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Bachelor/Bachelorette/Paradise Catch-All

C-Man

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Beau Vine
Beau Vine

Sorry about your cataracts.

C-Man
C-Man

Keeping Victoria around after that has to rank as one of the dumbest decisions ever made in this “universe” — and that’s saying something. Blondie definitely has to feel especially bad losing to that

henrygandorf
henrygandorf

network exec 1 - what are our two biggest shows? network exec 2 - bachelor and american idol, why? network exec 1 - i have a really shitty idea.  call me later. 

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Chuckie Finster

Chuckie Finster 22583

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Walked in and the wife was watching that show (called "Dating Around") and ended up watching 2 or 3 episodes with her.  Compared to the manufactured drama and dates of the Bachelor, I was surprised at how "real" this felt.  It also made me happy that I no longer have to deal with most of the bullshit of dating.

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ajax

ajax 2586

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I would never watch that show without the two people roasting it.

Someone needs to do the same thing with the Bachelor and roast the shit out of them. There's so much unmined territory, what with Colton's teenage girl act, Hannah's horrific white girl rapping, and Tayshia going "Oh! That almond tastes really nutty!"

Really Tayshia? You too?

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JimmyHoffa

JimmyHoffa 1188

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55 minutes ago, Chuckie Finster said:

Walked in and the wife was watching that show (called "Dating Around") and ended up watching 2 or 3 episodes with her.  Compared to the manufactured drama and dates of the Bachelor, I was surprised at how "real" this felt.  It also made me happy that I no longer have to deal with most of the bullshit of dating.

 

Temptation Island on USA Network. It's a reboot from like 10 years ago but way better than the Bachelor BS. Plus you get to see real couples watch each other cheat on one another. Comedy follows.  

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 53964

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1 hour ago, ajax said:

Colton you dumbass...."Hannah, I'm dumping you. I love Cassie. I feel so bad. This is so hard for me. Please comfort me."

I hate this guy.

He has just pretty clearly never been around women enough to even have a basic understanding of them.  

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henrygandorf

henrygandorf 29174

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22 minutes ago, ajax said:

Last night's episode had more filler than Caelynn's face.

When Colton went up to hug that producer, I really wanted him to jump up and wrap his legs around her. Seemed to be a theme this season. 

the bachelor run up and jump and leg wrap-around move?  that's been a staple for years.

last night was fucking brutal, and involved a lot of fast-forwarding.  colton went through 3 break-ups in 24 hours (i think).

he told hannah and tayshia that he couldn't be with them, because he loved cassie.  he neglected to tell them that cassie dumped him the night before.  that's information i would like to have i think, if i was them.  but it's a tv show.

i thought they were just slow-playing everything, spreading it out, letting each dump-ee have time with colton, once again, looking for answers.  this season, finally, there actually was a clear answer - i'm in love with someone else.  but then they brought out four dudes who literally have zero to do with this season to yammer on for 20 minutes.  definitely could've been a one-nighter.  i can only assume tonight is the finale + after the final rose or whatever.  obviously we'll find out what folks have been predicting for weeks now - colton is with cassie, but they're just dating and taking it slow, not engaged.  no duh.

also it looks like hannah g got lip injections or something to make her facial features look proportioned.  get it gurl.

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ajax

ajax 2586

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6 months tops before Cassie dumps Colton for greener pastures. She's got her eyes on bigger things, like maybe hosting Inside Edition.

Hannah B as Bachelorette is going to be such a delicious trainwreck. Her second try at doing a toast was about as successful as a spelling bee champion trying her hand at poetry slam.

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Mac8111

Mac8111 2103

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Last night's episode had more filler than Caelynn's face.
When Colton went up to hug that producer, I really wanted him to jump up and wrap his legs around her. Seemed to be a theme this season. 


When the producer hugged him, I told the wife that he was going to call her dad and ask permission to get engaged.
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C-Man

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4 hours ago, henrygandorf said:

the bachelor run up and jump and leg wrap-around move?  that's been a staple for years.

last night was fucking brutal, and involved a lot of fast-forwarding.  colton went through 3 break-ups in 24 hours (i think).

he told hannah and tayshia that he couldn't be with them, because he loved cassie.  he neglected to tell them that cassie dumped him the night before.  that's information i would like to have i think, if i was them.  but it's a tv show.

i thought they were just slow-playing everything, spreading it out, letting each dump-ee have time with colton, once again, looking for answers.  this season, finally, there actually was a clear answer - i'm in love with someone else.  but then they brought out four dudes who literally have zero to do with this season to yammer on for 20 minutes.  definitely could've been a one-nighter.  i can only assume tonight is the finale + after the final rose or whatever.  obviously we'll find out what folks have been predicting for weeks now - colton is with cassie, but they're just dating and taking it slow, not engaged.  no duh.

also it looks like hannah g got lip injections or something to make her facial features look proportioned.  get it gurl.

Last night was pretty fucking boring. Was Chris Harrison contractually obligated to say the word "virgin" about a hundred times last night or what? For fuck's sake, man.

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8 minutes ago, C-Man said:

Last night was pretty fucking boring. Was Chris Harrison contractually obligated to say the word "virgin" about a hundred times last night or what? For fuck's sake, man.

Producers: We cant find Colton anywhere. We have to make sure he wasn't attacked by wild dogs.

Chris Harrison: Do you think the dogs would take his virginity?

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JimmyHoffa

JimmyHoffa 1188

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19 minutes ago, ajax said:

Producers: We cant find Colton anywhere. (except the camera crew in front of him and the crew behind him following him) We have to make sure he wasn't attacked by wild dogs.

Chris Harrison: Do you think the dogs would take his virginity?

Fixed it. 

I also love the surprised look when he shows up at someone's door except you know they are already mic'd up in the room and a camera crew is in there along with a sound guy, lighting guy, and 3 producers. 

Anybody that doesn't laugh their ass off watching this show at the amount of BS they try and pass off as "real" is comical. People are so fucking stupid.

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henrygandorf

henrygandorf 29174

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another thing i noticed from last night - i can't remember who colton said it to, but i think to chris harrison - he mentioned something like, "yeah, cassie's issue is that i'm still considering two other women, and she's not comfortable with that."  ok.  that's not at all how i remember it going down.  cassie just didn't seem ready period, and didn't seem like she wanted to be with him.  and no fucking shit there are two other girls, that's the format of the show at this point in the schedule.

so here what i'm assuming is going to happen tonight - colton is going to pursue cassie (obviously) and his big gesture is that he broke stuff off with the other two (which, according to him, is her hangup) and then she'll agree to give it a go, even though it's not what she said when she dumped him.

i think that's the narrative they're pushing, because they'll figure we'll forget what cassie actually said to him (and how she and caelynn acted in front of other chicks on the show).

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C-Man

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29 minutes ago, henrygandorf said:

another thing i noticed from last night - i can't remember who colton said it to, but i think to chris harrison - he mentioned something like, "yeah, cassie's issue is that i'm still considering two other women, and she's not comfortable with that."  ok.  that's not at all how i remember it going down.  cassie just didn't seem ready period, and didn't seem like she wanted to be with him.  and no fucking shit there are two other girls, that's the format of the show at this point in the schedule.

so here what i'm assuming is going to happen tonight - colton is going to pursue cassie (obviously) and his big gesture is that he broke stuff off with the other two (which, according to him, is her hangup) and then she'll agree to give it a go, even though it's not what she said when she dumped him.

i think that's the narrative they're pushing, because they'll figure we'll forget what cassie actually said to him (and how she and caelynn acted in front of other chicks on the show).

My wife said that exact same thing. Pretty sure that was *what* Cassie's dad said, not Cassie.

Colton might date Cassie long enough to get laid but there's no way in hell they wind up together for the long haul. She'll kick his ass to the curb at some point. It might be worth it -- I wouldn't mind fucking Cassie several dozen times.

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henrygandorf

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5 minutes ago, spystud13 said:

How much sex does a Bachelor/ette typically have in a season before the fantasy suites? 

in theory, none at all.  even fantasy suites end up less eventful (publicly) than you'd think.  i don't have a great memory of them, but i think several have gone like tayshia's went - even for non-virgins.

that said, i've never seen what happened to hannah g.  just hey, instead of the date you've been waiting for since the first impression rose/shower near-sex experience, we're gonna have colton come and dump you.  has anyone ever not had a date like that?  i figured they would at least go through the motions.

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C-Man

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That was next level bad tonight — from Harrison saying the word “virgin” four times in the first 12 minutes to the awkward meeting with Colton’s family to the shoe-horning of Chris’s appearance on another ABC show to the round table of four former contestants — and a return of Jason and Ben — to the fucking geriatric Air Supply (more like Oxygen Tank amirite) to the announcement of Hannah B as the next Bachelorette (she’s turrible on live TV to the aggy dipshit embarrassing hisself en route to an awkward rose to the final realization that we have to sit thru the whole Bachelorette to get to BiP! Dammit

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Chuckie Finster

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6 hours ago, Vito Andolini said:

The only time it’s ever happened is when floppy haired wine maker Ben Flajnik put his cork inside bad girl Courtney while skinny dipping in the ocean. 

Yes, she won. 

Pretty sure Juan Pablo and Kaitlyn both closed the deal early with their eventual second place finishers.  Must not have been that good.

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T’Boo Ted Marshall

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My wife said that exact same thing. Pretty sure that was *what* Cassie's dad said, not Cassie.
Colton might date Cassie long enough to get laid but there's no way in hell they wind up together for the long haul. She'll kick his ass to the curb at some point. It might be worth it -- I wouldn't mind fucking Cassie several dozen times.

It seemed stranger her drastic change of heart. It’s almost like it was scripted.
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ajax

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I went back and fast forwarded through the first episode because it seems like they tipped it off that it was going to be Cassie all along, and they did. She got the first, most lengthy intro profile and the music they played when Cassie got out of the limo was definitely different than all the other women.

Also I caught of glimpsed of crazy Ashley in the premiere. The guy that she snagged, Jared I think his name is, was very smooth on camera. He's got future tv host written all over him. He might be gunning for Chris Harrison's job once he retires.

And it looks like Onyeka has wedged herself into Paradise. I don't know how that show works but I have to think the guys will be parting like the red sea when she walks through.

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henrygandorf

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well he definitely didn't have sex in the fantasy suite.  whether he's had sex in the 3 months since (with a woman) is anyone's guess.  the whole timeline/deadline on "i hope cassie loves me by the end of tomorrow night's date" was horribad.

near the beginning of last night's show, harrison said something like, "in an unexpected twist that nobody saw coming, colton decides to go after cassie."

um, i'm sorry, what?  she was the only girl left and he dumped everyone else to be with her.  oh, and also there were 2 hours of tv left.  an "unexpected twist" would be if he went after the redhead, or caelynn, or the boom mic guy with the beard.  what happened last night was literally the only likely scenario.  they should've done it like they used to - 2 hour finale + 1 hour after the final rose (and at the end announce new bachelorette).  this whole thing they started a few years ago with introducing the 5 dudes is idiotic.

although i cannot be the only one who was like, "no no no austin guy, don't do a rap, noooooooooo, oh wait, you're aggy?  cool, proceed, hombre."

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C-Man

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21 minutes ago, henrygandorf said:

well he definitely didn't have sex in the fantasy suite.  whether he's had sex in the 3 months since (with a woman) is anyone's guess.  the whole timeline/deadline on "i hope cassie loves me by the end of tomorrow night's date" was horribad.

near the beginning of last night's show, harrison said something like, "in an unexpected twist that nobody saw coming, colton decides to go after cassie."

um, i'm sorry, what?  she was the only girl left and he dumped everyone else to be with her.  oh, and also there were 2 hours of tv left.  an "unexpected twist" would be if he went after the redhead, or caelynn, or the boom mic guy with the beard.  what happened last night was literally the only likely scenario.  they should've done it like they used to - 2 hour finale + 1 hour after the final rose (and at the end announce new bachelorette).  this whole thing they started a few years ago with introducing the 5 dudes is idiotic.

although i cannot be the only one who was like, "no no no austin guy, don't do a rap, noooooooooo, oh wait, you're aggy?  cool, proceed, hombre."

Upon seeing Hannah B's performance on live TV last night, I wonder if producers were all:

imgur>

tenor.gif

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