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[Monkeying Around] Jeff Banks…

Fondren & Main

By Fondren & Main
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Gooby
Gooby

Did anyone mention the possibility that the kid was trick or treating and hoping to find a house that was giving out Rhesus?

Levi
Levi
Hank Scorpio
Hank Scorpio

We’ve all been there, it’s Halloween, you left your wife and kids for a stripper so you don’t even remember that until you see a kid in a pirate costume, you’re trying to study film to come up with an

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Ignatius

Ignatius 4017

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5 hours ago, Scheiss Meister said:

If the ISU band doesn't play something like Shock The Monkey or We're The Monkees during the game Saturday I will be severely disappointed.

ETA - Or The Beatles' Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except For Me And My Monkey.

It’s a real fucking shame we aren’t playing Rice this weekend….

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Guest Lobo

Guest Lobo

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Just now, HornsOverIthaca said:

Once you buy a monkey I’m pretty sure that counts as common law marriage.

I'd listen to this man, he's pre-Monkey Law.  Granted he failed the Bird Law program.  

But yes, the case law is settled.  Once you go in together on a Joint Tenants with Rights of Monkey Survivorship title, you are common law married.  Unless the monkey decides to consume human flesh, then the covenant is broken and the Monkey escheats to the spouse who put in 50% +$1 into the monkey acquisition.  

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Horn Dog

Horn Dog 9816

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1 hour ago, ChickenNuggets said:

Let's pause a moment, take a deep breath, and marvel at the direction this program has taken. Stripper monkey pole assassin is awesome. 

There are few programs that crash and burn  in such a spectacular fashion as ours.  Even as a complete dumpster fire we are still the talk of the town.   Fuck it. At this point I am tuned in solely for the laughs.

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Deej

Deej 76757

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10 minutes ago, smwhorn said:

I think you people (no racist) are being awfully judgmental of this poor man . . . .

Who are we to judge a man who leaves his wife for a Pole Assistant stripper who has a monkey?

Nobody leaves their wife for the assistant stripper.

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Nope

Nope 3114

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54 minutes ago, n64ra said:

This article says her name is Danielle Thomas, but the screenshot announcing the maze is of a person named Danielle Banks. That's why I am getting confused.

 

https://nypost.com/2021/11/02/a-former-stripper-and-a-monkey-are-in-the-middle-of-bizarre-college-football-rumor/

Maybe they eloped on one of their many Vegas trips…hmm

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ChickenNuggets

ChickenNuggets 1623

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7 minutes ago, BigSwingingD said:

@immamac @RGBIII

Interview Pole Assassin for the next podcast. She is begging to tell her story. It must be told.

Sweet 6 pound baby Jeaus...let it happen. I will drive and lubricate you two fuckers with all the El Rancho margs you can drink.

if you want a halted speech pattern of nouns interspliced with the occasional present tense verb.

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Guest Lobo

Guest Lobo

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2 minutes ago, El Diablo said:

What happens between a man, a stripper, a monkey, a pole and a neighborhood kid ain't nobody else's business. Them's the Monkey Rules. 

So I guess that makes Jeff Banks...the Monkey Man?  He may get his ass whooped in the Cotton Bowl, but he knows a good Stones song at Fair Park:

 

dollars to donuts they are playing this song right there, right now.

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El Diablo

El Diablo 4232

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Just now, cmontexas said:

These are the college football stories Gameday needs to feed America on Saturday mornings instead of our weekly Rinaldi weepfest

That monkey came from an impoverished village and had to fight every day of his life until he made his way to the big city strip joints and got discovered by a woman with a heart of gold. Let Rinaldi cover that. 

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RGBIII

RGBIII 22838

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46 minutes ago, BigSwingingD said:

@immamac @RGBIII

Interview Pole Assassin for the next podcast. She is begging to tell her story. It must be told.

Sweet 6 pound baby Jeaus...let it happen. I will drive and lubricate you two fuckers with all the El Rancho margs you can drink.

She has been invited through every possible avenue

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Guest Lobo

Guest Lobo

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It stands to reason.  There is Doctor of Medicine.  Doctor of Optometry.  Doctor of Pharmacy.  Why can't there be a Doctor of Neighborhood, or Demographer for short?  

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El Diablo

El Diablo 4232

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Just crossed my mind... I think one of our own, @RDCanecutter has some artistic interest in primates. Can't remember if it was monkeys, gorillas or apes but I bet he's got some artwork that depicts a monkey or similar with a stripper or similar or possibly even AS a stripper or similar. Great marketing opportunity here my friend. Get busy! 

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Brisketexan

Brisketexan 105086

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You know what I love about Texas, and Surly in particular? We find this story hysterical. We’re running with it. It brings us joy.

Had this exact same story happened when Banks was at Aggy….aggy would devote all their energy to being defensive, taking about how the trick or treater was clearly a sip spy, monkeys are actually a long-standing aggy turdition, and this proves how red-ass Banks really is, other programs are jealous they don’t have a highly esteemed stripper monkey, blah blah blah.

Not us. We embrace the darkness….we were born to it. You think darkness is your ally? You merely adopted the dark. We were born in it, molded by it. We didn't see the light until we were already men, and by then it was nothing to us but blinding!

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Guest Lobo

Guest Lobo

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2 minutes ago, Radical Larry said:

They need some monkey helmet stickers.

Absolutely.  

Our special teams units in high school were called shit related to bees:  Stingers, Hornets, Yellow Jackets, shit like that.

So as Texas, the unit will be called "Monkeys" and the helmet awards are based on:

You Fake the Punt.

You Bite the Pirate.

You Fuck the Assassin.  

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Guest Lobo

Guest Lobo

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Is it the same monkey though that she's been bringing up on stage with her all these years to perform on the pole?  

How do you make the claim that it's an emotional support animal if you also trained it to pick up $2 bills en masse?  

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Guest Lobo

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1 minute ago, El Diablo said:

Like the kind you wave in front of a bull? 

Why would you wave an emotional support monkey in front of a bull?  

Wait, never mind.  I totally understand now.  

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