Official 2021 Bitch about family/Holiday Insanity

[El Diablo 4,232]

1 hour ago, RollLeft said:

Username does NOT check out.

Norm had a dark side. 

[ABSR 5,309]

21 hours ago, Parliament said:

Schlong, you have a kickass 1 act play 20 part mini-series there.

fixed it.

[BearSchlong 8,083]

12 minutes ago, ABSR said:

fixed it.

What, it's not normal to shoot your brother and then relax with a smoke?

Eyewitness testimony from the appeal.

Quote

(redacted) then saw the assailant switch the baseball bat to his other hand and shoot the complainant with a pistol that he had pulled from somewhere. The assailant then continued hitting the complainant with the bat. By this time, the complainant was on his back in the ditch in a defensive position but still trying to crawl away. The assailant eventually broke off the assault, walked over to a nearby barrel, and began smoking a cigarette. (redacted) also observed the assailant place his gun down on a toolbox.

 

[MissingInAction 25,036]

Thats some ice cold shit right there. 

Was the complainant somebody who had been fucking with him for some time or was this the heat of the moment?

Edited November 2, 2021 by MissingInAction

[Da Fino 2,779]

21 minutes ago, MissingInAction said:

Thats some ice cold shit right there. 

Was the complainant somebody who had been fucking with him for some time or was this the heat of the moment?

I think it was his brother. 

[ztejas 43,418]

Love this thread but it almost requires a spreadsheet to keep track of all the ex/in-law/cousin/uncle relationships.

Thanksgiving will be extremely stress-free this year unless I personally go off the deep end and not planning on that. All four of my siblings will be in New York - hilariously enough - two with my dad and step-mom and two with my step-dad and his new wife. 

So it's just me and my mom in Austin (her family are J's Witnesses and don't do Holidays) - we will either freeload on family friends that are super fucking cool and always put out a badass spread or just say fuck it and get reservations somewhere for the two of us. And I may or may not still be seeing a girl that doesn't do anything herself for Thanksgiving so could get laid on top of it. 

Last year I ate with my dad and step mom then ate with my mom and other siblings both on Thanksgiving - sober - and my God it was exhausting. Pleasant and drama-free but fuck that. Kind of had an "oh right - this is why everyone is boozed up for the holidays" epiphany. 

[Hate 20,108]

Great thread as always and the best time of the year. As always, I’ll be in the shores of Lake Buchanan. We’ll get there Wednesday night and start drinking. Thursday morning will be greeted with breakfast, mimosas, and cooking for dinner. There will be about 25 of us ranging in ages from 76 down to 1. This will be the first Thanksgiving without both my Grandpa and Grandma (she passed about 4 years ago) so in some ways it will be bittersweet.

I look forward to hearing about all of the family disasters over the coming weeks and I’ll be living vicariously through you.

[GhostOfTomJoad 9,324]

The people I have the most empathy for on this thread are the poor bastards who have to travel to multiple destinations & have gatherings with 2, 3 or even more extended families over the course of a Thanksgiving or Christmas holiday. I haven't had a Thanksgiving with my dad in 20 years. He retired to CO  with his she beast of a wife (his 3rd) and on his way out of Texas he said "I'm done doing holidays. Y'all are on your own." My sisters and I probably haven't thanked him enough for that gift. I just call him between tending the smoker & drinking a beer. Ten minutes of generally stress free small talk.

 

[Anwar Namtut 344]

Probably won't even rank in the top 20 on this thread, but we will go out of town to MIL's house. Like GOTJ, FIL passed away earlier in the year. MIL is the type that probably believes she is the only one to ever have a spouse die. It's strange, but one moment she is extremely self-centered (how can this happen to me?!?!?!), but then hands out $100 bills every birthday (7 kids, 5 spouses, 13 grandkids, 2 Great grandkids). They were not rich people, so that is a lot of cash plus $75 each for Christmas. Oldest sibling will pop some pills and chase them with vodka and then deny anything.

All the kids have damage from MIL growing up - apparently very verbally abusive. FIL had "bad hearing" all 26 years I've known him. Probably won't be too much booze this year which is good. Wife's family are a bunch of alcoholics - and not the kind of happy drunks either.

It will be a bunch of people sleeping on the floor, too, so not very comfortable. We should be able to send a couple of our kids to stay with the cousins while we are there, so that will help. 

Still, a family of borderline racists and anti-gay folks - even the educated ones. Sigh.

In addition, our oldest daughter is getting married any day now. Not sure when exactly, but they did get their marriage license yesterday, so it is a matter of making an appointment with a judge. I'm sure there will be a bunch of complaints that no one was invited to the wedding. No one outside of our immediate family and fiancee's immediate family know about it (no pregnancy). Fine with me, though, as it will be very cheap.

[BearSchlong 8,083]

1 hour ago, Da Fino said:

I think it was his brother. 

Yes, my ex's oldest brother shot his younger brother - then decided to refuse legal representation and simply explain to the judge that his brother deserved it.

Narrator - the judge did not buy his explanation.

I'd really love to know what he did in subsequent years before his old lady turned him in and the DEA put him in high security USP Florence until 3/1/2023.  I suspect drug traffiking.

Either way if he wasn't a douchebag he could buy his long-suffering mama a nice turkey dinner.

My wife predicts my son's in-laws are going to include the ex MIL in their Thanksgiving, which I think is way more appropriate than dragging her down here to be with my family.

I assuaged my guilt by buying her a nice Thanksgiving card at Hallmark.

[BearSchlong 8,083]

1 hour ago, Anwar Namtut said:

In addition, our oldest daughter is getting married any day now. Not sure when exactly, but they did get their marriage license yesterday, so it is a matter of making an appointment with a judge. I'm sure there will be a bunch of complaints that no one was invited to the wedding. No one outside of our immediate family and fiancee's immediate family know about it (no pregnancy). Fine with me, though, as it will be very cheap.

CONGRATULATIONS

[Kennythetiger 9,377]

2 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

Thats some ice cold shit right there. 

Was the complainant somebody who had been fucking with him for some time or was this the heat of the moment?

Where do you want it??  

[MissingInAction 25,036]

12 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

Yes, my ex's oldest brother shot his younger brother - then decided to refuse legal representation and simply explain to the judge that his brother deserved it.

Narrator - the judge did not buy his explanation.

I'd really love to know what he did in subsequent years before his old lady turned him in and the DEA put him in high security USP Florence until 3/1/2023.  I suspect drug traffiking.

Either way if he wasn't a douchebag he could buy his long-suffering mama a nice turkey dinner.

My wife predicts my son's in-laws are going to include the ex MIL in their Thanksgiving, which I think is way more appropriate than dragging her down here to be with my family.

I assuaged my guilt by buying her a nice Thanksgiving card at Hallmark.

I apologize for my comment earlier.

[Anwar Namtut 344]

5 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

CONGRATULATIONS

For sure. I thought for sure she would be the one to want the big wedding. Fine with me. I would rather get them some shit to furnish their house with than waste money on a wedding. There will be a reception sometime next year. He's in the AF based near us and his family is across the country. We've only met his family on facetime at Christmas last year. They're good with it, too.

[Ignatius 4,017]

This is the best perma-thread on Surly; I only qualify that because the Jeff Banks stripper girlfriend pirate kid-mangling monkey thread is pure genius. Keep bringing it guys, I only regret (or maybe I’m thankful?) that due to a series of deaths/divorces i cant contribute….

[Kennythetiger 9,377]

7 minutes ago, Ignatius said:

This is the best perma-thread on Surly; I only qualify that because the Jeff Banks stripper girlfriend pirate kid-mangling monkey thread is pure genius. Keep bringing it guys, I only regret (or maybe I’m thankful?) that due to a series of deaths/divorces i cant contribute….

Yep. This one and the annual road trip to away games threads are glorious. The rabid monkey thread is like finding a corner piece of brownie still in the pan. 

[Longboard Horn 40,301]

All this rabid monkey talk

[High Plains Drifter 11,035]

5 hours ago, Anwar Namtut said:

It will be a bunch of people sleeping on the floor, too, so not very comfortable.

 

 

yeah, fuck that. If me and the wife don't get at least a queen size bed, we're going to a hotel.

 

[Js1 85,310]

Unlikely to be much bitching this year. Missed last year due to COVID. This’ll be the first one without my stepdad, which sucks for my mom, she loves the holidays. 

But my first holidays with my youngest nephew since I missed 2020. 

Only drama is going to my dad and stepmom’s - my sister hates them so much.

Will hopefully be reading this thread in between boredom 

[royiv 9,285]

15 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

You should hire a stripper to act as your new girlfriend, just to liven things up.

Make sure she brings her emotional support monkey.

[Guest]

6 hours ago, royiv said:

Make sure she brings her emotional support monkey.

Then the strangest thing happened after we put up the turkey.  They actually started fighting over a banana...

[TrashMaster G 17,551]

16 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Yes, my ex's oldest brother shot his younger brother - then decided to refuse legal representation and simply explain to the judge that his brother deserved it.

Narrator - the judge did not buy his explanation.

I'd really love to know what he did in subsequent years before his old lady turned him in and the DEA put him in high security USP Florence until 3/1/2023.  I suspect drug traffiking.

Either way if he wasn't a douchebag he could buy his long-suffering mama a nice turkey dinner.

My wife predicts my son's in-laws are going to include the ex MIL in their Thanksgiving, which I think is way more appropriate than dragging her down here to be with my family.

I assuaged my guilt by buying her a nice Thanksgiving card at Hallmark.

That's awesome!

[Longboard Horn 40,301]

11 hours ago, Js1 said:

Only drama is going to my dad and stepmom’s - my sister hates them so much.

Will hopefully be reading this thread in between boredom 

And I will hopefully be reading drama that happens between your sister and stepmom. 

[High Plains Drifter 11,035]

 

4 hours ago, slorch said:

Then the strangest thing happened after we put up the turkey.  They actually started fighting over a banana...

 

 

 

 

 

[usmc0331horn 953]

On 11/1/2021 at 1:30 PM, Incredulity said:

somebody bump the 2020 and 2019 versions as a primer for this year.

 

No one wants to remember what happened in 2020.

[Texas St. Armadillos 1,381]

If the resurgence and energy of Halloween this year was any indicator, Thanksgiving/Christmas is gonna be lit.  #RevengeHolidays

[RollLeft 5,044]

19 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Yes, my ex's oldest brother shot his younger brother - then decided to refuse legal representation and simply explain to the judge that his brother deserved it.

 

Mhm...were there names Cain and Abel.   

[Hate 20,108]

1 minute ago, RollLeft said:

Mhm...were there names Cain and Abel.   

They say that Cain caught Able rolling loaded dice...ace of spades behind his ear and him not thinking twice!

[Guest Lobo]

1 hour ago, High Plains Drifter said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

How’d you get video of Coach Banks’s backyard?  

[High Plains Drifter 11,035]

 

very carefully

[Longhornstampede 3,182]

I've got nothing...

[pearlandhorn 3,269]

On 11/1/2021 at 12:26 PM, pearlandhorn said:

Weedwacker string dude.  Close. 

Whole different ballgame this year.  Thanksgiving will consist of two meals.  One on Thursday with my parents (and crazy aunt and uncle) and the other with my in laws on Friday which will be much more chill (well...as chill as it could be given my sister-in-law and brother-in-law).

A few weeks ago, much to my disapproval, my mom invited her sister (and her husband) and her brother (and his wife) to thanksgiving at their house in Tyler.  Now, my aunt has been married 6 times (I believe - my dad says he has to use two hands to count now).  This husband is a retired life insurance actuary with a wine problem.  Weird thing is...they keep tabs on each other constantly.  If my mom and her sister go somewhere to eat, he will call in the middle of the meal and ask her what she's eating.  She'll call him when he orders a pizza and has it delivered because she will monitor the front door cameras religiously.  My mom's brother who is coming to thanksgiving was arrested about 15 years ago for possession (I won't say what of - he's on the registered sex offender list) but has apparently turned his life around.  GTFO of here with that shit.  I really enjoy talking with his wife though.  She's very down to earth and chill.  That whole shindig will be my parents, my dad's sister, those two couples, and my family (wife, son & I).

Friday, I'm smoking 4 racks of ribs at my in laws.  I might even do a pork belly.  We'll see.  My MIL just finished up her chemo and radiation about 2 months ago.  My FIL just wants someone to cook and hang out with as he hates his other son-in-law.  Like, literally hates.  My sister-in-law (the one who is coming to thanksgiving) and her husband are the most worthless human beings on the face of the planet.  Well, mainly just her husband.  They are both raging alcoholics and the husband has to have control over everything she says, does, the way she looks, etc.  But here's the kicker, he has no job and has had no job for his entire life.  Like, if you look at his "resume", it's blank.  He freeloads off his parents.  They have been without running water since the freeze last February.  Yes, you read that correctly.  They "shower" with the garden hose.  They have no way to do their own laundry so they borrow other people's washer and dryer.  His dad is building them a house right next door to their house in Conroe.  It should be finished by December (so that's almost a year without running water).  He has conditioned her in to thinking that it's all normal and not out of the ordinary.  Yet, there are people in fucking Africa and the Amazon that have better living accommodations than they do.  So anywho, I'm taking my son to the deer lease the Sunday before thanksgiving and hunting with my FIL, processing deer Wednesday with my in laws, smoking meat on Friday and watching football with my FIL.

As for Christmas - stay tuned.

Update: heard back from my mom. Her pedo brother and his wife will be there Thursday. Yeah…us three will eat on the back porch. Thanks!

[Knoxtnhorn 5,974]

23 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:

 

yeah, fuck that. If me and the wife don't get at least a queen size bed, we're going to a hotel.

 

LOL.  Somewhat family related.

A couple of years ago the fam and I went to Disney.  On the way back, we decided to spend the night with, what is basically, my wife's 2nd sister.  Really close friend that is like family.

So we're in Green Cove Springs - just south of Jacksonville.  We step in and, I swear to God, it's about 98 degrees with 100% humidity.  Put it this way, I couldn't even sit on the couch without turning into Gary Patterson - and I'm not fat.  No way I'm going to be able to sleep in this.  We had already made plans to stay, so I had to think quickly.  Remembering that she only had one bathroom, I quickly pull the, "I think I've got food poisoning" bit.  I tell them I need to get a hotel for the night so as, "Not to bogart the bathroom".

The only hotel within 30 mins of the house was a $30 a-nighter.  Whatevs.  It's got to have an AC, right?  I get there, and let's just say $30 was too much.  The bathroom wall was covered in pubes.  As in, it looked like someone purposely decorated the wall ala Ode to Pubes.  Some one-armed lady was wandering back and forth outside my room for 30 mins yelling about the lack of internet.  The proprietor of said fine establishment actually asked me if I had an arrest record.  No kidding.  You know what, though?  The room had one of those 1960 era box ACs about 2 feet from the bed, and I slept like a baby.

Edited November 4, 2021 by Knoxtnhorn
Not really a holiday or family story. Apologies.

[Biff Tannen 45,673]

Eh, this can go here. In laws are in town and the recycling bin is apparently the same as the trash now. They try, but they are clueless. Dirty napkin?  Yeah sure, recycle. Aluminum take out dish?  Straight to the trash. It’s like I’m playing cards with my brother’s kids here. 

[Telegraph_it 3,357]

Just now, Biff Tannen said:

Eh, this can go here. In laws are in town and the recycling bin is apparently the same as the trash now. They try, but they are clueless. Dirty napkin?  Yeah sure, recycle. Aluminum take out dish?  Straight to the trash. It’s like I’m playing cards with my brother’s kids here. 

It’s all going to the same place. Don’t worry about it. 

[MissingInAction 25,036]

2 hours ago, pearlandhorn said:

Update: heard back from my mom. Her pedo brother and his wife will be there Thursday. Yeah…us three will eat on the back porch. Thanks!

Whats the story behind the pedo bro?

[pearlandhorn 3,269]

19 minutes ago, MissingInAction said:

Whats the story behind the pedo bro?

I think he was arrested some time when I was in college at UT (so 12, 13 years ago?).  He got caught with child porn at a hidden cabin and was apparently talking to some undercover cop posing as an underage kid either on craigslist or something.  Anyway, cops arrested him, he got sent to the federal pen for 2 or 3 years and is a registered sex offender.  I've seen him a grand total of once since he got out and it was earlier this year at my mom's sister's funeral. 

My mom has always tried to be the peacemaker with her family and it drives my dad and I absolutely nuts.  They want no part of our lives.  Stop inviting them to shit. 

Edited November 4, 2021 by pearlandhorn

[Biff Tannen 45,673]

59 minutes ago, Telegraph_it said:

It’s all going to the same place. Don’t worry about it. 

Not in austin, but ok. 

[nnm 36,360]

Is this the thread with the annual bump of the Waco Xmas lights tour?  An annual highlight. 

[Knoxtnhorn 5,974]

13 hours ago, Biff Tannen said:

Eh, this can go here. In laws are in town and the recycling bin is apparently the same as the trash now. They try, but they are clueless. Dirty napkin?  Yeah sure, recycle. Aluminum take out dish?  Straight to the trash. It’s like I’m playing cards with my brother’s kids here. 

Sounds like the issues my class has with determining the difference between the two.  Drives me crazy.  First thing in the recycling container this morning?  Covid mask.

[nnm 36,360]

6 minutes ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Sounds like the issues my class has with determining the difference between the two.  Drives me crazy.  First thing in the recycling container this morning?  Covid mask.

Short drive?

[Knoxtnhorn 5,974]

2 minutes ago, nnm said:

Short drive?

Very much so.  About 10 mins.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,898]

Walking distance actually

[LW Goatman 1,121]

I'd start my story but shit won't be decided until the day before because of my batshit crazy SIL and her ex-con 2nd husband's family plans being up in the air (yearly thing). There will be tears and yelling amongst my wife, her sister, and her mom the week leading up as this unfolds. 

[TexasBeta 1,261]

13 hours ago, nnm said:

Is this the thread with the annual bump of the Waco Xmas lights tour?  An annual highlight. 

For your entertainment, I copied from a previous Holiday board - 

ORIGINALLY POSTED by WIDE-E-WIDE Dec 2006

Its been 12 years, but damn its still funny.

 

After much deliberation, I will reluctantly tell the story of my family touring the Christmas lights in Waco last week.

My wife told me about this thing at the beginning of December. To be honest I had forgotten all about it until the night before. I did not want to go. Call me a scrooge but riding around looking at electricity captured in colored bulbs is not my idea of entertainment. However, the kids were looking forward to it and apparently at some point I had agreed to do it.

This little tour got us for 6 bucks a head. My wife, her parents, our 4 kids and I all went. Now I wasn’t a math major but that's $48 to ride around in a trolley and look at lights. WTF? (I found this out the day of)

So we drive all the way the hell to downtown Waco and sit and wait for this trolley to take us on the tour. They’ve got a tree, Santa, hot cocoa- All that shit. Finally all the trolleys roll up and Shaquandra our official Christmas lights tour guide hops out and says “Y’all going to look at the lights?....(pause) Okay den let’s get our roll on!”  

My initial gripe is that the bitch is driving at mach speed and you can’t see shit but a blurry-ass Santa and the occasional Wal-Mart $9.99 wire light-up reindeer. My father-in-law asks if she could slow down a bit so that we could take pictures and appreciate the lights a little more..(his words not mine). By this time I’ve already leaned over and whispered in my wife’s ear “$48 for this shit?”  She gives me the obligatory elbow and “stop being like that”

We roll along for about 15 minutes looking at every tacky piece of shit overkill light extravaganza in East Waco. Suddenly we get on the highway and start heading to the other side of town. We ride for a good 12-15 minutes without seeing a single damn house decorated. So I lean over to the wife again and say “umm where the hell are we going?”
Elbow “shut up” and all that again. Shaquandra has Mariah Carey’s Christmas cd blasting and we just getting our roll on...and then it happened.

Signs and streets started to look really familiar. My oldest daughter says “hey there’s HEB.” As in the HEB right down the road from our house (approx. 1/2 mile)
I lean over to the wife again “This bitch better not turn right at this light!”
What does the driver do????? That’s right folks, fucking turns right and heads right to our neighborhood. Not only our neighborhood “BUT OUR FUCKING STREET!!

I am just at a loss for words by this point. I cannot believe this is happening. Street after street, house after house for a good 30 minutes. The driver is going on and on about “oooh like over thurr- look at the Santa up on the roof kids.” I know bitch “I'M THE ONE THAT FUCKING PUT HIS FAT ASS UP THERE LAST WEEK"

I can’t type this anymore it's just too painful. The point is, we spent almost $50 to look at the Christmas lights in our own damn neighborhood. My wife just hung her head in shame. I’ll be in charge of Christmas spirit next year thank you very much.

Edited November 4, 2021 by TexasBeta

[pearlandhorn 3,269]

Holy shit.

[Kennythetiger 9,377]

16 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

LOL.  Somewhat family related.

A couple of years ago the fam and I went to Disney.  On the way back, we decided to spend the night with, what is basically, my wife's 2nd sister.  Really close friend that is like family.

So we're in Green Cove Springs - just south of Jacksonville.  We step in and, I swear to God, it's about 98 degrees with 100% humidity.  Put it this way, I couldn't even sit on the couch without turning into Gary Patterson - and I'm not fat.  No way I'm going to be able to sleep in this.  We had already made plans to stay, so I had to think quickly.  Remembering that she only had one bathroom, I quickly pull the, "I think I've got food poisoning" bit.  I tell them I need to get a hotel for the night so as, "Not to bogart the bathroom".

The only hotel within 30 mins of the house was a $30 a-nighter.  Whatevs.  It's got to have an AC, right?  I get there, and let's just say $30 was too much.  The bathroom wall was covered in pubes.  As in, it looked like someone purposely decorated the wall ala Ode to Pubes.  Some one-armed lady was wandering back and forth outside my room for 30 mins yelling about the lack of internet.  The proprietor of said fine establishment actually asked me if I had an arrest record.  No kidding.  You know what, though?  The room had one of those 1960 era box ACs about 2 feet from the bed, and I slept like a baby.

Y’all pay attention- this is how you humblebrag. 

[TrashMaster G 17,551]

2 hours ago, LW Goatman said:

I'd start my story but shit won't be decided until the day before because of my batshit crazy SIL and her ex-con 2nd husband's family plans being up in the air (yearly thing). There will be tears and yelling amongst my wife, her sister, and her mom the week leading up as this unfolds. 

If you know it's coming, try to get video.

[Longboard Horn 40,301]

20 hours ago, TexasBeta said:

For your entertainment, I copied from a previous Holiday board - 

ORIGINALLY POSTED by WIDE-E-WIDE Dec 2006

Its been 12 years, but damn its still funny.

 

After much deliberation, I will reluctantly tell the story of my family touring the Christmas lights in Waco last week.

My wife told me about this thing at the beginning of December. To be honest I had forgotten all about it until the night before. I did not want to go. Call me a scrooge but riding around looking at electricity captured in colored bulbs is not my idea of entertainment. However, the kids were looking forward to it and apparently at some point I had agreed to do it.

This little tour got us for 6 bucks a head. My wife, her parents, our 4 kids and I all went. Now I wasn’t a math major but that's $48 to ride around in a trolley and look at lights. WTF? (I found this out the day of)

So we drive all the way the hell to downtown Waco and sit and wait for this trolley to take us on the tour. They’ve got a tree, Santa, hot cocoa- All that shit. Finally all the trolleys roll up and Shaquandra our official Christmas lights tour guide hops out and says “Y’all going to look at the lights?....(pause) Okay den let’s get our roll on!”  

My initial gripe is that the bitch is driving at mach speed and you can’t see shit but a blurry-ass Santa and the occasional Wal-Mart $9.99 wire light-up reindeer. My father-in-law asks if she could slow down a bit so that we could take pictures and appreciate the lights a little more..(his words not mine). By this time I’ve already leaned over and whispered in my wife’s ear “$48 for this shit?”  She gives me the obligatory elbow and “stop being like that”

We roll along for about 15 minutes looking at every tacky piece of shit overkill light extravaganza in East Waco. Suddenly we get on the highway and start heading to the other side of town. We ride for a good 12-15 minutes without seeing a single damn house decorated. So I lean over to the wife again and say “umm where the hell are we going?”
Elbow “shut up” and all that again. Shaquandra has Mariah Carey’s Christmas cd blasting and we just getting our roll on...and then it happened.

Signs and streets started to look really familiar. My oldest daughter says “hey there’s HEB.” As in the HEB right down the road from our house (approx. 1/2 mile)
I lean over to the wife again “This bitch better not turn right at this light!”
What does the driver do????? That’s right folks, fucking turns right and heads right to our neighborhood. Not only our neighborhood “BUT OUR FUCKING STREET!!

I am just at a loss for words by this point. I cannot believe this is happening. Street after street, house after house for a good 30 minutes. The driver is going on and on about “oooh like over thurr- look at the Santa up on the roof kids.” I know bitch “I'M THE ONE THAT FUCKING PUT HIS FAT ASS UP THERE LAST WEEK"

I can’t type this anymore it's just too painful. The point is, we spent almost $50 to look at the Christmas lights in our own damn neighborhood. My wife just hung her head in shame. I’ll be in charge of Christmas spirit next year thank you very much.

Let's get our roll on!" Classic. 

[Longboard Horn 40,301]

20 hours ago, TexasBeta said:

For your entertainment, I copied from a previous Holiday board - 

ORIGINALLY POSTED by WIDE-E-WIDE Dec 2006

Its been 12 years, but damn its still funny.

 

After much deliberation, I will reluctantly tell the story of my family touring the Christmas lights in Waco last week.

My wife told me about this thing at the beginning of December. To be honest I had forgotten all about it until the night before. I did not want to go. Call me a scrooge but riding around looking at electricity captured in colored bulbs is not my idea of entertainment. However, the kids were looking forward to it and apparently at some point I had agreed to do it.

This little tour got us for 6 bucks a head. My wife, her parents, our 4 kids and I all went. Now I wasn’t a math major but that's $48 to ride around in a trolley and look at lights. WTF? (I found this out the day of)

So we drive all the way the hell to downtown Waco and sit and wait for this trolley to take us on the tour. They’ve got a tree, Santa, hot cocoa- All that shit. Finally all the trolleys roll up and Shaquandra our official Christmas lights tour guide hops out and says “Y’all going to look at the lights?....(pause) Okay den let’s get our roll on!”  

My initial gripe is that the bitch is driving at mach speed and you can’t see shit but a blurry-ass Santa and the occasional Wal-Mart $9.99 wire light-up reindeer. My father-in-law asks if she could slow down a bit so that we could take pictures and appreciate the lights a little more..(his words not mine). By this time I’ve already leaned over and whispered in my wife’s ear “$48 for this shit?”  She gives me the obligatory elbow and “stop being like that”

We roll along for about 15 minutes looking at every tacky piece of shit overkill light extravaganza in East Waco. Suddenly we get on the highway and start heading to the other side of town. We ride for a good 12-15 minutes without seeing a single damn house decorated. So I lean over to the wife again and say “umm where the hell are we going?”
Elbow “shut up” and all that again. Shaquandra has Mariah Carey’s Christmas cd blasting and we just getting our roll on...and then it happened.

Signs and streets started to look really familiar. My oldest daughter says “hey there’s HEB.” As in the HEB right down the road from our house (approx. 1/2 mile)
I lean over to the wife again “This bitch better not turn right at this light!”
What does the driver do????? That’s right folks, fucking turns right and heads right to our neighborhood. Not only our neighborhood “BUT OUR FUCKING STREET!!

I am just at a loss for words by this point. I cannot believe this is happening. Street after street, house after house for a good 30 minutes. The driver is going on and on about “oooh like over thurr- look at the Santa up on the roof kids.” I know bitch “I'M THE ONE THAT FUCKING PUT HIS FAT ASS UP THERE LAST WEEK"

I can’t type this anymore it's just too painful. The point is, we spent almost $50 to look at the Christmas lights in our own damn neighborhood. My wife just hung her head in shame. I’ll be in charge of Christmas spirit next year thank you very much.

Every time I read through this I always wonder if he hopped off when trolley went by his house and went inside to get drunk and drown his sorrows.