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Bachelor/Bachelorette/Paradise Catch-All

C-Man

By C-Man
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Beau Vine
Beau Vine

Sorry about your cataracts.

C-Man
C-Man

Keeping Victoria around after that has to rank as one of the dumbest decisions ever made in this “universe” — and that’s saying something. Blondie definitely has to feel especially bad losing to that

henrygandorf
henrygandorf

network exec 1 - what are our two biggest shows? network exec 2 - bachelor and american idol, why? network exec 1 - i have a really shitty idea.  call me later. 

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ajax

ajax 2609

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Just watched it. Some random thoughts...

We knew Demi was going home. Someone needs to show her how to fake cry because she sucks at it.

It was funny when Cassie was sitting next to runner-up Miss USA pageant girl and the pageant girl looked like chopped liver. Cassie is so fucking gorgeous and she outclassed Caeilin or however the hell you spell her name.

Holy shit, there was a girl named Katie. Who knew. Well she beat the snot out of our Demi and she's smaller than Demi.

If you really want to die of alcohol poisoning, take a drink every time Colton says "greatest fear."

I don't care if Hannah G is beautiful, she's boring as shit. She's like a block of wood, but then again so is Colton. But if I were him, I'd send her home.

I got a kick out of Demi explaining prison currency to Colton.

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ajax

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1 hour ago, henrygandorf said:

her crying skills need work, but her laugh is really unfortunate.

Her boxing skills could use some work too. Demi looked absolutely adorable throwing those fake punches at the camera but then proceeded to get plastered by Katie.

As for my power rankings, I have to take into consideration the fact that Colton is a robot. Dude talks like he's reading off of cue cards. He's only going to pick the most boring girls.

1) Cassie - not as boring as Hannah G but prettier

2) Hannah G - zzzzzz

3) Tayshia - zzzz with a tan

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 54211

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If I were Colton, I would show up at the house at 6am, while everyone's sleeping and announce "1-on-1 date to the first girl ready to go" and watch the chaos and the carnage of them trying to get ready.  And see what you're really getting.

Completely agree with ajax's ratings.  There is literally nothing you can say about Hannah G other than "she's really fucking pretty."

Biggest revelation of this last episode to me -- Kirpa is fucking hawt.  She's still boring, though.  

I actually kind of felt bad for Demi.

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Go Pokes

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1 hour ago, Beau Vine said:

If I were Colton, I would show up at the house at 6am, while everyone's sleeping and announce "1-on-1 date to the first girl ready to go" and watch the chaos and the carnage of them trying to get ready.  And see what you're really getting.

Completely agree with ajax's ratings.  There is literally nothing you can say about Hannah G other than "she's really fucking pretty."

Biggest revelation of this last episode to me -- Kirpa is fucking hawt.  She's still boring, though.  

I actually kind of felt bad for Demi.

yeah I've always thought she looked pretty yummy.  I like my ladies with a little pigment though, so those blondes aren't very high on my list.  

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34 minutes ago, spystud13 said:

HannahBama would be screwed in that scenario with her forehead issues. 

Hannahbanana has completely turned it around and is now one of my favorite, vesuvius on her forehead and all. She's got way too much personality for Colton.

Did anyone else catch when Colton and Hannah G bonded over their love of taking showers? Riveting.

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 54211

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36 minutes ago, spystud13 said:

HannahBama would be screwed in that scenario with her forehead issues. 

It's not like spending several hours has helped that.  I will say that it doesn't bother me and I still think she looks good without makeup.  Her problem is that she's batshit crazy. Girls who bust out in huge smiles when they don't know what to say should be avoided at all costs.  

#teamcassie

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So question about The Bachelor. They keep describing Demi as "the villain" but all the other girls love the shit out of Demi (except for a couple but they were horrible people) and she's a fan favorite. 

Doesn't sound like much of a villain. That's not typical of this show, is it? Were other "villains" as well liked as Demi.

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C-Man

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1 hour ago, Beau Vine said:

It's not like spending several hours has helped that.  I will say that it doesn't bother me and I still think she looks good without makeup.  Her problem is that she's batshit crazy. Girls who bust out in huge smiles when they don't know what to say should be avoided at all costs.  

#teamcassie

This!

13 minutes ago, ajax said:

So question about The Bachelor. They keep describing Demi as "the villain" but all the other girls love the shit out of Demi (except for a couple but they were horrible people) and she's a fan favorite. 

Doesn't sound like much of a villain. That's not typical of this show, is it? Were other "villains" as well liked as Demi.

They positioned her for the villain role early and she played the part. Usually, by this point (or sooner) there's a pretty clear-cut person who the rest of the house can't stand. I don't think there is one this go-round, which is probably why there hasn't been a 2-on-1 date. I don't think we'll get one now with just seven girls left.

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Go Pokes

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Yeah the villains usually earn the title. They’re just fucking terrible people who you can’t wait to see them get booted off just to see the look on their face when they get a dose of reality. And then when they’re gone, the show becomes boring as shit and I start to check out. I’m like Henry G in that the only reason to watch this is as prep for BIP.

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henrygandorf

henrygandorf 29189

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yeah, typically the villain is someone who establishes it early on, and the producers play into it, and it's obvious.  it's someone who keeps getting a rose even though every viewer is mad and saying wtf at home.  then the 2-1 date happens, and they get what's coming to them, get left on an island or in the jungle or some such.  but that would've been a couple episodes ago so it looks like they're not doing it.

colton kinda dismissed all the troublemakers who would've qualified as the villain.  i don't read anything online about this show, but demi hasn't really been a villain since pretty early on i wouldn't say.

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HouTex

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21 hours ago, ajax said:

Hannahbanana has completely turned it around and is now one of my favorite, vesuvius on her forehead and all. She's got way too much personality for Colton.

Did anyone else catch when Colton and Hannah G bonded over their love of taking showers? Riveting.

The shower/bathroom scene with Colton and Hannah G convinced me that if they didn't actually have sex immediately afterward, then Colton is not a heterosexual.  NTTAWWT.

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riloh05

riloh05 107

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6 hours ago, Lat22 said:

I finally got around to watching last weeks episode. I have no doubt in my mind that Colton has the ghey.  NTTAWWT. 

was coming to post this...maybe they should have thrown a couple of dudes in the first 25. that would make this season entertaining. NTTAWWT.

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24 minutes ago, riloh05 said:

was coming to post this...maybe they should have thrown a couple of dudes in the first 25. that would make this season entertaining. NTTAWWT.

Gay or not he seems soft as shit, especially for a football player.

But I think the real issue is he really only likes Cassie. It's like he's going through the motions with everyone else.

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Go Pokes

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I came to the conclusion last night that my two favorites are Kirpa and Tayshia.  I also came to the conclusion that they are both causing a lot of shit without any real evidence to back it up.  Am I wrong or was their entire arguement "Katie heard it and she wouldn't lie"?  No chance Katie missed the context of the conversation she overheard?   So I think my two favorite girls might just be kind of awful people.  God, please let them both show up to BIP.  They're both hot and like to start shit.  How can they not get an invite to Paradise?

 

 

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spystud13

spystud13 2371

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This is from a recap I read, sure the whole episode is on abc.com now. 

Quote

That’s when things get weird. As Kirpa is sitting down for her one-on-one chat/make-out sesh with Colton, who should come clomping up the steps but… Caelynn! She is not about to let Tayshia’s “lies” — via Kirpa — send Cassie home, so she corners Colton while he’s alone upstairs. “This is all lies and it’s all bulls—, and I’m sick of girls tearing other girls down,” she says. “I would hate for you to send someone home that you have a connection with and then look back and have regrets.” Having said her piece, Caelynn backs out through the dining room — without saying a word to Cassie and Kirpa, who are sitting right there — and heads back into the night. Did this last-minute Hail Mary save Cassie from the Reject SUV? Survey says…

 

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C-Man

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Is Colton retarded? Or is he only thinking with his dick. Maybe he's not gay.
I said all along that he only likes Cassie but it's pretty clear she doesn't like him as much.


Hannah G got the first impression rose. My money is on her to win this. Seems like first impression roses given by Bachelorettes often wind up the last man standing. Colton is kind of a girl in this whole deal.

Anybody else notice the total lack of tears when Cassie was crying? Not saying Kirpa or Tayshia have any proof but they might be more right than wrong regarding Caelynn and Cassie.
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C-Man

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On 2/12/2019 at 2:33 PM, C-Man said:

You're better at this than I but I leaving this way as far as the Final 4:

* Hannah G

* Caelynn

* Cassie

* Tayshia (curveball here -- if not her, Hannah B)

I think Heather is the least-likely left on the show, just slightly behind Colton calling the whole thing off to announce he's dating his male athletic trainer.

Boom! (Wish I was as good picking things that matter.) I think it will be Hannah G and Caelynn that get to the end and Hannah G gets the final rose. Caelynn is the next Bachelorette.

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21 minutes ago, C-Man said:

Boom! (Wish I was as good picking things that matter.) I think it will be Hannah G and Caelynn that get to the end and Hannah G gets the final rose. Caelynn is the next Bachelorette.

Good picks but I'm still sticking with my power rankings with Cassie far in the lead, then Hannah, then Tayshia. I don't know how these things work but next one going home I think is Caelynn.

Colton is so dumb that Cassie could say "I don't like you cause you're a former fat kid who's gonna get fat again" and he'd still pick Cassie.

I don't know how the Bachelorette works but Caelynn would be a 23 year old whose face doesn't move because of all the botox. I would be jumping the fence if I were one of the dudes getting of the limo.

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Beau Vine

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On 2/19/2019 at 12:13 PM, ajax said:

Why does he keep that bitch Caelynn around? She talks in an insufferable monotone and she's by far the least attractive. There's probably more feeling in Kirpah's chin bandage than there is in Caelynn's silicone lips.

I don't like Caelynn either, but when she showed up to support Cassie, that was the first time any of them have have stood up for any of the others, so Colton had to respect that.  Well, except for the fact that Colton is always completely baffled that women turn into psychos when they're competing with each other, and make up lies and are horrible to each other because he has apparently never been around women in his life.  

CSB time: When I was in college, my summer job was at a small credit union as a teller/acct clerk.  There were three males working there: me, the president, and the VP.  The other 40 employees were women.  I got along with all of them, but 20 of them would always be mad at the other 20 about something stupid, and I'd be stuck in the middle and hear from both sides every day.   Holy shit, I learned so much about women those summers.   

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Go Pokes

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3 hours ago, ajax said:

Best part of the episode was when Caelynn broke her pagaent persona and was all like "I better get a rose or ima cut a bitch."

Hannah Bama did NOT break pageant girl persona when Colton was walking her out.  She had that fake smile plastered on her face all the way to the limo.  I guess these girls are taught to lose with grace (or at least pretend like it) in these pageants.  

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Beau Vine

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3 minutes ago, Go Pokes said:

Hannah Bama did NOT break pageant girl persona when Colton was walking her out.  She had that fake smile plastered on her face all the way to the limo.  I guess these girls are taught to lose with grace (or at least pretend like it) in these pageants.  

No, I said last week that she smiles when she doesn't know exactly how to respond.  It's one of the surest signs of crazy.  

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T’Boo Ted Marshall

T’Boo Ted Marshall 2732

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Does anyone know what Colton's greatest fear is, because I haven't picked up on that.  Is it spiders?  Snakes?  Heights?  Clowns?  Getting eaten by Chupacabras?  Fear itself?

His biggest fear is being a complete pussy the rest of his life and not being emotionally stable enough to handle a mature relationship.
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spystud13

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Check the dates for the amount of time he was actually on practice squads, they’re all pretty brief. 

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On May 10, 2014, Underwood was signed as an undrafted free agent by the San Diego Chargers. On August 30, 2014, he was waived. On September 3, 2014, Underwood was signed to the Philadelphia Eagles' practice squad. On September 9, 2014, he was released from practice squad. 

On September 23, 2014, Underwood returned to the Chargers and was signed to the their practice squad. On December 29, 2014, he signed a future contract. On September 5, 2015, he was waived. On September 6, 2015, he was placed on injured reserve. On September 10, 2015, he was waived from injured reserve.

On December 1, 2015, Underwood was signed to the Raiders' practice squad. On August 29, 2016, he was released by the Raiders.

You’re only paid during the 17-week regular season, so those offseason stints don’t count for much. 

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henrygandorf

henrygandorf 29189

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drinking game update:

if you were drinking anytime you heard:

-blindsided

-my biggest fear is

-any girl claim that another girl "made stuff up" for no reason

then you got fucking shitfaced and probably swore off alcohol on tuesday.

there's some sort of miscommunication happening, that nobody seems to care about, including me.  taisha's story is that after colton made his big showdown speech, everyone looked around, and it was clear that cassie and cailynn were the ones that were panicking and getting shitty and defensive.  that was really all that needed to be said.  then there was some conversation katie referenced about certain girls talking about being the next bachelorette, which, whatever.

when cailynn was retelling her story to cassie, she mentioned "and then she said if he proposed i would say no", which to me sounds like typical female embellishment to justify her outrage.  but hey, that's what you do when you're getting defensive, right?  i also tend to think there's a difference between "not being ready" and "here for the wrong reasons".  there's a venn diagram with a big overlap, but they're not completely the same.  and when you're talking about a bunch of 23 year olds, i bet most of them "are not ready" to be engaged/married.

the truth of the matter is that if you're building yourself up as a brand, and want more exposure, and want to get on more shows, and aren't 100% sure that colton is the person you want to be with - it's way way better to get far and not win.  this fact is not a secret, and as the guy who lost, went on bip, then became the bachelor, colton fucking knows better.  he's just too stupid or too gay to remember.

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henrygandorf

henrygandorf 29189

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12 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

It cracks me up that Tayshia's occupation is listed as " phlebotomist" and Hannah G's is "content creator."

 

I have no idea what either of those mean.

phlebotomy is under the nursing umbrella i believe.  content creator could be fucking anything - but sounds like something in the social media/influencer space.  both are demonstrably better than describing someone as "never been kissed".

they used to always list actual occupations, no matter how stupid.  then on bip, they would list joke ones, nicknames, whatever.  now it seems on the main show, if they don't have a good one for someone, they'll do a joke or phrase that applies.  not a big fan of that.  leave bip alone.

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spystud13

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I googled Tayshia’s... 

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Phlebotomy is the process of making an incision in a vein with a needle. The procedure itself is known as a venipuncture. A person who performs phlebotomy is called a "phlebotomist", although doctors, nurses, medical laboratory scientists and others do portions of phlebotomy procedures in many countries.

 

And for the record, Demi worked at a Pottery Barn in Dallas before the show. She even posted her Employee of the Month certificate awhile back. We lost a LOT of good shit on her when the old SSS died. 

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JimmyHoffa

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2 minutes ago, spystud13 said:

I googled Tayshia’s... 

 

And for the record, Demi worked at a Pottery Barn in Dallas before the show. She even posted her Employee of the Month certificate awhile back. We lost a LOT of good shit on her when the old SSS died. 

 

Yeah they do that with a lot of people on the show and their "occupation"

It could be they are planning on majoring in that some day

They used to do that 3 years ago

Or the producers just make shit up to make someone more interesting.  

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