22% of men (incl. Kevin) don't realize that a chimp would fucking wreck them

[nnm 36041]

1 hour ago, Goredho said:

A follow up to the above.  Tl;dr: the Emus are no more, man rules emus, and pussy rules man.

My wife finally decided that we are not emu farmers.  Thank God.  She contacted the previous owners, and told them she was going to be getting rid of them and offered them first rights to take them back at no charge.  To my utter fucking surprise, they agreed, and would be coming from Tennessee to Colorado to pick them up!  I wondered what level of Hatfield-vs-McCoys trouble these poor people must have gotten themselves into if they are willing to bring back the emus?

Around mid-day Sunday they arrived with their big ass truck and livestock trailer.  The wife got out of the driver's seat.  She's 5'0" and weighs about half an emu.  Her and my wife immediately started gabbing.  I kept looking at the truck, waiting for her husband to get out, and all the emu wranglers they had when they dropped them off.  I started to get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, so I interjected:

Me: "Hey, uh, so.... would you and your husband like some water?"

Emu Lady: "Oh, haha, you're so funny.  Its just me, and I have a bottle right here my hands!  My husband had a flag football game today."

I shot my wife an angry glare, but she wouldn't meet my eyes.  This should be fucking interesting.  We got my 13 year old son and headed down to the pen, while the emu lady backed her trailer up to the gate.  Her and my wife started to strategize.

Emu Lady: "I am sure they still recognize me.  Let me go in and lead them to the trailer."

They didn't recognize her.  Or if they did, it was as a food source.  She dashed out of the pen 5 seconds later, with some blood dripping from her fingers.

Emu Lady: "Wow, they've gotten fiesty!  Have you been feeding them?"

Wife:  "Oh yes, we love them and take very good care of them."

Me:  "Every day for 11 months now, with nary a contribution to the farm."

Emu Lady: "Ok, well maybe I can put some food in the trailer and that will get them in."

Nope.  If cat food and sunflower seeds were ever a motivator for these fucking wannabe dinosaurs, that was gone after they got a taste of human flesh.  My wife got some plastic temporary fencing, with the idea that she and the emu lady would stretch that out between them and try to use it as a net to guide the emus into the trailer.

Me: "I don't think that's going to work."

Wife:  "Fuck you, honey.  I don't see you helping."

The women made it about 3 steps into the pen.  The emus glanced at them, they both dropped their ends of the temp fence and bolted.

We all kind of stood there for a moment, not saying anything, then I noticed my wife and the emu lady looking at each other.  They seemed to exchange some sort of hidden communication, as if they were having a conversation telepathically.  I got that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach again.

Emu Lady:  "I wish my husband were here.  We'd be done by now."

Me: "Yep, but apparently he loves flag football more than you."

Wife: "Yeah, I think we need more help for this.  Real help."

Me: "We could always just cull them."

Emu Lady & my wife:  "NO!"

Wife:  "What would your husband do to help if he were here?"

Emu Lady: "He'd just grab them and hold them until I could get a rope around their neck and lead them into the trailer."

Me: "Its a real shame he's abandoned you in your hour of need."

My wife turned, stared at me intensely, and started speaking to me telepathically.  Look, you can either man up and help get these emus into this fucking trailer, or you can move into the fucking camper and say goodbye to our sex life.  And then I'll have to find someone else to take these goddammed emus, and when they get here to pick them up, you'll have to help wrangle them then anyway.  So go take your balls out of my purse, and show your son how a man handles a problem.

I glanced at my son, who has been standing there watching all this, trying to remain unnoticed.  He spoke to me telepathically: Dad, I thought more of you than this.  You were my hero, but you can't even get an overgrown chicken into a trailer.  I guess I'll just grow up to be gay.

"Fine. Get your rope, just be ready to get it on these emus, and when we've got them in the trailer, I want you to drive back to Tennessee and never come west of the Mississippi river again."

My son and wife beamed proudly while the emu lady got her rope.  We both entered the pen, and she stayed at the gate.  I decided I would take Eddie first.  He's the biggest of the four.  The alpha male, and the one that is the most aggressive.  I figured if I was going to die that day, I might as well get it over with.  I walked towards him.  As I got within about 10 yards, his hackles stood up, he turned to face me, extended his neck and started hissing.  I kept approaching, and he started walking towards me, kicking and hissing. I heard the whistling from the Good, the Bad & The Ugly theme somewhere in the distance.  He was at his full height, and towered over me and my 6'2" frame.  I had a moment to think oh jesus, fuck this, I'll sleep in the goddamn trailer when he started to charge.  He closed the gap in under a second.  Shit was going down whether I want to quit or not.

He lurched his neck downwards, pecking at my face, but I ducked under it, stepped into his feathered body and grabbed his fucking neck.  I pivoted to get alongside his body so that he couldn't kick forward at me.  I switched my grip on his neck to a headlock while I wrapped my other arm over his worthless wings to get a good hold on him.  I drove upwards out of my crouch, lifted his ass up off the ground and executed a perfect fucking suplex with that goddamned emu.  I quickly got on top of him to keep him pinned to the ground.

My wife screamed.  The emu lady stood there with her mouth agape.  "GET THE FUCK OVER HERE!!" I yelled.  She scrambled over, got the noose around Eddie's neck and tightened it.  "Ok, get some tension on him, and then on the count of 3, I am going to roll away and you need to pull his ass towards that trailer and away from me."

1...  2... 3...

I rolled away, and the emu lady did her part, keeping tension on Eddie so he couldn't re-engage me.  Then I took the rope from her and got him all the way in.  I stepped out through the trailer's front door, and met them back at the gate.  My wife had a look of dire concern on her face.  My son was beaming at me.

Wife: "Is Eddie alright?"

Emu lady: "I... think so?"

Me:  "Thanks, yeah, I'm fine."

Wife:  "I saw you trip and fall.  Lucky that it was right on top of Eddie!"

Me:  "I didn't trip and fall, that was a perfectly executed grappling maneuver."

Wife:  "Haha, you are so funny!  I hope Eddie isn't hurt...."

The women continue checking out Eddie in the trailer, trying to make sure he didn't break a feather.  Shrugging, I walked over to my son, who was still beaming at me.

Son:  "DAD!  That was literally the craziest, coolest thing I've ever seen!!!"

Me:  "Not bad for an old man, eh?  Now you know -- sometimes you have to be a little crazy when you are a man."

We finished with the other 3 emu, none of which were nearly as eventful.  I was able to just grab them and the emu lady was able to get a noose on them and lead them to the trailer herself.  Within 45 minutes, she was driving off, ridding our farm of those goddamn emus.  My wife made sure to reward me later that night.

The next morning at breakfast my wife wanted to talk.

Wife:  "I've been thinking about what we should do with that pen now that the emus are gone..."

Me:  "Yeah?  Like having some pigmy goats or something?"

Wife: "What do you think about... WATER BUFFALO?"

FUCK MY LIFE.

Bravo sir. I would give more rep if I could. 

[Kennythetiger 9334]

“Fuck you, Honey” got a +rep. 

[Goredho 17341]

This is Eddie.

And yeah, he was named after this Eddie...

[Trey3216 15325]

2 hours ago, Goredho said:

A follow up to the above.  Tl;dr: the Emus are no more, man rules emus, and pussy rules man.

My wife finally decided that we are not emu farmers.  Thank God.  She contacted the previous owners, and told them she was going to be getting rid of them and offered them first rights to take them back at no charge.  To my utter fucking surprise, they agreed, and would be coming from Tennessee to Colorado to pick them up!  I wondered what level of Hatfield-vs-McCoys trouble these poor people must have gotten themselves into if they are willing to bring back the emus?

Around mid-day Sunday they arrived with their big ass truck and livestock trailer.  The wife got out of the driver's seat.  She's 5'0" and weighs about half an emu.  Her and my wife immediately started gabbing.  I kept looking at the truck, waiting for her husband to get out, and all the emu wranglers they had when they dropped them off.  I started to get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, so I interjected:

Me: "Hey, uh, so.... would you and your husband like some water?"

Emu Lady: "Oh, haha, you're so funny.  Its just me, and I have a bottle right here my hands!  My husband had a flag football game today."

I shot my wife an angry glare, but she wouldn't meet my eyes.  This should be fucking interesting.  We got my 13 year old son and headed down to the pen, while the emu lady backed her trailer up to the gate.  Her and my wife started to strategize.

Emu Lady: "I am sure they still recognize me.  Let me go in and lead them to the trailer."

They didn't recognize her.  Or if they did, it was as a food source.  She dashed out of the pen 5 seconds later, with some blood dripping from her fingers.

Emu Lady: "Wow, they've gotten fiesty!  Have you been feeding them?"

Wife:  "Oh yes, we love them and take very good care of them."

Me:  "Every day for 11 months now, with nary a contribution to the farm."

Emu Lady: "Ok, well maybe I can put some food in the trailer and that will get them in."

Nope.  If cat food and sunflower seeds were ever a motivator for these fucking wannabe dinosaurs, that was gone after they got a taste of human flesh.  My wife got some plastic temporary fencing, with the idea that she and the emu lady would stretch that out between them and try to use it as a net to guide the emus into the trailer.

Me: "I don't think that's going to work."

Wife:  "Fuck you, honey.  I don't see you helping."

The women made it about 3 steps into the pen.  The emus glanced at them, they both dropped their ends of the temp fence and bolted.

We all kind of stood there for a moment, not saying anything, then I noticed my wife and the emu lady looking at each other.  They seemed to exchange some sort of hidden communication, as if they were having a conversation telepathically.  I got that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach again.

Emu Lady:  "I wish my husband were here.  We'd be done by now."

Me: "Yep, but apparently he loves flag football more than you."

Wife: "Yeah, I think we need more help for this.  Real help."

Me: "We could always just cull them."

Emu Lady & my wife:  "NO!"

Wife:  "What would your husband do to help if he were here?"

Emu Lady: "He'd just grab them and hold them until I could get a rope around their neck and lead them into the trailer."

Me: "Its a real shame he's abandoned you in your hour of need."

My wife turned, stared at me intensely, and started speaking to me telepathically.  Look, you can either man up and help get these emus into this fucking trailer, or you can move into the fucking camper and say goodbye to our sex life.  And then I'll have to find someone else to take these goddammed emus, and when they get here to pick them up, you'll have to help wrangle them then anyway.  So go take your balls out of my purse, and show your son how a man handles a problem.

I glanced at my son, who has been standing there watching all this, trying to remain unnoticed.  He spoke to me telepathically: Dad, I thought more of you than this.  You were my hero, but you can't even get an overgrown chicken into a trailer.  I guess I'll just grow up to be gay.

"Fine. Get your rope, just be ready to get it on these emus, and when we've got them in the trailer, I want you to drive back to Tennessee and never come west of the Mississippi river again."

My son and wife beamed proudly while the emu lady got her rope.  We both entered the pen, and she stayed at the gate.  I decided I would take Eddie first.  He's the biggest of the four.  The alpha male, and the one that is the most aggressive.  I figured if I was going to die that day, I might as well get it over with.  I walked towards him.  As I got within about 10 yards, his hackles stood up, he turned to face me, extended his neck and started hissing.  I kept approaching, and he started walking towards me, kicking and hissing. I heard the whistling from the Good, the Bad & The Ugly theme somewhere in the distance.  He was at his full height, and towered over me and my 6'2" frame.  I had a moment to think oh jesus, fuck this, I'll sleep in the goddamn trailer when he started to charge.  He closed the gap in under a second.  Shit was going down whether I wanted to quit or not.

He lurched his neck downwards, pecking at my face, but I ducked under it, stepped into his feathered body and grabbed his fucking neck.  I pivoted to get alongside his body so that he couldn't kick forward at me.  I switched my grip on his neck to a headlock while I wrapped my other arm over his worthless wings to get a good hold on him.  I drove upwards out of my crouch, lifted his ass up off the ground and executed a perfect fucking suplex with that goddamned emu.  I quickly got on top of him to keep him pinned to the ground.

My wife screamed.  The emu lady stood there with her mouth agape.  "GET THE FUCK OVER HERE!!" I yelled.  She scrambled over, got the noose around Eddie's neck and tightened it.  "Ok, get some tension on him, and then on the count of 3, I am going to roll away and you need to pull his ass towards that trailer and away from me."

1...  2... 3...

I rolled away, and the emu lady did her part, keeping tension on Eddie so he couldn't re-engage me.  Then I took the rope from her and got him all the way in.  I stepped out through the trailer's front door, and met them back at the gate.  My wife had a look of dire concern on her face.  My son was beaming at me.

Wife: "Is Eddie alright?"

Emu lady: "I... think so?"

Me:  "Thanks, yeah, I'm fine."

Wife:  "I saw you trip and fall.  Lucky that it was right on top of Eddie!"

Me:  "I didn't trip and fall, that was a perfectly executed grappling maneuver."

Wife:  "Haha, you are so funny!  I hope Eddie isn't hurt...."

The women continue checking out Eddie in the trailer, trying to make sure he didn't break a feather.  Shrugging, I walked over to my son, who was still beaming at me.

Son:  "DAD!  That was literally the craziest, coolest thing I've ever seen!!!"

Me:  "Not bad for an old man, eh?  Now you know -- sometimes you have to be a little crazy when you are a man."

We finished with the other 3 emu, none of which were nearly as eventful.  I was able to just grab them and the emu lady was able to get a noose on them and lead them to the trailer herself.  Within 45 minutes, she was driving off, ridding our farm of those goddamn emus.  My wife made sure to reward me later that night.

The next morning at breakfast she wanted to talk.

Wife:  "I've been thinking about what we should do with that pen now that the emus are gone..."

Me:  "Yeah?  Like having some pigmy goats or something?"

Wife: "What do you think about... WATER BUFFALO?"

FUCK MY LIFE.

[Prepuce of Doom 20982]

Username almost checked out - glad you survived! 

[High Plains Drifter 10970]

12 hours ago, Goredho said:

Nope.  If cat food and sunflower seeds were ever a motivator for these fucking wannabe dinosaurs, that was gone after they got a taste of human flesh.

 

 

just one or two mutations in a couple of regulator genes away

 

[ztejas 43262]

12 hours ago, Goredho said:

A follow up to the above.  Tl;dr: the Emus are no more, man rules emus, and pussy rules man.

My wife finally decided that we are not emu farmers.  Thank God.  She contacted the previous owners, and told them she was going to be getting rid of them and offered them first rights to take them back at no charge.  To my utter fucking surprise, they agreed, and would be coming from Tennessee to Colorado to pick them up!  I wondered what level of Hatfield-vs-McCoys trouble these poor people must have gotten themselves into if they are willing to bring back the emus?

Around mid-day Sunday they arrived with their big ass truck and livestock trailer.  The wife got out of the driver's seat.  She's 5'0" and weighs about half an emu.  Her and my wife immediately started gabbing.  I kept looking at the truck, waiting for her husband to get out, and all the emu wranglers they had when they dropped them off.  I started to get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, so I interjected:

Me: "Hey, uh, so.... would you and your husband like some water?"

Emu Lady: "Oh, haha, you're so funny.  Its just me, and I have a bottle right here in my hands!  My husband had a flag football game today."

I shot my wife an angry glare, but she wouldn't meet my eyes.  This should be fucking interesting.  We got my 13 year old son and headed down to the pen, while the emu lady backed her trailer up to the gate.  Her and my wife started to strategize.

Emu Lady: "I am sure they still recognize me.  Let me go in and lead them to the trailer."

They didn't recognize her.  Or if they did, it was as a food source.  She dashed out of the pen 5 seconds later, with some blood dripping from her fingers.

Emu Lady: "Wow, they've gotten fiesty!  Have you been feeding them?"

Wife:  "Oh yes, we love them and take very good care of them."

Me:  "Every day for 11 months now, with nary a contribution to the farm."

Emu Lady: "Ok, well maybe I can put some food in the trailer and that will get them in."

Nope.  If cat food and sunflower seeds were ever a motivator for these fucking wannabe dinosaurs, that was gone after they got a taste of human flesh.  My wife got some plastic temporary fencing, with the idea that she and the emu lady would stretch that out between them and try to use it as a net to guide the emus into the trailer.

Me: "I don't think that's going to work."

Wife:  "Fuck you, honey.  I don't see you helping."

The women made it about 3 steps into the pen.  The emus glanced at them, they both dropped their ends of the temp fence and bolted.

We all kind of stood there for a moment, not saying anything, then I noticed my wife and the emu lady looking at each other.  They seemed to exchange some sort of hidden communication, as if they were having a conversation telepathically.  I got that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach again.

Emu Lady:  "I wish my husband were here.  We'd be done by now."

Me: "Yep, but apparently he loves flag football more than you."

Wife: "Yeah, I think we need more help for this.  Real help."

Me: "We could always just cull them."

Emu Lady & my wife:  "NO!"

Wife:  "What would your husband do to help if he were here?"

Emu Lady: "He'd just grab them and hold them until I could get a rope around their neck and lead them into the trailer."

Me: "Its a real shame he's abandoned you in your hour of need."

My wife turned, stared at me intensely, and started speaking to me telepathically.  Look, you can either man up and help get these emus into this fucking trailer, or you can move into the fucking camper and say goodbye to our sex life.  And then I'll have to find someone else to take these goddammed emus, and when they get here to pick them up, you'll have to help wrangle them then anyway.  So go take your balls out of my purse, and show your son how a man handles a problem.

I glanced at my son, who had been standing there watching all this, trying to remain unnoticed.  He spoke to me telepathically: Dad, I thought more of you than this.  You were my hero, but you can't even get an overgrown chicken into a trailer.  I guess I'll just grow up to be gay.

"Fine. Get your rope, just be ready to get it on these emus, and when we've got them in the trailer, I want you to drive back to Tennessee and never come west of the Mississippi river again."

My son and wife beamed proudly while the emu lady got her rope.  We both entered the pen, and she stayed at the gate.  I decided I would take Eddie first.  He's the biggest of the four.  The alpha male, and the one that is the most aggressive.  I figured if I was going to die that day, I might as well get it over with.  I walked towards him.  As I got within about 10 yards, his hackles stood up, he turned to face me, extended his neck and started hissing.  I kept approaching, and he started walking towards me, kicking and hissing. I heard the whistling from the Good, the Bad & The Ugly theme somewhere in the distance.  He was at his full height, and towered over me and my 6'2" frame.  I had a moment to think oh jesus, fuck this, I'll sleep in the goddamn trailer when he started to charge.  He closed the gap in under a second.  Shit was going down whether I wanted to quit or not.

He lurched his neck downwards, pecking at my face, but I ducked under it, stepped into his feathered body and grabbed his fucking neck.  I pivoted to get alongside his body so that he couldn't kick forward at me.  I switched my grip on his neck to a headlock while I wrapped my other arm over his worthless wings to get a good hold on him.  I drove upwards out of my crouch, lifted his ass up off the ground and executed a perfect fucking suplex with that goddamned emu.  I quickly got on top of him to keep him pinned to the ground.

My wife screamed.  The emu lady stood there with her mouth agape.  "GET THE FUCK OVER HERE!!" I yelled.  She scrambled over, got the noose around Eddie's neck and tightened it.  "Ok, get some tension on him, and then on the count of 3, I am going to roll away and you need to pull his ass towards that trailer and away from me."

1...  2... 3...

I rolled away, and the emu lady did her part, keeping tension on Eddie so he couldn't re-engage me.  Then I took the rope from her and got him all the way in.  I stepped out through the trailer's front door, and met them back at the gate.  My wife had a look of dire concern on her face.  My son was beaming at me.

Wife: "Is Eddie alright?"

Emu lady: "I... think so?"

Me:  "Thanks, yeah, I'm fine."

Wife:  "I saw you trip and fall.  Lucky that it was right on top of Eddie!"

Me:  "I didn't trip and fall, that was a perfectly executed grappling maneuver."

Wife:  "Haha, you are so funny!  I hope Eddie isn't hurt...."

The women continue checking out Eddie in the trailer, trying to make sure he didn't break a feather.  Shrugging, I walked over to my son, who was still beaming at me.

Son:  "DAD!  That was literally the craziest, coolest thing I've ever seen!!!"

Me:  "Not bad for an old man, eh?  Now you know -- sometimes you have to be a little crazy when you are a man."

We finished with the other 3 emu, none of which were nearly as eventful.  I was able to just grab them and the emu lady was able to get a noose on them and lead them to the trailer herself.  Within 45 minutes, she was driving off, ridding our farm of those goddamn emus.  My wife made sure to reward me later that night.

The next morning at breakfast she wanted to talk.

Wife:  "I've been thinking about what we should do with that pen now that the emus are gone..."

Me:  "Yeah?  Like having some pigmy goats or something?"

Wife: "Haha, you are so funny!  What do you think about... WATER BUFFALO?"

FUCK MY LIFE.

This isn't the way your wife told me this story. 

[Elvis 3356]

[Blotto 23424]

Its on the internet, it must be real. At least this conquering hero is receiving what looks to be cutting-edge cardboard splint technology. 

[Prepuce of Doom 20982]

I pictured Kevin looking different than that. 

[HenryJames 65884]

 

[Nivek 16843]

I pictured Kevin looking different than that. 

[Nivek 16843]

I’m the guy in the sunglasses. I also play baseball but hit like shit.

[BrickTop 474]

A follow up to the above.  Tl;dr: the Emus are no more, man rules emus, and pussy rules man.
My wife finally decided that we are not emu farmers.  Thank God.  She contacted the previous owners, and told them she was going to be getting rid of them and offered them first rights to take them back at no charge.  To my utter fucking surprise, they agreed, and would be coming from Tennessee to Colorado to pick them up!  I wondered what level of Hatfield-vs-McCoys trouble these poor people must have gotten themselves into if they are willing to bring back the emus?
Around mid-day Sunday they arrived with their big ass truck and livestock trailer.  The wife got out of the driver's seat.  She's 5'0" and weighs about half an emu.  Her and my wife immediately started gabbing.  I kept looking at the truck, waiting for her husband to get out, and all the emu wranglers they had when they dropped them off.  I started to get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, so I interjected:
Me: "Hey, uh, so.... would you and your husband like some water?"
Emu Lady: "Oh, haha, you're so funny.  Its just me, and I have a bottle right here in my hands!  My husband had a flag football game today."
I shot my wife an angry glare, but she wouldn't meet my eyes.  This should be fucking interesting.  We got my 13 year old son and headed down to the pen, while the emu lady backed her trailer up to the gate.  Her and my wife started to strategize.
Emu Lady: "I am sure they still recognize me.  Let me go in and lead them to the trailer."
They didn't recognize her.  Or if they did, it was as a food source.  She dashed out of the pen 5 seconds later, with some blood dripping from her fingers.
Emu Lady: "Wow, they've gotten fiesty!  Have you been feeding them?"
Wife:  "Oh yes, we love them and take very good care of them."
Me:  "Every day for 11 months now, with nary a contribution to the farm."
Emu Lady: "Ok, well maybe I can put some food in the trailer and that will get them in."
Nope.  If cat food and sunflower seeds were ever a motivator for these fucking wannabe dinosaurs, that was gone after they got a taste of human flesh.  My wife got some plastic temporary fencing, with the idea that she and the emu lady would stretch that out between them and try to use it as a net to guide the emus into the trailer.
Me: "I don't think that's going to work."
Wife:  "Fuck you, honey.  I don't see you helping."
The women made it about 3 steps into the pen.  The emus glanced at them, they both dropped their ends of the temp fence and bolted.
We all kind of stood there for a moment, not saying anything, then I noticed my wife and the emu lady looking at each other.  They seemed to exchange some sort of hidden communication, as if they were having a conversation telepathically.  I got that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach again.
Emu Lady:  "I wish my husband were here.  We'd be done by now."
Me: "Yep, but apparently he loves flag football more than you."
Wife: "Yeah, I think we need more help for this.  Real help."
Me: "We could always just cull them."
Emu Lady & my wife:  "NO!"
Wife:  "What would your husband do to help if he were here?"
Emu Lady: "He'd just grab them and hold them until I could get a rope around their neck and lead them into the trailer."
Me: "Its a real shame he's abandoned you in your hour of need."
My wife turned, stared at me intensely, and started speaking to me telepathically.  Look, you can either man up and help get these emus into this fucking trailer, or you can move into the fucking camper and say goodbye to our sex life.  And then I'll have to find someone else to take these goddammed emus, and when they get here to pick them up, you'll have to help wrangle them then anyway.  So go take your balls out of my purse, and show your son how a man handles a problem.
I glanced at my son, who had been standing there watching all this, trying to remain unnoticed.  He spoke to me telepathically: Dad, I thought more of you than this.  You were my hero, but you can't even get an overgrown chicken into a trailer.  I guess I'll just grow up to be gay.
"Fine. Get your rope, just be ready to get it on these emus, and when we've got them in the trailer, I want you to drive back to Tennessee and never come west of the Mississippi river again."
My son and wife beamed proudly while the emu lady got her rope.  We both entered the pen, and she stayed at the gate.  I decided I would take Eddie first.  He's the biggest of the four.  The alpha male, and the one that is the most aggressive.  I figured if I was going to die that day, I might as well get it over with.  I walked towards him.  As I got within about 10 yards, his hackles stood up, he turned to face me, extended his neck and started hissing.  I kept approaching, and he started walking towards me, kicking and hissing. I heard the whistling from the Good, the Bad & The Ugly theme somewhere in the distance.  He was at his full height, and towered over me and my 6'2" frame.  I had a moment to think oh jesus, fuck this, I'll sleep in the goddamn trailer when he started to charge.  He closed the gap in under a second.  Shit was going down whether I wanted to quit or not.
He lurched his neck downwards, pecking at my face, but I ducked under it, stepped into his feathered body and grabbed his fucking neck.  I pivoted to get alongside his body so that he couldn't kick forward at me.  I switched my grip on his neck to a headlock while I wrapped my other arm over his worthless wings to get a good hold on him.  I drove upwards out of my crouch, lifted his ass up off the ground and executed a perfect fucking suplex with that goddamned emu.  I quickly got on top of him to keep him pinned to the ground.
My wife screamed.  The emu lady stood there with her mouth agape.  "GET THE FUCK OVER HERE!!" I yelled.  She scrambled over, got the noose around Eddie's neck and tightened it.  "Ok, get some tension on him, and then on the count of 3, I am going to roll away and you need to pull his ass towards that trailer and away from me."
1...  2... 3...
I rolled away, and the emu lady did her part, keeping tension on Eddie so he couldn't re-engage me.  Then I took the rope from her and got him all the way in.  I stepped out through the trailer's front door, and met them back at the gate.  My wife had a look of dire concern on her face.  My son was beaming at me.
Wife: "Is Eddie alright?"
Emu lady: "I... think so?"
Me:  "Thanks, yeah, I'm fine."
Wife:  "I saw you trip and fall.  Lucky that it was right on top of Eddie!"
Me:  "I didn't trip and fall, that was a perfectly executed grappling maneuver."
Wife:  "Haha, you are so funny!  I hope Eddie isn't hurt...."
The women continue checking out Eddie in the trailer, trying to make sure he didn't break a feather.  Shrugging, I walked over to my son, who was still beaming at me.
Son:  "DAD!  That was literally the craziest, coolest thing I've ever seen!!!"
Me:  "Not bad for an old man, eh?  Now you know -- sometimes you have to be a little crazy when you are a man."

We finished with the other 3 emu, none of which were nearly as eventful.  I was able to just grab them and the emu lady was able to get a noose on them and lead them to the trailer herself.  Within 45 minutes, she was driving off, ridding our farm of those goddamn emus.  My wife made sure to reward me later that night.
The next morning at breakfast she wanted to talk.
Wife:  "I've been thinking about what we should do with that pen now that the emus are gone..."
Me:  "Yeah?  Like having some pigmy goats or something?"
Wife: "Haha, you are so funny!  What do you think about... WATER BUFFALO?"
FUCK MY LIFE.

Haven’t laughed this hard in years

[Goredho 17341]

9 minutes ago, BrickTop said:

Haven’t laughed this hard in years

[Superhero 8762]

19 hours ago, BrickTop said:

Haven’t laughed this hard in years

I must have TLDRed it the first time. But this is truly a masterpiece. The reader gains insight of the protagonist and his family through his inner dialogue and his interpretation of their familiar but unspoken looks.

Whereas this reporter only knew of Goredho as a collector, player and occasional reviewer of guitars and amps. He will be viewed in a new light as also a not-nearly-Nobel laureate, but potential contributor to his town’s monthly newspapers, with his columns behind the obituaries and seeking-connections personal ads. 

Brave Goredho. Bravo. 

[Deej 76524]

1 hour ago, Superhero said:

I must have TLDRed it the first time. But this is truly a masterpiece. The reader gains insight of the protagonist and his family through his inner dialogue and his interpretation of their familiar but unspoken looks.

Whereas this reporter only knew of Goredho as a collector, player and occasional reviewer of guitars and amps. He will be viewed in a new light as also a not-nearly-Nobel laureate, but potential contributor to his town’s monthly newspapers, with his columns behind the obituaries and seeking-connections personal ads. 

Brave Goredho. Bravo. 

If Goredho had his wits about him, he would have dragged his Telecaster out and beaten those fucking birds over their heads with it. 

[Kennythetiger 9334]

If he wasn’t so fucking selfish he would have asked his kid to film it for us. With the camera sideways. 

[Goredho 17341]

5 hours ago, Superhero said:

I must have TLDRed it the first time. But this is truly a masterpiece. The reader gains insight of the protagonist and his family through his inner dialogue and his interpretation of their familiar but unspoken looks.

Whereas this reporter only knew of Goredho as a collector, player and occasional reviewer of guitars and amps. He will be viewed in a new light as also a not-nearly-Nobel laureate, but potential contributor to his town’s monthly newspapers, with his columns behind the obituaries and seeking-connections personal ads. 

Brave Goredho. Bravo. 

Alright, you can write my book’s forward.  Thanks.

[HenryJames 65884]

[General Specific 3231]

Well now, at least they ask now!!!1!

[Nivek 16843]

OK, I got the passenger pigeon, tortoise, and dodo bird, and the pterodactyl.    I am not sure about the seal unless I get a little crazy.

[nnm 36041]

On 10/12/2021 at 9:51 AM, Goredho said:

A follow up to the above.  Tl;dr: the Emus are no more, man rules emus, and pussy rules man.

My wife finally decided that we are not emu farmers.  Thank God.  She contacted the previous owners, and told them she was going to be getting rid of them and offered them first rights to take them back at no charge.  To my utter fucking surprise, they agreed, and would be coming from Tennessee to Colorado to pick them up!  I wondered what level of Hatfield-vs-McCoys trouble these poor people must have gotten themselves into if they are willing to bring back the emus?

Around mid-day Sunday they arrived with their big ass truck and livestock trailer.  The wife got out of the driver's seat.  She's 5'0" and weighs about half an emu.  Her and my wife immediately started gabbing.  I kept looking at the truck, waiting for her husband to get out, and all the emu wranglers they had when they dropped them off.  I started to get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, so I interjected:

Me: "Hey, uh, so.... would you and your husband like some water?"

Emu Lady: "Oh, haha, you're so funny.  Its just me, and I have a bottle right here in my hands!  My husband had a flag football game today."

I shot my wife an angry glare, but she wouldn't meet my eyes.  This should be fucking interesting.  We got my 13 year old son and headed down to the pen, while the emu lady backed her trailer up to the gate.  Her and my wife started to strategize.

Emu Lady: "I am sure they still recognize me.  Let me go in and lead them to the trailer."

They didn't recognize her.  Or if they did, it was as a food source.  She dashed out of the pen 5 seconds later, with some blood dripping from her fingers.

Emu Lady: "Wow, they've gotten fiesty!  Have you been feeding them?"

Wife:  "Oh yes, we love them and take very good care of them."

Me:  "Every day for 11 months now, with nary a contribution to the farm."

Emu Lady: "Ok, well maybe I can put some food in the trailer and that will get them in."

Nope.  If cat food and sunflower seeds were ever a motivator for these fucking wannabe dinosaurs, that was gone after they got a taste of human flesh.  My wife got some plastic temporary fencing, with the idea that she and the emu lady would stretch that out between them and try to use it as a net to guide the emus into the trailer.

Me: "I don't think that's going to work."

Wife:  "Fuck you, honey.  I don't see you helping."

The women made it about 3 steps into the pen.  The emus glanced at them, they both dropped their ends of the temp fence and bolted.

We all kind of stood there for a moment, not saying anything, then I noticed my wife and the emu lady looking at each other.  They seemed to exchange some sort of hidden communication, as if they were having a conversation telepathically.  I got that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach again.

Emu Lady:  "I wish my husband were here.  We'd be done by now."

Me: "Yep, but apparently he loves flag football more than you."

Wife: "Yeah, I think we need more help for this.  Real help."

Me: "We could always just cull them."

Emu Lady & my wife:  "NO!"

Wife:  "What would your husband do to help if he were here?"

Emu Lady: "He'd just grab them and hold them until I could get a rope around their neck and lead them into the trailer."

Me: "Its a real shame he's abandoned you in your hour of need."

My wife turned, stared at me intensely, and started speaking to me telepathically.  Look, you can either man up and help get these emus into this fucking trailer, or you can move into the fucking camper and say goodbye to our sex life.  And then I'll have to find someone else to take these goddammed emus, and when they get here to pick them up, you'll have to help wrangle them then anyway.  So go take your balls out of my purse, and show your son how a man handles a problem.

I glanced at my son, who had been standing there watching all this, trying to remain unnoticed.  He spoke to me telepathically: Dad, I thought more of you than this.  You were my hero, but you can't even get an overgrown chicken into a trailer.  I guess I'll just grow up to be gay.

"Fine. Get your rope, just be ready to get it on these emus, and when we've got them in the trailer, I want you to drive back to Tennessee and never come west of the Mississippi river again."

My son and wife beamed proudly while the emu lady got her rope.  We both entered the pen, and she stayed at the gate.  I decided I would take Eddie first.  He's the biggest of the four.  The alpha male, and the one that is the most aggressive.  I figured if I was going to die that day, I might as well get it over with.  I walked towards him.  As I got within about 10 yards, his hackles stood up, he turned to face me, extended his neck and started hissing.  I kept approaching, and he started walking towards me, kicking and hissing. I heard the whistling from the Good, the Bad & The Ugly theme somewhere in the distance.  He was at his full height, and towered over me and my 6'2" frame.  I had a moment to think oh jesus, fuck this, I'll sleep in the goddamn trailer when he started to charge.  He closed the gap in under a second.  Shit was going down whether I wanted to quit or not.

He lurched his neck downwards, pecking at my face, but I ducked under it, stepped into his feathered body and grabbed his fucking neck.  I pivoted to get alongside his body so that he couldn't kick forward at me.  I switched my grip on his neck to a headlock while I wrapped my other arm over his worthless wings to get a good hold on him.  I drove upwards out of my crouch, lifted his ass up off the ground and executed a perfect fucking suplex with that goddamned emu.  I quickly got on top of him to keep him pinned to the ground.

My wife screamed.  The emu lady stood there with her mouth agape.  "GET THE FUCK OVER HERE!!" I yelled.  She scrambled over, got the noose around Eddie's neck and tightened it.  "Ok, get some tension on him, and then on the count of 3, I am going to roll away and you need to pull his ass towards that trailer and away from me."

1...  2... 3...

I rolled away, and the emu lady did her part, keeping tension on Eddie so he couldn't re-engage me.  Then I took the rope from her and got him all the way in.  I stepped out through the trailer's front door, and met them back at the gate.  My wife had a look of dire concern on her face.  My son was beaming at me.

Wife: "Is Eddie alright?"

Emu lady: "I... think so?"

Me:  "Thanks, yeah, I'm fine."

Wife:  "I saw you trip and fall.  Lucky that it was right on top of Eddie!"

Me:  "I didn't trip and fall, that was a perfectly executed grappling maneuver."

Wife:  "Haha, you are so funny!  I hope Eddie isn't hurt...."

The women continue checking out Eddie in the trailer, trying to make sure he didn't break a feather.  Shrugging, I walked over to my son, who was still beaming at me.

Son:  "DAD!  That was literally the craziest, coolest thing I've ever seen!!!"

Me:  "Not bad for an old man, eh?  Now you know -- sometimes you have to be a little crazy when you are a man."

We finished with the other 3 emu, none of which were nearly as eventful.  I was able to just grab them and the emu lady was able to get a noose on them and lead them to the trailer herself.  Within 45 minutes, she was driving off, ridding our farm of those goddamn emus.  My wife made sure to reward me later that night.

The next morning at breakfast she wanted to talk.

Wife:  "I've been thinking about what we should do with that pen now that the emus are gone..."

Me:  "Yeah?  Like having some pigmy goats or something?"

Wife: "Haha, you are so funny!  What do you think about... WATER BUFFALO?"

FUCK MY LIFE.

@Goredho, did you lose an emu in Houston?

https://www.chron.com/news/houston-texas/article/Escaped-emu-stops-traffic-in-Houston-gets-chased-17307877.php

[ButtFumble 5158]

[Elvis 3356]

Albino monkey headlock punch is a good band name

[Goredho 17341]

9 hours ago, nnm said:

@Goredho, did you lose an emu in Houston?

https://www.chron.com/news/houston-texas/article/Escaped-

9 hours ago, nnm said:

@Goredho, did you lose an emu in Houston?

https://www.chron.com/news/houston-texas/article/Escaped-emu-stops-traffic-in-Houston-gets-chased-17307877.php

emu-stops-traffic-in-Houston-gets-chased-17307877.php

No, but I am terrified Eddie escaped from his new home and is eating his way back to us to settle things once and for all.

[Prepuce of Doom 20982]

Even Kevin thinks this dude's list is laughable. 

 

[closetohumping 17386]

12 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Even Kevin thinks this dude's list is laughable. 

 

Honey badgers would fuck any human up.  They don't give a fuck.

[Pig Bellmont 8691]

Fair fight with a kangaroo? lol nope. Fuck that

[dbagg 86]

[Buzzrock 14870]

I went back to the beginning of this thread. I forgot how fucking epically funny it is.

And after looking on YouTube I think I could take a swan without taking too much damage.

[nnm 36041]

On 7/27/2022 at 2:39 PM, dbagg said:

The full video is fun to watch.  Dog and human are lucky Roo didn't use those back legs to rip their guts out.

 

[Nivek 16843]

Even Kevin thinks this dude's list is laughable. 
 

List is garbage. A Roo is a much tougher fight than a wolf.

Ostrich ain’t shit either, that stupid long neck would guarantee I was eating ostrich steaks later.

[Prepuce of Doom 20982]

[Kennythetiger 9334]

Armadillo and walrus need to switch places. 
You might kick the armadillo in the face, but not before he gives you leprosy. Walrus- poke out that fatty’s eyes with a long stick and wait for him to accidentally hop his fat ass off a cliff. 

[Chewbacca 7729]

On 7/26/2022 at 7:51 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

Even Kevin thinks this dude's list is laughable. 

 

A fucking honeybadger is on the fair fight list?  Lulz.

[Prepuce of Doom 20982]

And platypus venom is resistant to morphine and will put you in severe pain for a month. 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Platypus_venom

[BabaYaga 15205]

Put that trash panda higher.  Little fuckers are mean

[nnm 36041]

5 minutes ago, Chewbacca said:

A fucking honeybadger is on the fair fight list?  Lulz.

 

[nnm 36041]

2 hours ago, Nivek said:

Ostrich ain’t shit either, that stupid long neck would guarantee I was eating ostrich steaks later.

 

[Paco 1926]

List is garbage. A Roo is a much tougher fight than a wolf.

Ostrich ain’t shit either, that stupid long neck would guarantee I was eating ostrich steaks later.

On a field trip to the YO ranch they told us the only animal they had that killed anyone was the ostrich. Kicked a ranch hand and broke his pelvis. Of course the ranch hand was not named Kevin.

[Kennythetiger 9334]

He died from a broken pelvis?  

[NYTransplant 143]

On 8/1/2022 at 3:51 PM, Chewbacca said:

A fucking honeybadger is on the fair fight list?  Lulz.

I've seen the honeybadger videos, and I'd laugh my ass off when HB gets the guy by the nuts. Queue the Benny Hill soundtrack . . .

[gsoda3 3234]

fox and raccoon are underrated.

[closetohumping 17386]

2 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

He died from a broken pelvis?  

He fractured his coccyx

[Celery Man 20881]

my assumption is that I might be able to kill a raccoon but I would die of some devil infection shortly after.

for whatever reason my wife's nightmare animal is an alligator. We have a longstanding argument over if it would be worse to spend a day in a zoo enclosure with a bear or an alligator. I don't think at all that I'm going to go all crocodile dundee on a large gator by any means, but I feel like if the enclosure was sufficiently large, I could just kinda keep an eye on it and be fine. If there was a couch and an xbox on the non swampy side of the enclosure I think I could even enjoy it.

[SimonBolivar 10910]

On 8/11/2021 at 9:39 PM, conVINCEd said:

A little difference between a chimp and a silverback, which is the only primate I can think of that weighs 600 pounds.

[closetohumping 17386]

58 minutes ago, Celery Man said:

my assumption is that I might be able to kill a raccoon but I would die of some devil infection shortly after.

for whatever reason my wife's nightmare animal is an alligator. We have a longstanding argument over if it would be worse to spend a day in a zoo enclosure with a bear or an alligator. I don't think at all that I'm going to go all crocodile dundee on a large gator by any means, but I feel like if the enclosure was sufficiently large, I could just kinda keep an eye on it and be fine. If there was a couch and an xbox on the non swampy side of the enclosure I think I could even enjoy it.

Both will kill you whenever they want.  Since gators can't climb, I'd probably rather go against them. 

[Chewbacca 7729]

4 hours ago, NYTransplant said:

I've seen the honeybadger videos, and I'd laugh my ass off when HB gets the guy by the nuts. Queue the Benny Hill soundtrack . . .

Fucking lions won't mess with honeybadgers.  But this guy's got it...

[closetohumping 17386]

2 hours ago, Celery Man said:

my assumption is that I might be able to kill a raccoon but I would die of some devil infection shortly after.

 

Gotta be strategic.  If you're able to get the raccoon from behind and choke it out, ball game.  Grab it by it's tail and swing it around causing nausea?  Yes.  Are we wearing protective clothing or is this like an MMA bout where we are all in our skivvies?  If it's that, then the raccoon will absolutely do some damage.