22% of men (incl. Kevin) don't realize that a chimp would fucking wreck them

[Guest Lobo]

Now that we've established who all the tough guys on here are.  Can we get down to the real fun?  

Those 15 animals plus an adult human.  16 team, single elimination bracket.  #1 seed is Grizzly Bear apparently versus #16 Rat.  Keep in mind a disease-ridden bite that infects and kills an animal later in the tournament can be a big factor.  Many of these animals have never seen one another so the new fighting styles will be key.  #2 Lion v. #15 House cat (I'm gonna enjoy this one).  Elephant v. Goose (gonna take awhile).  #4 Gorilla v. #13 Medium Sized Dog.  I think human gets seeded somewhere between Large Dog and Eagle.  Who you got in your Final 4?  

[smuggs 9,342]

#4 Child from Random Caucasus Village   v.   #10 Aggressive Hand-Fed Tarpon

#6 Brain-Eating Amoeba   v.   #9 Mouse-Eating Baghdad Spider

[Kennythetiger 9,334]

I think a Siberian tiger would be #1 and Grizzly #2. 
Elephant vs goose loser would be whichever one dies of thirst first. 

[Prepuce of Doom 20,983]

1 hour ago, Blotto said:

I guess if you can successfully jerk the dog off, you will have instantly defused the situation and made a friend for life.

I always just carry around one of these in case of horny dog attacks. 

 

 

[Kennythetiger 9,334]

Where are the herbivores seeded?  I.e. Cape buffalo and hungry hungry hippos. 

[ztejas 43,262]

3 hours ago, DigglerontheHoof said:

Oh, now we have qualifiers....total badass. 

Sorry. I thought qualifiers might be necessary since "large dog" barely qualifies anything and we have people acting like "large dog" means the dog is at least 120 pounds and has been thoroughly trained to kill humans. Hence why I gave myself a cutoff of what I think I could handle in a death match. 

2 hours ago, Coelenterate Fuccboi said:

I won’t go into details because you guys wouldn’t believe me, but large dogs (and I’m not talking gigantic dogs) are not as difficult to defeat as we have convinced ourselves. We often fail to calculate man’s creativeness and will to survive when discussing these scenarios in a life or death situation.

Control the neck, control the dog, and I’m not talking about choking it. Grab the dog by the scruff of the neck with both hands, lift them up to where only their back legs are on the ground (you can literally steer them where you want them to go), hold on for dear life, and slam that SOB’s head into anything you can find. You can also take this opportunity to fuck up a dogs back legs with your own legs. It’s very difficult for a dog to bite when you have a solid grip on both sides of the neck, especially from behind. A good grip with one hand from behind frees up the other hand for any number of things. 

Or just smother them/pin them with your weight on top and chokehold it to death. 

I mean - I feel like some of you have never played tug of war with a good sized lab or shepherd or restrained a big dog on a leash before. When it comes to full body strength and muscle groups working together any red blooded male in decent shape is a LOT stronger than all but the absolute giants of the dog world. 

Or - you know - held a dog's mouth shut getting it to take a pill or something. Unless you're a total pussy even something like a big German shepherd is going to struggle to get it's biting ability in order with one or two hands clamped around its jaw. 

Edited May 19, 2021 by ztejas

[DigglerontheHoof 21,053]

14 minutes ago, ztejas said:

Sorry. I thought qualifiers might be necessary since "large dog" barely qualifies anything and we have people acting like "large dog" means the dog is at least 120 pounds and has been thoroughly trained to kill humans. Hence why I gave myself a cutoff of what I think I could handle in a death match. 

Or just smother them/pin them with your weight on top and chokehold it to death. 

I mean - I feel like some of you have never played tug of war with a good sized lab or shepherd or restrained a big dog on a leash before. When it comes to full body strength and muscle groups working together any red blooded male in decent shape is a LOT stronger than all but the absolute giants of the dog world. 

Welp, it's an unwinnable argument w/out a fight.   

You mention a male in decent shape so the K-9 opponent should be equally superior to the average dog (b/c the average man is NOT in decent shape).  So make it an  attack trained, large dog (Rottie, German Shepard, Bull Mastiff) vs. a male in decent shape.

If you'd like to volunteer, I'll buy a ticket to see it and cheer you on.

Or one of these dudes

Dogo Argentino  500psi bite force

Edited May 19, 2021 by DigglerontheHoof

[956 Worldwide 34,422]

1 hour ago, Lobo said:

Now that we've established who all the tough guys on here are.  Can we get down to the real fun?  

Those 15 animals plus an adult human.  16 team, single elimination bracket.  #1 seed is Grizzly Bear apparently versus #16 Rat.  Keep in mind a disease-ridden bite that infects and kills an animal later in the tournament can be a big factor.  Many of these animals have never seen one another so the new fighting styles will be key.  #2 Lion v. #15 House cat (I'm gonna enjoy this one).  Elephant v. Goose (gonna take awhile).  #4 Gorilla v. #13 Medium Sized Dog.  I think human gets seeded somewhere between Large Dog and Eagle.  Who you got in your Final 4?  

In this world, assuming that all the animals are motivated to fight and represented by a large, aggressive male of the largest subspecies. Your finishers in order are. Fighting ground is a sand pit with nowhere to climb but enough room for each animal to build up speed and maneuver:

1. African Bull Elephant 

2. Kodiak Grizzly

3. Saltwater Crocodile 

4. African Lion

 You could argue for two and three to swap. 
 

A healthy adult elephant, rhino, probably hippo are all finishing above the largest carnivore. 

[Coelenterate Fuccboi 13,010]

“Descent shape? Ok, here’s the Mike Tyson of dogs to fight.”

[Guest Lobo]

8 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

In this world, assuming that all the animals are motivated to fight and represented by a large, aggressive male of the largest subspecies. Your finishers in order are. Fighting ground is a sand pit with nowhere to climb but enough room for each animal to build up speed and maneuver:

1. African Bull Elephant 

2. Kodiak Grizzly

3. Saltwater Crocodile 

4. African Lion

 You could argue for two and three to swap. 
 

A healthy adult elephant, rhino, probably hippo are all finishing above the largest carnivore. 

OH yeah, I'd take the Hippo or Rhino in my bracket all day long.  I thought we were just going with that initial polling list of 15 animals.  

If we're going for mid-majors in the "Last 4 In"....never count out the Cape Buffalo.  Not what you think of when you think of buffalo but apparently has been recking shit in Africa for millions of years.  Nobody talks about them because they only murder in small numbers but when they do, it's a shitshow.

[956 Worldwide 34,422]

Lulz at the giving a dog a pill scenario.  Your dog likes you and associates you with food and is submissive. Trust me, if Fido really doesn’t want that pill he’s gonna take a finger off. 

[956 Worldwide 34,422]

15 minutes ago, Lobo said:

OH yeah, I'd take the Hippo or Rhino in my bracket all day long.  I thought we were just going with that initial polling list of 15 animals.  

If we're going for mid-majors in the "Last 4 In"....never count out the Cape Buffalo.  Not what you think of when you think of buffalo but apparently has been recking shit in Africa for millions of years.  Nobody talks about them because they only murder in small numbers but when they do, it's a shitshow.

Other dark horse herbivores with the Cape Buffalo would be American Bison and a Bull Moose. Don’t laugh, they are small trucks with antlers. 

Edited May 19, 2021 by 956 Worldwide

[Coelenterate Fuccboi 13,010]

1 hour ago, Lobo said:

Now that we've established who all the tough guys on here are. 

We’re all products of our environment. Some people grew up with hamsters, others with wild animals.

[conVINCEd 21,468]

15 minutes ago, Lobo said:

OH yeah, I'd take the Hippo or Rhino in my bracket all day long.  I thought we were just going with that initial polling list of 15 animals.  

If we're going for mid-majors in the "Last 4 In"....never count out the Cape Buffalo.  Not what you think of when you think of buffalo but apparently has been recking shit in Africa for millions of years.  Nobody talks about them because they only murder in small numbers but when they do, it's a shitshow.

The Cape Buffaloes main strategy for survival is strength in numbers.  You don’t ever see one Cape buffalo chilling by itself.  If you want to have a go at one, the risk is being trampled to death by the herd.  Not so valuable in a one on one scenario.
 

 

[Onboard 2.0 9,083]

2 hours ago, smuggs said:

So we should probably inform the pollsters to add the separate category "Massive Gigantic Dog", since many of us could clearly kick the shit out of those police dogs, pits and random neighborhood whathaveyous.

Never under estimate a whathaveyou....  sneaky bastards

[Guest Lobo]

that's why he's still in the mid-major category and not a top seed.

[956 Worldwide 34,422]

And I’d slot a polar bear in right at or above a grizzly, they are at least as big and probably a bit meaner if anything. 

[Guest Lobo]

5 minutes ago, Coelenterate Fuccboi said:

We’re all products of our environment. Some people grew up with hamsters, others with wild animals.

You were raised alongside wild animals?  Very impressive.  I could live among a pride of lions for 30 years and study their every move.  The thing is still gonna brutally murder me if we fight in an enclosed space.  Didn't realize growing up around animals took away their powers.  

[Onboard 2.0 9,083]

1 hour ago, smuggs said:

#4 Child from Random Caucasus Village   v.   #10 Aggressive Hand-Fed Tarpon

#6 Brain-Eating Amoeba   v.   #9 Mouse-Eating Baghdad Spider

 I think we're all forgetting about a sick cave bat.....  Cinderella story true, but damn,Final 4 material for sure.  #4 the other Cinderalla story

[Onboard 2.0 9,083]

3 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

And I’d slot a polar bear in right at or above a grizzly, they are at least as big and probably a bit meaner if anything. 

I'm going Kodiak brown... or a Sass-squatch

[Sawbonz 27,398]

13 hours ago, Gatorubet said:

Tibetan mastiff. Can I watch you put your hands around its neck and choke it out?

Can I fight him outside in Texas in late August?

[DigglerontheHoof 21,053]

39 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

In this world, assuming that all the animals are motivated to fight and represented by a large, aggressive male of the largest subspecies. Your finishers in order are. Fighting ground is a sand pit with nowhere to climb but enough room for each animal to build up speed and maneuver:

1. African Bull Elephant 

2. Kodiak Grizzly

3. Saltwater Crocodile 

4. African Lion

 You could argue for two and three to swap. 
 

A healthy adult elephant, rhino, probably hippo are all finishing above the largest carnivore. 

My Top 10 "can't be fucked with by man w/out a weapon", in order:

1. African Bull Elephant 

2. Hippopotamus

3. Rhino

4. Kodiak

5. Saltwater Crocodile 

6. Polar Bear

7. Siberian Tiger

8. African Lion

9. Cape Buffalo

10. Bull Moose

[Gene Parmesan 3,993]

5 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

And I’d slot a polar bear in right at or above a grizzly, they are at least as big and probably a bit meaner if anything. 

Polar bears are bigger than grizzlies.  

[52-80 19,081]

this one doesnt look so fierce

 

 

 

[Surly Bevo 24,696]

Vic slays large dogs every weekend, we should get him to weigh in.  

[closetohumping 17,392]

50 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

In this world, assuming that all the animals are motivated to fight and represented by a large, aggressive male of the largest subspecies. Your finishers in order are. Fighting ground is a sand pit with nowhere to climb but enough room for each animal to build up speed and maneuver:

1. African Bull Elephant 

2. Kodiak Grizzly

3. Saltwater Crocodile 

4. African Lion

 You could argue for two and three to swap. 
 

A healthy adult elephant, rhino, probably hippo are all finishing above the largest carnivore. 

Most cats will fuck up a crocodile on ground. They're way too agile.  There's film.

[conVINCEd 21,468]

16 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

And I’d slot a polar bear in right at or above a grizzly, they are at least as big and probably a bit meaner if anything. 

Venue would be a big factor.  Big home court advantage for the polar bear.  Not sure how well they would play on the road.  

[closetohumping 17,392]

Found this on the "post a pic" thread.  Looks like average man and doberman had a preseason game:

 

https://www.reddit.com/r/WinStupidPrizes/comments/nenqtx/slapping_a_dog_in_the_face_with_a_tree_branch/

 

 

[956 Worldwide 34,422]

6 minutes ago, Gene Parmesan said:

Polar bears are bigger than grizzlies.  

I’

 

12 minutes ago, DigglerontheHoof said:

My Top 10 "can't be fucked with by man w/out a weapon", in order:

1. African Bull Elephant 

2. Hippopotamus

3. Rhino

4. Kodiak

5. Saltwater Crocodile 

6. Polar Bear

7. Siberian Tiger

8. African Lion

9. Cape Buffalo

10. Bull Moose

Pretty good as long as we’re excluding only marine animals that can’t mess you up if you’re on dry land.

 

Plenty of snakes out there that will fight you to a delayed draw of “both dead”. But you’ll get your licks in. 

[Surly Bevo 24,696]

1 minute ago, closetohumping said:

Found this on the "post a pic" thread.  Looks like average man and doberman had a preseason game:

 

https://www.reddit.com/r/WinStupidPrizes/comments/nenqtx/slapping_a_dog_in_the_face_with_a_tree_branch/

 

 

Reddit thread name checks out.

[956 Worldwide 34,422]

1 minute ago, closetohumping said:

Found this on the "post a pic" thread.  Looks like average man and doberman had a preseason game:

 

https://www.reddit.com/r/WinStupidPrizes/comments/nenqtx/slapping_a_dog_in_the_face_with_a_tree_branch/

 

 

Why didn’t that man simply pick up the dog by the neck, break its hind legs, and slam it into the ground instead of letting it eat his balls? 

[Onboard 2.0 9,083]

16 minutes ago, DigglerontheHoof said:

My Top 10 "can't be fucked with by man w/out a weapon", in order:

1. African Bull Elephant 

2. Hippopotamus

3. Rhino

4. Kodiak

5. Saltwater Crocodile 

6. Polar Bear

7. Siberian Tiger

8. African Lion

9. Cape Buffalo

10. Bull Moose

Good list. 

[956 Worldwide 34,422]

7 minutes ago, closetohumping said:

Most cats will fuck up a crocodile on ground. They're way too agile.  There's film.

Talking about the biggest and meanest of the species. A saltwater crocodile outweighs the largest cat by over 2000 pounds and it’s go-to move is to roll over and over. The cat won’t be able to stay in place long enough to get through the scales and when it inevitably is caught by the snap...it’s game over. 

[Richard Kimball 1,492]

21 minutes ago, DigglerontheHoof said:

My Top 10 "can't be fucked with by man w/out a weapon", in order:

1. African Bull Elephant 

2. Hippopotamus

3. Rhino

4. Kodiak

5. Saltwater Crocodile 

6. Polar Bear

7. Siberian Tiger

8. African Lion

9. Cape Buffalo

10. Bull Moose

Who wins? Or is this the new "rock, paper, scissors?"

  

Edited May 19, 2021 by Richard Kimball

[closetohumping 17,392]

5 minutes ago, Surly Bevo said:

Reddit thread name checks out.

4 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Why didn’t that man simply pick up the dog by the neck, break its hind legs, and slam it into the ground instead of letting it eat his balls? 

First, we need to be sure that's a man.  But yeah, abandoned his training.  Of course, he wasn't expecting the dog to lunge, dumbass.

Just now, 956 Worldwide said:

Talking about the biggest and meanest of the species. A saltwater crocodile outweighs the largest cat by over 2000 pounds and it’s go-to move is to roll over and over. The cat won’t be able to stay in place long enough to get through the scales and when it inevitably is caught by the snap...it’s game over. 

Video I've seen is the cat easily maneuvers behind the crocodile and bites his neck.  Ball game in about 30 seconds.  

 

[smuggs 9,342]

2 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Why didn’t that man simply pick up the dog by the neck, break its hind legs, and slam it into the ground instead of letting it eat his balls? 

He was hyperfocused on attempting to disrupt the dog's biting ability. You know, by clamping his jaw shut.

[conVINCEd 21,468]

Komodo dragon needs to get a little love as a mid-major.

[Coelenterate Fuccboi 13,010]

28 minutes ago, Lobo said:

You were raised alongside wild animals?  Very impressive.  I could live among a pride of lions for 30 years and study their every move.  The thing is still gonna brutally murder me if we fight in an enclosed space.  Didn't realize growing up around animals took away their powers.  

It was analogy, in jest, kind of. Now you’re comparing lions to dogs?

6 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Why didn’t that man simply pick up the dog by the neck, break its hind legs, and slam it into the ground instead of letting it eat his balls? 

It was obvious from the beginning that both were pussies.

[Onboard 2.0 9,083]

2 minutes ago, conVINCEd said:

Komodo dragon needs to get a little love as a mid-major.

Or more like a Big 10 program.. (big, slow, powerful, and nasty breath)

[conVINCEd 21,468]

1 minute ago, Onboard 2.0 said:

Or more like a Big 10 program.. (big, slow, powerful, and nasty breath)

Would you rather fight to the death against Indiana or a Komodo dragon?

[smuggs 9,342]

2 minutes ago, closetohumping said:

Video I've seen is the cat easily maneuvers behind the crocodile and bites his neck.  Ball game in about 30 seconds.  

Croc is also cold blooded. Explosive speed and power initially but a huge disadvantage for prolonged stamina. The tiger can easily outlast him but he'd have to be deft as fuck and let the croc wear himself out.

[closetohumping 17,392]

4 minutes ago, conVINCEd said:

Would you rather fight to the death against Indiana or a Komodo dragon?

 

Just now, smuggs said:

Croc is also cold blooded. Explosive speed and power initially but a huge disadvantage for prolonged stamina. The tiger can easily outlast him but he'd have to be deft as fuck and let the croc wear himself out.

Sure.  But video I posted the tiger finished the croc quickly.  Just a bad matchup on land.  Now, in the water the tiger is done.

4 minutes ago, conVINCEd said:

Would you rather fight to the death against Indiana or a Komodo dragon?

Prime Bob Knight would've been a handful.

[956 Worldwide 34,422]

11 minutes ago, closetohumping said:

First, we need to be sure that's a man.  But yeah, abandoned his training.  Of course, he wasn't expecting the dog to lunge, dumbass.

Video I've seen is the cat easily maneuvers behind the crocodile and bites his neck.  Ball game in about 30 seconds.  

 

I think it’s dependent on the size and species. That’s a mugger crocodile and the tiger attacking looks to be about the same weight. Size is pretty damn important, the difference between that and a 1 ton saltie is vast. 

[conVINCEd 21,468]

1 minute ago, smuggs said:

Croc is also cold blooded. Explosive speed and power initially but a huge disadvantage for prolonged stamina. The tiger can easily outlast him but he'd have to be deft as fuck and let the croc wear himself out.

Which is why an animal fighting tournament should be put together.  Give me a tiger vs. a croc and you can gladly have my $69.95 to watch the PPV.

[Guest Lobo]

13 minutes ago, Coelenterate Fuccboi said:

Now you’re comparing lions to dogs?

 

Yeah, I'm comparing lions to dogs...that's the whole point of the animal v. animal tournament thread.  Humans are also animals and the whole point of the poll was to compare fighting skills of us versus different animals.  Then there's been some posts about how certain wild animals would fare against other animals of the wild.  So yeah, I compared lions to dogs because we're also doing tiger v. croc.  Polar Bear v. Panda Bear.  Let's fucking do this! 

[Onboard 2.0 9,083]

10 minutes ago, smuggs said:

Croc is also cold blooded. Explosive speed and power initially but a huge disadvantage for prolonged stamina. The tiger can easily outlast him but he'd have to be deft as fuck and let the croc wear himself out.

Rope -a -dope, worked in the Rumble In The Jungle.... seems appropriate here.

[Gene Parmesan 3,993]

Lion vs Tuna?

 

[clapclapclap 9,000]

On 5/14/2021 at 1:47 PM, SimonBolivar said:

Good luck!

Is that a Frank Beamer chimp?

[MaybeACoordinator 8,349]

If we are including saltwater crocs, why not orcas? Those fuckers will beach themselves to eat your ass, and then flop back in the ocean to digest you.

 

 

 

 

[956 Worldwide 34,422]

I gotta say on the big mean dog vs. man question, most of the available news, photo, and video evidence shows the unarmed man having a much shittier day.

For counterpoint, there are some sweet MMA against dogs techniques that have been floated. And a clip of Will Smith ending a dog that also became a vampire. 
 

So there’s an argument for both there.