Shart 2022: Lil' Deuce Deuce

[MissingInAction 25,187]

Went to Austin Diner yesterday and sat at the bar to avoid the wait. 

They are totally slammed and dishes are piling up. I notice a bucket of .. something .. right by the ice tea maker. 

I can tell this place would be shut down if an inspector walked in but I was hungry and hungover so I ordered my ultimate breakfast and chowed down. 

I wasn't a mile down the road towards home and the bidet before I was dealing with a world class clencher. 

This is a situation when having a large ass is an advantage other than wrestling.

Got home and jumped on the toilet. Pulling my cheeks apart for the bidet was like splitting a grilled cheese. 

30 psi to the crime scene was just what I needed.

[nnm 36,640]

NFL shart avoided.

 

['stache 21,866]

22 minutes ago, nnm said:

NFL shart avoided.

 

[Prepuce of Doom 21,103]

[YGIFS 19,452]

I had no idea the term "bubble guts" until Rod Babers used it about 37 times on the 104.9 afternoon show last week.  

I also had a close call this morning while working.  All the stuff I ate before the game and at ACL all weekend decided to make itself known out of the complete blue.  No pre-shit farts or anything.  Just on a dime, felt a stool about to peak out.  Damn, had to flush three times.  Shartnado avoided.  Barely.

[Prepuce of Doom 21,103]

Spoiler

 

[ScottS 1,075]

 

[Prepuce of Doom 21,103]

Checking in by proxy for the Doomlet. 

Edited November 12, 2022 by Prepuce of Doom

[Marfa Low Crown 2,548]

Well, it had been pretty smooth sailing for a while until things ran aground last night and I recreated the Exxon Valdez disaster in my pants.

Was out with some friends at the local bar and went to take a leak. The line was long but there's a dark alley behind the place I've used many times to bypass this exact situation. For total concealment I get behind a shed that's back there and let it go. Felt a fart coming and maybe I relaxed the ass muscles too much, I really don't know but this was a straight up mud slick and I knew it was bad. Real bad. 

The ONLY thing that saved me shitting straight through my pants was the thermal underwear I was also wearing. I'd put them on for warmth when the front came through but I had no idea their dying gift to me would be so much more.  Time was of the essence so I stripped down naked below the waist as quickly as possible. Underwear and thermals were toast, instant toilet paper, pretty routine there.... but the real moment was holding my pants up to the light of a nearby telephone pole. Please, please, be clean I prayed. Thank god they were. I was so lucky. Had this happened in the tiny bathroom I'd have had no hiding spot to conceal the wreckage of my underwear. The only way I could have resolved it would have been to carry them out of the bathroom with me through the entire bar undoubtedly leaving a scent trail of utter foulness in my wake. Instead, I threw the tangled and ruined bundle onto the top of the shed and smartly walked back into the bar to rejoin my friends. I ordered another beer and said, " Sorry, long line at the restroom. Ok so what were we talking about?". 

[Mudcat35 196]

I should have seen this one coming.  

I've had a persistent cough for the last couple of weeks, and have been prone to coughing fits that go on for several seconds.  Here I am today, standing in the bathroom taking a leak, when a coughing fit hits.

You know the rest.

[YGIFS 19,452]

You gotta start watching the sneezing/coughing once you hit 45. They don't tell you that, but that's the case.  I was doing so well on diet the last few months, and the nice plus was consistent regularity in the mornings.  Went to see in-laws Thu-Sun and every single throat clearing scares the fuck outta me.  MiL is a fantastic cook but it was just heavy meal on heavy meal (with veggies mind you).  And I got stopped up before I even arrived.  And last 30  hours we've  been home, I am terrified of what's to come.  literally every cough is a temptation of nature.  And the flatulence smells like an avocado fisting a deviled egg on an unlicensed cruise-ship sanitary tank jettison over the Atlantic.  

[elfenix 34,332]

Quote

Vladimir Putin ‘fell down stairs and suffered bruising to his coccyx’ at home

‘Before the examination, the doctors escorted the president to the bathroom and helped to clean up.’

https://metro.co.uk/2022/12/02/vladimir-putin-suffers-fell-down-stairs-at-official-residence-in-moscow-17866336/?ITO=msn

['stache 21,866]

I thought this would be the best thread to consult. I’m getting over strep and a weeklong antibiotic treatment that has given me constant mudbutt. My poop is finally normal again but my starfish still itches like crazy. I’ve been keeping it very clean but the itch is lingering. I’ve been using baby ointments but it seem to only provide temporary relief. Any of you got an ointment recommendation? 

[nnm 36,640]

3 hours ago, 'stache said:

I thought this would be the best thread to consult. I’m getting over strep and a weeklong antibiotic treatment that has given me constant mudbutt. My poop is finally normal again but my starfish still itches like crazy. I’ve been keeping it very clean but the itch is lingering. I’ve been using baby ointments but it seem to only provide temporary relief. Any of you got an ointment recommendation? 

The bidet thread is that way —->
Seriously, it’s the only answer. 

[Prepuce of Doom 21,103]

11 hours ago, 'stache said:

I thought this would be the best thread to consult. I’m getting over strep and a weeklong antibiotic treatment that has given me constant mudbutt. My poop is finally normal again but my starfish still itches like crazy. I’ve been keeping it very clean but the itch is lingering. I’ve been using baby ointments but it seem to only provide temporary relief. Any of you got an ointment recommendation? 

Congratulations on your pinworm infestation. 

[HeHateMe 888]

15 hours ago, 'stache said:

I thought this would be the best thread to consult. I’m getting over strep and a weeklong antibiotic treatment that has given me constant mudbutt. My poop is finally normal again but my starfish still itches like crazy. I’ve been keeping it very clean but the itch is lingering. I’ve been using baby ointments but it seem to only provide temporary relief. Any of you got an ointment recommendation? 

So a buddy of mine put a power point together on this topic for a golf trip.  I don’t have the power point but I’ll give you the 3 step process to relieve ass rot.

Step 1 - Take the hottest shower you can that won’t melt your skin off.  Spread cheeks and scrub the starfish with the hottest soapy water that you can tolerate.  Loofa>washcloth 

Step 2 - After shower get your asshole bone dry, think blow dryer not towel.

Step 3 - Apply a generous amount of Boudreaux’s Butt Paste (Red tube not the yellow) to the tender/itchy area.  Wear some loose fitting gym shorts to bed and get a minimum of 8 hours in before your next shower.  
 

The guy who put this together is an MD, for the record, and I can vouch for its effectiveness.  God speed.

[Js1 85,575]

10 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

Congratulations on your pinworm infestation. 

[Marfa Low Crown 2,548]

On 12/7/2022 at 11:17 PM, HeHateMe said:

So a buddy of mine put a power point together on this topic for a golf trip.  I don’t have the power point but I’ll give you the 3 step process to relieve ass rot.

Step 1 - Take the hottest shower you can that won’t melt your skin off.  Spread cheeks and scrub the starfish with the hottest soapy water that you can tolerate.  Loofa>washcloth 

Step 2 - After shower get your asshole bone dry, think blow dryer not towel.

Step 3 - Apply a generous amount of Boudreaux’s Butt Paste (Red tube not the yellow) to the tender/itchy area.  Wear some loose fitting gym shorts to bed and get a minimum of 8 hours in before your next shower.  
 

The guy who put this together is an MD, for the record, and I can vouch for its effectiveness.  God speed.

 If this doesn't work I can make a recommendation if you have access to lemon cookies, a bicycle horn, and eventually a hammer. 

[Prepuce of Doom 21,103]

26 minutes ago, Marfa Low Crown said:

 If this doesn't work I can make a recommendation if you have access to lemon cookies, a bicycle horn, and eventually a hammer. 

That's not going to help - what he really needs is 31 eggs, 30 lemon sugar cookies, and eventually, the hammer. 

[Longhornstampede 3,186]

He needs to take more length 

[Sbbruin 21,888]

Checking before year end.  But there extenuating circumstances.  Got my guts rearranged Monday during surgery.   They’ve been pumping me with all manner of cocktails of drugs, including laxatives.  My only food is a goo fed from a bag directly into my small intestine.  Gas buildup is a common side effect.  Well yesterday I gambled and lost.  Poor nurses had to deal with me like I was a 3 month old baby.  Better them than me I guess.  I have a cute Asian nurse scheduled to give me a suppository, plus 10mg of Oxy before bedtime.  I’ll make sure she gets it up there good.

[Incredulity 11,683]

18 hours ago, Sbbruin said:

Poor nurses had to deal with me like I was a 3 month old baby.  Better them than me I guess.  I have a cute Asian nurse scheduled to give me a suppository, plus 10mg of Oxy before bedtime.  I’ll make sure she gets it up there good.

All this costs extra in Singapore.

[SurlyGator 876]

4 hours ago, Incredulity said:

All this costs extra in Singapore.

It’s not exactly cheap this way either…

[Sbbruin 21,888]

1 hour ago, SurlyGator said:

It’s not exactly cheap this way either…

No shit.  Thank god for good insurance.  My sharting out-of-pockets are minimal.

[Guest]

Hadn’t had a Mexican Pizza in probably 3-4 years Stopped and got one and some kind of cheesy fake meat burrito and got home just in time for the Mart-Albany game last night. Had 3 beers.  Went to bed. 
  Woke myself up farting at least twice. Dogs woke me up at 530 to eat and it sounded like urban warfare from my ass as I walked to back door.  ‘Damn Ih yeah.  Taco Bell…’

Then the gut bubbles start like someone dropped mentos in a coke bottle.  Made it to the commode as Krakatoa erupted.  My gawd.  Lava like slurry and sludge seemingly forever with the NYE fireworks show at the end. 
If I ever do get Taco Bell again, it will definitely not be on the road or out of town.  Damn.  I’m a gross motherfucker and I was still amazed. 

[tx ind 7,013]

On 12/7/2022 at 8:05 AM, 'stache said:

I thought this would be the best thread to consult. I’m getting over strep and a weeklong antibiotic treatment that has given me constant mudbutt. My poop is finally normal again but my starfish still itches like crazy. I’ve been keeping it very clean but the itch is lingering. I’ve been using baby ointments but it seem to only provide temporary relief. Any of you got an ointment recommendation? 

[Sbbruin 21,888]

On 12/7/2022 at 6:05 AM, 'stache said:

I thought this would be the best thread to consult. I’m getting over strep and a weeklong antibiotic treatment that has given me constant mudbutt. My poop is finally normal again but my starfish still itches like crazy. I’ve been keeping it very clean but the itch is lingering. I’ve been using baby ointments but it seem to only provide temporary relief. Any of you got an ointment recommendation? 

Yes, it is expensive, but as someone who has had all many of butt problems, including hemorrhoids that had to be surgically dealt with.  I had bad itching, tried a bunch of different options, and had great success with Pranicura 5.  Kind of expensive, but it lasts a long time and really works.  You gotta follow the directions to a tee, which are kind of involved, but way worth it to get the butt to stop itching. 

[956 Worldwide 34,772]

Earlier this week I stopped by a Christmas market and ordered this type of stew thing. As I’m eating it I think it’s just not as hot as I’d like but it tastes good and I down the bowl. Going to bed I have a bit of a rumble but don’t think much of it.

Around 0315, I groggily feel a bubble in the old gut and think a massive, blanket lifting fart is in order. Instead I just hear silence and feel liquid. Now fully awake and shamed, I do the butt clinch shuffle to the toilet where I coat the porcelain with foul yellow shitpiss. Then some massive farts, then more shitpiss. Toss the drawers in the washer but it was only the beginning of 24 hours of alternating violent barfing or spewing bile out my ass. Even a glass of water just came straight back up. 
 

Somewhat back on track but my gut is still anything but regular. 

[MissingInAction 25,187]

It always starts out so.... innocently...

[elfenix 34,332]

🎵 in the middle of the night

i had the rsv

in the middle of the night

i sharted in my sleep 🎵