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Why Texas Stomps a Mudhole In Alabama's Ass

closetojumping

By closetojumping
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closetojumping

closetojumping 62604

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Texas has spent the better part of the last 12 years getting sand kicked in its face and told it isn't good enough, or it isn't back, or its boosters are meanies holding down the program or that Austin is a cesspool.

You name the kind of derisive, condescending shit-talking someone in the media, or representative of another fanbase, or even writing as a UT reporter but needing to pay off gambling or IRS debts, could say about the Texas football program, and it has been said. 

This all started on the evening of January 7th, 2010, just after that dirty, impish grandmother molesting Nick Saban sacrificed what is rumored to be a live chicken and a dead rhino to Lamashtu The Eraser, in exchange for the greatest dynastic run in CFB history, beginning with the immediate demise of Texas via an early injury to its star QB and leader, Colt McCoy. 

Twelves Years a Knave is a run too long for any blue blood program to endure. It all ends this weekend, right where it started, in front of God, Country, Longhorn Nation, all of US sports media, and that dark, tiny ankle-biter himself, Nick Saban. 

"But closetojumping, Alabama is the #1 team in the country!! They’re a juggernaut!"

Yeah, yeah, I get it. Alabama is 10 feet tall and shoots lightning bolts from its arse. They're favored by 20.5 points on the road. Right.

It’s true, when you look at what Bama does on the road against non-conference opponents, it’s quite intimidating. I think we all remember the last time they went on the road into unfriendly non-SEC confines in the year … (checks notes) … 2011.

That’s right, Bama hasn’t played a legitimate non-conference game on the road since 2011. That means there are like 4 people currently involved with the program who have actually been a part of Bama going into unfamiliar territory with an overwhelmingly hostile crowd and no “gentleman’s agreement” creature comforts. In fact, in Saban’s entire 15 year tenure, Bama has gone on the road OOC exactly twice – against the mighty Duke Blue Devils in 2010 (62-13) and to Happy Valley in 2011 (27-11) while the PSU child molestation scandal was roiling under the surface within the football program.

For all of the SEC tough talk about what brutal opponents they are to the outside world, they’re a generally inward-looking and thinking collection of programs and people, and Bama is no different. Hell, the last two times they played Big 12 opponents, they didn’t exactly run them out of the buildings on neutral sites – WVU 2014 (33-23) and OU 2018 (45-34).

But, hey, maybe that is all ancient history and Alabama is lately a rolling ball of butcherknives when it comes to real road games, right? Let’s look at how largely the same team playing this weekend did in 2021. They played road games against UF (31-29), ATM (38-41), MSU (49-9), and Auburn (24-22 in quadruple OT).

The Miss State game was the week after they shit themselves on the road against ATM. The other 3 games involved a mediocre UF team going for 2 to tie it late, ATM embarrassing them for 60 minutes, and Auburn’s Tank Bigsby going out of bounds like an imbecile to giftwrap a Bama comeback to tie a game that Auburn dominated. Does Texas face the team that lost to ATM the last time they were in Texas, or the team that rolled a hapless MSU the following week?

“But CTJ, Texas lacks the talent to keep up with the Bama Machine!!??!”

For the first time in a very long time, Texas will be going up against an elite team and will not have a major talent gap at multiple positions by comparison. In fact, Texas has more starting talent than Bama at multiple positions going into this game.

1)     Bama’s OL is an untested pile of poo. They are going to gargle our collective balls after being left in a state of rubble by the “greatest OL coaching hire in college history”, Doug Marrone. Anyone who watched them against Utah State witnessed the OL struggling to get push against the USU front seven. Bama’s leading rusher in the game was Bryce Young and that isn’t a result of either Young being an amazing scrambler or Bama taking it easy with their TBs against the G5 program. Texas’ DL will face more complete OLs this season than the one they face on Saturday.

2)     Bama’s WRs and TEs should scare no one. This isn’t 2019. Bama hasn’t had this weak a group of TEs in over a decade, and that’s even if Latu plays. The WRs aren’t substantially more formidable. Burton is fine, but he’s not keeping anyone awake at night. Prentice looks good but he’s not Waddle. After that, shit gets dicey.

3)     The defensive line for Alabama isn’t up to its usual snuff. The 3 interior DL positions are manned by big bodies, but also guys that haven’t gone pro yet because they weren’t good enough to do so. By Bama standards, that should give every opponent some upside in expectations. Of course their outside guys, Anderson and Turner, are all anyone on this board wants to shit themselves over, but they’re two guys. The interior doesn’t command a double team, so energy can be focused in supporting the outside.

4)     Texas has elite talent at TB, WR, and TE. It has potentially elite talent at QB, OT, and OG. Sarkisian is one of the best offensive playcallers in football. He has the talent and depth at key positions which will enable him to create interesting match-ups even for a talented defense like Bama.

5)     Bill O’Brien is a meatheaded asshole chugger. BOB is in the process of doing what he does. He’ll continue to degrade his unit on a yearly basis until there is simply nothing left. Saban won’t allow for that, but he’s let him stay on another year after sniffing around in the market and not liking his other options. That serves to our benefit, as we should expect turtled playcalling and a general lack of creativity. For a defense still trying to find reliable footing, O’Brien is the ideal OC at a place like Bama for Texas to face.

“closetojumping, these guys are SEC! SEC! SEC! and I am not sure our stadium can handle their ferocity!?!”

The last time a “greatest team ever” from the SEC marched into the confines of DKR, Texas was a dropped touchdown pass via a gimpy and weak-willed Keontay Ingram away from ruining their plans.

As mentioned earlier, this is a program that is unused to walking into a foreign, angry fanbase 100,000+ strong and hell bent on turning the tide of 12 Years a Knave, bestowed upon us by their dark lord of a head coach in the first place. I don’t expect Bama to cringe or crumple under the pressure, but I do expect them to be at an inherent disadvantage. I also don’t expect to see many Alabama fans in attendance, simply because most of them have to work in the service industry on weekends and these tickets and Austin travel are also quite expensive for a base of largely minimum wage workers.

Also, we’re fucking due. Storied programs are forged and burnished by deliverance when the spotlight and sun burn brightest. Our time for ascension is here, goddammit, and it is long overdue time for Nick Saban and his waterheaded following of fucktards to go to hell and give the rest of college football some fucking space to breathe.

I believe the great Texas freedom fighter Davey Crockett said it best, specifically thinking about the cowering brethren he was leaving behind as he headed out when he said: “Alabama Fans and the rest of these God forsaken SEC mouthbreathers can actually all go to hell. As for us, we’re going with Texas – 34-31. “

Hook’em

 

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Hiphopopotamos

Hiphopopotamos 20869

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32 minutes ago, closetojumping said:

I believe the great Texas freedom fighter Davey Crockett said it best, specifically thinking about the cowering brethren he was leaving behind as he headed out when he said: “Alabama Fans and the rest of these God forsaken SEC mouthbreathers can actually all go to hell. As for us, we’re going with Texas – 34-31. “

Hook’em

You Are Goddamn Right GIFs | Tenor

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DefinitelyNotHollywoodColt

DefinitelyNotHollywoodColt 12301

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21 minutes ago, Wulaw Horn said:

Thanks for the contrarian point of view. I know you don’t fully and completely believe it and are playing Devils Advocate,  but it is somewhat plausible sounding and we can root for that instead of all embracing our inner Satya for the rest of the week. 

I just want to thank him for not leading with “Sark the player” while rallying the troops.

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Tex Long

Tex Long 4384

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26 minutes ago, GringoSalado said:

arse?

UK is afflicted with a nationwide speech impediment, which, I am less than pleased to say, has slipped into our precious Merkin-speak. 

People who can stick an "r" in their ass and call it arse can - and did - write a song illustrating such. I believe this one was by Lonnie Donegan's Skiffle Group. To wit,

I sawr Esaur, sittin' on a see-sawr

I sawr Esaur with my girl

I sawr Esaur, sittin' on a see-sawr

Givin' her  a merry whirl

When I sawr Esaur, 'e sawr me

Then I sawr red and got so sore

That I got a sawr and I sawred Esaur

Off that old see-sawr.

Edited by Tex Long
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Lidig8r

Lidig8r 1871

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Gentlemen ... let us go back 40 years in time ... to the 1982 Cotton Bowl.

6th ranked Texas boasted a 9-1-1 record. And yet, we were the underdogs in that game.

The team we played boasted a 9-1-1 record and were ranked No. 3. They held outside hopes of being voted the national champions. They needed No. 2 ranked Georgia to lose in the Sugar Bowl to Pittsburgh.  Which happened.  And then, No. 1 ranked Clumpson to lose to Nebraska in the Orange Bowl.

The team we played in the Cotton Bowl had much to play for. The last game of the season against Allbarn, this time gave its head coach his 315th victory breaking the record held by Amos Alonzo Stagg. The game was called by the immortal Lindsey Nelson and ...Roger Staubach.

Trailing 10 - 0 in the 4th quarter, Texas rallied for two 4th quarter touchdowns to eventually win the game ... 14 - 12.

That team ... Alabama.

Alabama's dynasty began when Colt was injured.

Symmetry Gentlemen. Symmetry. 

It is time.  

It needed to be in the perfect place .. at the perfect time.

That time is Saturday.

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