Your Larry David-esque Moments of Awkwardness

[956 Worldwide 34715]

So I maybe shouldn’t tell this story, but here goes. I really carry a lot of tension in my quads and glutes, and I really need to be at my best in my profession. I have tried different tactics to manage it, but I find Swedish massage really helps. I’m pretty particular about who I go to and am always looking for the right therapist. You can search social media for the right person. 

Anyway, one time (maybe more, who is counting) I was getting my weekly massage and I couldn’t help myself, I got a little . . . excited by the procedure?  How to explain this, you’ve seen that scene in Forrest Gump when he goes back to Jenny’s dorm room? Kind of like that.

Anyway, so awkward! Larry David-esque. I’m sure this isn’t just me though, I like reading all your stories and seeing how this happens to everyone. 
 

 

Edited March 30, 2021 by 956 Worldwide

[baboso 6056]

You and Jerseyman are almost Eskimo brothers.

[Al_4_ISU 12464]

I was at a party in a neighboring town while home from college for a summer.  My brother, a buddy, and I are standing in the yard drinking beer and some guy comes up to us and starts asking us how old we are and where we're from.  We tell him what school we went to, and our general age range.

The guy then asks who the biggest slut around our age was.  This should have been the point where I exited the conversation, but I can be naïve and assume a question - almost any question - is well intentioned.

So we have an honest debate between the 3 of us and settle on HK.  He asks us why her.  I reply that she had a train run on her by some younger guys when she was a senior, would hook up with pretty much anyone, and most recently had just had a kid with some random guy from said neighboring town.

Dude asks who the guy was.  My response:  "I dunno.  Must have been a real piece of shit to knock her up and leave her with the kid".

The dude instantly snaps (he had a methy vibe to him anyhow) and whips out a little knife and starts waving it around yelling "THAT'S MY EX, THAT'S MY KID, AND I'M THAT PIECE OF SHIT!  GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CUT YOU".  We look at each other dumbfounded and sprint out of the yard.  One of our buddies was at the party inside the house and called almost instantly wondering what the hell we said because the guy was now in the house screaming about how anyone from our town had to get the fuck out lest he knife them.

This was on a Friday night, and I had conveniently forgotten that HK worked at the local gas station where I got coffee in the mornings on my way to work.  Monday morning rolls in, and I see her behind the counter.  Doing my best to avoid eye contact as I check out, she goes "so, I heard you met my ex this weekend".

Cue the music.

[PantsTent 2002]

One time I went to the movies with my wife's friend.  I was wearing these pants that would kind of bunch up about 5 inches when I set down looking like I had an erection.  Before the movie I got in an argument with this lady that turned out to be my best friend's new girlfriend.  When my wife's friend sat down next to me should put her hand on me to console me about this frustrating situation.  Then she looks down and sees my pants and thinks she somehow aroused me because of those damn pants!

[nnm 36441]

(also good for the “stupid stuff wives do” thread)

A couple of decades ago, Mrs. NNM (no pics) and I attended a college graduation. Mrs. NMM and her friend (also no pics) were paging through the program. When they came upon the Doctoral and Master’s theses titles, they made various observations about the arcane subjects. One in particular caught their eye—a fashion merchandising MA, with a thesis that was something like “The Shopping Patterns Of The American Male in the 20th Century Mall.”  
 

Mrs. NNM and her friend thought that was hilarious. They proceeded to make loud comments like “that’s ridiculous—what did she do, hang out in the mall for 2 years?!? Hahahaha.”  
 

The woman immediately in front of Mrs. NNM shifted uncomfortably in her seat a few times, then finally had enough, turned around, and scolded “I’ll have you know that this person is my daughter. And she worked VERY hard for that degree!”

I was sitting a few seats away, not right next to Mrs. NNM. Close enough to hear the scolding but far enough to not be immediately associated with the comment. It was a glorious moment of hilarity for me. Still is. 

[Jerry Callo 8704]

27 minutes ago, PantsTent said:

One time I went to the movies with my wife's friend.  I was wearing these pants that would kind of bunch up about 5 inches when I set down looking like I had an erection.  Before the movie I got in an argument with this lady that turned out to be my best friend's new girlfriend.  When my wife's friend sat down next to me should put her hand on me to console me about this frustrating situation.  Then she looks down and sees my pants and thinks she somehow aroused me because of those damn pants!

A story like that is suppose to start with "I never thought something like this would happen to me . . ."

username and avatar check out.

[General Specific 3262]

Some years ago, while my wife was pregnant with our third child. I was at Target to pick up a basketball goal for the other two kids (and myself).
While walking in the store, a more than healthy female assistant asked if I needed help finding anything. Sure I said, how about basketball goals, and off we go.
On the way there and making small talk she asked if I like basketball. I said it’s for me and the kids and to get out of moms hair. Long story short, I let out my wife is pregnant, and the usual how far along, boy or girl stuff.
I then turned to her and asked how far along she was.
Yup, you guessed it, she says oh, I’m not pregnant!!!!

[dcbc 14487]

7 hours ago, SquishMitten said:

Not that I’m aware of. Guess I am not your friend

Damn.  Cold as ice.

Edited March 31, 2021 by dcbc

[dcbc 14487]

3 hours ago, PantsTent said:

One time I went to the movies with my wife's friend.  I was wearing these pants that would kind of bunch up about 5 inches when I set down looking like I had an erection.  Before the movie I got in an argument with this lady that turned out to be my best friend's new girlfriend.  When my wife's friend sat down next to me should put her hand on me to console me about this frustrating situation.  Then she looks down and sees my pants and thinks she somehow aroused me because of those damn pants!

That's the most Larry David thing in this whole Larry David thread about things that would fictionally happen to Larry David.

[SurlyORama 164]

I was attending a football game several years ago at Michigan. Let's just say there was "extensive" tailgating beforehand, and I may have partaken.

At some point, after an exciting play where my team (not Michigan) scored to take the lead, everyone was high-fiving and yelling in my section, and a person I don't know in the row behind me talks excitedly to me for 20-30 seconds or so. I couldn't understand almost anything he was saying, but the gist was that he was excited and happy.

My good-natured comment to him: "Whoa, I guess you've had plenty to drink, huh?"

I turn around and sit down. Wife of my college roommate looks at me with utter horror on her face and says "turn around and look at the person behind you, but be discrete."

I do, and it's a teenaged boy with Down's syndrome. His mother was shooting me, shall we say, daggers from the eyeball area.

Felt about 2 inches tall.

[Clintonaldo 2574]

I was in an examination under oath one time and the question was how big is the ball on your truck for towing and the guy answers I have 2 inch balls. The court reporter looks up at me with a smirk and I just had put my head down like a child for a few seconds to keep it together. 

 

 

I played soccer in college for a Christian university and we were walking in a mall in some shit hole town after a game all decked out in our gear and I saw a girl with big tits. I meant to say look at dem tig ol bucking fitties but I said look at dem big ol fucking titties.  Coach was right behind me and just had a complete meltdown while everyone else laughed. 

[Al_4_ISU 12464]

Another good awkward moment, although it's not necessarily something that would happen to Larry.

It was the 2012 Riot Bowl (ISU/WVU) in Jack Trice, and I'm bombed on moonshine.

The backstory:  my wife was a sprinter at Northern Iowa in college and was in that kind of shape when we met.  Flash forward a few years of me being in law school, her working a stressful job with long hours, and lots of going out to eat and we've both put on 20-30 lbs.  She decides she wants to get back into shape and signs up for a local central Iowa gym program.  She completed the program earlier in the year and got good results.

Back to the moment:  It's between the 3rd and 4th quarter, and we've been sipping shine in the stadium all game.  I'm borderline Jim Lahey drunk, and an ad for the gym comes on the Jack Trice jumbotron.  They're showing before and after pictures, and my vision is so impaired that all I can tell is the woman on the screen has blonde hair, like my wife.  I start yelling at her "HEY HONEY, IS THAT YOU?".  She ignores so I keep asking.  My friends are all laughing their asses off.  My wife is getting visibly angrier before finally snapping "It's not me you drunk fucking idiot". 

Turns out the woman on the screen weighed at least 50 lbs more than my wife.  Everyone around us is observing this, and dying laughing about it.  My buddies and my wife still haven't let me live it down, nearly a decade later.  I concede I deserve it.  If there was some female dominated message board with a thread "Husbands and the Stupid Shit They Do", I would be on the list.

[ABSR 5315]

14 hours ago, SurlyORama said:

I was attending a football game several years ago at Michigan. Let's just say there was "extensive" tailgating beforehand, and I may have partaken.

At some point, after an exciting play where my team (not Michigan) scored to take the lead, everyone was high-fiving and yelling in my section, and a person I don't know in the row behind me talks excitedly to me for 20-30 seconds or so. I couldn't understand almost anything he was saying, but the gist was that he was excited and happy.

My good-natured comment to him: "Whoa, I guess you've had plenty to drink, huh?"

I turn around and sit down. Wife of my college roommate looks at me with utter horror on her face and says "turn around and look at the person behind you, but be discrete."

I do, and it's a teenaged boy with Down's syndrome. His mother was shooting me, shall we say, daggers from the eyeball area.

Felt about 2 inches tall.

You shouldn't have felt bad, it was the Mom who let her Down's syndrome son get drunk who should have felt bad. 

[HornPhD 1368]

On 3/30/2021 at 1:45 PM, PantsTent said:

One time I went to the movies with my wife's friend.  I was wearing these pants that would kind of bunch up about 5 inches when I set down looking like I had an erection.  Before the movie I got in an argument with this lady that turned out to be my best friend's new girlfriend.  When my wife's friend sat down next to me should put her hand on me to console me about this frustrating situation.  Then she looks down and sees my pants and thinks she somehow aroused me because of those damn pants!

 

On 3/30/2021 at 5:08 PM, dcbc said:

That's the most Larry David thing in this whole Larry David thread about things that would fictionally happen to Larry David.

That’s actually the premise of a Curb episode

Edited April 1, 2021 by HornPhD

[PantsTent 2002]

59 minutes ago, HornPhD said:

 

That’s actually the premise of a Curb episode

I'm pretty sure dcbc knew that. I was obviously going for a "username/avatar checks out" reaction.

[Lidig8r 1873]

12 hours ago, Al_4_ISU said:

Another good awkward moment, although it's not necessarily something that would happen to Larry.

It was the 2012 Riot Bowl (ISU/WVU) in Jack Trice, and I'm bombed on moonshine.

The backstory:  my wife was a sprinter at Northern Iowa in college and was in that kind of shape when we met.  Flash forward a few years of me being in law school, her working a stressful job with long hours, and lots of going out to eat and we've both put on 20-30 lbs.  She decides she wants to get back into shape and signs up for a local central Iowa gym program.  She completed the program earlier in the year and got good results.

Back to the moment:  It's between the 3rd and 4th quarter, and we've been sipping shine in the stadium all game.  I'm borderline Jim Lahey drunk, and an ad for the gym comes on the Jack Trice jumbotron.  They're showing before and after pictures, and my vision is so impaired that all I can tell is the woman on the screen has blonde hair, like my wife.  I start yelling at her "HEY HONEY, IS THAT YOU?".  She ignores so I keep asking.  My friends are all laughing their asses off.  My wife is getting visibly angrier before finally snapping "It's not me you drunk fucking idiot". 

Turns out the woman on the screen weighed at least 50 lbs more than my wife.  Everyone around us is observing this, and dying laughing about it.  My buddies and my wife still haven't let me live it down, nearly a decade later.  I concede I deserve it.  If there was some female dominated message board with a thread "Husbands and the Stupid Shit They Do", I would be on the list.

Aren't there rules on this website about pics, etc? Flippin' damned mouthpieces think they are above the rules!!!!!

[MaybeACoordinator 8349]

On 3/30/2021 at 3:30 PM, Al_4_ISU said:

 

This was on a Friday night, and I had conveniently forgotten that HK worked at the local gas station where I got coffee in the mornings on my way to work.  Monday morning rolls in, and I see her behind the counter.  Doing my best to avoid eye contact as I check out, she goes "so, I heard you met my ex this weekend".

Cue the music.

This kicker at the end really elevates it to where I could almost see this being a Curb script. Seems like he'd always find a way to wind up deeper in the shit even when you thought it could not be possible for things to get worse. 

[dcbc 14487]

1 hour ago, HornPhD said:

 

That’s actually the premise of a Curb episode

It's actually the first Curb episode after the 1999 CYE Special that kicked the whole thing off.

[Baboontyme 2814]

On 3/30/2021 at 8:14 PM, SurlyORama said:

I was attending a football game several years ago at Michigan. Let's just say there was "extensive" tailgating beforehand, and I may have partaken.

At some point, after an exciting play where my team (not Michigan) scored to take the lead, everyone was high-fiving and yelling in my section, and a person I don't know in the row behind me talks excitedly to me for 20-30 seconds or so. I couldn't understand almost anything he was saying, but the gist was that he was excited and happy.

My good-natured comment to him: "Whoa, I guess you've had plenty to drink, huh?"

I turn around and sit down. Wife of my college roommate looks at me with utter horror on her face and says "turn around and look at the person behind you, but be discrete."

I do, and it's a teenaged boy with Down's syndrome. His mother was shooting me, shall we say, daggers from the eyeball area.

Felt about 2 inches tall.

Pos rep for rooting against Michigan.

[Al_4_ISU 12464]

7 hours ago, Lidig8r said:

Aren't there rules on this website about pics, etc? Flippin' damned mouthpieces think they are above the rules!!!!!

There are rules.  I get it.

But how Larry David would it be if I posted pics of my wife to this hellhole and somehow she found out?

[Al_4_ISU 12464]

7 hours ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

This kicker at the end really elevates it to where I could almost see this being a Curb script. Seems like he'd always find a way to wind up deeper in the shit even when you thought it could not be possible for things to get worse. 

It's what took the incident from bizarre and a comical foot in mouth moment to truly uncomfortable.

[deadshank 24653]

On 3/30/2021 at 3:30 PM, Al_4_ISU said:

 

This was on a Friday night, and I had conveniently forgotten that HK worked at the local gas station where I got coffee in the mornings on my way to work.  

Girls working at gas stations are 99 times out of 100 smoking hot sexual dynamos.  
 

It’s a natural law.  
 

[Al_4_ISU 12464]

1 hour ago, deadshank said:

Girls working at gas stations are 99 times out of 100 smoking hot sexual dynamos.  
 

It’s a natural law.  
 

She wasn't bad looking, but I could never get past having rode the school bus with her and how she'd come on the bus as kids still wearing shit kickers with fresh hog shit still on them and smell all day.

I grew up on a hog farm too and had to do chores every morning, but I just made sure to get up early enough to get completely clean and change into non-shit covered clothing before getting on the bus.

[Lidig8r 1873]

5 hours ago, Al_4_ISU said:

There are rules.  I get it.

But how Larry David would it be if I posted pics of my wife to this hellhole and somehow she found out?

Then, your wife would go sleep with Ted Danson.

[Grade of D as in David 13253]

9 hours ago, Al_4_ISU said:

There are rules.  I get it.

But how Larry David would it be if I posted pics of my wife to this hellhole and somehow she found out?

[Al_4_ISU 12464]

4 hours ago, Lidig8r said:

Then, your wife would go sleep with Ted Danson.

I couldn't really hold that one against her.  I mean, come on, it's fucking Sam Malone.

[mininghorn88 2293]

6 hours ago, Al_4_ISU said:

I couldn't really hold that one against her.  I mean, come on, it's fucking Sam Malone.

He is also the same man that had an affair with Wh...Whoo...Whoopi...Whoopie Goldberg. Ugh, I struggled to get that out.

[FigurelliPwC 115]

More of a Seinfeld moment, but this happened last weekend.  At Academy - the registers are staggered from the front to back.  There were only 2 registers open, next to each other but the 2nd set of registers.  Their was 1 long line for both registers, so the line snaked past the front registers.  About a 10 minute painful wait, and right when I am next up I see a guy and his 2 kids come in from the side and go right up to the register at the split second it opens up.  I try politely telling him a couple of times that there is a line, but he ignores me and pulls his crap out of the basket.  Finally I am pissed he is ignoring me and raise my voice....his son turns to me and says “He’s deaf”...I respond “I don’t care, there is a line, you need to tell him.”  Son tells the dad, he kinda glances my way but does t make eye contact, and continues unloading his basket.  At this point the other register opens up, but I was still pissed...

[Wade 464]

Landed a new job at a Fortune 200 company, probably easiest interview process ever had: an outreach by a recruiter, a ten minute call with the hiring manager, a two-hour total interview with the hiring manager, two would-be colleagues and the CFO, respectively.  In the interviews with the other three I picked up that this role was dreamed up by the hiring manager, faced skepticism within the exec ranks, and he had to use a lot of political capital to get it approved.

Anyway, get hired and am excited but feeling the pressure.  First day on the job I learn the company's annual all-day meeting with vendor partners will be held in two days at a hotel in San Diego.  As I will need to work with these folks I pushed my new boss to let me attend.  He was dubious, given I had just started but agreed.

Go to the event, top notch event all around, 300 or so reps of vendors in attendance, introduced myself to a lot of folks.  Late in the day, my new boss comes over and says, "Bob, I'd like to introduce you to ** ******" (with no augmenting info of who he was).  I smile, shake his hand and ask what his role is with the company.  "Uh, I'm the President", he said with notable annoyance.  Out of the corner of my eye I see my boss's face drop.  This was his direct boss.  I don't recall how I responded, but the conversation ended quickly after that.  Fortunately, the guy (who I later came to know had a healthy ego) never held it against me.

[956 Worldwide 34715]

When my oldest kid was about 4, we were at a local fair type event and watching her bounce around in one of those inflatable bouncy things.  
 

Out of the corner of my eye, I see a blur moving towards the entrance and I see what looks like an almost grown man do a flip through the entrance, extend, and nail Little Worldwide with his foot.

Mom springs into action and swoops her up.  I grab the dude by the collar, hoist him to his feet and spin him around...yelling “what in the hell is the matter with you kid, how old are you.”

And find myself staring into the face of a terrified teenager with Downs Syndrome. 

We just walked on out of there. 

[MissingInAction 25106]

Checking out at an open HEB and the sacker puts my beer in another customers cart. So I say hey thats my beer, and he ignores me. I say it twice more rising in volume. Finally I yelled are you deaf dude?! Thats my damn beer I just bought!

He turns around  and now I can see the hearing aids in both ears.

 

Edited April 4, 2021 by MissingInAction

[Fudge Nuggets 19206]

What I’m getting from this thread is deaf and Downs people are really fucking things up for a lot of us.

[Poolflood 845]

43 minutes ago, Fudge Nuggets said:

What I’m getting from this thread is deaf and Downs people are really fucking things up for a lot of us.

It took this thread to figure that out?  I kid.. I kid 

[blacklab 11941]

Right before a December board meeting my coworker Ross and I are discussing plans and as I hadn't taken any time off that year I let him know after this meeting I'm taking off the rest of the year. Our CEO comes in and joins the conversation and tells me I've taken too much time already and need to work. He had taken about two months off that year, and my fellow C level who I was talking to had taken 6 weeks off.

Ross gets on his phone and types for a bit. CEO's phone goes off, he looks at it, looks up at us, turns to Ross and says, "I think you meant to send this text to Bob"

Ross wrote a text saying what a hypocritical asshole he was for denying my vacation when he had taken off so much that year but accidently sent it to him instead of me. Board meeting was on December 19th, and we were closed the week between Christmas and new years so I was really only getting a couple of days off, but somehow it was now really important I came in to the office and the company would suffer if I took time off. 

[Bullneck 19168]

On 3/27/2021 at 3:50 PM, bschoolprof said:

I have another one, not involving me, but very curbish.

Prof friend at another college moves into a new neighborhood.  Apparently, the developer or neighborhood group put up these yellow bows on every tree, some sort of neighborhood pride thing.  Friend tolerates it it for a week, but thinks it looks very schmaltzy so he tells the wife he's going to take it down.  Wife tells him they are just proud of their neighborhood and it's quaint. One day, she's doing so yard work, and he's had enough, so he heads out with some scissors.  

Wife is talking to a guy walking his new puppy.  As my friend is cutting down the bow, he overhears the guy talking about his son, Parker, with cerebral palsy.  The guy asks if they have heard about the neighborhood fun run to raise money for Parker/cerebral palsy.  In fact, that's what all these bows are for - he and his wife put them up.  

He hears this last part just after he cut the bow down, scissors in one hand, bow in the other.  He makes awkward eye contact with the guy with just sort of a goofy bewildered expression on his face. My friend said at that moment he could hear the curb theme music cue up.  

 

 

[dcbc 14487]

Spotting a trend here.  I'm at a friend's wedding reception.  At some point, I'm standing in a small group of people and I'm introduced to the bride's mother.  I extend my hand for a hand shake and she just looks at me coldly.  I lower my hand and decide that she's a rude snob.  I see one of my buddies later who also is good friends with the groom and tell him the story, complete with my "what a bitch" ending.  He looks at me and says, "Dude, she's blind."

[Beau Vine 54254]

On 4/4/2021 at 2:46 PM, Fudge Nuggets said:

What I’m getting from this thread is deaf and Downs people are really fucking things up for a lot of us.

And we haven't even gotten the story about the guy who threw a beer at a deaf guy and hit him in the nuts.

Who was that?

[Armybrat 40851]

This just happened last night (I posted it elsewhere):

 Waking up around 12:30am after rolling over, I heard a very noisy “BANG” from somewhere in the house. That elicited a loud expletive from me as I got out of bed to investigate, waking my wife up in the process.

Anyway, I slipped into my house shoes, grabbed the nightstand 9mm and proceeded to clear the house & garage room by room with all lights on. Didn’t find any burglars and nothing was out of place, which was very perplexing as the noise had obviously originated inside the house. So I went back to bed, trying to think of what could have caused it.... did a spent bullet or meteorite hit the roof? Did a floor tile under stress crack all of a sudden? Quite mystifying to say the least, but it took us a long while to get back to sleep.
Luckily I didn’t encounter a burglar during the house search, as he would have died laughing at the sight of a very portly old man in his house slippers (and nothing else) creeping around with gun in hand. At least I would not have had to shoot him.

Got up late at 7am and did another search throughout the house and found nothing out of place  until opening the fridge door to get a drink of water. That’s when I saw blobs of white dough scattered around inside the fridge. A tube of biscuit dough in a door shelf had popped open all on its own during the night with enough explosive violence to blow the metal cap off, making the loud bang when it hit the plastic shelf above it.

So... we are having biscuits for breakfast if they can actually bake, as some were pretty dried out.

 

 

 

Edited April 8, 2021 by Armybrat

[Beau Vine 54254]

 

Have you ever seen Curb Your Enthusiasm?

[Armybrat 40851]

No. Haven’t watched any network sitcoms since the 1980s, and very few back then.

[Al_4_ISU 12464]

Yeah, your story (while funny) isn't really in the theme of the thread.  Larry David has a knack for epic Foot-In-Mouth situations or being portrayed as the asshole in innocent misunderstandings, or just being incorrigible over minutiae.

[closetohumping 17449]

Oh God

[Chewbacca 7780]

On 4/4/2021 at 4:40 PM, blacklab said:

Right before a December board meeting my coworker Ross and I are discussing plans and as I hadn't taken any time off that year I let him know after this meeting I'm taking off the rest of the year. Our CEO comes in and joins the conversation and tells me I've taken too much time already and need to work. He had taken about two months off that year, and my fellow C level who I was talking to had taken 6 weeks off.

Ross gets on his phone and types for a bit. CEO's phone goes off, he looks at it, looks up at us, turns to Ross and says, "I think you meant to send this text to Bob"

Ross wrote a text saying what a hypocritical asshole he was for denying my vacation when he had taken off so much that year but accidently sent it to him instead of me. Board meeting was on December 19th, and we were closed the week between Christmas and new years so I was really only getting a couple of days off, but somehow it was now really important I came in to the office and the company would suffer if I took time off. 

Yeah, I had a CEO I worked for years ago lay into me for taking a week's vacation to go camping with my family.  Saying this was a really important time for the company, how I should know better because I am the CFO, etc.  She had literally just gotten back from a 3 week safari in Africa the week before I left.  I did not stay there long.

[Native Horn 3504]

Several years ago, I noticed a female co-worker (good friend of mine) “sneaking out” early from the office. My office overlooked the parking lot, saw her get in her car and leave. So I text her to give her grief. “Looks like somebody is leaving early AGAIN!”  
 

Her text back to me several hours later: “Uh, yeah, I was having a miscarriage asswipe.”  
 

Oops. She still brings that up every now and then. 

[strangulation! 1716]

there's the winner. holy shit

[Jameslaw121 4448]

My now wife before meeting any of my family, but it was getting pretty serious. One of my cousins died and @Knoxtnhorn was coming to Dallas from Tenn for it. My girlfriend wanted to go to show support and stuff. I thought it was a weird time to meet my family, but whatever. So we get there kinda late through no fault of our own, so Knox was going to meet us outside to show us where to go without interrupting

GF: "God. Who owns that bright yellow pick up?? Is someone wanting to try out for Baywatch or something???"

Knox ; "Uhh...yeah... that's mine - So you must be Jamelaw's girlfriend Huh???"

Then during the funeral, since we were late, we were at the back and we're not right next to each other. Her phone starts going off. She freezes and doesn't know what to do. So this lady turns around and says "Maybe put it on silent?"

Few minutes later, my GF text me and says "That lady keeps turning around and looking at me"

Me "Yeah... That's my mom...."

[Paper_jam 831]

I'm not sure if this fits as a Larry David thing, but I recall a generally embarrassing event from my youth. When I was a freshman, I was living on the 19th floor of Dobie. One morning my roommate had gone to class or something so I had the room to myself. It's a quiet morning, no one's around, I have a ragged copy of Hustler that someone left in the laundry room.  I figured I would take advantage of this privacy and release some pent-up sexual energy. So I go to work, feeling pretty secure in my privacy. After I'd been at it a little while, I hear a soft thump or squeak from the window (19th floor). Window washer, busted.

(Actually, he gave no discernible sign that he saw me, and Dobie's windows are tinted, so maybe I got away with it. Still, I was startled and embarrassed.)

 

[Ten Bears 2481]

On 3/31/2021 at 8:24 AM, Al_4_ISU said:

Another good awkward moment, although it's not necessarily something that would happen to Larry.

It was the 2012 Riot Bowl (ISU/WVU) in Jack Trice, and I'm bombed on moonshine.

The backstory:  my wife was a sprinter at Northern Iowa in college and was in that kind of shape when we met.  Flash forward a few years of me being in law school, her working a stressful job with long hours, and lots of going out to eat and we've both put on 20-30 lbs.  She decides she wants to get back into shape and signs up for a local central Iowa gym program.  She completed the program earlier in the year and got good results.

Back to the moment:  It's between the 3rd and 4th quarter, and we've been sipping shine in the stadium all game.  I'm borderline Jim Lahey drunk, and an ad for the gym comes on the Jack Trice jumbotron.  They're showing before and after pictures, and my vision is so impaired that all I can tell is the woman on the screen has blonde hair, like my wife.  I start yelling at her "HEY HONEY, IS THAT YOU?".  She ignores so I keep asking.  My friends are all laughing their asses off.  My wife is getting visibly angrier before finally snapping "It's not me you drunk fucking idiot". 

Turns out the woman on the screen weighed at least 50 lbs more than my wife.  Everyone around us is observing this, and dying laughing about it.  My buddies and my wife still haven't let me live it down, nearly a decade later.  I concede I deserve it.  If there was some female dominated message board with a thread "Husbands and the Stupid Shit They Do", I would be on the list.

You went to law school to become a farmer?

[Knoxtnhorn 6055]

Good one from my wife.  First, you have to understand she's the sweetest, most softly spoken person I know.

A few years ago, I had a soccer game.  I'm habitually early to everything.  She's habitually late.  One thing that usually gets her going on time is when she has to get me somewhere on time.  I can be quite a little bitch in traffic.

So anyway, we're sharing a car for a couple of weeks.  And, of course, we're running late for my game.  She can tell I'm about to lose it.  Suddenly, an old pulls in front on the one-lane road we're on and is driving 20 mph under the speed limit.  My wife snaps.  Starts honking, flashing lights, cussing, etc... Again, this is FAR from normal for her personality.

This goes on for about 5 miles.  It ended when the car finally turned left ... into a funeral home parking lot.  I'll never forget the look on my wife's face.  I still give her hell.

[Al_4_ISU 12464]

31 minutes ago, Ten Bears said:

You went to law school to become a farmer?

More like in spite of being a farmer.

At the scale we operate and amount of land transactions and leases that fly around our operation, I actually use it quite a bit.  I grew up farming and always got stuck doing the shittiest jobs (often literally) and loathed having to work constantly while my friends in school rode bikes around town and played video games all day.  I fell in love with farming while coming home from ISU and working in the summer, but also wanted to get my JD.  Halfway through law school, my uncle retired and I pitched the idea of joining the farm full time to me dad.  He said if I was serious about it, I should move home and practice law for awhile.

I practiced law for 2.5 years and was in the process of switching from being a county prosecutor (which I fucking hated) into joining a general practice firm when my old man came around to the idea of me farming.  I've farmed full time since 2015 but keep my law license up as a fall back, and because it really does come in handy in our operation.