Anyone have a kiddo diagnosed with depression?

[tbone_ 14,200]

Mine was last week. 15 yo daughter. It’s a little unsettling.

 

Anyone in a similar situation have any effective strategies to share? I’m all ears.

[cactusflinthead 27,608]

Yes. Several examples here.

Tried a few different counselors until she found one she clicked with. It's an ongoing process. 

[mdmost 43,059]

4 hours ago, tbone_ said:

 

Mine was last week. 15 yo daughter. It’s a little unsettling.

 

Anyone in a similar situation have any effective strategies to share? I’m all ears.

 

Yes. 14 year old daughter. Diagnosed when she was 13. Get a good therapist, your doctor should have some options. Some take insurance, some don't. Depending on if your child is expressive or reserved, you may want to look at therapist who handle Cognitive Based Therapy (introspective) or Dialectical Based Therapy (expressive). You should also look at some family therapy because you will find most therapists have to shut you out by law due to confidentiality. A family therapist can work with everyone and help you with how to talk to your teen in a way that won't shut them out. Luckily, we're pulling out of this pandemic and getting out to see people is a lot easier. 

The best strategy I can suggest is stay on top of things. Don't think it will magically go away or that it's just a phase. Try to limit their access to social media because nothing is worse for a depressed teen than watching nothing but people being fake happy all day. Try to get them involved outside of the house and do more to limit the alone time they might have. And definitely take everything they say seriously. The faster you get them help, the better off you all may be. 

And this cannot be stated enough, make sure to take care of yourself, your spouse, and any other kids you may have. This will beat you down both physically and mentally. I feel like I've aged 5 years in the past 1.5. I didn't truly feel old until all of this happened. 

[tbone_ 14,200]

Appreciate the thoughts. The beat you down part is correct for sure.

[TurkeyChew 383]

God bless you all; this is my worst nightmare as a parent because you can’t control any of this and just have to do your best and hope therapies work. Good luck all.

[Surlymermaid 444]

I am a school counselor working on my LPC to go into private practice.  I know this can beat you down, but I want to applaud you for taking it seriously.  Genuine concern and positive action from parents is vital, but sadly is not the norm.  Just by “showing up” you’re letting your daughter know you value her and she is not alone.  Depression is a liar which whispers insidiously that one  is alone/no one cares, but your support calls out the lie.  It will be a rough road, but y’all can forge it together.  If you have any questions I’d be happy to help.

[TwiceHorn 31,599]

5 hours ago, mdmost said:

Yes. 14 year old daughter. Diagnosed when she was 13. Get a good therapist, your doctor should have some options. Some take insurance, some don't. Depending on if your child is expressive or reserved, you may want to look at therapist who handle Cognitive Based Therapy (introspective) or Dialectical Based Therapy (expressive). You should also look at some family therapy because you will find most therapists have to shut you out by law due to confidentiality. A family therapist can work with everyone and help you with how to talk to your teen in a way that won't shut them out. Luckily, we're pulling out of this pandemic and getting out to see people is a lot easier. 

The best strategy I can suggest is stay on top of things. Don't think it will magically go away or that it's just a phase. Try to limit their access to social media because nothing is worse for a depressed teen than watching nothing but people being fake happy all day. Try to get them involved outside of the house and do more to limit the alone time they might have. And definitely take everything they say seriously. The faster you get them help, the better off you all may be. 

And this cannot be stated enough, make sure to take care of yourself, your spouse, and any other kids you may have. This will beat you down both physically and mentally. I feel like I've aged 5 years in the past 1.5. I didn't truly feel old until all of this happened. 

Yep, from a practical standpoint, avoiding isolation and social media (really closely related) are important, as well as any sort of activity that gets the depressed "out of their own head."  But you kind of need to toe a line here because in some sense, it's a little bit like "what do you have to be sad about, get off your ass."  But the get off your ass part is important, in so many ways.

One strategy that may work is to just impose some rules like "out of bed by 7 or 8 (or whatever), make bed, come to breakfast."  Some sort of routine that avoids the wallowing alone in bed can be important, along with structure and activities.  But you don't want to make it too "artificial."

Medication can be helpful, although I know a lot are reluctant to have their kids on "drugs."  And it may take something more than the handy-dandy prozac.  Finding a good medication can be a trial-and-error process.

[Not a cat 5,724]

Had the exact thing with my daughter at the same age.

As twice horn said, keeping her busy was key.  As long as she had shit going on she was fine, but over spring or summer break she was a mess.  That might be my daughter's personality but it worked for her.

We found her a therapist she liked and it really helped.  We also tried the cognitive group therapy but she found it was a group where she didn't fit in- ie most of the kids were talking about heroin habits or felony probation and she was like WTF.

She also got on an anti depressant, can't remember which one but be careful there because some have been known to increase suicide rates in teens.  So have a really pointed discussion about that with the prescribing physician.

If it helps you feel better, she's now a 19 year old freshman on the other side of the country at college and kicking all kinds of ass (not meant as a humble rag but to give you a light at the end of the tunnel.)

Good luck.

[tbone_ 14,200]

Thanks for all the responses

[harpercollins 394]

I’m sure the first thing the doctor will do is take her off social media. I’d go a step further and take away a smartphone completely. She will feel like you’re punishing her, but just let her know it’s not true. This is what a good parent would do, and you really want to be a good parent. The research on adolescent girls and social media is overwhelming.

I’d also recommend taking a family trip with no phones and reengaging. There’s an excellent book called, Hold on to your Kids by Gabor and mate that explains why kids’ primary attachment must be their parents who love them unconditionally.

The last thing may seem counterintuitive right now but I would require more of her. Children and adolescents need work, hard work, to feel capable, valuable and like they belong. If it’s work outdoors even better. Keith McCurdy is a LPC that talks about raising sturdy kids and he’s been guests on several podcasts you can google, talking about anxiety and depression in teens being directly related to a lack of adversity. He also addresses negative confirmation bias and how we need to equip our teens to use their emotions as a gauge and not as a guide for how to live their lives. Emotions are real, but not reliable for decision-making.

I prayed for your family just now!

[TwiceHorn 31,599]

11 minutes ago, harpercollins said:

He also addresses negative confirmation bias and how we need to equip our teens to use their emotions as a gauge and not as a guide for how to live their lives. Emotions are real, but not reliable for decision-making.

Solid advice.  I haven't encountered child raising, but I have dealt with my own relatively mild depression and related issues and counseled others in a non-professional context.  The above is such a huge issue.  Feelings are not facts.  You are entitled to them, but you must learn to just feel them without reaction.

I've said it several times on other threads, but I have come to believe that most mental health issues boil down to "processing errors."  One misperceives the events of the world around them and in many cases react accordingly, and inappropriately.  Which is not to say that it's all thinking errors, because it's chemically assisted (either brain or ingested chemicals or both) as often as not.  But recovery seems to require adjusted thinking and processing of events and emotions.

Edited March 15, 2022 by TwiceHorn

[harpercollins 394]

I've said it several times on other threads, but I have come to believe that most mental health issues boil down to "processing errors."  One misperceives the events of the world around them and in many cases react accordingly, and inappropriately.  Which is not to say that it's all thinking errors, because it's chemically assisted (either brain or ingested chemicals or both) as often as not.  But recovery seems to require adjusted thinking and processing of events and emotions.

Exactly. We feed into this distorted thinking by over-sympathizing with “the worst day ever.” One of the best things we can do as parents is to help our kids put their suffering into perspective. We acknowledge the feelings, then guide them to correct for skewed thinking.

“Mrs. Howard hates me!”
“Man! You sound really upset. What happened?”
“She hates me!”
“Tell me more about what happened.”
This is where your child may get reluctant to share details because s/he knows deep down the evidence does not support the claim.
Etc.

[mchookem 16,415]

On 3/15/2022 at 12:52 PM, harpercollins said:

He also addresses negative confirmation bias and how we need to equip our teens to use their emotions as a gauge and not as a guide for how to live their lives. Emotions are real, but not reliable for decision-making.

 

On 3/15/2022 at 1:02 PM, TwiceHorn said:

Solid advice.  I haven't encountered child raising, but I have dealt with my own relatively mild depression and related issues and counseled others in a non-professional context.  The above is such a huge issue.  Feelings are not facts.  You are entitled to them, but you must learn to just feel them without reaction.

yes yes yes!

the way i put it - you can't control your emotions, you are going to feel whatever you feel...but you can control your reactions to them. 

it seems so obvious as an adult but learning how to recognize and manage that really does require just that - learning. 

my niece (saga elsewhere lol) got a flat tire recently that really messed up some plans she had...she worked thru it easily but was pretty pissed off and disappointed...i told her that was fine, being pissed off was a normal, reasonable reaction. 

then i said 'now...is it something you should want to actually hurt yourself over?' 😄 which...she can laugh now thank god, but it wasn't too long ago that that would have been the case (like literally, she would physically harm herself, cutting, scratching, punching, throwing herself against things).

i hope your daughter finds the help she needs. i'll offer this one piece of advice re: therapy...when you find a good one, it is worth every penny. if you have the means, don't let insurance alone dictate who you/she chooses.

oh, one more thing...it may not be applicable for her, but if any sort of emotional or physical trauma may be a contributing factor...i personally can attest to the efficacy of EMDR therapy. my bff has also gone thru it and in her words it 'changed her life'. good luck 🤘

[harpercollins 394]

the way i put it - you can't control your emotions, you are going to feel whatever you feel...but you can control your reactions to them. 

I tell my high school students what my grandmom told me, “We must master our emotions or be mastered by them, and emotions are a selfish, fickle master.”

[harpercollins 394]

i personally can attest to the efficacy of EMDR therapy. my bff has also gone thru it and in her words it 'changed her life'.

The research on EMDR is super exciting and promising. I’m only familiar with it in the context of trauma but I find the neuroscience behind it fascinating!

[dcbc 14,544]

Yes. My oldest (16) was diagnosed with severe depression last year, and he had experienced symptoms for several years before. But it ramped up last spring. His pediatrician put him on an antidepressant and we got him into therapy as quickly as possible. Since then, it's been a matter of figuring out which antidepressant worked, and the third time appears to have been the charm. He seems to be doing better, has found things he enjoys with friends, has a job, and has a date with a good looking girl (no pics) later this week.

One thing I've learned from talking to friends with kids his age is that we are not alone. I had one friend tell me that all three of his kids are dealing with depression of varying degrees. One thing I know is that I have no idea what it's like to be a teenager in the 2020s.

Best to you and yours. Keep the communication regular and don't be afraid to try something new if what you've been trying doesn't seem to be working.

[TwiceHorn 31,599]

52 minutes ago, dcbc said:

One thing I've learned from talking to friends with kids his age is that we are not alone

Although it can seem a blinding glimpse of the obvious to both the sufferer and family, this is very true.  And once you really acknowledge it, there is a comfort in it.

And this may be where some group therapy comes in.  Although it may seem awkward, sharing experiences and coping strategies in a group setting can be huge.  In AA, we call one aspect of our disease "terminal uniqueness," which has a lot of facets, but boils down to "no one understands me or what I'm going through."  

And I think most parents have heard that in one context or another and it probably applies double or triple if your child is depressed.

ETA:  I'm an alkie who has spent a lot of time in AA, as well as some individual therapy.  While it may seem presumptuous and insulting to analogize my experiences to those with other mental health disorders, there is more similarity than dissimilarity among most mental illnesses, and among treatment strategies.  AA includes a lot of very practical Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that seems to be the preferred treatment model for depression and anxiety.

Also, a book that I found pretty helpful is Feeling Good, by David Burns.  https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B009UW5X4C/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_hsch_vapi_tkin_p1_i0

It appears that he has a whole series of things on related topics.

Edited March 17, 2022 by TwiceHorn

[MonkeyDoughnut 10,365]

Don't discount the effects some drugs can have, even temporarily. Sometimes its just to get through a period, but definitely therapy. Keep your kid involved, don't let them stop being involved or help them find something new to keep them involved. Connections from peers can be a huge help when you aren't there.

[TwiceHorn 31,599]

8 minutes ago, MonkeyDoughnut said:

Don't discount the effects some drugs can have, even temporarily. Sometimes its just to get through a period, but definitely therapy. Keep your kid involved, don't let them stop being involved or help them find something new to keep them involved. Connections from peers can be a huge help when you aren't there.

Also hormonal changes.  As we all know, PMS is real, and the preferred terminology these days is PMDD, with the DD standing for "dysphoric disorder," which is a form of milder depression.

It is possible that once some of the hormonal chaos of adolescence settles down some, this passes or becomes less severe.  I haven't read any literature or studies on it, but it wouldn't surprise me a bit if depression accompanies adolescence pretty regularly for both physiological and environmental reasons, and the kiddo will "age out" of it.

But don't let that notion think you can or should avoid treatment.  I think all of us experience some depression and "stinkin thinkin" to one degree or another, and even if the "clinical depression" mostly passes, the coping strategies can be valuable for the rest of your life.

[Apep 645]

My 18 year-old son was recently diagnosed with depression. He moved to his college dorm in the fall and, after three weeks, basically stopped communicating with anyone and stopped going to classes. Now that he is home and seeing a psychologist he is getting better. Part of it feels like something both my wife and my mom have observed in their classrooms: Many young people got stuck during COVID. While my son seemed to be doing well, he was burnt out and a year-and-a-half of virtual classes left him the same age mentally/emotionally as he went into the pandemic. He was frozen in time. My wife says many of her sixth graders are stuck as third graders, their last full, normal year. My mom sees the same thing with her high school classes.

[HiggyBaby 2,548]

Yes. 14 year old daughter. Diagnosed when she was 13. Get a good therapist, your doctor should have some options. Some take insurance, some don't. Depending on if your child is expressive or reserved, you may want to look at therapist who handle Cognitive Based Therapy (introspective) or Dialectical Based Therapy (expressive). You should also look at some family therapy because you will find most therapists have to shut you out by law due to confidentiality. A family therapist can work with everyone and help you with how to talk to your teen in a way that won't shut them out. Luckily, we're pulling out of this pandemic and getting out to see people is a lot easier. 
The best strategy I can suggest is stay on top of things. Don't think it will magically go away or that it's just a phase. Try to limit their access to social media because nothing is worse for a depressed teen than watching nothing but people being fake happy all day. Try to get them involved outside of the house and do more to limit the alone time they might have. And definitely take everything they say seriously. The faster you get them help, the better off you all may be. 
And this cannot be stated enough, make sure to take care of yourself, your spouse, and any other kids you may have. This will beat you down both physically and mentally. I feel like I've aged 5 years in the past 1.5. I didn't truly feel old until all of this happened. 

All very good advice. Dealing with this in the higgy household with our 15 y.o. Blew up during Covid and lockdowns .We connected with a psychiatrist first who led us to a great therapist. We are balancing that with some medications and it seems to be working. That said Stay engaged and take it seriously. It’s a beat down for sure but there are so many great tools out there. You’re in good company.

Edit: I’ll also add that on top of limiting social media make sure he/she is engaging with healthy people. We backtracked a little this year because his “best” friend was also going off the rails and they were bringing each other down.

[Hermanator 7,188]

Yep. 17 yr old has depression. Sees doctor and psychiatrist. We try our best to help but she has to do some of the heavy lifting herself and that's a struggle to get her to realize. She's having a hard time with the transition from kid to near adulthood. 

As for me, I'm basically 40 and if there's a such thing as middle age burnout I've got it. Happiest moments are late at night when everyone's asleep and I can sit outside on a nice weekend night and puff my pipe tobacco and listen to music. Only allow myself to do it once a week at most but damn if that isn't the time I feel the most alive. 

Now I know why my grandpa would sit out on the porch with his pipe so much back in the 80s.