Cadillac can lick my hairy ball sack

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,872]

My 91 year old mom is in the hospital.  She has a 2017 Cadillac CTS that sits in her garage because she is not supposed to be driving, but she refused to get rid of it.  I think the last time it was started was about 9 months ago when I took it to change the oil.  My brother came in to help out while she is in the hospital and was going to use it rather than rent a car.  Of course, it wouldn't start because the battery is dead.  I went over there with jumper cables and my battery charger, but couldn't get it to jump.  I left it on slow charge all night, but that didn't work either.  I figured I would just put in a new battery and that would solve the problem.  Guess again.  Cadillac puts the battery in the trunk.  Guess what you can't open when the battery is dead.  There are only three ways to open the trunk.  The electronic button on the dash, the electronic button on the key fob, and the emergency trunk release lever that's inside the trunk.  Not about to be outsmarted by the man, I managed to talk my daughter into crawling into the trunk through the pass-through behind the back seat.  She manages to find the emergency release lever and pop the trunk open.  Viola, I have defeated the man.  Not so fast my friend.  I located the battery access door only to find that the opening is about 1/3 the size of the battery.  I can admire the battery, but actually performing any service through that access hole is impossible.  It now appears that in order to change the battery I have to remove the molding and carpeting from the bottom and one side of the trunk.  At this point I have just surrendered to the man.

[tx ind 7,006]

Same story as any modern car, difficult to change headlight bulbs, batteries, air filters, etc.

[SKJ 1,311]

1) get a six pack of beer

2) get you one of them Sawzall's

3) change battery

4) drink beer

 

[Guest]

 the sawzall's are out-of-stock because of the catalytic converter bandits.

[elfenix 34,223]

use jumper cables to wire the new battery in at the front of the car, hit trunk release, wala. 

[Wiler77 1,566]

You weren't kidding. Did a Google search, and laughed through all of section 2, which shows how to get at the battery

Cadillac sucks

 

hope this helps if you haven't figured it out yet

[Pato del Muerto 52,485]

Your charger couldn’t give it enough energy while connected to power the trunk latch button?

also, changed a headlight bulb in our old Acadia and it wasn’t tough but you have to remove the wheel well moulding and reach in and do all of the work blind. 

Edited July 24, 2022 by Pato del Muerto

[Grade of D as in David 13,253]

Did you try hooking it up to the clock tower during a storm?

 

[Gil Bang 25,909]

for the record, it's been my experience that hairy ball sacks don't end up in the mouth of some nice woman as frequently as smooth, silky ball sacks. 

I've had both.  The latter works better. 

[Hmbre97 6,305]

Should be some terminals under the hood to hook up your charger or jump box. That's how it's set up on my G8. Wouldn't think GM would have went away from doing it that way. A shitload of cars have the battery in the trunk now.

[nnm 36,347]

13 minutes ago, Gil Bang said:

for the record, it's been my experience that hairy ball sacks don't end up in the mouth of some nice woman as frequently as smooth, silky ball sacks. 

I've had both.  The latter works better. 

Did the hair stick in your teeth?

[Gil Bang 25,909]

8 minutes ago, Hmbre97 said:

Should be some terminals under the hood to hook up your charger or jump box. That's how it's set up on my G8. Wouldn't think GM would have went away from doing it that way. A shitload of cars have the battery in the trunk now.

since OP left the trickle charger on all night, I'm guessing he found those terminals. 

[Gil Bang 25,909]

On a related note, my MB eats batteries like crazy. They're good for about 2 years max.  

[Crapinon 2,253]

1 hour ago, Wiler77 said:

You weren't kidding. Did a Google search, and laughed through all of section 2, which shows how to get at the battery

Cadillac sucks

 

hope this helps if you haven't figured it out yet

In the mid 70's, Chevrolet made a V8 Monza that required you to loosen the motor mounts and lift the engine to change the back spark plug. And one of Dodge's big luxury cars required removing the front wheel and all the wheel well covings to get to a front spark plug from underneath the card.

[Pescado_Rojo 19,413]

4 minutes ago, Crapinon said:

In the mid 70's, Chevrolet made a V8 Monza that required you to loosen the motor mounts and lift the engine to change the back spark plug. And one of Dodge's big luxury cars required removing the front wheel and all the wheel well covings to get to a front spark plug from underneath the card.

Ford says "Hold my beer"

[After irth 1,243]

6 hours ago, tx ind said:

Same story as any modern car, difficult to change headlight bulbs, batteries, air filters, etc.

…blinker fluid…

[shakahorn 1,645]

3 hours ago, Crapinon said:

In the mid 70's, Chevrolet made a V8 Monza that required you to loosen the motor mounts and lift the engine to change the back spark plug. And one of Dodge's big luxury cars required removing the front wheel and all the wheel well covings to get to a front spark plug from underneath the card.

Well truth be told, if you ever got to the point where you needed to change a spark plug in that rig, it was time to get rid of the whole car.

[Jimbaround 975]

On a related note, my MB eats batteries like crazy. They're good for about 2 years max.  

Look at it this way; they not last long but at least they’re expensive.

[Sam Lin 3,550]

Why the fuck does MB require an "auxiliary" lead-acid battery in many cars? And why is it in a location much less servicable than the primary battery, despite having the same shitty lifespan? What engineering superiority causes this?

[52-80 19,147]

5 hours ago, Sam Lin said:

What engineering superiority causes this?

I can answer that

[DigglerontheHoof 21,176]

11 hours ago, Crapinon said:

In the mid 70's, Chevrolet made a V8 Monza that required you to loosen the motor mounts and lift the engine to change the back spark plug. And one of Dodge's big luxury cars required removing the front wheel and all the wheel well covings to get to a front spark plug from underneath the card.

 

[Nole-4-Life 802]

My neighbor has an older caddy. She asked me to jump her off once, so I popped the hood. No battery. She informed me the battery was underneath the back seat. Pulled out the back seat, but it wouldn't fire...needed a new battery. But what a pain to access.

[TwiceHorn 31,438]

21 minutes ago, Nole-4-Life said:

My neighbor has an older caddy. She asked me to jump her off once, so I popped the hood. No battery. She informed me the battery was underneath the back seat. Pulled out the back seat, but it wouldn't fire...needed a new battery. But what a pain to access.

Batteries have been under back seats in cars for 20 some-odd years.  I'm on my fourth rear battery going back to 94.  Three 'muricans and one ricer.  Two have been Caddies, though.

First, they started putting it back there for weight distribution in performance-y cars, and the space under-hood has been diminishing for years and years.  Then it was the trunk in a relatively easy to access compartment, at some cost of trunk space.  Then, to keep trunk space, they started moving it into the "space frame" and here we are.

But, all of my cars with batteries to the rear have had jump terminals under the hood.  However, I don't believe most of those jump terminals allow you to "give" a jump, only to "take" one.

A truck is about the only thing that still has a battery up front.

Edited July 25, 2022 by TwiceHorn

[nnm 36,347]

15 minutes ago, Nole-4-Life said:

My neighbor has an older caddy. She asked me to jump her off once, so I popped the hood. No battery. She informed me the battery was underneath the back seat. Pulled out the back seat, but it wouldn't fire...needed a new battery. But what a pain to access.

Interesting car talk. Now tell us a little more about jumping off the neighbor ….

[Pato del Muerto 52,485]

Oh and the battery on that Acadia was under the floor of the passenger side back seat. Easy to get though. 

[mininghorn88 2,277]

40 minutes ago, TwiceHorn said:

Batteries have been under back seats in cars for 20 some-odd years.  I'm on my fourth rear battery going back to 94.  Three 'muricans and one ricer.  Two have been Caddies, though.

First, they started putting it back there for weight distribution in performance-y cars, and the space under-hood has been diminishing for years and years.  Then it was the trunk in a relatively easy to access compartment, at some cost of trunk space.  Then, to keep trunk space, they started moving it into the "space frame" and here we are.

But, all of my cars with batteries to the rear have had jump terminals under the hood.  However, I don't believe most of those jump terminals allow you to "give" a jump, only to "take" one.

A truck is about the only thing that still has a battery up front.

Just another reason to only drive a truck.

[Nole-4-Life 802]

1 hour ago, TwiceHorn said:

Batteries have been under back seats in cars for 20 some-odd years.  I'm on my fourth rear battery going back to 94.  Three 'muricans and one ricer.  Two have been Caddies, though.

First, they started putting it back there for weight distribution in performance-y cars, and the space under-hood has been diminishing for years and years.  Then it was the trunk in a relatively easy to access compartment, at some cost of trunk space.  Then, to keep trunk space, they started moving it into the "space frame" and here we are.

But, all of my cars with batteries to the rear have had jump terminals under the hood.  However, I don't believe most of those jump terminals allow you to "give" a jump, only to "take" one.

A truck is about the only thing that still has a battery up front.

I have a 2019 Lincoln MkC and the battery is under the hood.

I had never seen one under the back seat.

1 hour ago, nnm said:

Interesting car talk. Now tell us a little more about jumping off the neighbor ….

She's in her 70s. Not my kink....

[Underdog 28,549]

10 hours ago, After irth said:

…blinker fluid…

That reminds me I’m low and need to stock up. 

[DigglerontheHoof 21,176]

5 minutes ago, Underdog said:

That reminds me I’m low and need to stock up. 

be sure and get synthetic.  you can go longer between changes

[Gil Bang 25,909]

my old E34 BMW had the battery under the back seat.  Makes a lot of sense, IMO.  The battery will last longer away from the heat of the engine compartment.

[TwiceHorn 31,438]

10 minutes ago, Gil Bang said:

my old E34 BMW had the battery under the back seat.  Makes a lot of sense, IMO.  The battery will last longer away from the heat of the engine compartment.

Yep.  But the idea of a battery out gassing, or catching fire in the passenger compartment always gave me a bit of the willies. 

[Nivek 16,918]

I can answer that

MB has been doing dumbshit like most car companies for a long time.

[shakahorn 1,645]

3 hours ago, TwiceHorn said:

...

But, all of my cars with batteries to the rear have had jump terminals under the hood.  However, I don't believe most of those jump terminals allow you to "give" a jump, only to "take" one.

...

There's a NowThis joke in there somewhere, just can't quite nail it.

[tigol 2,395]

There's a NowThis joke in there somewhere, just can't quite nail it.

You mean can’t quite peg it, right?

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,872]

Cadillac can still lick my hairy ball sack, but kudos to the dealership.  I called the dealership that she bought it from and they are sending out their roadside assistance truck to try and jump it for no charge.  If they can't jump it, they will replace the battery on site for only the (greatly inflated I'm sure) cost of the battery.

[SHOOTER12 8,800]

Wholly crap.  Cadillac sucks for many reasons. I bought Mrs. Shooter a brand new Eldorado in 1999.  $68000 worth shit pile. First thing I noticed was it would use a quart of oil every 1000 miles.  Back and forth to the dealer over and over and over.  Finally got touch with the plant in Michigan.   They said they would research the problem and to please be patient.

Three weeks later, I get a letter from them stating that IT'S PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE AND NORMAL FOR THAT ENGINE. 

YES, FUCK CADILLAC. 

[SA-KC_Horn 1,295]

My 13 XTS is great. Battery located in the engine bay.

To the OP, do the back seats fold down? My 2013 does. I suspect that is the best way to access the trunk.

 

[fattyflattie 4,639]

3 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

If they can't jump it, they will replace the battery on site for only the (greatly inflated I'm sure) cost of the battery.

Replaced wife's recently and with all the fancy bus bars and shit on it, decided to just go back with a stocker.  It *wasn't bad at all, to my surprise.   Under the hood, but was still a fucking maze to get all that shit off and out.  

*I buy lots of high end batteries for other toys, so ymmv on "wasn't bad at all".  

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,872]

Service came out and laughed when I told him the car hadn't been started in 11 months.  He said "Yeah, that battery is toast", but he checked it anyway.  Took him all of 20 minutes to remove all the shit from the trunk, pop the new battery in, and replace all the shit in the trunk.  He said he does this 3 or 4 times a day so he gets lots of practice.  Well worth $324.

[Deej 76,754]

5 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Well worth $324

Did you tip him $26 to make it an even tree fiddy?

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,872]

Tipped him $26.50 for tree fiddy fiddy

[Bevo&Pevo 5,120]

Cadillac Unveils Its New All-Electric Luxury Sedan, the Celestiq (msn.com)

 

Get ya' one of these.  Then change the battery.  LOL.

[immamac 42,835]

40 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Tipped him $26.50 for tree fiddy fiddy

Hell yeah haha. 

[ClubWhatever 12,120]

NeverMarryAStripperOrBuyACadillac

[Deej 76,754]

NeverMarryAStripperAndBuyHerACadillac

[Superhero 8,827]

On 7/24/2022 at 1:51 PM, NeverMarryAStripper said:

My 91 year old mom is in the hospital.  She has a 2017 Cadillac CTS that sits in her garage because she is not supposed to be driving, but she refused to get rid of it.  I think the last time it was started was about 9 months ago when I took it to change the oil.  My brother came in to help out while she is in the hospital and was going to use it rather than rent a car.  Of course, it wouldn't start because the battery is dead.  I went over there with jumper cables and my battery charger, but couldn't get it to jump.  I left it on slow charge all night, but that didn't work either.  I figured I would just put in a new battery and that would solve the problem.  Guess again.  Cadillac puts the battery in the trunk.  Guess what you can't open when the battery is dead.  There are only three ways to open the trunk.  The electronic button on the dash, the electronic button on the key fob, and the emergency trunk release lever that's inside the trunk.  Not about to be outsmarted by the man, I managed to talk my daughter into crawling into the trunk through the pass-through behind the back seat.  She manages to find the emergency release lever and pop the trunk open.  Viola, I have defeated the man.  Not so fast my friend.  I located the battery access door only to find that the opening is about 1/3 the size of the battery.  I can admire the battery, but actually performing any service through that access hole is impossible.  It now appears that in order to change the battery I have to remove the molding and carpeting from the bottom and one side of the trunk.  At this point I have just surrendered to the man.

I had a company Ford Fusion with the same retarded electrical design. Once the battery was dead, I couldn't pop open trunk. I sat in a Trader Joe's parking lot waiting for AAA to show up so I could get the car started. Once I got home, the battery died immediately, and I waited another 45 minutes to get my groceries out of the trunk. I finally got the battery changed on Monday morning.

 

On 7/24/2022 at 4:16 PM, Gil Bang said:

On a related note, my MB eats batteries like crazy. They're good for about 2 years max.  

So the AAA guy who jumped my car 3 times (always the same guy) said Fords also goes through batteries pretty quickly, with most dying at around 2 years. According to him, there are a lot of computers and gizmos and twirly boppers or whatever the hell is in the car that draws electricity. 

[RPM 26,316]

10 hours ago, SHOOTER12 said:

Wholly crap.  Cadillac sucks for many reasons. I bought Mrs. Shooter a brand new Eldorado in 1999.  $68000 worth shit pile. First thing I noticed was it would use a quart of oil every 1000 miles.  Back and forth to the dealer over and over and over.  Finally got touch with the plant in Michigan.   They said they would research the problem and to please be patient.

Three weeks later, I get a letter from them stating that IT'S PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE AND NORMAL FOR THAT ENGINE. 

YES, FUCK CADILLAC. 

I bought an '07 CTS. Only work done was replace the timing chain at 100k. It has burned a quart every 2000 miles since the day I bought it. No drips, no seeps, it just consumes it. 

[Elvis 3,371]

Porsche says hi on the frunk battery locking lid BS.   

[jeevsie 3,733]

[thunderlounge 7,813]

On 7/25/2022 at 9:01 AM, TwiceHorn said:

Yep.  But the idea of a battery out gassing, or catching fire in the passenger compartment always gave me a bit of the willies. 

Don’t worry, it’s ventilated for your pleasure. Or protection. Or maybe that was ribbed. Eh, whatever.