Military Boot Camp Funny Stories from Reddit

[crash_davis 23115]

Pretty damn funny storeis.

 

Tom_Jews

Rifle range week in the pits. Two DIs walk towards each other. An echo of "Good morning, sir!" as they walk past each recruit. Until they converge on one.

"Good morning, sir!"

"Sir? Bitch I know there's two of us."

"Aye, sir!"

"Oh, so fuck me, right?"

"No, sir."

"Then fuck him?"

"No, sir."

"Well, it has to be one of us. So which is it [recruit], fuck me or fuck him?

5

4

3"

"Fuck him, sir."

Both DIs, making no attempt to conceal it, start bursting into laughter. The one who made him say it stumbles away in tears. The fuck him DI collects himself and provides some incentive training to the kid.

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odomotto

Recruit fired all his blank ammo during "ambush response" training. He crawled in ditch to opposite where the aggressors were, and started throwing rocks at them. DI came running in middle of the road blowing his whistle and screaming "what the fuck are you doing?'. Recruit screamed back," throwing hand grenades drill sergeant.' With out missing a beat, the DI screamed "out fucking standing." and walked away.

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CrabJam_102

In Navy bootcamp we have a thing before Battlestations called Amnesty Night. This is where we confess all the dumb shit we managed to get away with to our RDCs and not get in trouble. Our chief had a lisp, which we all talked shit about throughout boot camp, but never in front of him. We had a pretty short guy named Patterson that could do a perfect impression of our chief. Patterson proceeded to stand up in the middle of Foreward IG and said "Why the fuck do I have to keep touching your dirty asth sthkivysth? You mother fuckerths make me sthick". The enitre division was dying, the RDCs were in tears about to fall out of their chairs. When everything quietened down, our chief looked at us and said "I fucking hate you guyths, but that wath fucking funny". The entire division proceeded to die again

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[deleted]

Doing a ruck march in basic training, wearing the patrol cap since we are at Heat Cat 5...aka it’s really hot outside. There’s a kid walking with his hat sort of coming off his head, with the brim pointed upward.

Recruit is told that the hat must be worn where the cap band is parallel to the marching service.

Recruit calmly states that we’re currently walking uphill.

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busdriverjoe

I ordered the platoon to form up facing West. One troop asked, "Master corporal, our West or your West?" I just walked away angrily and let his peers sort him out. I came out of my office and they were facing East...

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DenFoze

Not a DS but doing my best to translate ranks etc. from Finnish military: I served as an instructor for new conscripts during the latter half of my own conscript service.

We were testing how well the new conscripts had learned the ranks of our military. They would wait in line and when it was their turn I'd show them a piece of paper with the symbol of a rank in it. They would adress me properly, tell their name and say the rank. For example: "Sir Corporal sir, conscript last name, a Captain."

The rank depicted on the piece of paper I showed was Corporal, which was also my rank and thus on my jacket, very visibly. The new conscript first adressed me "Sir general sir". I raised an eyebrow and he quickly tried to fix his mistake: "sir second general sir" (a rank that would be right below general if it existed, which it does not). The conscript behind him made a chuckle so he fixed his mistake again saying "Sir corporal sir, conscript last name, I don't remember the rank you are showing". I said "You just said it." He went quiet in thought for a few seconds, then happily said "a conscript!"

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pikkmarg

We had a strict rule to write official documents with a blue pen. It is a NATO standard and has its excuses but all in all, it’s one of those things.

I had checked about 200 lines of weapons check-outs and in’s when at the bottom of the page(it has 50 on one side of the page) there was one entry in black. As you would imagine I found out who it was pretty quickly. Given the entry had his name and weapon number staring right at me.

Now the military has this thing where you go through ‘basic training’ for everything. I mean if you are given a pair of speakers, you are mandated to read the safety and usage instructions and give a signature for it, so they can’t be held liable to some degree.

This absolute piece of twig and sap looks at me with the most uncanny look when i confronted him about it. After a bit of friendly banter in-front of his whole room i ask: “So what is your excuse for using black ink?”.

“Sir, i’ve yet to get the formal safety and usage training for the blue pen, sir!”

He rewrote all 100 entries in blue pen that evening after being the only soldier to get training to use a blue pen instead of a black one. But man. That was a special moment where all the muscles in my face were fighting not to laugh.

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horse_you_rode_in_on

·3m·edited 3m

I had a particularly troublesome private who (for a long, complicated set of reasons involving - and this is key - a lack of judgment) I had required to stand fire picket outside of a port-a-john immediately adjacent to the brigade CP I was running. I gave him a clip-board with an approved access list and required him to log all authorized visitors in and out of the john, which was the only real (read not a hole in the ground) facility anywhere for at least ten kilometres. He didn't much like his job, but that was kind of the point.

Being the CP for the whole FTX, VIP visitors were to be expected. We had the brigade commander pull up and take the usual tour of CP - she looked at the master event list, checked where everybody was, called someone on the radio "to make sure that it worked" but really just to call herself Sunray etc. That done, she excused herself to take advantage of the only toilette in the AOO. She returned a surprisingly long while later, made a cryptic comment about the facilities, collected her sergeant major and left.

It was at that point that I remembered that I'd left a borderline idiot posted up outside of the shitter. When I asked him what had happened, the following interaction occurred:

"The colonel wanted to use the john, sergeant!"

Fine, I told him, but what took her so long?

"I refused her access, sergeant!"

I was about to ask him why the apocryphal fuck anyone would do such a thing when I saw his white knuckles on the clip-board, and the answer became obvious: he had questionable judgment and she hadn't been on the access list. Trying to keep my cool, I asked him what she had thought about that.

"She was very nice sergeant, said I was right to challenge her on that!"

Ok, I said, and then what?

"Then she told me to get the fuck out of her way or she was going to take a shit in my hat, sergeant."

And did she take a shit in your hat, private?

I swear to god I think I saw him start to check. It was lucky for us that she had a sense of humour about it, but maybe not so lucky for him.

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DatBoiGames

Crying while doing push ups, gets asked “Why are you crying?”

Answer: I’m not crying sir, my eyes are sweating

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foxhoundep3

We had just finished our obstacle course and we were lined up in the squad bay getting ready to be hazed for sure, the guide was just fired he couldn’t complete the course. Drill instructors were pissed!! (Guide is the guy who is up front with the flag in the platoon - Marines)

Drill instructor asked “who in here wants to be the guide??”

Everyone quiet, you could only hear the previous guide getting quarterdecked (they make you do exercises and yelling at you) and sounds of things slamming and other recruits yelling in other squad bays.

Out of nowhere this dude says “I think “The Rock” should be the guide”

Drill instructor snapped a turn and got right on his face. Then asked him “who the fuck is The Rock??”

At this point I closed my eyes and I just said under my breath...... “fuck”. I had no idea it would be so obvious even at boot camp. People had always told me I looked like Dwayne Johnson.

This guy proceeded to say my name and then the drill instructor got right on my face and asked me to do the eyebrow.

Normally I would do it joking with friends and family, but this time it was an order. It felt different, I knew I couldn’t laugh after.

He had the hardest face while looking at me, and I proceeded to do the eyebrow, his Campaign cover snapped down so fast as soon as I did it, you could tell that he was holding his laugh and a few recruits couldn’t hold their curiosity and also smirked. I could tell as my eyes wondered for like half a second.

He put his fingers up to my face without saying anything, his Cover still down, you couldn’t see his face. He walked away. Everyone was quiet, nobody was moving.

A minute later he comes back with the other two drill instructors. And proceeds to ask me to do the eyebrow again, all looking at me like they hate me.

I did the eyebrow.

They all smirked and tried so hard to not laugh and proceeded to walk away toward their office as fast as they could. Once in there you could heard their laughs again and again and how the whole mood change for everyone that day.

We still got hazed and yelled at. I became the Guide and The Rock in the same day.

Good times.

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1WomanSOP

Obligatory not a DS:

We were on the grenade training range in groups of 3. This is where there are various stations where you and your group have to throw dummy grenades at things. When you're the one throwing, you were supposed to yell to your group: "Cover me while I throw my grenade!" This one guy from the south with an accent to match yelled "Cover me while I throw this here grenade!" before he lobbed it. I had never seen the DS monitoring that station laugh so hard.

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Sure_lll_Eat_That

I went through OCS a couple years back. Our RDC was a stickler for making sure that our socks were pulled all the way up during PT and would routinely yell at candidates to pull their socks up by yelling "MOTIVATE YOUR SOCKS." A couple days into OCS and we're doing PT and the RDC spots a girl with her socks bunched at her ankles. He rushes over and gets in her face and requests that she motivate her socks. She, being new, has no idea what this means yet. He yells it again and she started to panic. She looks down at her socks and yells at the top of her lungs "YOU CAN DO IT SOCKS!"

RDC does an about face and despite his best attempt he absolutely loses it while trying to make a hasty exit.

 

 

[Guest]

every morning after morning chow, we had 'field day' in the squad bay, or basically morning clean up. One of the recruits in our platoon was sweeping or mopping  the quarterdeck, the open area by the front door,  when the Battalion Executive Officer walks in.  The recruit knows when an officer comes on deck, it's a big fucking deal, but in boot camp fashion, freezes. The XO, trying to get the recruit to offer the customary, "Good Morning, Sir!" asks the Private  what he should do next.  The guy thinks about it momentarily, pops his mop/ broom to order arms, down by his right foot and renders what he thinks is  a perfect salute like the middle picture below, only sans rifle It is not a real salute, but simply a part of the movement to Order Arms. .  XO did acknowledge the effort, but then had to excuse himself- but did not make it outside before busting out laughing.

Edited July 26, 2021 by slorch

[Sandman 3412]

On 7/26/2021 at 12:57 AM, slorch said:

every morning after morning chow, we had 'field day' in the squad bay, or basically morning clean up. One of the recruits in our platoon was sweeping or mopping  the quarterdeck, the open area by the front door,  when the Battalion Executive Officer walks in.  The recruit knows when an officer comes on deck, it's a big fucking deal, but in boot camp fashion, freezes. The XO, trying to get the recruit to offer the customary, "Good Morning, Sir!" asks the Private  what he should do next.  The guy thinks about it momentarily, pops his mop/ broom to order arms, down by his right foot and renders what he thinks is  a perfect salute like the middle picture below, only sans rifle It is not a real salute, but simply a part of the movement to Order Arms. .  XO did acknowledge the effort, but then had to excuse himself- but did not make it outside before busting out laughing.

We had a LT come by after lights out one night. The firewatch was supposed to greet him with "ATTENTION ON DECK, GOOD EVENING, SIR" but he said something to the effect of "um...hello". The SDI was there and he came out, obviously pissed. He was only there for a minute or two and I heard him say to the SDI "Does he know what to do when I leave?", in a tone of just pure sarcasm and contempt for the kid. SDI says "You know what Sir, I just don't know.". Dude got bent the next day and we all got a lecture. 

[MissingInAction 25187]

I've got many, but thisbis my favorite.

Time for morning PT and today is muscle failure day, which means push ups and sit ups until your muscles literally stop working. Since that meant no running i didn't bother with my jock strap. 

 I'm fairly well endowed so running without one is torture. 

We form up  and the DS decides we are doing calisthenics instead today. Start out with lunges, stretches, and then motherfucking jumping jacks.

After a couple sets I am in pain from my balls slapping around. It was hot so they were hanging low that day.

DS is watching my face contort with every jump.

"Private MIA, what the fuck is wrong with you?!"

"DS, I don't have my jock strap on today, DS!"

"Its that big huh?" He says with a chuckle, "Run your ass to the barracks and get the proper gear!"

[Hook1997 5402]

13 minutes ago, MissingInAction said:

I've got many, but thisbis my favorite.

Time for morning PT and today is muscle failure day, which means push ups and sit ups until your muscles literally stop working. Since that meant no running i didn't bother with my jock strap. 

 I'm fairly well endowed so running without one is torture. 

We form up  and the DS decides we are doing calisthenics instead today. Start out with lunges, stretches, and then motherfucking jumping jacks.

After a couple sets I am in pain from my balls slapping around. It was hot so they were hanging low that day.

DS is watching my face contort with every jump.

"Private MIA, what the fuck is wrong with you?!"

"DS, I don't have my jock strap on today, DS!"

"Its that big huh?" He says with a chuckle, "Run your ass to the barracks and get the proper gear!"

 

[TexEx15 17568]

From my USAF basic training.

During an unannounced dorm inspection our Section Supervisor, nicknamed Satan, was looking through wall lockers.  He happens to stop at a trainee who was on the body fat management program so he was already getting hell.  He opened the locker and found the BDUs hung incorrectly.  He then looked at the clothing drawer and said it looked like someone took a shit in his clothing drawer.  He then proceeded to grab all his BDUs and throw them out the second story window.

Another time while marching that same Section Supervisor, without being given command of the flight, called out a random command.  Our whole flight ignored it correctly except the fucking guidon barer.  After the obligatory screaming the MSGt grabbed the guidon and threw it like a javelin.  He made the trainee go get on his hands and knees and apologize to the guidon for cheating on it.

From a friends USAF basic training verified by other eyewitnesses during Tech School - otherwise I would not believe.

A couple of nights after arriving he was singing god blessed Texas in the shower.  TI says oh god blessed Texas huh.  Why don’t you get on the ground and push it.  He tried to do shallow pushups to avoid touching the floor but TI said nope and put his boot on his back and him go down until he was slapping the floor.

Same guy gets called into the flight office in between the bays shortly before lights out.  You always had to go to bed in uniform, which depended on time of year.  Warmer months was PT clothes for morning PT.  Colder months was whitey tighties and brown T-shirt since PT was in the afternoon you would start in BDUs.  This was during the colder months so he was in whitey tighties and t-shirt.  Guy proceeds to pull out one testicle and runs to the flight office slams to attention in front of the TI  who is sitting at his desk and hits his reporting statement all while his nut is hanging out.  

[Clintonaldo 2576]

A coworker with last name Erby told me about his first day of basic where they are calling your name to get off the bus and the Instructor says Furby... no answer.... Furby.... no answer. Coworker says sir do you mean Erby? Instructor just unleashes on him saying goddamnit Furby are you trying to say I can’t read? You are Furby from now on and he was. 

[Jiggy-Z 3435]

Told by my brother from his army basic training:

There was this dude in his platoon or whatever they call it, that was a dim bulb.  His name was Klegums. Despite having 20/20 vision he insisted on aiming his rifle with eye opposite the stock and could not shoot worth a shit.  So he was already on the shit list with the drill sergeant. Its kind of an hilarious visual when you think about it.

Then later, Kelgums gets caught jacking it to to some kind of science fiction magazine and is written up or an article 37 for misuse of government property.  Drill sergeant finds out and calls Klegums out in front of everybody in the barracks:  "Goddammit Klegums, whats this I hear about you jacking off to space ships and robots?"  Kelgums doesn't answer and drill sergeant hands him a normal skin magazine.  "here, use this next time, when you get out of basic ".

Klegums ends up being the flag bearer for the platoon in some kind of final parade they do because he could not stay in step, so they figured it was best if he was by himself out front.  Ended up being a big mistake because word had gotten around about his article 37 and rather than being hidden and unnoticed,  he was out there for all to see and recognize.  As my brother's platoon marched through the parade all the spectators were pointing and laughing at Klegums, making the "jack off" motion and moving their arms around like robots.  Klegums was, of course, oblivious to the whole thing and was proudly marching out of step all by himself out front.

Drill sergeant was so pissed off and humiliated, he made Klegums repeat.

[Marfa Low Crown 2548]

I don’t think I read them all but everything I read was hilarious.

when our DS was  smoking one or two individuals for... whatever, he would make us guess what he liked on his cheeseburger while we were pushing. 😂

me: drill sergeant Hammond you like mayonnaise lettuce and pickles on your cheeseburger

him: I don’t like no damn mayonnaise low crown.. push!

we kept copious notes on his dietary preferences .We shared them as an entire platoon but the problem is that what he liked on his cheeseburger changed every single time he did it to us

fn hilarious 😂 

 

 

[Guest]

On 7/30/2021 at 12:31 PM, TexEx15 said:

From my USAF basic training.

During an unannounced dorm inspection our Section Supervisor, nicknamed Satan, was looking through wall lockers.  He happens to stop at a trainee who was on the body fat management program so he was already getting hell.  He opened the locker and found the BDUs hung incorrectly.  He then looked at the clothing drawer and said it looked like someone took a shit in his clothing drawer.  He then proceeded to grab all his BDUs and throw them out the second story window.

Another time while marching that same Section Supervisor, without being given command of the flight, called out a random command.  Our whole flight ignored it correctly except the fucking guidon barer.  After the obligatory screaming the MSGt grabbed the guidon and threw it like a javelin.  He made the trainee go get on his hands and knees and apologize to the guidon for cheating on it.

From a friends USAF basic training verified by other eyewitnesses during Tech School - otherwise I would not believe.

A couple of nights after arriving he was singing god blessed Texas in the shower.  TI says oh god blessed Texas huh.  Why don’t you get on the ground and push it.  He tried to do shallow pushups to avoid touching the floor but TI said nope and put his boot on his back and him go down until he was slapping the floor.

Same guy gets called into the flight office in between the bays shortly before lights out.  You always had to go to bed in uniform, which depended on time of year.  Warmer months was PT clothes for morning PT.  Colder months was whitey tighties and brown T-shirt since PT was in the afternoon you would start in BDUs.  This was during the colder months so he was in whitey tighties and t-shirt.  Guy proceeds to pull out one testicle and runs to the flight office slams to attention in front of the TI  who is sitting at his desk and hits his reporting statement all while his nut is hanging out.  

Unannounced dorm inspection in boot camp.

 

tee-hee.

[MissingInAction 25187]

14 minutes ago, slorch said:

Unannounced dorm inspection in boot camp.

 

tee-hee.

No shit. Doesn't chair force basic get leave on the weekends?

[TexEx15 17568]

9 hours ago, slorch said:

Unannounced dorm inspection in boot camp.

 

tee-hee.

 

9 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

No shit. Doesn't chair force basic get leave on the weekends?

Look I’m sorry y’all didn’t score high enough on your ASVAB to have the choice.  Talk to your local school board about that.  Besides, they didn’t serve crayons in the chow hall so you would not have liked it anyways.

[Felix 607]

I'm telling on myself here unfortunately.  Did OSUT at Ft. Knox so basic/AIT combined for tankers.  My cousin was married to a Captain who was in JMOC school there at the time and he, being a really cool guy, and also urged by my cousin came to visit me on like the 2nd Sunday I was there.  I'm minding my business cleaning shit or whatever we were doing in the barracks when the runner come up and says DS wants you at the CQ desk.  I shag my ass down there and there's 4 Hats there staring at me as I come around the corner.  I'm wondering WTF and then I see CPT L standing there in civies.  Totally choked when I saw him and said "Chris!  What are you doing here?"  I thought those guys were going to stroke out. 

CPT L takes me out to the parking lot to see my cuz and ask me if I need anything and all I can think of is "Those guys are going to roast me when I get back in there."  Had a nice 15 minute visit, they promised to bring me some M&M's or some shit and back in I go to face the music.  Only one left there is my Senior DS and his eyes are as big as saucers when I walk in.  First thing out of his mouth is "Chris?  Chris?  Don't you mean Captain L?"  He hit me for 20 but his heart wasn't in it and that was last I heard of it, which shocked the hell out of me.

Got my M&M's the next week too.

[MissingInAction 25187]

2 hours ago, TexEx15 said:

 

Look I’m sorry y’all didn’t score high enough on your ASVAB to have the choice.  Talk to your local school board about that.  Besides, they didn’t serve crayons in the chow hall so you would not have liked it anyways.

Air force was my first choice but they were pushing air sea rescue so hard I checked out what the Army was offering. They said with my scores I could do anything I wanted so I chose satellite/ mic operations. 

We too had an intellectually challenged private who literally did not know his right from his left. We formed up alphabetically so were were always in the same position. 

We took white out and painted a L and R on the back heels of the boots of the guy who always marched in front of him. It worked. Dude never took his eyes off those letters. 

We even won the drill competition at the end of basic.

[Sgt Hulk 13840]

Dear god I have so many of these   Good times the best times I’ll never want to have again 

[Sgt Hulk 13840]

On 8/4/2021 at 11:27 AM, TexEx15 said:

 

Look I’m sorry y’all didn’t score high enough on your ASVAB to have the choice.  Talk to your local school board about that.  Besides, they didn’t serve crayons in the chow hall so you would not have liked it anyways.

Myninja 

[Guest]

On 8/4/2021 at 10:27 AM, TexEx15 said:

 

Look I’m sorry y’all didn’t score high enough on your ASVAB to have the choice.  Talk to your local school board about that.  Besides, they didn’t serve crayons in the chow hall so you would not have liked it anyways.

Not a golfer either, so there's that aspect of the AF i wouldn't have enjoyed.

ASVAB smacktalk is funny though...  the fucking ASVAB?  Really?

[Guest]

[Sandman 3412]

11 hours ago, slorch said:

I don't see a 45 degree angle on those footprints. Did they outsource to China or something?