Depression, OCD, and whatever else ails you between the ears

[TwiceHorn 31705]

Just a note on the spirituality aspect of AA.  While it is commonly associated with Christianity, it is specifically and intentionally nonsectarian.  The 12 steps are a remarkable tool of moral psychology (a Jung term if I am not mistaken) that draws its elements from themes common to most of the worlds' religions.  For all the shit religion gets on this board, at root, there are just a lot of good principles for every day living to be found in it, if you can get past the primitive condemnation aspects of it.

It has Christian overtones because for a  majority of those in the program, that is what spirituality often means.  But it is not required and you can likely find a group that eschews Christianity entirely.

[cactusflinthead 27615]

And that's why I am glad you and Bear roll in this thread. 

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

Actually, it's rare (I've only met one person who found one), but there are Atheist AA groups out there. The difference between "spiritual" and "theological" is not always one that folk appreciate, because for most people, they are well to one side or the other of where the gray area exists, but there is one.

Enough diving into the weeds, though. I'm sitting here on a Sunday morning, sipping my coffee, watching the squirrels feasting on sunflower seeds, finding it easy to be grateful, and remembering all the equally sunny days on which I lay motionless, swallowed up by my own crapulence and utterly incapable of feeling grateful for anything. It's the same sun that came up in the morning; only my attitude is different. Well, that and my lack of chemically induced self-harm.

[ImGolfn 77]

I'm struggling this weekend.  Oldest has been home nearly a month after his attempt has shown in my opinion next to zero initiative to find employment.   But he's applied online to 4 jobs, his GF living here doesn't drive and she only wants to work the same place he does.  His only interest is cryptocurrency and more than once he's on my phone downloading to it when he has his own phone and their own laptop.   The younger twins dont seem to understand the word no.  Ask them to do something and its always "in a minute" then 3 hours later it's still not done.   I guess its age appropriate behavior somewhat but for some reason it's really getting to me and I just want to scream when they say "why not" and answer them with "because I said so"

Sam's birthday is this month so that's on my mind also.  I've just found myself disassociating from them, just going to work and then staying in my bedroom. More than once I've thought it'd be nice to not wake up but I know better.  And that frustrates me even more with nowhere besides here to ramble incoherently.   

[El Diablo 4232]

On 5/5/2018 at 7:36 AM, BearSchlong said:

I attend AA regularly with a Buddhist monk.

He's the reason we had to adopt a "no pets" rule at my home group.

He kept showing up with a live possum wrapped around the back of his neck which made some of the women uncomfortable.

God put him in my life to learn acceptance.

The possum or the monk?

[cactusflinthead 27615]

4 hours ago, ImGolfn said:

I'm struggling this weekend.  Oldest has been home nearly a month after his attempt has shown in my opinion next to zero initiative to find employment.   But he's applied online to 4 jobs, his GF living here doesn't drive and she only wants to work the same place he does.  His only interest is cryptocurrency and more than once he's on my phone downloading to it when he has his own phone and their own laptop.   The younger twins dont seem to understand the word no.  Ask them to do something and its always "in a minute" then 3 hours later it's still not done.   I guess its age appropriate behavior somewhat but for some reason it's really getting to me and I just want to scream when they say "why not" and answer them with "because I said so"

Sam's birthday is this month so that's on my mind also.  I've just found myself disassociating from them, just going to work and then staying in my bedroom. More than once I've thought it'd be nice to not wake up but I know better.  And that frustrates me even more with nowhere besides here to ramble incoherently.   

yeah, uh I would be blowing a gasket. 

[Message Board User 12397]

Might want to tune in this Sunday.

 

[cactusflinthead 27615]

Quote

 

But beginning in the 1990s, a new generation of academics quietly began doing psychedelics research again, much of it focusing on people with cancer. Since then, several dozen studies using psychedelic compounds have been completed or are underway. In a pair of Phase 2 psilocybin trials at Hopkins and N.Y.U., 80 cancer patients, many of them terminal, received a moderately high dose of psilocybin in a session guided by two therapists. Patients described going into their body and confronting their cancer or their fear of death; many had mystical experiences that gave them a glimpse of an afterlife or made them feel connected to nature or the universe in a way they found comforting. The studies, which were published in The Journal of Psychopharmacology in December 2016, reported that 80 percent of the Hopkins volunteers had clinically significant reductions in standard measurements of depression and anxiety, improvements that endured for at least six months.

Other, smaller studies of psilocybin have found that one, two or three guided sessions can help alcoholics and smokers overcome their addictions; in the case of 15 smokers treated in a 2014 pilot study at Hopkins, 80 percent of the volunteers were no longer smoking six months after their first psychedelic session, a figure that fell to 67 percent after a year — which is far better than the best treatment currently available. The psychedelic experience appears to give people a radical new perspective on their own lives, making possible a shift in worldview and priorities that allows them to let go of old habits.

 

MY ADVENTURES WITH THE TRIP DOCTORS

NYT.

[troph 24929]

Saw that.... turns out weed is the gateway drug, even for the super serious health nuts.

 

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

Today is a great day to have a camera rammed up where the sun don't shine. Then maybe fill out some legal paperwork, even though the doctor's handout says not to.

[dad 557]

I'm sure no one remembers but I had a scare with my heart after some chest pain and fainting back in March. Had it fully checked out and the doctors say my heart is in good condition but the whole ordeal gave me anxiety symptoms. I felt this anxiety from March till mid April and then it went away for about three weeks but now for the past 3 weeks it has come back. The doc originally gave me some Klonopin to take on an as needed basis which I did take on a few occasions but I am/was hesitant to do this unless it was a severe anxiety attack because I don't want to become dependent on them. I finally went back to the doc a few weeks ago and to tell him how the specialists checks went and to see what he thought I should do about the anxiety. He prescribed Zoloft so I've been taking 50 mg (1/2 pill) everyday for the past two weeks. I do feel like it gives me a "boost" for a few hours after taking it but it doesn't prevent the symptoms from coming on later in the day. Hell just this weekend I took the half of a pill around noon and while I was at Pluckers at around 3 PM for lunch I had a full blown anxiety attack. 

My question to you guys is how many people here have experience with SSRI's and how long it takes for them to really take effect? Do they make you feel "normal" the entire day? Any stories of stopping them after extended use and any withdrawal symptoms? Any issues with being on SSRI's and performing intense cardio? I played basketball a few times after I started taking Zoloft and I feel like I get a little dizzy when I'm done playing. 

Another question is do you guys think that speaking to a therapist would help? I feel like I know nothing very stressful is going on around me so if I know that it's happening for no good reason now than how can someone "talk me out" of these weird physical symptoms? I could be at home watching movies all weekend and feel the anxiety related symptoms with nothing triggering it so how can I talk that away? 

[cactusflinthead 27615]

Damn right I remember. I am glad to hear that the pump passed inspection. 

How does talking yourself down off the ledge work? I dunno. I know it works for me. "That stuff you are worrying over, a thousand years from now is anyone going to remember?" Is it something I can do something about? Do I need to? Do I need to get help with it? 

Will the world stop turning if I do nothing and dismiss the fears as my own wild imagination?

There are some branches on the decision tree.

[cactusflinthead 27615]

I want to dig into the article from yesterday when I get home. There are a couple of ideas independent of the thrust into psychedelia worth mentioning. 

Rumination for starters.

Mindless vs. Brainless therapies, If I remember right 

[Tailgate 3027]

5 hours ago, dad said:

I'm sure no one remembers but I had a scare with my heart after some chest pain and fainting back in March. Had it fully checked out and the doctors say my heart is in good condition but the whole ordeal gave me anxiety symptoms. I felt this anxiety from March till mid April and then it went away for about three weeks but now for the past 3 weeks it has come back. The doc originally gave me some Klonopin to take on an as needed basis which I did take on a few occasions but I am/was hesitant to do this unless it was a severe anxiety attack because I don't want to become dependent on them. I finally went back to the doc a few weeks ago and to tell him how the specialists checks went and to see what he thought I should do about the anxiety. He prescribed Zoloft so I've been taking 50 mg (1/2 pill) everyday for the past two weeks. I do feel like it gives me a "boost" for a few hours after taking it but it doesn't prevent the symptoms from coming on later in the day. Hell just this weekend I took the half of a pill around noon and while I was at Pluckers at around 3 PM for lunch I had a full blown anxiety attack. 

My question to you guys is how many people here have experience with SSRI's and how long it takes for them to really take effect? Do they make you feel "normal" the entire day? Any stories of stopping them after extended use and any withdrawal symptoms? Any issues with being on SSRI's and performing intense cardio? I played basketball a few times after I started taking Zoloft and I feel like I get a little dizzy when I'm done playing. 

Another question is do you guys think that speaking to a therapist would help? I feel like I know nothing very stressful is going on around me so if I know that it's happening for no good reason now than how can someone "talk me out" of these weird physical symptoms? I could be at home watching movies all weekend and feel the anxiety related symptoms with nothing triggering it so how can I talk that away? 

A therapist will absolutely help. I had a full blown ‘I’m having a massive heart attack’ right after college in the early 90s. I went to see someone and just the words ‘you have a lot of shit going on...this is ok and ‘not uncommon’ helped me tremendously. I had a few years after that but always went back to this encounter and sure enough at the time had way too much going on and was jacked up on caffeine and smoking cigs...had to chill the hell out...all the media, devices and info pounding us now does not help...have to step away at times and breathe.

Edited May 17, 2018 by Tailgate

[cactusflinthead 27615]

14 hours ago, Walden Ponderer said:

Today is a great day to have a camera rammed up where the sun don't shine. Then maybe fill out some legal paperwork, even though the doctor's handout says not to.

Did they find anything after taking a hard look up your bung hole?

[cactusflinthead 27615]

Quote

 

It is sometimes said that in the last few decades psychiatry went from being brainless — relying on talk therapies oblivious to neurobiology — to being mindless — relying on drugs, with little attention to the contents of consciousness. If psychedelic-assisted therapy proves as effective as early trials suggest it might, it will be because it succeeds in rejoining the brain and the mind in a radical new therapeutic paradigm: using not just a chemical but the powerful mental experience it can occasion, given the proper support, to disrupt destructive patterns of thought and behavior.

Such a new approach couldn’t come at a better time for a field that is “broken,” as Tom Insel, head of the National Institute of Mental Health until 2015, told me bluntly. Rates of depression (now the leading cause of disability worldwide, according to the W.H.O.) and suicide are climbing; addictive behavior is rampant. Little has changed, meanwhile, in psychopharmacology since the introduction of SSRI antidepressants in the late 1980s. This may explain why prominent figures in the psychiatric establishment are voicing support for psychedelic research. Addressing a conference on psychedelic science in Oakland last spring, Insel and Paul Summergrad, a former president of the American Psychiatric Association, offered encouragement to the psychedelic researchers in the audience, with Insel singling out for praise “the novel approach here” — the way the psychedelic therapist combines pharmacology and psychotherapy to create a single transformative experience.

 

Quote

 

“There are now two distinct lineages,” I was told by an underground guide with 35 years of experience, who asked me to use a family name, Michelle. “In the Western medical model, the guide is taught never to ‘get ahead of the medicine’ ” — that is, he or she aims for a noninterventionist, back-seat role during the session, and because these are foremost scientific trials, sticks to a standardized protocol in order to minimize the number of experimental variables in play. Many underground guides find this needlessly confining.

 

and the other part of this quote

Quote

“The journey should be customized to each person,” Michelle said. “The idea of playing the same music for everyone makes absolutely no sense.” Instead, she might choose a comforting piece to support someone struggling with a challenging trip, or put on something “chaotic and disassembling” to help break down another client’s defenses. “A healer is not just a sitter. She does stuff.” Many underground guides have traveled extensively in Mexico, Brazil and Peru to study with traditional healers; Michelle believes psychedelic therapy still has much to learn from the “earth peoples” who have made use of psychedelic plants and fungi in their healing ceremonies for thousands of years. She feels the work she does offers more scope for “creativity and intuition” than the rote clinical techniques being taught aboveground allow.

Quote

The sovereign ego, with all its armaments and fears, its backward-looking resentments and forward-looking worries, was simply no more, and there was no one left to mourn its passing. And yet something had succeeded it: this bare, disembodied awareness, which gazed upon the scene of the self’s dissolution with benign indifference. I was present to reality but as something other than my usual self. And although there was no self left to feel, exactly, there was a feeling tone, and that was calm, unburdened, content. There was life after the death of the ego.

 

Quote

That I could survive the dissolution of my ego and its defenses was surely something to be grateful for, and we talked at length about this. What a remarkable gift: to learn that we can let go of so much — the desires, fears and defenses of a lifetime! — without suffering complete annihilation. This might not come as a surprise to Buddhists or serious meditators, but it was news to me, who had never felt anything but identical to my ego. Could it be that there is another ground on which to plant our feet? For the first time, I began to understand what the volunteers in the cancer-anxiety trials were telling me — how it was that a single psychedelic journey granted them a perspective from which the very worst life can throw at us could be regarded objectively and accepted with equanimity. I had been given a glimpse of that liberating perspective.

Ok, I'll quit there. I suppose I am ruminating myself. That idea deserves its own entry

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

9 hours ago, cactusflinthead said:

Did they find anything after taking a hard look up your bung hole?

Not much. The weird part is getting pictures afterwards. Removed one polyp and told me to keep up with fiber and exercise, which I would have done anyway. Still, glad I did it. The link between gastro and mental health is real.

[Lidig8r 1880]

Sometimes boys, life just seems too overwhelming. No joy. The path appears to be gone. You know for a fact you will never recover something that was ripped away, and perhaps the very best part of you was taken as well.

The room is as dark as a tomb.  Here is hoping for a candle tomorrow.

[cactusflinthead 27615]

jeremiah was in a hole in the ground and then it rained hard

tomorrow is going to get here, whether we do or not

I still pray for you all as many as I can remember 

every time it hits me. 

we're all in this together

[ImGolfn 77]

I had really been down the last couple weeks especially with what would be Sammie’s 16th birthday coming up this Monday.  I’ve really needed a sign that she’s still here with me in spirit. I’ve had to excuse myself at work and even out to dinner with tears and crying.  

Had this afternoon off from work so of course spent my time where I often do with Sammie out on the golf course.  Was playing pretty well got to #11 at Cypress Lakes here in Houston and flew a 7 iron into the hole from 173 yards for a hole in one.  I really needed to see something from her and she came through. 

 

How long it lasts we’ll see but for tonight anyway Sammie’s with me and it’s a good day.

[PhillyD 1282]

It just got dusty in here.  Awesome story

[Bogeywon 2544]

got a lot going on at work and had a really bad interaction with a client at a out of state conference.  my anxiety level is through the roof and I sent a text to the wife explaining this and all she could say was "ok"

I wish there was a way to hook someone up to a machine that hasn't experienced this so that they could feel the feeling of losing control.

[Bogeywon 2544]

great story on the hole in one!

[dad 557]

On 5/16/2018 at 8:10 PM, Tailgate said:

A therapist will absolutely help. I had a full blown ‘I’m having a massive heart attack’ right after college in the early 90s. I went to see someone and just the words ‘you have a lot of shit going on...this is ok and ‘not uncommon’ helped me tremendously. I had a few years after that but always went back to this encounter and sure enough at the time had way too much going on and was jacked up on caffeine and smoking cigs...had to chill the hell out...all the media, devices and info pounding us now does not help...have to step away at times and breathe.

I think i'll shop around to try a therapist out to get some good ole CBT to see if that helps. It's probably too expensive per session to go through with it all the way for my health care budget but I could at least try 3 or so sessions to see if it seems like it could help. Why not now for "mental health awareness month"..

---------------------------------------------

@cactusflinthead: The psychedelic -assisted  therapy stuff sounds very interesting. If I knew of someone around DFW that could do that I would give it a try. I would give anything a try!

@Bogeywon: I can relate to the wife not completely understanding what we're going through. I've asked my wife to drive on a couple of occasions on long trips because there's something about driving a car in heavy traffic for hours on end that doesn't mix well with someone with anxiety. On one occasion she got upset with me over something unrelated and she threw it in my face that she "wasn't my chauffeur" which kind of hurt. Other than that she's been very supportive when I'm feeling really bad but you wouldn't say something like that if you truly felt the physical symptoms that a full blown anxiety attack can bring.  

[Tailgate 3027]

5 hours ago, dad said:

I think i'll shop around to try a therapist out to get some good ole CBT to see if that helps. It's probably too expensive per session to go through with it all the way for my health care budget but I could at least try 3 or so sessions to see if it seems like it could help. Why not now for "mental health awareness month"..

---------------------------------------------

@cactusflinthead: The psychedelic -assisted  therapy stuff sounds very interesting. If I knew of someone around DFW that could do that I would give it a try. I would give anything a try!

@Bogeywon: I can relate to the wife not completely understanding what we're going through. I've asked my wife to drive on a couple of occasions on long trips because there's something about driving a car in heavy traffic for hours on end that doesn't mix well with someone with anxiety. On one occasion she got upset with me over something unrelated and she threw it in my face that she "wasn't my chauffeur" which kind of hurt. Other than that she's been very supportive when I'm feeling really bad but you wouldn't say something like that if you truly felt the physical symptoms that a full blown anxiety attack can bring.  

Good for you for going...I literally just had to go once to hear the words I mentioned. “You’re ok, normal, and have too much stuff going on so this is not uncommon.” I never needed to go back.

[ImGolfn 77]

I survived today.  Today being Sammie's 16th birthday, was a bucket of nerves driving to the grave site.  Of course many years while I was there and had to get my wife to drive home but at least made it thru the day.  

[Lidig8r 1880]

7 hours ago, ImGolfn said:

I survived today.  Today being Sammie's 16th birthday, was a bucket of nerves driving to the grave site.  Of course many years while I was there and had to get my wife to drive home but at least made it thru the day.  

Stay strong my friend. I believe that your Sammie is part of that Warrior Angel Army trying to send us signs that they are ok and want us to live life to the fullest.  It is incredible hard at times... I get that. But, we must hold on to our hearts, our souls... the very best parts of us that have not been ripped away.

My Morgan, your Sammie, and others whom I know who have been taken are the greatest supporters of our souls.

Live Large. Live Strong. Dare MIghty Things. There is no other way.

[cactusflinthead 27615]

I'm more than a little angry about Bourdain. 

I don't know what else to say.

I've been in this place before and it is the same as ever. 

I know how to get out. That door over there that says "Forgive".

I owe it to him too. 

 

[ImGolfn 77]

Was never big on Bourdain and had heard of Kate Spade but thats it.  Maybe its just having rabbit ears when it comes to the topic of suicide but it feels like every day someone who I've at least heard takes their own life.   

[XYZ 2154]

Somebody told me that he was going through a ketamine treatment. He goes to a doctor’s office once a week, gets an IV for an hour, then another hour to recover. Said it worked pretty quickly to dissipate anxiety, and not so quickly against depression. Said it was well worth the considerable expense. Anybody familiar with this?

[cactusflinthead 27615]

Vitamin K therapy huh? I'll have to dig into it. 

I found a Scientific American article to start. Dig into it later on.

Edited June 9, 2018 by cactusflinthead

[cactusflinthead 27615]

Getting the Inside Dope on Ketamine’s Mysterious Ability to Rapidly Relieve Depression

Quote

The researchers stumbled on ketamine after they injected a drug that blocks NMDA receptors (for glutamate that, when activated, allow calcium to flood inside cells, causing them to fire) in the LHbs of depression-prone rats and saw strong antidepressant effects. Ketamine also blocks NMDA receptors, so the team repeated this with ketamine and again alleviated depression, within one hour. “We show that infusion of ketamine into just one brain region is sufficient to cause rapid antidepressant effects,” Hu says. Studies of brain tissue samples showed that whereas ketamine silenced burst firing within minutes, the standard antidepressant fluoxetine hydrochloride, commonly known as Prozac, had no such effect at these timescales.

Quote

Among researchers not taking part in the work, not everyone agrees the story can be this simple, however. “We’ve found the habenula is underactive in depressed patients, which is inconsistent with these data,” says neuroscientist Jonathan Roiser of University College London. But if these discrepancies can be resolved, studying the LHb is a promising path toward entirely new approaches to treating severe depression. “It’s fascinating to see that ketamine dampens habenular hyperactivity,” says psychiatrist Matthew Klein of the University of California, San Diego. “Further research will show whether this is the rapid antidepressant mechanism in human patients.”

and the Lancet

Ketamine for depression: the highs and lows

Quote

Advocates of ketamine use in depression are excited because it has a different mechanism of action to standard antidepressants, which affect signalling by monoamine neurotransmitters such as serotonin, noradrenaline, or dopamine. Ketamine is thought to act by blocking N-methyl-d-aspartate (NMDA) receptors in the brain, which interact with the aminoacid neurotransmitter glutamate. The resultant chemical changes in the brain caused by ketamine are not yet fully understood, but could involve ketamine-induced gene expression and signalling cascades that act long after the drug has been eliminated from the body. Meanwhile, critics say that the adverse effects of the drug, including the emergence reactions (hallucinations, dreams, and out-of-body experiences) sought after by recreational users, need further study before long-term use of ketamine can be approved for depression. Feifel states that he has patients who have been receiving ketamine treatments every 2–4 weeks for long periods, some for around 3 years, and has not yet seen any safety issues arise.

Quote

McShane adds that his team is “exploring what options there may be for providing a ketamine service for people with treatment resistant depression”. He explains that intravenous infusions seemed to clearly establish whether someone was a responder or not. “Our experience was that a second infusion was necessary in order to be able to decide whether someone was a responder, but if they have not responded by then, then they will not respond to further infusions at the same dose”, explains McShane. “Its effect in those people who respond is dramatic. However, it is hardly surprising that a single dose does not usually have an enduring effect—one would not expect that of a single dose of any antidepressant.” He adds, however, that “a few people seem to have much more prolonged responses—for several months. So far, the only way we know of to create a sustained effect in someone who has a brief response is to give it repeatedly, and also through co-prescription of conventional antidepressants which may also prolong the effect. I cannot see a future in which we will not be harnessing the use of ketamine in some way.”

 

[relapse98 634]

The past couple of weeks have been hard on me, I've just been down in the dumps. I've basically cried to my wife every night about my anxiety and depression. Last night - couldn't sleep for shit, I wasn't thinking about a damn thing, I just couldn't go to sleep until roughly 5:30am (after being in bed since 10:30). I think my fitbit lies, it says I was sleeping most of the time, but I think that's just because I was still and breathing slowly.

 

I finally made the call today to see someone. Thankfully they can see me tomorrow. I am just getting where I cannot handle stress and anxiety well and then I become a walking fucking zombie and its quite evident. I think my issues truly started around 2000. I've had a thing where I bite on the skin on my knuckles - that started when a girlfriend and I broke up after freshman year in college. But in 2000 we had just moved to San Marcos into a rental and the carpet in that place was shitty. Pure shitty. So I spent so many hours trying to clean it, shampoo it, etc. I tend to find a problem and focus on it. "Hey look, new spot on the teeth" and then spend hours of each day for the next few weeks looking at "new and exciting spot" and go to dentist and its nothing. Or find something wrong with the house and that's the only thing I can do for a long time. Or find where the tires on the wife's car were getting choppy and then spend an entire trip "checking on them". That's my thing. I "check on things". Repeatedly. Over and Over. Check and check and check. Even though there aint a blasted thing I can do to it. I feel like its getting worse. I'm spiraling more often and over really piddly shit, checking and checking. I can't seem to get back to stable on my own anymore so tomorrow I'll go see someone and see what they can do. I never use the medical insurance I pay for - wife and kids do - so I guess its time for me to make use of it and start paying $20 copays to see about getting my head screwed back on right. Because I know one thing - I can't keep doing this. Its making me a bad husband, a bad father and a not great employee.

 

 

[Reagan1k 3026]

I hope you can get some relief. 

A professional is the right answer and I'm glad you took that step.  Stuff like that doesn't tend to fix itself and your willingness to address it is a big 1st step.

Good luck and godspeed.

[orange dream 1267]

Yes, you are on the right track.    Get some help and don't give up!!

[relapse98 634]

I feel like Bourdain's death had a profound effect on me. Like if that guy who seemed to have it made in his chosen field could do that, holy shit.

[Parliament 14413]

4 hours ago, relapse98 said:

The past couple of weeks have been hard on me, I've just been down in the dumps. I've basically cried to my wife every night about my anxiety and depression. Last night - couldn't sleep for shit, I wasn't thinking about a damn thing, I just couldn't go to sleep until roughly 5:30am (after being in bed since 10:30). I think my fitbit lies, it says I was sleeping most of the time, but I think that's just because I was still and breathing slowly.

 

I finally made the call today to see someone. Thankfully they can see me tomorrow. I am just getting where I cannot handle stress and anxiety well and then I become a walking fucking zombie and its quite evident. I think my issues truly started around 2000. I've had a thing where I bite on the skin on my knuckles - that started when a girlfriend and I broke up after freshman year in college. But in 2000 we had just moved to San Marcos into a rental and the carpet in that place was shitty. Pure shitty. So I spent so many hours trying to clean it, shampoo it, etc. I tend to find a problem and focus on it. "Hey look, new spot on the teeth" and then spend hours of each day for the next few weeks looking at "new and exciting spot" and go to dentist and its nothing. Or find something wrong with the house and that's the only thing I can do for a long time. Or find where the tires on the wife's car were getting choppy and then spend an entire trip "checking on them". That's my thing. I "check on things". Repeatedly. Over and Over. Check and check and check. Even though there aint a blasted thing I can do to it. I feel like its getting worse. I'm spiraling more often and over really piddly shit, checking and checking. I can't seem to get back to stable on my own anymore so tomorrow I'll go see someone and see what they can do. I never use the medical insurance I pay for - wife and kids do - so I guess its time for me to make use of it and start paying $20 copays to see about getting my head screwed back on right. Because I know one thing - I can't keep doing this. Its making me a bad husband, a bad father and a not great employee.

 

 

Username checks out

[relapse98 634]

That was a good experience. It was just a get to know you session, probably gonna take another one of those. The thing I liked the most is that it wasn't a friend or family member that I could vent and cry with, it was just some professional that while, if she was judging me, its not like I see her on a daily basis or have to still be friends with her. I really went in with an open mind, not knowing what to expect and enjoyed it.

[Sandman 3420]

Sometimes I wonder if I feel good after a therapy session, just because I get to talk and nobody stops me. Usually I don't have much to say, or at least nothing that interests anyone but me. I guess it doesn't matter, I get some stuff off of my chest and I feel better. That's what its about, right?

I don't know why but I've felt pretty great the last week or so. I actually don't mind being at work! I wish I knew the secret to staying in this zone.  

[Reagan1k 3026]

1 hour ago, relapse98 said:

That was a good experience. It was just a get to know you session, probably gonna take another one of those. The thing I liked the most is that it wasn't a friend or family member that I could vent and cry with, it was just some professional that while, if she was judging me, its not like I see her on a daily basis or have to still be friends with her. I really went in with an open mind, not knowing what to expect and enjoyed it.

Glad you felt comfortable.  The only advice I can give you is to be totally honest.  I know your situation is different from mine, but I wasted a lot of time and money in therapy because I wasn't honest about my drinking problems.  I'm sure others have done the same thing out of embarrassment or some sense of pride.

There is no sense in paying someone for the privilege of lying to them.  If you want to do that - call me and I'll make you a deal for 1/2 the doc's normal rate and you can lie to me.

I was always trying to "win" therapy and get attaboys instead of being honest and getting the help I needed.  Added several years of unnecessary misery to my sad little tale.

All joking aside, they can't help you unless you strip away the crap and get brutally honest with yourself and them.  They've heard it all and you are paying them to help so unload it on them.

[relapse98 634]

Good advice. Thanks.

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

On 6/12/2018 at 7:53 PM, relapse98 said:

I feel like Bourdain's death had a profound effect on me. Like if that guy who seemed to have it made in his chosen field could do that, holy shit.

Right there with you. He was a sensitive guy underneath all the bluster. I suspect he would have lived longer if he'd been able to stay married -- it's awfully hard to battle depression when you are on your own. This is just another reminder to myself to be grateful for all the relationships in my life -- wife, kids, friends, hell, even my aggy coworkers and employees.

[cactusflinthead 27615]

On 6/13/2018 at 1:47 PM, relapse98 said:

Good advice. Thanks.

Damn right it is. 

[TwiceHorn 31705]

7 minutes ago, cactusflinthead said:

Damn right it is. 

Yep, it is the hard-learned truth.  As was said on another thread on a slightly different topic, "we're only as sick as our secrets."  You can only work on that stuff if you get it out in the open, and frequently it is more impactful on our mental health than we realize.  Those things that we keep to ourselves we are frequently "misprocessing," and a pro can help us reprocess that event in a way that unburdens us.  But only if we're candid about it.

[troph 24929]

Yep, it is the hard-learned truth.  As was said on another thread on a slightly different topic, "we're only as sick as our secrets."  You can only work on that stuff if you get it out in the open, and frequently it is more impactful on our mental health than we realize.  Those things that we keep to ourselves we are frequently "misprocessing," and a pro can help us reprocess that event in a way that unburdens us.  But only if we're candid about it.

Dude I can’t even secret anymore bro. Early grave and it might be the truest truth there is. Wanna die young? Keep secrets clouded in shame and guilt for half a century. Croak... RIP

[Homercles 10206]

Right there with you. He was a sensitive guy underneath all the bluster. I suspect he would have lived longer if he'd been able to stay married -- it's awfully hard to battle depression when you are on your own. This is just another reminder to myself to be grateful for all the relationships in my life -- wife, kids, friends, hell, even my aggy coworkers and employees.

 

I’ve been trying to keep this perspective too. Since the birth of our second (will be 2yo in August), just about all of my relationships have taken a back seat to life with two young kids...but especially my marriage, at least intimacy. I remember things recovered nicely once our first turned 2 or so, but our second kid is decidedly higher maintenance on top of now having to play man defense instead of zone with two in the house.

 

We still date, try to get a night away every few months...where things perk back up nicely...but during the home routine it seems we are always exhausted and struggle to make time for each other. I have to fight off the urge to withdraw and pout, trying to man up a bit and be more overt with physical affection, compliments and gratitude...basically acting how I want to be treated.

 

My problems pale compare to many here but always feel better after getting something off my chest even if it’s you anonymous assholes. Just gotta keep plugging away at it until my kids don’t need 100% constant supervision and direction, at least that’s what my friends tell me.

 

 

[MissingInAction 25330]

Noticed that when anyone asks how I am doing lately i just shrug maybe followed with "still breathing". Feel I'm slipping into that idgaf mentality again. I don't make eye contact with anyone unless it's of absolute necessity, like at work or ordering something. 

If It wasn't for my dog i wouldn't even leave the house most days. 

I have 10 days off soon, so hoping I can bring things back into perspective.

[Reagan1k 3026]

MIA - It's not easy when you get into those funks, but there is an old axiom that states you can't think your way into right action, but you can act your way into right thinking.

I'm not suggesting that you are thinking "wrongly" - but suggesting that you might feel better if you take some action, rather than waiting to take some action when you feel better.

Try to get out of yourself for a bit- go volunteer somewhere that needs a hand.  Write notes to people you love and just tell them you were thinking of them.

There's someone out there who would benefit from an action you can take, and focusing on that will turn something loose in yourself if you work for it.

[MissingInAction 25330]

That's a great idea. There's a lot of litter in my hood. Maybe I'll go clean some of that garbage up and get some well needed exercise in the process 

[XYZ 2154]

9 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

Noticed that when anyone asks how I am doing lately i just shrug maybe followed with "still breathing". Feel I'm slipping into that idgaf mentality again. I don't make eye contact with anyone unless it's of absolute necessity, like at work or ordering something. 

If It wasn't for my dog i wouldn't even leave the house most days. 

I have 10 days off soon, so hoping I can bring things back into perspective.

I’ve been like that for some time. People ask “how are you?” and I’m like “meh”, and then they go “why???”. That fucking irritates me, when someone asks how you are and you don’t give them the customary “great!” reply and they get bitchy about it. Like they don’t have any interest in hearing you complain about life, or maybe you are just not allowed to be bummed. They just wanted to do the courtesy thing and nothing more. Yeah, well, if you are not ready for the answer, maybe you shouldn’t ask the fucking question. I mean, for some of us, sometimes life is kind of a drag, so-rreee.