Family member you are most embarrassed of

[MissingInAction 25,190]

9 hours ago, FloridaHorn said:

This is a difficult topic, as almost all of my family is equally embarrassing. As I have mentioned in other threads, my mother's side of the family is a complete trainwreck.

My maternal Grandmother had 4 children, whom she decided to name Sherry, Jerry, Garry, and Larry. My maternal Grandfather died at a young age from chronic alcoholism. There are too many grandkids and great grandkids to count, but they are all equally fucked up in their own right. 3 People in this family have managed to get a college degree, me, my son, and my daughter. The rest of the lot still reside in various parts of Ellis County, so beware when you travel through that area.

 

Sherry - the oldest of the lot is a total Bible thumper with 3 children. She and her husband own the compound where several family members towed their homes to live. She has a set of 350lb female twins and an openly gay son who she disowned when he came out as an 18 year old at the family Thanksgiving dinner.

Jerry - My mother...married 7 times, but single and lived with her mother and Garry for the last 15 years of her life. Over the years, she managed to talk me out of over $100K in loans, which I never saw a penny of. The last of the money was given to her before Christmas in 2007, so she could buy presents for my kids. My son got a book and a backpack, my daughter got a JC Penney's dress, and my mother bought herself a $400 digital camera to record the whole event. The irony of the camera purchase is that she did not own a computer to download the pics.

Garry - The real gem of the group, a raging Redneck and Bigot. He has never held a steady job, and lived with his mother for over 30 years of his adult life. When his mother passed away, it took Garry a whole 3 weeks to fall asleep while smoking and burn the beloved trailer house down. He now lives on the compound, in a travel trailer that he affectionately refers to as the "Pussy Palace." Garry is an alcoholic, and a pot head. He inherited the above mentioned trailer when his mother died. After the fire, he was given a little over $30K in insurance money (this was a really nice place. LOL) He spent most of the money on pot and budweiser, but managed to save enough to purchase a used 24' travel trailer as his dream dwelling. His son spent 14 years in the state prison, for manufacturing and selling meth. My brother was one of his main customers.

Larry - Looks like Bozo, but with black hair. Worthless as the rest of the family, but somehow thinks he is above them. He has been on disability for about 20 years, though none of know exactly why.

 

 

I will try and come back later and post a few Uncle Garry stories.

 

 

Sounds like my cousins in Weatherford and rendon.

[Moby Ric 2,058]

9 hours ago, FloridaHorn said:

This is a difficult topic, as almost all of my family is equally embarrassing. As I have mentioned in other threads, my mother's side of the family is a complete trainwreck.

My maternal Grandmother had 4 children, whom she decided to name Sherry, Jerry, Garry, and Larry. My maternal Grandfather died at a young age from chronic alcoholism. There are too many grandkids and great grandkids to count, but they are all equally fucked up in their own right. 3 People in this family have managed to get a college degree, me, my son, and my daughter. The rest of the lot still reside in various parts of Ellis County, so beware when you travel through that area.

 

Sherry - the oldest of the lot is a total Bible thumper with 3 children. She and her husband own the compound where several family members towed their homes to live. She has a set of 350lb female twins and an openly gay son who she disowned when he came out as an 18 year old at the family Thanksgiving dinner.

Jerry - My mother...married 7 times, but single and lived with her mother and Garry for the last 15 years of her life. Over the years, she managed to talk me out of over $100K in loans, which I never saw a penny of. The last of the money was given to her before Christmas in 2007, so she could buy presents for my kids. My son got a book and a backpack, my daughter got a JC Penney's dress, and my mother bought herself a $400 digital camera to record the whole event. The irony of the camera purchase is that she did not own a computer to download the pics.

Garry - The real gem of the group, a raging Redneck and Bigot. He has never held a steady job, and lived with his mother for over 30 years of his adult life. When his mother passed away, it took Garry a whole 3 weeks to fall asleep while smoking and burn the beloved trailer house down. He now lives on the compound, in a travel trailer that he affectionately refers to as the "Pussy Palace." Garry is an alcoholic, and a pot head. He inherited the above mentioned trailer when his mother died. After the fire, he was given a little over $30K in insurance money (this was a really nice place. LOL) He spent most of the money on pot and budweiser, but managed to save enough to purchase a used 24' travel trailer as his dream dwelling. His son spent 14 years in the state prison, for manufacturing and selling meth. My brother was one of his main customers.

Larry - Looks like Bozo, but with black hair. Worthless as the rest of the family, but somehow thinks he is above them. He has been on disability for about 20 years, though none of know exactly why.

 

 

I will try and come back later and post a few Uncle Garry stories.

 

 

Is your last name Gergich?

[FloridaHorn 4,769]

35 minutes ago, Moby Ric said:

Is your last name Gergich?

Nope

[Moby Ric 2,058]

4 minutes ago, FloridaHorn said:

Nope

Edited April 26, 2022 by Moby Ric

[GhostOfTomJoad 9,352]

9 hours ago, FloridaHorn said:

My son got a book and a backpack, my daughter got a JC Penney's dress, and my mother bought herself a $400 digital camera to record the whole event. The irony of the camera purchase is that she did not own a computer to download the pics.

Oh god does THIS jewel bring back memories. My dad's been married 3X so if he'd stayed with his 2nd wife (Kay, an alcoholic, philandering credit card fiend) her older brother, Glenn, would be in strong contention for this honor.

Glenn was a classic cheap, wannabe golf hustler from Minnesota. He was a 10 handicap who knew that he'd make the senior tour and cleanup if his wife, Sandy, would get a job so he could keep his membership at Stillwater CC and practice more often instead of working at his chosen profession which was a tire salesman. Oh yes, the income was just rolling in for a guy in '81 who barely graduated HS and whose only skill--besides getting drunk--was changing and selling tires. Check that. He had a 3rd skill: getting his 80 year old Auntie Eleanor drunk on rum and cokes then hitting her with sob stories about how he didn't know how he was going to get clothes for his 2 daughters or put food on the table until she'd start writing him checks.

In '82 Glenn decided MN wasn't living up to expectations so he packed his wife & daughters into the station wagon and headed to Clovis, CA where his parents had retired 5 years earlier. He was sure to sell more tires there AND the better weather would help him practice his golf game which was going to be his ticket to the good life. In reality he spent 12 months getting drunk and losing whatever money he could skim from his parents hustling at the munies. Here's where it gets good.

In November of '83, the Monday before Thanksgiving, Glenn calls his sister Kay to say "hey, we're gonna move back to MN. Can we spend a couple nights at your house until we get settled." Kay says, "sure. When do you think you'll be arriving?" Glenn says "well if we stay ahead of the snowstorm we'll be getting there tomorrow." I literally thought my dad's eyes were going to pop out of his head when he heard this.

Glenn and the fam showed up the next day in the middle of a blizzard. We unpacked the few things they had and the 4 of them took over my oldest sister's bedroom in the basement. Glenn promised he'd be pounding the pavement looking for a job as soon as the Thanksgiving holiday was over. So Glenn, Sandy and their 2 daughters (aged four and two) settled into the basement where he proceeded to do jack shit except pretend to look for work & get drunk. He had a great act of waking up as soon as the paper was delivered so he could be sitting at the breakfast table pretending to look through the want ads for jobs while my dad was getting ready for work. As soon as dad & Kay headed to the office he'd go back to bed. Around noon he'd head to the bars and come home drunk, always with a story about how he was at an interview and ran into an old friend who wanted to buy him a drink, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, Kay's got my dad's balls in her purse and checkbook in her hands. The two girls barely have any clothes and certainly no winter clothes which gives Kay an excuse to do what she loves most which is spend money. And of course they needed food, diapers, etc. My dad knew that there was about no chance Glenn was finding a job before the first of the year so as Xmas got closer & closer he kept watching his wife spend more & more on her two nieces.

Then it happened. We were all going over to Dave's, Glenn and Kay's baby brother, on Dec 23rd for an early family Xmas. My dad's fed up and on thin ice. Kay--who's spent a couple grand on her nieces already--tells my dad that he needs to give Glenn some money so he can buy gifts for his wife and daughters. While gnashing his teeth he gives Glenn (who initially tries the "oh, I can't take your money" routine for about 5 seconds) $250 cash. My 14 year old self watched my dad count out the money, hand it to him, and tell him to "do the right thing."

Glenn vanishes for the next 6 or 7 hours. We're all at Dave and his wife's house, eating a bland MN Xmas feast. Dave is consoling my dad because he knows what a useless asshole his older brother is. Glenn's wife is frantically calling friends to see if anyone knows his whereabouts. She's crying. The young girls are crying. Kay's drunk & yelling at my dad for not offering to take Glenn shopping.

Suddenly Glenn's station wagon is pulling up the driveway. He staggers out of the car and pulls a huge box out of the back. He comes in the house and slurs "Merrrah Chrisstmaass" and plops his loot on the floor. There were exactly 3 gifts: a bottle of cheap perfume for Sandy, and for his 2 daughters an Emerson stereo and a vinyl box set of Frank Sinatra's greatest hits. Dave asked his brother point blank "what the fuck were you thinking?" Glenn's reasoning was that it was never too early for the girls to learn to appreciate good music & that this would help them get into college down the road. Sandy--who was timid as a church mouse--walked up to Glenn, slapped him hard across the face and shouted "you're an asshole." My dad's head damn near exploded.

It was the greatest example of selfishness I think I've ever seen. I wonder if that fucker is still live or pickled in a cemetery somewhere.

[Sbbruin 21,892]

12 hours ago, FloridaHorn said:

This is a difficult topic, as almost all of my family is equally embarrassing. As I have mentioned in other threads, my mother's side of the family is a complete trainwreck.

My maternal Grandmother had 4 children, whom she decided to name Sherry, Jerry, Garry, and Larry. My maternal Grandfather died at a young age from chronic alcoholism. There are too many grandkids and great grandkids to count, but they are all equally fucked up in their own right. 3 People in this family have managed to get a college degree, me, my son, and my daughter. The rest of the lot still reside in various parts of Ellis County, so beware when you travel through that area.

 

Sherry - the oldest of the lot is a total Bible thumper with 3 children. She and her husband own the compound where several family members towed their homes to live. She has a set of 350lb female twins and an openly gay son who she disowned when he came out as an 18 year old at the family Thanksgiving dinner.

Jerry - My mother...married 7 times, but single and lived with her mother and Garry for the last 15 years of her life. Over the years, she managed to talk me out of over $100K in loans, which I never saw a penny of. The last of the money was given to her before Christmas in 2007, so she could buy presents for my kids. My son got a book and a backpack, my daughter got a JC Penney's dress, and my mother bought herself a $400 digital camera to record the whole event. The irony of the camera purchase is that she did not own a computer to download the pics.

Garry - The real gem of the group, a raging Redneck and Bigot. He has never held a steady job, and lived with his mother for over 30 years of his adult life. When his mother passed away, it took Garry a whole 3 weeks to fall asleep while smoking and burn the beloved trailer house down. He now lives on the compound, in a travel trailer that he affectionately refers to as the "Pussy Palace." Garry is an alcoholic, and a pot head. He inherited the above mentioned trailer when his mother died. After the fire, he was given a little over $30K in insurance money (this was a really nice place. LOL) He spent most of the money on pot and budweiser, but managed to save enough to purchase a used 24' travel trailer as his dream dwelling. His son spent 14 years in the state prison, for manufacturing and selling meth. My brother was one of his main customers.

Larry - Looks like Bozo, but with black hair. Worthless as the rest of the family, but somehow thinks he is above them. He has been on disability for about 20 years, though none of know exactly why.

 

 

I will try and come back later and post a few Uncle Garry stories.

 

 

See, this is what makes this thread so special.  Well done, good sir.

3 hours ago, DallasHorn26 said:

My sister (no pics). My parents allowed her to drop out of school and get married at 16. She then left her husband who worked an oilfield job for a crack dealer. She would sneak the crack dealer over while her husband was home and he would hide under their trailer house. They eventually ran off to a crack motel together where she was busted in a major federal trafficking case at the age of 18. Since her 3 1/2 year stint in the federal pen about ten years ago, shes upgraded to a meth head about twice her age and has a son with him. Im pretty sure he’s never held a job for more than two weeks and she never has. They are squatting in a house with no electricity or running water. They dumpster dive and steal for food/money. Last I heard, the kid hasn’t been in school in a year because they’re concerned about CPS involvement. Meth head also had a partial foot amputation due to infections and recently had a below knee amputation on his other leg.

And a worthy follow up.

[Sbbruin 21,892]

1 hour ago, GhostOfTomJoad said:

Oh god does THIS jewel bring back memories. My dad's been married 3X so if he'd stayed with his 2nd wife (Kay, an alcoholic, philandering credit card fiend) her older brother, Glenn, would be in strong contention for this honor.

Glenn was a classic cheap, wannabe golf hustler from Minnesota. He was a 10 handicap who knew that he'd make the senior tour and cleanup if his wife, Sandy, would get a job so he could keep his membership at Stillwater CC and practice more often instead of working at his chosen profession which was a tire salesman. Oh yes, the income was just rolling in for a guy in '81 who barely graduated HS and whose only skill--besides getting drunk--was changing and selling tires. Check that. He had a 3rd skill: getting his 80 year old Auntie Eleanor drunk on rum and cokes then hitting her with sob stories about how he didn't know how he was going to get clothes for his 2 daughters or put food on the table until she'd start writing him checks.

In '82 Glenn decided MN wasn't living up to expectations so he packed his wife & daughters into the station wagon and headed to Clovis, CA where his parents had retired 5 years earlier. He was sure to sell more tires there AND the better weather would help him practice his golf game which was going to be his ticket to the good life. In reality he spent 12 months getting drunk and losing whatever money he could skim from his parents hustling at the munies. Here's where it gets good.

In November of '83, the Monday before Thanksgiving, Glenn calls his sister Kay to say "hey, we're gonna move back to MN. Can we spend a couple nights at your house until we get settled." Kay says, "sure. When do you think you'll be arriving?" Glenn says "well if we stay ahead of the snowstorm we'll be getting there tomorrow." I literally thought my dad's eyes were going to pop out of his head when he heard this.

Glenn and the fam showed up the next day in the middle of a blizzard. We unpacked the few things they had and the 4 of them took over my oldest sister's bedroom in the basement. Glenn promised he'd be pounding the pavement looking for a job as soon as the Thanksgiving holiday was over. So Glenn, Sandy and their 2 daughters (aged four and two) settled into the basement where he proceeded to do jack shit except pretend to look for work & get drunk. He had a great act of waking up as soon as the paper was delivered so he could be sitting at the breakfast table pretending to look through the want ads for jobs while my dad was getting ready for work. As soon as dad & Kay headed to the office he'd go back to bed. Around noon he'd head to the bars and come home drunk, always with a story about how he was at an interview and ran into an old friend who wanted to buy him a drink, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, Kay's got my dad's balls in her purse and checkbook in her hands. The two girls barely have any clothes and certainly no winter clothes which gives Kay an excuse to do what she loves most which is spend money. And of course they needed food, diapers, etc. My dad knew that there was about no chance Glenn was finding a job before the first of the year so as Xmas got closer & closer he kept watching his wife spend more & more on her two nieces.

Then it happened. We were all going over to Dave's, Glenn and Kay's baby brother, on Dec 23rd for an early family Xmas. My dad's fed up and on thin ice. Kay--who's spent a couple grand on her nieces already--tells my dad that he needs to give Glenn some money so he can buy gifts for his wife and daughters. While gnashing his teeth he gives Glenn (who initially tries the "oh, I can't take your money" routine for about 5 seconds) $250 cash. My 14 year old self watched my dad count out the money, hand it to him, and tell him to "do the right thing."

Glenn vanishes for the next 6 or 7 hours. We're all at Dave and his wife's house, eating a bland MN Xmas feast. Dave is consoling my dad because he knows what a useless asshole his older brother is. Glenn's wife is frantically calling friends to see if anyone knows his whereabouts. She's crying. The young girls are crying. Kay's drunk & yelling at my dad for not offering to take Glenn shopping.

Suddenly Glenn's station wagon is pulling up the driveway. He staggers out of the car and pulls a huge box out of the back. He comes in the house and slurs "Merrrah Chrisstmaass" and plops his loot on the floor. There were exactly 3 gifts: a bottle of cheap perfume for Sandy, and for his 2 daughters an Emerson stereo and a vinyl box set of Frank Sinatra's greatest hits. Dave asked his brother point blank "what the fuck were you thinking?" Glenn's reasoning was that it was never too early for the girls to learn to appreciate good music & that this would help them get into college down the road. Sandy--who was timid as a church mouse--walked up to Glenn, slapped him hard across the face and shouted "you're an asshole." My dad's head damn near exploded.

It was the greatest example of selfishness I think I've ever seen. I wonder if that fucker is still live or pickled in a cemetery somewhere.

Guess I spoke too soon.  Outstanding.

[DallasHorn26 586]

Oh god does THIS jewel bring back memories. My dad's been married 3X so if he'd stayed with his 2nd wife (Kay, an alcoholic, philandering credit card fiend) her older brother, Glenn, would be in strong contention for this honor.
Glenn was a classic cheap, wannabe golf hustler from Minnesota. He was a 10 handicap who knew that he'd make the senior tour and cleanup if his wife, Sandy, would get a job so he could keep his membership at Stillwater CC and practice more often instead of working at his chosen profession which was a tire salesman. Oh yes, the income was just rolling in for a guy in '81 who barely graduated HS and whose only skill--besides getting drunk--was changing and selling tires. Check that. He had a 3rd skill: getting his 80 year old Auntie Eleanor drunk on rum and cokes then hitting her with sob stories about how he didn't know how he was going to get clothes for his 2 daughters or put food on the table until she'd start writing him checks.
In '82 Glenn decided MN wasn't living up to expectations so he packed his wife & daughters into the station wagon and headed to Clovis, CA where his parents had retired 5 years earlier. He was sure to sell more tires there AND the better weather would help him practice his golf game which was going to be his ticket to the good life. In reality he spent 12 months getting drunk and losing whatever money he could skim from his parents hustling at the munies. Here's where it gets good.
In November of '83, the Monday before Thanksgiving, Glenn calls his sister Kay to say "hey, we're gonna move back to MN. Can we spend a couple nights at your house until we get settled." Kay says, "sure. When do you think you'll be arriving?" Glenn says "well if we stay ahead of the snowstorm we'll be getting there tomorrow." I literally thought my dad's eyes were going to pop out of his head when he heard this.
Glenn and the fam showed up the next day in the middle of a blizzard. We unpacked the few things they had and the 4 of them took over my oldest sister's bedroom in the basement. Glenn promised he'd be pounding the pavement looking for a job as soon as the Thanksgiving holiday was over. So Glenn, Sandy and their 2 daughters (aged four and two) settled into the basement where he proceeded to do jack shit except pretend to look for work & get drunk. He had a great act of waking up as soon as the paper was delivered so he could be sitting at the breakfast table pretending to look through the want ads for jobs while my dad was getting ready for work. As soon as dad & Kay headed to the office he'd go back to bed. Around noon he'd head to the bars and come home drunk, always with a story about how he was at an interview and ran into an old friend who wanted to buy him a drink, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, Kay's got my dad's balls in her purse and checkbook in her hands. The two girls barely have any clothes and certainly no winter clothes which gives Kay an excuse to do what she loves most which is spend money. And of course they needed food, diapers, etc. My dad knew that there was about no chance Glenn was finding a job before the first of the year so as Xmas got closer & closer he kept watching his wife spend more & more on her two nieces.
Then it happened. We were all going over to Dave's, Glenn and Kay's baby brother, on Dec 23rd for an early family Xmas. My dad's fed up and on thin ice. Kay--who's spent a couple grand on her nieces already--tells my dad that he needs to give Glenn some money so he can buy gifts for his wife and daughters. While gnashing his teeth he gives Glenn (who initially tries the "oh, I can't take your money" routine for about 5 seconds) $250 cash. My 14 year old self watched my dad count out the money, hand it to him, and tell him to "do the right thing."
Glenn vanishes for the next 6 or 7 hours. We're all at Dave and his wife's house, eating a bland MN Xmas feast. Dave is consoling my dad because he knows what a useless asshole his older brother is. Glenn's wife is frantically calling friends to see if anyone knows his whereabouts. She's crying. The young girls are crying. Kay's drunk & yelling at my dad for not offering to take Glenn shopping.
Suddenly Glenn's station wagon is pulling up the driveway. He staggers out of the car and pulls a huge box out of the back. He comes in the house and slurs "Merrrah Chrisstmaass" and plops his loot on the floor. There were exactly 3 gifts: a bottle of cheap perfume for Sandy, and for his 2 daughters an Emerson stereo and a vinyl box set of Frank Sinatra's greatest hits. Dave asked his brother point blank "what the fuck were you thinking?" Glenn's reasoning was that it was never too early for the girls to learn to appreciate good music & that this would help them get into college down the road. Sandy--who was timid as a church mouse--walked up to Glenn, slapped him hard across the face and shouted "you're an asshole." My dad's head damn near exploded.
It was the greatest example of selfishness I think I've ever seen. I wonder if that fucker is still live or pickled in a cemetery somewhere.

[FloridaHorn 4,769]

It was Thanksgiving 1986, at the tender age of 16 that I realized my family was different. For the first time, I brought a girlfriend to the family Holiday dinner. She was a good girl from a good family, and she wasn't ready for what that day would bring. Uncle Garry had been drinking since about 10 AM, while smoking cigarettes on the back porch. It was late afternoon when my Grandmother announced that dinner was ready and we should head to the table. Typical set up of young kids at a small table to the side and the rest of us circling the family table in the dining room. As we sit, Uncle Garry sits directly next to my date. As tradition would have it, we would all take turns to proclaim what we were most Thankful for that year. When it came to my girlfriend, she said "I am thankful for having a great boyfriend and getting to spend this holiday with his family", and a round of awwwwws spread throughout the room. Next up Uncle Garry, who mumbles a few words and then turns to my girlfriend and says, "So, how long did you make him wait before he got a little stinky on his pinky?" 1/2 the family was in shock, 1/2 in laughter and my elder grandma in confusion as she didn't hear/understand what was said. I was mortified, but not surprised and that was the last family Holiday that young lady attended with me.

 

 

Fast forward about 5 years....set up is exactly the same as in 1986. Bible thumping Sherry's son decides that he is most thankful "to have a loving family that I know will support me, even though I am gay." Complete despair spread across Aunt Sherry's face, as she finally heard what most of the family had known for years. Her son, a supposed child of God, was homosexual. As she regained her composure, she broke the silence by asking if there were any other bombshells he wanted to drop, to which he replies, "Yes, I also got a tattoo, but its hidden on my hip where no one will see." Sherry musters the strength to ask what the tattoo says....and before he could answer, Uncle Garry blurts "It says I'm a Queer, Stick it Here!" 

 

And the road goes on forever and the party never ends.

[Parliament 14,313]

Uncle Garry kinda redeemed himself at the end.

[MissingInAction 25,190]

I'd party with uncle Gary. 

Paternal grandmother is a black widow. She's had 5 husband's who all died within a few years of marrying her. My father and 2 more sons from the first and a daughter from the second. 

The whole family got food poisoning one Thanksgiving at her place in the late 80's. I'm convimced she was trying to kill us all but had lost her touch.

[40acredropout 2,902]

What’s Uncle Gary’s surly handle?

[FloridaHorn 4,769]

16 hours ago, 40acredropout said:

What’s Uncle Gary’s surly handle?

Funny you would think he is capable of using a computer or smart phone.

[luke duke 6,414]

This is a difficult topic, as almost all of my family is equally embarrassing. As I have mentioned in other threads, my mother's side of the family is a complete trainwreck.
My maternal Grandmother had 4 children, whom she decided to name Sherry, Jerry, Garry, and Larry. My maternal Grandfather died at a young age from chronic alcoholism. There are too many grandkids and great grandkids to count, but they are all equally fucked up in their own right. 3 People in this family have managed to get a college degree, me, my son, and my daughter. The rest of the lot still reside in various parts of Ellis County, so beware when you travel through that area.
 
Sherry - the oldest of the lot is a total Bible thumper with 3 children. She and her husband own the compound where several family members towed their homes to live. She has a set of 350lb female twins and an openly gay son who she disowned when he came out as an 18 year old at the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Jerry - My mother...married 7 times, but single and lived with her mother and Garry for the last 15 years of her life. Over the years, she managed to talk me out of over $100K in loans, which I never saw a penny of. The last of the money was given to her before Christmas in 2007, so she could buy presents for my kids. My son got a book and a backpack, my daughter got a JC Penney's dress, and my mother bought herself a $400 digital camera to record the whole event. The irony of the camera purchase is that she did not own a computer to download the pics.
Garry - The real gem of the group, a raging Redneck and Bigot. He has never held a steady job, and lived with his mother for over 30 years of his adult life. When his mother passed away, it took Garry a whole 3 weeks to fall asleep while smoking and burn the beloved trailer house down. He now lives on the compound, in a travel trailer that he affectionately refers to as the "Pussy Palace." Garry is an alcoholic, and a pot head. He inherited the above mentioned trailer when his mother died. After the fire, he was given a little over $30K in insurance money (this was a really nice place. LOL) He spent most of the money on pot and budweiser, but managed to save enough to purchase a used 24' travel trailer as his dream dwelling. His son spent 14 years in the state prison, for manufacturing and selling meth. My brother was one of his main customers.
Larry - Looks like Bozo, but with black hair. Worthless as the rest of the family, but somehow thinks he is above them. He has been on disability for about 20 years, though none of know exactly why.
 
 
I will try and come back later and post a few Uncle Garry stories.
 
 

[luke duke 6,414]

What’s Uncle Gary’s surly handle?

MissingInAction

[Vegas64 678]

This page is pure phantasmagoria. I love it.

[closetohumping 17,473]

What was that line in Rounders?  “ If you can’t spot the family member that’s most  embarrassing then you’re the family member that’s most embarrassing”

[Baboontyme 2,825]

On 4/26/2022 at 6:42 PM, GhostOfTomJoad said:

Oh god does THIS jewel bring back memories. My dad's been married 3X so if he'd stayed with his 2nd wife (Kay, an alcoholic, philandering credit card fiend) her older brother, Glenn, would be in strong contention for this honor.

Glenn was a classic cheap, wannabe golf hustler from Minnesota. He was a 10 handicap who knew that he'd make the senior tour and cleanup if his wife, Sandy, would get a job so he could keep his membership at Stillwater CC and practice more often instead of working at his chosen profession which was a tire salesman. Oh yes, the income was just rolling in for a guy in '81 who barely graduated HS and whose only skill--besides getting drunk--was changing and selling tires. Check that. He had a 3rd skill: getting his 80 year old Auntie Eleanor drunk on rum and cokes then hitting her with sob stories about how he didn't know how he was going to get clothes for his 2 daughters or put food on the table until she'd start writing him checks.

In '82 Glenn decided MN wasn't living up to expectations so he packed his wife & daughters into the station wagon and headed to Clovis, CA where his parents had retired 5 years earlier. He was sure to sell more tires there AND the better weather would help him practice his golf game which was going to be his ticket to the good life. In reality he spent 12 months getting drunk and losing whatever money he could skim from his parents hustling at the munies. Here's where it gets good.

In November of '83, the Monday before Thanksgiving, Glenn calls his sister Kay to say "hey, we're gonna move back to MN. Can we spend a couple nights at your house until we get settled." Kay says, "sure. When do you think you'll be arriving?" Glenn says "well if we stay ahead of the snowstorm we'll be getting there tomorrow." I literally thought my dad's eyes were going to pop out of his head when he heard this.

Glenn and the fam showed up the next day in the middle of a blizzard. We unpacked the few things they had and the 4 of them took over my oldest sister's bedroom in the basement. Glenn promised he'd be pounding the pavement looking for a job as soon as the Thanksgiving holiday was over. So Glenn, Sandy and their 2 daughters (aged four and two) settled into the basement where he proceeded to do jack shit except pretend to look for work & get drunk. He had a great act of waking up as soon as the paper was delivered so he could be sitting at the breakfast table pretending to look through the want ads for jobs while my dad was getting ready for work. As soon as dad & Kay headed to the office he'd go back to bed. Around noon he'd head to the bars and come home drunk, always with a story about how he was at an interview and ran into an old friend who wanted to buy him a drink, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, Kay's got my dad's balls in her purse and checkbook in her hands. The two girls barely have any clothes and certainly no winter clothes which gives Kay an excuse to do what she loves most which is spend money. And of course they needed food, diapers, etc. My dad knew that there was about no chance Glenn was finding a job before the first of the year so as Xmas got closer & closer he kept watching his wife spend more & more on her two nieces.

Then it happened. We were all going over to Dave's, Glenn and Kay's baby brother, on Dec 23rd for an early family Xmas. My dad's fed up and on thin ice. Kay--who's spent a couple grand on her nieces already--tells my dad that he needs to give Glenn some money so he can buy gifts for his wife and daughters. While gnashing his teeth he gives Glenn (who initially tries the "oh, I can't take your money" routine for about 5 seconds) $250 cash. My 14 year old self watched my dad count out the money, hand it to him, and tell him to "do the right thing."

Glenn vanishes for the next 6 or 7 hours. We're all at Dave and his wife's house, eating a bland MN Xmas feast. Dave is consoling my dad because he knows what a useless asshole his older brother is. Glenn's wife is frantically calling friends to see if anyone knows his whereabouts. She's crying. The young girls are crying. Kay's drunk & yelling at my dad for not offering to take Glenn shopping.

Suddenly Glenn's station wagon is pulling up the driveway. He staggers out of the car and pulls a huge box out of the back. He comes in the house and slurs "Merrrah Chrisstmaass" and plops his loot on the floor. There were exactly 3 gifts: a bottle of cheap perfume for Sandy, and for his 2 daughters an Emerson stereo and a vinyl box set of Frank Sinatra's greatest hits. Dave asked his brother point blank "what the fuck were you thinking?" Glenn's reasoning was that it was never too early for the girls to learn to appreciate good music & that this would help them get into college down the road. Sandy--who was timid as a church mouse--walked up to Glenn, slapped him hard across the face and shouted "you're an asshole." My dad's head damn near exploded.

It was the greatest example of selfishness I think I've ever seen. I wonder if that fucker is still live or pickled in a cemetery somewhere.

Strong Homer bowling ball vibes. 

[MissingInAction 25,190]

On 4/28/2022 at 1:43 PM, luke duke said:

MissingInAction

Lolwut

[Al_4_ISU 12,486]

I have a second cousin I was close with growing up.  They lived a mile down the road, and in rural Iowa, that's your next door neighbor.  Our dads (who are first cousins) were always close so we spent a lot of time raising hell as kids and were basically brothers.

When we were in college, he got fully sucked into Amway.  Since 2006 his full time job has been doing Amway shit.  He's made some money I suppose, but I basically had to cut ties with him because he was always trying to either get me into it, or to buy his crap.  Within months he went from being one of my favorite people on the planet to a robotic toilet paper salesman.  He's never really walked it off, and our relationship has more or less died because of it.  I'm still close with his sisters, who stayed solid normal people, and while they have a good relationship with their brother, they'll readily concede that he's a totally different person than we grew up with, and not for the better.

I also have a couple of first cousins who are vegans.  My mom's brother moved to Jersey years ago (worked in NYC) and raised his kids in the suburbs there.  He and his wife have done really well for themselves, so their kids grew up spoiled, sheltered, and primed to get into loony ideas.  His oldest son in particular, has gotten very into the hippie thing.  He works doing trail maintenance in national parks, often living out of his car with his GF.  I know they're heavily financially supported by my uncle.  Last summer a lot of my mom's family got together in Maine, and apparently he's become so militantly vegan that he protested the rest of the family eating at a lobster restaurant, and when they went in, he and his girlfriend broke down in tears (publicly) about his family members eating animals.

I haven't seen him since my grandpa's funeral in 2016, but one of our other cousins is getting married in Des Moines this summer and I have a feeling Iowa will absolutely break him if he attends.

[Kennythetiger 9,464]

51 minutes ago, Al_4_ISU said:

I haven't seen him since my grandpa's funeral in 2016, but one of our other cousins is getting married in Des Moines this summer and I have a feeling Iowa will absolutely break him if he attends.

Why does it take a funeral, boy, to bring you back to town?  

[Al_4_ISU 12,486]

4 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

Why does it take a funeral, boy, to bring you back to town?  

Better question for his dad.  My uncle was 100% dead set on getting out of Iowa ASAP, and rarely came back to visit until my grandma passed in '11 and he knew the end was nearing for my grandpa.  My mom's family has a long history of being restless.  Every generation has moved on from where they grew up going back to Europe.  Much of my dad's family (myself somewhat included, at least for work) haven't left a 10 mile radius of the chunk of Mitchell County prairie my great-great grandfather first plowed up in 1894.

[HornsOverIthaca 2,335]

Has anyone made the “fell out of a German guard tower” joke yet?

[956 Worldwide 34,778]

Billie Sol Estes was a second cousin, once or twice removed. He showed up at a family reunion in the 1990s. My grandmother, a very straight and narrow church of Christ lady, always swore he was set up, as did many west Texas church of Christ ladies. My dad, who married into the family, told me it was all true and warned me about investing with church people.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billie_Sol_Estes

 

Edited May 2, 2022 by 956 Worldwide

[Royalfan5 2,355]

My moms side of the family is stacked with eccentrics, but the sequence of events that stands out is the the Christmas that one of my Uncles burned another of my Uncles house down on Christmas Eve. Uncle A had just returned to Nebraska after getting divorced in Ohio because he couldn’t stop drinking or gambling. (Also a Granada Vet, and somehow worked for Billy Sims at one point). Uncle B goes to Ohio to take Christmas presents and to cheer Uncle A’s kids up. Uncle A decides this means Uncle B is fucking his ex-wife, gets several gallons of diesel, sets Uncle B’s house on fire after stealing a couple hundred dollars in half dollars that Uncle B collected, and leaves a note at the door saying I did this. We run into Uncle A on the way over to Christmas Dinner and my mom and I talk Uncle A into turning himself in. (Which he did with 100+ half dollars in his pockets) 
 

In a series of epilogues to this event, Uncle A got away with violating his probation to go to a Nebraska Michigan State road game, quit gambling, had another kid? with ex wife after moving back to Ohio before keeling over from a brain hemorrhage, but by this point 5 years later he got along so well with Uncle B it was up to him to pull the plug. For the funeral his ex-wife Fedexed his ashes back to Nebraska, but they misplaced him so he didn’t make the funeral, so we just had the legion fire the salute in the Church parking lot, and went and drank lukewarm Coors Light at the farm while listening to the Husker fight song on repeat because that’s what he would of wanted 

[Kennythetiger 9,464]

Did the house burn down?

[Royalfan5 2,355]

5 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

Did the house burn down?

More gutted than down. Dug a hole in a cattle lot dumped the remains in later and set it on fire again, and had to scramble for cover when a bunch of aerosol deodorant cooked off. 

[huge 3,795]

13 hours ago, Royalfan5 said:

Dug a hole in a cattle lot dumped the remains in later and set it on fire again, and had to scramble for cover when a bunch of aerosol deodorant cooked off. 

I dont even...

[Helobious 9,464]

JFC at this thread. I’m pretty lucky that all my family is tolerable, even my cousin that has been to prison. Never met him because he ditched our family, but my paternal great-grandpa had over 20 kids with 3 different women. So my grandpa had at least 15 or so half-siblings he never knew. All right there in Tamaulipas.

Sometimes I think about all the kids those people must’ve had, how many kids their kids had, and how many probably ended up around here in Texas. I know the odds are low but it has led me to ask a discreet “so where’s your family from?” question on some dates. So I guess I’m submitting my great-grandpa for kind of ruining hot latinas in south texas for me.

[gernblansten 3,197]

5 hours ago, Helobious said:

JFC at this thread. I’m pretty lucky that all my family is tolerable, even my cousin that has been to prison. Never met him because he ditched our family, but my paternal great-grandpa had over 20 kids with 3 different women. So my grandpa had at least 15 or so half-siblings he never knew. All right there in Tamaulipas.

Sometimes I think about all the kids those people must’ve had, how many kids their kids had, and how many probably ended up around here in Texas. I know the odds are low but it has led me to ask a discreet “so where’s your family from?” question on some dates. So I guess I’m submitting my great-grandpa for kind of ruining hot latinas in south texas for me.

[SHOOTER12 8,829]

On 4/26/2022 at 5:42 PM, GhostOfTomJoad said:

Oh god does THIS jewel bring back memories. My dad's been married 3X so if he'd stayed with his 2nd wife (Kay, an alcoholic, philandering credit card fiend) her older brother, Glenn, would be in strong contention for this honor.

Glenn was a classic cheap, wannabe golf hustler from Minnesota. He was a 10 handicap who knew that he'd make the senior tour and cleanup if his wife, Sandy, would get a job so he could keep his membership at Stillwater CC and practice more often instead of working at his chosen profession which was a tire salesman. Oh yes, the income was just rolling in for a guy in '81 who barely graduated HS and whose only skill--besides getting drunk--was changing and selling tires. Check that. He had a 3rd skill: getting his 80 year old Auntie Eleanor drunk on rum and cokes then hitting her with sob stories about how he didn't know how he was going to get clothes for his 2 daughters or put food on the table until she'd start writing him checks.

In '82 Glenn decided MN wasn't living up to expectations so he packed his wife & daughters into the station wagon and headed to Clovis, CA where his parents had retired 5 years earlier. He was sure to sell more tires there AND the better weather would help him practice his golf game which was going to be his ticket to the good life. In reality he spent 12 months getting drunk and losing whatever money he could skim from his parents hustling at the munies. Here's where it gets good.

In November of '83, the Monday before Thanksgiving, Glenn calls his sister Kay to say "hey, we're gonna move back to MN. Can we spend a couple nights at your house until we get settled." Kay says, "sure. When do you think you'll be arriving?" Glenn says "well if we stay ahead of the snowstorm we'll be getting there tomorrow." I literally thought my dad's eyes were going to pop out of his head when he heard this.

Glenn and the fam showed up the next day in the middle of a blizzard. We unpacked the few things they had and the 4 of them took over my oldest sister's bedroom in the basement. Glenn promised he'd be pounding the pavement looking for a job as soon as the Thanksgiving holiday was over. So Glenn, Sandy and their 2 daughters (aged four and two) settled into the basement where he proceeded to do jack shit except pretend to look for work & get drunk. He had a great act of waking up as soon as the paper was delivered so he could be sitting at the breakfast table pretending to look through the want ads for jobs while my dad was getting ready for work. As soon as dad & Kay headed to the office he'd go back to bed. Around noon he'd head to the bars and come home drunk, always with a story about how he was at an interview and ran into an old friend who wanted to buy him a drink, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, Kay's got my dad's balls in her purse and checkbook in her hands. The two girls barely have any clothes and certainly no winter clothes which gives Kay an excuse to do what she loves most which is spend money. And of course they needed food, diapers, etc. My dad knew that there was about no chance Glenn was finding a job before the first of the year so as Xmas got closer & closer he kept watching his wife spend more & more on her two nieces.

Then it happened. We were all going over to Dave's, Glenn and Kay's baby brother, on Dec 23rd for an early family Xmas. My dad's fed up and on thin ice. Kay--who's spent a couple grand on her nieces already--tells my dad that he needs to give Glenn some money so he can buy gifts for his wife and daughters. While gnashing his teeth he gives Glenn (who initially tries the "oh, I can't take your money" routine for about 5 seconds) $250 cash. My 14 year old self watched my dad count out the money, hand it to him, and tell him to "do the right thing."

Glenn vanishes for the next 6 or 7 hours. We're all at Dave and his wife's house, eating a bland MN Xmas feast. Dave is consoling my dad because he knows what a useless asshole his older brother is. Glenn's wife is frantically calling friends to see if anyone knows his whereabouts. She's crying. The young girls are crying. Kay's drunk & yelling at my dad for not offering to take Glenn shopping.

Suddenly Glenn's station wagon is pulling up the driveway. He staggers out of the car and pulls a huge box out of the back. He comes in the house and slurs "Merrrah Chrisstmaass" and plops his loot on the floor. There were exactly 3 gifts: a bottle of cheap perfume for Sandy, and for his 2 daughters an Emerson stereo and a vinyl box set of Frank Sinatra's greatest hits. Dave asked his brother point blank "what the fuck were you thinking?" Glenn's reasoning was that it was never too early for the girls to learn to appreciate good music & that this would help them get into college down the road. Sandy--who was timid as a church mouse--walked up to Glenn, slapped him hard across the face and shouted "you're an asshole." My dad's head damn near exploded.

It was the greatest example of selfishness I think I've ever seen. I wonder if that fucker is still live or pickled in a cemetery somewhere.

Your last name is Griswold isn't it?  And that was really your cousin Eddie?

[pops 7,006]

Me

[Patricio Swayze 17,058]

Me

Goddamn it. I came here to say this. Let’s party.

[FloridaHorn 4,769]

And then there were two. Jerry, my mother passed away 3 years ago, and this week we lost Uncle Larry as well. Uncle Gary has obviously made a deal with the devil, and will live forever.

[Longboard Horn 40,521]

After reading through this thread I'll finally contribute. 

One of my cousin's was(and still is) a heroin addict. He dropped out of high school and has never had a job. However, if he has ever had a job, he hasn't been able to hold one down. To make it worse, his parents were enablers as they knew about his heroin problem, but never tried to get him help and just tolerated it since they were always doing stuff like bailing him out of jail multiple times and making sure to keep him from being homeless. One time they put down a deposit and paid rent for a furnished apartment for him. He ended up selling the furniture(except for the coffee table and his bed) to get money for meth and beer.

Another time they rented a mobile home for him and couldn’t figure out why the water bill was so high. Turns out he was charging his homeless friends as well as other homeless people around the trailer park $1 each to take a bath or shower and that was going on pretty much around the clock. He also stole some of my electronics and sports memorabilia and pawned them off for drug money. I haven't spoken to him or my aunt or uncle in over 10 years. He's either homeless or dead. 

[Longhornstampede 3,186]

2 hours ago, Longboard Horn said:

After reading through this thread I'll finally contribute. 

One of my cousin's was(and still is) a heroin addict. He dropped out of high school and has never had a job. However, if he has ever had a job, he hasn't been able to hold one down. To make it worse, his parents were enablers as they knew about his heroin problem, but never tried to get him help and just tolerated it since they were always doing stuff like bailing him out of jail multiple times and making sure to keep him from being homeless. One time they put down a deposit and paid rent for a furnished apartment for him. He ended up selling the furniture(except for the coffee table and his bed) to get money for meth and beer.

Another time they rented a mobile home for him and couldn’t figure out why the water bill was so high. Turns out he was charging his homeless friends as well as other homeless people around the trailer park $1 each to take a bath or shower and that was going on pretty much around the clock. He also stole some of my electronics and sports memorabilia and pawned them off for drug money. I haven't spoken to him or my aunt or uncle in over 10 years. He's either homeless or dead. 

 

[Samson's Wig 3,194]

After reading this thread it seems clear that this is not really a message board for Longhorn fans, crass retorts, and offensive/titillating photos.  This is a thinly disguised therapy group for people with terrible families.  

I don't have time for details so I'll bullet point a couple of highlights:

* scumbag uncle ran porn theaters in west texas in the 70s.  Was murdered and left in a cotton field in '77.

* one DFW area cousin (son of aforementioned uncle) in prison for most of adult life for drugs, theft, armed robbery, etc.

* other cousin from same uncle is schizophrenic, among other issues including opioid addiction, most likely triggered by exposure to chemical weapons in first gulf war

* Sister has borderline personality disorder along with a laundry list of other issues.  Would rather spend a holiday with my convict cousin.

* Another great uncle conned a bunch of people and left them in the lurch with his tractor dealership decades ago.  Think Bart Reagor but smarter.  Bled his mother (my great grandmother) dry of the wealth her husband (his father) left her, leaving the rest of us to care for her financially and otherwise in her waning years. He's old and somehow still alive and selling insurance (naturally).

* Another cousin's wife got busted fucking a student at the school she worked at.  He's still with her. 

 

That's just my mom's side of the family. Somehow, my folks turned out great so I lucked out there.

[Longboard Horn 40,521]

16 hours ago, Samson's Wig said:

* Another cousin's wife got busted fucking a student at the school she worked at.  He's still with her. 

You're cousin is a cuck. She definitely has his balls in her purse. 

[Samson's Wig 3,194]

3 hours ago, Longboard Horn said:

You're cousin is a cuck. She definitely has his balls in her purse. 

Yes without a doubt.

[Longboard Horn 40,521]

After showing my cousin this thread, he has given me permission to post about my dear uncle David. Now uncle David is not an alcoholic or a drug user, thank god. He is instead a man child who has to be monitored. Even though he makes good money, his wife keeps tabs on his spending and yes, he has an "allowance" on how much money he's allowed to spend. One example: we went to see the Rangers spring games against the Indians at the Alamo Dome back in 2017. Uncle David bought a shirt and hat. He told us, "if my wife asks, just show her the $25 receipt for the shirt and say the hat was included." This is mainly due to his past when he had a really bad gambling addiction that almost lost him his car and house. That's under control now. He hasn't set foot in a casino or gone to a bookie in over 15 years. However, every now and then we'll catch him buying lottery and other scratch off tickets. He always tells us, "don't tell my wife or she won't let me watch baseball." Yes you read that correctly. My aunt has a channel blocker on the tv and has blocked almost all of the channels uncle David likes to watch. If he's "bad" or "in trouble" she blocks the MLB Network and any baseball games. Another reason why the tv has a channel blocker and all the computers and tablets have child restrictions on them are all due to my aunt catching uncle David watching pay per view porn in the living room in the past. As my cousin tells me, they got home one afternoon, walked into the living room and caught David sitting on the couch with his pants down jacking it. When caught, his excuse was that he didn't think anyone would be home for a while. When we told my parents, my dad thought it was hysterical. My mother just shook her head and asked why he didn't go into the bathroom and watch porn on his laptop or phone like a normal person.   

Earlier when I mentioned that uncle David has to be monitored, it is due to the fact that he doesn't have a car, but it's not by choice. His wife or my cousin will drop him off and pick him up from work and he has to call and check in whenever he's ready to get off. I've asked my cousin that if his marriage is like this, why does he stay with his wife?(I call her that because this is his second wife, no blood relation to me or my cousin.) My cousin says that he probably doesn't leave because he has a good life financially with a good living situation. Think of Dale Gribble; wife who has a thriving career and makes good money(even though uncle David makes good money as well unlike Dale) and he has a nice home. That's why he won't leave. Wife is successful, but her 3 daughters are worthless. So needy and expect everyone else to take care of them and do things for them. But that's a story for another day.   

A few other shenanigan's he's pulled over the years: we went to the Alamo Bowl a few years ago and my cousin jokingly said, "guys night!" Uncle David responds with, "you know what? It IS guys night so we're gonna have fun! We're not gonna worry about shit except having fun!" Then he proceeds to take off his wedding ring and leave it in the glove box of the car. At the game he meets some ladies around his age and starts flirting with them. I looked the other way since it was none of my business. 

Back in high school, he tells my cousin and I that he wanted to go to a friends house to watch baseball and we were invited. When we arrive, a woman greets him and we discovered that he just needed a ride to his mistresses place for a booty call. While we watch tv he goes upstairs with her. A few hours later, he runs down the stairs and says, "okay guys let's go! She's asleep. We gotta sneak out now!" He lost contact with that woman when she moved back up north. 

I'll be back later with more uncle David stories.

[Wally Fairway 5,587]

checking back in with this thread, just to see if anyone in my family posted and mentioned me............yet