Gather 'round, young surls, for the retelling of a classic Christmas story

[Beau Vine 54340]

After much deliberation, I will reluctantly tell the story of my family touring the Christmas lights in Waco last week.

My wife told me about this thing at the beginning of December. To be honest I had forgotten all about it until the night before. I did not want to go. Call me a scrooge but riding around looking at electricity captured in colored bulbs is not my idea of entertainment. However, the kids were looking forward to it and apparently at some point I had agreed to do it.

This little tour got us for 6 bucks a head. My wife, her parents, our 4 kids and I all went. Now I wasn’t a math major but that's $48 to ride around in a trolley and look at lights. WTF? (I found this out the day of)

So we drive all the way the hell to downtown Waco and sit and wait for this trolley to take us on the tour. They’ve got a tree, Santa, hot cocoa- All that shit. Finally all the trolleys roll up and Shaquandra our official Christmas lights tour guide hops out and says “Y’all going to look at the lights?....(pause) Okay den let’s get our roll on!”  

My initial gripe is that the bitch is driving at mach speed and you can’t see shit but a blurry-ass Santa and the occasional Wal-Mart $9.99 wire light-up reindeer. My father-in-law asks if she could slow down a bit so that we could take pictures and appreciate the lights a little more..(his words not mine). By this time I’ve already leaned over and whispered in my wife’s ear “$48 for this shit?”  She gives me the obligatory elbow and “stop being like that”

We roll along for about 15 minutes looking at every tacky piece of shit overkill light extravaganza in East Waco. Suddenly we get on the highway and start heading to the other side of town. We ride for a good 12-15 minutes without seeing a single damn house decorated. So I lean over to the wife again and say “umm where the hell are we going?”
Elbow “shut up” and all that again. Shaquandra has Mariah Carey’s Christmas cd blasting and we just getting our roll on...and then it happened.

Signs and streets started to look really familiar. My oldest daughter says “hey there’s HEB.” As in the HEB right down the road from our house (approx. 1/2 mile)
I lean over to the wife again “This bitch better not turn right at this light!”
What does the driver do????? That’s right folks, fucking turns right and heads right to our neighborhood. Not only our neighborhood “BUT OUR FUCKING STREET!!

I am just at a loss for words by this point. I cannot believe this is happening. Street after street, house after house for a good 30 minutes. The driver is going on and on about “oooh like over thurr- look at the Santa up on the roof kids.” I know bitch “I'M THE ONE THAT FUCKING PUT HIS FAT ASS UP THERE LAST WEEK"

I can’t type this anymore it's just too painful. The point is, we spent almost $50 to look at the Christmas lights in our own damn neighborhood. My wife just hung her head in shame. I’ll be in charge of Christmas spirit next year thank you very much.

[Newdoc 3448]

Best (whatever iteration of Surly) Christmas story ever. Lulz for sure.

[workswithseed 2109]

It's like our very own "Night Before Christmas." It needs to be retold, because it's tradition.

[retread 2951]

Beautiful

[Murfdogg21 4419]

$48 for worthless bullshit doesn’t seem as outrageous in 2021 as it did in 2013.

[atomheartbevo 89771]

5 minutes ago, Murfdogg21 said:

$48 for worthless bullshit doesn’t seem as outrageous in 2021 as it did in 2013.

$48 will get you 3 sodas/bottles of water, and 3 small boxes of candy, all of which would cost you under $10 at HEB.

[Helobious 9464]

“Shaquandra our official Christmas lights tour guide” gets me 100% of the time

[AUS-97HORN 11812]

34 minutes ago, Murfdogg21 said:

$48 for worthless bullshit doesn’t seem as outrageous in 2021 as it did in 2013.

it wasnt 2013.  it was 2006

[RPM 26333]

55 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

Okay den let’s get our roll on!”  

Brings a tear to my eyes every year.

[Lerka Lerka 1088]

So good. Gets me every time. 

[52-80 19214]

7 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

 Call me a scrooge but riding around looking at electricity captured in colored bulbs is not my idea of entertainment.

yeah this definitely some boolshit

[Guest]

Ode de Wide-E-Wide.

[DigglerontheHoof 21209]

May God bless us, every one. 

[ChickenSandwich 9845]

Surly should fund a short film of this classic event. Cast regulars for the parts with Immac of course playing Jesus as they pass by the church. 
 

One of the 4 females could be the MC

 

Make it happen, let’s get our roll on. 

[HornOnTheBayou 8944]

Everytime this thread gets bumped, an angel gets its wings. 

[Native Horn 3506]

My favorite line is "and apparently at some point I had agreed to do it."  Story of many a married man's life.

[RDCanecutter 26461]

The victimhood began when OP bought and strung up his own Christmas lights. The trolley ride was merely dessert at the end of a three-course meal of conformity.

Next year, go religious, and let a pregnant refugee couple camp in the garage.

[TexasEd 8067]

[Homercles 10206]

I keep this story in mind every year as a perfect example of why I fucking hate the holidays.  Hasn’t truly been about relaxing with family since I got married and had kids.  

[CHIEF 5094]

It never gets old.

CHIEF

[RPM 26333]

This really needs to be a Surly crowdsourced holiday short film. Instant classic.

[Mez2 4025]

This story never fails to crack me up

[Beau Vine 54340]

3 hours ago, ChickenSandwich said:

Surly should fund a short film of this classic event. Cast regulars for the parts with Immac of course playing Jesus as they pass by the church. 
 

One of the 4 females could be the MC

 

Make it happen, let’s get our roll on. 

Who is going to play Shaquandra?

[RPM 26333]

2 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

Who is going to play Shaquandra?

Vic can do open casting.

[Armybrat 40861]

11 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

Who is going to play Shaquandra?

Why, the Baylor tailgate beer thief of course!

[RPM 26333]

I don't use this shout out often, but @THUJONE really should put this holiday classic on canvas.

[Onboard 2.0 9083]

Haven't we already heard this story from Brisket or another of the regulars ?

[Beau Vine 54340]

21 minutes ago, Onboard 2.0 said:

Haven't we already heard this story from Brisket or another of the regulars ?

[TexasBeta 1265]

Why has this not been made into Christmas movie yet?

[Fudge Nuggets 19210]

It's not Christmas season until this gets posted, the Charlie Brown Christmas show comes on and you get a 90 degree re-awakening of the blast furnace in December.

[Guest]

44 minutes ago, Onboard 2.0 said:

Haven't we already heard this story from Brisket or another of the regulars ?

The best part of Wayne’s World was the debut of Bohemian Rhapsody, right?

[Clackles 276]

While the OG source is well known, I do think OP needs to pay appropriate homage to wide-e-wide.

[BlueGreySky 1024]

Now it's officially the Christmas (Advent) season.  Gotdam national treasure, this story is. 

And this, this is pure fucking poetry, ""oooh like over thurr- look at the Santa up on the roof kids.” I know bitch I'M THE ONE THAT FUCKING PUT HIS FAT ASS UP THERE LAST WEEK"

[Harrison Bergeron 1798]

1 hour ago, Beau Vine said:

Who is going to play Shaquandra?

<Trigger Warning>

Spoiler

 

[Harrison Bergeron 1798]

12 hours ago, Murfdogg21 said:

$48 for worthless bullshit doesn’t seem as outrageous in 2021 as it did in 2013.

The biggest difference since 2013:

- Train re-branded "Magnolia Bus"

- Santa Claus replaced by gigantic lightup Joanna Gaines

- Tour just drives through the ghetto to the 10, perfectly manufactured fixer uppers

[Dennis Taylor 18849]

This is the Gilbert Godfried version of "The Aristocrats" of Christmas lights stories

[AUS-97HORN 11812]

3 hours ago, Harrison Bergeron said:

The biggest difference since 2013:

- Train re-branded "Magnolia Bus"

- Santa Claus replaced by gigantic lightup Joanna Gaines

- Tour just drives through the ghetto to the 10, perfectly manufactured fixer uppers

it was 2006.    not 2013.

it was literally one of the last viral threads on HF.

 

The kids in this story have all probably graduated college.  or in their senior year if not.

Edited December 6, 2021 by AUS-97HORN

[Wally Fairway 5571]

Thanks @beau

Makes it seem like Christmas

[Bevo&Pevo 5215]

 

[Sbbruin 21866]

20 hours ago, workswithseed said:

It's like our very own "Night Before Christmas." It needs to be retold, because it's tradition.

I think I'll gather my kids around the fire on Christmas eve and read this to them.

[Scheiss Meister 8408]

My son and his wife live in Waco.  Every time we visit them this time of year I look for a Santa on a roof and remember Wide-e-Wide and his Christmas classic.

I have the physique and the white beard.  I'll volunteer to be the Santa on the roof in the movie.

[1978horn 895]

Just read this to my 15 yr old son and had him crying. Life is good!

[RPM 26333]

56 minutes ago, 1978horn said:

Just read this to my 15 yr old son and had him crying. Life is good!

You're raising him right.

[Pescado_Rojo 19427]

On 12/6/2021 at 2:29 PM, AUS-97HORN said:

it was 2006.    not 2013.

it was literally one of the last viral threads on HF.

 

The kids in this story have all probably graduated college.  or in their senior year if not.

[Biff Tannen 45697]

21 hours ago, Scheiss Meister said:

I have the physique and the white beard.  I'll volunteer to be the Santa on the roof in the movie.

No offense, but I think it has to be @Hornius Emeritus 

[MissingInAction 25144]

This post means I can now plug in the Christmas lights I never took down from last year. 

[Scheiss Meister 8408]

56 minutes ago, Biff Tannen said:

No offense, but I think it has to be @Hornius Emeritus 

No offense taken.  My beard doesn't come close to competing with his.  Just want to do my part.  Maybe I can be Drunk Neighbor on Porch instead.

Edited December 8, 2021 by Scheiss Meister
S? C? Whatever

[Hornius Emeritus 12480]

51 minutes ago, Biff Tannen said:

No offense, but I think it has to be @Hornius Emeritus 

I've got the hair and the beard but I'd have to add about 125 .lbs.  If I may humblebrag, all this exercise during the pandemic has left me pretty lean. I thought my abs were gone forever but they were still there, camping out for the last 35 years. 

[Modessit 5603]

For $20 a vehicle you could have gone to BLORA and had a much better time.

[NoRagrets 1125]

Driving back from Dallas after Thanksgiving We saw a line of cars a mile long waiting to get into some bullshit light thing near San Marcos.

I cut my wife off before she could ask with “That is my personal hell. No.”