Jump to content

22% of men (incl. Kevin) don't realize that a chimp would fucking wreck them

Prepuce of Doom

By Prepuce of Doom
in Lulz

 Share

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 1.1k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Popular Posts

Goredho
Goredho

A follow up to the above.  Tl;dr: the Emus are no more, man rules emus, and pussy rules man. My wife finally decided that we are not emu farmers.  Thank God.  She contacted the previous owners, a

Jameslaw121
Jameslaw121

An elephant that doesn't tell the truth  

Goredho
Goredho

We own 4 emus and I wouldn’t fight them either.  A typical feeding goes something like this: 1.  Note emus are across the pen, 100 yards away and looking in the opposite direction.  Safe enough.

Posted Images

MaybeACoordinator

MaybeACoordinator 8350

Posted
Posted

 

10 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:

 

I was a life guard at Barton Springs in school, which was crawling with "tame" squirrels that people would feed. Some dipshit lured a squirrel into his lap with a piece of bread then on a dare grabbed the squirrel.

Squirrel bit completely through the webbing between his thumb and 1st finger. He came up to the guard house covered in his own blood. I wrapped his hand up, trying not to laugh at the dumbass, and told him to find someone to drive him to the emergency room to get stitches, and (just to fuck with him), rabies shots.

 

I've been bit, scratched, stung, pissed on, and otherwise attacked by dozens of animals and insects over the years, and bar none the most painful assault of them all was a tiny dying field mouse I tried to save from my neighbor's dog. That little fucker sunk a tiny fang straight into the ball of my thumb right down to the bone....Fuck a field mouse forever.

  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Scooter Monzingo

Scooter Monzingo 821

Posted
Posted
11 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:

 

I was a life guard at Barton Springs in school, which was crawling with "tame" squirrels that people would feed. Some dipshit lured a squirrel into his lap with a piece of bread then on a dare grabbed the squirrel.

Squirrel bit completely through the webbing between his thumb and 1st finger. He came up to the guard house covered in his own blood. I wrapped his hand up, trying not to laugh at the dumbass, and told him to find someone to drive him to the emergency room to get stitches, and (just to fuck with him), rabies shots.

 

Man didn’t get to the top of the food chain because he was physically superior. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Biff Tannen

Biff Tannen 46148

Posted
Posted
On 5/14/2021 at 2:12 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

"Eagle" is frustratingly overbroad, but a harpy eagle could fly off with your head if it wanted to.

 

d9c456fe3856a09304a407681613851e.jpg

Harpy1.jpg

Dallas zookeeper told me these are the meanest animals they have. Multiple injuries to zoo workers that feed them. 

  • Fuck Around and Find Out 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Deej

Deej 77783

Posted
Posted
On 5/14/2021 at 4:19 PM, 52-80 said:

the swans at the local beach always gives my puppy the hiss and the evil eyes.  if those motherfuckers want to get rowdy i wouldnt hesitate to stomp their ass to the ground

 

SpryScentedEmu-max-1mb.gif

  • Hook 'Em 1
  • Like 1
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Underdog

Underdog 29159

Posted
Posted
19 hours ago, Nivek said:

Gorilla, Elephant, Zero chance.
Lion and Grizzly you have a punchers chance with a Bowie knife (read
Rest of the list is doable. Gator in water is 0 chance. On land it could be done but more likely not.

Chimps are stupid. Dogs are dumb.

This also depends on age. Do I get to fight a mid 40 yr old critter? Then my chances go up, really good considering most of them would be dead.

spacer.png

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Gil Bang

Gil Bang 26229

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 5/14/2021 at 5:54 PM, Baboontyme said:

Where are coyotes on this list? Someone put a poll up on Next Door. 

That hits close to home.  Half the shit on our local nextdoor is coyote talk.

On 5/15/2021 at 5:16 AM, Enchubben said:

I do t know about any of these, but at the drive though animal zoos, Emu’s and Ostriches scared the fuck out of me. Would.Not.Fight

So, about 15 years ago, we had bad fires in San Diego.   At the time, the (now ex) wife was into horses, and we had a horse trailer.   There are lots of horses in San Diego, and most people don't have trailers, so, for several days, I took time off of work, and evacuated horses from the various fires.  One of the big, well-known tack and feed joints in Del Mar (Mary's) brought in a bunch of people, and acted as "dispatch" of sorts.  A group of us would go to some stables in the path of the fire, load up horses, and take them to the evacuation center, Del Mar racetrack being the main one.  After we made the drop, we'd call Mary's, and they would tell us where to go next.


Anyway, often you didn't know shit about the horse that you picked up...name, owner, anything at all.  The volunteers at Del Mar would take whatever info you had, stick the horse in a stall, and write the info on tape on the stall door.  

So, we made a drop at Del Mar, and the firefighters were gaining control, so there was no need for any further immediate evacuations.  So, of course, we all cracked a cold one after what had been a pretty stressful several days. 

Anyway, I'm walking around the stalls at Del Mar drinking a beer, and checking out the horses.  As I mentioned, the names (if known) were written on the stall doors on duct tape.  So, I'm walking along with the wife, and she's feeding each horse a carrot.   We're observing the names as we walk along.  "Hey 'Blaze', how ya doin' boy, have a carrot".   "Hey Smokey".  "Hey Socks", and so on.  Of course, the horses hear the next door neighbor crunching on a carrot, and they want one too, so their heads are all out of the stalls.   Then we walk a stall with no horse head sticking out of it.  Name on the door says "Emu".  Hmm.  That's a funny name for a horse, I think to myself as I stick my head in the stall, looking for a horse, and barely pull back in time to save the eye that was about to be pecked the fuck out. 

Fuck emus.  Deal me the fuck out of anything to do with those assholes. 

Edited by Gil Bang
  • Hook 'Em 2
  • Haha 5
  • Fuck Around and Find Out 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Nivek

Nivek 17404

Posted
Posted
Everything except the elephant could theoretically be killed with your bare hands.  I don’t think you could kill an elephant without a weapon.

I mean short of causing an avalanche/rock slide I am not sure how one can bare handed fight and kill a gorilla or bear. Or does using my bare hands to purchase a flamethrower count?
  • Like 1
  • Fuck Around and Find Out 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
conVINCEd

conVINCEd 21477

Posted
Posted
Just now, Nivek said:


I mean short of causing an avalanche/rock slide I am not sure how one can bare handed fight and kill a gorilla or bear. Or does using my bare hands to purchase a flamethrower count?

Theoretically, you could choke them out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9617

Posted
Posted
30 minutes ago, Nivek said:


I mean short of causing an avalanche/rock slide I am not sure how one can bare handed fight and kill a gorilla or bear. Or does using my bare hands to purchase a flamethrower count?

Sleeper hold, motherfucker.  For the gorilla.  Not sure about the bear.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites
52-80

52-80 19377

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Nivek said:


I mean short of causing an avalanche/rock slide I am not sure how one can bare handed fight and kill a gorilla or bear. Or does using my bare hands to purchase a flamethrower count?

harness your Chi and unleash it all on its pressure points

Link to comment
Share on other sites
conVINCEd

conVINCEd 21477

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Gil Bang said:

That hits close to home.  Half the shit on our local nextdoor is coyote talk.

So, about 15 years ago, we had bad fires in San Diego.   At the time, the (now ex) wife was into horses, and we had a horse trailer.   There are lots of horses in San Diego, and most people don't have trailers, so, for several days, I took time off of work, and evacuated horses from the various fires.  One of the big, well-known tack and feed joints in Del Mar (Mary's) brought in a bunch of people, and acted as "dispatch" of sorts.  A group of us would go to some stables in the path of the fire, load up horses, and take them to the evacuation center, Del Mar racetrack being the main one.  After we made the drop, we'd call Mary's, and they would tell us where to go next.


Anyway, often you didn't know shit about the horse that you picked up...name, owner, anything at all.  The volunteers at Del Mar would take whatever info you had, stick the horse in a stall, and write the info on tape on the stall door.  

So, we made a drop at Del Mar, and the firefighters were gaining control, so there was no need for any further immediate evacuations.  So, of course, we all cracked a cold one after what had been a pretty stressful several days. 

Anyway, I'm walking around the stalls at Del Mar drinking a beer, and checking out the horses.  As I mentioned, the names (if known) were written on the stall doors on duct tape.  So, I'm walking along with the wife, and she's feeding each horse a carrot.   We're observing the names as we walk along.  "Hey 'Blaze', how ya doin' boy, have a carrot".   "Hey Smokey".  "Hey Socks", and so on.  Of course, the horses hear the next door neighbor crunching on a carrot, and they want one too, so their heads are all out of the stalls.   Then we walk a stall with no horse head sticking out of it.  Name on the door says "Emu".  Hmm.  That's a funny name for a horse, I think to myself as I stick my head in the stall, looking for a horse, and barely pull back in time to save the eye that was about to be pecked the fuck out. 

Fuck emus.  Deal me the fuck out of anything to do with those assholes. 

Just think of the poor mother fucker that had to load the emu in the trailer.

  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
HenryJames

HenryJames 67311

Posted
Posted
11 minutes ago, closetohumping said:

If I can run from him, his weak cardio May tire him out leaving me The ability to come on for the kill

Not knowing anything about you other than you post on Surly, I’m guessing the gorilla has better cardio than you.

  • Hook 'Em 1
  • Like 2
  • Haha 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest Lobo

Guest Lobo

Posted
Posted

Isn't that supposed to be the underrated skill of what helped get us to the top of the food chain?  Our mid-range running?  We're not the fastest and we can't last the longest, but almost nothing else can run 8mph for an hour like we can.  As such, we wore a lot of animals out that were trying to kill us.  That part was a nice-to-have, but the weapons-making ability probably helped out a fuckton.  

I still come back to the eagle. Average American male outweighs it 10:1 but I think it's deceptively deadly only because the pair of 4-prong talons and the high-pressure beak mauling ability.  I was thinking about it on a drive out to the hill country yesterday...if you somehow subdue its talons...you got nothing to keep it from pecking your face into pastrami.  I guess roll over on top of it and pin down its talons with your knees and hope it doesn't rip through your tendons while using your hands to snap its neck.  I guess you gotta pin it down, take your slashes and deep cuts, while you eventually can stand on it and kick it to death?  You'll win but I think you'll come out so much more fucked up than most of those animals that polled further up the list.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Gil Bang

Gil Bang 26229

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, HenryJames said:

Not knowing anything about you other than you post on Surly, I’m guessing the gorilla has better cardio than you.

 

10 minutes ago, closetohumping said:

I'm in really great shape, let's just leave it at that.

Yeah, you rarely see a fat, out-of-shape guy in gay porn (so I've heard). 

  • Hook 'Em 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
conVINCEd

conVINCEd 21477

Posted
Posted

If you had to be locked in a cage, in the classic two men enter one man leaves scenario, would you rather be locked in that cage with prime Mike Tyson or a fully grown Nile crocodile?  A foursome spent the better part of a round of golf debating this and we all ended up choosing the crocodile.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Onboard 2.0

Onboard 2.0 9083

Posted
Posted
15 minutes ago, conVINCEd said:

If you had to be locked in a cage, in the classic two men enter one man leaves scenario, would you rather be locked in that cage with prime Mike Tyson or a fully grown Nile crocodile?  A foursome spent the better part of a round of golf debating this and we all ended up choosing the crocodile.

You just have to get thru the first 2 rounds with Mike, then your odds go way up.  You have to get thru the death roll with the croc.  That's happened less frequently I'll bet.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
conVINCEd

conVINCEd 21477

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, Onboard 2.0 said:

You just have to get thru the first 2 rounds with Mike, then your odds go way up.  You have to get thru the death roll with the croc.  That's happened less frequently I'll bet.

The general consensus was that Tyson was certain death if the rules were you had to fight to the death, you might outthink the crocodile, and death with the crocodile would happen quickly versus slowly getting bludgeoned to death by Tyson.

  • Hook 'Em 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21285

Posted
  • Author
Posted
9 minutes ago, conVINCEd said:

The general consensus was that Tyson was certain death if the rules were you had to fight to the death, you might outthink the crocodile, and death with the crocodile would happen quickly versus slowly getting bludgeoned to death by Tyson.

I disagree with your apparent conclusion that anyone besides the top 1% of badasses would ever last long enough to succumb to a slow bludgeoning by Mike Tyson. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
conVINCEd

conVINCEd 21477

Posted
Posted
4 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

I disagree with your apparent conclusion that anyone besides the top 1% of badasses would ever last long enough to succumb to a slow bludgeoning by Mike Tyson. 

I guess it’s a question of how long you’re conscious.  That was a talking point.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
conVINCEd

conVINCEd 21477

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, Onboard 2.0 said:

I think Tyson puts most out with 1 maybe 2 punches. He'd kill some with a single blow or quick three.

Define out.  Am I going to be somewhat aware that he is eating my ear, even if technically concussed?  Croc would be over really quickly once you were on the losing end.  I also miss the days when I could play a round of golf with friends with the major talking point being whether you would rather fight Tyson or a crocodile.  All kids and business these days.

  • Hook 'Em 1
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Onboard 2.0

Onboard 2.0 9083

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, conVINCEd said:

Define out.  Am I going to be somewhat aware that he is eating my ear, even if technically concussed?  Croc would be over really quickly once you were on the losing end.  I also miss the days when I could play a round of golf with friends with the major talking point being whether you would rather fight Tyson or a crocodile.  All kids and business these days.

OUT totally. I don't think death by a croc is quick. 

  • Hook 'Em 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Nivek

Nivek 17404

Posted
Posted
Isn't that supposed to be the underrated skill of what helped get us to the top of the food chain?  Our mid-range running?  We're not the fastest and we can't last the longest, but almost nothing else can run 8mph for an hour like we can.  As such, we wore a lot of animals out that were trying to kill us.  That part was a nice-to-have, but the weapons-making ability probably helped out a fuckton.  
I still come back to the eagle. Average American male outweighs it 10:1 but I think it's deceptively deadly only because the pair of 4-prong talons and the high-pressure beak mauling ability.  I was thinking about it on a drive out to the hill country yesterday...if you somehow subdue its talons...you got nothing to keep it from pecking your face into pastrami.  I guess roll over on top of it and pin down its talons with your knees and hope it doesn't rip through your tendons while using your hands to snap its neck.  I guess you gotta pin it down, take your slashes and deep cuts, while you eventually can stand on it and kick it to death?  You'll win but I think you'll come out so much more fucked up than most of those animals that polled further up the list.  

Eagle would be pretty easy. Punch the fucker one time and you can shatter it’s bones. Grab it’s wing and go hulk smash while it’s talons flail about.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
conVINCEd

conVINCEd 21477

Posted
Posted
4 minutes ago, Onboard 2.0 said:

OUT totally. I don't think death by a croc is quick. 

The potential to possibly outthink the croc was the argument that carried the day.  Still remember that round of golf because of that.  Lago Vista circa late 90’s.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
 Share
Go to topic listing


Football ... Basketball ... Baseball ... Other Sports ... Futbol ... 🤫995🤫 ... Gambling ... Movies & TV ... Music ... Hobbies ... Lulz ... Food & Travel ... Daily Texan ... Business and Markets ... Cloak Room ... Help ... For Sale ... Board Discussion ... Subscribe!... Donate!... Advertise... COOKIE MONSTER!

×
×
  • Create New...