Shit you've heard in the workplace

[Longboard Horn 40163]

We all have heard random and off color shit in our lifetimes. Thought it would be fun to share. 

Here's a gem from this morning. Just happened. 

We were talking about Mexican luchadores and lucha libres and one of my coworkers said he would bring his lucha mask on Friday since it was custom made. Then one of the ladies in the office says, "oh, isn't that what people wear when they partake in S&M?" According to her, lucha libres are part of S&M fetish. A few of us are still laughing out loud at that. 

[Ojo Rojo 1908]

Had our EOY meeting to go over finances for the last year, projections and initiatives for the new year, admin stuff.  I was going through the P&L and I said we had a net loss of X.  My office manager pipes up and says, "Well, technically, we didn't have a net loss because we spent X on Y."  So I calmly said, "Actually, this is the P&L for the year and it shows a net loss. That means we spent X more than we brought in last year. So it is technically a loss." She proceeded to argue with me for several minutes about it.

[Parliament 14145]

58 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Had our EOY meeting to go over finances for the last year, projections and initiatives for the new year, admin stuff.  I was going through the P&L and I said we had a net loss of X.  My office manager pipes up and says, "Well, technically, we didn't have a net loss because we spent X on Y."  So I calmly said, "Actually, this is the P&L for the year and it shows a net loss. That means we spent X more than we brought in last year. So it is technically a loss." She proceeded to argue with me for several minutes about it.

Csb?

[NeverMarryAStripper 21783]

If her salary is greater than X then I think you have a solution

[Doze 1322]

37 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

If her salary is greater than X then I think you have a solution

Gonna need pics of the Office Manager before rendering a decision. 

[Scheiss Meister 8399]

Was giving a guy a poor annual evaluation a while back.  After acting surprised, he told me that he understood that his performance was sub-par, but it was my fault.  I should promote him so that he would be motivated to do the work of his current job.  When I pointed out that it doesn't work that way, he saved me the trouble of firing him.

[Marfa Low Crown 2544]

Years ago when I waited tables I had a large party of gay men in my section. Every time I approached the table they would all stop talking. Towards the end of their meal I went by to clear some last few things and a man who had his back to me was talking.

His friends faces went blank and one of them was trying to motion to him to stop speaking but it wasn’t fast enough to stop him from blurting out with a heavy lisp, “So I told him, Steve, if you can’t find my prostate I mean just don’t even bother!”. 

[Sandman 3403]

Our building had a leak and they're using heaters all over to try and dry out the carpets and inside the drywall. So it's been almost 90 degrees in here for a few days. My 60+ year old coworker (who can't shut up in a normal situation) tells anyone who walks by how wet her underwear happens to be right now. 

[jeevsie 3724]

That's the effect you have on the ladies, isn't it?

Edited January 11, 2022 by jeevsie

[Knoxtnhorn 5937]

Our school secretary is dealing with colon cancer.  She sends out a daily e-mail with info for teachers and staff.  Occasionally, she'll update her own status - at times with TMI.  A few weeks ago, she stated that she was getting ready to be tested to see if the cancer had gone into remission.  A couple of days later, she let us know that she failed the "remission" test and would need to go back on chemo.  I'm not sure if she meant to, but one of the teachers hit "reply all" and told her she should have studied harder.

 

[Chewbacca 7730]

3 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Had our EOY meeting to go over finances for the last year, projections and initiatives for the new year, admin stuff.  I was going through the P&L and I said we had a net loss of X.  My office manager pipes up and says, "Well, technically, we didn't have a net loss because we spent X on Y."  So I calmly said, "Actually, this is the P&L for the year and it shows a net loss. That means we spent X more than we brought in last year. So it is technically a loss." She proceeded to argue with me for several minutes about it.

[accounting nerd]Depends whether noncash expenses contributed to the loss.[/accounting nerd]

[Upgrayedd 5806]

3 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Had our EOY meeting to go over finances for the last year, projections and initiatives for the new year, admin stuff.  I was going through the P&L and I said we had a net loss of X.  My office manager pipes up and says, "Well, technically, we didn't have a net loss because we spent X on Y."  So I calmly said, "Actually, this is the P&L for the year and it shows a net loss. That means we spent X more than we brought in last year. So it is technically a loss." She proceeded to argue with me for several minutes about it.

Have you tried making it up in volume?

[EE2B 1561]

I work in a paper mill so I’ve heard plenty of dumb shit. The tough part is when the dumb shit comes in the form of a telephone call at 2am. I had an operator call me one night to tell me he couldn’t get his kiln burner to lite. It was already lit and had been for quite a while. Apparently our controls are so good the shit operates itself.

I had an operator ask if a valve was residential or commercial. It was most definitely commercial

We had one ask for limo tint on the window of the control room because the sun was too bright.

[Underdog 28458]

1 hour ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Our school secretary is dealing with colon cancer.  She sends out a daily e-mail with info for teachers and staff.  Occasionally, she'll update her own status - at times with TMI.  A few weeks ago, she stated that she was getting ready to be tested to see if the cancer had gone into remission.  A couple of days later, she let us know that she failed the "remission" test and would need to go back on chemo.  I'm not sure if she meant to, but one of the teachers hit "reply all" and told her she should have studied harder.

 

Good thing I already have my reservation for Hell cause I laughed at the studied harder email. 

[Gunsup 56]

I saw the title of the thread and thought Dirtbike was back.  Damn.

[Patricio Swayze 17058]

Oh Christ, I could add a ton to this thread. Maybe later this evening. I’ll start with this one:

The racist, religious, bitter old man I worked with on a BP offshore job told me about how he was responsible for getting rid of the barn cats when he was growing up. He would take the kittens around to the neighbors. But after a couple of litters, all the neighbors had cats and no one wanted more. So he took the litter and put them in a sack and buried them alive.

Yep.

[After irth 1243]

7 hours ago, Upgrayedd said:

Have you tried making it up in volume?

They’d be better off if they just wrote it off. 

Amirite?

[Bevo&Pevo 5038]

4 hours ago, Patricio Swayze said:

Oh Christ, I could add a ton to this thread. Maybe later this evening. I’ll start with this one:

The racist, religious, bitter old man I worked with on a BP offshore job told me about how he was responsible for getting rid of the barn cats when he was growing up. He would take the kittens around to the neighbors. But after a couple of litters, all the neighbors had cats and no one wanted more. So he took the litter and put them in a sack and buried them alive.

Yep.

I guess he didn't have any ty raps?

[NWBuck 8548]

6 hours ago, Patricio Swayze said:

Oh Christ, I could add a ton to this thread. Maybe later this evening. I’ll start with this one:

The racist, religious, bitter old man I worked with on a BP offshore job told me about how he was responsible for getting rid of the barn cats when he was growing up. He would take the kittens around to the neighbors. But after a couple of litters, all the neighbors had cats and no one wanted more. So he took the litter and put them in a sack and buried them alive.

Yep.

Defeated?

[RPM 26236]

8 hours ago, Patricio Swayze said:

Oh Christ, I could add a ton to this thread. Maybe later this evening. I’ll start with this one:

The racist, religious, bitter old man I worked with on a BP offshore job told me about how he was responsible for getting rid of the barn cats when he was growing up. He would take the kittens around to the neighbors. But after a couple of litters, all the neighbors had cats and no one wanted more. So he took the litter and put them in a sack and buried them alive.

Yep.

Didn't live near a river?

[SHOOTER12 8789]

"Gee, the owner's daughter was nowhere near that fat back when I was fucking her"...

[52-80 19101]

17 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Had our EOY meeting to go over finances for the last year, projections and initiatives for the new year, admin stuff.  I was going through the P&L and I said we had a net loss of X.  My office manager pipes up and says, "Well, technically, we didn't have a net loss because we spent X on Y."  So I calmly said, "Actually, this is the P&L for the year and it shows a net loss. That means we spent X more than we brought in last year. So it is technically a loss." She proceeded to argue with me for several minutes about it.

maybe you had a positive Net Income Before Extraordinary Items.

[Guest]

11 hours ago, Patricio Swayze said:

Oh Christ, I could add a ton to this thread. Maybe later this evening. I’ll start with this one:

The racist, religious, bitter old man I worked with on a BP offshore job told me about how he was responsible for getting rid of the barn cats when he was growing up. He would take the kittens around to the neighbors. But after a couple of litters, all the neighbors had cats and no one wanted more. So he took the litter and put them in a sack and buried them alive.

Yep.

I had no idea you were Stephen King...

[Longboard Horn 40163]

12 hours ago, Patricio Swayze said:

Oh Christ, I could add a ton to this thread. Maybe later this evening. I’ll start with this one:

The racist, religious, bitter old man I worked with on a BP offshore job told me about how he was responsible for getting rid of the barn cats when he was growing up. He would take the kittens around to the neighbors. But after a couple of litters, all the neighbors had cats and no one wanted more. So he took the litter and put them in a sack and buried them alive.

Yep.

[Patricio Swayze 17058]

This guy freaked me out. He was a person that believed the Bible was literal. I asked him about Jonas and he told me he believed he had lived inside a whale for days. He was trying to foster a teenage girl from Ecuador. I believe it was through his church. When he saw she had posted a photo on her Facebook in a swimsuit, I believe he decided she should stay there. Loved to call Obama a monkey, and despite us being in a cubicle office space at a large engineering firm, would often use “raghead”. He is likely dead now. Hope so at least.

Is this thread inclusive of things we have seen at the workplace?

If so, once the whole Houston office had to watch some training videos as part of our KPI’s. There was a really awesome (funny) violence in the work place one. This other crazy guy I worked with turned around and said to myself and another project planner “this could happen here.” Well, no shit, that is the point. Yes, someone could come to work with an AK-47 and shoot up the place. The next day, and for a few days after, he came to work with a pistol on his ankle.

On a lighter note, the first project I was on at that company, the lead cost controller was a trip. He told a few of us that Patrick Swayze was one of his “Hair Heroes”. He was obviously was bald. But I felt bad for the guy. He would always be on the phone in his office arguing or pleading with his wife or oldest daughter. Everyone could hear him and it was just kind of pathetic. One day he was on the phone with his daughter and apparently she bought a used car for her boyfriend (who was in prison at the time) on her credit card. How is that even possible?

[wd40 1976]

17 hours ago, EE2B said:

I work in a paper mill so I’ve heard plenty of dumb shit. The tough part is when the dumb shit comes in the form of a telephone call at 2am. I had an operator call me one night to tell me he couldn’t get his kiln burner to lite. It was already lit and had been for quite a while. Apparently our controls are so good the shit operates itself.

[DFWTexEx 275]

My assistant updating me on plans I asked her to make for a company picnic / barbecue thing:  "Oh, and I got turkey hot dogs for the vegetarians".

[Scheiss Meister 8399]

We were having a department barbecue to celebrate something or other, and a new hire is introduced.  She then proceeds to bitch that there are no vegetarian options there for her.  She hadn't been on the job a week yet, and no one knew that she was vegetarian, but she expected every such gathering had always had vegetarian options.  Guess which state she moved to Texas from?

[mininghorn88 2270]

The company that I originally worked for was purchased by another company in 2011 and then that company was subsequently purchased in 2017.  So I have had to work with a lot of newbies to the company and to the industry in general.  I am always hearing something that, while may not sound so stupid to the general public, is quite comical in context.

Was recently in a production meeting with a large group unbeknownst to me there was a delivery problem.

Group;  We are going to be late because of A, B, C.  There is no way around it and we will pay LD penalties.

Me:  All that you have to do is X, Y, Z.

Group:  That is too simple.  There has to be more to it than that.

Me:  Nope. That is it.

Group:  If so, then show us.

I go through the process of what to do in detail and save $400K while doing it.

Group:  How did you know this?

Me:  32 effing years.  Maybe you should ask next time.

Group: (tone)

[Harrison Bergeron 1798]

I learned early on about sending nudes (not that anyone wants to see that) ... VP of IT is dating an account manager and banging the VP of Client Services (girlfriend's boss) on the side. Girlfriend finds out and blasts dude's nudes to the entire company email DL.

Edited January 12, 2022 by Harrison Bergeron

[Armybrat 40751]

21 hours ago, Sandman said:

Our building had a leak and they're using heaters all over to try and dry out the carpets and inside the drywall. So it's been almost 90 degrees in here for a few days. My 60+ year old coworker (who can't shut up in a normal situation) tells anyone who walks by how wet her underwear happens to be right now. 

Pics of your young coworker?

[Bill Brasky 1439]

One the guys at work drives for Uber as a side hustle.   Said he was on the northside of Austin the other night and saw a massive HEB that was bigger than any grocery store he had seen in his life but the parking lot was empty so it wasn't open yet.   We had him show us the location on google maps and figured out he drove past the HEB center in Cedar Park.   Fucking moron.  

[Ten Bears 2479]

Fucking HEB is never open.

[Upgrayedd 5806]

5 hours ago, Scheiss Meister said:

Guess which state she moved to Texas from?

Arkansas?

[Brisketexan 104695]

Many moons ago, tried a case in a rural Texas county where 1) we happened to have a relatively young and attractive female judge, and 2) my local counsel was an old Vietnam Vet marine who gave no fucks.

We're walking out of the courthouse together one afternoon after a day of trial, and we'd had a conversation with the judge afterwards when she was in her civilian clothes (not covered up by a robe).  As we walk out, he says in NOT a whisper "hey Brisket.....I think I'd like to fuck our judge."  I freak the hell out, looking around and praying that the judge hadn't decided to walk out at the same time.  She hadn't.  Dude had ZERO filter.

[Kennythetiger 9338]

17 hours ago, After irth said:

They’d be better off if they just wrote it off. 

Amirite?

Wrote it off of what?  

[TrashMaster G 17395]

33 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

Many moons ago, tried a case in a rural Texas county where 1) we happened to have a relatively young and attractive female judge, and 2) my local counsel was an old Vietnam Vet marine who gave no fucks.

We're walking out of the courthouse together one afternoon after a day of trial, and we'd had a conversation with the judge afterwards when she was in her civilian clothes (not covered up by a robe).  As we walk out, he says in NOT a whisper "hey Brisket.....I think I'd like to fuck our judge."  I freak the hell out, looking around and praying that the judge hadn't decided to walk out at the same time.  She hadn't.  Dude had ZERO filter.

You left out the part where you said, "Yeah, me too."

[CooterBrown 17934]

Go check the ants thread.

[TexArcher 37534]

Some of the worst shits I've ever heard were in the workplace.

[Longboard Horn 40163]

6 hours ago, TexArcher said:

Some of the worst shits I've ever heard were in the workplace.

Did you leave a floater for everyone as a present?

[Longboard Horn 40163]

One video production company I interned for a few years back had one real shithead coworker who believed(or liked to pretend) that he was a manager. This guy could never get his own projects finished so he would push them off onto other people. I got stuck with one and had to work all day on a Saturday. After I got it done, he gave me another, but I told him that the files he needed were nowhere in the office(he ended up taking them home and had forgotten about it). He proceeds to text me a bunch of F bombs. I show my supervisor and his boss and they have a talk with him. 

Another project I had I asked him what he would like and how he would like it edited and if there was anything he wanted added or absolutely had to have. He tells me, "just watch the footage" which doesn't explain anything. Shithead. The final straw with this guy was my last week. I finished a project and put it in the file share folder that OUR BOSSES wanted. He, unaware of this(even though he had been CC in the email and was told weeks prior) storms into the break room yelling and cusses me out in front of everyone. IDGAF who you are, nobody speaks to me like that. To get back at him on my last day, I took the hard drive he was using and wiped the files. As in, deleted everything he had in there. I know that you're never supposed to do that to someone, but with the way he treated me over the months I had finally had enough of his shit. Hell, he wasn't my boss. Plus it was the last day of my contract so I couldn't get fired. LMAO Have a nice life fuckhead! 

P.S. he never figured out it was me. He believed that the hard drive glitched or was attacked by a virus. 

Edited January 13, 2022 by Longboard Horn

[Guest]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Be the kind of employee other people won't fuck with because they never know what you're going to say.  Have your team's back and don't tolerate any power trips.

All it takes is one profane slip, and people walk out of the room, "Slorch is always so nice.  What just happened?"

Fuck people on power trips/ abusive behavior.

[Longboard Horn 40163]

14 minutes ago, slorch said:

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Be the kind of employee other people won't fuck with because they never know what you're going to say.  Have your team's back and don't tolerate any power trips.

All it takes is one profane slip, and people walk out of the room, "Slorch is always so nice.  What just happened?"

Fuck people on power trips/ abusive behavior.

And fuck people who constantly call you about work on Thanksgiving and Christmas

[TrashMaster G 17395]

5 hours ago, Longboard Horn said:

One video production company I interned for a few years back had one real shithead coworker who believed(or liked to pretend) that he was a manager. This guy could never get his own projects finished so he would push them off onto other people. I got stuck with one and had to work all day on a Saturday. After I got it done, he gave me another, but I told him that the files he needed were nowhere in the office(he ended up taking them home and had forgotten about it). He proceeds to text me a bunch of F bombs. I show my supervisor and his boss and they have a talk with him. 

Another project I had I asked him what he would like and how he would like it edited and if there was anything he wanted added or absolutely had to have. He tells me, "just watch the footage" which doesn't explain anything. Shithead. The final straw with this guy was my last week. I finished a project and put it in the file share folder that OUR BOSSES wanted. He, unaware of this(even though he had been CC in the email and was told weeks prior) storms into the break room yelling and cusses me out in front of everyone. IDGAF who you are, nobody speaks to me like that. To get back at him on my last day, I took the hard drive he was using and wiped the files. As in, deleted everything he had in there. I know that you're never supposed to do that to someone, but with the way he treated me over the months I had finally had enough of his shit. Hell, he wasn't my boss. Plus it was the last day of my contract so I couldn't get fired. LMAO Have a nice life fuckhead! 

P.S. he never figured out it was me. He believed that the hard drive glitched or was attacked by a virus. 

I wonder what would happen if somebody yelled at me and cussed me out in front of co-workers.  I'm not violent or a tough guy by any stretch, but I know I wouldn't NOT respond in the moment.  I don't care if it was the fucking CEO.  You don't do that shit.  My response wouldn't be confrontational, but it would be immediate and it would be public, probably starting with some version of "Who do you think you are speaking to me that way?"

People who do shit like that need to be called out on it.

[MissingInAction 24846]

12 hours ago, TexArcher said:

Some of the worst shits I've ever heard were in the workplace.

After morning coffee it was time.for the daily constitutional. So I saunter into the men's room, and take the last of the 5 stalls available.

I notice an unusual amount of grunting. Someone is having trouble.

From one of the stalls: "I gotcha buddy."

I'm like wtf does he got?

Then I hear "We are the Champions" start to play loud enough to cover the victims groans of distress. 

Everyone busted out laughing along with a chorus of farts and splashes.

Greatest moment of my life.

 

Edited January 13, 2022 by MissingInAction

[956 Worldwide 34477]

At one very large workplace (think hundreds), there was a very quiet, unassuming young woman who took a fancy to a colleague.  It was never reciprocal and no one even knew about it and the guy was cordial and friendly in an office way whenever they saw each other. She ended up apparently imagining a relationship that never existed. 
 

Anyway, he got married to someone who worked in a different department and the honeymoon was after the wedding by a couple weeks or so.  Before he left, the coworker sent a very long email to every single person entitled “My Heart is Breaking But Through Tears I See Happiness” or something very similar. It was all about how she hoped the two newlyweds found happiness and how she also hoped the wife would come to be understanding of what they shared, and how she’d wait patiently in case things ever ended, and how her love for the dude was different and special. And how he was the perfect man. 
 

I don’t think they all became friends. 

Edited January 13, 2022 by 956 Worldwide

[jeevsie 3724]

Hope the dude didn’t own a rabbit

[ABSR 5289]

2 hours ago, jeevsie said:

Hope the dude didn’t own a rabbit

Well, not anymore.

[Davis Lane 5556]

I haven't worked in the workplace going on two years now.

The beagle roos a lot but I still can't understand him.

That's all I got.

[gernblansten 3189]

On 1/12/2022 at 3:10 PM, Kennythetiger said:

Wrote it off of what?  

Kenny, all these big companies write off everything.