Life Pro Tips, Dad edition

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4976]

[High Plains Drifter 11050]

 

pull your pants up, you look like a goddamn idjit.

 

(not you OP, that's my dad life pro tip)

[F250 28777]

Sex is like Chinese food. It's not over until both of you get your cookies.

 

[Kennythetiger 9388]

Never bet on a horse named Tripod. 

[dingleberryswitzer 2724]

Zip ties work great for pony tails.  

[Hanrahan 1306]

Tuck in your fucking shirt! (Curse omitted).

[JohnnyRage 1617]

No training wheels, ever.

[Victor Lazlo 1777]

[Parliament 14260]

Check your tail lights before you go to the bar.  Don't give the cops a reason to pull you over drunk.

[CooterBrown 18014]

Lock your bedroom door before you jerk it.

[staboner 4975]

in a game of tennis always bet against the heterosexual

Edited August 31, 2021 by staboner

[Paco 1934]

If you're gonna be stupid you better be tough.

[ConferenceRoom 6141]

12 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:

 

pull your pants up, you look like a goddamn idjit.

 

(not you OP, that's my dad life pro tip)

 

[davidg 4038]

If you're gonna be around stupid people doing stupid shit, be the one taking the video and not the one starring in it.

[Sgt Hulk 13727]

9 hours ago, CooterBrown said:

Lock your bedroom door before you jerk it.

so important,

 

i also recall explaining to my wife why she could no longer just barge into my sons room when he turned 13, she may regret it some day 

[BabaYaga 15299]

Sweep the leg!

[52-80 19161]

dont insert your penis in the company ink?

[babysdaddy 2725]

Don't ever pay for pussy, there will always be some sweet girl willing to give it away for free

[BabaYaga 15299]

You only use one hand.  So pay attention.

Assuming that you are facing her, take one hand behind her underneath her clothing.

• Then slide your index finger from top between the bra and back, so that your nail is actually facing her skin.
• Using your index finger gently pull the straps of her bra from her back, thereby creating a smallish gap between her back and the bra.
• Then, use your middle finger and your thumb to squeeze the bra inwards. Once you have done this, remove the index finger.
• Now move the thumb outwards and the middle finger inwards in a snapping motion, which just pull the eyelets out of the hooks.

[BabaYaga 15299]

4 minutes ago, babysdaddy said:

here will always be some sweet girl willing to give it away for free

Mmmmmm, sort of

[JohnnyRage 1617]

If we are being serious, almost 6 year old boy:

 

Son what are the two rules of life?

”Learn to love yourself so that you can love others.  And 2, you must obey The Funk.”

 

Son, tell me the rules about guns.

”A weapon is just a tool, like a hammer it needs a hand to pick it up. Guns are for target practice, hunting, and to save your life. They are not for when you’re mad, when you’re sad, or for shooting bad guys.”

 

 

 

 

[Judge Roybeanbag 11819]

13 hours ago, F250 said:

Sex is like Chinese food. It's not over until both of you get your cookies.

 

And you're horny again 30 minutes later.

[Steel Shank 9426]

If it sounds too good to be true, it usually is.
@InkaUTexas

[bmbmd 1027]

((John Prine))"Son, when you're dead, you're a dead peckerhead".((John Prine))

[davidg 4038]

1 hour ago, BabaYaga said:

You only use one hand.  So pay attention.

Assuming that you are facing her, take one hand behind her underneath her clothing.

• Then slide your index finger from top between the bra and back, so that your nail is actually facing her skin.
• Using your index finger gently pull the straps of her bra from her back, thereby creating a smallish gap between her back and the bra.
• Then, use your middle finger and your thumb to squeeze the bra inwards. Once you have done this, remove the index finger.
• Now move the thumb outwards and the middle finger inwards in a snapping motion, which just pull the eyelets out of the hooks.

 

Your dad was the Fonz?

 

[justhookit 4191]

59 minutes ago, BabaYaga said:

You only use one hand.  So pay attention.

Assuming that you are facing her, take one hand behind her underneath her clothing.

• Then slide your index finger from top between the bra and back, so that your nail is actually facing her skin.
• Using your index finger gently pull the straps of her bra from her back, thereby creating a smallish gap between her back and the bra.
• Then, use your middle finger and your thumb to squeeze the bra inwards. Once you have done this, remove the index finger.
• Now move the thumb outwards and the middle finger inwards in a snapping motion, which just pull the eyelets out of the hooks.

[Doc Reeves 6434]

General impressions of people, who they are and their relationships are always, always wrong.

[Doc Reeves 6434]

1 hour ago, BabaYaga said:

You only use one hand.  So pay attention.

Assuming that you are facing her, take one hand behind her underneath her clothing.

• Then slide your index finger from top between the bra and back, so that your nail is actually facing her skin.
• Using your index finger gently pull the straps of her bra from her back, thereby creating a smallish gap between her back and the bra.
• Then, use your middle finger and your thumb to squeeze the bra inwards. Once you have done this, remove the index finger.
• Now move the thumb outwards and the middle finger inwards in a snapping motion, which just pull the eyelets out of the hooks.

Good advice but the chicks I go for don’t wear underwear 

 

Which brings me to nugget of wisdom #2:

when there’s a job to do, use the proper tools. 

 

Edited August 31, 2021 by Doc Reeves

[hullabelew 3724]

"Don't pick up anything you can't lift"  

[InkaUtexas 25951]

1 hour ago, Steel Shank said:

If it sounds too good to be true, it usually is.
@InkaUTexas

I was never one to be negative. Damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead. 

[Steel Shank 9426]

1 minute ago, InkaUtexas said:

I was never one to be negative. Damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead. 

I think it was Jon Bon Jovi who said it best: "I'm a six gun lover."

 

[High Plains Drifter 11050]

 

Don't shit where you eat.

And especially don't shit where I eat.

-Tony Soprano

 

An orgasm in the bush is better than two in the hand.

-Me

[F250 28777]

29 minutes ago, High Plains Drifter said:

An orgasm in the bush is better than two in the hand.

-Me

[BabaYaga 15299]

If working with g-pa on a wood-working project.  NO, there is no such thing as a left-handed hammer or a GD board-stretcher

[Paco 1934]

"Don't pick up anything you can't lift"  

I had no idea your Dad was Yogi Berra

[CooterBrown 18014]

You only use one hand.  So pay attention.
Assuming that you are facing her, take one hand behind her underneath her clothing.

• Then slide your index finger from top between the bra and back, so that your nail is actually facing her skin.
• Using your index finger gently pull the straps of her bra from her back, thereby creating a smallish gap between her back and the bra.
• Then, use your middle finger and your thumb to squeeze the bra inwards. Once you have done this, remove the index finger.
• Now move the thumb outwards and the middle finger inwards in a snapping motion, which just pull the eyelets out of the hooks.

Did her boob feel like a a bag of sand?

[washparkhorn 9939]

3 hours ago, justhookit said:

One handed or go home. 

[Guest Lobo]

Each of us is actually three people.  The person we think we are, the person other people think we are, and the person we actually are.

-Kenny Rogers (the roasted chicken guy, not the singer) 

[JesusSweatDuck 17781]

19 hours ago, Parliament said:

Check your tail lights before you go to the bar.  Don't give the cops a reason to pull you over drunk.

and use your blinkers on the way home

[StruggleBus 3922]

Watch what you say to your woman when you’re angry. 
 

This one has saved me plenty of headaches.

[Tailgate 3022]

If it flies, floats or fvcks…rent it.

[freyguy 4277]

8 hours ago, Doc Reeves said:

General impressions of people, who they are and their relationships are always, always wrong.

I completely disagree, shithead.

[Doc Reeves 6434]

1 minute ago, freyguy said:

I completely disagree, shithead.

Got that bit of advice from a homicide detective. Ive found it to be true. Fuckface.

[freyguy 4277]

3 minutes ago, Doc Reeves said:

Got that bit of advice from a homicide detective. Ive found it to be true. Fuckface.

I ain't your Fuckface, buddy.

[freyguy 4277]

but seriously, most everybody is just trying to make it thru the day, and get a little action on the weekend.

[Doc Reeves 6434]

3 minutes ago, freyguy said:

but seriously, most everybody is just trying to make it thru the day, and get a little action on the weekend.

Nah, i hear you. 

[washparkhorn 9939]

5 minutes ago, freyguy said:

but seriously, most everybody is just trying to make it thru the day, and get a little action on the weekend.

Facts. 

Canadian example of the sentiment:

Spoiler

Spoiler

 

 

 

[Kennythetiger 9388]

You forgot this version:

[Snake Diggity 4625]

Here’s the shit I feel like I’ve learned that I intend to try and teach my kids:
 

The 2 most basic rules of life are: 

1.) be good

2.) have fun

 

Here are 7 rules for preventing depression:

1.) Get 8 hours of sleep every night.

2.) Get 30 minutes of exercise every day.

3.) Be careful what you put into your body: lots of water, fiber, and protein; limit the drugs (including alcohol and caffeine).

4.) Get at least 15 minutes of sunlight every day.

5.) Spend at least 10 seconds being grateful every day.

6.) Make eye contact with at least one other person every day.

7.) Do something productive every day, no matter how small or simple.

 

All relationships must have boundaries.  When someone crosses the line, cut them out.  And know that if you cross someone’s line, they will cut you out.

Compounding is the most powerful financial tool there is.

[Willfully Horn 8017]

10 hours ago, babysdaddy said:

Don't ever pay for pussy, there will always be some sweet girl willing to give it away for free

Then you really can’t afford it.