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22% of men (incl. Kevin) don't realize that a chimp would fucking wreck them

Prepuce of Doom

By Prepuce of Doom
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Goredho
Goredho

A follow up to the above.  Tl;dr: the Emus are no more, man rules emus, and pussy rules man. My wife finally decided that we are not emu farmers.  Thank God.  She contacted the previous owners, a

Jameslaw121
Jameslaw121

An elephant that doesn't tell the truth  

Goredho
Goredho

We own 4 emus and I wouldn’t fight them either.  A typical feeding goes something like this: 1.  Note emus are across the pen, 100 yards away and looking in the opposite direction.  Safe enough.

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Goredho

Goredho 17394

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Exactly.  They are the most disconcerting animal I’ve ever been around, and that includes brown bear in Alaska, lions in Africa, moose here in Colorado.  There is never a moment when I’m around these four fucking emu that I don’t have the strong sense that A) they are scheming about how to take my ass out and B) absolutely could if they ever really wanted to.

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Goredho

Goredho 17394

Posted
Posted
9 minutes ago, HenryJames said:

Why?

We run in livestock circles and had an acquaintance who was selling their farm nearby.  They had 4 emus that they couldn’t take with them to their new farm in Tennessee.  Free to good home!  We will deliver, even pay a couple months of their feed expenses!  We just want them to have a good home!  We’ll miss you, emus!

Im 99% sure they fled the state after the remains of a dozen humans were found on their property all having died from strange, beak-shaped puncture wounds.

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Underdog

Underdog 28544

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Posted
19 hours ago, Longhorn94 said:

i dont know... i just read that chimps on average are about 1.5x as strong as an average man. im feeling like im a little stronger than average plus with my wits, fighting style, and all around good hygiene, i might stand a chance!

"It's that extra muscle they possess." 

/

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Enchubben

Enchubben 5510

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1 hour ago, Goredho said:

We own 4 emus and I wouldn’t fight them either.  A typical feeding goes something like this:

1.  Note emus are across the pen, 100 yards away and looking in the opposite direction.  Safe enough.

2.  Quickly dart into pen and set down food dish so you can get out before they notice.

4. Raise up to realize you are surrounded by 4 emus less than a foot away from you in each direction.  How did they get there?

5.  Ouch!  That fucker pecked the back of my ear!

6.  Spin around and slap emu across the beak

7. Feel another peck from behind on your neck from another emu

8.  Simultaneously get kicked in the balls by the first emu

9.  Give up and lunge away from their food and out of the pen while they hiss at you

10. Give laughing wife an angry glare

 

Username checks out 

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Scooter Monzingo

Scooter Monzingo 820

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, Goredho said:

We own 4 emus and I wouldn’t fight them either.  A typical feeding goes something like this:

1.  Note emus are across the pen, 100 yards away and looking in the opposite direction.  Safe enough.

2.  Quickly dart into pen and set down food dish so you can get out before they notice.

4. Raise up to realize you are surrounded by 4 emus less than a foot away from you in each direction.  How did they get there?

5.  Ouch!  That fucker pecked the back of my ear!

6.  Spin around and slap emu across the beak

7. Feel another peck from behind on your neck from another emu

8.  Simultaneously get kicked in the balls by the first emu

9.  Give up and lunge away from their food and out of the pen while they hiss at you

10. Give laughing wife an angry glare

So you’re telling us raising Emus is a bad idea?

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Helobious

Helobious 9459

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I actually had to fight off a pitbull a couple years ago. A little girl was walking it (she couldn’t have been older than 10, dog was almost 2/3 her size probably) it went after me and she immediately lost the grip on the leash of course. Bit the fuck out of my leg, I kicked it off, tried to bite me again but it was more of a scratch with teeth since I moved my leg out of the way, kicked it again in the neck. The little girl that was walking it finally got control of the leash again and ran off with it. I chose to hobble back to my apartment and tend my wounds instead of pursuing. 
 

tl/dr; I kind of held my own against a large dog in a fight.

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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9374

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10 minutes ago, Helobious said:

I actually had to fight off a pitbull a couple years ago. A little girl was walking it (she couldn’t have been older than 10, dog was almost 2/3 her size probably) it went after me and she immediately lost the grip on the leash of course. Bit the fuck out of my leg, I kicked it off, tried to bite me again but it was more of a scratch with teeth since I moved my leg out of the way, kicked it again in the neck. The little girl that was walking it finally got control of the leash again and ran off with it. I chose to hobble back to my apartment and tend my wounds instead of pursuing. 
 

tl/dr; I kind of held my own against a large dog in a fight.

Well, not so large that a little girl couldn’t regain control of it and make it run away. 

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Dennis Taylor

Dennis Taylor 18807

Posted
Posted
23 hours ago, Okie State said:
On 5/14/2021 at 2:12 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:
"Eagle" is frustratingly overbroad, but a harpy eagle could fly off with your head if it wanted to.
 
d9c456fe3856a09304a407681613851e.jpg.7f3b524e893e601acd68c3aa4a7c02b4.jpg
Harpy1.jpg.f6b17f8b0e55b9ca2395de63c0c86867.jpg

Some dumbfuck on Nextdoor swore one of these was in our neighborhood recently.

Do you live in the blue area?

 

1280px-Harpy_Eagle_Range.svg.png

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nnm

nnm 36327

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 5/14/2021 at 12:59 PM, Parliament said:

39% are afraid to fight a goose.  If it were legal, I'd hunt them bare handed.  Geese are vermin.

I freaking HATE geese. They are complete menaces. I don’t f with geese. 

Edited by nnm
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956 Worldwide

956 Worldwide 34692

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A lot more animals than you imagine are going to mess up your shit if it becomes a “you or me” battle with no exit for them available.  Animals have no brakes, every single ounce of energy is going to go into turning you into quivering hamburger meat. The dog is a good example, you might come away if the goal is to get you away from its territory and you have an exit.  If it’s a cage match and only one of you is coming out—- you might win but you aren’t gonna feel like you won.

And an adult male chimp is going to end your world, if you live it’s gonna be without balls, a face, eyes, and several digits. 

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956 Worldwide

956 Worldwide 34692

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 5/14/2021 at 8:59 PM, gsoda3 said:

people wrestle alligators so that's not as unbelievable.  an elephant though??

https://www.theonion.com/looking-back-on-my-life-i-guess-my-biggest-regret-is-t-1819584954

 

Quote

As I reach the end of my life, it’s hard for me not to look back on all the years that have passed and think of what might have been. Frankly, there are a lot of things I wish I had done differently. But when I consider all the paths my life has taken and those that it hasn’t, I would have to say that my greatest regret is probably trying to fight that alligator five minutes ago.

 

Edited by 956 Worldwide
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nnm

nnm 36327

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Posted
11 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Was just tempted to tempt fate for our collective amusement... 

20210515_154934.jpg

Yeah. I wouldn’t go within 100 yards of a mama goose with her goslings. I don’t get anywhere near a non-maternal goose if I can help it. They will f you up. Instant vasectomy. 

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WhatTheBuck

WhatTheBuck 28771

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10 hours ago, Scooter Monzingo said:

In my early years I worked in an environment that had more than its share of so called tough guys. The standing bet was grab a squirrel off the ground and hold it for 10 seconds. You do that, and I’ll remember your fucking name.

no one ever collected that money.

 

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Horn_Spanker

Horn_Spanker 524

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Sometime in the early 70's, the family was camping at Ft. Parker.  For some reason, they let me hang out on the fishing dock all night, but at some point I found it more interesting to throw bait at the geese.  I started throwing closer and closer until I could grab it around the neck.  Holy shit that thing started honking and the tighter I squeezed, the louder it got.  Next morning, everyone in the camp knew who we were.

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Fudge Nuggets

Fudge Nuggets 19184

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6 minutes ago, Horn_Spanker said:

Sometime in the early 70's, the family was camping at Ft. Parker.  For some reason, they let me hang out on the fishing dock all night, but at some point I found it more interesting to throw bait at the geese.  I started throwing closer and closer until I could grab it around the neck.  Holy shit that thing started honking and the tighter I squeezed, the louder it got.  Next morning, everyone in the camp knew who we were.

You tortured animals as a kid?  Did you also like playing with matches, any unsolved murders in your area?

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Underdog

Underdog 28544

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4 hours ago, Helobious said:

I actually had to fight off a pitbull a couple years ago. A little girl was walking it (she couldn’t have been older than 10, dog was almost 2/3 her size probably) it went after me and she immediately lost the grip on the leash of course. Bit the fuck out of my leg, I kicked it off, tried to bite me again but it was more of a scratch with teeth since I moved my leg out of the way, kicked it again in the neck. The little girl that was walking it finally got control of the leash again and ran off with it. I chose to hobble back to my apartment and tend my wounds instead of pursuing. 
 

tl/dr; I kind of held my own against a large dog in a fight.

hamm.gif.581bf28692425f4fc0b54d5ead779528.gif

 

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Judge Roybeanbag

Judge Roybeanbag 11819

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14 minutes ago, Doc Reeves said:


Had a middle school gym teacher with one eye because he tried to get a momma raccoon out from under his deck with a brook.

When I was a kid a farmer somehow managed to get a raccoon trapped in the camper on his pickup.  It was hiding behind the spare tire and wouldn’t come out.  His son decided he’d crawl in there and pour a water cooler full of ice water on it to get it to come out.  After a lot of screeching and thumping around, it came out.  The kid had bloody arms, scratches on his face and probably had to get rabies shots.  

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Nivek

Nivek 16916

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Posted

Gorilla, Elephant, Zero chance.
Lion and Grizzly you have a punchers chance with a Bowie knife (read
Rest of the list is doable. Gator in water is 0 chance. On land it could be done but more likely not.

Chimps are stupid. Dogs are dumb.

This also depends on age. Do I get to fight a mid 40 yr old critter? Then my chances go up, really good considering most of them would be dead.

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Onboard 2.0

Onboard 2.0 9083

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48 minutes ago, Doc Reeves said:


Had a middle school gym teacher with one eye because he tried to get a momma raccoon out from under his deck with a brook.

See.... rookie move.

You need a muskie when you go after coon.., Brookies are too small and don't have that much fight.

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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9374

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1 hour ago, Nivek said:

Gorilla, Elephant, Zero chance.
Lion and Grizzly you have a punchers chance with a Bowie knife (read
Rest of the list is doable. Gator in water is 0 chance. On land it could be done but more likely not.

Chimps are stupid. Dogs are dumb.

This also depends on age. Do I get to fight a mid 40 yr old critter? Then my chances go up, really good considering most of them would be dead.

I would think that a lion would be so quick that a Bowie knife would still give you a 0% chance. 

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High Plains Drifter

High Plains Drifter 11024

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15 hours ago, Scooter Monzingo said:

In my early years I worked in an environment that had more than its share of so called tough guys. The standing bet was grab a squirrel off the ground and hold it for 10 seconds. You do that, and I’ll remember your fucking name.
 

 

no one ever collected that money.


 

 

I was a life guard at Barton Springs in school, which was crawling with "tame" squirrels that people would feed. Some dipshit lured a squirrel into his lap with a piece of bread then on a dare grabbed the squirrel.

Squirrel bit completely through the webbing between his thumb and 1st finger. He came up to the guard house covered in his own blood. I wrapped his hand up, trying not to laugh at the dumbass, and told him to find someone to drive him to the emergency room to get stitches, and (just to fuck with him), rabies shots.

 

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Macanudo

Macanudo 12974

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5 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

A lot more animals than you imagine are going to mess up your shit if it becomes a “you or me” battle with no exit for them available.  Animals have no brakes, every single ounce of energy is going to go into turning you into quivering hamburger meat. The dog is a good example, you might come away if the goal is to get you away from its territory and you have an exit.  If it’s a cage match and only one of you is coming out—- you might win but you aren’t gonna feel like you won.

And an adult male chimp is going to end your world, if you live it’s gonna be without balls, a face, eyes, and several digits. 

So, like a night after being with South Austin's Mom because of the herpes and syphilis?

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Nivek

Nivek 16916

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I would think that a lion would be so quick that a Bowie knife would still give you a 0% chance. 

I was thinking one would take the charge and if you could get the knife free, plunge it into its neck or act like Atreyu.

I think a deer is missing from that list. Full sized buck would be difficult to beat. Less lethal but trying to fight one would be rough.
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