How to get laid, according to the Hallmark Movie Channel

[MonkeyCigarette 143]

I'm usually good for 2, maybe, 3 Hallmark Christmas movies a season. They scratch an itch, I have to admit.

[AUS-97HORN 11758]

got damn the OP got hizzself banned in less than a day.

 

what the heck.

[henrygandorf 29190]

cloak room?  dt?

[GhostOfTomJoad 9324]

I'm usually good for 2, maybe, 3 Hallmark Christmas movies a season. They scratch an itch, I have to admit.

They're actually great to fall to sleep to. Or I should say when my wife is watching one I'm usually dead asleep within 10 minutes.

Turn tje sound down, look at the snow, lights, roaring fires, etc. Works like a charm.

[GhostOfTomJoad 9324]

cloak room?  dt?

DT. Straight trolling. Must've used this as his counterbalance. Obviously not his first rodeo.

[demos 3003]

Just think if Hallmark made a movie out some the shit posted from the "Official 2021 Bitch about your Family/Holiday Insanity' thread.

I’d watch a movie about the waco lights tour.

Let’s get our roll on!

[mchookem 16330]

OP is the one yesterday that was saying Ahmaud Aubrey was on camera committing a crime  and that he had a gun, that's why he was shot. 

 

[henrygandorf 29190]

2 hours ago, mchookem said:

OP is the one yesterday that was saying Ahmaud Aubrey was on camera committing a crime  and that he had a gun, that's why he was shot. 

 

and he got negged?  on daily texan?

/ducks

[Nivek 16924]

How about a hallmark movie sort of like that japanese town populated with puppets but only real dolls instead. During christmas people come to visit and laugh others admire the creep for keeping the village alive. Some campers come and house squat. A few of them rearrange the dolls to be sexually suggestive. And then some of the dolls start showing evidence of violence. You think it is the crazy dude that put them there. The violence increases, including some dismemberments of the dolls. Shenanigans. And then you learn it is one of the campers when they arrest him. The doll man adds some more real doll characters (of the campers) to the village and starts hurting them.

Maybe it turns out that all of the dolls are serial killers or victims of serial killers. If we want to get more weird.

[Guest Lobo]

Holy shit.  Good luck with all that…

[Aqua Buddha 14595]

Getting laid on network TV:

1.  Go work in a hospital

2.  Stay hydrated.

3.  Let the Fuckfest Olympics commence.

[mchookem 16330]

14 minutes ago, longhornmatt said:

The Hallmark serial killer lady needs to have some absurdly petty motivation.   Like she’s murdering people who don’t put up Christmas decorations and therefore “ruin” the town’s holiday aesthetic.   Or she kills the parents of all the kids who won school awards instead of her kid.  “Let’s see if you get perfect attendance at your funeral, bitch!”

[Guest Lobo]

^
I like those subplots, but there has to be a romantic angle to it.  It can't just be serial murder for murder's sake.  That's the Ann Jillian/Meredith Baxter Burney channel.  I think we need one where the romantic male lead needs to be the killer to set the table.  Then all the rest, the female lead can be the murderer in a kinda M. Night twist...is he killing the bad dates around town or is she just thinning out the competition herself???  I'll never tell, bwahahahaha

[NWBuck 8552]

9 hours ago, Lobo said:

Turns out he's been secretly murdering the women he dates from the next town over.  Hard to find love at the bottom of the grave.

Well, with that attitude it certainly is...

[Js1 85320]

57 minutes ago, mchookem said:

Such a good movie 

[henrygandorf 29190]

lots of good feedback so far on this. for such a popular niche genre there really hasn’t been an attempted satire or spoof. it’s on. 

 

[Damor 1236]

Call it  You'd Better Not Pout, You'd Better Not Die.

She sings "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" in a depraved manner a la Eliot Loudermilk each time she snaps.

[Nivek 16924]

The Hallmark serial killer lady needs to have some absurdly petty motivation.   Like she’s murdering people who don’t put up Christmas decorations and therefore “ruin” the town’s holiday aesthetic.   Or she kills the parents of all the kids who won school awards instead of her kid.  “Let’s see if you get perfect attendance at your funeral, bitch!”

She murders her way to the HOA. Abd makes everyone buy fancy wreaths for their front door. Cheap amazon wreaths will get you hurt or killed.

[Nivek 16924]

Holy shit.  Good luck with all that…

Its just a working sy-fy hallmark crosssover. I have already cast Alan Tudyk as the weird real doll hermit in my head.

[VABuckeye 2472]

19 hours ago, jimmyjazz said:

My wife is wholly focused on murder shows, typically ID Channel murder shows.

I'm glad I'm not as well-versed in the Hallmark Channel as y'all, but I still think I'm fucked.  

My wife likes both and recently discovered that YouTubeTV picked up Hallmark a while back.

This is why I have a separate TV room for myself.

[strangulation! 1716]

11 hours ago, longhornmatt said:

The Hallmark serial killer lady needs to have some absurdly petty motivation.   Like she’s murdering people who don’t put up Christmas decorations and therefore “ruin” the town’s holiday aesthetic.   Or she kills the parents of all the kids who won school awards instead of her kid.  “Let’s see if you get perfect attendance at your funeral, bitch!”

[BearSchlong 8087]

20 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

Y’all motherfuckers need Jesus. 

No, I need better hair, a seaplane, a dog, and a closeted but obviously gay friend with an antibellum mansion with a crazy grandfather that blows up anvils.

So I can fuck Reese Witherspoon.

Edited November 19, 2021 by BearSchlong

[BearSchlong 8087]

13 hours ago, Aqua Buddha said:

Getting laid on network TV:

1.  Go work in a hospital

2.  Stay hydrated.

3.  Let the Fuckfest Olympics commence.

OK, I've got a $mmmm idea.  Anyone got Taylor Sheridan's number?

I can already feel the suspense in my vagina. It's Gray's anatomy, but instead of killing patients with sub-par surgical care and awful background music and because they are too busy having emotional and hormonal breakdowns and crying fits and fucking around on each other, they still do all that stuff but the plot twist is one of them is a serial killer - but nobody can figure out who.

 

[DallasHorn26 586]

23 hours ago, henrygandorf said:

seems like several of you are in the same boat i'm in.  the wife loves hallmark movies, just like her sister and her mother.  which is weird because my sister and mother do not care for them at all.

sometimes she'll put one on from 2018 or something and after about 10 minutes while i'm playing on my phone i'll be like, "i've fucking seen this one."  happen to anyone else?  i know these movies seem like they're all the same but sometimes they actually are the same.

sidenote - there is some new channel called gac that is not available everywhere (we do not get it).  my wife (through work stuff) knows several of the mid-level hallmark type stars like danica mckellar (we've gone on a double date with them) and apparently danica and others are pushing people really hard to call their providers and complain about not getting it.

i like calling companies and complaining about shit, but this is a bridge too far.  i'm not that good an actor.

You can't just gloss over this fact. Please tell me some sort of Winnie Cooper fantasy was fulfilled.

[henrygandorf 29190]

12 minutes ago, DallasHorn26 said:

You can't just gloss over this fact. Please tell me some sort of Winnie Cooper fantasy was fulfilled.

a gentleman never talks.

so, no.

[Pato del Muerto 52490]

She probably talked about computational mathematics or whatever her PhD is for nonstop. 

[Nivek 16924]

34 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

She probably talked about computational mathematics or whatever her PhD is for nonstop. 

[Jiggy-Z 3432]

My 70 year old secretary who looks likes like a Mexican Hallmark version of the perfect abuela, is addicted to not only Hallmark but her telenovellas.  Mornings she watches churchy stuff,  afternoons are for romance/smut.

[South Austin 52484]

Have we ever had an original post garner "popular post" status only to see the original poster negged to boliva the same day?  Pretty impressive, Surly.

[Hornbeliever 712]

I don't recognize any Hallmark plot if you fail to include the endearing "baking cookies with future stepkids and somehow, you have flour on your cheek" scene.

 

 

[Guest Lobo]

"That's not flour on her cheek."

-Hallmark...After Dark

---OR---

"It is flour, but it's not on the cheeks you're thinking of..."

-Hallmark...After Dark

I dunno, we're workshopping it.  Blame it on Hornbeliever, he's the one that injected "Step" into the conversation.  Shit, now that I think about it...it's about a dead heat between which network---Hallmark or Pornhub---has the most videos with "step" in the description. 

 

 

 

[Prepuce of Doom 21071]

25 minutes ago, Lobo said:

"That's not flour on her cheek."

-Hallmark...After Dark

---OR---

"It is flour, but it's not on the cheeks you're thinking of..."

-Hallmark...After Dark

I dunno, we're workshopping it.  Blame it on Hornbeliever, he's the one that injected "Step" into the conversation.  Shit, now that I think about it...it's about a dead heat between which network---Hallmark or Pornhub---has the most videos with "step" in the description. 

 

 

 

There's something a lot like this posted within the last week or so in the NSFW LOL thread. 

[Pato del Muerto 52490]

Hallmark…after dusk is more like it. 

[millhouse 2604]

Holly, jolly, hit man.

Just finished his last hit and goes to some random small town during the holiday to clear his head and lay low. After a random encounter, town busy body (Holly?) falls for his rugged looks/standoffish demeanor and wants to be the one to fix him. He eventually falls too and thinks it's time to put the old life away and settle down. Something from his past catches up to him and he has to do one last hit....and it is her.

[closetohumping 17440]

Part 2: How a big city businessman loses his girl to guy in flannel shirt

[Nivek 16924]

Holly, jolly, hit man.
Just finished his last hit and goes to some random small town during the holiday to clear his head and lay low. After a random encounter, town busy body (Holly?) falls for his rugged looks/standoffish demeanor and wants to be the one to fix him. He eventually falls too and thinks it's time to put the old life away and settle down. Something from his past catches up to him and he has to do one last hit....and it is her.

And next season we do the same thing only with a gender reversal.

[henrygandorf 29190]

15 hours ago, millhouse said:

Holly, jolly, hit man.

Just finished his last hit and goes to some random small town during the holiday to clear his head and lay low. After a random encounter, town busy body (Holly?) falls for his rugged looks/standoffish demeanor and wants to be the one to fix him. He eventually falls too and thinks it's time to put the old life away and settle down. Something from his past catches up to him and he has to do one last hit....and it is her.

i don't hate this.

[Prepuce of Doom 21071]

15 hours ago, millhouse said:

Holly, jolly, hit man.

Just finished his last hit and goes to some random small town during the holiday to clear his head and lay low. After a random encounter, town busy body (Holly?) falls for his rugged looks/standoffish demeanor and wants to be the one to fix him. He eventually falls too and thinks it's time to put the old life away and settle down. Something from his past catches up to him and he has to do one last hit....and it is her.

Fairly close to this movie. 

 

[Pato del Muerto 52490]

You could do a Christmas themed my blue heaven too. Maybe the guy gets found because his house wins the town lighting contest and his pic gets put in the local paper’s online page. 

Edited November 20, 2021 by Pato del Muerto

[Pato del Muerto 52490]

Or a Christmas gross pointe blank

[mchookem 16330]

15 hours ago, millhouse said:

Holly, jolly, hit man.

Just finished his last hit and goes to some random small town during the holiday to clear his head and lay low. After a random encounter, town busy body (Holly?) falls for his rugged looks/standoffish demeanor and wants to be the one to fix him. He eventually falls too and thinks it's time to put the old life away and settle down. Something from his past catches up to him and he has to do one last hit....and it is her.

 

[henrygandorf 29190]

3 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

You could do a Christmas themed my blue heaven too. Maybe the guy gets found because his house wins the town lighting contest and his pic gets put in the local paper’s online page. 

or combine the 2 ideas - two criminals laying low in the same hallmark-y christmas town…until they discover each other and all hell breaks loose. 

[Pato del Muerto 52490]

40 minutes ago, henrygandorf said:

or combine the 2 ideas - two criminals laying low in the same hallmark-y christmas town…until they discover each other and all hell breaks loose. 

Ooooooh. One witness relocation and has settled into small town life.  Girl’s car breaks down while passing through. They hit it off, fall in love. She posts a pic to social media of them unbeknownst to him, and her cousin recognizes him and his crew heads out to kill him.  But he sees the pic on her phone with a reply from the cousin, sees his name and is ready for them. 

[Hook1997 5354]

How many of these hallmark Christmas movies have they made about someone going back to their home town to buy a hotel, cabin, b&b or inn for their corporate employer and falling in love and moving back home?   I swear everyone I’ve turned on in the last four years has had this same theme.  Are they running short on writers with new ideas?  

Edited November 24, 2021 by Hook1997

[mr. sunshine 2824]

Does Hallmark do the serial killer thing? I think some of y’all confusing it with Lifetime Movie Network. Once saw two pregnant women have a knife fight on there. Ouch 

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4976]

If you're gonna make this, you have to play it straight for the first act. Second act hints start dropping that something isn't as it seems. Third act is a full on bloodbath. But there can't be any hint of the third act in any of the promotional materials. The title has to be a generic hallmark movie type title. You gotta suck the ladies in with what they think is a generic hallmark Christmas movie and then drop a few gallons of blood on them.

[TriStone 1724]

On 11/20/2021 at 1:41 PM, Prepuce of Doom said:

Fairly close to this movie. 

 

I really liked this movie back in the day.  Had a major crush on Kimberly Williams when I was a yute.

[Prepuce of Doom 21071]

33 minutes ago, TriStone said:

I really liked this movie back in the day.  Had a major crush on Kimberly Williams when I was a yute.

Same - it's not an Oscar winner, but I thought it deserved more attention than it received. 

[Guest]

On 11/18/2021 at 10:00 AM, Kennythetiger said:

You dipshits sure know a lot about Hallmark movies. 

Some people have foxnews on24/7.  Not at Casa del Slorcho. It’s average looking peoplewith impossibly good luck all day every day.

All things considered, IDGAF; but I have been forbidden from ad-libbing commentary and turning Hallmark Channel into Surly TV. 

[henrygandorf 29190]

11 hours ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

If you're gonna make this, you have to play it straight for the first act. Second act hints start dropping that something isn't as it seems. Third act is a full on bloodbath. But there can't be any hint of the third act in any of the promotional materials. The title has to be a generic hallmark movie type title. You gotta suck the ladies in with what they think is a generic hallmark Christmas movie and then drop a few gallons of blood on them.