Official 2022 Bitch about Family - Holiday Insanity

[nnm 36470]

10 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

That and my stepbrother made the brisket using a recipe first scribbled down in Hebrew centuries ago. It crushes anything cooked in smoke.

 

You can’t just drop that in and walk away. 

[deadshank 24653]

18 hours ago, SHOOTER12 said:

I'm beginning to find that her breathing at all bothers me. 

 

[Sbbruin 21861]

14 minutes ago, nnm said:

You can’t just drop that in and walk away. 

I was waiting for the reaction to that.  I figured a “Cookie, get a rope…” was coming for sure. 
 

imagine if you posted that on TexAgs.  It’d be more like “Cookie, get the Zyklon-B…”

Edited December 25, 2022 by Sbbruin

[Post Oak 20249]

33 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

Best: new bromance with my son’s FIL. We were at H-E-B buying cilantro the other day and were playing the get to know you 20 questions game. “My guilty pleasure is Kelly Clarkson.” To which he answered, “mine is George Michaels.” Then we agreed that our biggest regret was not attending more RUSH concerts. My son hit the gold mine with his in-laws; they are a blast, all of them. Great family. And the more I get to know my daughter-in-law, the more I love her.

That and my stepbrother made the brisket using a recipe first scribbled down in Hebrew centuries ago. It crushes anything cooked in smoke.

Worst: 1st Christmas without my dad. We are going to his house for Christmas/Hanukkah brunch with my stepmom. Last night at my stepbro’s house, she looked like you would expect a widow to look on the first Christmas after he soul mate's death. She was staring off into space. Heart-wrenching.

Funniest: everyone took off their shoes last night and were comparing feet. My 13 yr old niece looked at her mom’s, grandma’s, and Aunt’s feet and burst into tears and exclaimed, “My feet don’t look Jewish enough!!” Poor kid lost her grandfather and two great-grandfathers this year.

Creepiest: took my wife, kids, DIL, wife’s BFF, and her daughter to dinner at a well-known west-end neighborhood restaurant. There’s this guy, in his late fifties that I see around town all the time hanging out in the bar sections of all our local restaurants. He and I have, at best, a nodding acquaintance. Anyway he and his buddies (all nearing 60) are eating at a table near ours, and towards the end of the meal, his friend walks up to my wife’s BFF’s 21-year-old daughter, who graduated from college last week, hands her his friends business card, and says “my friend over there thinks you’re hot, give him a call.” I take the business card, take a photo, and text it to my SIL (they are in the same industry and serve on several committees) with a WTF, this dude is a perve; he just hit on Br** in front of her mom, at my family dinner.”

SIL is all, “this will be fun for a long time; I’ll be asking why he interrupts my family’s dinners to hit on young girls, and I’ll wait to ask in the middle of an important board meeting. Probably start calling him Jeff Epstein, too.”

Poor girl just sat there with a glazed look in her eyes, muttering, “I cannot believe that just happened. . .”


Merry Christmas, everybody. About to wake up the family.

Shooters shoot

[Pato del Muerto 52529]

40 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

Best: new bromance with my son’s FIL. We were at H-E-B buying cilantro the other day and were playing the get to know you 20 questions game. “My guilty pleasure is Kelly Clarkson.” To which he answered, “mine is George Michaels.” Then we agreed that our biggest regret was not attending more RUSH concerts. My son hit the gold mine with his in-laws; they are a blast, all of them. Great family. And the more I get to know my daughter-in-law, the more I love her.

That and my stepbrother made the brisket using a recipe first scribbled down in Hebrew centuries ago. It crushes anything cooked in smoke.

Worst: 1st Christmas without my dad. We are going to his house for Christmas/Hanukkah brunch with my stepmom. Last night at my stepbro’s house, she looked like you would expect a widow to look on the first Christmas after he soul mate's death. She was staring off into space. Heart-wrenching.

Funniest: everyone took off their shoes last night and were comparing feet. My 13 yr old niece looked at her mom’s, grandma’s, and Aunt’s feet and burst into tears and exclaimed, “My feet don’t look Jewish enough!!” Poor kid lost her grandfather and two great-grandfathers this year.

Creepiest: took my wife, kids, DIL, wife’s BFF, and her daughter to dinner at a well-known west-end neighborhood restaurant. There’s this guy, in his late fifties that I see around town all the time hanging out in the bar sections of all our local restaurants. He and I have, at best, a nodding acquaintance. Anyway he and his buddies (all nearing 60) are eating at a table near ours, and towards the end of the meal, his friend walks up to my wife’s BFF’s 21-year-old daughter, who graduated from college last week, hands her his friends business card, and says “my friend over there thinks you’re hot, give him a call.” I take the business card, take a photo, and text it to my SIL (they are in the same industry and serve on several committees) with a WTF, this dude is a perve; he just hit on Br** in front of her mom, at my family dinner.”

SIL is all, “this will be fun for a long time; I’ll be asking why he interrupts my family’s dinners to hit on young girls, and I’ll wait to ask in the middle of an important board meeting. Probably start calling him Jeff Epstein, too.”

Poor girl just sat there with a glazed look in her eyes, muttering, “I cannot believe that just happened. . .”


Merry Christmas, everybody. About to wake up the family.

Mazel. But the corned beef recipe link isn’t loading.

[Guest]

8 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

Did the lotto ticket hit?  

I bought everyone a quickpick for Megamillions this Tuesday, $400 and some-odd million jackpot.

Told my youngest he might be able to afford a 2 bedroom house in San Diego if he wins.

[Kennythetiger 9395]

1 hour ago, BearSchlong said:

That and my stepbrother made the brisket using a recipe first scribbled down in Hebrew centuries ago. It crushes anything cooked in smoke.

Dude. 

[tx 3 putt 77116]

On 12/23/2022 at 12:05 PM, nnm said:

The Auburn board bringing the smoke on their holiday family drama thread. 

 

I need MiL pics before passing judgement 

[ABSR 5319]

12 hours ago, Parliament said:

I stay with my sister (no pics) and her family in Ohio.  Good people for sure, but kinda boring.  And cheap.  They don't have cable or Hulu or anything.  Only bunny ear channel they get tonight is CBS.  So we watched the Maria Carrie Xmas special.  Shoot me.  Shoot me now.

Wow, they are so cheap they even get a Knock off Mariah Carey.  

[Gil Bang 25978]

It was a crossword scratch off. I didn’t have the patience to spend 45 minutes scratching it to see if I won anything. I’ll stop at a gas station today and scan it.

There’s an app for that

[Longboard Horn 40379]

11 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

Our church service was at 5.  So I watched the second half on my phone, between my legs, while sitting in row 3 with no one in rows 1 or 2.

Nearly yelled when Hilton caught that bomb on 3rd-30.

Is this you? 
 

 

[MissingInAction 25112]

12 hours ago, luke duke said:

*borracho

Gispacho

[Armybrat 40851]

Took Mrs. Brat to church and will pick her up in an hour, so I’m sitting here alone looking at my late grandson’s stocking hanging on the mantel. First Christmas without him in 30 years.

Our middle son and his two boys won’t be here because of illness.

 

[40acredropout 2902]

53 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

Took Mrs. Brat to church and will pick her up in an hour, so I’m sitting here alone looking at my late grandson’s stocking hanging on the mantel. First Christmas without him in 30 years.

Our middle son and his two boys won’t be here because of illness.

 

Sorry Brat.  I didn't get to be around either of my grandfathers but I feel fortunate to get a high quality sampling of grandfatherly humor / wisdom out of your posts on here.  Hoping you and Mrs. Brat still have a very Merry Christmas.

[956 Worldwide 34727]

5 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

Creepiest: took my wife, kids, DIL, wife’s BFF, and her daughter to dinner at a well-known west-end neighborhood restaurant. There’s this guy, in his late fifties that I see around town all the time hanging out in the bar sections of all our local restaurants. He and I have, at best, a nodding acquaintance. Anyway he and his buddies (all nearing 60) are eating at a table near ours, and towards the end of the meal, his friend walks up to my wife’s BFF’s 21-year-old daughter, who graduated from college last week, hands her his friends business card, and says “my friend over there thinks you’re hot, give him a call.” I take the business card, take a photo, and text it to my SIL (they are in the same industry and serve on several committees) with a WTF, this dude is a perve; he just hit on Br** in front of her mom, at my family dinner.”

SIL is all, “this will be fun for a long time; I’ll be asking why he interrupts my family’s dinners to hit on young girls, and I’ll wait to ask in the middle of an important board meeting. Probably start calling him Jeff Epstein, too.”

Poor girl just sat there with a glazed look in her eyes, muttering, “I cannot believe that just happened. . .”


Merry Christmas, everybody. About to wake up the family.

The best part of this is him sending his buddy over to do his creepy work for him like a junior high kid. And that his buddy didn’t wave him off. 

[luke duke 6413]

Gispacho

https://media0.giphy.com/media/ETpi8wtDhQbwBtK2vb/giphy.gif

[4th&Five 41565]

On 12/20/2022 at 10:10 AM, 4th&Five said:

My folks sent a text to my brother and I last night that they just bought their first new TV in 15 years and we get to set it up on Xmas and then teach them how it works.  Fun!

Update: They don’t know what their Wi-Fi password but “that’s okay because we were going to cancel Netflix anyway.” Also, the place it was supposed to go is too small so it’s balancing on a 2x4. What could go wrong?

[Zepol87 9188]

Won 200 on a 5 dollar lotetria scratcher. Good times 

Not so good is my nephew was gon a spend Christmas with his dad and gf because the gf got him tickets to the mavs game today. Little guy was very excited for it, well his dad didn't wake up until 1230 because he was up late playing xbox. They were gonna be late so he starts shit to cause a fight and then calls my sister to come pick him up because they aren't going. What a fucking cocksucker, can't believe he was a friend in HS. Got nothing for the kid for xmas other than these tickets and now not going.

Edited December 25, 2022 by Zepol87

[Telegraph_it 3358]

51 minutes ago, Zepol87 said:

Won 200 on a 5 dollar lotetria scratcher. Good times 

Not so good is my nephew was gon a spend Christmas with his dad and gf because the gf got him tickets to the mavs game today. Little guy was very excited for it, well his dad didn't wake up until 1230 because he was up late playing xbox. They were gonna be late so he starts shit to cause a fight and then calls my sister to come pick him up because they aren't going. What a fucking cocksucker, can't believe he was a friend in HS. Got nothing for the kid for xmas other than these tickets and now not going.

Life is hard. 
 

for the “dad” it seems. 

Edited December 25, 2022 by Telegraph_it

[High Plains Drifter 11050]

 

merry Christmas assholes.

 

[MissingInAction 25112]

[pearlandhorn 3274]

My MIL is attempting to liquor up my SIL in order to get information regarding the deadbeat BIL. This’ll get interesting.

[G650 14264]

4 minutes ago, pearlandhorn said:

My MIL is attempting to liquor up my SIL in order to get information regarding the deadbeat BIL. This’ll get interesting.

[HouTex 1885]

My communist niece was well behaved yesterday.  Great Christmas Eve celebration with my growing family.  Life is good.  

[MissingInAction 25112]

Things were going great then around 2 everyone's phones started blowing up one after one. 

My friend asks me if I was supposed to give her sister a ride. I said no, but apparently her drunk ass is texting everyone that i was and had failed to pick her up.

Luckily everyone there is familiar with her drunk shenanigans so I had no trouble clearing that up. 

No one in in her family really wants her there anyway. If so one of them should have picked her up. 

Anyway, brisket fucking rocked and my beans got a lot of compliments. Also had the best macaroons of my life.

Edited December 25, 2022 by MissingInAction

[nnm 36470]

Sitting in my chair watching my family prepare our traditional New Mexican Christmas dinner. Carne adovada, green chilé chicken enchiladas, tamales, frijoles, guacamole, taquitos, calabacitas, papas, tortillas.
Oldest is married, SIL studying paramedic stuff (he’s former SF, current firefighter/paramedic). Middle daughter gets married this March, great guy. Son gets married in May, great young woman. 
Nice, easy conversation. Calm, no drama, sorry to bring down the spirit of the thread. I’m just overwhelmingly blessed as I sit here. Hope I get a grandkid or two in the next year. 
 

Edited December 26, 2022 by nnm
Added pic

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Zepol87 said:

Won 200 on a 5 dollar lotetria scratcher. Good times 

Not so good is my nephew was gon a spend Christmas with his dad and gf because the gf got him tickets to the mavs game today. Little guy was very excited for it, well his dad didn't wake up until 1230 because he was up late playing xbox. They were gonna be late so he starts shit to cause a fight and then calls my sister to come pick him up because they aren't going. What a fucking cocksucker, can't believe he was a friend in HS. Got nothing for the kid for xmas other than these tickets and now not going.

Some people in life deserve a beating.  Sorry POS.

[ABSR 5319]

1 hour ago, slorch said:

Some people in life deserve a beating.  Sorry POS.

Hey, we realize that to you this means giving 20 blow jobs, but that is a lot of vitriol for only $200.  😁

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, ABSR said:

Hey, we realize that to you this means giving 20 blow jobs, but that is a lot of vitriol for only $200.  😁

the kid missing the game, dude.

The cost of the seats is nothing as far as the experience is concerned.  Dad fucked the kid, and it was 100% out of "me-first" bullshit.

Chances kid will get fucked again are estimated at 8:5*.  The dad should have his ass kicked for doing that.

No experience on the blowjob thingy, so whatever the fuck that means is on you, cool breeze.

 

 

 

* completely fabricated stat, but it ain't likely daddio iwll miraculously wake up to his responsibilities if he ignores such a slam dunk opportunity.

Edited December 26, 2022 by slorch

[Zepol87 9188]

Uncle zepol saving the day. I got a bottle of Evan Williams and he's going to spend the night and we are gonna play fortnite. Definitely doesn't make up for missing the game especially when the his ticket was in his stocking and it's his first game but hopefully he doesn't remember

[dcbc 14492]

11 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

and my stepbrother made the brisket using a recipe first scribbled down in Hebrew centuries ago. It crushes anything cooked in smoke.

Did it happen to say,

הוסף חבילה אחת של תערובת מרק בצל ליפטון

 

Edited December 26, 2022 by dcbc

[NeverMarryAStripper 21907]

Is that First you make a roux in Hebrew 

[Gil Bang 25978]

מהמטבח של ג'ון קורנין

(from the recipe archive of John Cornyn)

Edited December 26, 2022 by Gil Bang

[dcbc 14492]

17 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Is that First you make a roux in Hebrew 

It's, "Add 1 packet of Lipton Onion Soup Mix." 

 

But the roux bit would have been funnier.

Edited December 26, 2022 by dcbc

[Armybrat 40851]

No, it is something about liquid smoke.

[Longhornstampede 3184]

And cream of mushroom soup

[Pato del Muerto 52529]

These are all gold I’m writing these down 

la chaim 

[Sbbruin 21861]

1 hour ago, Zepol87 said:

Uncle zepol saving the day. I got a bottle of Evan Williams and he's going to spend the night and we are gonna play fortnite. Definitely doesn't make up for missing the game especially when the his ticket was in his stocking and it's his first game but hopefully he doesn't remember

Excellent work Zep.  Stay present with him.

[Grade of D as in David 13253]

1 hour ago, slorch said:

the kid missing the game, dude.

The cost of the seats is nothing as far as the experience is concerned.  Dad fucked the kid, and it was 100% out of "me-first" bullshit.

Chances kid will get fucked again are estimated at 8:5*.  The dad should have his ass kicked for doing that.

No experience on the blowjob thingy, so whatever the fuck that means is on you, cool breeze.

 

 

 

* completely fabricated stat, but it ain't likely daddio iwll miraculously wake up to his responsibilities if he ignores such a slam dunk opportunity.

They're fantastic, you should definitely ask your wife to give you one sometime.

[Post Oak 20249]

1 hour ago, Zepol87 said:

Uncle zepol saving the day. I got a bottle of Evan Williams and he's going to spend the night and we are gonna play fortnite. Definitely doesn't make up for missing the game especially when the his ticket was in his stocking and it's his first game but hopefully he doesn't remember

He's lucky to have you Zep.

 

[elfenix 34326]

They're fantastic, you should definitely ask your wife to give you one sometime.

[tx 3 putt 77116]

1 hour ago, dcbc said:

Did it happen to say,

הוסף חבילה אחת של תערובת מרק בצל ליפטון

 

'lots of liquid smoke' 

[Zepol87 9188]

No fortnite but he's loving duolingo. Highly recommend for any kids learning a language

 

[Pato del Muerto 52529]

Equis 

un equis

dos equis

traigame un otro Dos Equis, mijo. 

[Wax Beer Cup 382]

On 11/24/2022 at 9:44 PM, Wax Beer Cup said:

Trying to abide by no CR rule, but obviously hard to avoid in this thread.  So I go over to parents around noon to do all the cooking, which is cool. I enjoy doing it and usually host, but dad’s mobility issues make it easier for him to be in his own space. So after getting everything in the oven, I show them some pics and videos of a pup I’m very close to adopting from a rescue this week (we’re in DFW area).  The pup is one of three brought up here from the RGV about a month ago, and as soon as I mention this, without hesitation, dad says that’s gotta be one of those damn dogs that the last caravan brought with them right before the midterms.  He just saw a story about it on Fox News the other day.  Learned several years ago it’s better for my health not to engage and just walk away.  Wish me luck with my new Honduran pup this week! 🐶🇭🇳

Follow-up to my Thanksgiving rant.  The ‘caravan’ pup arrived right after Thanksgiving and has been a great addition to our house.  She’s really well behaved for 4-5 months and of course the Fox News loving folks want her around all the time.  No mentions of caravans over Christmas other than my smart ass brother telling me in front of our dad that her name should be Smuggles since she was apparently smuggled across the border 🤣. Haven’t caught up on this thread in a few weeks so have to get to reading.  Hop everyone is having a great Holiday season!  

 

Edited December 26, 2022 by Wax Beer Cup

[MissingInAction 25112]

I'm stupid

Edited December 27, 2022 by MissingInAction
butthole confusion

[Bullneck 19181]

41 minutes ago, Zepol87 said:

No fortnite but he's loving duolingo and Dos Equis. Highly recommend for any kids learning a language

 

 

[Bullneck 19181]

21 minutes ago, Wax Beer Cup said:

Follow-up to my Thanksgiving rant.  The ‘caravan’ pup arrived right after Thanksgiving and has been a great addition to our house.  She’s really well behaved for 4-5 months and of course the Fox News loving folks want her around all the time.  No mentions of caravans over Christmas other than my smart ass brother telling me in front of our dad that her name should be Smuggles since she was apparently smuggled across the border 🤣. Haven’t caught up on this thread in a few weeks so have to get to reading.  Hop everyone is having a great Holiday season!  

 

Cute dog.

Fucking amazing woodwork on those stairs.  Holy shit.

 

[pearlandhorn 3274]

After getting rocked in the nuts for a second time, my patience was running thin with this yippy fucking dog. My dog has less patience with it than I do. 

I actually got some decent gifts from my in laws this morning but did manage to snag a propane tank? OK.

Came back to my folks house so the 6 year old could get his stocking and Santa thing done over here. When we got back to my in laws for dinner, SIL and her boyfriend are literally screaming at each other for some reason. Like dude, you really put up with this bullshit? Apparently his mom hates my SIL (I don’t blame her) and doesn’t want her or their dog to come to her house. We sit down for dinner (dry AF ham, tasteless potatoes and tasteless deviled eggs and half cooked biscuits) and my son starts being 6 and isn’t eating his potatoes. We’ve told him that he at least needs to give it a shot so he can have some dessert. He starts crying and sobbing quietly and just pouting like a 6 year old. Whatever, we’ve all been there, right? We all finish except him and start clearing the table. SIL starts telling everyone that we don’t care about his feelings and he’s upset because we’re acting cold and cruel towards him. My wife finally had enough and told her to “shut the fuck up”. Needless to say, she did.

I’ll find out tomorrow what the resulting conversation was with my other SIL regarding the deadbeat BIL as she was pretty tipsy when I left (I stayed with my folks tonight).

[Longboard Horn 40379]

Day at my stepbrothers started off rocky, but actually went smoothly after a few shots of Crown and Capt. Morgan and cokes. 3 year old nephew was acting like he was afraid of the dogs(Catahoula and Pitbull) even though they're chill, down to earth and are good with children. LOL my BIL tells the nephew, "dogs are man's best friend, stop being a soy boy!" When asked what that means, he explained that a soy boy is a nicer way of calling someone a sissy or pussy. Mom and oldest sister did all the cooking and we all hung out and watched the Packers. Of course, as soon as I arrived early like I planned my stepbrother was in the back room because like every year he hadn't finished wrapping his gifts for the family.... 

Spent the evening at an uncle's house. Badass brisket, chicken wings, sweet potatoes, collard greens, and ribs! Best part of the whole day is that I didn't have to see my brother's idiot bitch half sister.