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22% of men (incl. Kevin) don't realize that a chimp would fucking wreck them

Prepuce of Doom

By Prepuce of Doom
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Tylerocks

Tylerocks 2571

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A truly aggressive dog will fuck some shit up.

a Pit is a "medium sized dog" that I wouldn't want to tangle with.

I do think a dude would have the upper hand in the right circumstance(some sort of chokehold), but you're going to get real fucked up in the process

 

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Goredho
Goredho

A follow up to the above.  Tl;dr: the Emus are no more, man rules emus, and pussy rules man. My wife finally decided that we are not emu farmers.  Thank God.  She contacted the previous owners, a

Jameslaw121
Jameslaw121

An elephant that doesn't tell the truth  

Goredho
Goredho

We own 4 emus and I wouldn’t fight them either.  A typical feeding goes something like this: 1.  Note emus are across the pen, 100 yards away and looking in the opposite direction.  Safe enough.

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Sawbonz

Sawbonz 27985

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I took care of some dog bites in residency. In a fight to the death  the man is probably going to win vs the 100# dog most of the time but he is going to end up with some life altering injuries. Vascular, tendon, and bony injuries can be repaired/heal pretty well. Nerve injuries, muscle belly injuries, and large area skin/subcutaneous fat loss not so much. 
 

also don’t sleep on a MFing tapir

 

https://apnews.com/article/4917826c364366d92d36195258efc991

Edited by Sawbonz
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Blotto

Blotto 23882

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On 5/20/2021 at 5:33 AM, Coelenterate Fuccboi said:

Posted to show how he gained control by grabbing the dog by the neck, and then used his body weight. Now picture how big Vic must be to gain control in the bedroom.

Vic is no rookie. Probably never enters the thunderdome without a $15 goodie bag from the taco bell value menu in case shit starts getting out of control.

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nnm

nnm 37520

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This little video illustrates the difference. Seemingly benign donkey gets the good-sized bro running for his life in no time. Once most animals have the “on” switch flipped, it means bad news for the bare knuckles bro. 

 

 

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WhatTheBuck

WhatTheBuck 28889

Posted
Posted
On 6/21/2021 at 6:24 PM, Superhero said:

This was on the Father's Day thread. That dad gonna get fucking wrecked.

D979B744-EE41-4FA0-A0F0-18357B9B7C44.jpeg

Hey kid, your dad is gay. It’s no big deal. Doesn’t mean you’re gay. But if you are, that’s cool too. It’s not a choice. But your dad is definitely gay. 

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MaybeACoordinator

MaybeACoordinator 8350

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I bet either of these two little Tyson Furies would beat the crap out at least half the dudes who think they could take down a chimp. Probably more because the more you know about fighting, the more you know how to assess an opponent. 

From the looks of it, these Irish Tinker kids could probably drink 90 percent of us under the table, too. 

107096961_2821720041284700_7044262731644

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nnm

nnm 37520

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The Brits are less confident that they could take out the various animals. Not sure if that’s a positive or not. 
17 out of 100 Americans think they could take a chimp. Only 10 in 100 Brits. 

And I don’t care where you’re from, you’re not taking a grizzly bear. But 2 in 100 Brits and 6 in 100 Americans think they could. I’d pay to watch those guys try. 

1270E85F-F381-4914-83CB-3437AFE95ACA.jpeg

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52-80

52-80 19365

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1 hour ago, nnm said:

The Brits are less confident that they could take out the various animals. Not sure if that’s a positive or not. 
17 out of 100 Americans think they could take a chimp. Only 10 in 100 Brits. 

And I don’t care where you’re from, you’re not taking a grizzly bear. But 2 in 100 Brits and 6 in 100 Americans think they could. I’d pay to watch those guys try. 

1270E85F-F381-4914-83CB-3437AFE95ACA.jpeg

245 years of conditioning

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TexArcher

TexArcher 38786

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31 minutes ago, OneOfTheOutOfFocusGuys said:
8% of women, 9% of men think they could take this thing. 600 pounds of face shredding power.

 

And they should be encouraged to try.  It might not be too late to reverse the early scene in Idiocracy that we're all living through.

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Goredho

Goredho 17602

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Posted (edited)
On 5/15/2021 at 7:22 AM, Goredho said:

We own 4 emus and I wouldn’t fight them either.  A typical feeding goes something like this:

1.  Note emus are across the pen, 100 yards away and looking in the opposite direction.  Safe enough.

2.  Quickly dart into pen and set down food dish so you can get out before they notice.

4. Raise up to realize you are surrounded by 4 emus less than a foot away from you in each direction.  How did they get there?

5.  Ouch!  That fucker pecked the back of my ear!

6.  Spin around and slap emu across the beak

7. Feel another peck from behind on your neck from another emu

8.  Simultaneously get kicked in the balls by the first emu

9.  Give up and lunge away from their food and out of the pen while they hiss at you

10. Give laughing wife an angry glare

A follow up to the above.  Tl;dr: the Emus are no more, man rules emus, and pussy rules man.

My wife finally decided that we are not emu farmers.  Thank God.  She contacted the previous owners, and told them she was going to be getting rid of them and offered them first rights to take them back at no charge.  To my utter fucking surprise, they agreed, and would be coming from Tennessee to Colorado to pick them up!  I wondered what level of Hatfield-vs-McCoys trouble these poor people must have gotten themselves into if they are willing to bring back the emus?

Around mid-day Sunday they arrived with their big ass truck and livestock trailer.  The wife got out of the driver's seat.  She's 5'0" and weighs about half an emu.  Her and my wife immediately started gabbing.  I kept looking at the truck, waiting for her husband to get out, and all the emu wranglers they had when they dropped them off.  I started to get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, so I interjected:

Me: "Hey, uh, so.... would you and your husband like some water?"

Emu Lady: "Oh, haha, you're so funny.  Its just me, and I have a bottle right here in my hands!  My husband had a flag football game today."

I shot my wife an angry glare, but she wouldn't meet my eyes.  This should be fucking interesting.  We got my 13 year old son and headed down to the pen, while the emu lady backed her trailer up to the gate.  Her and my wife started to strategize.

Emu Lady: "I am sure they still recognize me.  Let me go in and lead them to the trailer."

They didn't recognize her.  Or if they did, it was as a food source.  She dashed out of the pen 5 seconds later, with some blood dripping from her fingers.

Emu Lady: "Wow, they've gotten fiesty!  Have you been feeding them?"

Wife:  "Oh yes, we love them and take very good care of them."

Me:  "Every day for 11 months now, with nary a contribution to the farm."

Emu Lady: "Ok, well maybe I can put some food in the trailer and that will get them in."

Nope.  If cat food and sunflower seeds were ever a motivator for these fucking wannabe dinosaurs, that was gone after they got a taste of human flesh.  My wife got some plastic temporary fencing, with the idea that she and the emu lady would stretch that out between them and try to use it as a net to guide the emus into the trailer.

Me: "I don't think that's going to work."

Wife:  "Fuck you, honey.  I don't see you helping."

The women made it about 3 steps into the pen.  The emus glanced at them, they both dropped their ends of the temp fence and bolted.

We all kind of stood there for a moment, not saying anything, then I noticed my wife and the emu lady looking at each other.  They seemed to exchange some sort of hidden communication, as if they were having a conversation telepathically.  I got that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach again.

Emu Lady:  "I wish my husband were here.  We'd be done by now."

Me: "Yep, but apparently he loves flag football more than you."

Wife: "Yeah, I think we need more help for this.  Real help."

Me: "We could always just cull them."

Emu Lady & my wife:  "NO!"

Wife:  "What would your husband do to help if he were here?"

Emu Lady: "He'd just grab them and hold them until I could get a rope around their neck and lead them into the trailer."

Me: "Its a real shame he's abandoned you in your hour of need."

My wife turned, stared at me intensely, and started speaking to me telepathically.  Look, you can either man up and help get these emus into this fucking trailer, or you can move into the fucking camper and say goodbye to our sex life.  And then I'll have to find someone else to take these goddammed emus, and when they get here to pick them up, you'll have to help wrangle them then anyway.  So go take your balls out of my purse, and show your son how a man handles a problem.

I glanced at my son, who had been standing there watching all this, trying to remain unnoticed.  He spoke to me telepathically: Dad, I thought more of you than this.  You were my hero, but you can't even get an overgrown chicken into a trailer.  I guess I'll just grow up to be gay.

"Fine. Get your rope, just be ready to get it on these emus, and when we've got them in the trailer, I want you to drive back to Tennessee and never come west of the Mississippi river again."

My son and wife beamed proudly while the emu lady got her rope.  We both entered the pen, and she stayed at the gate.  I decided I would take Eddie first.  He's the biggest of the four.  The alpha male, and the one that is the most aggressive.  I figured if I was going to die that day, I might as well get it over with.  I walked towards him.  As I got within about 10 yards, his hackles stood up, he turned to face me, extended his neck and started hissing.  I kept approaching, and he started walking towards me, kicking and hissing. I heard the whistling from the Good, the Bad & The Ugly theme somewhere in the distance.  He was at his full height, and towered over me and my 6'2" frame.  I had a moment to think oh jesus, fuck this, I'll sleep in the goddamn trailer when he started to charge.  He closed the gap in under a second.  Shit was going down whether I wanted to quit or not.

He lurched his neck downwards, pecking at my face, but I ducked under it, stepped into his feathered body and grabbed his fucking neck.  I pivoted to get alongside his body so that he couldn't kick forward at me.  I switched my grip on his neck to a headlock while I wrapped my other arm over his worthless wings to get a good hold on him.  I drove upwards out of my crouch, lifted his ass up off the ground and executed a perfect fucking suplex with that goddamned emu.  I quickly got on top of him to keep him pinned to the ground.

My wife screamed.  The emu lady stood there with her mouth agape.  "GET THE FUCK OVER HERE!!" I yelled.  She scrambled over, got the noose around Eddie's neck and tightened it.  "Ok, get some tension on him, and then on the count of 3, I am going to roll away and you need to pull his ass towards that trailer and away from me."

1...  2... 3...

I rolled away, and the emu lady did her part, keeping tension on Eddie so he couldn't re-engage me.  Then I took the rope from her and got him all the way in.  I stepped out through the trailer's front door, and met them back at the gate.  My wife had a look of dire concern on her face.  My son was beaming at me.

Wife: "Is Eddie alright?"

Emu lady: "I... think so?"

Me:  "Thanks, yeah, I'm fine."

Wife:  "I saw you trip and fall.  Lucky that it was right on top of Eddie!"

Me:  "I didn't trip and fall, that was a perfectly executed grappling maneuver."

Wife:  "Haha, you are so funny!  I hope Eddie isn't hurt...."

The women continue checking out Eddie in the trailer, trying to make sure he didn't break a feather.  Shrugging, I walked over to my son, who was still beaming at me.

Son:  "DAD!  That was literally the craziest, coolest thing I've ever seen!!!"

Me:  "Not bad for an old man, eh?  Now you know -- sometimes you have to be a little crazy when you are a man."

We finished with the other 3 emu, none of which were nearly as eventful.  I was able to just grab them and the emu lady was able to get a noose on them and lead them to the trailer herself.  Within 45 minutes, she was driving off, ridding our farm of those goddamn emus.  My wife made sure to reward me later that night.

The next morning at breakfast she wanted to talk.

Wife:  "I've been thinking about what we should do with that pen now that the emus are gone..."

Me:  "Yeah?  Like having some pigmy goats or something?"

Wife: "Haha, you are so funny!  What do you think about... WATER BUFFALO?"

FUCK MY LIFE.

Edited by Goredho
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