Worst place you've ever taken a shit

[nnm 36300]

The organization that I serve with has operations in Africa. Toilets are fun in the interior of Senegal, Sierra Leone, Togo, Benin, Madagascar, Liberia, Ivory Coast, etc.  

[Pimphand 5716]

Cambodia back in 2008

[Mitch Cumsteen 18537]

I was driving home one weekend in college from Austin to San Antonio. I was super hungover and as I was cruising down 35 I started to feel the rumblings. Shit was about to go down, literally, and time was not on my side. I knew the rest area was up on the right in a couple of miles so I start driving like a maniac weaving in and out of traffic at probably 100+ MPH in an attempt to get there before completely shitting all over myself and ruining the interior of my car.

I barely make it in time, park, and go sprinting into the restroom. I wasn't even sure I turned off my engine. Thankfully, there isn't one soul in there. I have the entire disgusting place to myself. Now, the bathroom there has zero privacy. There are no real stalls, presumably to prevent random gay hookups. So all they have is a few metal toilets attached to the wall separated by small approximately 2' x 3' plank, but there are no doors and if there is anybody else in there, you are in full view. I imagine there is more privacy in a prison shitter.

But desperate times call for desperate measures, so I scramble to the shitter in the furthest corner and completely let loose of my bowels. I'm sweating profusely, bent over in agony, and excruciatingly and noisily shooting liquid straight out of my asshole. At this time precise time, a tour bus unloads about 40 people to make a pit stop. They start queuing up about 4 deep to use the bathrooms as I'm dying on a stainless steel throne completely exposed, now with a live studio audience for the worst shit of my life.

At first I was like... okay, you can do this. Just don't make eye contact with anyone. If you're lucky, you will actually die right here and now. But then, I realized, fuck it. If I'm going to be this vulnerable and uncomfortable, I might as well take a few of these sumbitches with me. So I start making eye contact with anyone who has the guts to look back at me, and staring their asses down. Shockingly, nobody really wanted any part of me, either. After what seemed like about a month (but was probably less than a minute), I finish up, wipe my ass with government supplied zero ply toilet paper, and try to stare down every last bastard on my way out of there. 

Worst shit ever. I think if I had to do it over again, I would have shit myself, drove the rest of the way home sitting in my own liquid feces and just sold the car.

[gernblansten 3196]

4 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

I was driving home one weekend in college from Austin to San Antonio. I was super hungover and as I was cruising down 35 I started to feel the rumblings. Shit was about to go down, literally, and time was not on my side. I knew the rest area was up on the right in a couple of miles so I start driving like a maniac weaving in and out of traffic at probably 100+ MPH in an attempt to get there before completely shitting all over myself and ruining the interior of my car.

I barely make it in time, park, and go sprinting into the restroom. I wasn't even sure I turned off my engine. Thankfully, there isn't one soul in there. I have the entire disgusting place to myself. Now, the bathroom there has zero privacy. There are no real stalls, presumably to prevent random gay hookups. So all they have is a few metal toilets attached to the wall separated by small approximately 2' x 3' plank, but there are no doors and if there is anybody else in there, you are in full view. I imagine there is more privacy in a prison shitter.

But desperate times call for desperate measures, so I scramble to the shitter in the furthest corner and completely let loose of my bowels. I'm sweating profusely, bent over in agony, and excruciatingly and noisily shooting liquid straight out of my asshole. At this time precise time, a tour bus unloads about 40 people to make a pit stop. They start queuing up about 4 deep to use the bathrooms as I'm dying on a stainless steel throne completely exposed, now with a live studio audience for the worst shit of my life.

At first I was like... okay, you can do this. Just don't make eye contact with anyone. If you're lucky, you will actually die right here and now. But then, I realized, fuck it. If I'm going to be this vulnerable and uncomfortable, I might as well take a few of these sumbitches with me. So I start making eye contact with anyone who has the guts to look back at me, and staring their asses down. Shockingly, nobody really wanted any part of me, either. After what seemed like about a month (but was probably less than a minute), I finish up, wipe my ass with government supplied zero ply toilet paper, and try to stare down every last bastard on my way out of there. 

Worst shit ever. I think if I had to do it over again, I would have shit myself, drove the rest of the way home sitting in my own liquid feces and just sold the car.

Along with the eye contact, you should've taken your shirt off. 

[Brisketexan 104907]

27 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

I was driving home one weekend in college from Austin to San Antonio. I was super hungover and as I was cruising down 35 I started to feel the rumblings. Shit was about to go down, literally, and time was not on my side. I knew the rest area was up on the right in a couple of miles so I start driving like a maniac weaving in and out of traffic at probably 100+ MPH in an attempt to get there before completely shitting all over myself and ruining the interior of my car.

I barely make it in time, park, and go sprinting into the restroom. I wasn't even sure I turned off my engine. Thankfully, there isn't one soul in there. I have the entire disgusting place to myself. Now, the bathroom there has zero privacy. There are no real stalls, presumably to prevent random gay hookups. So all they have is a few metal toilets attached to the wall separated by small approximately 2' x 3' plank, but there are no doors and if there is anybody else in there, you are in full view. I imagine there is more privacy in a prison shitter.

But desperate times call for desperate measures, so I scramble to the shitter in the furthest corner and completely let loose of my bowels. I'm sweating profusely, bent over in agony, and excruciatingly and noisily shooting liquid straight out of my asshole. At this time precise time, a tour bus unloads about 40 people to make a pit stop. They start queuing up about 4 deep to use the bathrooms as I'm dying on a stainless steel throne completely exposed, now with a live studio audience for the worst shit of my life.

At first I was like... okay, you can do this. Just don't make eye contact with anyone. If you're lucky, you will actually die right here and now. But then, I realized, fuck it. If I'm going to be this vulnerable and uncomfortable, I might as well take a few of these sumbitches with me. So I start making eye contact with anyone who has the guts to look back at me, and staring their asses down. Shockingly, nobody really wanted any part of me, either. After what seemed like about a month (but was probably less than a minute), I finish up, wipe my ass with government supplied zero ply toilet paper, and try to stare down every last bastard on my way out of there. 

Worst shit ever. I think if I had to do it over again, I would have shit myself, drove the rest of the way home sitting in my own liquid feces and just sold the car.

Disagree with your conclusion.  You did this exercise absolutely right.  Own whatever room you are in, and there's few greater dominance moves than taking an explosive shit while staring someone down.

[faps 806]

Just now, Brisketexan said:

Disagree with your conclusion.  You did this exercise absolutely right.  Own whatever room you are in, and there's few greater dominance moves than taking an explosive shit while staring someone down.

[Brisketexan 104907]

17 hours ago, markstanco said:

I probably replied upthread but rural China is the worst.

Another bad place was maybe 20 years ago I was duck hunting and had to crap. Pulled the waders down and leaned on a tree. Forgot to get the wader straps out of the way.

Now that I think about it, wader straps is a worse place than rural China.

Every duck hunter has made the "oh lord I gotta get outta the blind and shit right now, goddammit, I forgot about the wader strap and now I have to rinse my own shit off of it in this muddy pond" mistake.  You aren't a duck hunter if you HAVEN'T done that.

[markstanco 12562]

1 hour ago, Brisketexan said:

Every duck hunter has made the "oh lord I gotta get outta the blind and shit right now, goddammit, I forgot about the wader strap and now I have to rinse my own shit off of it in this muddy pond" mistake.  You aren't a duck hunter if you HAVEN'T done that.

You can add: If you dont take on water at least once in the season you arent hunting enough"

[nnm 36300]

1 hour ago, Brisketexan said:

Disagree with your conclusion.  You did this exercise absolutely right.  Own whatever room you are in, and there's few greater dominance moves than taking an explosive shit while staring someone down.

LBJ did this regularly. 

[CHIEF 5075]

My worst was the bathroom (if you can call it that) at the HTL Car Rental in Cozumel. Been eating really good spicy Mexican food all week and had to return the Jeep before flying back to Dallas. I asked the guys running it if I could use it, as I couldn't make it to the airport.They all just looked at each other in silence for about 3-5 seconds before walking me to the doorway. No door, no a/c, no TP, no hand soap, just a toilet covered in shit and full of shit covered in lye. I pulled out my phone and called Mrs. CHIEF to go to one of the surrounding restaurants or convenient stores and steal TP, paper towels, anything to wipe with and bring it to me. She went to a coffee shop and swiped an extra roll and brought it to me.

The absolutely best place to shit? 

I have this badboy perched on top of a bluff about 50 yards behind my deer stand. You can take a shit and glass about 1500 acres at the same time. It's very peaceful, all you hear is the wind blowing, the bird's chirping, and the occasional fighter trainee coming by at about 150 feet. I'm always good about waving at them from my throne.

CHIEF

Edited February 5 by CHIEF

[butthurt 1522]

3 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

Disagree with your conclusion.  You did this exercise absolutely right.  Own whatever room you are in, and there's few greater dominance moves than taking an explosive shit while staring someone down.

Reminded me of this bit.

 

[Nuge 1966]

'91ish some friends and I were parked behind Numbers drinking beer in the car before a NIN show.  As we get out I feel the rumble.  The bathroom at Numbers was disgusting and I wasn't really sure I would make it in time so I leaned my back up against a car and shit on the curbside praying that nobody would walk along the sidewalk and discover me.  I'm grateful that Ring doorbells weren't invented for another 30 years otherwise I'm sure I'd be internet infamous.

[closetohumping 17429]

This wasn’t me but I read somewhere that on small puddlejumpers (ironic name) there aren’t private bathrooms as there were very few occupants and the flights are short.  Apparently the toilet was in one of the seats.  So ole boy had to go and removed the flotation device and just took a dump on the middle of the plane in front of four or five unsympathetic people 

 

this was me.  I went on a tour of China about 25 years ago and talk about disgusting.  Hole in the middle of the stall, no toilet paper as you had to buy tissue from some lady outside the stall, random Chinese dudes screaming at you to hurry up. 
 

two week trip and I had diarrhea almost every day.  Towards the end of the tour they took us to the tea plantation and sure enough montezas revenge hit.  I break away from the tour group to find the shitter, the hole.  No regular door, they had the swinging doors that you see John Wayne push through in those old westerns.  Of course, I’m quite a bit taller than most Chinese dudes so my whole head could see over the middle of the doors.  Sure enough, tour comes by and the guide was going on about whatever was supposed to be special about the tea leaves in this particular garden.   I was able to hear and see the entire spiel while shitting

[Crapinon 2252]

In the 60's I had cousins that lived in a house with no indoor bathroom. The outhouse was at least 30 to 40 yards from the house, wedged between two barns. So instead of digging a hole, placing the outhouse on top of the hole, then covering the hole and moving the house when it was full, they just put lime on top of the ever growing pile of crap and shoveled it away when it got close to the seat. It was more disgusting than you could imagine. When we visited it was fun being allowed to pee off the front porch before going to bed. But I could go several days without taking a dump.

[closetohumping 17429]

3 hours ago, Crapinon said:

In the 60's I had cousins that lived in a house with no indoor bathroom. The outhouse was at least 30 to 40 yards from the house, wedged between two barns. So instead of digging a hole, placing the outhouse on top of the hole, then covering the hole and moving the house when it was full, they just put lime on top of the ever growing pile of crap and shoveled it away when it got close to the seat. It was more disgusting than you could imagine. When we visited it was fun being allowed to pee off the front porch before going to bed. But I could go several days without taking a dump.

Username

[Born to Run 6569]

Disagree with your conclusion.  You did this exercise absolutely right.  Own whatever room you are in, and there's few greater dominance moves than taking an explosive shit while staring someone down.

AKA the LBJ

LBJ did this regularly. 

Dammit

[TexasHooch 5121]

In my pants, is the answer- multiple times I'm afraid. 

Beyond that, it's probably mountain climbing.  Once you get above the treeline, you can't dig a hole and you really shouldn't leave it, so you've got to pick it up and pack it out.  Now consider a party of 8 on a 10-day climb, and you've got a massive shit bag at the end.  Wiping my ass with snowballs, however, is surprisingly refreshing.

[ClubWhatever 12119]

Oklahoma.   Close second:  Matamoros

[TexasHooch 5121]

On 3/14/2022 at 1:28 PM, deadshank said:

The plains-style double biff in areas where there are no trees and you go toe-to-toe with your hunting partner while holding onto each other and squatting / shitting at the same time is risky and off putting.

Yep.  We call that "The Orangutan hang".  The secret is to piss first, or else you've entered expert level.

[Sbbruin 21811]

17 minutes ago, TexasHooch said:

Yep.  We call that "The Orangutan hang".  The secret is to piss first, or else you've entered expert level.

I couldn't imagine going toe to toe with someone while taking a shit, let alone holding onto them for support.

[TexasHooch 5121]

It takes a certain type, for sure- usually the young jocks.  The alternative is to kick one leg completely out of your pants and move it all out of the way. Not so fun in subfreezing weather and several feet of snow, but I work fast so it's my preferred method.

[Deej 76733]

On 2/5/2024 at 11:14 AM, Mitch Cumsteen said:

I was driving home one weekend in college from Austin to San Antonio. I was super hungover and as I was cruising down 35 I started to feel the rumblings. Shit was about to go down, literally, and time was not on my side. I knew the rest area was up on the right in a couple of miles so I start driving like a maniac weaving in and out of traffic at probably 100+ MPH in an attempt to get there before completely shitting all over myself and ruining the interior of my car.

I barely make it in time, park, and go sprinting into the restroom. I wasn't even sure I turned off my engine. Thankfully, there isn't one soul in there. I have the entire disgusting place to myself. Now, the bathroom there has zero privacy. There are no real stalls, presumably to prevent random gay hookups. So all they have is a few metal toilets attached to the wall separated by small approximately 2' x 3' plank, but there are no doors and if there is anybody else in there, you are in full view. I imagine there is more privacy in a prison shitter.

But desperate times call for desperate measures, so I scramble to the shitter in the furthest corner and completely let loose of my bowels. I'm sweating profusely, bent over in agony, and excruciatingly and noisily shooting liquid straight out of my asshole. At this time precise time, a tour bus unloads about 40 people to make a pit stop. They start queuing up about 4 deep to use the bathrooms as I'm dying on a stainless steel throne completely exposed, now with a live studio audience for the worst shit of my life.

At first I was like... okay, you can do this. Just don't make eye contact with anyone. If you're lucky, you will actually die right here and now. But then, I realized, fuck it. If I'm going to be this vulnerable and uncomfortable, I might as well take a few of these sumbitches with me. So I start making eye contact with anyone who has the guts to look back at me, and staring their asses down. Shockingly, nobody really wanted any part of me, either. After what seemed like about a month (but was probably less than a minute), I finish up, wipe my ass with government supplied zero ply toilet paper, and try to stare down every last bastard on my way out of there. 

Worst shit ever. I think if I had to do it over again, I would have shit myself, drove the rest of the way home sitting in my own liquid feces and just sold the car.

Should have walked out of there like Ron Burgandy.

 

[closetohumping 17429]

Btw, while not pleasant, the Porto potty at monster jam hadn’t been christened yet.  I was the first. The rest of the fats were by the food trucks fighting for some version of loaded fries.  I recommend the ones with gyro meat.  
 

 

[closetohumping 17429]

Btw, while not pleasant, the Porto potty at monster jam hadn’t been christened yet.  I was the first. The rest of the fats were by the food trucks fighting for some version of loaded fries.  I recommend the ones with gyro meat.  
 

 

[ErrorState 29]

SIAP

Quote

I'm not sure any other introduction will help, so here it is, via this site and the parody Twitter account GS Elevator Gossip:

Just over halfway through the flight, all the coffee in my stomach feels like it's percolating its way down into my lower intestine. I hunker down and try and focus on other things. What feels like an hour, but probably isn't more than twenty minutes, passes. We then enter what turns out to be pretty violent turbulence. With each bounce, I have to fight my body, trying not to shit my pants. "Thirty minutes to landing, maybe forty five" I try and tell myself, each jostle a gamble I can't afford to lose. I signal to [the flight attendant] and she heads toward me.

"Excuse me, where is the bathroom, because I don't see a door?" I ask while still devoting considerable energy to fighting off what starts to feel like someone shook a seltzer bottle and shoved it up my ass. She looks at me, bemused, and says, "Well, we don't really have one per se." She continues, "Technically, we have one, but it's really just for emergencies. Don't worry, we're landing shortly anyway."

"I'm pretty sure this qualifies as an emergency," I manage to mutter through my grimace. I can see the fear in her face as she points nervously to the back seat. The turbulence outside is matched only by the cyclone that is ravaging my bowels. She points to the back of the plane and says, "There. The toilet is there." For a brief instant, relief passes over my face. She continues, "If you pull away the leather cushion from that seat, it's under there. There's a small privacy screen that pulls up around it, but that's it." At this point, I was committed. She had just lit the dynamite and the mine shaft was set to blow.

I turn to look where she is pointing and I get the urge to cry. I do cry, but my face is so tightly clenched it makes no difference. The "toilet" seat is occupied by the CFO, i.e. our fucking client. Our fucking female fucking client!

Up to this point, nobody has observed my struggle or my exchange with the flight attendant. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." That's all I can say as I limp toward her like Quasimodo impersonating a penguin, and begin my explanation. Of course, as soon as my competitors see me talking to the CFO, they all perk up to find out what the hell I'm doing.

Given my jovial nature and fun-loving attitude thus far on the roadshow, almost everybody thinks I'm joking. She, however, knows right away that I am anything but and jumps up, moving quickly to where I had been sitting. I now had to remove the seat top – no easy task when you can barely stand upright, are getting tossed around like a hoodrat at a block party, and are fighting against a gastrointestinal Mt. Vesuvius.

I manage to peel back the leather seat top to find a rather luxurious looking commode, with a nice cherry or walnut frame. It had obviously never been used, ever. Why this moment of clarity came to me, I do not know. Perhaps it was the realization that I was going to take this toilet's virginity with a fury and savagery that was an abomination to its delicate craftsmanship and quality. I imagined some poor Italian carpenter weeping over the violently soiled remains of his once beautiful creation. The lament lasted only a second as I was quickly back to concentrating on the tiny muscle that stood between me and molten hot lava.

I reach down and pull up the privacy screens, with only seconds to spare before I erupt. It's an alka-seltzer bomb, nothing but air and liquid spraying out in all directions – a Jackson Pollock masterpiece. The pressure is now reversed. I feel like I'm going to have a stroke, I push so hard to end the relief, the tormented sublime relief.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." My apologies do nothing to drown out the heinous noises that seem to carry on and reverberate throughout the small cabin indefinitely. If that's not bad enough, I have one more major problem. The privacy screen stops right around shoulder level. I am sitting there, a disembodied head, in the back of the plane, on a bucking bronco for a toilet, all while looking my colleagues, competitors, and clients directly in the eyes. "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!" briefly comes to mind.

I literally could reach out with my left hand and rest it on the shoulder of the person adjacent to me. It was virtually impossible for him, or any of the others, and by others I mean high profile business partners and clients, to avert their eyes. They squirm and try not to look, inclined to do their best to carry on and pretend as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening, that they weren't sharing a stall with some guy crapping his intestines out. Releasing smelly, sweaty, shame at 100 feet per second.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry" is all the ashamed disembodied head can say…over and over again. Not that it mattered.

 

[closetohumping 17429]

2 hours ago, ErrorState said:

SIAP

 

This!  I think this is the story!

[closetohumping 17429]

On 3/24/2022 at 5:57 PM, Armybrat said:

My granddad kept a large pile of those sheared cobs by the exit to the outhouse at the rear of his auto repair garage in rural NW Missouri.

Were they covered at least?

[Armybrat 40797]

7 hours ago, closetohumping said:

Were they covered at least?

Shucks no.

[Texasborn91 935]

This is about 15 years ago… me and the girlfriend take a trip to Los Angeles to visit her family. I had never been on an airplane before. I was warned that travel constipation is a real thing. Didn’t think much of it at the time. So we touch down and we are doing the whole Hollywood tour, walking around, eat at Roscoe’s. Then the sensation begins to tingle. This is not going to be a liquid explosion but it’s a log jam pressure on my asshole. What nobody tells you ( or I didn’t care to ask) is that Hollywood is an absolute shit hole. Homeless, druggies, filth, just disgusting. So obviously…. No public restrooms. After about 30 minutes of asking every open store for a restroom I am turned away. My asshole is on the verge of splitting open. Finally we reach the McDonalds…. I am greeted by a sign that reads “no public restrooms” but this is my last chance before I’m shitting next to the bums in an alley. I talk to the cashier and absolutely beg for a key to the restroom. Finally i am granted the key. I run in, sit down, and begin pushing out a massive log. As I’m prairie dogging someone runs into the restroom and begins banging on the door! Hurry up man I gotta go! Hurry the fuck up I gotta go! I yell back I’m trying dude give me a fucking second! He waits by the door. I finish up wipe my ass and flush. As I look down into the toilet the water is draining but my foot long turd is stretched across the bowl. It is so long and stiff that it is sitting literally sideways above the water level. Unless I had a sharpshooter that turd was not going down that hole. I say fuck it. Walk out the stall and I am immediately passed by the fellow bathroom goer. I make no eye contact and rush out, but as I walk out and the door closes behind me all I can hear is a loud scream from the top of his lungs! “WHAT THE FUCK”!!!! I grab my girlfriend and we disappear into the next gift shop. Good times. 

[High Plains Drifter 11009]

 

On 2/4/2024 at 5:46 PM, Superhero said:

Or an Asian toilet.

 

Went into one like that at an airport in Kenya. Huge log just lying in the shallow end, covered in flies. 

 

 

[CHIEF 5075]

Has anyone ever had to shit at the Rasta Bar on the South end of Cozumel? It looks like a formidable situation. Open Air with five gallon buckets, no TP, and you gotta pay. I imagine you can slip the bartender some greenbacks and he might give you a paper towel.

CHIEF

[closetohumping 17429]

2 hours ago, CHIEF said:

Has anyone ever had to shit at the Rasta Bar on the South end of Cozumel? It looks like a formidable situation. Open Air with five gallon buckets, no TP, and you gotta pay. I imagine you can slip the bartender some greenbacks and he might give you a paper towel.

CHIEF

Buddy went ar Nastys.  Remember that place?  Barflys too

[High Plains Drifter 11009]

18 hours ago, ErrorState said:

"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!" briefly comes to mind.

 

say it out loud. Bring a little levity to the shituation. 

 

edited to add: 

Upon reading the entire story on the website, the author made a fatal error: He didn't shit before getting on a plane. Literally the last thing I do before leaving for the airport is squeeze one out. I will miss the plane before I miss the last minute shit. 

 

Edited February 7 by High Plains Drifter

[Bevo&Pevo 5111]

On 2/7/2024 at 2:15 PM, High Plains Drifter said:

 

say it out loud. Bring a little levity to the shituation. 

 

edited to add: 

Upon reading the entire story on the website, the author made a fatal error: He didn't shit before getting on a plane. Literally the last thing I do before leaving for the airport is squeeze one out. I will miss the plane before I miss the last minute shit. 

 

I always tell my kids "Never pass up a chance to say Hi to a friend or go the bathroom before traveling".   I mean you never know where is gonna be a car wreck, traffic jam or plane delay.