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22% of men (incl. Kevin) don't realize that a chimp would fucking wreck them

Prepuce of Doom

By Prepuce of Doom
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Goredho
Goredho

A follow up to the above.  Tl;dr: the Emus are no more, man rules emus, and pussy rules man. My wife finally decided that we are not emu farmers.  Thank God.  She contacted the previous owners, a

Jameslaw121
Jameslaw121

An elephant that doesn't tell the truth  

Goredho
Goredho

We own 4 emus and I wouldn’t fight them either.  A typical feeding goes something like this: 1.  Note emus are across the pen, 100 yards away and looking in the opposite direction.  Safe enough.

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Superhero

Superhero 8,869

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1 hour ago, nnm said:

It's all fun and games until Mama Bear shows up . . .

 

 

#teammamabear

Don’t want to die? Don’t encroach on their land.

Also Darwin theory at work. See bear? GTFO and dont’ stand there recording it on your phone.

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High Plains Drifter

High Plains Drifter 11,054

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33 minutes ago, Superhero said:

#teammamabear

Don’t want to die? Don’t encroach on their land.

Also Darwin theory at work. See bear? GTFO and dont’ stand there recording it on your phone.

 

No shit. years ago, I was hiking in Washington, not far from the Canadian border, and came across two brown bear cubs. They saw me and turned tail, one climbed a tree and the other ran off. I speed walked back down that trail in the other direction.

Pucker factor extreme. 

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nnm

nnm 36,735

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On 10/12/2021 at 9:51 AM, Goredho said:

A follow up to the above.  Tl;dr: the Emus are no more, man rules emus, and pussy rules man.

My wife finally decided that we are not emu farmers.  Thank God.  She contacted the previous owners, and told them she was going to be getting rid of them and offered them first rights to take them back at no charge.  To my utter fucking surprise, they agreed, and would be coming from Tennessee to Colorado to pick them up!  I wondered what level of Hatfield-vs-McCoys trouble these poor people must have gotten themselves into if they are willing to bring back the emus?

Around mid-day Sunday they arrived with their big ass truck and livestock trailer.  The wife got out of the driver's seat.  She's 5'0" and weighs about half an emu.  Her and my wife immediately started gabbing.  I kept looking at the truck, waiting for her husband to get out, and all the emu wranglers they had when they dropped them off.  I started to get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, so I interjected:

Me: "Hey, uh, so.... would you and your husband like some water?"

Emu Lady: "Oh, haha, you're so funny.  Its just me, and I have a bottle right here in my hands!  My husband had a flag football game today."

I shot my wife an angry glare, but she wouldn't meet my eyes.  This should be fucking interesting.  We got my 13 year old son and headed down to the pen, while the emu lady backed her trailer up to the gate.  Her and my wife started to strategize.

Emu Lady: "I am sure they still recognize me.  Let me go in and lead them to the trailer."

They didn't recognize her.  Or if they did, it was as a food source.  She dashed out of the pen 5 seconds later, with some blood dripping from her fingers.

Emu Lady: "Wow, they've gotten fiesty!  Have you been feeding them?"

Wife:  "Oh yes, we love them and take very good care of them."

Me:  "Every day for 11 months now, with nary a contribution to the farm."

Emu Lady: "Ok, well maybe I can put some food in the trailer and that will get them in."

Nope.  If cat food and sunflower seeds were ever a motivator for these fucking wannabe dinosaurs, that was gone after they got a taste of human flesh.  My wife got some plastic temporary fencing, with the idea that she and the emu lady would stretch that out between them and try to use it as a net to guide the emus into the trailer.

Me: "I don't think that's going to work."

Wife:  "Fuck you, honey.  I don't see you helping."

The women made it about 3 steps into the pen.  The emus glanced at them, they both dropped their ends of the temp fence and bolted.

We all kind of stood there for a moment, not saying anything, then I noticed my wife and the emu lady looking at each other.  They seemed to exchange some sort of hidden communication, as if they were having a conversation telepathically.  I got that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach again.

Emu Lady:  "I wish my husband were here.  We'd be done by now."

Me: "Yep, but apparently he loves flag football more than you."

Wife: "Yeah, I think we need more help for this.  Real help."

Me: "We could always just cull them."

Emu Lady & my wife:  "NO!"

Wife:  "What would your husband do to help if he were here?"

Emu Lady: "He'd just grab them and hold them until I could get a rope around their neck and lead them into the trailer."

Me: "Its a real shame he's abandoned you in your hour of need."

My wife turned, stared at me intensely, and started speaking to me telepathically.  Look, you can either man up and help get these emus into this fucking trailer, or you can move into the fucking camper and say goodbye to our sex life.  And then I'll have to find someone else to take these goddammed emus, and when they get here to pick them up, you'll have to help wrangle them then anyway.  So go take your balls out of my purse, and show your son how a man handles a problem.

I glanced at my son, who had been standing there watching all this, trying to remain unnoticed.  He spoke to me telepathically: Dad, I thought more of you than this.  You were my hero, but you can't even get an overgrown chicken into a trailer.  I guess I'll just grow up to be gay.

"Fine. Get your rope, just be ready to get it on these emus, and when we've got them in the trailer, I want you to drive back to Tennessee and never come west of the Mississippi river again."

My son and wife beamed proudly while the emu lady got her rope.  We both entered the pen, and she stayed at the gate.  I decided I would take Eddie first.  He's the biggest of the four.  The alpha male, and the one that is the most aggressive.  I figured if I was going to die that day, I might as well get it over with.  I walked towards him.  As I got within about 10 yards, his hackles stood up, he turned to face me, extended his neck and started hissing.  I kept approaching, and he started walking towards me, kicking and hissing. I heard the whistling from the Good, the Bad & The Ugly theme somewhere in the distance.  He was at his full height, and towered over me and my 6'2" frame.  I had a moment to think oh jesus, fuck this, I'll sleep in the goddamn trailer when he started to charge.  He closed the gap in under a second.  Shit was going down whether I wanted to quit or not.

He lurched his neck downwards, pecking at my face, but I ducked under it, stepped into his feathered body and grabbed his fucking neck.  I pivoted to get alongside his body so that he couldn't kick forward at me.  I switched my grip on his neck to a headlock while I wrapped my other arm over his worthless wings to get a good hold on him.  I drove upwards out of my crouch, lifted his ass up off the ground and executed a perfect fucking suplex with that goddamned emu.  I quickly got on top of him to keep him pinned to the ground.

My wife screamed.  The emu lady stood there with her mouth agape.  "GET THE FUCK OVER HERE!!" I yelled.  She scrambled over, got the noose around Eddie's neck and tightened it.  "Ok, get some tension on him, and then on the count of 3, I am going to roll away and you need to pull his ass towards that trailer and away from me."

1...  2... 3...

I rolled away, and the emu lady did her part, keeping tension on Eddie so he couldn't re-engage me.  Then I took the rope from her and got him all the way in.  I stepped out through the trailer's front door, and met them back at the gate.  My wife had a look of dire concern on her face.  My son was beaming at me.

Wife: "Is Eddie alright?"

Emu lady: "I... think so?"

Me:  "Thanks, yeah, I'm fine."

Wife:  "I saw you trip and fall.  Lucky that it was right on top of Eddie!"

Me:  "I didn't trip and fall, that was a perfectly executed grappling maneuver."

Wife:  "Haha, you are so funny!  I hope Eddie isn't hurt...."

The women continue checking out Eddie in the trailer, trying to make sure he didn't break a feather.  Shrugging, I walked over to my son, who was still beaming at me.

Son:  "DAD!  That was literally the craziest, coolest thing I've ever seen!!!"

Me:  "Not bad for an old man, eh?  Now you know -- sometimes you have to be a little crazy when you are a man."

We finished with the other 3 emu, none of which were nearly as eventful.  I was able to just grab them and the emu lady was able to get a noose on them and lead them to the trailer herself.  Within 45 minutes, she was driving off, ridding our farm of those goddamn emus.  My wife made sure to reward me later that night.

The next morning at breakfast she wanted to talk.

Wife:  "I've been thinking about what we should do with that pen now that the emus are gone..."

Me:  "Yeah?  Like having some pigmy goats or something?"

Wife: "Haha, you are so funny!  What do you think about... WATER BUFFALO?"

FUCK MY LIFE.

@Goredho, is this one of yours?

Emu: 

flat,750x,075,f-pad,750x1000,f8f8f8.webp

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SquishMitten

SquishMitten 10,451

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  • Cat - 55.4% - Ugh, yeah. Duh.
  • Sheep - 35% - Done it before
  • Dog - 32.8% - Depends on the breed
  • Possum - 25.4% - I'd probably come out with some nasty cuts and infections, but yeah
  • Raccoon - 24.9% - Done it before
  • Crane - 16.9% - My initial thought was yeah, but after some research I'm not sure. Appears that alligators don't fuck with them, so maybe not.
  • Eagle - 14.7% - The W probably goes to whichever one of us gets in the first clean shot. I think I could "win" but I might bleed out shortly afterwards.
  • Coyote - 14.7% - Yeah
  • Antelope - 10.2% - Maybe if I was able to sweep the legs during it's initial charge then get on top quickly...but probably not
  • Kangaroo - 9.6% - No way
  • Bear - 5.6% - Of course not
  • Manatee - 4.5% - I wouldn't even know where to begin, so I'm gonna say this is a definite no
  • Alligator 4.5% - Of course not
  • Moose 4.5% - Lol. No
  • Elk 2.3% - Nope
  • None of the Above - 19.2% - Lol. Pussies
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gsoda3

gsoda3 3,284

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14 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

They’ll knock the piss out of a crocodile but leave the baby buffalo alone. I wonder what that zebra initially did. 

he got a little uppity.

 

how did the tuskless elephant kill the alligator? he just stomped him to death in the water? brutal.

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Crapinon

Crapinon 2,277

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4 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

The opossum is probably cleaner than the cat. 

Yeah. I pick them up and toss them out of the garage all the time. They shouldn't even be on this list.

I've had plenty of cats that would shred you to pieces before you could kill it. My wife has been bitten by cats twice and both times they turned into infections.

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Braff Zacklin

Braff Zacklin 13,670

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On 10/9/2024 at 4:19 PM, nnm said:

 

Aren't rhinos the second largest/heaviest land animal? Those elephants didn't even rate 'em.

23 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

Note to self: stay the fuck away from elephant.

That clip someone posted a week or so ago with the elephant jacking up that safari bus was impressive. Lifted the front end several feet off the ground and didn't even look like it took much effort.

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nnm

nnm 36,735

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3 hours ago, shadow_operative2.0 said:

^ Same, buddy's kid's cat got me pretty good while house-sitting awhile back. Fuck that thing. 

Back when I was a baby lawyer I defended a claim by a guy against his ex-gf. Her cat had scratched him, given him cat scratch fever (not the good, Ted Nugent kind), and he’d been hospitalized, including a partial amputation. Cats’ claws are full of crap from their litter boxes and other things. 
 

Lesson:  in a to-the-death fight with a house cat, you may indeed temporarily prevail rather quickly. But if the cat manages to lay a claw on you, and you don’t treat it appropriately, the cat may well get his revenge. 
 


https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/23537-cat-scratch-fever

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UT_OB1

UT_OB1 2,227

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Went for a jog with my daughter around the neighborhood. Trying to get her trained up for cross country. Anyway, we were about half a mile in to it when a kid pointed out a “dog” hung in a fence. It tried to jump the wooden fence and one of the boards broke, and it was hanging by its neck stuck, back legs clawing trying to keep from dying. So I go to save the dog I realize it’s a coyote. Daughter required that it be saved even though it was a coyote. Being the bad ass dad that I am, I walked up, touched it once to hopefully calm it, grabbed it about midway and lifted him free if the fence. Fucker proceeded to try to bite me, but I was in no danger, set/dropped him on the ground to recover.  We did another lap, and he took off by the time we came back around.  All the neighbors saw him fleeing back to Armand bayou at that point. 
 

I could definitely give a chimp a run for its money. Punchers chance at winning. 

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