Kids - to have them or not

[tbone_ 14407]

Also give some thought to selfless service for others.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Armybrat said:

True, but everyone should give some thought about the prospect of dying alone someday.

Definitely something underrated to think about that's not always top of mind in your late 20s or early 30s. Hell, I have one and wonder if I should have had another for some insurance.

[Armybrat 41317]

My youngest son (age 50) has no children and his “wife” is 17 years older than he is.

I sincerely hope his niece & nephews can help him out some day if needed.

[Sandman 3427]

Both of my kids (twins, 20, no pics) have now moved out. While I do miss them, it's so fucking nice to not have to factor them into certain things. "Should we have this for dinner? Nah, kid 1 won't like it. Plus we don't know when she'll get home from work." 

 

[oSuJeff97 3438]

On 8/14/2022 at 11:56 AM, Armybrat said:

My youngest son (age 50) has no children and his “wife” is 17 years older than he is.

I sincerely hope his niece & nephews can help him out some day if needed.

Yeah. It’s something I thought about a lot before I finally had kids. Luckily I do have lots of nieces and nephews, but still… glad I have my two kids now.

On a related note, it’s interesting that my first wife (who finally told me she didn’t want kids after I had burned through my 30s) used to always talk about how she didn’t want to be alone and a “burden” in her later years is heading directly down that path.

She hasn’t been able to establish any kind of relationship since we were divorced 5+ years ago and is now in her mid-40s staring spinsterism directly in the face. Some people just can’t get out of their own way enough to avoid what they are actively trying to avoid. 

 

[Al_4_ISU 12612]

I feel like being farmer and having a shit head dog that wakes me up twice a night to go piss has done a ton to prepare me for the sleeping schedule of infants.  I'm used to going several months at a time averaging 4-6 hours of sleep a night, and even when I'm getting to bed early the rest of the year, I know I'm going to get pawed in the face between 2-4AM and I best deal with it or I'll have mess to clean up when I wake.

[52-80 19379]

1 hour ago, oSuJeff97 said:

Yeah. It’s something I thought about a lot before I finally had kids. Luckily I do have lots of nieces and nephews, but still… glad I have my two kids now.

On a related note, it’s interesting that my first wife (who finally told me she didn’t want kids after I had burned through my 30s) used to always talk about how she didn’t want to be alone and a “burden” in her later years is heading directly down that path.

She hasn’t been able to establish any kind of relationship since we were divorced 5+ years ago and is now in her mid-40s staring spinsterism directly in the face. Some people just can’t get out of their own way enough to avoid what they are actively trying to avoid. 

 

[Ollie Slatt 295]

I would suggest that anyone weighing whether to have kids ask themselves a few questions first: 

(1) How solid is the marriage?  This is important for a few reasons.  First, kids make marriage about 5x harder.  Suddenly your spouse cannot devote the time and attention to you they did before (and vis versa), and both parents will sometimes be prone to feeling like they are spending all of their time doing things for other people (i.e., the kids), which can lead to resentment issues.  Second, once you have kids, you are a more locked-in to the marriage.  While they would probably never admit this out loud, I have friends who I suspect remain married more for the sake of their kids than anything else.  You don't want to be that person.  

(2)  Do both people really want kids?  Seems obvious, but sometimes one spouse essentially agrees to have kids (or additional kids) to make the other one happy.   Someone can grow into a good parent even if they did not want kids, but this could also lead to resentment or one person simply deciding to be a less active parent.  

(3) How much do you (or your spouse) drink?  This one may come off as too judgmental, but I think there is a conflict between heavy/regular drinking and parenting young kids.  Parenting takes a lot of time, attention, and patience (including early in the morning), and it seems extra difficult for the types of parents that needs multiple glasses of wine every night.   

[HouTex 1912]

22 hours ago, Ollie Slatt said:

I would suggest that anyone weighing whether to have kids ask themselves a few questions first: 

(1) How solid is the marriage?  This is important for a few reasons.  First, kids make marriage about 5x harder.  Suddenly your spouse cannot devote the time and attention to you they did before (and vis versa), and both parents will sometimes be prone to feeling like they are spending all of their time doing things for other people (i.e., the kids), which can lead to resentment issues.  Second, once you have kids, you are a more locked-in to the marriage.  While they would probably never admit this out loud, I have friends who I suspect remain married more for the sake of their kids than anything else.  You don't want to be that person.  

(2)  Do both people really want kids?  Seems obvious, but sometimes one spouse essentially agrees to have kids (or additional kids) to make the other one happy.   Someone can grow into a good parent even if they did not want kids, but this could also lead to resentment or one person simply deciding to be a less active parent.  

(3) How much do you (or your spouse) drink?  This one may come off as too judgmental, but I think there is a conflict between heavy/regular drinking and parenting young kids.  Parenting takes a lot of time, attention, and patience (including early in the morning), and it seems extra difficult for the types of parents that needs multiple glasses of wine every night.   

Good advice here.   My first lawyer boss loved to say that raising kids is the most important job you can have and it doesn’t require a license, there’s no training for it and any moron can do it.  A lot of people should not have kids.  

[You don't know me 1163]

I can't believe that I haven't ventured into this thread yet.  I'm a dad to 6 boys.  One from my first marriage (the "boy" is 29) and 5 with my now wife (youngest is 9). 

My oldest gave me so much concern for his future.  He didn't talk until he was damn near 4 years old, was in fights on a weekly basis up until he was probably in 4th grade, and school just never came easy to him.  His mom and I got divorced with he was about 4 years old and I got primary custody.  It took a lot of patience, but he has sure come into his own.  He's now an 11 year veteran of the Air Force and has decided to stay in for at least 20.  He's completed his masters degree and has not used any of his GI Bill for any of his school.  The Air Force paid for virtually all of his school via tuition assistance.  He just got married in December, he's well adjusted, and he's productive member of society that cares about others.  He volunteers his time and he's been his unit SHARP (Sexual Harassment/Assault Response and Prevention) victim advocate.  All of the "problems" that he had growing up tried me, but the man that he has become just fills me with pride.

My next oldest, who is the first with my now wife, had his own issues growing up.  I worried about him quite a bit.  The boy was a 6'5" 270lb offensive lineman that that was a 3 year starter on the varsity high school football team and a very good high school wrestler at the 280 lb weight class.  The time that he cried while telling me that he didn't have any "real" friends nearly broke me.  This is a kid that is good looking, smart, and by all outward appearances had everything going for him.  Being a teenager is hard and being a parent of a teenager is hard.  Now, he's well adjusted and living life on his own without asking me or mom for much of anything except advice.

Next one, oh man, this one nearly broke me completely.  First, when he was 3 months old, I was working in downtown Austin and lived in Cedar Park.  I got a call from my wife one day and she was frantically yelling into the phone "He's not breathing!  His limbs are turning purple!".  I told her to call 911 and that I was on my way home.  This was before I even had a cell phone.  Turned out to be okay (after a few days in children's hospital and a ton of tests), but if she hadn't checked him right when she did (he was down for a nap), he may not be with us today.  Then less than a year later I went to Iraq for the first time.  The wife and I dropped the boys off at the mother's day out program at our church before heading to the airport.  I cried like a baby telling them goodbye.  They were both too young to understand what was going on, but holy hell that was hard.  Today, this one is currently in basic training, as he has joined the Iowa Army National Guard.  After completing of his BCT and AIT, he's heading up to Iowa to wrestle for a small school up there on a half ride with the Guard helping to pay for the rest. 

The youngest 3 are still giving me grief every time they can.  Of all of the sleepless nights, time spent apart, trouble in school, problems with girls, etc, I wouldn't trade my last 29 years for anything.  I haven't done much for just me in quite some time.  It's few and far between when the wife and I do something for ourselves.  Every vacation, night out, you name it, has to be carefully planned.  There's school functions, sports practices/games/tournaments that we are constantly going to and from.  And you know what?  That's okay.  That's what our life is and I'm going to miss it terribly when they are all grown and out of the house. 

So, to have kids or not is a decision that each couple must make on their own.  There are pros and cons.  For me, the pros far outweigh all of the horrible shit that they put us through.  And as much grief as they have put me through, they have given me far greater joy.  I've seen 3 so far go from little human things that can't do anything for themselves to adults that are making their own way.  I can honestly say that all of my boys are going to be better men than me.  That's what we hope for, right?

[tbone_ 14407]

Solid post

[oSuJeff97 3438]

On 8/16/2022 at 5:18 PM, Ollie Slatt said:

I would suggest that anyone weighing whether to have kids ask themselves a few questions first: 

(1) How solid is the marriage?  This is important for a few reasons.  First, kids make marriage about 5x harder.  Suddenly your spouse cannot devote the time and attention to you they did before (and vis versa), and both parents will sometimes be prone to feeling like they are spending all of their time doing things for other people (i.e., the kids), which can lead to resentment issues.  Second, once you have kids, you are a more locked-in to the marriage.  While they would probably never admit this out loud, I have friends who I suspect remain married more for the sake of their kids than anything else.  You don't want to be that person.  

(2)  Do both people really want kids?  Seems obvious, but sometimes one spouse essentially agrees to have kids (or additional kids) to make the other one happy.   Someone can grow into a good parent even if they did not want kids, but this could also lead to resentment or one person simply deciding to be a less active parent.  

(3) How much do you (or your spouse) drink?  This one may come off as too judgmental, but I think there is a conflict between heavy/regular drinking and parenting young kids.  Parenting takes a lot of time, attention, and patience (including early in the morning), and it seems extra difficult for the types of parents that needs multiple glasses of wine every night.   

Super solid advice here.

My first wife and I would have failed all three of these, so having the miscarriage and then getting divorced before we had kids was 100% a blessing, even if it felt like blowing up my life in my late 30s/early 40s was an awful, terrible thing.

[Celery Man 21076]

On 8/14/2022 at 10:39 AM, Armybrat said:

True, but everyone should give some thought about the prospect of dying alone someday.

man one of the most fucked up documentaries I've ever seen

Spoiler

 

when netflix "instant watch" first came out and it was filled with documentaries and not a lot of other stuff, liking increasingly darker ones led me down a path to this, which made me go provide thumbs up to rom com or pixar movie I could find to readjust my suggestion algorithm.

Of course from that the big lesson seems to be don't be a drifter or someone who lives on the edges of society. Although the older gay man may have also been a victim of his time and place and the aids epidemic when it comes to being the last man standing.

Oh kids, right. I just watched this again to reset from all the disney+ I've had to ingest. Fucking encanto.

[Rimbo 26852]

I just bought a new color laser printer.

My daughter got mad because I printed up a black and white outline for her to color in, and she thought the color printer would add the color to it for her. "That's BORING!" she screamed.

She is in 3rd grade.

Do with this evidence what you will.

[tbone_ 14407]

I just bought a new color laser printer.
My daughter got mad because I printed up a black and white outline for her to color in, and she thought the color printer would add the color to it for her. "That's BORING!" she screamed.
She is in 3rd grade.
Do with this evidence what you will.

What’d they whack you for on that printer? I’ve been kicking around getting one.

[Rimbo 26852]

3 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

What’d they whack you for on that printer? I’ve been kicking around getting one.

bout two fiddy

https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B07FMS1DMX?psc=1&ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_product_details

Wireless, color, duplex printing, all in a super-compact package. Quality is between "shitty" and "meh," but I didn't buy it for good color, just enough color to be purdy.

Mostly just wanted the wireless so I didn't have to drag my laptop into the living room just to print shit up

Edited September 7, 2022 by Rimbo