Official 2022 Bitch about Family - Holiday Insanity

[SHOOTER12 8800]

1 hour ago, GhostOfTomJoad said:

OK some evil elf just flipped the "go ballistic over insignificant shit for no reason" switch on Mrs GOTJ in the 45 minutes it took her to shower & get ready. Even though this is going to be a super chill xmas eve with her 23 y.o. niece (no pics) and 20 y.o nephew who are just happy to get a break from visiting their overbearing mom for a few hours (dad's in FL and is pretty non-existent in their lives), she's all of a sudden worried that things aren't "right." In the past 15 minutes I've been instructed to:

 

• rearrange the pillows and throws on the sofa 3 times. None of my attempts were to her liking so she finally took over and moved them an imperceptible amount.
• put their gifts in gift bags. What were the odds that out of the 3 dozen gift bags she keeps I picked the exact two that were not just wrong but threatened to ruin their xmas? She's putting them in the proper bags as I type this.
• been sniped at for wearing a polo shirt. "How can you be wearing a short sleeve shirt? It's freezing outside!" "Well, we're inside a warm house with a lovely fire going and you know, I grew up in Minnesota and always run warmer so...I'm comfortable?" Tone. Definitely tone.
• I cleaned the kitchen and bathrooms yesterday, dusted and vacuumed, emptied the dishwasher this morning but SOMETHING is not right & she's mortified that two twenty somethings who are just looking forward to a laid back time with mimosas, good food and shooting the shit with their cool funcle are suddenly going to be evaluating the house like Martha Stewart in search of a speck of dust.

I told her a few minutes ago to relax and why not throw some Bailey's in her coffee? Got the look followed by "you're not helping" by apparently being happy and relaxed. Welp, it was a fun dream while it lasted.

Same fucking elf hit our house last night. Couldn't figure out why I getting dirty looks from Mrs Shooter at dinner.

This morning I found out why.... my Doritos were making too much noise when I ate them. "No one wants to hear that shit".

[Hpara759 1778]

this thread is picking up steam....

[Grade of D as in David 13253]

9 minutes ago, SHOOTER12 said:

Same fucking elf hit our house last night. Couldn't figure out why I getting dirty looks from Mrs Shooter at dinner.

This morning I found out why.... my Doritos were making too much noise when I ate them. "No one wants to hear that shit".

Tell her she's breathing too loud

[Telegraph_it 3357]

I booked my wife a manicure or pedicure or something that lasts 90 minutes and prepaid with appointment so she has to go today. Finally going to get some work done while the kids are napping. 
 

edit: I know why she is pissy besides being pregnant. We are hosting my family. That’s always problematic. 

Edited December 24, 2022 by Telegraph_it

[Kennythetiger 9376]

30 minutes ago, SHOOTER12 said:

Same fucking elf hit our house last night. Couldn't figure out why I getting dirty looks from Mrs Shooter at dinner.

This morning I found out why.... my Doritos were making too much noise when I ate them. "No one wants to hear that shit".

Well, she’s correct. And they stink, too. 

[usmc0331horn 953]

Well in the past year my stepdad dropped dead of a heart attack the week before last Christmas, my partner's Aunt who she is closest to committed suicide and her cousin died of a fentanyl overdose the day before Thanksgiving. We dgaf this Christmas season and got each other all kinds of stuff like a record player, an apple watch, airpods and an electric guitar and amp among many other things. We also already opened most of our presents cause fuck it. I'm going to San Antonio to meet much of her extended well to do latino family for the first time and am actually pretty excited. Her family is really cool and easy to get along with so I'm looking forward to having drinks and enjoying time with what is now my family. After Xmas we are meeting my siblings in Bartlesville, OK for my Dad's 78th birthday. He and my wicked stepmom aren't doing well at all and this might be the last time I ever see him tbh. I have a feeling he's got a year or two left but it'll be nice to see him and my brothers and sisters. Fingers crossed it goes well because my sister Laura is batshit crazy and bipolar.

[MissingInAction 25032]

Friend invited me out to her extended family's annual Xmas party again this year. There will be brisket, pork butt, and I'm making barracho beans. 

There's potential drama with her bat shit crazy alcoholic homeless sister showing up. Otherwise should be a pleasant day of great food and conversation. 

[Kennythetiger 9376]

2 hours ago, Covri said:

I mean technically she did allow it to stop. If your mom is like most moms if she wanted presents to be exchanged still she would have guilted all of you into continuing.

I have two siblings. Neither my brother nor I have any kids, so our nieces get spoiled well. We decided that buying stuff for the kids was much more enjoyable than trading gift cards back and forth. 
I have a great family. The only time we’ve had anything awkward happen was one year when my dear sweet mom, at the Christmas dinner table, announced that in lieu of opening gifts, we were going to pass around a dish, wherein we could place a cash donation to a charity. 
My sister took my mom in the kitchen, there was a hushed conversation, and the dish was never passed. 

[GoPokes83 2240]

My wife’s POS sister ( an actual, will blow dudes for cash prostitute, believe me you don’t want a picture) called out my wife after Thanksgiving saying that two of her grandchildren don’t like my autistic daughter and she doesn’t approve of the way my wife’s way of raising her and they all refuse to be around my kid. (Never mind that during T-giving all the kids had a blast together and the two mentioned asked me if f they could spend the weekend at our house. ) Anyway, POS SIL talked to every woman in the family, and caused a serious rift between everyone. My in-laws know what a waste of humanity this woman is, she’s stolen from them and swindled them to the point her mother hides her purse if she knows she’s coming, but will still take her side and put up with her shit, I’m guessing because even though she’s 60 they still hold out hope she’ll somehow get hit by lightning or something and that will make her turn things around. So we’re spending Christmas at the beach without family. There are a ton of old derelicts, drunks, and pot heads without family that have washed up here over the decades and we’re asking a bunch of them over for a big dinner.

[40acredropout 2902]

Hoping spoiling this keeps it from being google searchable.  Sharing this with non Surly friends because they always enjoy hearing my family updates.

Spoiler

My dad's family is like the West Texas recast of Hillbilly Elegy.  Of his 9 siblings and their families, 2 or 3 are what I would consider well-adjusted, healthy and functioning.  The rest?  Some combination of socially awkward, poor, deadbeat, addicted, conspiracy theory shit posting, philandering / serial divorcing, etc, etc, etc.  To make it interesting, they all pretty much still live within an hour's drive from each other in the panhandle.

One of dad's sisters and her husband are great (Cool Aunt and Uncle).  Both educators and super normal relative to the rest of the family.  Their three sons (Cool Cousins) are around my age and have all moved off and done well for themselves and are a good time.  Of my ~30 cousins, they're the only ones I communicate with on regular basis.  Half of our texts revolve around the latest family drama which is never surprising but always entertaining.  They are back home for the weekend and will be my eyes/ears tonight.

Cool Aunt and Uncle are sweet people so they put up with more shit than I would ever have the patience for.  Tonight they're hosting a small Christmas Eve dinner.  Let me set the stage with the highlights of the potential guest list:

• Meh Aunt and Uncle.  They're probably 3rd or 4th in my power rankings of aunt/uncle pairs by virtue of merely not being total deadbeats.  They're nice enough but both get up every 15 minutes for smoke break and Meh Uncle always kinda just gets quiet after you don't notice him polishing off his 20th beer.  To me, they're fine.  And live about 500 feet down the street from Cool Aunt and Uncle so they see each other quite a bit.
• Meh Girl Cousin.  Daughter of above.  Pushing 40.  She got knocked up at about 20 and then married the baby daddy who ended up being a drug addict who couldn't hold a job and tried making a living playing poker.  Shockingly it didn't go well and as far as I know, his parents have supported him financially since.  They split pretty early on and she stayed in town to raise her daughter.  They never officially divorced but were separated for most of the daughter's life.  Few years back, Cool Uncle on dog walks started noticing unknown cars at Meh Girl Cousin's rental house (where her and the then high school aged daughter lived) late at night.  After a little investigation, turned out Meh Girl Cousin had met some dude online who lived 4-5 hours away.  She would drive and stay with him days at a time, leaving the daughter unattended.  Naturally, the cars were those of boys or other high school kids coming over to party.  Upon meeting Meh Girl Cousin's online boyfriend for first time, my Cool Cousins told me they thought the guy seemed sketchy / something was off.  Cool Aunt and Uncle agreed and tried to sit Meh Girl Cousin down to discuss this and also to explain how she needed to be a better mother to which they were told to mind their own damn business.  That was about two years ago and they didn't see much of each other until recently when Meh Girl Cousin approached Cool Aunt and Uncle and asked them why they didn't warn her about the online boyfriend.  Turns out he was a total creep and worse, physically abusive to his kids (and presumably her).  She dumped him and is now back together and living with her original baby daddy and they have an interesting choice of a roommate...more to come.
• Meh Boy Cousin.  Brother of above and son of Meh Aunt and Uncle.  He's relatively normal and functioning by our family's standard but he is about ten years older than me so we were never that close.  He also lives in same town as all of the above.  He was married to a woman for probably 10-15 years but they divorced in last couple of years.  I actually don't even know the particulars on the divorce but that probably just means the messy details didn't clear the very high hurdle of dysfunction required for something from this family to stand out.   I could probably talk about the ex and her now ~20 year old son from a previous marriage but it's mostly besides the point.  What is worth mentioning, however, is the ex is now the said roommate of Meh Girl Cousin and her baby daddy.  As a result, unsurprisingly, the two Meh Cousins aren't on speaking terms.  But apparently the ex is coming to dinner with Meh Girl Cousin and her old piece of shit baby daddy.
• Boss Aunt.  The oldest of all the siblings and hands down the most successful financially.  Definitely the matriarch of the family.  I don't know how many family mooches she has bankrolled / enabled over the years.  That said, she's a really impressive individual and I like her a lot.  She's a better person than me because she tries to hold the entire family together.  I guess that's a good attribute but it's also kind of a problem when you don't want the deplorables showing up to a get together.  If Boss Aunt gets an invite, so does her son...
• Deadbeat.  He makes Joe Dirt look like a polished aristocrat.  You could fill a library with stories about this guy.  Dude has never held a job.  Been in and out of prison.  Alcoholic, meth addict, I don't even know what else.  Makes your skin crawl when he's around.  At one point was dating a known prostitute who he would bring to family functions and I'm guessing he was pimping out.  She's gone but he usually has a new interesting creature on his arm.  Nobody would associate with him if it weren't for Boss Aunt keeping him around / dragging him to stuff.  Which.... yes, Boss Aunt apparently informally extended the dinner invite tonight to Deadbeat.  And Deadbeat's son...
• Deadbeat 2.0.  The apple doesn't far fall from the tree.  My first cousin, once removed, only a few years younger.  Kid managed to drop out between senior prom and graduation and marry his prom date in the same year.  They spent their honeymoon at a waterpark in OKC where they split a room with his bride's mom, sister, and sister's two kids.  They've since divorced and to me and the Cool Cousins delight, constantly posts cheesy/dramatic/cringe TikTok's about how over his ex he is and how he's living his best life.  Like his dad, he has a new job every couple of months.  Current job is servicing porta-potties.  I don't want to pile on because I know the kid never had a chance.  Him and his dad have had plenty of beef in the past, including a straight up brawl at a family get together.  As far as I know, they're currently not talking.  Plot twist though... Deadbeat 2.0 is currently shacking with one of Deadbeat's former skank lot lizard ladies.  What that relationship looks like?  I have no fucking idea and don't really want to think about it.

That sets the stage.  Meh Aunt and Uncle and Meh Cousins are confirmed.  Meh Boy Cousin's ex wife is also confirmed.  Boss Aunt confirmed, whether or not Deadbeat and Deadbeat 2.0 actually show up is anybody's guess.  It's unclear to me (and Cool Cousins) if they all know the others are invited / coming.  

Thank God I will be nowhere close to this shit.  Equally thankful that the Cool Cousins are forced into being there and will be able to provide updates.  Should be good.

It's hard for even me to believe this shit is real. 

Edited December 24, 2022 by 40acredropout

[40acredropout 2902]

51 minutes ago, MissingInAction said:

Friend invited me out to her extended family's annual Xmas party again this year. There will be brisket, pork butt, and I'm making barracho beans. 

Eat that shit up dude.

[SHOOTER12 8800]

1 hour ago, Grade of D as in David said:

Tell her she's breathing too loud

I'm beginning to find that her breathing at all bothers me. 

[ABSR 5309]

1 hour ago, GoPokes83 said:

My wife’s POS sister ( an actual, will blow dudes for cash prostitute, believe me you don’t want a picture) called out my wife after Thanksgiving saying that two of her grandchildren don’t like my autistic daughter and she doesn’t approve of the way my wife’s way of raising her and they all refuse to be around my kid. (Never mind that during T-giving all the kids had a blast together and the two mentioned asked me if f they could spend the weekend at our house. ) Anyway, POS SIL talked to every woman in the family, and caused a serious rift between everyone. My in-laws know what a waste of humanity this woman is, she’s stolen from them and swindled them to the point her mother hides her purse if she knows she’s coming, but will still take her side and put up with her shit, I’m guessing because even though she’s 60 they still hold out hope she’ll somehow get hit by lightning or something and that will make her turn things around. So we’re spending Christmas at the beach without family. There are a ton of old derelicts, drunks, and pot heads without family that have washed up here over the decades and we’re asking a bunch of them over for a big dinner.

If you are having a Surly gathering, why was I not invited?

[ztejas 43418]

12 minutes ago, ABSR said:

If you are having a Surly gathering, why was I not invited?

Hey.

Some of us still have family. 

[Parliament 14254]

1 hour ago, 40acredropout said:

Hoping spoiling this keeps it from being google searchable.  Sharing this with non Surly friends because they always enjoy hearing my family updates.

  Hide contents

My dad's family is like the West Texas recast of Hillbilly Elegy.  Of his 9 siblings and their families, 2 or 3 are what I would consider well-adjusted, healthy and functioning.  The rest?  Some combination of socially awkward, poor, deadbeat, addicted, conspiracy theory shit posting, philandering / serial divorcing, etc, etc, etc.  To make it interesting, they all pretty much still live within an hour's drive from each other in the panhandle.

One of dad's sisters and her husband are great (Cool Aunt and Uncle).  Both educators and super normal relative to the rest of the family.  Their three sons (Cool Cousins) are around my age and have all moved off and done well for themselves and are a good time.  Of my ~30 cousins, they're the only ones I communicate with on regular basis.  Half of our texts revolve around the latest family drama which is never surprising but always entertaining.  They are back home for the weekend and will be my eyes/ears tonight.

Cool Aunt and Uncle are sweet people so they put up with more shit than I would ever have the patience for.  Tonight they're hosting a small Christmas Eve dinner.  Let me set the stage with the highlights of the potential guest list:

• Meh Aunt and Uncle.  They're probably 3rd or 4th in my power rankings of aunt/uncle pairs by virtue of merely not being total deadbeats.  They're nice enough but both get up every 15 minutes for smoke break and Meh Uncle always kinda just gets quiet after you don't notice him polishing off his 20th beer.  To me, they're fine.  And live about 500 feet down the street from Cool Aunt and Uncle so they see each other quite a bit.
• Meh Girl Cousin.  Daughter of above.  Pushing 40.  She got knocked up at about 20 and then married the baby daddy who ended up being a drug addict who couldn't hold a job and tried making a living playing poker.  Shockingly it didn't go well and as far as I know, his parents have supported him financially since.  They split pretty early on and she stayed in town to raise her daughter.  They never officially divorced but were separated for most of the daughter's life.  Few years back, Cool Uncle on dog walks started noticing unknown cars at Meh Girl Cousin's rental house (where her and the then high school aged daughter lived) late at night.  After a little investigation, turned out Meh Girl Cousin had met some dude online who lived 4-5 hours away.  She would drive and stay with him days at a time, leaving the daughter unattended.  Naturally, the cars were those of boys or other high school kids coming over to party.  Upon meeting Meh Girl Cousin's online boyfriend for first time, my Cool Cousins told me they thought the guy seemed sketchy / something was off.  Cool Aunt and Uncle agreed and tried to sit Meh Girl Cousin down to discuss this and also to explain how she needed to be a better mother to which they were told to mind their own damn business.  That was about two years ago and they didn't see much of each other until recently when Meh Girl Cousin approached Cool Aunt and Uncle and asked them why they didn't warn her about the online boyfriend.  Turns out he was a total creep and worse, physically abusive to his kids (and presumably her).  She dumped him and is now back together and living with her original baby daddy and they have an interesting choice of a roommate...more to come.
• Meh Boy Cousin.  Brother of above and son of Meh Aunt and Uncle.  He's relatively normal and functioning by our family's standard but he is about ten years older than me so we were never that close.  He also lives in same town as all of the above.  He was married to a woman for probably 10-15 years but they divorced in last couple of years.  I actually don't even know the particulars on the divorce but that probably just means the messy details didn't clear the very high hurdle of dysfunction required for something from this family to stand out.   I could probably talk about the ex and her now ~20 year old son from a previous marriage but it's mostly besides the point.  What is worth mentioning, however, is the ex is now the said roommate of Meh Girl Cousin and her baby daddy.  As a result, unsurprisingly, the two Meh Cousins aren't on speaking terms.  But apparently the ex is coming to dinner with Meh Girl Cousin and her old piece of shit baby daddy.
• Boss Aunt.  The oldest of all the siblings and hands down the most successful financially.  Definitely the matriarch of the family.  I don't know how many family mooches she has bankrolled / enabled over the years.  That said, she's a really impressive individual and I like her a lot.  She's a better person than me because she tries to hold the entire family together.  I guess that's a good attribute but it's also kind of a problem when you don't want the deplorables showing up to a get together.  If Boss Aunt gets an invite, so does her son...
• Deadbeat.  He makes Joe Dirt look like a polished aristocrat.  You could fill a library with stories about this guy.  Dude has never held a job.  Been in and out of prison.  Alcoholic, meth addict, I don't even know what else.  Makes your skin crawl when he's around.  At one point was dating a known prostitute who he would bring to family functions and I'm guessing he was pimping out.  She's gone but he usually has a new interesting creature on his arm.  Nobody would associate with him if it weren't for Boss Aunt keeping him around / dragging him to stuff.  Which.... yes, Boss Aunt apparently informally extended the dinner invite tonight to Deadbeat.  And Deadbeat's son...
• Deadbeat 2.0.  The apple doesn't far fall from the tree.  My first cousin, once removed, only a few years younger.  Kid managed to drop out between senior prom and graduation and marry his prom date in the same year.  They spent their honeymoon at a waterpark in OKC where they split a room with his bride's mom, sister, and sister's two kids.  They've since divorced and to me and the Cool Cousins delight, constantly posts cheesy/dramatic/cringe TikTok's about how over his ex he is and how he's living his best life.  Like his dad, he has a new job every couple of months.  Current job is servicing porta-potties.  I don't want to pile on because I know the kid never had a chance.  Him and his dad have had plenty of beef in the past, including a straight up brawl at a family get together.  As far as I know, they're currently not talking.  Plot twist though... Deadbeat 2.0 is currently shacking with one of Deadbeat's former skank lot lizard ladies.  What that relationship looks like?  I have no fucking idea and don't really want to think about it.

That sets the stage.  Meh Aunt and Uncle and Meh Cousins are confirmed.  Meh Boy Cousin's ex wife is also confirmed.  Boss Aunt confirmed, whether or not Deadbeat and Deadbeat 2.0 actually show up is anybody's guess.  It's unclear to me (and Cool Cousins) if they all know the others are invited / coming.  

Thank God I will be nowhere close to this shit.  Equally thankful that the Cool Cousins are forced into being there and will be able to provide updates.  Should be good.

It's hard for even me to believe this shit is real. 

You're making that all up...right?

[cactusflinthead 27598]

@40acredropout with a scrong to very scrong entry.

It reminds me of this. 

 

Edited December 24, 2022 by cactusflinthead

[royiv 9283]

7 hours ago, Longboard Horn said:

Apparently I also get to meet stepbrother's new GF. Hopefully this one is better than the last one he had. Rant over. 

Get to the house early enough and you might get to see more of her. If so, take pics and report back.

[LTbear 4168]

5 hours ago, GhostOfTomJoad said:

OK some evil elf just flipped the "go ballistic over insignificant shit for no reason" switch on Mrs GOTJ in the 45 minutes it took her to shower & get ready. Even though this is going to be a super chill xmas eve with her 23 y.o. niece (no pics) and 20 y.o nephew who are just happy to get a break from visiting their overbearing mom for a few hours (dad's in FL and is pretty non-existent in their lives), she's all of a sudden worried that things aren't "right." In the past 15 minutes I've been instructed to:

 

• rearrange the pillows and throws on the sofa 3 times. None of my attempts were to her liking so she finally took over and moved them an imperceptible amount.
• put their gifts in gift bags. What were the odds that out of the 3 dozen gift bags she keeps I picked the exact two that were not just wrong but threatened to ruin their xmas? She's putting them in the proper bags as I type this.
• been sniped at for wearing a polo shirt. "How can you be wearing a short sleeve shirt? It's freezing outside!" "Well, we're inside a warm house with a lovely fire going and you know, I grew up in Minnesota and always run warmer so...I'm comfortable?" Tone. Definitely tone.
• I cleaned the kitchen and bathrooms yesterday, dusted and vacuumed, emptied the dishwasher this morning but SOMETHING is not right & she's mortified that two twenty somethings who are just looking forward to a laid back time with mimosas, good food and shooting the shit with their cool funcle are suddenly going to be evaluating the house like Martha Stewart in search of a speck of dust.

I told her a few minutes ago to relax and why not throw some Bailey's in her coffee? Got the look followed by "you're not helping" by apparently being happy and relaxed. Welp, it was a fun dream while it lasted.

Some of y'all deal with marriages that I'd end after two weeks.

[Longhornstampede 3181]

3 hours ago, 40acredropout said:

Hoping spoiling this keeps it from being google searchable.  Sharing this with non Surly friends because they always enjoy hearing my family updates.

  Hide contents

My dad's family is like the West Texas recast of Hillbilly Elegy.  Of his 9 siblings and their families, 2 or 3 are what I would consider well-adjusted, healthy and functioning.  The rest?  Some combination of socially awkward, poor, deadbeat, addicted, conspiracy theory shit posting, philandering / serial divorcing, etc, etc, etc.  To make it interesting, they all pretty much still live within an hour's drive from each other in the panhandle.

One of dad's sisters and her husband are great (Cool Aunt and Uncle).  Both educators and super normal relative to the rest of the family.  Their three sons (Cool Cousins) are around my age and have all moved off and done well for themselves and are a good time.  Of my ~30 cousins, they're the only ones I communicate with on regular basis.  Half of our texts revolve around the latest family drama which is never surprising but always entertaining.  They are back home for the weekend and will be my eyes/ears tonight.

Cool Aunt and Uncle are sweet people so they put up with more shit than I would ever have the patience for.  Tonight they're hosting a small Christmas Eve dinner.  Let me set the stage with the highlights of the potential guest list:

• Meh Aunt and Uncle.  They're probably 3rd or 4th in my power rankings of aunt/uncle pairs by virtue of merely not being total deadbeats.  They're nice enough but both get up every 15 minutes for smoke break and Meh Uncle always kinda just gets quiet after you don't notice him polishing off his 20th beer.  To me, they're fine.  And live about 500 feet down the street from Cool Aunt and Uncle so they see each other quite a bit.
• Meh Girl Cousin.  Daughter of above.  Pushing 40.  She got knocked up at about 20 and then married the baby daddy who ended up being a drug addict who couldn't hold a job and tried making a living playing poker.  Shockingly it didn't go well and as far as I know, his parents have supported him financially since.  They split pretty early on and she stayed in town to raise her daughter.  They never officially divorced but were separated for most of the daughter's life.  Few years back, Cool Uncle on dog walks started noticing unknown cars at Meh Girl Cousin's rental house (where her and the then high school aged daughter lived) late at night.  After a little investigation, turned out Meh Girl Cousin had met some dude online who lived 4-5 hours away.  She would drive and stay with him days at a time, leaving the daughter unattended.  Naturally, the cars were those of boys or other high school kids coming over to party.  Upon meeting Meh Girl Cousin's online boyfriend for first time, my Cool Cousins told me they thought the guy seemed sketchy / something was off.  Cool Aunt and Uncle agreed and tried to sit Meh Girl Cousin down to discuss this and also to explain how she needed to be a better mother to which they were told to mind their own damn business.  That was about two years ago and they didn't see much of each other until recently when Meh Girl Cousin approached Cool Aunt and Uncle and asked them why they didn't warn her about the online boyfriend.  Turns out he was a total creep and worse, physically abusive to his kids (and presumably her).  She dumped him and is now back together and living with her original baby daddy and they have an interesting choice of a roommate...more to come.
• Meh Boy Cousin.  Brother of above and son of Meh Aunt and Uncle.  He's relatively normal and functioning by our family's standard but he is about ten years older than me so we were never that close.  He also lives in same town as all of the above.  He was married to a woman for probably 10-15 years but they divorced in last couple of years.  I actually don't even know the particulars on the divorce but that probably just means the messy details didn't clear the very high hurdle of dysfunction required for something from this family to stand out.   I could probably talk about the ex and her now ~20 year old son from a previous marriage but it's mostly besides the point.  What is worth mentioning, however, is the ex is now the said roommate of Meh Girl Cousin and her baby daddy.  As a result, unsurprisingly, the two Meh Cousins aren't on speaking terms.  But apparently the ex is coming to dinner with Meh Girl Cousin and her old piece of shit baby daddy.
• Boss Aunt.  The oldest of all the siblings and hands down the most successful financially.  Definitely the matriarch of the family.  I don't know how many family mooches she has bankrolled / enabled over the years.  That said, she's a really impressive individual and I like her a lot.  She's a better person than me because she tries to hold the entire family together.  I guess that's a good attribute but it's also kind of a problem when you don't want the deplorables showing up to a get together.  If Boss Aunt gets an invite, so does her son...
• Deadbeat.  He makes Joe Dirt look like a polished aristocrat.  You could fill a library with stories about this guy.  Dude has never held a job.  Been in and out of prison.  Alcoholic, meth addict, I don't even know what else.  Makes your skin crawl when he's around.  At one point was dating a known prostitute who he would bring to family functions and I'm guessing he was pimping out.  She's gone but he usually has a new interesting creature on his arm.  Nobody would associate with him if it weren't for Boss Aunt keeping him around / dragging him to stuff.  Which.... yes, Boss Aunt apparently informally extended the dinner invite tonight to Deadbeat.  And Deadbeat's son...
• Deadbeat 2.0.  The apple doesn't far fall from the tree.  My first cousin, once removed, only a few years younger.  Kid managed to drop out between senior prom and graduation and marry his prom date in the same year.  They spent their honeymoon at a waterpark in OKC where they split a room with his bride's mom, sister, and sister's two kids.  They've since divorced and to me and the Cool Cousins delight, constantly posts cheesy/dramatic/cringe TikTok's about how over his ex he is and how he's living his best life.  Like his dad, he has a new job every couple of months.  Current job is servicing porta-potties.  I don't want to pile on because I know the kid never had a chance.  Him and his dad have had plenty of beef in the past, including a straight up brawl at a family get together.  As far as I know, they're currently not talking.  Plot twist though... Deadbeat 2.0 is currently shacking with one of Deadbeat's former skank lot lizard ladies.  What that relationship looks like?  I have no fucking idea and don't really want to think about it.

That sets the stage.  Meh Aunt and Uncle and Meh Cousins are confirmed.  Meh Boy Cousin's ex wife is also confirmed.  Boss Aunt confirmed, whether or not Deadbeat and Deadbeat 2.0 actually show up is anybody's guess.  It's unclear to me (and Cool Cousins) if they all know the others are invited / coming.  

Thank God I will be nowhere close to this shit.  Equally thankful that the Cool Cousins are forced into being there and will be able to provide updates.  Should be good.

It's hard for even me to believe this shit is real. 

Sounds like a Casey Donahue song...

[GhostOfTomJoad 9324]

@40acredropout is giving @pearlandhorn a run for the gold. Bravo?

[Gil Bang 25934]

14 hours ago, YGIFS said:

sorry to hear that man.  I woke up early today and was thinking about family, those I'll see today, those I haven't seen in awhile, and those I'll never see again.  What you're feeling is totally normal and nothing we say can assuage your feelings.  But you're where you are safely, with your children, and your grandfather, and it's Christmas Eve.  That's more than most people get.  if it's open to visitors today, go see him again and tell him about a Christmas memory you have of him from way, way long ago.  And then repeat the same story to your two little ones.  Embellish it a little even, no harm.  What I wouldn't give to say 'Merry Christmas' one more time to some bygone blood.  Best to you and yours.  

Kids,  your Gramps had a really big cock

10 hours ago, Longboard Horn said:

King I'm packing a full arsenal. I got Crown, Jack, Polo Assn Gin and Capt. Morgan. 

Is  Gia the monkey involved? 

[That Guy 955]

Wife lost her shit earlier because Christmas Eve wasn’t going perfectly and eventually went to church alone for Christmas caroling. Boys and I stayed home to fry up dinner. I cracked a bottle of ecbp and don’t plan on stopping. Just hoping to get gifts in bags before I fall asleep. God’s speed gents 

[Armybrat 40832]

11 hours ago, Longboard Horn said:

Someone's sleeping on the couch tonight. You and Santa can split the milk and cookies. 

 

[Longboard Horn 40301]

Mom and some of her family automatically assume that I am showing up early to cook tomorrow. I’m not even the host and they’re wanting me to do most of the work that the host, my stepbrother, should be doing. I put my foot down on that and said, “you don’t invite someone over and make them do the majority of the work. I’m a guest, I’m just supposed to show up and enjoy myself. Y’all got me fucked up with that.” 
This is me tomorrow. 

[Parliament 14254]

I stay with my sister (no pics) and her family in Ohio.  Good people for sure, but kinda boring.  And cheap.  They don't have cable or Hulu or anything.  Only bunny ear channel they get tonight is CBS.  So we watched the Maria Carrie Xmas special.  Shoot me.  Shoot me now.

[Guest]

10 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

Here's what actually happened:

With one minute left in the game, she walked by and stopped about a foot from the TV and asked, "Who's playin'?"

I didn't even answer her because at the time, the screen was showing the big score strip that said "Wake Forest 27 Missouri 17."  

She stopped for a second and stared at it, then said, "Oh, Missour-ah's losing.  I don't like that!" and continued walking to the kitchen.  I shook my head and resisted the urge to ask her who Missouri's head coach is.

3:30 service for church today.  Pastor starts out by apologizing to Cowboy fans.

Wife elbows me and says, "Oh, now I know why you wanted to go to the 1 o'clock service."

FML.  My boys, DIL, and grandbaby are in town, so I am on cloud nine, regardless.  It was still COMPLETELY doable, but fuck no, they insisted upon 3:30...

It has been an awesome week already, so I am bitching zero percent.   Still could have gone to that 1 o'clock motherfucker though, no sweat.

[Armybrat 40832]

10 hours ago, ztejas said:

I told you. 

I've vaped delta 8 and didn't love it. I've heard the gummies pack a better punch, though. 

Threw away an unopened pack and one 3/4 full of Delta 8 gummies a couple of weeks ago. We tried them (1/4 piece first, then 1/2, lastly a whole one) and just got sick the last round. Awful shit.

[Telegraph_it 3357]

5 hours ago, LTbear said:

Some of y'all deal with marriages that I'd end after two weeks.

That’s why they wait until year 3 through 6 to start some of this shit. 

[Mach 1 1677]

15 minutes ago, Telegraph_it said:

That’s why they wait until year 13 through 16 to start some of this shit. 

Financials and kids.

Edited December 25, 2022 by Mach 1
On phone can’t figure out strikeout. You get the point.

[luke duke 6412]

Friend invited me out to her extended family's annual Xmas party again this year. There will be brisket, pork butt, and I'm making barracho beans. 
There's potential drama with her bat shit crazy alcoholic homeless sister showing up. Otherwise should be a pleasant day of great food and conversation. 

*borracho

[40acredropout 2902]

57 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

Threw away an unopened pack and one 3/4 full of Delta 8 gummies a couple of weeks ago. We tried them (1/4 piece first, then 1/2, lastly a whole one) and just got sick the last round. Awful shit.

@ztejas and @Armybrat shooting the shit about their experience w different weed strands is not something I had on my surly bingo card.

[luke duke 6412]

My in-laws have more money than they will spend in their lifetime. Their dishwasher hasn’t worked for years. Every time we come over here my MIL spends half the time bitching about how much time she spends doing dishes (we all help).

[LTbear 4168]

1 hour ago, Telegraph_it said:

That’s why they wait until year 3 through 6 to start some of this shit. 

I'm in year 9 and would absolutely bail if she started that bullshit now 

[Beau Vine 54210]

1 hour ago, slorch said:

3:30 service for church today.  Pastor starts out by apologizing to Cowboy fans.

Wife elbows me and says, "Oh, now I know why you wanted to go to the 1 o'clock service."

FML.  My boys, DIL, and grandbaby are in town, so I am on cloud nine, regardless.  It was still COMPLETELY doable, but fuck no, they insisted upon 3:30...

It has been an awesome week already, so I am bitching zero percent.   Still could have gone to that 1 o'clock motherfucker though, no sweat.

Our church service was at 5.  So I watched the second half on my phone, between my legs, while sitting in row 3 with no one in rows 1 or 2.

Nearly yelled when Hilton caught that bomb on 3rd-30.

[LTbear 4168]

And absolutely fuck all this "miss Cowboys vs Eagles to go to church" horseshit 

[Pato del Muerto 52489]

48 minutes ago, luke duke said:

*borracho

Thank you. If you’re gonna be one, you should know how to spell it. 

[Beau Vine 54210]

10 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Thank you. If you’re gonna be one, you should know how to spell it. 

I read this in Peggy Hill's voice.

[Baboontyme 2809]

Can I bitch about my kids or does it have to be wife and in-laws? I guess my bitch is more about getting old because I'm exhausted, it just hit midnight, they just laid down and now I have to keep myself awake with monster zero for another 3 hours until they're out so Santa can vomit under the tree. And then I'll have to put the prime rib on by 7. Regardless hope everyone has a happy Holiday and I'll be in my bunk watching Tulsa King with man made restless leg syndrome. 

[pearlandhorn 3269]

Got to my folks house around 2:30 today. My mom was silently giving me the cold shoulder pretty much all day because she was pissed I didn’t come yesterday.

My wife gets a call from her mom saying that deadbeat BIL didn’t show up with my SIL at my in laws house. We head over there after we finished up at my parents house and SIL is very quiet, looking like she’d been crying all day. Come to find out that he yelled, slapped her, etc. prior to them leaving and he decided that he’d rather spend Christmas going to a movie theater. She actually left him at home and came without him. Bravo.

Other SIL and boyfriend are also here and their little shit dog is yapping, all up in everybody’s shit. My border collie has just about had enough. We start at 7:30 in the morning. So far, I’ve been given 3 1000 piece puzzles (used and already opened), a few notepads, and a $20 crossword scratch off. It’s like my in laws just like to give shit away rather than throw it in the trash.

Edited December 25, 2022 by pearlandhorn

[Kennythetiger 9376]

Did the lotto ticket hit?  

[royiv 9283]

6 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

Did the lotto ticket hit?  

He didn't specify if it had already been scratched before he received it.

[Baboontyme 2809]

Done. Every year I think it's the last I will have to do this and though I complain I'm going to be very sad when I don't have to do this anymore. Cheers y'all. 

[Longhornstampede 3181]

This thread delivers!

[Sbbruin 21840]

2 hours ago, Longhornstampede said:

This thread delivers!

Yes, as Christmas neared, it revved up into high gear.  
 

Personally being in and out of the hospital we are limiting everything to our little immediate foursome.  In many respects it’s perfect and all I’d ever want, but a large family gathering does sound nice.

[pearlandhorn 3269]

5 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

Did the lotto ticket hit?  

 

4 hours ago, royiv said:

He didn't specify if it had already been scratched before he received it.

It was a crossword scratch off. I didn’t have the patience to spend 45 minutes scratching it to see if I won anything. I’ll stop at a gas station today and scan it.

[GoPokes83 2240]

I need to hear more about this crock pot migas casserole.

Dammit I just had to look that shit up! Now I’m up at 5:00 making one!

[Thatguy 8685]

21 hours ago, Longboard Horn said:

King I'm packing a full arsenal. I got Crown, Jack, Polo Assn Gin and Capt. Morgan. 

Hmmm.....

[GhostOfTomJoad 9324]

35 minutes ago, GoPokes83 said:

Dammit I just had to look that shit up! Now I’m up at 5:00 making one!

It was awesome. Hope you enjoy it.

[BearSchlong 8083]

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

Best: new bromance with my son’s FIL. We were at H-E-B buying cilantro the other day and were playing the get to know you 20 questions game. “My guilty pleasure is Kelly Clarkson.” To which he answered, “mine is George Michaels.” Then we agreed that our biggest regret was not attending more RUSH concerts. My son hit the gold mine with his in-laws; they are a blast, all of them. Great family. And the more I get to know my daughter-in-law, the more I love her.

That and my stepbrother made the brisket using a recipe first scribbled down in Hebrew centuries ago. It crushes anything cooked in smoke.

Worst: 1st Christmas without my dad. We are going to his house for Christmas/Hanukkah brunch with my stepmom. Last night at my stepbro’s house, she looked like you would expect a widow to look on the first Christmas after he soul mate's death. She was staring off into space. Heart-wrenching.

Funniest: everyone took off their shoes last night and were comparing feet. My 13 yr old niece looked at her mom’s, grandma’s, and Aunt’s feet and burst into tears and exclaimed, “My feet don’t look Jewish enough!!” Poor kid lost her grandfather and two great-grandfathers this year.

Creepiest: took my wife, kids, DIL, wife’s BFF, and her daughter to dinner at a well-known west-end neighborhood restaurant. There’s this guy, in his late fifties that I see around town all the time hanging out in the bar sections of all our local restaurants. He and I have, at best, a nodding acquaintance. Anyway he and his buddies (all nearing 60) are eating at a table near ours, and towards the end of the meal, his friend walks up to my wife’s BFF’s 21-year-old daughter, who graduated from college last week, hands her his friends business card, and says “my friend over there thinks you’re hot, give him a call.” I take the business card, take a photo, and text it to my SIL (they are in the same industry and serve on several committees) with a WTF, this dude is a perve; he just hit on Br** in front of her mom, at my family dinner.”

SIL is all, “this will be fun for a long time; I’ll be asking why he interrupts my family’s dinners to hit on young girls, and I’ll wait to ask in the middle of an important board meeting. Probably start calling him Jeff Epstein, too.”

Poor girl just sat there with a glazed look in her eyes, muttering, “I cannot believe that just happened. . .”


Merry Christmas, everybody. About to wake up the family.

[Spaulding Smails 1552]

Due to unforeseen circumstances, we're at my in-laws' for Christmas for the first time in over a decade.  My MIL is super sweet and very helpful with the kids, but she's turned the corner from "too many knick knacks and a bunch of clutter" to full-blown hoarder.   I noticed a difference over. the last year.   She no longer even tries to tidy things up.  There's nowhere to sit because stuff is piled up on the chairs and the sofas.  The dining table is covered with random stuff, so we ended up kind of eating Rudy's BBQ in shifts off paper plates.  There's an armoire in the guest bath and one of the cabinets in the upstairs guest bedroom is full of unopened condiments like relish and mayo.  Just totally random stuff in random places.  I could go on for days.

My wife is over it, but doesn't know how to address it.  I think we're going to have to almost do a minor intervention next summer.  I'm going to rent a dumpster and pay my son to go there with my wife to just de-clutter and throw shit out.  It's gotten that bad.