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22% of men (incl. Kevin) don't realize that a chimp would fucking wreck them


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Posted
This is the horrifying moment a crazed bull elephant attacked tourists on safari in Zambia, leaving an American woman dead, after chasing a safari truck for more than half a mile through a national park.
Six tourists were on a game drive in the Kafue National Park when the angry fully-grown male ran flat out to catch up with the vehicle - before the driver abruptly stopped.
Video shows how a tourist says 'oh my goodness' as the elephant keeps pace with the car, as another says 'oh oh' and a third adds 'it's coming fast' in the last desperate moments before collision.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-13267645/Horrifying-moment-American-tourist-dies-five-ton-bull-elephant-chases-safari-truck-half-mile-charges-straight-driver-suddenly-stops.html
The driver must've missed the training day when they taught "Don't Stop If Chased By Really, Really, Large Wild Animal"

According to the googs a bull elephant can only run 25 mph and can only do a full sprint for about 50 yards. I think the driver was trying to give them something to talk about back at the camp and not really trying to outrun it.
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Posted
1 hour ago, closetohumping said:

image.thumb.png.efb3502b47547bb1e1f58dbf178d1225.png

The bear cleans up.  Even if it’s a regular grizzly he’s twice as massive as the lion or gorilla, if it’s a Kodiak or Kamchatka bear it’s three times the mass. The bear has thicker skin and is stronger than all of them.  

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Posted

Cage match I'd say bear on size alone.  Maybe the gorilla could out smart him in an environmental setting.  I would imagine any large animal could simply trample the anaconda.

1 Bear

2 Gorilla

3 Lion

4 Anaconda

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Posted

These discussions always focus on brute strength but I think there are factors like reaction time that we have no idea how to gauge. Cats are basically impervious to snakes because the reaction times are so different. 
 

 

 

who knows how these animals line up in details like that. 

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Posted
4 minutes ago, SuingToGetAMessageBoard? said:

These discussions always focus on brute strength but I think there are factors like reaction time that we have no idea how to gauge. Cats are basically impervious to snakes because the reaction times are so different. 
 

 

 

who knows how these animals line up in details like that. 

Cats are fucking badass no doubt but I am team gorilla.

Posted

The bear is going to make mincemeat of the gorilla.  The gorilla’s thumbs and smarts are not helpful, gorillas are not trained martial artists and they are going to react by trying to use brute strength. Bears are not vulnerable in the way humans are and have skulls and bones designed to weather kicks from full grown moose (which they prey on).  A large brown bear is the world’s biggest terrestrial predator in a dead heat with polar bears.  If you don’t have the size of a rhino, elephant, or hippo you’re going down.  This is a physics problem, basically. 

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Posted
22 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

The bear is going to make mincemeat of the gorilla.  The gorilla’s thumbs and smarts are not helpful, gorillas are not trained martial artists and they are going to react by trying to use brute strength. Bears are not vulnerable in the way humans are and have skulls and bones designed to weather kicks from full grown moose (which they prey on).  A large brown bear is the world’s biggest terrestrial predator in a dead heat with polar bears.  If you don’t have the size of a rhino, elephant, or hippo you’re going down.  This is a physics problem, basically. 

If leo DiCaprio could hang with a bear in the revenant a gorilla sure can

1 hour ago, Gene Parmesan said:

There was a show a while back on one of discovery or animal planet that computer simulated these showdowns.  I only remember a gorilla vs jaguar or leopard.  Gorilla took the W.  

Yea.  Well there were simulations in 05 that usc was gonna beat our ass.  That didn’t happen

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Posted
45 minutes ago, closetohumping said:

If leo DiCaprio could hang with a bear in the revenant a gorilla sure can

Yea.  Well there were simulations in 05 that usc was gonna beat our ass.  That didn’t happen

The real question is a bear vs 05 usc.

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Posted
51 minutes ago, closetohumping said:

Also baboons and leopards have had century long feuds across the great Savannah.  Baboons haven’t lost every battle

Yeah but baboons and leopards are more or less the same weight class. That bear is going to be 2x to 3x the weight of the lion or gorilla.

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Posted
6 minutes ago, SimonBolivar said:

Python is bendy and the cage crushes the bear.

 

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See, the problem is that you’re assuming a cage with bars. That doesn’t work, because the snake will just slither away and live to fight another day. The other critters will also stick various limbs in and out of the slats. 

It’s gotta be a solid glass cage. In that case, the mini-cage, as illustrated above, works perfectly for the snek. He only has to keep hisself out of the other critters’ mouths and strangle each of them one by one. 

You have aggravated my claustrophobia. 

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Posted
51 minutes ago, nnm said:

See, the problem is that you’re assuming a cage with bars. That doesn’t work, because the snake will just slither away and live to fight another day. The other critters will also stick various limbs in and out of the slats. 

It’s gotta be a solid glass cage. In that case, the mini-cage, as illustrated above, works perfectly for the snek. He only has to keep hisself out of the other critters’ mouths and strangle each of them one by one. 

You have aggravated my claustrophobia. 

Any of these animals can break the glass though.k

Posted
Just now, closetohumping said:

Any of these animals can break the glass though.k

And the snake has the glass advantage too because I once watched this documentary where this English kid spoke to a snake and the glass disappeared allowing him to escape. 

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Posted
19 hours ago, Pdawg88 said:

Of course a guy with those earrings is taking a selfie 

And doesn't realize the background is too bright, and he will be nothing but a silhouette.

Posted (edited)
On 1/23/2025 at 4:44 PM, 956 Worldwide said:

gorillas are not trained martial artists 

They're bread eaters mostly

Edited by Blotto
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Posted

Seems like it comes up enough and there are enough people interested, that the cage match could be arranged.  Worldwide PPV would make a mint. PETA might feign outrage, but they would raise a shit ton of money as well.

Posted
24 minutes ago, SquishMitten said:

6"6' and 220 pounds of wild animal muscle. Very few people are going to walk away cleanly from that. 

Posted previously somewhere in this thread, but kangaroos have a knife on the end of their feet and could kick your guts onto your roof if they so desired. 

Screenshot_20250206_145428_Google.thumb.jpg.b3544c3838025c786b9cc3f5b33b5126.jpg

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Posted
58 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Posted previously somewhere in this thread, but kangaroos have a knife on the end of their feet and could kick your guts onto your roof if they so desired. 

Screenshot_20250206_145428_Google.thumb.jpg.b3544c3838025c786b9cc3f5b33b5126.jpg

There's a very popular video of a man punching a kangaroo.  Kangaroo didn't do shit

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