I lost my mother this weekend.

[Brisketexan 105336]

Update: I'm doing a shitty job as the son of a widowed father.

My mother was the more social one (as is often the case with couples).  My dad is quieter, less outgoing, and certainly has tendencies towards being a loner.  Without my mother around, those tendencies are exacerbated.  But on the flip side of that coin.....he's clearly hungry for company, including our company.

My kids are both home for a couple of weeks, and he's relished any moment he can spend with them.  We spent Christmas eve and Christmas day all together.  But we've also been going full-speed since then, as my son's exchange brother had been in town, and we've been showing him around Texas.  So, we haven't seen much of my dad.  In trading messages the other day, he mentioned that he sure hoped to see the kids before they leave again.

My son had dinner with my dad last night.  I went over there briefly after their dinner to fix his toilet (replaced a valve, took me 10 minutes, but I stayed and socialized for a few, and then left them together).  A little while later, my son came home, and told me dinner was good.....but he's really worried about his grandfather.  He could tell when he left that granddad wanted him to stay just a little bit longer.  And he realizes that he's going to be out of the country the next six months......and maybe this is the last time he'll see his grandfather.  He asked me to visit his granddad more often, on his behalf.  And he came to me, held me tight, and cried.

And I felt like utter shit.  I've been so busy working, and then exhausted when I get home.  Then we traveled for an extended period right before the holidays, so we weren't around.  And there's tension between him and my wife, so it makes it hard when it's just the three of us together.  So, I haven't seen him enough.

My daughter is in even a more poignant spot -- she may not be home again until this time next year, so she knows that this may be her last visit with him.  They are going to have lunch together on Thursday, and then on Friday, the night before she leaves, we'll all have a going away dinner together.  That's also my mother's birthday.  That night's gonna be really fucking hard, for all of us.

I told my daughter that I have to do better.  She suggested just putting lunch on the calendar every week or two -- I go have lunch anyway, it's just as easy to meet him and visit for an hour during the week.  And I need to do better about keeping to my plan of "dinner together on Sunday night."

He's going to join us for tonight's going away dinner for my son and his friend as well, and I think that's important.

Mostly, I'm here to confess.  To unload my guilt.  And to write something down that is a promise and commitment to myself to do more, to do better, to keep myself accountable with something in writing I can look back at.  I aspire to be a good and kind person.  But I fall far, far fucking short of what I should do.  So let me be fucking angry at myself for a while, while I also try to do better going forward.

This life shit.  It's hard.

[Kennythetiger 9460]

How about having your dad spend the night(s) with you guys while the kids are still here?  
edit:  especially on your mom’s birthday. 

Edited January 4, 2022 by Kennythetiger

[Guest Lobo]

Get off your ass Brisket, and take him to Waffle House.  

Get a giveaway calendar from a bank or church or something.  A hard copy one that can hang on the beer fridge in the garage or on the filing cabinet at work.  And on it, you mark the days that you're gonna meet pops for a meal.  Write it by hand, don't type it.  So your brain remembers.  And when people say, "You need a calendar system to remember to eat with your dad, that stinks."  You tell them "It's because I have this system that I get to see him.  Who cares how I schedule it so long as we have the time together to break bread and listen?"  Or give me their names and I'll straighten them out.  

Start with something simple like that before you try to conquer "being a better son."  That's too big a mountain to climb.  start small.  and excel at it.  My father and I were estranged for many years until about 2003.  And I made it a point to call him once a month for a half hour.  And then it became every other week.  By the end of 2004, it was every week for an hour.  And he died in February 2005.  Your mom loves that you're making this attempt, so make a plan, and execute on it.  It's not about emotions or love or respect or devotion to him...you already have that.  You're just a busy middle-aged guy with shit going on, who needs an app that says, "Fuck it, drop everything, pick up Dad, get pizza and beers."  I'll text you to remind you.  Make your mom laugh at your willy-nilly attempts because eventually, they'll work.

Edited January 5, 2022 by Lobo

[PenelopeWitherspoon 19142]

@Brisketexan - I completely understand how your kids feel.  I felt that way about my Great "Uncle" (Not blood relation, but one of my grandparents' best friends so he became my Uncle) when I had to go back to school one holiday period.  It is tough.  All I can say is treasure the time.  If there is one thing COVID has taught any of us is to not take tomorrow for granted.  Nothing is assured.

When I was moving between NYC and Houston back in 2008 or so, I stayed with my folks.  My dad and I would go a couple of times a week for breakfast tacos and coffee.  When I was in Houston and would go home, we would do that at least one morning I was there.  That is one way you could spend more time with him.  Grab him for a breakfast meeting.  Heck, when my parents would visit me in Houston, my dad and I would go get breakfast while my mom was getting ready.  It was a fun thing for us to do by ourselves. 

 

[mchookem 16386]

that's tough, Brisket. the fact that you are even telling us, writing it down as you say, shows you're 'good' - your heart knows even if the business of life gets in the way. 

my mother passed 3 years ago today. i did not call or visit her (in Houston) nearly as much as i 'should' have. i don't feel particularly guilty about it. there's a lot of unresolved and unaddressed anger there, for my sister and i both. i am still working to get from 'she did a bad job' to 'she did the best she knew how'. 

 

 

[Jshep34 2321]

Do everything ya can to help your dad Brisket. Lost my dad 7.5 years ago and there isnt anything i wouldnt give to just say hi ,hug and see him play catch or watch his grandson play baseball ( he passed before ever having those opportunities). From reading what ya wrote youve done a great job raising your kids right to love and appreciate thier grandparents.

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk

[Goredho 17419]

On 1/4/2022 at 3:56 PM, Brisketexan said:

Update: I'm doing a shitty job as the son of a widowed father.

It says something about you as a son that you figured this out while there is still time to do something about it.

Most of us don’t.

['stache 21866]

My father-in-law appears to be on his deathbed right now. There's a good chance he doesn't make it to the weekend. My wife is a wreck, they were close, and he's the one person who can talk with her when she experiences mental health issues (quasi breakdowns is the best I can describe). He's a good man and has treated me well but he's been in pain for a few years now and it might just be his time. I'm an emotional cripple and feel that I am not capable of providing my wife the support she needs. Our marriage has been pretty rocky for the last two years anyway, I am scared to death over what the next week or two might mean for us. I'm doing everything I can to help and feel like I might be incapable of providing what she needs. But I'm trying, god damn life is hard sometimes.

Not to derail from Brisket's ongoing struggles, I wish nothing but the best for you and others in these positions. It might just be starting for me. Death is hard, and the club is large, hang in there Brisket.

Edited January 6, 2022 by 'stache

[Brisketexan 105336]

7 minutes ago, 'stache said:

My father-in-law appears to be on his deathbed right now. There's a good chance he doesn't make it to the weekend. My wife is a wreck, they were close, and he's the one person who can talk with her when she experiences mental health issues (quasi breakdowns is the best I can describe). He's a good man and has treated me well but he's been in pain for a few years now and it might just be his time. I'm an emotional cripple and feel that I am not capable of providing my wife the support she needs. Our marriage has been pretty rocky for the last two years anyway, I am scared to death over what the next week or two might mean for us. I'm doing everything I can to help and feel like I might be incapable of providing what she needs. But I'm trying, god damn life is hard sometimes.

Not to derail from Brisket's ongoing struggles, I wish nothing but the best for you and others in these positions. It might just be starting for me. Death is hard, and the club is large, hang in there Brisket.

Get a good counselor for you and your wife.  Like, now.  Can't tell you how much that can help, but be proactive.  Don't wait to call the fire department until the whole house  is in flames.

[BabaYaga 15320]

9 minutes ago, 'stache said:

My father-in-law appears to be on his deathbed right now. There's a good chance he doesn't make it to the weekend. My wife is a wreck, they were close, and he's the one person who can talk with her when she experiences mental health issues (quasi breakdowns is the best I can describe). He's a good man and has treated me well but he's been in pain for a few years now and it might just be his time. I'm an emotional cripple and feel that I am not capable of providing my wife the support she needs. Our marriage has been pretty rocky for the last two years anyway, I am scared to death over what the next week or two might mean for us. I'm doing everything I can to help and feel like I might be incapable of providing what she needs. But I'm trying, god damn life is hard sometimes.

Not to derail from Brisket's ongoing struggles, I wish nothing but the best for you and others in these positions. It might just be starting for me. Death is hard, and the club is large, hang in there Brisket.

As stated, it's time to bring in professionals.  My mom is a LPC, and will be the first one to tell you there needs to be a "fit" between patient and therapist.  You may cycle through more than a few in your search to find the right one.  Be proactive.  Attack this as you would anything else.  Reminds of the old adage:  "God hits a moving target"

Quote

get up and go; why are you delaying? Get up and be baptized, and wash aways your sins, calling on His name.

 In the end, we can only walk our own path.  Hopefully you and your wife's path converge.  They may also diverge at times.  Be the rock that she needs in times of crisis.  It's hard.  It's unbelievably hard.  But there are avenues for help available to you both.  

Good luck my man and God speed.  

[Gatorubet 30313]

Get off your ass Brisket, and take him to Waffle House.  

Or show him the Sugar Babies thread. Either or.

[Gatorubet 30313]

My father-in-law appears to be on his deathbed right now. There's a good chance he doesn't make it to the weekend. My wife is a wreck, they were close, and he's the one person who can talk with her when she experiences mental health issues (quasi breakdowns is the best I can describe). He's a good man and has treated me well but he's been in pain for a few years now and it might just be his time. I'm an emotional cripple and feel that I am not capable of providing my wife the support she needs. Our marriage has been pretty rocky for the last two years anyway, I am scared to death over what the next week or two might mean for us. I'm doing everything I can to help and feel like I might be incapable of providing what she needs. But I'm trying, god damn life is hard sometimes.
Not to derail from Brisket's ongoing struggles, I wish nothing but the best for you and others in these positions. It might just be starting for me. Death is hard, and the club is large, hang in there Brisket.

Hang in there man. Brisket too. You are both good people.