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Why Texas Stomps a Mudhole In Alabama's Ass

closetojumping

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ermahgerdhorn

ermahgerdhorn 178

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26 minutes ago, TexArcher said:

Won't know if they cared or not until we know if they won or lost.

The SEC is undefeated in games it cares about, even against itself.  They're so amazing and we're lucky to live in this epoch with them.

And don't worry, the narrative is locked and loaded:

Bama wins: OMG MOST DOMINANT TEAM EVER

Bama loses: They were saving themselves for that "grueling" SEC conference play

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KeysPhoneWallet

KeysPhoneWallet 807

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url=https://twitter.com/kyleumlang/status/1567298616531849217][/url]

Does this game mean nothing to Texas? I don’t think so. For Texas football it’s a chance for respect which means a lot. For Texas fans, we all remember the last time we played them and this is our way out of that desert. I would say it means a lot to Texas.
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closetojumping

closetojumping 62567

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I've enjoyed all of the comments. I've said it often, but I don't know whether I am more entertained when people get the jokes, or when they don't. Some of the younger/newer posters misreading some of this has made me laugh.

Anyway, one thing that is fucking absurd to me, albeit predictable, is how absolutely slanted the outlook for this game is from the commentators all day long on XM 84. The primary point when this game is discussed so far this week is "can Texas keep this close in the first half?" I get that Bama is viewed as the chalk pick to win it all, but just the general assumption that Texas is going to get outright blown out at home, like not even in a shit-talking or condescending way, just presumptively, is pretty awesome. Maybe that happens and they're justified, but I don't see it. 

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Johnny Sack

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15 hours ago, closetojumping said:

Texas has spent the better part of the last 12 years getting sand kicked in its face and told it isn't good enough, or it isn't back, or its boosters are meanies holding down the program or that Austin is a cesspool.

You name the kind of derisive, condescending shit-talking someone in the media, or representative of another fanbase, or even writing as a UT reporter but needing to pay off gambling or IRS debts, could say about the Texas football program, and it has been said. 

This all started on the evening of January 7th, 2010, just after that dirty, impish grandmother molesting Nick Saban sacrificed what is rumored to be a live chicken and a dead rhino to Lamashtu The Eraser, in exchange for the greatest dynastic run in CFB history, beginning with the immediate demise of Texas via an early injury to its star QB and leader, Colt McCoy. 

Twelves Years a Knave is a run too long for any blue blood program to endure. It all ends this weekend, right where it started, in front of God, Country, Longhorn Nation, all of US sports media, and that dark, tiny ankle-biter himself, Nick Saban. 

"But closetojumping, Alabama is the #1 team in the country!! They’re a juggernaut!"

Yeah, yeah, I get it. Alabama is 10 feet tall and shoots lightning bolts from its arse. They're favored by 20.5 points on the road. Right.

It’s true, when you look at what Bama does on the road against non-conference opponents, it’s quite intimidating. I think we all remember the last time they went on the road into unfriendly non-SEC confines in the year … (checks notes) … 2011.

That’s right, Bama hasn’t played a legitimate non-conference game on the road since 2011. That means there are like 4 people currently involved with the program who have actually been a part of Bama going into unfamiliar territory with an overwhelmingly hostile crowd and no “gentleman’s agreement” creature comforts. In fact, in Saban’s entire 15 year tenure, Bama has gone on the road OOC exactly twice – against the mighty Duke Blue Devils in 2010 (62-13) and to Happy Valley in 2011 (27-11) while the PSU child molestation scandal was roiling under the surface within the football program.

For all of the SEC tough talk about what brutal opponents they are to the outside world, they’re a generally inward-looking and thinking collection of programs and people, and Bama is no different. Hell, the last two times they played Big 12 opponents, they didn’t exactly run them out of the buildings on neutral sites – WVU 2014 (33-23) and OU 2018 (45-34).

But, hey, maybe that is all ancient history and Alabama is lately a rolling ball of butcherknives when it comes to real road games, right? Let’s look at how largely the same team playing this weekend did in 2021. They played road games against UF (31-29), ATM (38-41), MSU (49-9), and Auburn (24-22 in quadruple OT).

The Miss State game was the week after they shit themselves on the road against ATM. The other 3 games involved a mediocre UF team going for 2 to tie it late, ATM embarrassing them for 60 minutes, and Auburn’s Tank Bigsby going out of bounds like an imbecile to giftwrap a Bama comeback to tie a game that Auburn dominated. Does Texas face the team that lost to ATM the last time they were in Texas, or the team that rolled a hapless MSU the following week?

“But CTJ, Texas lacks the talent to keep up with the Bama Machine!!??!”

For the first time in a very long time, Texas will be going up against an elite team and will not have a major talent gap at multiple positions by comparison. In fact, Texas has more starting talent than Bama at multiple positions going into this game.

1)     Bama’s OL is an untested pile of poo. They are going to gargle our collective balls after being left in a state of rubble by the “greatest OL coaching hire in college history”, Doug Marrone. Anyone who watched them against Utah State witnessed the OL struggling to get push against the USU front seven. Bama’s leading rusher in the game was Bryce Young and that isn’t a result of either Young being an amazing scrambler or Bama taking it easy with their TBs against the G5 program. Texas’ DL will face more complete OLs this season than the one they face on Saturday.

2)     Bama’s WRs and TEs should scare no one. This isn’t 2019. Bama hasn’t had this weak a group of TEs in over a decade, and that’s even if Latu plays. The WRs aren’t substantially more formidable. Burton is fine, but he’s not keeping anyone awake at night. Prentice looks good but he’s not Waddle. After that, shit gets dicey.

3)     The defensive line for Alabama isn’t up to its usual snuff. The 3 interior DL positions are manned by big bodies, but also guys that haven’t gone pro yet because they weren’t good enough to do so. By Bama standards, that should give every opponent some upside in expectations. Of course their outside guys, Anderson and Turner, are all anyone on this board wants to shit themselves over, but they’re two guys. The interior doesn’t command a double team, so energy can be focused in supporting the outside.

4)     Texas has elite talent at TB, WR, and TE. It has potentially elite talent at QB, OT, and OG. Sarkisian is one of the best offensive playcallers in football. He has the talent and depth at key positions which will enable him to create interesting match-ups even for a talented defense like Bama.

5)     Bill O’Brien is a meatheaded asshole chugger. BOB is in the process of doing what he does. He’ll continue to degrade his unit on a yearly basis until there is simply nothing left. Saban won’t allow for that, but he’s let him stay on another year after sniffing around in the market and not liking his other options. That serves to our benefit, as we should expect turtled playcalling and a general lack of creativity. For a defense still trying to find reliable footing, O’Brien is the ideal OC at a place like Bama for Texas to face.

“closetojumping, these guys are SEC! SEC! SEC! and I am not sure our stadium can handle their ferocity!?!”

The last time a “greatest team ever” from the SEC marched into the confines of DKR, Texas was a dropped touchdown pass via a gimpy and weak-willed Keontay Ingram away from ruining their plans.

As mentioned earlier, this is a program that is unused to walking into a foreign, angry fanbase 100,000+ strong and hell bent on turning the tide of 12 Years a Knave, bestowed upon us by their dark lord of a head coach in the first place. I don’t expect Bama to cringe or crumple under the pressure, but I do expect them to be at an inherent disadvantage. I also don’t expect to see many Alabama fans in attendance, simply because most of them have to work in the service industry on weekends and these tickets and Austin travel are also quite expensive for a base of largely minimum wage workers.

Also, we’re fucking due. Storied programs are forged and burnished by deliverance when the spotlight and sun burn brightest. Our time for ascension is here, goddammit, and it is long overdue time for Nick Saban and his waterheaded following of fucktards to go to hell and give the rest of college football some fucking space to breathe.

I believe the great Texas freedom fighter Davey Crockett said it best, specifically thinking about the cowering brethren he was leaving behind as he headed out when he said: “Alabama Fans and the rest of these God forsaken SEC mouthbreathers can actually all go to hell. As for us, we’re going with Texas – 34-31. “

Hook’em

 

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FloridaHorn

FloridaHorn 4753

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4 minutes ago, closetojumping said:

I've enjoyed all of the comments. I've said it often, but I don't know whether I am more entertained when people get the jokes, or when they don't. Some of the younger/newer posters misreading some of this has made me laugh.

Anyway, one thing that is fucking absurd to me, albeit predictable, is how absolutely slanted the outlook for this game is from the commentators all day long on XM 84. The primary point when this game is discussed so far this week is "can Texas keep this close in the first half?" I get that Bama is viewed as the chalk pick to win it all, but just the general assumption that Texas is going to get outright blown out at home, like not even in a shit-talking or condescending way, just presumptively, is pretty awesome. Maybe that happens and they're justified, but I don't see it. 

I have been listening to the same drivel for the last couple of days. It is almost as if the rubes are wondering if our guys will even show up for the game. I expect this game to be a 7-10 pt game headed to the 4th qtr. I could be talked into that score favoring either team at this point. 

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Thiefery

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5 minutes ago, closetojumping said:

I've enjoyed all of the comments. I've said it often, but I don't know whether I am more entertained when people get the jokes, or when they don't. Some of the younger/newer posters misreading some of this has made me laugh.

Anyway, one thing that is fucking absurd to me, albeit predictable, is how absolutely slanted the outlook for this game is from the commentators all day long on XM 84. The primary point when this game is discussed so far this week is "can Texas keep this close in the first half?" I get that Bama is viewed as the chalk pick to win it all, but just the general assumption that Texas is going to get outright blown out at home, like not even in a shit-talking or condescending way, just presumptively, is pretty awesome. Maybe that happens and they're justified, but I don't see it. 

It's been the same thing over and over.. on that channel.. Despite different shows, they all feel Bama buries us quickly and on to the next game.

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Tex Long

Tex Long 4383

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"... and Young's got another first down, here on Bama's opening drive. The Heisman winning quarterback is eating the Longhorns alive. That run's about 15 yards, and..."

"Hold up, there, amigo. He's not up yet. Looks like he's holding his right leg..."

"Yeah, skipper, he lost a shoe back there when he made his cut, around the LOS." 

"Oh my GOD! Dave, there's a foot in that shoe!"

"Refs are callling for the cart, we're going into an injurry timeout. Bama's second quarterback is... is... looks like he's trying to find his helmet."

"Folks, stay tuned, we're going to be right back. But first, do you know about AFLAC?"
 

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Vertigo

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1 hour ago, closetojumping said:

I've enjoyed all of the comments. I've said it often, but I don't know whether I am more entertained when people get the jokes, or when they don't. Some of the younger/newer posters misreading some of this has made me laugh.

Anyway, one thing that is fucking absurd to me, albeit predictable, is how absolutely slanted the outlook for this game is from the commentators all day long on XM 84. The primary point when this game is discussed so far this week is "can Texas keep this close in the first half?" I get that Bama is viewed as the chalk pick to win it all, but just the general assumption that Texas is going to get outright blown out at home, like not even in a shit-talking or condescending way, just presumptively, is pretty awesome. Maybe that happens and they're justified, but I don't see it. 

The thing that has me a little more bullish than normal is the fact that multiple people have reported that Patterson has been working on scheming this game for months, the same way he used to scheme for Texas for months every year. Those guys beat us repeatedly when they had no business doing so, and my hope is that he can pull another rabbit out of the hat on Saturday. Sark said in his presser on Monday that his offensive game plan was done a few months ago. That means they spent quite a bit of time over the summer on this game. I expect the score to be much closer than expected, although I still have a hard time believing we get an outright win without Bama repeatedly stepping on their dicks like they did at Kyle Field last year. Two true freshman on the OLine, a trueish freshman QB in game 2, and a bunch of other true freshmen in the 2 deep. It would be a monster upset. They are not as good on the road, it is an 11AM kick, and it should be hot as shit. We have a punchers chance. 

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Tex Long

Tex Long 4383

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Even as a  3 TD dog, we're only a couple of bad bounces or shit ref calls from catching up. The WR blocking is so far above what we've seen in so many years, I gotta believe that we're going to see Bijan and/or Rojo or KRob break some long ones. Ewers seems to have great awareness of receivers' locations, and the arm to get the ball pretty much anywhere on the field. One of the biggest shortcomings by Casey Thompson last year was that Sark's schemes often had multiple receivers wide open and Casey just ignored them, waiting for some preconceived notion to show up... If the schemes have people open as regularly as last year, Ewers will feast.

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1leggedduck

1leggedduck 443

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17 hours ago, closetojumping said:

Texas has spent the better part of the last 12 years getting sand kicked in its face and told it isn't good enough, or it isn't back, or its boosters are meanies holding down the program or that Austin is a cesspool.

You name the kind of derisive, condescending shit-talking someone in the media, or representative of another fanbase, or even writing as a UT reporter but needing to pay off gambling or IRS debts, could say about the Texas football program, and it has been said. 

This all started on the evening of January 7th, 2010, just after that dirty, impish grandmother molesting Nick Saban sacrificed what is rumored to be a live chicken and a dead rhino to Lamashtu The Eraser, in exchange for the greatest dynastic run in CFB history, beginning with the immediate demise of Texas via an early injury to its star QB and leader, Colt McCoy. 

Twelves Years a Knave is a run too long for any blue blood program to endure. It all ends this weekend, right where it started, in front of God, Country, Longhorn Nation, all of US sports media, and that dark, tiny ankle-biter himself, Nick Saban. 

"But closetojumping, Alabama is the #1 team in the country!! They’re a juggernaut!"

Yeah, yeah, I get it. Alabama is 10 feet tall and shoots lightning bolts from its arse. They're favored by 20.5 points on the road. Right.

It’s true, when you look at what Bama does on the road against non-conference opponents, it’s quite intimidating. I think we all remember the last time they went on the road into unfriendly non-SEC confines in the year … (checks notes) … 2011.

That’s right, Bama hasn’t played a legitimate non-conference game on the road since 2011. That means there are like 4 people currently involved with the program who have actually been a part of Bama going into unfamiliar territory with an overwhelmingly hostile crowd and no “gentleman’s agreement” creature comforts. In fact, in Saban’s entire 15 year tenure, Bama has gone on the road OOC exactly twice – against the mighty Duke Blue Devils in 2010 (62-13) and to Happy Valley in 2011 (27-11) while the PSU child molestation scandal was roiling under the surface within the football program.

For all of the SEC tough talk about what brutal opponents they are to the outside world, they’re a generally inward-looking and thinking collection of programs and people, and Bama is no different. Hell, the last two times they played Big 12 opponents, they didn’t exactly run them out of the buildings on neutral sites – WVU 2014 (33-23) and OU 2018 (45-34).

But, hey, maybe that is all ancient history and Alabama is lately a rolling ball of butcherknives when it comes to real road games, right? Let’s look at how largely the same team playing this weekend did in 2021. They played road games against UF (31-29), ATM (38-41), MSU (49-9), and Auburn (24-22 in quadruple OT).

The Miss State game was the week after they shit themselves on the road against ATM. The other 3 games involved a mediocre UF team going for 2 to tie it late, ATM embarrassing them for 60 minutes, and Auburn’s Tank Bigsby going out of bounds like an imbecile to giftwrap a Bama comeback to tie a game that Auburn dominated. Does Texas face the team that lost to ATM the last time they were in Texas, or the team that rolled a hapless MSU the following week?

“But CTJ, Texas lacks the talent to keep up with the Bama Machine!!??!”

For the first time in a very long time, Texas will be going up against an elite team and will not have a major talent gap at multiple positions by comparison. In fact, Texas has more starting talent than Bama at multiple positions going into this game.

1)     Bama’s OL is an untested pile of poo. They are going to gargle our collective balls after being left in a state of rubble by the “greatest OL coaching hire in college history”, Doug Marrone. Anyone who watched them against Utah State witnessed the OL struggling to get push against the USU front seven. Bama’s leading rusher in the game was Bryce Young and that isn’t a result of either Young being an amazing scrambler or Bama taking it easy with their TBs against the G5 program. Texas’ DL will face more complete OLs this season than the one they face on Saturday.

2)     Bama’s WRs and TEs should scare no one. This isn’t 2019. Bama hasn’t had this weak a group of TEs in over a decade, and that’s even if Latu plays. The WRs aren’t substantially more formidable. Burton is fine, but he’s not keeping anyone awake at night. Prentice looks good but he’s not Waddle. After that, shit gets dicey.

3)     The defensive line for Alabama isn’t up to its usual snuff. The 3 interior DL positions are manned by big bodies, but also guys that haven’t gone pro yet because they weren’t good enough to do so. By Bama standards, that should give every opponent some upside in expectations. Of course their outside guys, Anderson and Turner, are all anyone on this board wants to shit themselves over, but they’re two guys. The interior doesn’t command a double team, so energy can be focused in supporting the outside.

4)     Texas has elite talent at TB, WR, and TE. It has potentially elite talent at QB, OT, and OG. Sarkisian is one of the best offensive playcallers in football. He has the talent and depth at key positions which will enable him to create interesting match-ups even for a talented defense like Bama.

5)     Bill O’Brien is a meatheaded asshole chugger. BOB is in the process of doing what he does. He’ll continue to degrade his unit on a yearly basis until there is simply nothing left. Saban won’t allow for that, but he’s let him stay on another year after sniffing around in the market and not liking his other options. That serves to our benefit, as we should expect turtled playcalling and a general lack of creativity. For a defense still trying to find reliable footing, O’Brien is the ideal OC at a place like Bama for Texas to face.

“closetojumping, these guys are SEC! SEC! SEC! and I am not sure our stadium can handle their ferocity!?!”

The last time a “greatest team ever” from the SEC marched into the confines of DKR, Texas was a dropped touchdown pass via a gimpy and weak-willed Keontay Ingram away from ruining their plans.

As mentioned earlier, this is a program that is unused to walking into a foreign, angry fanbase 100,000+ strong and hell bent on turning the tide of 12 Years a Knave, bestowed upon us by their dark lord of a head coach in the first place. I don’t expect Bama to cringe or crumple under the pressure, but I do expect them to be at an inherent disadvantage. I also don’t expect to see many Alabama fans in attendance, simply because most of them have to work in the service industry on weekends and these tickets and Austin travel are also quite expensive for a base of largely minimum wage workers.

Also, we’re fucking due. Storied programs are forged and burnished by deliverance when the spotlight and sun burn brightest. Our time for ascension is here, goddammit, and it is long overdue time for Nick Saban and his waterheaded following of fucktards to go to hell and give the rest of college football some fucking space to breathe.

I believe the great Texas freedom fighter Davey Crockett said it best, specifically thinking about the cowering brethren he was leaving behind as he headed out when he said: “Alabama Fans and the rest of these God forsaken SEC mouthbreathers can actually all go to hell. As for us, we’re going with Texas – 34-31. “

Hook’em

 

CTJ, please nail this to the door of the closest church. Denomination is irrelevant. Let a new age begin!

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Nivek

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Nebraska has a 48 home game win streak, 47 home game win streak…. Nobody (ooc) comes into the shoe at night and leaves with a win…. But this is USC….Texas plays in the b12 and they haven’t faced a defense like Georgia………

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closetojumping

closetojumping 62567

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37 minutes ago, Vertigo said:

The thing that has me a little more bullish than normal is the fact that multiple people have reported that Patterson has been working on scheming this game for months, the same way he used to scheme for Texas for months every year. Those guys beat us repeatedly when they had no business doing so, and my hope is that he can pull another rabbit out of the hat on Saturday. Sark said in his presser on Monday that his offensive game plan was done a few months ago. That means they spent quite a bit of time over the summer on this game. I expect the score to be much closer than expected, although I still have a hard time believing we get an outright win without Bama repeatedly stepping on their dicks like they did at Kyle Field last year. Two true freshman on the OLine, a trueish freshman QB in game 2, and a bunch of other true freshmen in the 2 deep. It would be a monster upset. They are not as good on the road, it is an 11AM kick, and it should be hot as shit. We have a punchers chance. 

Your comment on weather reminds me that I left that point out from the original post in order to keep the post somewhere between "tl;dr" and unwieldy.  The weather this weekend will also provide a slight advantage to Texas. 

Now, I realize that that comment will inspire a bunch of Cliff Clavin dipshits to show up and tell me that the weather in Tuscaloosa is largely the same as Austin during the summer. That's normally an accurate assessment, but that's also what someone would say who isn't involved with weather patterns for their job's sake. This has been an extremely wet and mild summer from east Texas to the Florida coast, the state of Alabama absolutely included. They've been practicing in mid-high 80's weather all August, lately with some days dipping into the 70's for highs. Their June was hotter than July and their July was hotter than August. Compare that to 100's for much of the summer and 90's for August in Austin. Tuscaloosa didn't have a single day above 100 degrees if memory serves, and not many even near it.

On Saturday, the forecast has it around 83 degrees at kickoff with high humidity and no wind, and up to 88 by the 4th quarter. Those are awesome conditions if you're Texas, and they're a flashback to early August if you're Alabama. 

The other thing associated to weather is that Bama frequently plays a neutral site non-conference game against a team from much more mild weather conditions inside a dome. For Alabama players, that change in scenery and breathing conditions is like a steroid boost on gameday. For the opponent, it's usually not doing anything to change their disposition. Saturday offers the inverse of this experience for Alabama and its opponent. They'd better be prepped for that on the medical and nutrition side accordingly. 

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BrazilHorn

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I subscribe to this newsletter.

I don't think either team was remotely tested in the first game of the season, Bama has all of the pressure on them as they are hearing non-stop how they would have beat like 12 NFL teams last year etc etc

The Longhorns can play loose, have fun and just go out there and fucking ball.

Will be fun.

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Hammerin Hank

Hammerin Hank 1225

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18 minutes ago, closetojumping said:

Your comment on weather reminds me that I left that point out from the original post in order to keep the post somewhere between "tl;dr" and unwieldy.  The weather this weekend will also provide a slight advantage to Texas. 

Now, I realize that that comment will inspire a bunch of Cliff Clavin dipshits to show up and tell me that the weather in Tuscaloosa is largely the same as Austin during the summer. That's normally an accurate assessment, but that's also what someone would say who isn't involved with weather patterns for their job's sake. This has been an extremely wet and mild summer from east Texas to the Florida coast, the state of Alabama absolutely included. They've been practicing in mid-high 80's weather all August, lately with some days dipping into the 70's for highs. Their June was hotter than July and their July was hotter than August. Compare that to 100's for much of the summer and 90's for August in Austin. Tuscaloosa didn't have a single day above 100 degrees if memory serves, and not many even near it.

On Saturday, the forecast has it around 83 degrees at kickoff with high humidity and no wind, and up to 88 by the 4th quarter. Those are awesome conditions if you're Texas, and they're a flashback to early August if you're Alabama. 

The other thing associated to weather is that Bama frequently plays a neutral site non-conference game against a team from much more mild weather conditions inside a dome. For Alabama players, that change in scenery and breathing conditions is like a steroid boost on gameday. For the opponent, it's usually not doing anything to change their disposition. Saturday offers the inverse of this experience for Alabama and its opponent. They'd better be prepped for that on the medical and nutrition side accordingly. 

Sounds like we’ll see a lot of “cramping” anytime we get the offense rolling 

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burdine

burdine 522

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29 minutes ago, closetojumping said:

Your comment on weather reminds me that I left that point out from the original post in order to keep the post somewhere between "tl;dr" and unwieldy.  The weather this weekend will also provide a slight advantage to Texas. 

Now, I realize that that comment will inspire a bunch of Cliff Clavin dipshits to show up and tell me that the weather in Tuscaloosa is largely the same as Austin during the summer. That's normally an accurate assessment, but that's also what someone would say who isn't involved with weather patterns for their job's sake. This has been an extremely wet and mild summer from east Texas to the Florida coast, the state of Alabama absolutely included. They've been practicing in mid-high 80's weather all August, lately with some days dipping into the 70's for highs. Their June was hotter than July and their July was hotter than August. Compare that to 100's for much of the summer and 90's for August in Austin. Tuscaloosa didn't have a single day above 100 degrees if memory serves, and not many even near it.

On Saturday, the forecast has it around 83 degrees at kickoff with high humidity and no wind, and up to 88 by the 4th quarter. Those are awesome conditions if you're Texas, and they're a flashback to early August if you're Alabama. 

The other thing associated to weather is that Bama frequently plays a neutral site non-conference game against a team from much more mild weather conditions inside a dome. For Alabama players, that change in scenery and breathing conditions is like a steroid boost on gameday. For the opponent, it's usually not doing anything to change their disposition. Saturday offers the inverse of this experience for Alabama and its opponent. They'd better be prepped for that on the medical and nutrition side accordingly. 

+1 for accurate weather smack.  Heat has been centered in the middle of the country this summer.

 

Advantage:  Texas!

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