22% of men (incl. Kevin) don't realize that a chimp would fucking wreck them

[Sbbruin 22,138]

Just now, Onboard 2.0 said:

I can choke out a chicken with the best of them 

 

[Onboard 2.0 9,083]

4 minutes ago, Sbbruin said:

 

Well that got damned weird quick 

[Prepuce of Doom 21,285]

[Chewbacca 7,828]

13 minutes ago, SimonBolivar said:

7% of men have never seen The Revenant.

Yeah, those are some overconfident motherfuckers.  A grizzly wins 100% of the time.  Even if it wants a nap first.

[Onboard 2.0 9,083]

5 minutes ago, Chewbacca said:

Yeah, those are some overconfident motherfuckers.  A grizzly wins 100% of the time.  Even if it wants a nap first.

I call BS , I think I could take him

[RexWilson 1,499]

3 hours ago, SimonBolivar said:

I like how >20% of men said they'd lose to a rat. Step on it!

Maybe they thought it was Missing In Action 2 style fight 

 

[High Plains Drifter 11,185]

2 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

There's not a lemur that exists whose ass I couldn't whip.  I'd be king of fucking Madagascar, for sure.

 

 

[conVINCEd 21,477]

Are there different sizes of chimps?  What was posted up thread looked more like a gorilla.  The ones I saw in Africa were much smaller.  There were signs everywhere about rolling up your windows so the little fuckers don’t get in the car and steal anything that wasn’t tied down.  I could take one of those fuckers.

Edited May 14, 2021 by conVINCEd
Edit: my fault, I was getting chimps and baboons confused.

[KYHorn 17,594]

Listen, if they're allowed to use their God-given abilities, so am I

 

[Brisketexan 106,849]

1 hour ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

My grandfather retired to the mountains of North Carolina and had a small lake in his backyard. He fed generations of trumpeter swans for 20+ years until one especially protective/aggressive male swan kicked his ass for no apparent reason. 

My grandfather was in his late 80s (maybe even early 90s?) at the time, but he was as healthy and fit as anyone could be at that age. Buster the Swan just wailed on him with its wings and left an entire side of his body badly bruised from his ankle up past his hips and almost to his belly button. 

He came really close to shooting it but ultimately opted to just stop feeding them instead. 

Still, I think that any long-necked bird would be pretty easy to eventually dispatch by anyone with opposable thumbs. 

A swan will FUCK.  YOU.  UP.  They are among the meanest fucking animals on the planet, and the power they bring to the table is surprising as shit.  A swan comes at your ass, RUN.  I'm dead serious.  You might win the ultimate fight, but you'll sure look like you were in a goddamned knock-down-drag-out brawl.

Majestic, beautiful creatures my ass.

[Gil Bang 26,227]

4 hours ago, gsoda3 said:

the guy doesn't get hurt.  after the punch he just walks off and the roo doesn't do anything.

Yeah...pretty sure that the 'roo had ahold of the guy's dog.  The guy came out to save the dog, and squared up with the 'roo.  

Ballsy. 

[MrPhlegm 3,413]

wild boar or sow.

[Baboontyme 2,881]

1 hour ago, conVINCEd said:

Edited 1 hour ago by conVINCEd
Edit: my fault, I was getting chimps and baboons confused.

Oh no you di'int. 

[52-80 19,377]

2 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

He came really close to shooting it but ultimately opted to just stop feeding them instead. 

 

long game.

[52-80 19,377]

1 hour ago, Brisketexan said:

A swan will FUCK.  YOU.  UP.  They are among the meanest fucking animals on the planet, and the power they bring to the table is surprising as shit.  A swan comes at your ass, RUN.  I'm dead serious.  You might win the ultimate fight, but you'll sure look like you were in a goddamned knock-down-drag-out brawl.

Majestic, beautiful creatures my ass.

what are they gonna do, ballet you do death?  id have the mottherfuckers neck knotted up like an animal balloon

[52-80 19,377]

i call these 3 bitches:  breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

[Baboontyme 2,881]

Where are coyotes on this list? Someone put a poll up on Next Door. 

[CooterBrown 18,285]

Are there different sizes of chimps?  What was posted up thread looked more like a gorilla.  The ones I saw in Africa were much smaller.  There were signs everywhere about rolling up your windows so the little fuckers don’t get in the car and steal anything that wasn’t tied down.  I could take one of those fuckers.

The problem with chimps is their go-to
move is to castrate you, gouge out your eyes, and bite off your fingers. All within about 30 seconds. If you’re lucky they’ll disembowel you before eating your face and fucking your nose hole.

[Droopy 2,639]

25 minutes ago, CooterBrown said:

The problem with chimps is their go-to
move is to castrate you, gouge out your eyes, and bite off your fingers. All within about 30 seconds. If you’re lucky they’ll disembowel you before eating your face and fucking your nose hole.

Yeah, but I’ve been taking some judo classes down at the Rec Center for about 8 months now, so...

[Sbbruin 22,138]

Yeah, but I’ve been taking some judo classes down at the Rec Center for about 8 months now, so...

Ah, the noble art of Judo. Just like my man Barney Fife.

[Prepuce of Doom 21,285]

43 minutes ago, CooterBrown said:

The problem with chimps is their go-to
move is to castrate you, gouge out your eyes, and bite off your fingers. All within about 30 seconds. If you’re lucky they’ll disembowel you before eating your face and fucking your nose hole.

A chimp should have been a hidden character in the Mortal Kombat games. 

[Sawbonz 28,141]

6 hours ago, markstanco said:

Avatar checks out

[0xdeadbeef 1,699]

5 hours ago, Chewbacca said:

Only 76% say they could take a rat?  WTF?

Shit man, I've seen subway rats in NYC that I want no part of. 

[Brisketexan 106,849]

Where are coyotes on this list? Someone put a poll up on Next Door. 

Depends. Is it at the top or the bottom of your spiral staircase?

[Somnio 751]

7 hours ago, Sbbruin said:

The fact that there is anyone who thinks they could take on a grizzly, lion elephant or alligator is comedy.

pussy

[Hank Scorpio 17,924]

 

[TexArcher 38,891]

As ridiculous as the grizzly bear thing is, I'm even more shocked that 23% of men think they could beat up a king cobra.

The large dog thing is really stupid, too.  I raised two German Shepherds that would've murdered any human on earth.  Grab wrist, break wrist, drag to ground, maul.  GSD by GnP stoppage, 0:18 of Rd 1.

I can only assume that a lot of people have never seen a big ass dog really trying to hurt something.

Edited May 15, 2021 by TexArcher

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4,999]

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4,999]

Carl Akeley, the father of modern taxidermy, next to the leopard he killed with his bare hands.

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4,999]

Quote

Ageing Farmer Kills Leopard With Bare Hands In Kenya

Nairobi (AFP) Jun 22, 2005
A 73-year-old man used his bare hands to tear out the tongue of a leopard that attacked him in Kenya and killed it, a newspaper said Wednesday of an incident confirmed by the Kenya Wildlife Service (KWS).
The 73-year-old Daniel M'Mburugu was working in his potato garden near Mount Kenya in the centre of the country when the animal, apparently aggressive, hurtled from nearby grass and charged towards him.

"It let out a blood-curdling snarl that made the birds stop chirping. I froze for some seconds, then it dawned on me that death was staring at me on the face," he told the Standard Newspaper.

M'Mburugu, a peasant farmer, dropped the machete he was carrying and forced his hand into the leopard's mouth, pulling out its tongue in an act of self-defence, according to the report in the daily.

"A voice, which must have been from God, whispered to me to drop the panga (machete) and thrust my hand into its wide open mouth, I obeyed," he said, explaining that the leopard sank its teeth into his wrist, but would not let go.

As the struggle continued, M'Mburugu realised that the animal's "breathing was belaboured", prompting him to keep pulling the tongue.

Villagers only responded when the animal lay dying and he gained instant status as a village hero, the paper said.

"Wardens said the leopard attacked the man because it was injured elsewhere ... wild animals are usually very aggresive and attack unprovoked when injured," KWS spokesman Edward Indakwa told AFP.

"Nevertheless, he was lucky," he added of the incident that occurred early this month.

Incidents of human-wildlife conflict in the east African nation are common, mostly near game parks and national reserves.

https://www.terradaily.com/reports/Ageing_Farmer_Kills_Leopard_With_Bare_Hands_In_Kenya.html#:~:text=A 73-year-old man,Kenya Wildlife Service (KWS).&text=wild animals are usually very,spokesman Edward Indakwa told AFP.

[TexArcher 38,891]

29 minutes ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

 

I'll take "Bullshit Legends" for $1,000, Alex.

 

[markstanco 12,784]

Avatar checks out

It really does if you knew the inside story.

[Trey3216 15,452]

1 hour ago, TexArcher said:

As ridiculous as the grizzly bear thing is, I'm even more shocked that 23% of men think they could beat up a king cobra.

The large dog thing is really stupid, too.  I raised two German Shepherds that would've murdered any human on earth.  Grab wrist, break wrist, drag to ground, maul.  GSD by GnP stoppage, 0:18 of Rd 1.

I can only assume that a lot of people have never seen a big ass dog really trying to hurt something.

Pick that cobra up by the tail and swing it in a circle until you smash that fucker into a tree.   

[52-80 19,377]

5 hours ago, Trey3216 said:

Pick that cobra up by the tail and swing it in a circle until you smash that fucker into a tree.   

Don’t fuck with people who wear a tablecloth for pants

 

 

[Scooter Monzingo 821]

In my early years I worked in an environment that had more than its share of so called tough guys. The standing bet was grab a squirrel off the ground and hold it for 10 seconds. You do that, and I’ll remember your fucking name.
 

 

no one ever collected that money.

 

[DigglerontheHoof 21,544]

8 hours ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

https://www.terradaily.com/reports/Ageing_Farmer_Kills_Leopard_With_Bare_Hands_In_Kenya.html#:~:text=A 73-year-old man,Kenya Wildlife Service (KWS).&text=wild animals are usually very,spokesman Edward Indakwa told AFP.

Moral of the story?  Do NOT fuck with Daniel M'Mburugu.

Machete?  He don't need no fucking machete; just rip its fucking tongue out.  

[Guest]

13 hours ago, conVINCEd said:

Are there different sizes of chimps?  What was posted up thread looked more like a gorilla.  The ones I saw in Africa were much smaller.  There were signs everywhere about rolling up your windows so the little fuckers don’t get in the car and steal anything that wasn’t tied down.  I could take one of those fuckers.

Sounds like in Mother Africa, chimp takes you...and your backpack, your cellphone, and your beaver nuggets.

[Post Oak 20,554]

14 hours ago, Goredho said:

Any chimp dumb enough to fuck with me better be up to date on his life insurance 

 

[Post Oak 20,554]

7 hours ago, Trey3216 said:

Pick that cobra up by the tail and swing it in a circle until you smash that fucker into a tree.   

That's where you lost me 

Edited May 15, 2021 by Post Oak

[Enchubben 5,600]

I do t know about any of these, but at the drive though animal zoos, Emu’s and Ostriches scared the fuck out of me. Would.Not.Fight

[OneOfTheOutOfFocusGuys 2,153]

18 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

I suppose that "medium sized dog" can mean a lot of things, but each data point above that on this graphic suggests that we are a very dumb species overall. 

I would pay a lot of money to watch overconfident morons get taken apart by chimps. Would probably eventually solve a lot of our nation's problems in the process, too. 

Link to full article: https://today.yougov.com/topics/lifestyle/articles-reports/2021/05/13/lions-and-tigers-and-bears-what-animal-would-win-f

I was an orange belt in strip mall karate, so put me in the 7%. 

[Guest]

Hell. Let's start with the basics.

How many Surlists can't get a fish off the hook...or even bait it to begin with?

 

 

[Onboard 2.0 9,083]

6 minutes ago, slorch said:

Hell. Let's start with the basics.

How many Surlists can't get a fish off the hook...or even bait it to begin with?

 

 

Bait ?  Bait ??!!  Bait is for the suckers.  Fuck that noise, it's all about noodling.

[SwanderedTalent 5,761]

14 hours ago, Onboard 2.0 said:

Well that got damned weird quick 

yeah SBBruin's like "I'll bring the cracker!!!!!"

[RPM 26,601]

33 minutes ago, Post Oak said:

That's where you lost me 

 

[Doc Reeves 6,434]

11 hours ago, CooterBrown said:

The problem with chimps is their go-to
move is to castrate you, gouge out your eyes, and bite off your fingers. All within about 30 seconds. If you’re lucky they’ll disembowel you before eating your face and fucking your nose hole.

about 22% of people don’t believe the moon landing happened, so the macho confidence of the “never seen a chimp up close” seems to be in line.
 

of course, if you fuck around you might find out: 

https://www.mic.com/articles/143192/charla-nash-s-body-rejected-her-face-transplant-but-the-chimp-attack-suvivor-will-be-ok

[Kennythetiger 9,612]

18 hours ago, Longhorn94 said:

i mean he has testicles too right?

I don’t remember another thread where I have laughed so hard and repped so much. 

[Not a cat 5,805]

So there's a small group of people that understand they would lose to a grizzly or lion but could somehow take a gorilla or elephant?  I guess they figure they like their chances as long as the animal doesn't have claws.

 

[Goredho 17,640]

52 minutes ago, Enchubben said:

I do t know about any of these, but at the drive though animal zoos, Emu’s and Ostriches scared the fuck out of me. Would.Not.Fight

We own 4 emus and I wouldn’t fight them either.  A typical feeding goes something like this:

1.  Note emus are across the pen, 100 yards away and looking in the opposite direction.  Safe enough.

2.  Quickly dart into pen and set down food dish so you can get out before they notice.

4. Raise up to realize you are surrounded by 4 emus less than a foot away from you in each direction.  How did they get there?

5.  Ouch!  That fucker pecked the back of my ear!

6.  Spin around and slap emu across the beak

7. Feel another peck from behind on your neck from another emu

8.  Simultaneously get kicked in the balls by the first emu

9.  Give up and lunge away from their food and out of the pen while they hiss at you

10. Give laughing wife an angry glare

[Onboard 2.0 9,083]

4 minutes ago, Goredho said:

We own 4 emus and I wouldn’t fight them either.  A typical feeding goes something like this:

1.  Note emus are across the pen, 100 yards away and looking in the opposite direction.  Safe enough.

2.  Quickly dart into pen and set down food dish so you can get out before they notice.

4. Raise up to realize you are surrounded by 4 emus less than a foot away from you in each direction.  How did they get there?

5.  Ouch!  That fucker pecked the back of my ear!

6.  Spin around and slap emu across the beak

7. Feel another peck from behind on your neck from another emu

8.  Simultaneously get kicked in the balls by the first emu

9.  Give up and lunge away from their food and out of the pen while they hiss at you

10. Give laughing wife an angry glare

Fucking velociraptors with feathers.