Tales From The Board Roam: Surly Executive Thread of Dominance

[GlenFromTheMailRoom 1604]

Haven't seen anything like this yet, so I'll take the first pass.

Company was bought out by large P.E. firm last year in what was a fairly large transaction  > $3bn.  Product organization was a real shit show prior to buyout and continued to be that way post buyout.  Head of Product is utterly incompetent and focuses too much on innovation rather than rigor.  Products turn to shit and growth nose dives (8% YoY to less than 1%).  Lots of finger pointing ensues and the board steps in.  Within the first hour of the meeting, board realizes head of product hasn't produced a product roadmap in over 2 years and instead shows them all the new stuff he's working on.  Board gets incredible hulk level pissed and basically puts baby in the corner.  They tell the CEO to let him keep innovating but not to expect the board to approve anything in the next 200 days.  Head of product's responsibilities gets divided amongst other exec's and magically a 200 day product roadmap is produced in under 24 hours.  Head of product has fallen off the map and hasn't been heard from since meeting. 

Never seen a more public shaming and nut-clipping of an individual in such a public setting.  It was unreal.

[next2naus 439]

neato

[TwiceHorn 31450]

I would have to guess that that is an unusual situation because the CEO should have sniffed that out and dealt with it long before it got to the board.  They probably ought to be looking at a new CEO.

[Blotto 23497]

2 minutes ago, TwiceHorn said:

I would have to guess that that is an unusual situation because the CEO should have sniffed that out and dealt with it long before it got to the board.  They probably ought to be looking at a new CEO.

Beat me to it. CEO likely gets paid a lot of money to ensure his leadership team is actually getting shit done. If the product turned to shit in 2 years and it was up to the board to figure out that the head of product doesnt have a clue, the CEO needs to GTFO as well. 

[LonghornJones 837]

One time I had to fill in for my friend at a big meeting of his while he was off professing his love for his old Model UN partner from junior high. I had to convince the board that this millionaire wheels off, adrenaline junky of a guy was, indeed, worth insuring. Needless to say, I got the job done, and my confidence was built back up to new heights. 

[Celery Man 20934]

I used to invent lots of stuff and spend the rest of my time surfing.  I met this old dude who turned out to be a super wealthy business guy.  He croaked and left me his business, which was crazy but I got to develop some products in the food/entertainment and illumination spaces.  Anyways, the guy's shithead nephew started saying some really slanderous stuff about my inventions, trying to take me down and wrest back control - I had to come up with another crazy invention to prove how full of shit the guy was, and he ended up getting arrested.  It was nuts, ended up ruining the chick from Melrose Place's career.

[Brothahorn 10087]

Our Houston director was bragging to the other directors on a conference call about how he got an order for 257,500 MT. Well, come to find out the Euro's put their commas in funny places.

[troph 24783]

I once disclosed the details of a board meeting on a message board and then got sued for breach of my fiduciary duties. It was a lot of fun, I’d do it again for sure.

[hayden_horn 11362]

how the fuck is the mail room guy starting a board room thread?

[SizzleChest 8283]

11 minutes ago, hayden_horn said:

how the fuck is the mail room guy starting a board room thread?

They need the toilet sometimes.

[Newdoc 3439]

In the early 80's I was a businessman who worked for commodities brokerage firm run by these two brothers. They were always fought about whether making it in business was due to your innate ability or a product of your environment.  One day, I ran into a street hustler named Billy who I assume was trying to rob me.  Called the cops and had him arrested. That's when the owners,  the two brothers decided to make a wager as to what would happen if I lost my job, and was shunned by everyone I know and then give Billy my job. So they proceed to have me arrested and to be placed in a compromising position in front of my then girlfriend. Basically, the only person who befriended me was the hooker they used to set me up.

Yada, Yada, Yada, Billy and I figured out the scheme and showed those brothers that we weren't pawns in their game.

[TornACL 7698]

13 minutes ago, hayden_horn said:

how the fuck is the mail room guy starting a board room thread?

Clearly you're not familiar with the exploits of one Carlton Whitfield.

[clapclapclap 9000]

18 minutes ago, hayden_horn said:

how the fuck is the mail room guy starting a board room thread?

"Sorry, say what?  Who?"

 

Edited May 7, 2018 by clapclapclap

[deadshank 24652]

22 minutes ago, hayden_horn said:

how the fuck is the mail room guy starting a board room thread?

 

[Judge Roybeanbag 11819]

Once, when we were having a board meeting in the big boy conference room on Monday, I ordered Conan’s Savage on Friday, with extra anchovies in the little plastic containers.  Poked holes in them with a pencil and taped them under the conference table.   They were ripe on Monday.   I left that job shortly after.  

[wd40 1976]

as I find myself more and more in direct contact with different managers and executives over the years, I find that my confidence in and respect for them as leaders and decision makers continues to erode.

but there have been a few good ones I've worked with.  it's just a shame to seem them get sucked into the bullshit games so many of the others play. 

[Judge Roybeanbag 11819]

5 minutes ago, wd40 said:

as I find myself more and more in direct contact with different managers and executives over the years, I find that my confidence in and respect for them as leaders and decision makers continues to erode.

but there have been a few good ones I've worked with.  it's just a shame to seem them get sucked into the bullshit games so many of the others play. 

Well when there is a $50k or so bonus for making numbers, it tends to make people make decisions that might be detrimental to the long term health of the company. 

[wd40 1976]

see, that's a non-synergistic attitude.  sounds like you need some special, high-intensity training so we can all be on the same page, at the end of the day.

[Call 393]

I created a big ticket item with a value that hasn't been established.

Let's say for argument's sake that you possess a unique business tool. It can only be sold one time. The tool is so unique that its value or the value of similar tools has never been firmly established. 

You've identified say 40 companies across the country that would instantly recognize that the tool is worth something to them. You can easily contact responsible parties in a two-day period.

For argument's sake, let's say the tool is worth fifty grand a year to you, but you suspect that it might well bring in a cool half million from the right buyer, more if you can get them bidding against each other, and you wouldn't mind cashing out. You won't under any circumstances sell for less than a hundred grand.

[TwiceHorn 31450]

42 minutes ago, wd40 said:

see, that's a non-synergistic attitude.  sounds like you need some special, high-intensity training so we can all be on the same page, at the end of the day.

Or we're gonna have to circle back, hit some milestones, and think outside the box.

[Prepuce of Doom 21065]

50 minutes ago, Call said:

I created a big ticket item with a value that hasn't been established.

Let's say for argument's sake that you possess a unique business tool. It can only be sold one time. The tool is so unique that its value or the value of similar tools has never been firmly established. 

You've identified say 40 companies across the country that would instantly recognize that the tool is worth something to them. You can easily contact responsible parties in a two-day period.

For argument's sake, let's say the tool is worth fifty grand a year to you, but you suspect that it might well bring in a cool half million from the right buyer, more if you can get them bidding against each other, and you wouldn't mind cashing out. You won't under any circumstances sell for less than a hundred grand.

Is this your tool, or are you just copying and pasting the origin of that spectacular thread? 

Either way, we really need an update on this undertaking. 

[troph 24783]

Or we're gonna have to circle back, hit some milestones, and think outside the box.

YoY 8% at least if you’re the CEO and want to attract PE for a fairly large (e.g. >$3bn) transaction.

 

[Mole 4330]

Years ago I worked in data entry for a toy company. One day I ran into the CEO at a toy store and impressed him so much that he made me VP in charge of product development. I blew off my best friend to be molested by an older woman and then quit my job and went to an amusement park.

[Parliament 14255]

I was the right-hand man of the CEO of a large, successful company, and his heir-apparent.  His only son was a worthless little shit.  Spent the whole day getting drunk and throwing pickles.

Well, when the time came, that old geezer flaked out and decided to give his boy ONE more chance.  He got on my nerves, and yeah, I flaked out a bit, but that's NO excuse take away my rightful place.  Do you have any idea how many handjobs I had to give out to get to where I'm at?

Anyway, it all went to shit and here I am at a truckstop.  Giving out handjobs.  #irony

[wd40 1976]

swam would have dominated this thread.

me?  I was inspired by a prostitute to build ships for the Navy.  no gerbils were harmed...recently.

[Judge Roybeanbag 11819]

At the end of the day, its the end of the fucking day.  

[Call 393]

1 hour ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Is this your tool, or are you just copying and pasting the origin of that spectacular thread? 

Either way, we really need an update on this undertaking. 

It’s all Ice Cream Float and unfortunately cut/paste with no ending to his original thread. 

[Steel Shank 9422]

What time is HH?

[Prepuce of Doom 21065]

7 minutes ago, Call said:

It’s all Ice Cream Float and unfortunately cut/paste with no ending to his original thread. 

Thanks. 

I've lit the Ice Cream Float signal in CYHMWT. 

[deadshank 24652]

1 hour ago, Parliament said:

I was the right-hand man of the CEO of a large, successful company, and his heir-apparent.  His only son was a worthless little shit.  Spent the whole day getting drunk and throwing pickles.

Well, when the time came, that old geezer flaked out and decided to give his boy ONE more chance.  He got on my nerves, and yeah, I flaked out a bit, but that's NO excuse take away my rightful place.  Do you have any idea how many handjobs I had to give out to get to where I'm at?

Anyway, it all went to shit and here I am at a truckstop.  Giving out handjobs.  #irony

Kinda like Gladiator?

[52-80 19150]

My job is so fucking unbelievable.

I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

[Parliament 14255]

9 hours ago, deadshank said:

Kinda like Gladiator?

Holy shit, you're right.

[Rockwell Torrey 1280]

1 hour ago, 52-80 said:

My job is so fucking unbelievable.

I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

I love your job.  You should make a cartoon series about it.

[Nice Guy Eddie 13510]

1 hour ago, 52-80 said:

My job is so fucking unbelievable.

I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

stop wearing an ascot every day. or any day.

Edited May 8, 2018 by Nice Guy Eddie

[SHOOTER12 8800]

15 hours ago, Newdoc said:

In the early 80's I was a businessman who worked for commodities brokerage firm run by these two brothers. They were always fought about whether making it in business was due to your innate ability or a product of your environment.  One day, I ran into a street hustler named Billy who I assume was trying to rob me.  Called the cops and had him arrested. That's when the owners,  the two brothers decided to make a wager as to what would happen if I lost my job, and was shunned by everyone I know and then give Billy my job. So they proceed to have me arrested and to be placed in a compromising position in front of my then girlfriend. Basically, the only person who befriended me was the hooker they used to set me up.

Yada, Yada, Yada, Billy and I figured out the scheme and showed those brothers that we weren't pawns in their game.

"Mongo just pawn in game of life"

[Mez2 4023]

 had a co-worker get called by the head of our organization for a meeting with him and other superiors after my co-worker got busted for a DUI. as part of his punishment, he had to volunteer coaching an inner city peewee ice hockey team made up of a bunch of misfits. anyway,  my buddy at first just goes through the motions as a coach but manages to start winning a few games here and there. he has a legal background and turns out a rival team was using a player, probably the best player in the league, illegally as he was zone to my buddy's team. this cake eater ends up helping them win the entire city championship and my buddy quits his job and tries his skills as a minor league hockey player.

come to find out, we was porking the mom of one of his players. you would think that was the end of it, but no, turns out, this guy eventually gets called by USA Hockey to lead their team in the junior olympic goodwill games where they end up winning thanks to a knucklepuck from the fat black kid from Saturday Night live and the aforementioned cake eater. 

Edited May 8, 2018 by Mez2

[JimmyHoffa 1188]

21 hours ago, deadshank said:

 

 

Had a thing for Helen Slater growing up she was in about every mid to late 80's , not bad for 55-