How to get laid, according to the Hallmark Movie Channel

[Burnt Orange in OC 116]

Based on the 80-something movies in their extensive library, here's a surefire method for success that will take you from "Lonely Guy On The Couch" to doing the hibbidy dibbidy in just six short weeks:

1. Quit your job in the big city and return home between Halloween and Thanksgiving to some rustic setting with an idyllic name like “Angel Falls” or “Piney Acres.”

2. Find a former high school girlfriend who has just been widowed. Expect her to have two children between the ages of 5 and 8.

3. Bump into her at the small town’s outdoor farmers' market. Expect her to be firmly in the camp of “never going to fall in love again” when you first reconnect. Plan the platonic catch-up for coffee.

4. Accept the platonic catch-up for coffee. Get a phone call five minutes into. Apologize that you have to leave immediately on a family emergency but ask if you can reschedule for a dinner.

5. Meet for dinner at her house. Help male child with homework in subject he is having trouble with or female child with sports skill. Enjoy salad and pasta. Don’t ask why kids inexplicably go to bed at 7 p.m. Look at old high school yearbook after dinner, then excuse yourself before things heat up.

6. Ghost her for a week or two. Bump into her again at the grocery store as you’re struggling to make Thanksgiving dinner.

7. Reluctantly accept invitation to her house for Thanksgiving since it will be her family’s first since her spouse passed.

8. Continue to express interest in male child’s academic struggles and/or female child’s athletic activity. Offer to attend school performance/game on Friday night.

9. Finally – The Big Day…. Be available to hang Christmas lights on the roof (he always did that) on Saturday afternoon. As the sun sinks in the West and the snow begins to fall, go Christmas Tree shopping.

10. Welcome to Bone Town, population You.

[DougO 5,245]

Sounds about right....just relaying that for a friend.

[tantric superman 4,667]

Hmm.  Seems a bit too woolen sweater/peanut butter and jelly for me.

Does anyone have the cliff notes for how to get laid in a univision columbian telenovela.   Because it seems like it would be faster, warmer, and with a nanny to handle the ninos.

 

[Parliament 14,257]

"Just stopping by to chat.  How are you?  Oh, your ex has the kids this weekend?"

Bam.  Works every time.

[mr. sunshine 2,824]

7 hours ago, Burnt Orange in OC said:

10. Welcome to Bone Town, population You.

Thank you Hallmark Channel algorithm 

[Eskimohorn 5,635]

Based on the 80-something movies in their extensive library, here's a surefire method for success that will take you from "Lonely Guy On The Couch" to doing the hibbidy dibbidy in just six short weeks:

1. Quit your job in the big city and return home between Halloween and Thanksgiving to some rustic setting with an idyllic name like “Angel Falls” or “Piney Acres.”
2. Find a former high school girlfriend who has just been widowed. Expect her to have two children between the ages of 5 and 8.
3. Bump into her at the small town’s outdoor farmers' market. Expect her to be firmly in the camp of “never going to fall in love again” when you first reconnect. Plan the platonic catch-up for coffee.
4. Accept the platonic catch-up for coffee. Get a phone call five minutes into. Apologize that you have to leave immediately on a family emergency but ask if you can reschedule for a dinner.
5. Meet for dinner at her house. Help male child with homework in subject he is having trouble with or female child with sports skill. Enjoy salad and pasta. Don’t ask why kids inexplicably go to bed at 7 p.m. Look at old high school yearbook after dinner, then excuse yourself before things heat up.
6. Ghost her for a week or two. Bump into her again at the grocery store as you’re struggling to make Thanksgiving dinner.
7. Reluctantly accept invitation to her house for Thanksgiving since it will be her family’s first since her spouse passed.
8. Continue to express interest in male child’s academic struggles and/or female child’s athletic activity. Offer to attend school performance/game on Friday night.
9. Finally – The Big Day…. Be available to hang Christmas lights on the roof (he always did that) on Saturday afternoon. As the sun sinks in the West and the snow begins to fall, go Christmas Tree shopping.
10. Welcome to Bone Town, population You.

Shit, you’re only 1/3 there. Got 2 hours to fill, minus commercials. The dog hasn’t gone missing yet. You haven’t stumbled into her parents and had the wistful conversation about her late husband. And your current girlfriend, an uptight city slicker, hasn’t broken up with you yet after wanting to turn the old firehouse into some condos. You’re both architects you know.

[SimonBolivar 10,958]

[DFWTexEx 276]

There has to be a gazebo involved somewhere in there.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Pato del Muerto 52,490]

You’ve left off the flip side version:

be a guy in a small town, own a coffee bar or hardware store or book store. 
 

wait for the girl that you either dated in high school or wished you had dated in high school but had big city dreams and went off to nyc or Boston after high school/college to come back to town temporarily due to family events or corporate burnout. 
 

bump into her.  At this point the rest of the narrative is identical to the OP version. 

[South Austin 52,484]

10 hours ago, Burnt Orange in OC said:

6. Ghost her for a week or two. Bump into her again at the grocery store as you’re struggling to make Thanksgiving dinner.

Why are you making Thanksgiving dinner at the grocery store?  Is that where your family lives?   

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4,976]

1 minute ago, DFWTexEx said:

There has to be a gazebo involved somewhere in there.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I believe that is the location of Bone Town.

[txhorns 2,409]

Just let your woman watch the Hallmark movies, she should be ready to fuck afterward.

[GhostOfTomJoad 9,324]

A-, but missed a couple of key opportunities for the protagonist to prove he's really a good guy. Because there's always a small misunderstanding at the beginning when they're reintroduced that makes her suspect he's rude/not worthy of her hatchet wound. Something major like he took the last dozen cake donuts from the bakery seconds before she was going to bring them to the emergency meeting at the animal shelter's fundraiser because it's in danger of shutting down a week before Christmas. Her not bringing the donuts puts the lives of all those animals in jeopardy.

Of course he's unaware of the shelter's precarious position until his lifelong friend he hasn't seen in 20 years tells him about it. Because the friend reminds him, "remember when your grandfather built the shelter by himself with nothing but hand tools? You were named after him, but you go by the nickname he gave you when you were a kid and he totally carved that nickname into the mantle at the shelter? And you made that mantle with him and were on your way to being a master carpenter like him, but his sudden heart attack made you swear off carpentry. Remember that?"

Later he has to help her get her car unstuck from the snow. She's still mad at him because she mistakenly thinks he's there to tear down the shelter and build a Starbucks in its place which will put the local bakery out of business and doom the animals.

But she finds his hidden nickname carved on the mantle. His love for carpentry is rekindled, he breaks out his Grampa's hand tools, they rebuild the shelter in 24 hours, and Christmas eve they bring 2 puppies home to his idyllic cabin that he simultaneously refurbished. There, in front of a roaring fire as heavy snow begins to fall the puppies play with the presents under his perfectly trimmed tree. They kiss, and sexy time is implied.

['stache 21,807]

You're really bad at this. Forgot the most obvious, go ice skating and he catches her when she falls and their eyes meet, but they're not quite ready to go for it yet. And a bunch of other stuff. 

['stache 21,807]

1 hour ago, txhorns said:

Just let your woman watch the Hallmark movies, she should be ready to fuck afterward.

My wife prefers Lifetime. Afterwards, she's ready to kill me before I attempt to murder her first. 

Edited November 18, 2021 by 'stache

[Kennythetiger 9,380]

You dipshits sure know a lot about Hallmark movies. 

[South Austin 52,484]

And don't forget that while he's taking it slow and honorable between Steps 5 and 10, during that time he's jerking off every night like an Olympic champion.

[South Austin 52,484]

Just now, Kennythetiger said:

You dipshits sure know a lot about Hallmark movies. 

Eh, you've seen 30 of them you've seen 'em all.

[Nivek 16,923]

25 minutes ago, South Austin said:

And don't forget that while he's taking it slow and honorable between Steps 5 and 10, during that time he's jerking off every night like an Olympic champion.

Or visiting South Austin's mom on the side.

[GhostOfTomJoad 9,324]

I'm telling ya, a Hallmark After Dark with soft core like the old Skinemax days would be the greatest thing ever.

Wife thinks you're watching a sappy, sentimental holiday movie. She settles in & when it gets to bouncing boobies and moaning with tastefully lit backdrops she's warmed up & good to go. Or she gets pissed at you for pulling the switcheroo in which case you're still gonna fap. Win-win.

[henrygandorf 29,190]

[henrygandorf 29,190]

seems like several of you are in the same boat i'm in.  the wife loves hallmark movies, just like her sister and her mother.  which is weird because my sister and mother do not care for them at all.

sometimes she'll put one on from 2018 or something and after about 10 minutes while i'm playing on my phone i'll be like, "i've fucking seen this one."  happen to anyone else?  i know these movies seem like they're all the same but sometimes they actually are the same.

sidenote - there is some new channel called gac that is not available everywhere (we do not get it).  my wife (through work stuff) knows several of the mid-level hallmark type stars like danica mckellar (we've gone on a double date with them) and apparently danica and others are pushing people really hard to call their providers and complain about not getting it.

i like calling companies and complaining about shit, but this is a bridge too far.  i'm not that good an actor.

[Chuckie Finster 22,694]

4 minutes ago, henrygandorf said:

seems like several of you are in the same boat i'm in.  the wife loves hallmark movies, just like her sister and her mother.  which is weird because my sister and mother do not care for them at all.

sometimes she'll put one on from 2018 or something and after about 10 minutes while i'm playing on my phone i'll be like, "i've fucking seen this one."  happen to anyone else?  i know these movies seem like they're all the same but sometimes they actually are the same.

sidenote - there is some new channel called gac that is not available everywhere (we do not get it).  my wife (through work stuff) knows several of the mid-level hallmark type stars like danica mckellar (we've gone on a double date with them) and apparently danica and others are pushing people really hard to call their providers and complain about not getting it.

i like calling companies and complaining about shit, but this is a bridge too far.  i'm not that good an actor.

It doesn't help that they all seem to star the same people.  Gretchen Wieners is seemingly on my TV every day from Thanksgiving through New Years.

[jimmyjazz 45,909]

My wife is wholly focused on murder shows, typically ID Channel murder shows.

I'm glad I'm not as well-versed in the Hallmark Channel as y'all, but I still think I'm fucked.  

[Pato del Muerto 52,490]

I thought gac was Great American Country, a rival to cmt.  Maybe it is but they’ve gone the mtv route of programming?

[Guest Lobo]

^
That would make for a great cross-genre script.  Big City/All Business female lead comes back to small town to see family for the holidays.  Meets local handsome man who works with his hands, kind smile, and is great with kids.  She wonders why he hasn't found love, thinks it's because he just hasn't met her yet.  Turns out he's been secretly murdering the women he dates from the next town over.  Hard to find love at the bottom of the grave.

[henrygandorf 29,190]

30 minutes ago, longhornmatt said:

Well, obviously you need Gac to fill the void that Lifetime and Hallmark aren’t covering.   Why isn’t there more programming about women leaving the big city hustle and bustle behind for farm gazebo sex on Memorial Day or Veteran’s Day instead of just Thanksgiving and Christmas?  Gac supports our troops and their right to break up big city suit wearer’s engagements on their holidays, too.  Thank you for your service. 

obviously you're not familiar with "christmas in july" or any of the other nonsensical promotional shit they made up to rerun the same trash pretty much all year.

what's funny to me (and gac will likely compound this issue) is that actors like danica mckellar, lacey chabert, joan's ex-husband from mad men who always looks like he has a dip in - they all shoot these holiday movies in march-august, which means they spend their summer months in canada somewhere masquerading itself as a small town in the northeast, where the entire place (one big street) looks like santa's village.

i think i would blow my brains out.  at the beginning of most of these movies, there's always someone who lives in the town who just doesn't get into the spirit of christmas like others do.  why he would choose to live in a small town in upstate new york called "santa-ville" where there's a cookie baking/christmas light competition going on half the year but he doesn't really "get it" is beyond me. 

i always root for that character.  he gets put upon in a way that i identify with.

[henrygandorf 29,190]

1 minute ago, Lobo said:

^
That would make for a great cross-genre script.  Big City/All Business female lead comes back to small town to see family for the holidays.  Meets local handsome man who works with his hands, kind smile, and is great with kids.  She wonders why he hasn't found love, thinks it's because he just hasn't met her yet.  Turns out he's been secretly murdering the women he dates from the next town over.  Hard to find love at the bottom of the grave.

stop drilling, you've struck oil.

[Pato del Muerto 52,490]

3 minutes ago, henrygandorf said:

stop drilling, you've struck oil.

/hank opens Word

Fade in- exterior, opening in a wooded area where we see, from above, a man in a colorful Christmas sweater shoveling dirt onto a grave-like area.  Camera pans left over a thicket of trees and stops on a sign just off the highway, which says “Welcome to Yule Gulch, Vermont.”  After a few seconds, a car enters frame on the Highway with hazard lights on and going very slowly, coming to a stop just past the sign.  A frustrated Lacy Chamert exits the vehicle and dials a tow truck. 
 

etc. 

[Bevo&Pevo 5,131]

Just think if Hallmark made a movie out some the shit posted from the "Official 2021 Bitch about your Family/Holiday Insanity' thread.

[RPM 26,318]

1 hour ago, henrygandorf said:

sidenote - there is some new channel called gac that is not available everywhere (we do not get it). 

Part of the Discovery aquisition/spinoff storm.

On June 7, 2021, Discovery, which had agreed to a proposed merger with WarnerMedia, announced that it would divest Great American Country to GAC Media, an investment group led by private equity investor Tom Hicks and former Crown Media Holdings CEO Bill Abbott (the network's format was duplicated by Discovery's Destination America, making it a surplus asset). GAC Media would also acquire the equestrian network Ride TV.^[7]

In August 2021, GAC Media announced that it would relaunch Great American Country and Ride TV as GAC Family and GAC Living on September 27, with the GAC initials re-backronymed to stand for "Great American Channels";^[8] the channel was repositioned as a family-oriented general entertainment service with similarities to Hallmark Channel, which Abbot had previously overseen as Crown Media CEO.^[9] The previous country lifestyle format was assumed by Ride TV, which concurrently rebranded as the sister channel GAC Living.^[9] After several marathons of past series during the transition, the network officially launched on October 15.

[mchookem 16,330]

i don't know how many of us there are, but i would like to take this opportunity to go on record: despite being in the target demographic, hallmark/lifetime movies make me want to gouge my eyes out. i have never sat thru a single one. same with about 95% of rom-coms. blech 🤮

[Hate 20,108]

Y’all watch too much TV.

[henrygandorf 29,190]

25 minutes ago, RPM said:

Part of the Discovery aquisition/spinoff storm.

On June 7, 2021, Discovery, which had agreed to a proposed merger with WarnerMedia, announced that it would divest Great American Country to GAC Media, an investment group led by private equity investor Tom Hicks and former Crown Media Holdings CEO Bill Abbott (the network's format was duplicated by Discovery's Destination America, making it a surplus asset). GAC Media would also acquire the equestrian network Ride TV.^[7]

In August 2021, GAC Media announced that it would relaunch Great American Country and Ride TV as GAC Family and GAC Living on September 27, with the GAC initials re-backronymed to stand for "Great American Channels";^[8] the channel was repositioned as a family-oriented general entertainment service with similarities to Hallmark Channel, which Abbot had previously overseen as Crown Media CEO.^[9] The previous country lifestyle format was assumed by Ride TV, which concurrently rebranded as the sister channel GAC Living.^[9] After several marathons of past series during the transition, the network officially launched on October 15.

gac = great american christmas, at least right now.

https://www.gacfamily.com/movie/welcome-to-great-american-christmas/

also bonus points for "re-backronymed".  that's fantastic.

[Guest Lobo]

4 minutes ago, Hate said:

Y’all watch too much TV.

I'd like to think there's a female equivalent of "Hate" out there somewhere in middle America.  And every night, after the family goes down to sleep, she queues up some random Hallmark/Lifetime movie from over the last few decades, pours herself a giant tumbler of pinot grigio on the patio, and watches one of 'em on her laptop while posting about it on some mainly-female message board called "Steal Your Face/Steal Your Hearts"  

[Telegraph_it 3,357]

16 hours ago, Burnt Orange in OC said:

Based on the 80-something movies in their extensive library, here's a surefire method for success that will take you from "Lonely Guy On The Couch" to doing the hibbidy dibbidy in just six short weeks:

1. Quit your job in the big city and return home between Halloween and Thanksgiving to some rustic setting with an idyllic name like “Angel Falls” or “Piney Acres.”

2. Find a former high school girlfriend who has just been widowed. Expect her to have two children between the ages of 5 and 8.

3. Bump into her at the small town’s outdoor farmers' market. Expect her to be firmly in the camp of “never going to fall in love again” when you first reconnect. Plan the platonic catch-up for coffee.

4. Accept the platonic catch-up for coffee. Get a phone call five minutes into. Apologize that you have to leave immediately on a family emergency but ask if you can reschedule for a dinner.

5. Meet for dinner at her house. Help male child with homework in subject he is having trouble with or female child with sports skill. Enjoy salad and pasta. Don’t ask why kids inexplicably go to bed at 7 p.m. Look at old high school yearbook after dinner, then excuse yourself before things heat up.

6. Ghost her for a week or two. Bump into her again at the grocery store as you’re struggling to make Thanksgiving dinner.

7. Reluctantly accept invitation to her house for Thanksgiving since it will be her family’s first since her spouse passed.

8. Continue to express interest in male child’s academic struggles and/or female child’s athletic activity. Offer to attend school performance/game on Friday night.

9. Finally – The Big Day…. Be available to hang Christmas lights on the roof (he always did that) on Saturday afternoon. As the sun sinks in the West and the snow begins to fall, go Christmas Tree shopping.

10. Welcome to Bone Town, population You.

[henrygandorf 29,190]

42 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

/hank opens Word final draft.

fixed.

seriously, this is a good idea.  starts as a hallmark, ends as a horror.  could be a series.  kinda like "you" but with a female lead.

i'm on a deadline so this is a perfect day to get sidetracked.  i might write a treatment.  you guys start working on a title.  use hallmark christmas movie titles as your inspiration.  this will definitely be set in a christmas-year-round type of town.

and if you want to do it right, you get mckellar or chabert to be the woman, though they're locked into some horrendous non-compete contracts.

[henrygandorf 29,190]

Just now, henrygandorf said:

fixed.

seriously, this is a good idea.  starts as a hallmark, ends as a horror.  could be a series.  kinda like "you" but with a female lead.

i'm on a deadline so this is a perfect day to get sidetracked.  i might write a treatment.  you guys start working on a title.  use hallmark christmas movie titles as your inspiration.  this will definitely be set in a christmas-year-round type of town.

and if you want to do it right, you get mckellar or chabert to be the woman, though they're locked into some horrendous non-compete contracts.

and to add - she's probably obsessed with hallmark (you'll have to make up a channel) type movies and uses stuff she sees in these movies to trap her prey. 

episode one, old boyfriend moves back to town.

the tone is tricky, but this shit writes itself.

[henrygandorf 29,190]

logline: a single woman in her 30's snaps and begins to murder interested men based on the seduction scenarios from the cliche' hallmark-type tv movies she's obsessed with.

[Guest Lobo]

Most horror movies start out in some idyllic setting/lifestyle/backdrop.  You wanna be careful with the balance of that and the first act setup in our new Hallmark serial killer series.  You still wanna hit the usual tropes of a Hallmark holiday movie with the two leads.  The arc isn't that he's killing because he hasn't found love...it's because he's been killing off her competition because he's yearned for her since high school.  Or we could do it so that she returns home to small town USA not because of being burnt out from big city work life or to see parents/childhood home, but because of her thirst for blood.  The twist was she was the killer the whole time.  She doesn't come home for the holidays to seek out connection and love, she returns home to feed.  

edit---true story...I was typing this as Gandorf posted and I didn't read it because my wife was informing me our plans have changed for holiday travel to Fort Worth just now.  Shit just got real.

Edited November 18, 2021 by Lobo

[Kennythetiger 9,380]

Y’all motherfuckers need Jesus. 

[henrygandorf 29,190]

5 minutes ago, Lobo said:

Most horror movies start out in some idyllic setting/lifestyle/backdrop.  You wanna be careful with the balance of that and the first act setup in our new Hallmark serial killer series.  You still wanna hit the usual tropes of a Hallmark holiday movie with the two leads. 

i was thinking that she works somewhere local, maybe even a seasonal job (post-office might be too on the nose) but she wears her christmas sweaters and her co-workers are like "is your husband still being a scrooge?" and she's like, "oh, you know gerald, every year, he just gets so grumpy around christmas" and somewhere in the 2nd act, we see that when she settles in to watch her nightly hallmark movie, gerald is next to her, and he real dead.  norman bates styles.

he was her first victim.

[Guest Lobo]

Wait, so is she looking for love now because Gerald is dead or because she needs to feed her bloodlust with a new victim?  Or does she just associate the holidays with killing the way I associate it with denial and alcohol?  I'm open to all pitch pivots.

[Francisco 2.0 32,389]

Hallmark has an app for the Apple TV.  For the low price of $4.99 a month, you can stream their entire library of....art.

Want to find that Christmas movie from 2012 that had the cute twins as the kids?  It's on there.

I can honestly say my wife does not have this app, but a friend of hers is addicted to it and pays the monthly fee.  Something about watching Christmas Hallmark movies all year long is alluring, I guess.

 

 

 

 

[henrygandorf 29,190]

10 minutes ago, Lobo said:

Wait, so is she looking for love now because Gerald is dead or because she needs to feed her bloodlust with a new victim?  Or does she just associate the holidays with killing the way I associate it with denial and alcohol?  I'm open to all pitch pivots.

i think she's delusional and thinks her life is one of these movies.  but in her version, she can't finish off the seduction and the dude leaves.  once she finds out that real life is not a hallmark movie, she snaps. 

maybe gerald isn't dead.  maybe she's keeping him captive.  or maybe he left her months ago and she keeps pretending that he's there and being grouchy.  and he has to come back to help catch her.  lots to think about.

[Hate 20,108]

As long as Lacey Chabert is required to be in lingerie for every single scene I will watch...on mute so I can listen to the Grateful Dead while watching.

Edited November 18, 2021 by Hate

[High Plains Drifter 11,046]

 

what about a hallmark christmas movie porno? I would probably watch that.

[Rimbo 25,921]

7 hours ago, DFWTexEx said:

There has to be a gazebo involved somewhere in there.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

But those things are deadly....

 

(old nerds will know of what I speak)

Edited November 18, 2021 by Rimbo

[Underdog 28,620]

Chloroform been mentioned yet? 

[henrygandorf 29,190]

18 minutes ago, High Plains Drifter said:

 

what about a hallmark christmas movie porno? I would probably watch that.

rule 34.