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If All The Presidents Got in a Fistfight, Who Would Win?

MaybeACoordinator

By MaybeACoordinator
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phdhorn

phdhorn 6224

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Little Jimmy Madison was like 5'4" and maybe 120 pounds soaking wet, and therefore our smallest Prez ever, so it would seem that he wouldn't fare well.  But he was so fucking smart, that he'd probably know some kind of "Vulcan D grip" thing to knock you out in 3 seconds.

I think he would probably finish higher than several presidents, maybe like Obama and William Henry Harrison.

I think if it were set up like brackets, the Final Four would be Washington, TR, Lincoln, and Truman (who was remarkably strong as a farmer, plus fast and athletic, and who also knew how to fire artillery into German lines in WWI and let's face it, dropped the big one.

Washington vs. Truman = Washington in a close one.
Lincoln vs. TR = Lincoln with that reach.

Washington vs. Lincoln - Lincoln comes out storming, but no President might have had the stamina of George, who was used to standing for long periods of time, and in times of great deprivation.  Washington withstands the early barrage and finally TKO's Lincoln in about the 23rd round, Abe just gives out.

Washington is the greatest, again.

 

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Parliament

Parliament 14357

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1 hour ago, RPM said:

Sitting here thinking about it and Eisenhower may be seriously overlooked. The man was a career soldier. A trained killer. At 5'10" / 170 he was very fit and I'm sure when it came down to hand to hand he could hold his weight and then some.

Was that before or after his heart attack?

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deft

deft 6896

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Posted

Tyler Durden:
OK: any historic figure.

Narrator:
I'd fight Gandhi.

Tyler Durden:
Good answer.

Narrator:
How about you?

Tyler Durden:
Lincoln.

Narrator:
Lincoln?

Tyler Durden:
Big guy, big reach. Skinny guys fight 'til they're burger.

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Gatorubet

Gatorubet 30330

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9 hours ago, Loco said:

I got Teddy Roosevelt... real american badass.  Studied Judo & jiu Jitsu

TR_San_Juan_Hill_1898.jpg

 

I see that Trumpkins are trying to equate Dotard and Teddy...  there could not be a more stark contrast of men.

Granted, the Buffalo Soldiers took the hills, and Teddy straggled up after losing most of his men...but he had a bunch of press with him, so he got the glory.    

That said, I'd take an Abe Teddy tag team against the rest of them.

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phdhorn

phdhorn 6224

Posted
Posted (edited)
5 minutes ago, 52-80 said:

How can someone who fancies himself a basketballer look so damn awkward throwing a baseball or swinging a golf club?

He's much of a basketballer either. Remember he was shooting buckets at the White House and went something like 2 for 22?  LOL!

http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2013/04/obama-basketball-video-easter-misses-air-ball.html

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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13253

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2 hours ago, Gatorubet said:

Granted, the Buffalo Soldiers took the hills, and Teddy straggled up after losing most of his men...but he had a bunch of press with him, so he got the glory.    

That said, I'd take an Abe Teddy tag team against the rest of them.

Andrew Jackson is definitely hitting someone from that tag team match with a folding chair. 

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Bullneck

Bullneck 19262

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20 hours ago, RPM said:

It would come down to Abe Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt. Abe was a rail splitting mofo, so he had impressive upper body strength, form and reach. On the other hand Teddy gave zero fucks and would attack like a pitbull. Either way, I don't see it going the distance.

No love for LBJ?  He was a big dude.

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Bama Chick

Bama Chick 28596

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I think we are underestimating Bill Clinton.  He grew up redneck and poor in Arkansas.

I bet he knows how to scrap.  Plus, he's a fairly big dude as well.

He couldn't take anyone now - except maybe GHW Bush and Trump - but in his prime I bet he could have held his own.

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MaybeACoordinator

MaybeACoordinator 8350

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41 minutes ago, Bama Chick said:

I think we are underestimating Bill Clinton.  He grew up redneck and poor in Arkansas.

I bet he knows how to scrap.  Plus, he's a fairly big dude as well.

He couldn't take anyone now - except maybe GHW Bush and Trump - but in his prime I bet he could have held his own.

Eh, he was a fat band kid. That deprived sexual youth propelled him to leadership of the free world and more poontang than KD Lang. 

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FartingMonk

FartingMonk 3608

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fuck.  how the hell did I forget about John Adams.  He was a wily ol' lawyer.  I can see it now.  He would start grandstanding with some speech about why fighting would be bad and there can be a better resolution to this than getting into a fight.  Just as he is about to lull the other presidents to sleep.  He'd slap the shit out of them with a subpoena.  Then he would channel his inner Stone Cold Steve Austin and pummel you to death with his patented finishing move "The filibuster"

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Guest

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19 hours ago, longhornmatt said:

A fairly large percentage of our former Presidents were war heroes.  I think they could probably take the last two golf course warriors pretty easily.

Lincoln, Washington, Jefferson, and Andrew Jackson were all over 6’1” (very large for their eras).  I’m guessing all of them except Jefferson could scrap.  So, I’m going with those 3 and TR in the final four.

This is what i was thinking about.

Ike was a hellofa fighting man in his own right.

Maybe it is part of the legend, but I think you would absolutely have to kill Washington to defeat him.  Teddy too.

If the prize was a piece of ass, ole JFK would have had the Eye of the Tiger too...

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F250

F250 28882

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On 5/28/2018 at 1:58 PM, phdhorn said:

Little Jimmy Madison was like 5'4" and maybe 120 pounds soaking wet, and therefore our smallest Prez ever, so it would seem that he wouldn't fare well.  But he was so fucking smart, that he'd probably know some kind of "Vulcan D grip" thing to knock you out in 3 seconds.

I think he would probably finish higher than several presidents, maybe like Obama and William Henry Harrison.

I think if it were set up like brackets, the Final Four would be Washington, TR, Lincoln, and Truman (who was remarkably strong as a farmer, plus fast and athletic, and who also knew how to fire artillery into German lines in WWI and let's face it, dropped the big one.

Washington vs. Truman = Washington in a close one.
Lincoln vs. TR = Lincoln with that reach.

Washington vs. Lincoln - Lincoln comes out storming, but no President might have had the stamina of George, who was used to standing for long periods of time, and in times of great deprivation.  Washington withstands the early barrage and finally TKO's Lincoln in about the 23rd round, Abe just gives out.

Washington is the greatest, again.

 

Both Washington and Lincoln were skilled wrestlers but it seems Lincoln's wrestling accomplishments were against tougher opponents. I think Washington might have benefited from wrestling with English nancy boys whereas Lincoln was demolishing frontier ruffians. Abe was also a vampire killer.

Lincoln pound for pound is the best Presidential fighter.

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Onboard 2.0

Onboard 2.0 9083

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4 minutes ago, F250 said:

Both Washington and Lincoln were skilled wrestlers but it seems Lincoln's wrestling accomplishments were against tougher opponents. I think Washington might have benefited from wrestling with English nancy boys whereas Lincoln was demolishing frontier ruffians. Abe was also a vampire killer.

Lincoln pound for pound is the best Presidential fighter.

He was a rail splittin' son of a gun......

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LongestHorn

LongestHorn 759

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Lincoln with the reach advantage standing up, and a strong butterfly guard on his back.  It would be Lincoln and Washinton in the finals.  I can't discount Washington's rear naked choke and arm bar game.  Don't know who would win between those two.  

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NotActuallyALonghorn

NotActuallyALonghorn 4979

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4 hours ago, LongestHorn said:

Lincoln with the reach advantage standing up, and a strong butterfly guard on his back.  It would be Lincoln and Washinton in the finals.  I can't discount Washington's rear naked choke and arm bar game.  Don't know who would win between those two.  

The spanish also thought their fleet was unstoppable. Turns out smaller and quicker has a place in fights as well. And how many speeches did Lincoln give after any assassination attempts? 

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LongestHorn

LongestHorn 759

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Not discounting TR.  I have him in the Final Four after beating Truman.  TR is a honeybadger.  But he is going to get cut down from leg kicks.  He gives up too much to the taller POTUS contenders.  Ford has great feet for his size, quick take down, and ground/pound game.  Lost a close decision to US Grant in the semis.  Clinton Trump undercard did not go to the judges.  Bush was DQ for pocket sand in his dad's face.  

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