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22% of men (incl. Kevin) don't realize that a chimp would fucking wreck them

Prepuce of Doom

By Prepuce of Doom
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Goredho
Goredho

A follow up to the above.  Tl;dr: the Emus are no more, man rules emus, and pussy rules man. My wife finally decided that we are not emu farmers.  Thank God.  She contacted the previous owners, a

Jameslaw121
Jameslaw121

An elephant that doesn't tell the truth  

Goredho
Goredho

We own 4 emus and I wouldn’t fight them either.  A typical feeding goes something like this: 1.  Note emus are across the pen, 100 yards away and looking in the opposite direction.  Safe enough.

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Guest Lobo

Guest Lobo

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Yep.  He credits his seminal role in "Taps" for landing him "Prisoner #4" in Trading Places.  Supposedly he's gone on to do some other roles, but I dunno.  

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956 Worldwide

956 Worldwide 34,772

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In 2020 it looks like 4 adult men in the “Surly Poster” age range (minus ArmyBrat) were killed in a single dog attack in the U.S.

I absolutely think a man could “win” a fight with a big dog. What I think is far less realistic is the confidence level and “without serious injuries most of the time” odds I’m seeing.  Especially since most healthy people aren’t sticking around to keep fighting the dog but trying to get away (hence the olds being over represented). 
 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fatal_dog_attacks_in_the_United_States

 

 

 

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conVINCEd

conVINCEd 21,469

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25 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

In 2020 it looks like 4 adult men in the “Surly Poster” age range (minus ArmyBrat) were killed in a single dog attack in the U.S.

I absolutely think a man could “win” a fight with a big dog. What I think is far less realistic is the confidence level and “without serious injuries most of the time” odds I’m seeing.  Especially since most healthy people aren’t sticking around to keep fighting the dog but trying to get away (hence the olds being over represented). 
 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fatal_dog_attacks_in_the_United_States

 

 

 

By far, the most likely result of a confrontation between a human and a large dog is a draw with minor injuries to both sides.  In some cases the injuries would be more severe but not result in death.  In this fictitious world we have created where on of the combatants must die, some humans would die and some dogs would die.  Is that acceptable?

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Nivek

Nivek 16,986

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man kills coyote with bare hands

Florida Man KOs rabid coyote with a single kick.

Russian farmer kills wolf with bare hands after it killed his 2 dogs.

 

wolf.jpg

I can't tell if he is squatting to make the wolf look bigger, but he is definitely holding it out to make it look bigger.  

Man kills mountain lion with bare hands, interview

52 yr old man kills pitbull that attacked him, choking it to death.

 

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MaybeACoordinator

MaybeACoordinator 8,349

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1 hour ago, Nivek said:


Do you really fight in bars and think this is a good thing?

I was not out starting fights, but I got my ass kicked once in a bar, sort of: the dude cold-cocked me, and then I chased him to his car, where he pulled a gun, and then drove off. 

This was all from me coming to the defense of one of those shit-talking friends....and the fact that I was three Long Island teas deep at the Marquis II. (If you know, you know.)

The second time was similar, minus the gun, and that time, it was my ex-wife who I was defending. New Year's Eve yada yada.

 

 

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MaybeACoordinator

MaybeACoordinator 8,349

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24 minutes ago, Nivek said:

man kills coyote with bare hands

Florida Man KOs rabid coyote with a single kick.

Russian farmer kills wolf with bare hands after it killed his 2 dogs.

 

wolf.jpg

I can't tell if he is squatting to make the wolf look bigger, but he is definitely holding it out to make it look bigger.  

Man kills mountain lion with bare hands, interview

52 yr old man kills pitbull that attacked him, choking it to death.

 

I've always thought I'd go for the eyeballs first. 

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nnm

nnm 36,640

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3 hours ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

 

6d39f27a6309b81e076139aad44ce8e1.jpg

Townes Van Zandt and his wolf-dog Geraldine. She was the smartest dog I ever knew -- she knew about 24 tricks. And she would assist Townes when he was shitfaced (which was every day) by kind of leaning into him while he staggered around. She was amazingly gentle, but it was a given that if anyone fucked with Townes they would die. 

She lived past 20 years....

Did you know Townes?!?

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closetohumping

closetohumping 17,470

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15 hours ago, ztejas said:

Dude... your debate skills are terrible. That is the dog's OWNER. He isn't TRYING to kill the dog. You really don't think he could choke that dog out from that position? He is EASILY doing what I have been telling you would be one of the best ways of doing it. 

As for the Doberman video - that shit gets out of hand quickly but that dumbass is still able to protect himself decently (albeit with a little help) - and again - endgame there is not killing the dog. There aren't any throats or faces being ripped off instantly. But I will say that in the "large dog" umbrella a Doberman is one that I would be least interested in fighting to the death. Funny how I have yet to see any examples of a standard poodle or Labrador retriever killing or maiming someone.

I'm probably wasting my time here though anyway since you think a 120 POUND wolf is somehow the same thing as any breed of dog. You realize most of the "vicious killing instinct" has been bred out of most breeds right and to some extent all of them? Maybe I'll find some 7th graders you can have this discussion with. 

Here's a similarly sized wolf vs. dog. The dog is done in almost instantly.

I'm half expecting 956's next example to be a coyote killing a toddler. 

This is really sad to watch.  

 

Back to the medium dog argument.  Temperment is a huge factor.  A pit bull is different than my goldendoodle.

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Nivek

Nivek 16,986

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I've always thought I'd go for the eyeballs first. 

I saw that in some, gouging eyes but I guess the dog ran off from those attacks ceased and the person didn’t chase down the dog.

The mountain lion one is really amazing, that is a slight but fit dude and how little damage he took was impressive. I cant imaging the mountain lion was very big, but still.

I saw a guy interviewed who was bit by a gator while fishing in the everglades, he was a bodybuilder and he claimed he simply opened the gators mouth and pulled his forearm free (it hit perpendicular to forearm) and the gator swam away. If I recall correctly he said the gator wasn’t very big, maybe 4-5 ft. Impressed me as a kid.
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  • Prepuce of Doom changed the title to 22% of men (incl. Kevin) don't realize that a chimp would fucking wreck them
956 Worldwide

956 Worldwide 34,772

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33 minutes ago, Nivek said:


I saw that in some, gouging eyes but I guess the dog ran off from those attacks ceased and the person didn’t chase down the dog.

The mountain lion one is really amazing, that is a slight but fit dude and how little damage he took was impressive. I cant imaging the mountain lion was very big, but still.

I saw a guy interviewed who was bit by a gator while fishing in the everglades, he was a bodybuilder and he claimed he simply opened the gators mouth and pulled his forearm free (it hit perpendicular to forearm) and the gator swam away. If I recall correctly he said the gator wasn’t very big, maybe 4-5 ft. Impressed me as a kid.

The cougar guy is a legit badass. I read a separate article that said the mountain lion was under a year old, so still learning how to hunt and not fully grown.

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956 Worldwide

956 Worldwide 34,772

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23 hours ago, SimonBolivar said:

Insane to me that there are 0 confirmed orca fatalities in the wild. They'll kill you at SeaWorld, but they don't really care about you if you don't imprison them.

Not as many opportunities for interaction.  Orcas do hunt in shallow water but not the shallow, warm, sandy beaches where people like to hang out. Orcas are also more intelligent and perceptive than sharks and can instantly file you in “not food/threat/sex buddy” categories and thus do not care. Sharks often bite you then decide you’re not food and that’s more than enough to kill you with blood loss especially in the water and needing to get to shore. That’s how their senses work.

Orcas are probably my “hardest ass animal” though.  Put it this way, a swimming elephant (they can swim) could be turned into sushi by an orca.  A beached orca would eventually be stomped and gored to death by a pissed off elephant, but it would take longer. 

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nnm

nnm 36,640

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1 hour ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

Yes, very well, as a kid and young man. He was a close friend of my parents. Much more than that would doxx me. 

Very, very cool.  Yes, don't go into details--what you've said is enough.  What a talented, tormented soul.  I only know him through his music, the various media pieces about him, and the mythology.  You yourself have a significant window into Texas music history.  Would be interesting to hear someday.

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ABSR

ABSR 5,324

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3 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

A Caucasian Shepard is another breed that will ruin your day. A big male will be over 200 pounds and look you in the eye with its paws on your shoulder. There is a Central Asian version that’s the same size but a bit less hair and a nicer attitude.

b1a5cfb20d9131986f961dd3c551b95d.jpg

Which has the higher credit score?

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Nivek

Nivek 16,986

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31 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Not as many opportunities for interaction.  Orcas do hunt in shallow water but not the shallow, warm, sandy beaches where people like to hang out. Orcas are also more intelligent and perceptive than sharks and can instantly file you in “not food/threat/sex buddy” categories and thus do not care. Sharks often bite you then decide you’re not food and that’s more than enough to kill you with blood loss especially in the water and needing to get to shore. That’s how their senses work.

Orcas are probably my “hardest ass animal” though.  Put it this way, a swimming elephant (they can swim) could be turned into sushi by an orca.  A beached orca would eventually be stomped and gored to death by a pissed off elephant, but it would take longer. 

Good God, you just got my mind wondering if there was a deranged orca that filed a human as sex buddy.  ugh...

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lmao

lmao 178

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On 5/15/2021 at 1:25 PM, 956 Worldwide said:

A lot more animals than you imagine are going to mess up your shit if it becomes a “you or me” battle with no exit for them available.  Animals have no brakes, every single ounce of energy is going to go into turning you into quivering hamburger meat. The dog is a good example, you might come away if the goal is to get you away from its territory and you have an exit.  If it’s a cage match and only one of you is coming out—- you might win but you aren’t gonna feel like you won.

And an adult male chimp is going to end your world, if you live it’s gonna be without balls, a face, eyes, and several digits. 

Chimp would be the last on the list I'd want in a cage match. At least with the others the death would be quicker.

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Chewbacca

Chewbacca 7,785

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8 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

The wolf that bit the guy was 120 pounds. When I am thinking “large dog”,I’m thinking mastiffs, wolfhounds, and the aggressive breeds in the 100 plus pound range. Maybe not the “wild instinct” but the teeth and weight are similar. Not your tail wagging lab. Although labs put a hell of a lot of grown people in hospitals each year.  I love how many dudes think they are just gonna power through a serious bite.

Yep.  Just think of all the videos you see where the dude beats up the police K9 and gets away...

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Nivek

Nivek 16,986

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56 minutes ago, Chewbacca said:

Yep.  Just think of all the videos you see where the dude beats up the police K9 and gets away...

https://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/ny-texas-teen-police-dog-beating-death-kozmo-mesquite-texas-20210430-wce45paf6veubgtyyshg3x36le-story.html

Didn't get away, but the dog was beaten to death.  

 

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closetohumping

closetohumping 17,470

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22 minutes ago, Nivek said:

https://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/ny-texas-teen-police-dog-beating-death-kozmo-mesquite-texas-20210430-wce45paf6veubgtyyshg3x36le-story.html

Didn't get away, but the dog was beaten to death.  

 

Was there anything in the article that said whether a weapon was used?  Or more than one assailant?

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Nivek

Nivek 16,986

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53 minutes ago, closetohumping said:

Was there anything in the article that said whether a weapon was used?  Or more than one assailant?

It didn't say.  The article seemed to suggest it was one person, a teenager, and I didn't get a description if it was some genetic freak of a human or not.  I excluded other stories were weapons were employed, sadly there were quite a few.  Though I think the guy who shot a police dog getting 45 years was a bit much since civilian dogs are treated as property only, but that is another discussion.

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Chewbacca

Chewbacca 7,785

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1 hour ago, Nivek said:

https://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/ny-texas-teen-police-dog-beating-death-kozmo-mesquite-texas-20210430-wce45paf6veubgtyyshg3x36le-story.html

Didn't get away, but the dog was beaten to death.  

 

I'm sure it happens sometimes.  But never in any of the videos I've seen.  They all end the same way with the dude on the ground getting eaten by the dog.

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closetohumping

closetohumping 17,470

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33 minutes ago, Nivek said:

It didn't say.  The article seemed to suggest it was one person, a teenager, and I didn't get a description if it was some genetic freak of a human or not.  I excluded other stories were weapons were employed, sadly there were quite a few.  Though I think the guy who shot a police dog getting 45 years was a bit much since civilian dogs are treated as property only, but that is another discussion.

Fair enough.  Hate to get too granular, but curious how it happened.  Like was he hiding and caught the dog off guard with an object?  Wearing long sleeves?  If he's gangster he may not be an average man.  So, point to you, average man may be able to handle a big dog.

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Coelenterate Fuccboi

Coelenterate Fuccboi 13,119

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4 hours ago, Chewbacca said:

Yep.  Just think of all the videos you see where the dude beats up the police K9 and gets away...

Running away makes you vulnerable for a take down. Face down against anything is not where you want to be (women excluded). Fighting back against a police dog is a no win situation. The longer you fight, the longer he bite and the cop won’t allow you to win, quickly ending the fight with a bullet or a club upside the head.

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Chewbacca

Chewbacca 7,785

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2 minutes ago, Coelenterate Fuccboi said:

Running away makes you vulnerable for a take down. Face down against anything is not where you want to be (women excluded). Fighting back against a police dog is a no win situation. The longer you fight, the longer he bite and the cop won’t allow you to win, quickly ending the fight with a bullet or a club upside the head.

Surely the alpha males here wouldn't have a problem with a little 70# Malinois, right?

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General Specific

General Specific 3,268

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Surely the alpha males here wouldn't have a problem with a little 70# Malinois, right?

Yes, size and temperament of the dog matter. Ole lady blue hairs 10# poodle, haha! 10/10.

~100# working dog, no so much. 4-6/10.

FTR, I have a Giant Schnauzer. I would not want to fuck with one if I did not know it personally, (one on one, not a chance without weapons).
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gmr548

gmr548 16,616

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9 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Not as many opportunities for interaction.  Orcas do hunt in shallow water but not the shallow, warm, sandy beaches where people like to hang out. Orcas are also more intelligent and perceptive than sharks and can instantly file you in “not food/threat/sex buddy” categories and thus do not care. Sharks often bite you then decide you’re not food and that’s more than enough to kill you with blood loss especially in the water and needing to get to shore. That’s how their senses work.

Orcas are probably my “hardest ass animal” though.  Put it this way, a swimming elephant (they can swim) could be turned into sushi by an orca.  A beached orca would eventually be stomped and gored to death by a pissed off elephant, but it would take longer. 

Orcas are peerless. Those are some bad motherfuckers.

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Buzzrock

Buzzrock 14,941

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Yes, size and temperament of the dog matter. Ole lady blue hairs 10# poodle, haha! 10/10.

~100# working dog, no so much. 4-6/10.

FTR, I have a Giant Schnauzer. I would not want to fuck with one if I did not know it personally, (one on one, not a chance without weapons).


I’d never heard of a giant Schnauzer until yesterday when my engineer sent me pics of hers. With her kids riding it around the kitchen.
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Deej

Deej 76,922

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On 5/19/2021 at 10:41 PM, conVINCEd said:

Is that a full-grown husky?

Huskies really aren't that big, so while that wolf is big, it looks bigger if you are expecting the husky to be bigger. Males usually range from 45-60 lbs. Females from 35-50. Malamutes, which people sometimes confuse with Huskies, on the other hand, get about 85 pounds for males and 75 for females.

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