22% of men (incl. Kevin) don't realize that a chimp would fucking wreck them

[Celery Man 21094]

1 hour ago, closetohumping said:

Both will kill you whenever they want.  Since gators can't climb, I'd probably rather go against them. 

my feeling is that a gator isn't all that interested in killing you and is unlikely to get that pissed off if you just stay the fuck away from where it's trying to be

bears, maybe a tad of the same deal but much more mobile and much more likely to decide they don't want you around. I can't remember if we specified black bear, grizzly, what have you but that would certainly make a difference.

[gsoda3 3362]

if we get to choose what type of bear i'm going paddington

[Prepuce of Doom 21285]

20 minutes ago, gsoda3 said:

if we get to choose what type of bear i'm going gummi

Fify

[Paco 1960]

He died from a broken pelvis?  

They didn't share the autopsy report on this particular field trip.

[HenryJames 67322]

 

[General Specific 3507]

 

Kevin by chance?

[Kennythetiger 9618]

1936 is longer than I would have thought. 

[YGIFS 19458]

6 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

1936 is longer than I would have thought. 

Well, it was a leap year.

[Ignatius 4136]

1 hour ago, Kennythetiger said:

1936 is longer than I would have thought. 

That’s just the last time it was reported…kangaroos get away with murder down there.

[nnm 37894]

 

[Prepuce of Doom 21285]

 

[closetohumping 17803]

[956 Worldwide 35589]

On 8/1/2022 at 10:51 PM, Chewbacca said:

A fucking honeybadger is on the fair fight list?  Lulz.

You have a huge size advantage on the honey badger, they don’t get bigger than 35 pounds or so.  Your only hope is kicking and stomping to death. But if it gets your balls, that’s it. Using your hands outs your face, stomach, throat in biting and scratching range (this is a problem in any “choke them out” strategy. 
 

I’d still take the honey badger. 
 

I think one thing to remember is even big predators get seriously injured by prey on the regular, and they literally make their living killing animals with no weapons. And they always go for the slow, young, and weak. Animals will fuck you up. There’s nothing on that list that isn’t going to make me hurt for a long time, even if I win. 

[TexArcher 39037]

13 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

I’d still take the honey badger. 

Honey badger by ripping out your femoral artery, 0:32 of Rd 1.

[TheStoicPaisano 9953]

Big, if true.

 

[nnm 37894]

2 hours ago, TheStoicPaisano said:

Big, if true.

 

I can take him.

--Kevin

[UpperWestside 6268]

On 12/5/2022 at 1:27 AM, 956 Worldwide said:

You have a huge size advantage on the honey badger, they don’t get bigger than 35 pounds or so.  Your only hope is kicking and stomping to death. But if it gets your balls, that’s it. Using your hands outs your face, stomach, throat in biting and scratching range (this is a problem in any “choke them out” strategy. 
 

I’d still take the honey badger. 
 

I remember sitting in a general store one time and I am talking to the guy who owns the place about badgers. He tells me a story about seeing a big dust cloud a good bit away from the place one time so he pulls out his binoculars to see if he can figure out what’s happening. It was a badger going buckwild on an animal. There are two animals I would really not like to have to run across in the open. One is a moose and the other is a pissed off badger. 

[TwiceHorn 32071]

6 hours ago, UpperWestside said:

I remember sitting in a general store one time and I am talking to the guy who owns the place about badgers. He tells me a story about seeing a big dust cloud a good bit away from the place one time so he pulls out his binoculars to see if he can figure out what’s happening. It was a badger going buckwild on an animal. There are two animals I would really not like to have to run across in the open. One is a moose and the other is a pissed off badger. 

On a related note:

 

[UpperWestside 6268]

19 hours ago, TwiceHorn said:

On a related note:

 

I mean there are real people in this world that would see a wolverine or badger and think they’d walk away from the fight the winner. You could put the best UFC fighter in a ring with one of them and they’d be carried out in a body bag within a minute.
 

That wolverine just nonchalantly walks around with a goat head! He literally ripped that goat to shreds and took off with the head like he’s prime Mike Tyson and that’s just Tuesday to that beast. 

[Nivek 17405]

7 hours ago, UpperWestside said:

I mean there are real people in this world that would see a wolverine or badger and think they’d walk away from the fight the winner. You could put the best UFC fighter in a ring with one of them and they’d be carried out in a body bag within a minute.
 

That wolverine just nonchalantly walks around with a goat head! He literally ripped that goat to shreds and took off with the head like he’s prime Mike Tyson and that’s just Tuesday to that beast. 

Meh,  wolverines are scavengers.  Just because it walked around with a body part doesn't mean it killed and took the prey down.  

Stomp that bitch.  Its teeth and claws will make for an excellent necklace.   There is a reason man is a mass extinction machine.  

[YGIFS 19458]

^
no, we are a mass extinction machine because you keep shitting TB into the fresh water table.  Sickie

i saw a mongoose fight a cobra once.  I don’t know why I thought the cobra would snap at it lightning quick and let the venom do it’s thing.  But the mongoose beat and whipped it around to near comatose. Then while cobra was still barely alive, he ripped its head off along with two feet of innards and slowly ate it.  They’re deceptively quick too for such an awkward Body type

[Pods 7637]

3 hours ago, Nivek said:

There is a reason man is a mass extinction machine.  

Yes, there is. Weapons.

We're soft and squishy with shitty teeth, piss poor jaw strength and useless nails instead of claws.

We didn't become murder incorporated until we invented spears and the atlatl. 

 

On 1/15/2023 at 11:58 PM, UpperWestside said:

I remember sitting in a general store one time and I am talking to the guy who owns the place about badgers. He tells me a story about seeing a big dust cloud a good bit away from the place one time so he pulls out his binoculars to see if he can figure out what’s happening. It was a badger going buckwild on an animal. There are two animals I would really not like to have to run across in the open. One is a moose and the other is a pissed off badger. 

Can vouch for this. I was chased by both camping when I was 13. I ran like a bitch from both and would do it again. 

My sister and I accidentally got between a female moose and it's calf. Not even anywhere close to either one, just accidentally somewhat between them. Mama didn't take kindly and immediately charged us. We ran as fast as we could back to camp, dodging trees as quickly as we could. The moose didn't dodge shit, just ran right through them. It was fucking terrifying hearing it smashing through the trees and rapidly gaining on us. Fortunately, my grandma had a very loyal boxer that heard us from camp and saved our asses. She came hauling ass towards us right as we exited the tree line and flipped the tables on the moose. The moose turned tail and ran, pursued by the dog. Dog came back about 30 minutes later proud as she could be and got some steak for dinner. I still miss that dog. 

One of my cousins got chased back to their truck by a bull moose around the same time. Cousin lept into the truck bed and had to climb into the cab through the back window. While they attempted to climb into the cab, the moose repeatedly charged and rammed their truck. The truck got fucked up pretty good before they could get it started and drive off. 

I've also had interactions with moose that were completely chill. Moose are either totally cool, or psychotic and the switch between them flips easily and somewhat arbitrarily. 

The badger was me and a buddy being stupid bored 13 year olds throwing rocks into a hole. Come to find out, a badger lived there. The badger came out fucking pissed and took off after us. We had to climb onto some nearby boulders and wait almost an hour for it to stop circling around the base of the bolder hissing and growling at us. 

[Nivek 17405]

7 hours ago, YGIFS said:

^
no, we are a mass extinction machine because you keep shitting TB into the fresh water table.  Sickie

i saw a mongoose fight a cobra once.  I don’t know why I thought the cobra would snap at it lightning quick and let the venom do it’s thing.  But the mongoose beat and whipped it around to near comatose. Then while cobra was still barely alive, he ripped its head off along with two feet of innards and slowly ate it.  They’re deceptively quick too for such an awkward Body type

Obviously, you are not a real 80s kid who read GI Joe comics, otherwise, you would have known that their passphrase was "the mongoose must die."  

Other rodents throw sand in the faces/eyes of snakes.  

[Celery Man 21094]

On 1/16/2023 at 1:58 AM, UpperWestside said:

There are two animals I would really not like to have to run across in the open. One is a moose and the other is a pissed off badger. 

For me it’s the velociraptor. And the thing is, there’s never just 1.

[Deej 77804]

7 hours ago, YGIFS said:

They’re deceptively quick too for such an awkward Body type

 

[Nivek 17405]

2 hours ago, Pods said:

Yes, there is. Weapons.

We're soft and squishy with shitty teeth, piss poor jaw strength and useless nails instead of claws.

We didn't become murder incorporated until we invented spears and the atlatl. 

 

We don't need razor teeth claws because we have opposing thumbs and can let the rock take the damage instead of our teeth/jaws/fingers.   Our social, brain, and dexterity combo paved the way for dominance.  We are still animals and not helpless.  

 

Badger was caught by a man barehanded.    

 

[Pods 7637]

7 hours ago, Celery Man said:

For me it’s the velociraptor. And the thing is, there’s never just 1.

Warning, long detour ahead...

Velociraptors were actually Mongolian and the size of a big turkey with a long, stiff tail. 

 

 

Velociraptors in Jurassic Park were based on Deinonychus, which lived in Montana and was a little over 4 feet tall. After Jurassic Park came out, Utah's state paleontologist and some colleagues discovered a dromaeosaurid in Utah that's much closer to the dimensions of the one in Jurassic Park and named it Utahraptor. 

 

 

Pack hunting is actually a really complicated behavior to try to study. There is very little evidence for pack hunting in any dinosaurs, including Dromaeosaurids. It's mostly based on a specimen from Montana of a plant eating dinosaur (Tenontosaurus) with several dead Deinonychus preserved around it. Some paleontologists have interpreted this as evidence of them all being killed in the act of cooperatively hunting, but there are other plausible explanations, so it's unfortunately not much to go on. There is zero direct evidence for the behavior in Velociraptors. That doesn't mean they didn't do the behavior, but it's extremely unlikely to fossilize, and difficult to interpret even if it did fossilize. Fossilization is a very rare process that almost never preserves behavior. There is unfortunately a huge amount of ambiguity for how to interpret the small amount of data we do have. 

With no solid direct data, the next best thing is a technique called Extant Phylogenetic Bracketing. Basically look at what the closest still living relatives do and try to bracket the behavior with data from more ancestral and more derived relatives. If you see the behavior widespread in living relatives, you can make assumptions the fossil animal may have done that behavior too. It's usually a pretty clean method and easy to interpret, but not here. 

Pack/cooperative hunting is extraordinarily rare in modern predatory birds, which are the closest relatives, having evolved directly from non-avian predatory dinosaurs. As of the last time I checked, it had only been plausibly reported once in a single species of hawk in a desert environment with scarce resources. It's possible it's been documented more since, but it's clear birds of prey almost always hunt solo. Another problem is this may or may not even be informative, because almost all predatory birds hunt aerially and only some dinosaurs did this. Most of them were terrestrial hunters, so it's plausible the behavior could differ from modern predatory birds. There are a few terrestrial predatory birds and they hunt solo, but it's an uncomfortably small sample size to draw big conclusions from. 

Crocodylians may hunt with a bunch of other crocs nearby, but they don't cooperatively hunt, though they may communally feed once one of them brings down prey. More recent studies suggest turtles are also close relatives, though more distant than crocs and birds. Turtles don't cooperatively hunt. Just like with birds, this behavior may also not be informative, because they are almost all primarily aquatic creatures, while most dinosaurs were terrestrial. 

All other archosaurs are dead, so we can't get any observational behavioral data for them without a time machine. 

We do know from trackways and mass death sights that plant eaters often moved in herds, so a lot of paleontologists think it is plausible some of the predators may have hunted in packs, especially given how dangerous some of the potential prey could be in a large herd. However, we don't have any actual evidence for it and the Extant Phylogenetic Bracket method is the only thing providing actual data, which suggests that cooperative hunting was probably rare, if we can trust the data, which I'm not sure we can. 

If I put myself on the spot to draw conclusions, I'd say cooperative/pack hunting was likely more common in non-avian dinosaurs than it is in any close living relatives, but we'll likely never have the data to really know. 

 

6 hours ago, Nivek said:

We don't need razor teeth claws because we have opposing thumbs and can let the rock take the damage instead of our teeth/jaws/fingers.   Our social, brain, and dexterity combo paved the way for dominance.  We are still animals and not helpless.  

 

Badger was caught by a man barehanded.    

 

A rock is a tool/weapon and one other primates also use, along with sticks, to attack each other and other animals.  If we get to use them, so do the chimps, which they do commonly to war on neighboring troops.

That said, this discussion has been about one person against the animal in unarmed combat. In the video posted, there are two people. One of them is using a tool (deer antler) to distract the badger, while the other guy grabs it from behind.

 

Quote

"If you watch close right as I grab him he just about gets my forearm. I don't recommend trying this."

 

Even with two people, and one of them using a tool, the stupid bastard that picked the badger up still almost got nailed. Tendons, blood vessels, nerves and muscles in the forearm are pretty vulnerable. That guy would have needed major reconstructive surgery if the badger had gotten a hold of his forearm and/or hand. He's as lucky as he is stupid. 

One person trying that without any tools/weapons would get fucked up fast.

[huge 3831]

Look at those damn claws on the badger.  Looks like Freddy Krueger.

[Celery Man 21094]

^^ I feel like all that stuff is exactly what a velociraptor would say to get you to let your guard down

[UpperWestside 6268]

On 1/17/2023 at 6:42 AM, Nivek said:

Meh,  wolverines are scavengers.  Just because it walked around with a body part doesn't mean it killed and took the prey down.  

Stomp that bitch.  Its teeth and claws will make for an excellent necklace.   There is a reason man is a mass extinction machine.  

Wolverines scavenge, but they are also killing machines when they want to be. You posted a video that I know I have seen before of the man catching it. 
 

Here’s what I want to see. Put a man in a room with no weapons, just some shorts and a shirt and let’s see how it goes for oh, let’s say 99.999999999 percent of our population that wants to go at one. The only thing humans excel at is destroying habitat and taking away land from awesome creatures like that wolverine. 

[UpperWestside 6268]

2 hours ago, huge said:

Look at those damn claws on the badger.  Looks like Freddy Krueger.

I was in the 5th grade the first time I saw a badger. It was our high school mascot so they bring one in for all the elementary students to see. Someone decided to put it in this small enclosed atrium so we could see it up close. The badger completely shredded everything in the atrium. I have always laughed at people since then who do not understand fully what they are capable of doing, especially if they feel cornered.

[Nivek 17405]

@Pods  I think you are missing my point.  Those critters have evolved (for brevity) to their environment and feeding routines.   We are somewhat independent of their adaptations.   Badgers are fierce little critters, but man's advantage is in his use of tools, and environment to his favor.   If a badger attacked a fully grown healthy man, he will risk a bite or two and some cuts.   It won't be some turn-based combat.    The man will find something to use as a tool, sand, stick, rock, the tile floor, a wall to use as a weapon.   When he gains position on the critter the fight is over.   Size and the ability to use it matters.  A badger might be tough as shit for what it does, but if our nondescript man jumps on it, the thing is going to be broken.  The power of the little critter's jaw is great, but it has to be big enough to matter.  

Badger attacks and hurts an old man's arm.

badger caught by man with armed with a stained bedsheet

 

[BabaYaga 15623]

3 hours ago, UpperWestside said:

Wolverines scavenge, but they are also killing machines when they want to be. You posted a video that I know I have seen before of the man catching it. 
 

Here’s what I want to see. Put a man in a room with no weapons, just some shorts and a shirt and let’s see how it goes for oh, let’s say 99.999999999 percent of our population that wants to go at one. The only thing humans excel at is destroying habitat and taking away land from awesome creatures like that wolverine. 

Yep.  Those little shits will chase off and then defend kills from bears and wolves.  They give zero fucks.  

[Prepuce of Doom 21285]

19 hours ago, Nivek said:

@Pods  I think you are missing my point.  Those critters have evolved (for brevity) to their environment and feeding routines.   We are somewhat independent of their adaptations.   Badgers are fierce little critters, but man's advantage is in his use of tools, and environment to his favor.   If a badger attacked a fully grown healthy man, he will risk a bite or two and some cuts.   It won't be some turn-based combat.    The man will find something to use as a tool, sand, stick, rock, the tile floor, a wall to use as a weapon.   When he gains position on the critter the fight is over.   Size and the ability to use it matters.  A badger might be tough as shit for what it does, but if our nondescript man jumps on it, the thing is going to be broken.  The power of the little critter's jaw is great, but it has to be big enough to matter.  

Badger attacks and hurts an old man's arm.

badger caught by man with armed with a stained bedsheet

 

This reminds me of a story I've never heard. 

Two men show up for a duel. The duel administrator (do they have an official title?) goes through the ground rules, and then does the whole "choose your weapon" thing. 

The first guy says, "I choose the tile floor!" and the second guy says, "I choose the wall!" and then nobody gets hurt or killed after all. 

Edited January 19, 2023 by Prepuce of Doom

[closetohumping 17803]

On 1/18/2023 at 1:14 AM, Pods said:

Warning, long detour ahead...

Velociraptors were actually Mongolian and the size of a big turkey with a long, stiff tail. 

 

 

Velociraptors in Jurassic Park were based on Deinonychus, which lived in Montana and was a little over 4 feet tall. After Jurassic Park came out, Utah's state paleontologist and some colleagues discovered a dromaeosaurid in Utah that's much closer to the dimensions of the one in Jurassic Park and named it Utahraptor. 

 

 

Pack hunting is actually a really complicated behavior to try to study. There is very little evidence for pack hunting in any dinosaurs, including Dromaeosaurids. It's mostly based on a specimen from Montana of a plant eating dinosaur (Tenontosaurus) with several dead Deinonychus preserved around it. Some paleontologists have interpreted this as evidence of them all being killed in the act of cooperatively hunting, but there are other plausible explanations, so it's unfortunately not much to go on. There is zero direct evidence for the behavior in Velociraptors. That doesn't mean they didn't do the behavior, but it's extremely unlikely to fossilize, and difficult to interpret even if it did fossilize. Fossilization is a very rare process that almost never preserves behavior. There is unfortunately a huge amount of ambiguity for how to interpret the small amount of data we do have. 

With no solid direct data, the next best thing is a technique called Extant Phylogenetic Bracketing. Basically look at what the closest still living relatives do and try to bracket the behavior with data from more ancestral and more derived relatives. If you see the behavior widespread in living relatives, you can make assumptions the fossil animal may have done that behavior too. It's usually a pretty clean method and easy to interpret, but not here. 

Pack/cooperative hunting is extraordinarily rare in modern predatory birds, which are the closest relatives, having evolved directly from non-avian predatory dinosaurs. As of the last time I checked, it had only been plausibly reported once in a single species of hawk in a desert environment with scarce resources. It's possible it's been documented more since, but it's clear birds of prey almost always hunt solo. Another problem is this may or may not even be informative, because almost all predatory birds hunt aerially and only some dinosaurs did this. Most of them were terrestrial hunters, so it's plausible the behavior could differ from modern predatory birds. There are a few terrestrial predatory birds and they hunt solo, but it's an uncomfortably small sample size to draw big conclusions from. 

Crocodylians may hunt with a bunch of other crocs nearby, but they don't cooperatively hunt, though they may communally feed once one of them brings down prey. More recent studies suggest turtles are also close relatives, though more distant than crocs and birds. Turtles don't cooperatively hunt. Just like with birds, this behavior may also not be informative, because they are almost all primarily aquatic creatures, while most dinosaurs were terrestrial. 

All other archosaurs are dead, so we can't get any observational behavioral data for them without a time machine. 

We do know from trackways and mass death sights that plant eaters often moved in herds, so a lot of paleontologists think it is plausible some of the predators may have hunted in packs, especially given how dangerous some of the potential prey could be in a large herd. However, we don't have any actual evidence for it and the Extant Phylogenetic Bracket method is the only thing providing actual data, which suggests that cooperative hunting was probably rare, if we can trust the data, which I'm not sure we can. 

If I put myself on the spot to draw conclusions, I'd say cooperative/pack hunting was likely more common in non-avian dinosaurs than it is in any close living relatives, but we'll likely never have the data to really know. 

 

A rock is a tool/weapon and one other primates also use, along with sticks, to attack each other and other animals.  If we get to use them, so do the chimps, which they do commonly to war on neighboring troops.

That said, this discussion has been about one person against the animal in unarmed combat. In the video posted, there are two people. One of them is using a tool (deer antler) to distract the badger, while the other guy grabs it from behind.

 

 

Even with two people, and one of them using a tool, the stupid bastard that picked the badger up still almost got nailed. Tendons, blood vessels, nerves and muscles in the forearm are pretty vulnerable. That guy would have needed major reconstructive surgery if the badger had gotten a hold of his forearm and/or hand. He's as lucky as he is stupid. 

One person trying that without any tools/weapons would get fucked up fast.

Fuck byu!

Imo. Most men couldn’t handle a pit bull

[Nivek 17405]

8 hours ago, closetohumping said:

Fuck byu!

Imo. Most men couldn’t handle a pit bull

They aren't men then.  IMO.

[closetohumping 17803]

15 minutes ago, Nivek said:

They aren't men then.  IMO.

Hey man your name spelled backwards is Kevin

[Nivek 17405]

14 hours ago, closetohumping said:

Hey man your name spelled backwards is Kevin

[PittsburghTiger 6340]

 

[Covri 6368]

 

[RDCanecutter 26871]

On 1/17/2023 at 3:26 PM, Pods said:

Moose are either totally cool, or psychotic and the switch between them flips easily and somewhat arbitrarily. 

Dammit. I knew I had moose blood. Damn lyin-ass 23nMe.

[Deej 77804]

On 1/18/2023 at 11:22 AM, UpperWestside said:

Put a man in a room with no weapons, just some shorts

Cargo shorts or jorts?

[UpperWestside 6268]

4 minutes ago, Deej said:

Cargo shorts or jorts?

On second thought let’s put these heroic warriors in there naked. I am sure the badger will be dead within seconds.

[Gene Parmesan 4064]

29 minutes ago, Covri said:

 

I'd win vs a great white on land.

[Superhero 9016]

40 minutes ago, Gene Parmesan said:

I'd win vs a great white on land.

What if you were fighting a møøse (who bit your sister) in deep water?

 

 

[Grade of D as in David 13255]

1 hour ago, Gene Parmesan said:

I'd win vs a great white on land.

You would lose. It would create a breathing apparatus out of kelp.

 

 

[956 Worldwide 35589]

You cannot beat up a camel:

 

 

[Superhero 9016]

Probably did it so he wouldn't get drafted.

[nnm 37894]

7 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

You cannot beat up a camel:

 

 

From the comments:  “carma, carma, carma, carma, carma camel-iooooon, 
Now this sung is stuck in your mind too, hehehe”

[DigglerontheHoof 21548]

16 minutes ago, nnm said:

From the comments:  “carma, carma, carma, carma, carma camel-iooooon, 
Now this sung is stuck in your mind too, hehehe”

Fuck.  I do too, now.