If All The Presidents Got in a Fistfight, Who Would Win?

[MaybeACoordinator 8,349]

No weapons. Putting this here instead of some other board for maximum lulz.

Edited May 28, 2018 by MaybeACoordinator

[TriStone 1,724]

What kinda stupid fucking question is this?  You got three dudes over 70 and two over 90, then you have Obama at 56 years old.  He'd beat those old fucks senseless.

[RPM 26,209]

It would come down to Abe Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt. Abe was a rail splitting mofo, so he had impressive upper body strength, form and reach. On the other hand Teddy gave zero fucks and would attack like a pitbull. Either way, I don't see it going the distance.

[TriStone 1,724]

Hate to break it to ya broseph, but Abe Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt are fucking dead.  Obama would kick their asses

[MaybeACoordinator 8,349]

Pound for pound, I'm betting Jackson. Dude was a psycho. 

[MaybeACoordinator 8,349]

11 minutes ago, TriStone said:

Hate to break it to ya broseph, but Abe Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt are fucking dead.  Obama would kick their asses

Hate to break it to you, dawg, but I am talkin' history here, man. 

[MaybeACoordinator 8,349]

But all weight classes aside, Gerald Ford probably would have kicked all their asses. He was an actual badass football player at Michigan, despite how SNL portrayed him as a doofus. 

[TriStone 1,724]

2 minutes ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

Hate to break it to you, dawg, but I am talkin' history here, man. 

Well then, that changes everything.  Bet the house on Teddy Roosevelt.

[MaybeACoordinator 8,349]

He was a pugnacious fucker but Lincoln would have ripped him a new one.

 

Quote

Herndon reports, "By the time he had reached his seventeenth year he had attained the physical proportions of a full-grown man. He was employed to assist James Taylor in the management of a ferry boat across the Ohio River near the mouth of Anderson's Creek, but was not allowed a man's wages for the work. He received thirty-seven cents a day for what he afterwards told me was the roughest work a young man could be made to do."

"In June the entire party, including Offut, boarded a steamboat going up the river. At St. Louis they disembarked, Offut remaining behind while Lincoln, Hanks, and Johnson started across Illinois on foot. At Edwardsville they separated. Hanks going to Springfield, while Lincoln and his step-brother following the road to Coles Country, to which point old Thomas Lincoln had meanwhile removed. Here Abe did not tarry long, probably not over a month, but long enough to dispose most effectively of one Daniel Needman, a famous wrestler who had challenged the returned boatman to a test of strength. The contest took place at a locality known as "Wabash Point". Abe threw his antagonist twice with comparative ease, and thereby demonstrated such marked strength and agility as to render him forever popular with the boys of the neighborhood."

"He enjoyed the brief distinction his exhibitions of strength gave him more than the admiration of his friends for his literary or forensic efforts. Some of the feats attributed to him almost surpass belief. One witness declares he was equal to three men, having on a certain occasion carried a load of six hundred pounds. At another time he walked away with a pair of logs which three robust men were skeptical of their ability to carry. "He could strike with a maul a heavier blow - could sink an axe deeper into wood than any man I ever saw." is the testimony of another witness."

(Interrupting Herndon's account for a moment to quote from Browne's biography of Lincoln, on page 53, quoting Dennis Hanks: "My, how he could chop! His ax would flash and bite into a sugar-tree or sycamore, and down it would come. If you heard his fellin' trees in a clearin' you would say there was three men at work by the way the trees fell.")

"They (the Clary's Grove boys) conceded leadership to one Jack Armstrong, a hardy, strong, and well-developed specimen of physical manhood, and under him they were in the habit of "cleaning out" New Salem whenever his order went forth to do so. Offut and "Bill" Clary - the latter skeptical of Lincoln's strength and agility - ended a heated discussion in the store one day over the new clerk's ability to meet the tactic of Clary's Grove, by a bet of ten dollars that Jack Armstrong was, in the language of the day, "a better man than Lincoln". The new clerk strongly opposed this sort of an introduction, but after much entreaty of Offut, at last consented to make his bow to the social lions of the town in this unusual way. He was now six feet four inches high, and weighed, as a friend and confident, William Green, tells with impressive precision, "two hundred and fourteen pounds". The contest was to be a friendly one and fairly conducted. All New Salem adjourned to the scene of the wrestle. Money, whisky, knives, and all manner of property were staked on the result. It is unnecessary to go into the details of the encounter. Everyone knows how it ended: how at last the tall and angular rail-splitter, enraged at the suspicion of foul tactics, and profiting by his height and length of his arms, fairly lifted the great bully by the throat and shook him like a rag ...."

"Mr. Lincoln's remarkable strength resulted not so much from muscular power as from the toughness of his sinews. He could not only lift from the ground enormous weight, but could throw a cannonball or a maul farther than anyone in New Salem."

 

[Dr. Teeth 5,824]

Every President but Trump

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Trump

 

[Ragnarok 103]

Let's see, if we are talking about as President, then Honest Abe stands out as a clear winner.  6' 4", known for his wrestling and strength, and 52 when he took office.  Of the possible contenders for 2nd, I'm not buying Teddy Roosevelt, 42 when he took office, but at 5' 8', his reputation as an outdoorsman was overblown. JFK was young and athletic, but a physical wreck. From a size and youth perspective, Clinton should be a contender, but come on, no way.  Same with Obama. Maybe Jackson for the pyscho factor, but I've got to go with George Washington.

If you are talking about the President in his prime, (20's), I still think Honest Abe is the clear winner, but Gerald Ford would be a contender. I'd still go Lincoln-Washington 1-2. 

[FartingMonk 3,606]

Taft. he sit on you until you died.

[GhostOfTomJoad 9,306]

I'd pay money to watch FDR put a whooping on DOTUS. He'd come out of his wheelchair, poke Trump in the eye w/ his cigarette holder, & it would be over.

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4,968]

Teddy was an actual boxer and once gave a speech immediately after being shot in the chest with a .38, so I wouldn't discount him.

[Parliament 14,121]

FDR

[A-Tex Devil 2,445]

 

[Mr Bean 26]

Ulysses S. Grant

[52-80 19,076]

if Kerry had won, one imagines his chin could withstand a decent beating

[DixonHur 11,154]

Good ole boy from Texas getting no love?  LBJ was a big, mean, SOB.

[Surly Bevo 24,692]

10 minutes ago, DixonHur said:

Good ole boy from Texas getting no love?  LBJ was a big, mean, SOB.

He would whip it out and slap mofos in the face with the jumbo dog

[pyrohornIII 4,805]

1 hour ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

Teddy was an actual boxer and once gave a speech immediately after being shot in the chest with a .38, so I wouldn't discount him.

Yeah, Teddy was a boxer in college and wrestled or boxed nearly daily while in office.    Plus by immediately, he was shot while giving the speech and then continued on to finish it over a half hour later.  Then he let them take him to the hospital. 

[Native Horn 3,485]

15 minutes ago, DixonHur said:

Good ole boy from Texas getting no love?  LBJ was a big, mean, SOB.

Concur.  

Also, first Pres with tan pants?  

 

[Onboard 2.0 9,083]

I'll take my big man Abe, a Rail splittin' son of a bitch

[Onboard 2.0 9,083]

What about Thomas Jefferson ? He was relatively young , but I don't know shit about his athletic prowess.

[Loco 3,752]

I got Teddy Roosevelt... real american badass.  Studied Judo & jiu Jitsu

 

I see that Trumpkins are trying to equate Dotard and Teddy...  there could not be a more stark contrast of men.

Edited May 28, 2018 by Loco

[phdhorn 6,224]

Taft.  He would just sit on people until they asphyxiated.  Meanwhile he'd be eating a turkey leg and laughing.  Finally, he'd blast out a putrid, horrible smelling fart from that combination of cherries and milk and wild boar he ate last night.

Taft wins it all.

 

Goddmaddmit, Farting Monk beat me to it up there.  Repped him because he obviously thinks like a genius.  But I'll keep my post because FM left out the turkey leg.

Edited May 28, 2018 by phdhorn

[Eastwood 4,394]

Teddy has the will to kill a man. That gets one very far in a fight.

[Mapache 1,117]

https://www.quora.com/If-all-the-presidents-fought-each-other-who-would-win/answer/Josh-Fritz-4?share=848bb71b&srid=iDvy5

 

https://www.quora.com/If-all-the-presidents-fought-each-other-who-would-win/answer/Mark-Johnson-593?share=c026cc98&srid=iDvy5

"Lincoln was extremely strong, and a wrestler.

Derisively called "rail splitter" because he split railroad ties [for fences] as a youth, Lincoln was uncommonly strong ... [Once, a]s the presidential party lounged on the deck, Lincoln playfully demonstrated that in "muscular power he was one in a thousand," possessing "the strength of a giant." He picked up an ax and "held it at arm's length at the extremity of the [handle] with his thumb and forefinger, continuing to hold it there for a number of minutes. The most powerful sailors on board tried in vain to imitate him."

Lincoln also got physical at his first political speech ever at Pappsville, right outside Springfield. A fight broke out in the crowd, and Lincoln saw a friend about to get pummeled. Wrote historian Donald: "Quitting the platform, he strode into the audience, seized the accident by the neck and the seat of his trousers, and, as one witness remembered, threw him twelve feet away." At 6-foot-4 and 214 pounds, he was "strong enough to intimidate any rival."

Lincoln was undoubtedly the strongest of all the presidents, and a fearsome wrestler and fighter."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 28, 2018 by Mapache

[52-80 19,076]

6 hours ago, TriStone said:

What kinda stupid fucking question is this?  You got three dudes over 70 and two over 90, then you have Obama at 56 years old.  He'd beat those old fucks senseless.

I got 100$ on the old fucks.

 

[52-80 19,076]

17 minutes ago, Mapache said:

https://www.quora.com/If-all-the-presidents-fought-each-other-who-would-win/answer/Josh-Fritz-4?share=848bb71b&srid=iDvy5

 

https://www.quora.com/If-all-the-presidents-fought-each-other-who-would-win/answer/Mark-Johnson-593?share=c026cc98&srid=iDvy5

"Lincoln was extremely strong, and a wrestler.

Derisively called "rail splitter" because he split railroad ties [for fences] as a youth, Lincoln was uncommonly strong ... [Once, a]s the presidential party lounged on the deck, Lincoln playfully demonstrated that in "muscular power he was one in a thousand," possessing "the strength of a giant." He picked up an ax and "held it at arm's length at the extremity of the [handle] with his thumb and forefinger, continuing to hold it there for a number of minutes. The most powerful sailors on board tried in vain to imitate him."

Lincoln also got physical at his first political speech ever at Pappsville, right outside Springfield. A fight broke out in the crowd, and Lincoln saw a friend about to get pummeled. Wrote historian Donald: "Quitting the platform, he strode into the audience, seized the accident by the neck and the seat of his trousers, and, as one witness remembered, threw him twelve feet away." At 6-foot-4 and 214 pounds, he was "strong enough to intimidate any rival."

Lincoln was undoubtedly the strongest of all the presidents, and a fearsome wrestler and fighter."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did I ever tell you about the time Abe Lincoln sold me into slavery?

He puts me on a ship to Senegal, right? And I'm chained to a pipe. Meanwhile, ol' Lincoln, he's back in the States siring three beautiful children with my wife!

[Neonmoon 38,127]

Teddy Rosevelt would kick everyone ass. Lincoln and Grant as runner ups, 

Modern Presidents? They’re all pussies. Bush or Clinton maybe. Trump & Obama getting beat up by everyone. Same with Carter. Bush Sr maybe could beat some ass when he was really young but he was pretty old when he was president. 

[Pods 7,525]

TR

[David Dennison 18,646]

Washington

[Ragnarok 103]

5 hours ago, Dr. Teeth said:

Every President but Trump

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Trump

 

Well, Trump as a 70 year old probably wouldn't do too well, but as an athlete, he's top 5.  Put them in their prime and he's a long shot contender, along with H.W and W.  All good athletes.   If you have ever seen Obama swing a golf club, you know he is bottom 3.  He'd fight like a girl.

[David Dennison 18,646]

Just now, Ragnarok said:

Well, Trump as a 70 year old probably wouldn't do too well, but as an athlete, he's top 5.  Put them in their prime and he's a long shot contender, along with H.W and W.  All good athletes.   If you have ever seen Obama swing a golf club, you know he is bottom 3.  He'd fight like a girl.

Lolz. 

Oh, wait. You're serious.

[Parliament 14,121]

1 hour ago, Mapache said:

https://www.quora.com/If-all-the-presidents-fought-each-other-who-would-win/answer/Josh-Fritz-4?share=848bb71b&srid=iDvy5

 

https://www.quora.com/If-all-the-presidents-fought-each-other-who-would-win/answer/Mark-Johnson-593?share=c026cc98&srid=iDvy5

"Lincoln was extremely strong, and a wrestler.

Derisively called "rail splitter" because he split railroad ties [for fences] as a youth, Lincoln was uncommonly strong ... [Once, a]s the presidential party lounged on the deck, Lincoln playfully demonstrated that in "muscular power he was one in a thousand," possessing "the strength of a giant." He picked up an ax and "held it at arm's length at the extremity of the [handle] with his thumb and forefinger, continuing to hold it there for a number of minutes. The most powerful sailors on board tried in vain to imitate him."

Lincoln also got physical at his first political speech ever at Pappsville, right outside Springfield. A fight broke out in the crowd, and Lincoln saw a friend about to get pummeled. Wrote historian Donald: "Quitting the platform, he strode into the audience, seized the accident by the neck and the seat of his trousers, and, as one witness remembered, threw him twelve feet away." At 6-foot-4 and 214 pounds, he was "strong enough to intimidate any rival."

Lincoln was undoubtedly the strongest of all the presidents, and a fearsome wrestler and fighter."

 

 

 

 

With modern nutrition and S&C, that'd be 6' 7" and 240."  Dude would be an NFL tight end.

 

 

[Pescado_Rojo 19,330]

2 hours ago, DixonHur said:

Good ole boy from Texas getting no love?  LBJ was a big, mean, SOB.

And you know he’d fight dirty. Eye gouging, nut grabbing...maybe even a shiv. 

[Tuco 5,076]

Golf swings have long been considered the metric for athleticism amongst the wealthy white. How is Obama’s hockey game?

[Onboard 2.0 9,083]

1 minute ago, Tuco said:

Golf swings have long been considered the metric for athleticism amongst the wealthy white. How is Obama’s hockey game?

You mean Air hockey right ?

[Grade of D as in David 13,253]

47 minutes ago, Ragnarok said:

Well, Trump as a 70 year old probably wouldn't do too well, but as an athlete, he's top 5.  Put them in their prime and he's a long shot contender, along with H.W and W.  All good athletes.   If you have ever seen Obama swing a golf club, you know he is bottom 3.  He'd fight like a girl.

You didn't factor in the bone spurs.

 

I'm putting any of them who dodged the draft at the bottom, unless they were willing to go to jail as conscientious objectors like Ali.

[Ragnarok 103]

35 minutes ago, Tuco said:

Golf swings have long been considered the metric for athleticism amongst the wealthy white. How is Obama’s hockey game?

Probably pretty shitty.  Just can't see this guy winning a fight against anybody.  Start around the 1:45 mark

 

[Orca of Peace 109]

someone said Obama? lol, he's a girly man.  Teddy Roosevelt is my answer.  I also read that Abe was only 155-170 at 6'4" rail thin.  You need someone tough, stocky with thick limbs and a mean streak. 

[RDCanecutter 26,246]

10 hours ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

Pound for pound, I'm betting Jackson. Dude was a psycho. 

In a real fight, where you can stab a man through the eye and then peel and eat his face, Jackson, sure.

But you said fistfight.

For a punch-up, I gotta go with Abe. If you allow improvised weapons like swinging a bar stool, I wouldn't count Zachary Taylor out.

[MaybeACoordinator 8,349]

17 minutes ago, RDCanecutter said:

In a real fight, where you can stab a man through the eye and then peel and eat his face, Jackson, sure.

But you said fistfight.

For a punch-up, I gotta go with Abe. If you allow improvised weapons like swinging a bar stool, I wouldn't count Zachary Taylor out.

Jackson would be like one of those unkillable villains in a monster movie. Everybody would be standing around, breathing sighs of relief, saying "Whew, glad that's over," and then a bony, pale Scots-Irish hand would rise from what appeared to be a mangled corpse, and that hand would seize one of them by an ankle, and Andrew would croak "No man kills me and lives."

[RPM 26,209]

Sitting here thinking about it and Eisenhower may be seriously overlooked. The man was a career soldier. A trained killer. At 5'10" / 170 he was very fit and I'm sure when it came down to hand to hand he could hold his weight and then some.

[RDCanecutter 26,246]

Washington had the same "Never Quit" mindset as Grant, and did it with less-- Grant was in a tight spot for a little while at Chattanooga, but that would have been The Whole War for Washington.

Plus, when Washington was younger, he surveyed a ton of back country filled with rogues, outcasts, and Indian tribes who might have had mixed feelings towards him, and no security cameras watching them.

A comparable modern feat might be deciding to walk from Matamoros to Tijuana, on the Mexican side. Guy had to have bone marrow made out of Don't Give a Fuck.

[JukeJointJunkie 43]

11 hours ago, TriStone said:

What kinda stupid fucking question is this?  You got three dudes over 70 and two over 90, then you have Obama at 56 years old.  He'd beat those old fucks senseless.

Obama= Steve Urkel.

My money is on Abe Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.

[MaybeACoordinator 8,349]

Old Rough & Ready Zack Taylor is a good dark horse bet:

 

Quote

Born in a log cabin in rural Virginia in 1784, the unstoppable urge to kick fucking asses led Zack to join the U.S. Army in 1808.  He was garrisoned in Indiana when the War of 1812 broke out and the British started whipping American balls all over North America, but Taylor didn't give a shit.  When a massive screaming horde of over 600 rifle-toting, British-led American Indians launched a raid on Taylor's garrison at Fort Harrison, he just loaded his rifle and ran a stars-and-stripes up the flagpole.  Taylor only had 15 guys under his command, 5 of whom were sick as hell and puking their goddamned guts out like a frat brother with alcohol poisoning, but he told his men to bust their fucking nuts and kill anything that moved.  The Native Americans even set fire to the fort at one point, but Taylor and his men extinguished the flames and chased off the army of badass Indian braves.  This was the first American military victory of the War of 1812, and it helped inspire Taylor's countrymen to flip out, stop being such goddamned pussies, and fight off the British invasion.

 

[zork 629]

Maybe this would be for a new thread.  What if they were all put in the Erwin center at the same time and only one can come out?  Or if they did a Hunger Games challenge with all of them at the same time.  All at age 28. 

Then it would matter if they could negotiate, teamwork to an extent, till the final few when it would be more as the early part of the thread comes in.  However, weaker ones teaming up against the strongest might take place as well causing an upset.  Etc, etc.

/if you don't want to expand beyond mano y mano fistfights i'm cool. 

[Radical Larry 28,528]

William Henry Harrison