Anyone experienced brain surgery or cared for a family member who did?

[Gourmand 7,778]

Shorter version: fuck cancer.

I  am currently sitting in the Hamill Foundation Family Room at Methodist Hospital, where my 78 year old mom is asleep in her room, seven hours before staff will take her away to a highly-skilled neurosurgeon who will open her skull and attempt to remove most of a 3 cm tumor on the surface of the right side of her brain. She has been battling stage 4 lung cancer and underwent chemo, radiation, and two treatments of immunotherapy recently and her progress looked great. Her lung scans were very positive and she was feeling better until recently when she began to have a lot of headaches and crippling fatigue along with constant mental confusion. I know this not from my personal experience with her since her diagnosis, but only from what she and my sister have told me. Because I have been estranged from my mother and sister for nearly four years now, and I've missed most of my mother's cancer path thus far. And yes, I feel terribly guilty about it.

It's a long, complicated, typical Dr. Phil/Jerry Springer saga in which my mother decided she hated my wife and as a consequence has no relationship with us or our 3-year-old child. My sister fomented much of her disdain for my wife over some stupid fucking shit that my sister read on wife's shared pinterest board with another friend, in which her friend had posted memes about narcissistic family members that was directed at said friend's family and originated well before my wife and I even started dating. They misinterpreted one very blunt Mom meme that was about the friend's mother (who hated her friend's husband) and just happened to fit my mother's behavior as well. Ultimately our relationship thereafter became non-existent because of mutual hurts in which my mother made it clear to me how much she despised my wife, which made it impossible for her to be involved with her third grandchild (my only child), and she repaid that pain a couple of years ago by letting me know that she was removing me as executor in her will. I've lived with the anxiety, depression, and crushing weight of this family chasm for a long time and it has been very difficult. Being stuck between your own mother and the mother of your child is something no son should have to endure.

But still, even with my mom's cancer diagnosis, I was kept/stayed away and mostly in the dark about her condition until recently when my sister contacted me to let me know that I needed to see her because she thought something was wrong. She suspected either a tumor in the brain, a stroke, or that the immunotherapy she had recently started was having some obviously terrible side effects. The oncologist refused to acknowledge these concerns and chalked them up to old age. "That's normal for someone of her age, maybe you should consider an assisted living situation...." They did either an MRI or a PET scan that didn't reveal anything at all, but my sister was convinced something was wrong and wanted me to be involved. So I drive to Houston on Monday expecting to see my mother at her house, but when I arrived they were not home and my sister texted me to say she had just taken mom to the ER at the urging of her primary care physician, they did another scan and found three lesions on her brain and she was being admitted to Methodist Hospital and scheduled for surgery. I went from thinking I was making a trip to mend fences with my mom and whatnot and suddenly find myself in a situation I did not think about.

"Holy fuck. Holy shit. Oh my god. Mom is having brain surgery."

I'm terrified right now because I do not know what the next day/week/month brings. The doctors were clear that if she does not do this, she will suffer further cognitive issues, become increasingly immobile, paralyzed, and die. She will suffer. I have no idea what is ahead and I'm scared shitless that we are rushing this decision, because brain surgery is fucking brain surgery. She is determined to have the surgery and is seemingly nonplussed by it and doesn't seem the least bit scared. "I want to be able to dress myself again.." But I can't help but wonder how much of her decision-making is affected by this tumor. The doctors say that her lung scans look very good and they have a relatively positive outlook, but from what I 've read, lung cancer that spreads to the brain is very ominous for someone her age. My mom is going to die, she's not beating this cancer, it's just a question of when and how much more life they can give her.

If any of you have gone through this or something similar, what can I reasonably expect? What should I be prepared for and how do I do this? I'm very worried that she won't be the same person after this and the surgery is something we come to regret. 

Tldr: cancer is a bitch, I'm a shitty son, my mom's having brain surgery.

[deadshank 24,654]

Cancer sucks

Do as good as you can as a son.  The rest is up to them  

I hope your mom pulls through

You’ve got a lot on your heart right now.  
 

Bury hatchets, ask for forgiveness and tell your family you love them.  They probably won’t reciprocate.  Don’t worry about other’s hang ups and issues as they probably won’t change. 

[South Austin 53,228]

53 minutes ago, deadshank said:

Bury hatchets, ask for forgiveness and tell your family you love them.  They probably won’t reciprocate.  Don’t worry about other’s hang ups and issues as they probably won’t change. 

I don't have any particular experience to contribute, but I wish I could rep this multiple times, because it's beautifully written advice for life in general.

Edited September 3, 2021 by South Austin

[Prepuce of Doom 21,286]

All you have left is the time you have left, so make of it what will. You don't need to worry about undoing everything from the past in one single move - just do what you can with your mom and sort the other shit later, if desired.

My boss (a highly successful and independent woman in her late 60s) had a large (like orange sized or bigger?) tumor removed from her brain about two years ago. It was benign, but very much "intertwined" in other parts, and the neurosurgeon estimated that it was so large and developed that it might have been 20+ years in the making. 

I don't know any more details, but she's back to normal. Different circumstances, obviously, but it was a major surgery for a monster tumor and she had a great outcome. It happens... 

Hang in there, and don't beat yourself up about the past. It doesn't sound like you really had much agency in the weird rift that you described - almost an innocent bystander in some ways. 

[Jerry Callo 8,960]

Sorry to hear about your mother, Gormand.

I had a benign brain tumor removed 20 years ago.  I was young and relatively healthy.  Surgery lasted 4 hours or so and I recovered in ICU for the remainder of the afternoon.  I spent a few nights in the hospital with the checking for a rare disease that might have caused the tumor - didn't find anything.  I was placed on a high dose of steroids the day before the surgery (which was the day the tumor was found).  The tapering off of steroids for a month was the worse part.  I was OCD about just about everything, very irritable, only slept a couple hours a night.  The steroids changed my personality such that my wife was nearly convinced that the surgery had screwed up my brain and that I would never be the same.  Luckily, after getting over the steroids, my personality returned to my usual surly self.

My step-mother had brain surgery a couple years ago for cancer.  She went through the same personality changes, but also got better with time.  She is not 100% to where she was before, but she is cancer free right now and trying to get the most out of the life she still has (traveling, visiting family, etc.).  My father-in-law was very appreciative that my wife gave him a heads-up about the steroids.

I hope you and your family can use this crisis to mend some fences.

 

 

 

[Gourmand 7,778]

Yes fortunately I've been able to at least have some conversations with my mother alone in her hospital room that hopefully helped her. Told her how much I loved her and I'm sorry for what has happened, regretful about the time we all missed out on with my son. She's still who she is, she's not gonna change her mind about my wife, and she's the type of person who doesn't always abide by the "better left unsaid" rule. There was a conversation the other night where she said some ugly words about my wife and I sat there and took it until I couldn't any longer and told her I was leaving unless she'd stop. 

My sister is another story entirely. She has always been a bit of a Karen, and right now she's an emotional wreck wavering between hating me and needing me to help her, and when she's not doing either of those things, she's publicly berating me for not thanking her because she thinks she saved my mom's life. My sister's life is very different from my own. She's wealthy, does not work, lives in Seattle with her tech exec husband, has one 18 year old in college and a 15 year old in high school. I'm struggling financially with a wife and a three year old to support and do not have the means to not work to become a full-time caregiver to my mom. We don't know what the recovery will look like for my mother but she will definitely require live-in care in the short-term and I think there's a very good chance that she will not be able to live by herself again. My mother is very independent and does not want to live anywhere but in her own house, which is going to be very complicated because her bedroom and bathroom are upstairs and I don't know how she will be able to navigate those stairs.

I guess all I can do right now is get through today.

[Gourmand 7,778]

28 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:

Sorry to hear about your mother, Gormand.

I had a benign brain tumor removed 20 years ago.  I was young and relatively healthy.  Surgery lasted 4 hours or so and I recovered in ICU for the remainder of the afternoon.  I spent a few nights in the hospital with the checking for a rare disease that might have caused the tumor - didn't find anything.  I was placed on a high dose of steroids the day before the surgery (which was the day the tumor was found).  The tapering off of steroids for a month was the worse part.  I was OCD about just about everything, very irritable, only slept a couple hours a night.  The steroids changed my personality such that my wife was nearly convinced that the surgery had screwed up my brain and that I would never be the same.  Luckily, after getting over the steroids, my personality returned to my usual surly self.

My step-mother had brain surgery a couple years ago for cancer.  She went through the same personality changes, but also got better with time.  She is not 100% to where she was before, but she is cancer free right now and trying to get the most out of the life she still has (traveling, visiting family, etc.).  My father-in-law was very appreciative that my wife gave him a heads-up about the steroids.

I hope you and your family can use this crisis to mend some fences.

 

 

 

Thanks for sharing. That must have been scary for you personally. Glad to hear you recovered and glad to know your step-mom has, too.

I'm very impressed with my mother's surgeon and he is highly regarded by all the staff here at Methodist.

Edited September 3, 2021 by Gourmand

[Prepuce of Doom 21,286]

Maybe this is a good idea, maybe it's a terrible idea, but let your sister play the martyr act since it sounds like she's in a better position to give your mom the kind of attention that she may require from now on. You can be as petty or as gracious as you choose in maneuvering things towards this outcome, but I'd suggest that you take the path of least conflict during the time when your mom is still alive. 

After she passes, it'll be a lot easier to make a clean(er) break with your sister if that's how you still want to play it. 

Edited September 3, 2021 by Prepuce of Doom

[deadshank 24,654]

17 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Maybe this is a good idea, maybe it's a terrible idea, but let your sister play the martyr act since it sounds like she's in a better position to give your mom the kind of attention that she may require from now on. You can be as petty or as gracious as you choose in maneuvering things towards this outcome, but I'd suggest that you take the path of least conflict during the time when your mom is still alive. 

After she passes, it'll be a lot easier to make a clean(er) break with your sister if that's how you still want to play it. 

Be humble.  Our pride leads to our own destruction and destruction of relationships. This doesn't mean you have to be a punching bag or participate in ongoing bad behavior.  Be humble and choose the high road.  It's not easy but it is righteous.

[Gourmand 7,778]

10 minutes ago, deadshank said:

This doesn't mean you have to be a punching bag or participate in ongoing bad behavior.  Be humble and choose the high road.  It's not easy but it is righteous.

yep, this is exactly what my wife said! "You don't have to just be the punching bag."

Sister lashed out at me in the surgical unit family room because she was wanting to relitigate things that can't be solved in a hospital waiting room with many strangers around to hear our family drama. She did not like it that I was not taking her bait and she stormed off and went home.

Text just now: "do you want me to get lunch?"

 

Edited September 3, 2021 by Gourmand

[deadshank 24,654]

14 minutes ago, Gourmand said:

yep, this is exactly what my wife said! "You don't have to just be the punching bag."

Sister lashed out at me in the surgical unit family room because she was wanting to relitigate things that can't be solved in a hospital waiting room with many strangers around to hear our family drama. She did not like it that I was not taking her bait and she stormed off and went home.

Text just now: "do you want me to get lunch?"

 

She's scared, worried and feels things are beyond her control.  Probably has a healthy dose of realizing her own shortcomings, as well.  

Be humble. Don't let her emotions control you and cause an awful reaction from you.

It won't be easy.

Editor's note:  I've been through this with my dad and my wife's mom.  It was ugly on both counts.  Lots of drama and raw emotions.  It's not easy.  Be humble and aware that you can't control how others will react and what they will say and do.  

[HornOnTheBayou 9,064]

I can't help you on the family end, but I had surgery to remove a brain tumor in March of last year. The technology available these days is pretty amazing and the recovery isn't too bad. Now I was a healthy (except for the fucking tumor in my brain) 42 year old, so YMMV with your mom. After about a week I was feeling back to normal, except for being real tired. After two weeks, I was ready to go back to work. Of course, that was right when COVID hit, so I ended up staying at home like everyone else, but I could have gone back with no problems.

[bluto 4,998]

Damn that’s wild how similar my dads story is to your moms. Sarcoma in leg, moved to lungs/plura and had him on death bed til immunotherapy Hail Mary actually worked (wild as hell in itself), then 7 mos later started down hill losing tons of weight, vomit, sleeping 20 hrs/day etc. Finally went to ER and lime size tumor, surgery 12 hours later.

Here we are 2 yrs removed and no side effects or issues from it. Recovery was a bitch the first week or so, certainly not helped by condition going in, and was extra assholeish the first couple mos.

Modern medicine is some wild stuff, that’s his 4th bout with cancer and now is in remission. Effed part is chemo is what has done the lasting damage, killed his kidneys.