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22% of men (incl. Kevin) don't realize that a chimp would fucking wreck them

Prepuce of Doom

By Prepuce of Doom
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Goredho
Goredho

A follow up to the above.  Tl;dr: the Emus are no more, man rules emus, and pussy rules man. My wife finally decided that we are not emu farmers.  Thank God.  She contacted the previous owners, a

Jameslaw121
Jameslaw121

An elephant that doesn't tell the truth  

Goredho
Goredho

We own 4 emus and I wouldn’t fight them either.  A typical feeding goes something like this: 1.  Note emus are across the pen, 100 yards away and looking in the opposite direction.  Safe enough.

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MaybeACoordinator

MaybeACoordinator 8350

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10 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:

 

I was a life guard at Barton Springs in school, which was crawling with "tame" squirrels that people would feed. Some dipshit lured a squirrel into his lap with a piece of bread then on a dare grabbed the squirrel.

Squirrel bit completely through the webbing between his thumb and 1st finger. He came up to the guard house covered in his own blood. I wrapped his hand up, trying not to laugh at the dumbass, and told him to find someone to drive him to the emergency room to get stitches, and (just to fuck with him), rabies shots.

 

I've been bit, scratched, stung, pissed on, and otherwise attacked by dozens of animals and insects over the years, and bar none the most painful assault of them all was a tiny dying field mouse I tried to save from my neighbor's dog. That little fucker sunk a tiny fang straight into the ball of my thumb right down to the bone....Fuck a field mouse forever.

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Scooter Monzingo

Scooter Monzingo 821

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11 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:

 

I was a life guard at Barton Springs in school, which was crawling with "tame" squirrels that people would feed. Some dipshit lured a squirrel into his lap with a piece of bread then on a dare grabbed the squirrel.

Squirrel bit completely through the webbing between his thumb and 1st finger. He came up to the guard house covered in his own blood. I wrapped his hand up, trying not to laugh at the dumbass, and told him to find someone to drive him to the emergency room to get stitches, and (just to fuck with him), rabies shots.

 

Man didn’t get to the top of the food chain because he was physically superior. 

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Biff Tannen

Biff Tannen 46137

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On 5/14/2021 at 2:12 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

"Eagle" is frustratingly overbroad, but a harpy eagle could fly off with your head if it wanted to.

 

d9c456fe3856a09304a407681613851e.jpg

Harpy1.jpg

Dallas zookeeper told me these are the meanest animals they have. Multiple injuries to zoo workers that feed them. 

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Deej

Deej 77747

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On 5/14/2021 at 4:19 PM, 52-80 said:

the swans at the local beach always gives my puppy the hiss and the evil eyes.  if those motherfuckers want to get rowdy i wouldnt hesitate to stomp their ass to the ground

 

SpryScentedEmu-max-1mb.gif

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Underdog

Underdog 29132

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19 hours ago, Nivek said:

Gorilla, Elephant, Zero chance.
Lion and Grizzly you have a punchers chance with a Bowie knife (read
Rest of the list is doable. Gator in water is 0 chance. On land it could be done but more likely not.

Chimps are stupid. Dogs are dumb.

This also depends on age. Do I get to fight a mid 40 yr old critter? Then my chances go up, really good considering most of them would be dead.

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Gil Bang

Gil Bang 26227

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On 5/14/2021 at 5:54 PM, Baboontyme said:

Where are coyotes on this list? Someone put a poll up on Next Door. 

That hits close to home.  Half the shit on our local nextdoor is coyote talk.

On 5/15/2021 at 5:16 AM, Enchubben said:

I do t know about any of these, but at the drive though animal zoos, Emu’s and Ostriches scared the fuck out of me. Would.Not.Fight

So, about 15 years ago, we had bad fires in San Diego.   At the time, the (now ex) wife was into horses, and we had a horse trailer.   There are lots of horses in San Diego, and most people don't have trailers, so, for several days, I took time off of work, and evacuated horses from the various fires.  One of the big, well-known tack and feed joints in Del Mar (Mary's) brought in a bunch of people, and acted as "dispatch" of sorts.  A group of us would go to some stables in the path of the fire, load up horses, and take them to the evacuation center, Del Mar racetrack being the main one.  After we made the drop, we'd call Mary's, and they would tell us where to go next.


Anyway, often you didn't know shit about the horse that you picked up...name, owner, anything at all.  The volunteers at Del Mar would take whatever info you had, stick the horse in a stall, and write the info on tape on the stall door.  

So, we made a drop at Del Mar, and the firefighters were gaining control, so there was no need for any further immediate evacuations.  So, of course, we all cracked a cold one after what had been a pretty stressful several days. 

Anyway, I'm walking around the stalls at Del Mar drinking a beer, and checking out the horses.  As I mentioned, the names (if known) were written on the stall doors on duct tape.  So, I'm walking along with the wife, and she's feeding each horse a carrot.   We're observing the names as we walk along.  "Hey 'Blaze', how ya doin' boy, have a carrot".   "Hey Smokey".  "Hey Socks", and so on.  Of course, the horses hear the next door neighbor crunching on a carrot, and they want one too, so their heads are all out of the stalls.   Then we walk a stall with no horse head sticking out of it.  Name on the door says "Emu".  Hmm.  That's a funny name for a horse, I think to myself as I stick my head in the stall, looking for a horse, and barely pull back in time to save the eye that was about to be pecked the fuck out. 

Fuck emus.  Deal me the fuck out of anything to do with those assholes. 

Edited by Gil Bang
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Nivek

Nivek 17394

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Everything except the elephant could theoretically be killed with your bare hands.  I don’t think you could kill an elephant without a weapon.

I mean short of causing an avalanche/rock slide I am not sure how one can bare handed fight and kill a gorilla or bear. Or does using my bare hands to purchase a flamethrower count?
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conVINCEd

conVINCEd 21477

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Just now, Nivek said:


I mean short of causing an avalanche/rock slide I am not sure how one can bare handed fight and kill a gorilla or bear. Or does using my bare hands to purchase a flamethrower count?

Theoretically, you could choke them out.

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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9612

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30 minutes ago, Nivek said:


I mean short of causing an avalanche/rock slide I am not sure how one can bare handed fight and kill a gorilla or bear. Or does using my bare hands to purchase a flamethrower count?

Sleeper hold, motherfucker.  For the gorilla.  Not sure about the bear.  

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52-80

52-80 19377

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1 hour ago, Nivek said:


I mean short of causing an avalanche/rock slide I am not sure how one can bare handed fight and kill a gorilla or bear. Or does using my bare hands to purchase a flamethrower count?

harness your Chi and unleash it all on its pressure points

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conVINCEd

conVINCEd 21477

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1 hour ago, Gil Bang said:

That hits close to home.  Half the shit on our local nextdoor is coyote talk.

So, about 15 years ago, we had bad fires in San Diego.   At the time, the (now ex) wife was into horses, and we had a horse trailer.   There are lots of horses in San Diego, and most people don't have trailers, so, for several days, I took time off of work, and evacuated horses from the various fires.  One of the big, well-known tack and feed joints in Del Mar (Mary's) brought in a bunch of people, and acted as "dispatch" of sorts.  A group of us would go to some stables in the path of the fire, load up horses, and take them to the evacuation center, Del Mar racetrack being the main one.  After we made the drop, we'd call Mary's, and they would tell us where to go next.


Anyway, often you didn't know shit about the horse that you picked up...name, owner, anything at all.  The volunteers at Del Mar would take whatever info you had, stick the horse in a stall, and write the info on tape on the stall door.  

So, we made a drop at Del Mar, and the firefighters were gaining control, so there was no need for any further immediate evacuations.  So, of course, we all cracked a cold one after what had been a pretty stressful several days. 

Anyway, I'm walking around the stalls at Del Mar drinking a beer, and checking out the horses.  As I mentioned, the names (if known) were written on the stall doors on duct tape.  So, I'm walking along with the wife, and she's feeding each horse a carrot.   We're observing the names as we walk along.  "Hey 'Blaze', how ya doin' boy, have a carrot".   "Hey Smokey".  "Hey Socks", and so on.  Of course, the horses hear the next door neighbor crunching on a carrot, and they want one too, so their heads are all out of the stalls.   Then we walk a stall with no horse head sticking out of it.  Name on the door says "Emu".  Hmm.  That's a funny name for a horse, I think to myself as I stick my head in the stall, looking for a horse, and barely pull back in time to save the eye that was about to be pecked the fuck out. 

Fuck emus.  Deal me the fuck out of anything to do with those assholes. 

Just think of the poor mother fucker that had to load the emu in the trailer.

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HenryJames

HenryJames 67295

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11 minutes ago, closetohumping said:

If I can run from him, his weak cardio May tire him out leaving me The ability to come on for the kill

Not knowing anything about you other than you post on Surly, I’m guessing the gorilla has better cardio than you.

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Guest Lobo

Guest Lobo

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Isn't that supposed to be the underrated skill of what helped get us to the top of the food chain?  Our mid-range running?  We're not the fastest and we can't last the longest, but almost nothing else can run 8mph for an hour like we can.  As such, we wore a lot of animals out that were trying to kill us.  That part was a nice-to-have, but the weapons-making ability probably helped out a fuckton.  

I still come back to the eagle. Average American male outweighs it 10:1 but I think it's deceptively deadly only because the pair of 4-prong talons and the high-pressure beak mauling ability.  I was thinking about it on a drive out to the hill country yesterday...if you somehow subdue its talons...you got nothing to keep it from pecking your face into pastrami.  I guess roll over on top of it and pin down its talons with your knees and hope it doesn't rip through your tendons while using your hands to snap its neck.  I guess you gotta pin it down, take your slashes and deep cuts, while you eventually can stand on it and kick it to death?  You'll win but I think you'll come out so much more fucked up than most of those animals that polled further up the list.  

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Gil Bang

Gil Bang 26227

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1 hour ago, HenryJames said:

Not knowing anything about you other than you post on Surly, I’m guessing the gorilla has better cardio than you.

 

10 minutes ago, closetohumping said:

I'm in really great shape, let's just leave it at that.

Yeah, you rarely see a fat, out-of-shape guy in gay porn (so I've heard). 

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conVINCEd

conVINCEd 21477

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If you had to be locked in a cage, in the classic two men enter one man leaves scenario, would you rather be locked in that cage with prime Mike Tyson or a fully grown Nile crocodile?  A foursome spent the better part of a round of golf debating this and we all ended up choosing the crocodile.

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Onboard 2.0

Onboard 2.0 9083

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15 minutes ago, conVINCEd said:

If you had to be locked in a cage, in the classic two men enter one man leaves scenario, would you rather be locked in that cage with prime Mike Tyson or a fully grown Nile crocodile?  A foursome spent the better part of a round of golf debating this and we all ended up choosing the crocodile.

You just have to get thru the first 2 rounds with Mike, then your odds go way up.  You have to get thru the death roll with the croc.  That's happened less frequently I'll bet.

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conVINCEd

conVINCEd 21477

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1 minute ago, Onboard 2.0 said:

You just have to get thru the first 2 rounds with Mike, then your odds go way up.  You have to get thru the death roll with the croc.  That's happened less frequently I'll bet.

The general consensus was that Tyson was certain death if the rules were you had to fight to the death, you might outthink the crocodile, and death with the crocodile would happen quickly versus slowly getting bludgeoned to death by Tyson.

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Prepuce of Doom

Prepuce of Doom 21285

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9 minutes ago, conVINCEd said:

The general consensus was that Tyson was certain death if the rules were you had to fight to the death, you might outthink the crocodile, and death with the crocodile would happen quickly versus slowly getting bludgeoned to death by Tyson.

I disagree with your apparent conclusion that anyone besides the top 1% of badasses would ever last long enough to succumb to a slow bludgeoning by Mike Tyson. 

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conVINCEd

conVINCEd 21477

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4 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

I disagree with your apparent conclusion that anyone besides the top 1% of badasses would ever last long enough to succumb to a slow bludgeoning by Mike Tyson. 

I guess it’s a question of how long you’re conscious.  That was a talking point.

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conVINCEd

conVINCEd 21477

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1 minute ago, Onboard 2.0 said:

I think Tyson puts most out with 1 maybe 2 punches. He'd kill some with a single blow or quick three.

Define out.  Am I going to be somewhat aware that he is eating my ear, even if technically concussed?  Croc would be over really quickly once you were on the losing end.  I also miss the days when I could play a round of golf with friends with the major talking point being whether you would rather fight Tyson or a crocodile.  All kids and business these days.

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Onboard 2.0

Onboard 2.0 9083

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1 minute ago, conVINCEd said:

Define out.  Am I going to be somewhat aware that he is eating my ear, even if technically concussed?  Croc would be over really quickly once you were on the losing end.  I also miss the days when I could play a round of golf with friends with the major talking point being whether you would rather fight Tyson or a crocodile.  All kids and business these days.

OUT totally. I don't think death by a croc is quick. 

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Nivek

Nivek 17394

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Isn't that supposed to be the underrated skill of what helped get us to the top of the food chain?  Our mid-range running?  We're not the fastest and we can't last the longest, but almost nothing else can run 8mph for an hour like we can.  As such, we wore a lot of animals out that were trying to kill us.  That part was a nice-to-have, but the weapons-making ability probably helped out a fuckton.  
I still come back to the eagle. Average American male outweighs it 10:1 but I think it's deceptively deadly only because the pair of 4-prong talons and the high-pressure beak mauling ability.  I was thinking about it on a drive out to the hill country yesterday...if you somehow subdue its talons...you got nothing to keep it from pecking your face into pastrami.  I guess roll over on top of it and pin down its talons with your knees and hope it doesn't rip through your tendons while using your hands to snap its neck.  I guess you gotta pin it down, take your slashes and deep cuts, while you eventually can stand on it and kick it to death?  You'll win but I think you'll come out so much more fucked up than most of those animals that polled further up the list.  

Eagle would be pretty easy. Punch the fucker one time and you can shatter it’s bones. Grab it’s wing and go hulk smash while it’s talons flail about.
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conVINCEd

conVINCEd 21477

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4 minutes ago, Onboard 2.0 said:

OUT totally. I don't think death by a croc is quick. 

The potential to possibly outthink the croc was the argument that carried the day.  Still remember that round of golf because of that.  Lago Vista circa late 90’s.

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