22% of men (incl. Kevin) don't realize that a chimp would fucking wreck them

[SimonBolivar 11062]

27 minutes ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

If we are including saltwater crocs, why not orcas? Those fuckers will beach themselves to eat your ass, and then flop back in the ocean to digest you.

 

 

 

 

Insane to me that there are 0 confirmed orca fatalities in the wild. They'll kill you at SeaWorld, but they don't really care about you if you don't imprison them.

[956 Worldwide 35586]

The more I think, the giant snakes are a dark horse. A big anaconda, reticulated python, or rock python will easily dispatch a man. There’s nothing to grapple with and you can’t choke one out.  They’d likely get the better of some of the cats. 

[Surly Bevo 25705]

All I know is I’m waiting for the new cut scenes for the next big contenders for Iron Mike

[nnm 37893]

2 hours ago, conVINCEd said:

Which is why an animal fighting tournament should be put together.  Give me a tiger vs. a croc and you can gladly have my $69.95 to watch the PPV.

Plenty of those videos out there for free. Here’s one that’s kind of a crazy mashup. Also shows that the big snake is not a dark horse as posited later in the thread. 

 

[gsoda3 3362]

3 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Talking about the biggest and meanest of the species. A saltwater crocodile outweighs the largest cat by over 2000 pounds and it’s go-to move is to roll over and over. The cat won’t be able to stay in place long enough to get through the scales and when it inevitably is caught by the snap...it’s game over. 

once the cat gets behind the jaws and locks on how is the croc going to roll?  it has no leverage.  

[nnm 37893]

2 hours ago, conVINCEd said:

Which is why an animal fighting tournament should be put together.  Give me a tiger vs. a croc and you can gladly have my $69.95 to watch the PPV.

Plenty of those videos out there for free. Here’s one that’s kind of a crazy mashup. Also shows that the big snake is not a dark horse as posited later in the thread. 

 

[Guest Lobo]

2 hours ago, SimonBolivar said:

They'll kill you at SeaWorld, but they don't really care about you if you don't imprison them.

So like Eric Trump on a date, then?  

Edited May 19, 2021 by Lobo

[conVINCEd 21477]

26 minutes ago, nnm said:

Plenty of those videos out there for free. Here’s one that’s kind of a crazy mashup. Also shows that the big snake is not a dark horse as posited later in the thread. 

 

That’s all fine and dandy, but it’s not a tournament.  I need brackets to fill out, an opportunity to gamble on the outcome, Michael Buffer introducing the animals, and some bunting.

[MaybeACoordinator 8350]

2 minutes ago, conVINCEd said:

That’s all fine and dandy, but it’s not a tournament.  I need brackets to fill out, an opportunity to gamble on the outcome, Michael Buffer introducing the animals, and some bunting.

At last -- a way to save the Astrodome. 

[956 Worldwide 35586]

If this poll is accurate, about 10 million men think they can beat up an elephant in the US. I am sure several thousand would take 1,000 dollars to actually try. I’d pay good money to watch dipshits try to fight all those animals, probably down to large dog when there starts to be a chance that the person hurts the animal.

But I’d pay a good 500 bucks to watch some Surly poster fight a trained Rottweiler in a sand pit. For sure.

[Nivek 17404]

9 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

If this poll is accurate, about 10 million men think they can beat up an elephant in the US. I am sure several thousand would take 1,000 dollars to actually try. I’d pay good money to watch dipshits try to fight all those animals, probably down to large dog when there starts to be a chance that the person hurts the animal.

But I’d pay a good 500 bucks to watch some Surly poster fight a trained Rottweiler in a sand pit. For sure.

Personally I am not into snuff films but you do you.  

Rottweiler vs man is a pretty good battle is the man is a paraplegic.  

[MaybeACoordinator 8350]

18 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

If this poll is accurate, about 10 million men think they can beat up an elephant in the US. I am sure several thousand would take 1,000 dollars to actually try. I’d pay good money to watch dipshits try to fight all those animals, probably down to large dog when there starts to be a chance that the person hurts the animal.

But I’d pay a good 500 bucks to watch some Surly poster fight a trained Rottweiler in a sand pit. For sure.

I was a surly little ragamuffin when I was about eight years old and at that point I'd won all the fights I'd been in. I remember walking around looking at 12 year olds and thinking I could take them out easily. A year or so later, inspired by the Miracle on Ice, I also thought that there was a chance our fourth grade football team could beat the Pittsburgh Steelers. I was willing to accept we would be tremendous underdogs.

Nothing like a few ass-kickings, on the field and in the bars, to disabuse you of such notions. Apparently ten million American men have never had their asses kicked. 

[Player 4609]

Nivek must be one of them karate men like Billy Ray Valentine, y’all. Thinks he can pull the quartablood move on some big mean ass dog.

Hey Nivek, when they throw you in that cage with the dog you gonna be crying like a pussy.



YEAH!

[956 Worldwide 35586]

13 minutes ago, Nivek said:

Personally I am not into snuff films but you do you.  

Rottweiler vs man is a pretty good battle is the man is a paraplegic.  

Here’s a graphic video that puts a lot of this to the test. The dog is not particularly big and the young, healthy man is using his body weight to pin the dog and has gotten an arm around its neck. A couple things:

1. The dog is not close to choking out.

2. Once you have the dog where you “want” it, it’s taking every ounce of focus and strength to keep it there. This dude knows if he shifts his body around, it’s teeth are going somewhere he doesn’t want them.

3. The cop thinks that he can grab the dog by his neck. The cop thought wrong. The “ending” to the fight is to shoot the dog.

https://youtu.be/ZSmCBmkKh14

You really should google what large dog bites look like, the trauma they cause is serious and life changing, and often more than enough for blood loss to be an issue during your grappling match. 

[BHMCruiser 1828]

This shit is ridiculous.

Just starting with the elephant, google "elephant kills man" and there are 360,000 videos of elephants wrecking dudes in like half a second. 

The first one is hysterical but I will not link it here.

[closetohumping 17803]

31 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Here’s a graphic video that puts a lot of this to the test. The dog is not particularly big and the young, healthy man is using his body weight to pin the dog and has gotten an arm around its neck. A couple things:

1. The dog is not close to choking out.

2. Once you have the dog where you “want” it, it’s taking every ounce of focus and strength to keep it there. This dude knows if he shifts his body around, it’s teeth are going somewhere he doesn’t want them.

3. The cop thinks that he can grab the dog by his neck. The cop thought wrong. The “ending” to the fight is to shoot the dog.

https://youtu.be/ZSmCBmkKh14

You really should google what large dog bites look like, the trauma they cause is serious and life changing, and often more than enough for blood loss to be an issue during your grappling match. 

Good video.  See how twitchy that dog was? That's an animal.  They do not relax or quit.

[956 Worldwide 35586]

And this guy writes about getting attacked by a 120 pound wolf he raised and the aftermath, also a good data point for “I will just use my free arm to fight back and absorb the pain, or shove my hand down its throat.”

https://www.quora.com/Animal-Behavior/Animal-Behavior-Would-a-lone-adult-wolf-be-able-to-take-down-an-unarmed-athletic-adult-human/answer/Oliver-Starr 

 

Spoiler

As luck would have it he seized my arm that was nearer his face in what I immediately realized was an all-out attack.

Having been around wolves for about ten years at that point I knew the last thing I wanted was to be in a tug of war with a wolf where my arm was the rope.

With my free arm, I grabbed his head and threw my self on top of him hoping that by rolling him to the ground I could regain control of the situation.

The next forty-five seconds seemed like an eternity. It felt like I was in three places at once. I could hear my assistant screaming, I could feel the incredible pain of the bones in my forearm being crushed by Jake's jaws and at the same time, there was a part of my consciousness that was completely detached observing the situation with the cool analytical mind of a scientist.

I distinctly remember this scientist's mind thinking "he's much, much stronger than I expected. The pressure is incredible."

Meanwhile back inside my body, I was in the fight of my life. I'd shoved my free hand into Jake's mouth to prevent him from fully cleaving my arm in two. Even with my fully gloved hand in his mouth I could feel things inside my arm crackling and popping as muscle, tendon, and bone began to give way.

As this was happening I recalled a time when, as a child, my younger brother had managed to get the front of an oversized Wellington stuck between the treads of an escalator near the top of the flight. And like the escalator, Jake's mouth was relentless, merciless, efficient.

My brother was fortunate. The powerful machine sliced the front of the boot clean off leaving his foot intact. I wasn't going to be so lucky.

The scientist's mind was already calculating how long I could last if I lost the arm so far from help.

Thankfully I didn't need to find out. My assistant, a feisty calf-roper I called Frankie had been around animals all her life and she did what she later claimed any ranch chick would do; she grabbed Jake by the balls and yanked hard.

Suddenly the pressure was gone. I leaped to my feet and Frankie lunged for the lead in an effort to get Jake under control.

She got hold of the rope but not before Jake hurled himself towards me going for my exposed throat. Thanks to Frankie he came up just short his teeth finding purchase in the bicep of my left arm. Even with all the layers of winter clothes, the damage was instant and severe. I immediately lost all feeling in my hand.

Fortunately for us, Jake's aggression was only directed towards me and Frankie was able to pull him away and tie his leash to a nearby Aspen tree.

"Listen to me carefully," I said. "I'm not sure how badly I'm hurt and I'm not going to try and find out now. I need to get myself off this mountain and I need you to get the animals."

"First catch Jessa and leash her. Give me a five-minute head start so we don't have any more issues with Jake. I'll either be in the truck or in the trail."

"No," Frankie said. "I'm going to go home get a gun and shoot Jake, he's too dangerous."

You don't get it I said. It's ten below, we're two miles from the car and an hour from a hospital. I'm bleeding. I know my forearm is broken and I can't feel my hands. I don't have time for an argument. Just do what I told you."

I didn't wait for an answer. I was already getting very cold and the lurking scientist in the back of my mind was coolly informing me I had about twenty minutes to get somewhere warm.

My recollection of the hike off the mountain is hazy. I felt like I was a robot programmed to keep walking. Clutching both arms to my chest my balance was poor and I stumbled and fell more times than I can remember. Somehow struggling back to my feet each time. Finally, I could see the black ribbon of icy asphalt below and for the first time since the attack, I started to believe I might actually survive the ordeal.

At the hospital, I claimed I'd injured myself cutting firewood. They didn't believe me but it didn't matter the job was the same.

They cut my clothing off my arms and my gloves from my hands. There was surprisingly little blood externally but beneath the surface of the skin, it was another story. My right forearm had been nearly pulverized. The pressure of the bite had broken both bones in multiple places, the muscle sheathes were ruptured and numerous tendons had been severed from the bite.

My left hand was also broken, apparently from my efforts to save my arm by stuffing my hand in Jake's mouth as we rolled on the ground. His final effort to get to my throat resulted in an eighty percent tear of my left bicep.

Initially, the doctors weren't sure they'd be able to save my right hand so extensive was the internal damage to the bone and tissue higher up, in my forearm.

Fortunately, some of the world's best hand surgeons were a few hours up the road at the Steadman Hawkins Clinic in Vail.

Unlike the doctors at the ER near my home, I gave them the full story. I felt they needed to understand the true nature of the injury if they were going to be able to treat it.

This turned out to be a stroke of luck. It's not every day a doctor gets to see the damage imparted by a wolf on the human body...

Ultimately the doctors were able to mend the bone, repair the ligaments and reattach the tendons and I mostly healed. My left biceps still has a large chunk missing where the muscle never healed and it's about 20% weaker than my right one. My right forearm still has bulges where the muscle sheath was ruptured and has never fully healed. I have normal strength in both hands but chronic pain in the forearm that was broken.

In summary, without having someone with me, I am certain the animal would have killed me and I had the advantage of knowing the animal and knowing about these animals. I'm pretty sure that an individual without these advantages stands little chance of surviving an all-out attack.

 

[Hanrahan 1306]

Good list. 

A fucking giraffe will wreck your ass much worse than a moose. Size alone is an insurmountable advantage.

[mchookem 16764]

kangaroo. i'd like to see one of you guys fight a kangaroo. 

[ztejas 44217]

3 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Here’s a graphic video that puts a lot of this to the test. The dog is not particularly big and the young, healthy man is using his body weight to pin the dog and has gotten an arm around its neck. A couple things:

1. The dog is not close to choking out.

2. Once you have the dog where you “want” it, it’s taking every ounce of focus and strength to keep it there. This dude knows if he shifts his body around, it’s teeth are going somewhere he doesn’t want them.

3. The cop thinks that he can grab the dog by his neck. The cop thought wrong. The “ending” to the fight is to shoot the dog.

https://youtu.be/ZSmCBmkKh14

You really should google what large dog bites look like, the trauma they cause is serious and life changing, and often more than enough for blood loss to be an issue during your grappling match. 

Dude... your debate skills are terrible. That is the dog's OWNER. He isn't TRYING to kill the dog. You really don't think he could choke that dog out from that position? He is EASILY doing what I have been telling you would be one of the best ways of doing it. 

As for the Doberman video - that shit gets out of hand quickly but that dumbass is still able to protect himself decently (albeit with a little help) - and again - endgame there is not killing the dog. There aren't any throats or faces being ripped off instantly. But I will say that in the "large dog" umbrella a Doberman is one that I would be least interested in fighting to the death. Funny how I have yet to see any examples of a standard poodle or Labrador retriever killing or maiming someone.

2 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

And this guy writes about getting attacked by a 120 pound wolf he raised and the aftermath, also a good data point for “I will just use my free arm to fight back and absorb the pain, or shove my hand down its throat.”

https://www.quora.com/Animal-Behavior/Animal-Behavior-Would-a-lone-adult-wolf-be-able-to-take-down-an-unarmed-athletic-adult-human/answer/Oliver-Starr 

I'm probably wasting my time here though anyway since you think a 120 POUND wolf is somehow the same thing as any breed of dog. You realize most of the "vicious killing instinct" has been bred out of most breeds right and to some extent all of them? Maybe I'll find some 7th graders you can have this discussion with. 

Here's a similarly sized wolf vs. dog. The dog is done in almost instantly.

I'm half expecting 956's next example to be a coyote killing a toddler. 

Edited May 19, 2021 by ztejas

[Patricio Swayze 17058]

I want to thank Kevin for making this thread hilarious. Nice schtick.

The link in the OP reminds me how dumb “average intelligence “ really is.

[Chewbacca 7828]

I want to thank Kevin for making this thread hilarious. Nice schtick.

The link in the OP reminds me how dumb “average intelligence “ really is.

I'd like to see Kevin take on old girl Fu. She'd fuck him up like a couch.

[conVINCEd 21477]

I don’t think it’s all that unreasonable to think I could prevent myself from being killed by a normal, run of the mill large dog.  Now, if you are talking about a german shepherd that was trained for a year to be a personal protection asset that changes the game a little bit.

[Hanrahan 1306]

I'm probably wasting my time here though anyway since you think a 120 POUND wolf is somehow the same thing as any breed of dog. You realize most of the "vicious killing instinct" has been bred out of most breeds right and to some extent all of them? Maybe I'll find some 7th graders you can have this discussion with. 
Here's a similarly sized wolf vs. dog. The dog is done in almost instantly.
I'm half expecting 956's next example to be a coyote killing a toddler. 

An average sized Doberman would end your life with little to complain about.

[mulletpelini 5225]

9 hours ago, closetohumping said:

Found this on the "post a pic" thread.  Looks like average man and doberman had a preseason game:

 

https://www.reddit.com/r/WinStupidPrizes/comments/nenqtx/slapping_a_dog_in_the_face_with_a_tree_branch/

 

 

Cmon man, yous said man vs. animal not woman

[mchookem 16764]

2 hours ago, ztejas said:

Dude... your debate skills are terrible. That is the dog's OWNER. He isn't TRYING to kill the dog. You really don't think he could choke that dog out from that position? He is EASILY doing what I have been telling you would be one of the best ways of doing it. 

As for the Doberman video - that shit gets out of hand quickly but that dumbass is still able to protect himself decently (albeit with a little help) - and again - endgame there is not killing the dog. There aren't any throats or faces being ripped off instantly. But I will say that in the "large dog" umbrella a Doberman is one that I would be least interested in fighting to the death. Funny how I have yet to see any examples of a standard poodle or Labrador retriever killing or maiming someone.

I'm probably wasting my time here though anyway since you think a 120 POUND wolf is somehow the same thing as any breed of dog. You realize most of the "vicious killing instinct" has been bred out of most breeds right and to some extent all of them? Maybe I'll find some 7th graders you can have this discussion with. 

Here's a similarly sized wolf vs. dog. The dog is done in almost instantly.

I'm half expecting 956's next example to be a coyote killing a toddler. 

man that wolf was sneaky as shit! all tail-wagging and 'g'head sniff my butt'. cheater!

[Braff Zacklin 13676]

The collar and chain probably did the dog no favors, as well, but still ... that wolf didn't seem to have to try.

Edited May 20, 2021 by Braff Zacklin

[Droopy 2639]

A full grown wolf is a massive animal. It is not a large dog. Had an acquaintance that had one he found as a pup and raised it with some huskies. It was the Leonard Davis of dogs. So much bigger and stronger and would fuck you up. Way bigger than most people realize. 
 

depending on the breed but...

[conVINCEd 21477]

4 minutes ago, Droopy said:

A full grown wolf is a massive animal. It is not a large dog. Had an acquaintance that had one he found as a pup and raised it with some huskies. It was the Leonard Davis of dogs. So much bigger and stronger and would fuck you up. Way bigger than most people realize. 
 

depending on the breed but...

Is that a full-grown husky?

[gmr548 16684]

1 hour ago, Droopy said:

A full grown wolf is a massive animal. It is not a large dog. Had an acquaintance that had one he found as a pup and raised it with some huskies. It was the Leonard Davis of dogs. So much bigger and stronger and would fuck you up. Way bigger than most people realize. 
 

depending on the breed but...

An average wolf is like 80-90 pounds. 

[Celery Man 21092]

Alright boys, pick your Kevin it’s on

[High Plains Drifter 11186]

 

dog was thinking, hmmm, friends maybe?

wolf was thinking, dinner time.

[High Plains Drifter 11186]

 

16 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

In this world, assuming that all the animals are motivated to fight and represented by a large, aggressive male of the largest subspecies. Your finishers in order are. Fighting ground is a sand pit with nowhere to climb but enough room for each animal to build up speed and maneuver:

1. African Bull Elephant 

2. Kodiak Grizzly

3. Saltwater Crocodile 

4. African Lion

 You could argue for two and three to swap. 
 

A healthy adult elephant, rhino, probably hippo are all finishing above the largest carnivore. 

 

hippos will fuck up a crocodile.

 

 

15 hours ago, conVINCEd said:

The Cape Buffaloes main strategy for survival is strength in numbers.  You don’t ever see one Cape buffalo chilling by itself.  If you want to have a go at one, the risk is being trampled to death by the herd.  Not so valuable in a one on one scenario.
 

 

 

We got charged by a lone cape buffalo in Kenya years ago. If it had taken a better angle, it probably would have overturned our range rover. I suspect lone males are more aggressive than ones in a herd.

 

[956 Worldwide 35586]

4 hours ago, gmr548 said:

An average wolf is like 80-90 pounds. 

The wolf that bit the guy was 120 pounds. When I am thinking “large dog”,I’m thinking mastiffs, wolfhounds, and the aggressive breeds in the 100 plus pound range. Maybe not the “wild instinct” but the teeth and weight are similar. Not your tail wagging lab. Although labs put a hell of a lot of grown people in hospitals each year.  I love how many dudes think they are just gonna power through a serious bite.

[Onboard 2.0 9083]

6 hours ago, Droopy said:

A full grown wolf is a massive animal. It is not a large dog. Had an acquaintance that had one he found as a pup and raised it with some huskies. It was the Leonard Davis of dogs. So much bigger and stronger and would fuck you up. Way bigger than most people realize. 
 

depending on the breed but...

In college I used to walk by a row house, 10' ceilings, covered porches. There was a guy who had a part wolf part dog. It was huge like almost 3' to the shoulder.

I saw it jump 12-13' from the roof of a covered porch to the ground like it was stepping off a sofa after a nap.  Every feature, and proportion on that animal was exaggerated in size.  It would wreck, and then eat a typical man.

 

[El Diablo 4232]

The dog is a one trick pony, a biter. If he does that one trick well he has a good chance of winning by virtue of his opponent bleeding out. Humans don't have that biting capability so how are they going to win? Striking? Twisting neck? Compression/suffocation? 

[Sam Lin 3597]

Credit: https://kwills.com/?p=904

[Coelenterate Fuccboi 13424]

Posted to show how he gained control by grabbing the dog by the neck, and then used his body weight. Now picture how big Vic must be to gain control in the bedroom.

Edited May 20, 2021 by Coelenterate Fuccboi

[Nivek 17404]

Nivek must be one of them karate men like Billy Ray Valentine, y’all. Thinks he can pull the quartablood move on some big mean ass dog.

Hey Nivek, when they throw you in that cage with the dog you gonna be crying like a pussy.



YEAH!

You watch too much TV. I said was most men, not just me, could easily drop a dog. That means you too.

Unless the dog is Ravage from Transformers.

[ztejas 44217]

11 hours ago, Hanrahan said:

An average sized Doberman would end your life with little to complain about.

Probably. Hence why I said I might be least interested in having to fight one to the death. 

[MaybeACoordinator 8350]

2 hours ago, Onboard 2.0 said:

In college I used to walk by a row house, 10' ceilings, covered porches. There was a guy who had a part wolf part dog. It was huge like almost 3' to the shoulder.

I saw it jump 12-13' from the roof of a covered porch to the ground like it was stepping off a sofa after a nap.  Every feature, and proportion on that animal was exaggerated in size.  It would wreck, and then eat a typical man.

 

 

Townes Van Zandt and his wolf-dog Geraldine. She was the smartest dog I ever knew -- she knew about 24 tricks. And she would assist Townes when he was shitfaced (which was every day) by kind of leaning into him while he staggered around. She was amazingly gentle, but it was a given that if anyone fucked with Townes they would die. 

She lived past 20 years....

[Nivek 17404]

Alright boys, pick your Kevin it’s on

Cute dog

[ztejas 44217]

3 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

The wolf that bit the guy was 120 pounds. When I am thinking “large dog”,I’m thinking mastiffs, wolfhounds, and the aggressive breeds in the 100 plus pound range. Maybe not the “wild instinct” but the teeth and weight are similar. Not your tail wagging lab. Although labs put a hell of a lot of grown people in hospitals each year.  I love how many dudes think they are just gonna power through a serious bite.

Are you aware that wolves and dogs are different species of animal? 

[MaybeACoordinator 8350]

2 minutes ago, ztejas said:

Are you aware that wolves and dogs are different species of animal? 

Eh, to me, if they can fuck and make babies that are not sterile, it's close enough....

[Celery Man 21092]

1 hour ago, Nivek said:

Cute dog

Yeah well he eats pieces of shit for breakfast

[956 Worldwide 35586]

1 hour ago, ztejas said:

Are you aware that wolves and dogs are different species of animal? 

Canis lupus familiaris is a subspecies of canis lupus.  For fighting and babymaking purposes, a wolfhound is a lot closer to their wild cousin than to a bichon frise. 

[mininghorn88 2336]

Some of these replies should be in the “Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do” thread.

[Player 4609]

You watch too much TV. I said was most men, not just me, could easily drop a dog. That means you too.

Unless the dog is Ravage from Transformers.

Good luck with all that “karate man bleed on the inside” Billy Ray. You’re gonna need it.

[956 Worldwide 35586]

A Caucasian Shepard is another breed that will ruin your day. A big male will be over 200 pounds and look you in the eye with its paws on your shoulder. There is a Central Asian version that’s the same size but a bit less hair and a nicer attitude.

[Nivek 17404]

I was a surly little ragamuffin when I was about eight years old and at that point I'd won all the fights I'd been in. I remember walking around looking at 12 year olds and thinking I could take them out easily. A year or so later, inspired by the Miracle on Ice, I also thought that there was a chance our fourth grade football team could beat the Pittsburgh Steelers. I was willing to accept we would be tremendous underdogs.
Nothing like a few ass-kickings, on the field and in the bars, to disabuse you of such notions. Apparently ten million American men have never had their asses kicked. 

Do you really fight in bars and think this is a good thing?