22% of men (incl. Kevin) don't realize that a chimp would fucking wreck them

[futureman 22510]

6 hours ago, YGIFS said:

we didn’t make it this far because of Jesus and Democracy.  

you're wrong, because we absolutely did.

[futureman 22510]

1 hour ago, Braff Zacklin said:

Actually, the dumbest posts are from those who are being trolled without realizing they are being trolled.

I'm not trolling.  put me in a cage with five badgers and chimp and they're all gonna die.  I'm a big dude.

[nnm 36481]

 

[closetohumping 17453]

I still think half of you would get killed by a pit

[gofuckyourself 8349]

2 hours ago, nnm said:

 

Hornets and shit are no joke. An older guy in my parent's neighborhood was swarmed on his riding mower and died.

I said well that's a buzz kill. They weren't amused.

[Pdawg88 1126]

[Prepuce of Doom 21097]

"unspecified animate mechanical forces" 

[YGIFS 19452]

^

yeah, that just stuck out to me too.  Was about to post it until I scrolled down.  What in the flying fuck does that even mean?

I get unspecified.  People get attacked, disoriented, can't describe what happened, and die in the ambulance.  But how is something Animate and Mechanical, or is this like the force of the mechanics of movement of a large arm/leg/tail/core kills the person?  Or are there bionic animals out there that are like half mechanized robot, half animate creature of the wild?  And they just can crush us with their super limbs?  

[956 Worldwide 34737]

I am betting that “unspecified animate mechanical forces” is trees falling on people.

[High Plains Drifter 11050]

 

hey morons, "mechanical forces" are forces that are due to physical contact, meaning that the injury was caused by physical contact, and not poison or infections or whatever.

"Animate" means "relating to an animal". Plants are not "animate".

[High Plains Drifter 11050]

On 6/27/2023 at 11:07 PM, gofuckyourself said:

Hornets and shit are no joke. An older guy in my parent's neighborhood was swarmed on his riding mower and died.

I said well that's a buzz kill. They weren't amused.

 

No joke indeed.

I've told this story on here somewhere before, but once on a ranch in south texas I got swarmed by killer bees. I made the dash back to the truck in record time wearing work boots and snake chaps. Thank god the truck wasn't locked and the windows were already rolled up. I drove down the dirt road a little ways and after I stopped, they caught up to the truck and were trying to get at me through the windows. It wasn't until I got to pavement that I got away from them.

If I had had to fumble my keys out my pocket to unlock the door, or to start the engine so I could roll up the windows, it would have been much worse than the ten stings or so I got.

 

[Crapinon 2257]

13 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:

 

No joke indeed.

I've told this story on here somewhere before, but once on a ranch in south texas I got swarmed by killer bees. I made the dash back to the truck in record time wearing work boots and snake chaps. Thank god the truck wasn't locked and the windows were already rolled up. I drove down the dirt road a little ways and after I stopped, they caught up to the truck and were trying to get at me through the windows. It wasn't until I got to pavement that I got away from them.

If I had had to fumble my keys out my pocket to unlock the door, or to start the engine so I could roll up the windows, it would have been much worse than the ten stings or so I got.

 

Same type of thing happened to me. I was mowing the back property of our house next to my neighbors shed. All of a sudden I felt like I was on fire. Africanized bees had built a huge hive in the wall and my mower pissed them off. When I realized what was happening, I didn't even bother stopping the mower, I just outran the little bastards. It was probably the fastest 100 yd dash I ever ran and luckily the house doors were unlocked. I got stung 21 times and was killing the little bastards in the house as they continued to sting me. Hours later when I went to get the mower they came at me again when I was 50 yards away. I called a beekeeper friend who said they when they tag you they leave a pheromone that tags you as an enemy and they will go after you if you get close. When he tried to remove him he had to give up because he said they were too aggressive. I hoped they knew it was me who bought the poison when he exterminated them.

[Make em eat Taco Bell 1549]

13 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:

 

hey morons, "mechanical forces" are forces that are due to physical contact, meaning that the injury was caused by physical contact, and not poison or infections or whatever.

"Animate" means "relating to an animal". Plants are not "animate".

my guess it your car hitting a deer/moose/elk , killing driver & passenger. 

[Guest]

On 6/27/2023 at 8:08 PM, nnm said:

 

How many of line 1 are just from city slickers at Yellowstone?

[nnm 36481]

 

[Braff Zacklin 13635]

13 hours ago, nnm said:

Dude missed out.

[TheStoicPaisano 9922]

On 6/29/2023 at 8:00 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

"unspecified animate mechanical forces" 

 

[Not a cat 5660]

On 5/26/2023 at 7:55 AM, Nivek said:

Chimp easily. Hell it might rape the dying dog just for fun while its at it.

A guy I worked with swears the following story is true-

He knew a guy with a pet chimp.  Another guy's German shepherd started growling at the chimp, shit talking between the respective pet owners ensues.  German shepherd was let off his leash to settle the matter.  Chimp proceeds to grab the dog, carry it up a nearby tree where it dropped the lifeless dog corpse from a few stories up.  The whole process took about 10 seconds.

Now the narrator was a typical good ole boy prone to exaggeration in pursuit of a story but he swore it was true and I could certainly see that happening.  Unless it was future man's Chihuahua or something. 

[YGIFS 19452]

what did it grab the dog by?  Neck roll, collar, tail?  And what did the dog do on the way up the tree trunk?  I believe in the strength and dropping part, I'm just wondering what kinda resistance the dog put up since it obviously knew shit had gone sideways as it had never been off the ground before unless it was an elevator or stairs.

[Not a cat 5660]

I did not get the exact details as it purportedly happened in a flash - one second dog is lunging at a chimp, next thing it's flying through the air to its death.  Or maybe the chimp broke its neck immediately and the tree drop was just spiking the ball.  It's not like guys sitting around the fire with a pet chimp are conducting an autopsy afterward.

Even if that story is bullshit, I'd bet heavily on the chimp money line in any potential matchup 

[Prepuce of Doom 21097]

5 minutes ago, Not a cat said:

I did not get the exact details as it purportedly happened in a flash - one second dog is lunging at a chimp, next thing it's flying through the air to its death.  Or maybe the chimp broke its neck immediately and the tree drop was just spiking the ball.  It's not like guys sitting around the fire with a pet chimp are conducting an autopsy afterward.

Even if that story is bullshit, I'd bet heavily on the chimp money line in any potential matchup 

I'm picturing a real "Nigerian Hyena Guy Debt Collector" vibe at this particular backyard bonfire. 

 

Edited July 16, 2023 by Prepuce of Doom

[956 Worldwide 34737]

An adult male chimp would have mass, intelligence, strength, bite pressure, and thumbs on the GSD. Chimp is the heavy favorite. 

 

[Grade of D as in David 13253]

4 hours ago, Not a cat said:

I did not get the exact details as it purportedly happened in a flash - one second dog is lunging at a chimp, next thing it's flying through the air to its death.  Or maybe the chimp broke its neck immediately and the tree drop was just spiking the ball.  It's not like guys sitting around the fire with a pet chimp are conducting an autopsy afterward.

Even if that story is bullshit, I'd bet heavily on the chimp money line in any potential matchup 

That's exactly what guys sitting around the fire with a pet chimp would do 

[YGIFS 19452]

'Amateur Chimp Pathologist', coming this Fall on the CW

I'd watch that show.  I'd watch the shit outta that show.

[uoftorange 1386]

A number of adult men could kill a German shepherd (much much more couldn't) 

A chimp would fuck one up basically immediately, even if the dog bit down.  It can crush the skull of one

Edited July 17, 2023 by uoftorange

[HornOnTheBayou 8942]

18 hours ago, Not a cat said:

A guy I worked with swears the following story is true-

He knew a guy with a pet chimp.  Another guy's German shepherd started growling at the chimp, shit talking between the respective pet owners ensues.  German shepherd was let off his leash to settle the matter.  Chimp proceeds to grab the dog, carry it up a nearby tree where it dropped the lifeless dog corpse from a few stories up.  The whole process took about 10 seconds.

Now the narrator was a typical good ole boy prone to exaggeration in pursuit of a story but he swore it was true and I could certainly see that happening.  Unless it was future man's Chihuahua or something. 

I don't know. Seems a little suspicious. Seems like a story a cat would tell.

[956 Worldwide 34737]

Don’t know if this has been posted, it’s super disturbing and should put out of mind the thought of kicking a chimp’s ass.  And before the inevitable “she was a woman, not a big dude,”— your hands and face and muscles and tendons all attach the same way. Your sole hope is to somehow land a blow that knocks the animal out cold, because grappling is their game, so to speak, except while they do it they’re removing fingers, hands, balls, and faces:

https://nymag.com/news/features/70830/
 

Quote

When the authorities finally arrived, they saw a body lying mostly naked on the ground, lifeless and covered in nearly half its blood supply. Travis was roaming the property. He made his way to the police car. He swatted off its driver’s-side mirror. He went to the passenger’s side and tried to open the locked door. He walked back around to the driver’s side. He tried the door. It opened.

The officer lurched. He struggled to remove his gun from its holster. His body became wedged against the center-console computer. Travis stared into the car, baring his blood-streaked teeth. In one swift motion the officer at last released his gun and fired four rounds. Travis staggered backward, screeched, defecated, and ran off.

The officer got out of his car. Huge chunks of scalp and fingers lay scattered around the yard. He walked slowly to the body. With the stump of what remained of her arm, Charla Nash reached for his leg.

As another group of officers set out into the woods to look for him, Travis scampered unnoticed into the house. Leaving a trail of blood, he knuckle-walked through the kitchen, the bedroom, and into his room. Then he grasped his bedpost, heaved forward, and died.

Charla Nash’s injuries were overwhelming. Travis had bitten or torn away her eyelids, nose, jaw, lips, and most of her scalp. He’d broken nearly all the bones of her facial structure. He’d fully removed one of her hands and virtually all of the other. He’d rendered her blind.

 

[BHMCruiser 1814]

was the dog's name kevin

[Baboontyme 2815]

This probably should be it's own thread but some podcasters named Jenkins and Jones are doing a beast tournament, bracket style on Twitter. It's highly entertaining. Region 3 matchups dropping today. I'm having a hard time finding the original tweet to embed but you should be able to find it from here.

 

[Baboontyme 2815]

Try again

 

 

[Kennythetiger 9411]

Pit bulls beat hyenas in the championship. 

[Baboontyme 2815]

They're in the same region bruh. I have not seen the entire bracket yet, only the Steve Irwin and Big Boi regions but I hear that 3 333 lb Silverback Gorillas are in the mix for a top seed. 

[Deej 76858]

On 6/29/2023 at 8:57 PM, YGIFS said:

What in the flying fuck does that even mean?

Person didn't realize they had been attacked by Futureman. 

[Kennythetiger 9411]

9 hours ago, Baboontyme said:

They're in the same region bruh. I have not seen the entire bracket yet, only the Steve Irwin and Big Boi regions but I hear that 3 333 lb Silverback Gorillas are in the mix for a top seed. 

Any baboons?  

[Nivek 16948]

Don’t know if this has been posted, it’s super disturbing and should put out of mind the thought of kicking a chimp’s ass.  And before the inevitable “she was a woman, not a big dude,”— your hands and face and muscles and tendons all attach the same way. Your sole hope is to somehow land a blow that knocks the animal out cold, because grappling is their game, so to speak, except while they do it they’re removing fingers, hands, balls, and faces:
https://nymag.com/news/features/70830/
 

When the authorities finally arrived, they saw a body lying mostly naked on the ground, lifeless and covered in nearly half its blood supply. Travis was roaming the property. He made his way to the police car. He swatted off its driver’s-side mirror. He went to the passenger’s side and tried to open the locked door. He walked back around to the driver’s side. He tried the door. It opened.
The officer lurched. He struggled to remove his gun from its holster. His body became wedged against the center-console computer. Travis stared into the car, baring his blood-streaked teeth. In one swift motion the officer at last released his gun and fired four rounds. Travis staggered backward, screeched, defecated, and ran off.
The officer got out of his car. Huge chunks of scalp and fingers lay scattered around the yard. He walked slowly to the body. With the stump of what remained of her arm, Charla Nash reached for his leg.
As another group of officers set out into the woods to look for him, Travis scampered unnoticed into the house. Leaving a trail of blood, he knuckle-walked through the kitchen, the bedroom, and into his room. Then he grasped his bedpost, heaved forward, and died.
Charla Nash’s injuries were overwhelming. Travis had bitten or torn away her eyelids, nose, jaw, lips, and most of her scalp. He’d broken nearly all the bones of her facial structure. He’d fully removed one of her hands and virtually all of the other. He’d rendered her blind.

 

[Baboontyme 2815]

12 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

Any baboons?  

Maybe? If they can have bobcats, house cats and tigers all in I don't see why not. I'm waiting for the other two regions to drop anxiously.

3 333 lb gorillas or 10 100lb chimps? 

[Kennythetiger 9411]

Gorillas 

[Gil Bang 25984]

On 7/1/2023 at 11:10 AM, Crapinon said:

Same type of thing happened to me. I was mowing the back property of our house next to my neighbors shed. All of a sudden I felt like I was on fire. Africanized bees had built a huge hive in the wall and my mower pissed them off. When I realized what was happening, I didn't even bother stopping the mower, I just outran the little bastards. It was probably the fastest 100 yd dash I ever ran and luckily the house doors were unlocked. I got stung 21 times and was killing the little bastards in the house as they continued to sting me. Hours later when I went to get the mower they came at me again when I was 50 yards away. I called a beekeeper friend who said they when they tag you they leave a pheromone that tags you as an enemy and they will go after you if you get close. When he tried to remove him he had to give up because he said they were too aggressive. I hoped they knew it was me who bought the poison when he exterminated them.

 A guy crashed his car across the street from my house.  I heard the noise and went out to the upstairs balcony.  He hit a tree, containing a bee hive.  Poor bastard gets out of his car, dazed, and gets the shit stung out of him.  FD shows up; firemen getting stung left and right.  At some point a guy with a powerwash rig tries to save the day.   I'll look for the video. 

[Grade of D as in David 13253]

Edited July 24, 2023 by Grade of D as in David
Found the video

[Prepuce of Doom 21097]

On 7/22/2023 at 10:59 AM, Baboontyme said:

This probably should be it's own thread but some podcasters named Jenkins and Jones are doing a beast tournament, bracket style on Twitter. It's highly entertaining. Region 3 matchups dropping today. I'm having a hard time finding the original tweet to embed but you should be able to find it from here.

 

Doomlet was in a one-day, double-elimination 5 on 5 flag football tournament yesterday. 

His team's chosen name/mascot?

The Hyenas. 

[Pig Bellmont 8719]

 

[Baboontyme 2815]

The DMX Region is live.

#1 seed 2 500 lb Grizzly Bears vs #8 seed 200 5 lb rats.

Scouting Report

 

 

Vote 

#2 seed 3 333 lb Silverbacks vs #7 seed 200 5 lb cocks

Vote

#3 seed 25 40 lb wolverines vs #6 seed 50 20 lb racoons

Vote

 

#4 seed 100 10 lb mongooses vs #5 seed five 200 lb rams (this seems like the only non blowout of this region)

Vote

 

Edited July 25, 2023 by Baboontyme

[Grade of D as in David 13253]

Tom Brady as the rat was great 

[Baboontyme 2815]

7 hours ago, Grade of D as in David said:

Tom Brady as the rat was great 

Yes and I love that they have him facing Gronk. Also got a good chuckle out of the rooster/Manny Pacquiao comp. 

[TheStoicPaisano 9922]

 

[Baboontyme 2815]

New region dropped but I don't have the energy. There were some good matchups my fave was 10 100 lb wolves vs 5 200 lb cougars. In a one on one there's no question but with the ground rules I think I'm actually going wolves. 

[UT_OB1 2224]

11 hours ago, TheStoicPaisano said:

 

Holy fuck thread material. Or nightmare fuel 

 

[uoftorange 1386]

18 hours ago, Baboontyme said:

New region dropped but I don't have the energy. There were some good matchups my fave was 10 100 lb wolves vs 5 200 lb cougars. In a one on one there's no question but with the ground rules I think I'm actually going wolves. 

Easily Cougars.  The strength discrepancies is off the charts.  So is jumping and climbing ability

[Baboontyme 2815]

On 7/26/2023 at 5:32 PM, uoftorange said:

Easily Cougars.  The strength discrepancies is off the charts.  So is jumping and climbing ability

This is an open field battle Royal. There will be no sneaking up on anyone or ambushing. I'm going with the team that knows how to fight as a group vs the solo ambush predators. Also spoiler alert. Wolves won, I think it was close to 60/40.

[Superhero 8832]

On 7/25/2023 at 7:55 PM, Baboontyme said:

New region dropped but I don't have the energy. There were some good matchups my fave was 10 100 lb wolves vs 5 200 lb cougars. In a one on one there's no question but with the ground rules I think I'm actually going wolves. 

I would run away from a 200 lb cougar.

110 lb cougar? Bring. It. On.