Child Rearing Books

[Spur08 382]

Not that I want to listen to any ole asshole, but I'm looking for aids to assist with raising kids and aiding their development.  I'm just your regular asshole trying your best out here but sometimes feel like I'm really ill-equipped to manage my daughter's emotions.  My wife is great at it but I'm trying my best to figure out how I can be a better partner and father.  Any help is appreciated....as is making fun of me.

[Hate 20110]

[Surly Bevo 25039]

10 minutes ago, Spur08 said:

Not that I want to listen to any ole asshole, but I'm looking for aids to assist with raising kids and aiding their development.  I'm just your regular asshole trying your best out here but sometimes feel like I'm really ill-equipped to manage my daughter's emotions.  My wife is great at it but I'm trying my best to figure out how I can be a better partner and father.  Any help is appreciated....as is making fun of me.

Start right here page 1, post 1.

 

Then try to train her to do the opposite

 

[Superhero 8830]

How old are your kids?

If they're still kinda young, then I'd recommend Love and Logic. Worked out okay for us when they were young, giving them choices for a lot of things, and also letting them fail from time to time.

Start early if you can. My son grew up with us giving him choices throughout the day - stupid things like "Do you want to put on your left shoe first or right shoe?" "Do you want to eat your apple of have strawberries? Gave him a sense of control, so it was easier to say "daddy's gonna make a decision on this one."

My daughter was already 4-5 when we read the book. Didn't work as well with her and she can be a little shit at times.

[Guest]

has to go somewhere, but "hobbies" is strange AF.

 As if rearing kids is like collecting pogs.

[Post Oak 20239]

 

[Mrs Whiggins 13050]

Since the original post was a request for reading material, it's not unusual to find it in a book thread.

@Spur08 --there are a lot of books, some good and some for which I didn't care, but I recommend skimming the shelves at your local library as its cheaper. You find one there that seems applicable for your family and then it might be good to have a personal copy. That is what we did, and the one we found somewhat helpful was The Mister Rogers Parenting book. It covered the age ranges of (I'm forgetful) maaaybe two to six? Those were the ages around which our children needed a lot of hands on guidance and supervision in learning how to manage family life, personal behaviors, what is an acceptable way to express emotion, and so on. Each family is different, each child is different, but it helped to have that book as a resource. Sometimes I believe Mr. Rogers got a bad rap--that critics would say he reinforced the idea of 'specialness' and that led generations to feel entitled. I disagree and that would be on the parents of those entitled-acting children. For 'specialness' is something that is true--each child truly is unique in so many ways but shares commonalities with every other human living and every human who has ever lived. Which means that while YOU are special, so is every one else and thus one must learn to do such things as wait one's turn, be polite, be kind, and so on. I think some parents just stopped after the you are special and tuned out the rest of what Rogers had to say about how to raise a child to grow  into a healthy happy adult. Because parenting is hard work and a responsibility and should not be an afterthought.

Mostly what we discovered as parents was that what was right (for our family) wasn't always easy, there are not really short cuts, and as my late grandmother used to say: patience is a virtue.

Good luck!

[Spur08 382]

Thanks for the recs.  Daughter is 5 and son is a year next month.  My dude is the exact opposite of my daughter at the same age.  Daughter is just super high on the emotional range spectrum and I'm not really that guy but, honestly, neither is my wife.  She just has more of the "soft" skills needed to manage it vs. me.  In that same breath, I realize I'm still lucky and over-analyzing it as I have a buddy who has some REAL child problems (getting kicked out of school multiple times at 3).

[Superhero 8830]

1 hour ago, Spur08 said:

Thanks for the recs.  Daughter is 5 and son is a year next month.  My dude is the exact opposite of my daughter at the same age.  Daughter is just super high on the emotional range spectrum and I'm not really that guy but, honestly, neither is my wife.  She just has more of the "soft" skills needed to manage it vs. me.  In that same breath, I realize I'm still lucky and over-analyzing it as I have a buddy who has some REAL child problems (getting kicked out of school multiple times at 3).

So reading between the lines, I'm guessing that you get mad as hell, and you're not gonna take it anymore.

Yeah, I've been there. It's best to take a deep breath and walk away. I also ask tell my daughter to go to her room, and not to come out until she's ready to act calmly. She decides how long that's gonna take instead of me setting a time.

[Mrs Whiggins 13050]

13 hours ago, Spur08 said:

Thanks for the recs.  Daughter is 5 and son is a year next month.  My dude is the exact opposite of my daughter at the same age.  Daughter is just super high on the emotional range spectrum and I'm not really that guy but, honestly, neither is my wife.  She just has more of the "soft" skills needed to manage it vs. me.  In that same breath, I realize I'm still lucky and over-analyzing it as I have a buddy who has some REAL child problems (getting kicked out of school multiple times at 3).

Don't be too hard on yourself, but really it's going to be a team effort because even your wife with her skillset will need relief (I'm sure you know this but it's a reminder that tag team parenting can be a lifesaver).

A couple of things that worked for us--you may not think you have that skill set, but what you can do is rather dispassionately step back and analyze some skills you can teach your daughter so that she can cope with her emotions.

My husband was great at this all through our oldest child's stages of growth. In hs, when she would not realize she was getting a little too verklempt, and he could use humor to help her regain perspective, and it worked because they had this history together as far back as she could remember of him helping her learn how to cope and think about what was really going on. Which leads to a second thing that can help you cope as well--sometimes it's just a matter of a growth stage where they are physically growing and the emotional growth has lagged behind, sometimes it is a missed hour of sleep, low blood sugar, anxiety and so on. As adults we tend to dismiss the things that children worry about and sometimes they aren't good at verbalizing them and it manifests itself in ways that suspend disbelief.  As in, really? You thought a tiger was on the roof and was going to eat us all and leave you alone? It boiled down to a fear of what if something happens to mom and dad when grandma and grandpa live so far away (we had moved to another state but the anxiety didn't appear until over a year later). Have some one on one time and let her ramble on but try not to tune out her words. Occasionally they can be quite revealing. Or, like when I admitted to another child something of which I was afraid and how it was difficult to figure out how to handle it. Or discovering that certain situations were overstimulating and having some time or a place to gain equilibrium was helpful for the entire family.

Oh, and your son is still young. He will have his own set of things that *surprise you and challenge you. He hasn't hit toddlerhood in full stride yet. Hang on.

*I must say though, one of our younger ones is very very quiet and that can be misconstrued that he is calm but it turns out he was just better at hiding it. We made a point of taking him out in the car or for a one-on-one bike ride and after a good twenty minutes w/o prompting he would launch into things that were bothering him.