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22% of men (incl. Kevin) don't realize that a chimp would fucking wreck them

Prepuce of Doom

By Prepuce of Doom
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Goredho
Goredho

A follow up to the above.  Tl;dr: the Emus are no more, man rules emus, and pussy rules man. My wife finally decided that we are not emu farmers.  Thank God.  She contacted the previous owners, a

Jameslaw121
Jameslaw121

An elephant that doesn't tell the truth  

Goredho
Goredho

We own 4 emus and I wouldn’t fight them either.  A typical feeding goes something like this: 1.  Note emus are across the pen, 100 yards away and looking in the opposite direction.  Safe enough.

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YGIFS

YGIFS 19449

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Wow, I don't know that I've ever seen one of those (online or at a zoo).  Cool, cool.  Going down the rabbit hole tonight on that thing.

Looks like a couple eagles got to talking over keybumps and one was like, "Hear me out, what if I did like a whole Ronin Samurai thing?"  

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Deej

Deej 76756

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On 4/6/2023 at 7:22 PM, YGIFS said:

Wow, I don't know that I've ever seen one of those (online or at a zoo).  Cool, cool.  Going down the rabbit hole tonight on that thing.

Looks like a couple eagles got to talking over keybumps and one was like, "Hear me out, what if I did like a whole Ronin Samurai thing?"  

 

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956 Worldwide

956 Worldwide 34705

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Orcas off the Iberian peninsula have figured out how to sink boats and it appears to be driven by a grudge. 
 

https://www.washingtonpost.com/science/2023/05/21/orca-killer-whale-boat-attacks/

Quote

The leading theory is that a female orca suffered a traumatic incident with a boat — a “critical moment of agony” — that caused her to start attacking the vessels, Alfredo López Fernandez, a marine biologist at the University of Aveiro in Portugal, told the industry publication Live Science.

The majority of the “disruptive” interactions between orcas and boats off the Iberian Peninsula in the past few years — López Fernandez said they numbered in the hundreds — have been brief and caused minimal physical damage to the vessels, according to a report co-written by López Fernandez and published in the journal Marine Mammal Science. But on at least three occasions, including one incident this month involving a sailing yacht, the orcas have sunk the boats.

The female orca, whom scientists named White Gladis, appears to have taught the aggressive behavior to other adult orcas, whose children have begun imitating the behavior, López Fernandez said.

If they ever evolve thumbs, we’re fucked. 
 

Fuck you dolphin! And fuck you whale! 

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futureman

futureman 22444

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1 hour ago, UpperWestside said:

This thread is still one of the funniest on this site mainly because of the people who think they can beat up animals because we have opposable thumbs. I am still waiting to see someone here decide to fight a badger in an enclosed room. 

you're a fucking idiot if you don't think any able-bodied man could easily dispatch a 25 lb badger.

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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21056

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9 minutes ago, Grade of D as in David said:

How much action do you want to take on this one? Assuming you are doing the fighting.

It looks like we could purchase a badger for as little as $2,750.

https://www.frazierfarmsexotics.com/badgers

Drain the Wreath Fund, have someone train/raise the little asshole until it hits 25 lbs., and then offer odds and PPV with Futureman vs. Badger fighting to the death? 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
*no badger pickups on Sundays though.
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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13253

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8 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

It looks like we could purchase a badger for as little as $2,750.

https://www.frazierfarmsexotics.com/badgers

Drain the Wreath Fund, have someone train/raise the little asshole until it hits 25 lbs., and then offer odds and PPV with Futureman vs. Badger fighting to the death? 

shut up and take my money GIF by Product Hunt

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DigglerontheHoof

DigglerontheHoof 21183

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1 hour ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

It looks like we could purchase a badger for as little as $2,750.

https://www.frazierfarmsexotics.com/badgers

Drain the Wreath Fund, have someone train/raise the little asshole until it hits 25 lbs., and then offer odds and PPV with Futureman vs. Badger fighting to the death? 

In for $100

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Snake Diggity

Snake Diggity 4620

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49 minutes ago, futureman said:

a 25 lb badger?  I weigh 215 lbs.  I could probably kill 5 of them at once with my bare hands.  this is a ridiculous conversation.  

I’m in for $1000 to video you fighting 5 25 pound badgers.  Not a bet.  I’ll just pay you (or your estate) $1000 regardless of the outcome.  Unless that’s illegal then I’m out (but pm me).

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futureman

futureman 22444

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7 minutes ago, Snake Diggity said:

I’m in for $1000 to video you fighting 5 25 pound badgers.  Not a bet.  I’ll just pay you (or your estate) $1000 regardless of the outcome.  Unless that’s illegal then I’m out (but pm me).

I’m not gonna take $1000 off of you just to make five innocent badgers die meaningless deaths.  

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nnm

nnm 36356

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15 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

I’d pay good money to watch an escalating cafe match between willing man and beast. Start with a Guinea pig and move up in five pound size increments, maybe a predator and a vegetarian at each weight class till man taps out or gets got for good. 

Very civilized to set up the showdown in a cafe. Perhaps they could have a nice latte before getting down to business. 

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Blotto

Blotto 23491

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1 hour ago, TonyTexas said:

You must have the qualifications to be on The Biggest Loser, one way or another. Adult male chimps weigh up to 150 lbs. 

If we're talking the average Surly poster, 1/3 size sounds about right

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futureman

futureman 22444

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1 hour ago, DigglerontheHoof said:

A chimp would rip your junk off, bite your face off and fuck you over in ways you can't imagine.  Even for you, thinking you'd whip a chimp is fucking regarded.  

sorry you’re a pussy.  I’d wreck a chimp.  there’s a reason we passed their bitch asses in evolution. 

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956 Worldwide

956 Worldwide 34705

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On 5/25/2023 at 6:12 PM, UpperWestside said:

This thread is still one of the funniest on this site mainly because of the people who think they can beat up animals because we have opposable thumbs. I am still waiting to see someone here decide to fight a badger in an enclosed room. 

In a fight with a chimp, those thumbs are probably gone.

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YGIFS

YGIFS 19449

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A grown chimp would not only murder you, it would go Kaiser Soze on your add and go after your parents, your parent friends, and people who owed you money.  
 

we didn’t make it this far because of Jesus and Democracy.  We made it this far because we could run at a decent pace for a really long time and our goofy ass thumbs made us invent the concept of a question which led to tools.  1:1 unarmed combat, we are still largely fucked.  
 

now if a grown chimp has kidnapped your child, you’ll probably summon some primate level hormones and go fucking crazy on the thing and win.  But thankfully, the chimps signed that no-kidnapping accord with us some time ago and have largely honored it.  

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956 Worldwide

956 Worldwide 34705

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4 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

What?  

Humans are excellent distance runners, better than almost any other animal. We can sweat, so we don’t overheat. The upright, bipedal motion is not great for sprints but very good for long distances. Most biologists think we evolved to simply exhaust prey over the long run. 
 

There’s really no other animal that could do an ultramarathon, physically. They’ll overheat and die or collapse.

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YGIFS

YGIFS 19449

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8 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

What?  

You really don't know?  We're not the fastest, but a damn sight.  And we can't go nearly as long as many other animals.  But pound-for-pound nothing on this planet, at least above the waterline, can go 10mph for an hour.  Not as much as our brain or our thumb, but our mid-level endurance, helped a metric fuckton to get us to the top of the foodchain.  Cheetah at 70mph?  Yeah, for 30 seconds.  No shortage of animals that can fly or run for 3 hours at a time but at a very slugged pace.  But upright Timmy, 10 mph for a straight hour can evade being eaten and can run down some dinner like nobody's business.  That was our original gift before tools/weapons.  If you can't catch me, I'm gonna catch your family.  

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TexArcher

TexArcher 37771

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On 5/25/2023 at 4:59 PM, futureman said:

a 25 lb badger?  I weigh 215 lbs.  I could probably kill 5 of them at once with my bare hands.  this is a ridiculous conversation.  

This is the dumbest post in the history of the internet.

7 hours ago, futureman said:

sorry you’re a pussy.  I’d wreck a chimp.  there’s a reason we passed their bitch asses in evolution. 

And now this is the dumbest post in the history of the internet.

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