Depression, OCD, and whatever else ails you between the ears

[Message Board User 12396]

Honestly thought the percentages would be higher.

 

[BearSchlong 8109]

Would be interested to see their analysis.

So July 1 I started a new job with a much smaller company, and August 1 I got Covid.

Bad case - not hospitalized but in bed with fever for 2 weeks and basically forced myself to go back to work when the 2 weeks of PTO ran out. I wasn't ready.

Back at work (work is remote, so I could fake it) for 1 week then had to board up my house and evacuate for a hurricane.

Covid took a huge mental toll, and triggered some anxiety attacks and even some "mild intermittant suicidal ideation". Or sheer terror, really.

Very strange phenomenon, the 2nd time I've had a serious medical problem in which that occurred - the first being in 2004 when I had heart issues and was on FMLA for 6 weeks. Felt like my heart was gonna pound out of my chest, went about 3 nights with very little sleep. At the time it seemed real, but several weeks later I barely remember the feelings.

This makes twice in my 48 yrs that my mind has wandered into the thought, even temporarily and fleeting, that I wanted it all to just end.

I've started this post about 5 times over the last several days but wanted to get it out there.

Yall know I'm a reformed drunk with a spiritual solution - and I relied heavily on prayer and meditation to get me through the last few weeks. A lot of "God just get me through today without dying or losing my mind" and practicing acceptance. Something one of my spiritual advisors describes as "leaning into and walking through" serious situations.

Do I think God did anything? Nah.

But I sure feel better. Met with my shrink this week via zoom and relayed what happened - wanted to make sure that the Wellbutrin didn't contribute to the panic, as it actually is a reported side effect.

Just wanted to get this off my chest.

Also 39 days after Covid and its taken this long to feel normal.

Edited September 10, 2020 by BearSchlong
tapatalk kept adding double spaces, edited for formatting.

[Reagan1k 3024]

Damn.......That's a lot to "lean into".  

Thanks for that phrasing and the lesson on how you applied it.

Sounds like your God is the same one with whom I try to maintain contact.

The grace is there to to help us navigate the human experience; not to give us a free pass to avoid that human experience.

 

[BearSchlong 8109]

thanks, like I said, I debated even saying anything in this thread, but on the offhand chance anyone else faces similar things I wanted to be helpful, and it felt good to get it off my chest.

[mchookem 16367]

pardon me, but seems like a good thread to ask...

if one walks into a psychiatrist's appointment and basically confesses to harming yourself and wanting to kill yourself...how long is the 'hold' that they can put on you involuntarily? anybody know anything about that process? i assume they can't just lock up you indefinitely against your will...

this is obviously not about me...but has happened today, extremely close family, i'm kind of freaking out...  

[Message Board User 12396]

7 hours ago, mchookem said:

pardon me, but seems like a good thread to ask...

if one walks into a psychiatrist's appointment and basically confesses to harming yourself and wanting to kill yourself...how long is the 'hold' that they can put on you involuntarily? anybody know anything about that process? i assume they can't just lock up you indefinitely against your will...

this is obviously not about me...but has happened today, extremely close family, i'm kind of freaking out...  

If I remember right, someone can be hospitalized up to 90 days with a valid court order, but it sounds like this is an emergency commitment.  If that's the case, I think the individual needs to be examined by a physician within 48 hours or must be released.  Though my memory is a bit hazy regarding Texas involuntary commitments.

Hope your loved one is OK, gets the help he/she needs, and their patient autonomy and rights are respected.

[Neonmoon 38130]

On 9/11/2020 at 3:13 PM, mchookem said:

pardon me, but seems like a good thread to ask...

if one walks into a psychiatrist's appointment and basically confesses to harming yourself and wanting to kill yourself...how long is the 'hold' that they can put on you involuntarily? anybody know anything about that process? i assume they can't just lock up you indefinitely against your will...

this is obviously not about me...but has happened today, extremely close family, i'm kind of freaking out...  

48 Hour hold

http://myburke.org/wp-content/uploads/Texas-Health-and-Safety-Code-Sections-Related-to-Emergency-Detention.pdf

https://texaslawhelp.org/article/involuntary-commitment-texas

 

Quote

PRELIMINARY EXAMINATION SAME FOR BOTH WARRANT AND EPOW Sec.573.021. (a) A facility shall temporarily accept a person for whom an application for detention is filed. (b) A person accepted for a preliminary examination may be detained in custody for not longer than 48 hours after the time the person is presented to the facility unless a written order for protective custody is obtained. The 48-hour period allowed by this section includes any time the patient spends waiting in the facility for medical care before the person receives the preliminary examination. If the 48-hour period ends on a Saturday, Sunday, legal holiday, or before 4 p.m. on the first succeeding business day, the person may be detained until 4 p.m. on the first succeeding business day. If the 48-hour period ends at a different time, the person may be detained only until 4 p.m. on the day the 48-hour period ends. If extremely hazardous weather conditions exist or a disaster occurs, the presiding judge or magistrate may, by written order made each day, extend by an additional 24 hours the period during which the person may be detained. The written order must declare that an emergency exists because of the weather or the occurrence of a disaster. (c) A physician shall examine the person as soon as possible within 12 hours after the time the person is apprehended by the peace officer or transported for emergency detention by the person’s guardian. (d) A facility must comply with this section only to the extent that the commissioner determines that a facility has sufficient resources to perform the necessary services under this section. (e) A person may not be detained in a private mental health facility without the consent of the facility administrator.

 

[mchookem 16367]

crisis somewhat averted, modified to voluntary, easier to manage... thank you.  sometimes you just panic, you know?

[chikin23 384]

This is my first time posting in this thread and I don't know if it's even the right place to post.

I have always worried about small things and made mountains out of mole hills. Recently I find myself constantly thinking about "what ifs" at my job to the point where I build up a huge amount of stress. I'm a teacher and deal with a lot of parents and issues. I'm notoriously bad for visualizing a scenario in my head, gradually making it much bigger than it needs to be, and eventually letting it consume me. I'll completely zone out at home, can't take my mind off of what may happen the next day, and end up stressing out. I know that I need to learn to grow thicker skin and stop sweating the small stuff but over the last year or so I've noticed that it's gotten worse.

[Message Board User 12396]

3 hours ago, chikin23 said:

This is my first time posting in this thread and I don't know if it's even the right place to post.

I have always worried about small things and made mountains out of mole hills. Recently I find myself constantly thinking about "what ifs" at my job to the point where I build up a huge amount of stress. I'm a teacher and deal with a lot of parents and issues. I'm notoriously bad for visualizing a scenario in my head, gradually making it much bigger than it needs to be, and eventually letting it consume me. I'll completely zone out at home, can't take my mind off of what may happen the next day, and end up stressing out. I know that I need to learn to grow thicker skin and stop sweating the small stuff but over the last year or so I've noticed that it's gotten worse.

You are certainly not the only one who begins to suffer from anxiety at a later stage in life.

Without knowing anything about you're current situation other than what you've posted, I would:

1) Talk about your worries and concerns with supportive loved ones

2) Engage in "fun" activities that don't involve a screen

3) Exercise

4) And take comfort that it's very likely your concerns are shared by many of your colleagues; in fact, if it's any solace, I tip my cap to you for having to deal with the armies of Karens and Chads and their snot-nosed brats that schoolteachers need to deal with 

And if these fail, I would start looking into possibly therapy or a psychiatrist appointment for psychotropic medication.  Good luck.

[TwiceHorn 31529]

21 hours ago, mchookem said:

crisis somewhat averted, modified to voluntary, easier to manage... thank you.  sometimes you just panic, you know?

Psychiatrists are usually pretty good at talking people into a voluntary stint.

[nineliveslost 2794]

....

Edited September 17, 2020 by nineliveslost

[nineliveslost 2794]

.....

Edited September 17, 2020 by nineliveslost

[nineliveslost 2794]

....

Edited September 17, 2020 by nineliveslost

[BearSchlong 8109]

Don't feel like you're going to regret sharing it, sunlight (and honesty) is the best disinfectant.

Morally corrupt like don't give a shit, or morally corrupt like people should go to jail?  Big difference.

Just escaped what I imagine was a similar situation and am so glad I did.  For years I've joked that our paychecks were really just "Hush Money" i.e. they pay me way to much to just STFU and not rock the boat.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

[MonkeyDoughnut 10353]

On 9/13/2020 at 1:40 PM, chikin23 said:

This is my first time posting in this thread and I don't know if it's even the right place to post.

I have always worried about small things and made mountains out of mole hills. Recently I find myself constantly thinking about "what ifs" at my job to the point where I build up a huge amount of stress. I'm a teacher and deal with a lot of parents and issues. I'm notoriously bad for visualizing a scenario in my head, gradually making it much bigger than it needs to be, and eventually letting it consume me. I'll completely zone out at home, can't take my mind off of what may happen the next day, and end up stressing out. I know that I need to learn to grow thicker skin and stop sweating the small stuff but over the last year or so I've noticed that it's gotten worse.

I'm married to a teacher, mom was also a teacher. I can tell you this is very common / normal for teacher's today.

The first thing I would strongly, strongly recommend is to put a mark on the calendar 6 months out. Agree that is you still feel this way and are having the same issues you WILL see a therapist.  If you can or want to see one sooner please do so, I just know teachers for some reason, maybe because they spend their day solving problems feel like they don't need help or don't have time to get it. 

What you are feeling won't go away if you don't find a way to handle it which means changing how you operate or internalize.  No work email on phone, I leave school by X time each day no matter what. I don't respond to parents on same day, I only respond with a single paragraph. I won't battle with kids or parents, I'll let them have their way if they so demand as I can only help those that want help and I take that extra time and energy and will spend it those that do. etc.

You have to find a person you can outlet to help find ways to change things to make things better.  That person IMO and what I've seen CANNOT be another teacher.  Too often this makes things worse not better as they either go with "you think that's bad, well I ..." or they add fuel to the fire. Neither path leads to better solutions so you feel better for an instant but the "Sunday dread" feelings return quickly.

It comes down to putting yourself first before your kids, the parents, even your own family.  I stress a therapist because teachers need more than just an outlet that listens, they need someone who can help guide them to making things better.  It's incredible what a teacher must handle these days. Utmost respect for taking on that profession.

[troph 24905]

That’s a good idea. Put a stake in the ground and see how it changes or stays the same and if the same or worse seek some help.

[Message Board User 12396]

At the risk of introducing CR to this forum...but it's certainly relevant.

 

[troph 24905]

That’s a pretty cool thing.

 

 

 

In other news I’ve decided to try out ETT for past trauma therapy. By all measurements - or at least most - I’m doing well during covid but unresolved trauma from the financial crisis when I lost everything is getting in the way and making coping with the covid public health and economic crisis much harder than it should be.

 

 

https://ettia.org/resources/

[XYZ 2154]

30 minutes ago, troph said:

That’s a pretty cool thing.

 

 

 

In other news I’ve decided to try out ETT for past trauma therapy. By all measurements - or at least most - I’m doing well during covid but unresolved trauma from the financial crisis when I lost everything is getting in the way and making coping with the covid public health and economic crisis much harder than it should be.

 

 

https://ettia.org/resources/

Didn’t even know that such a thing existed. Hope it works for you.

Edited October 18, 2020 by XYZ

[troph 24905]

2 minutes ago, XYZ said:

Didn’t even know that such a thing existed. Hope it works for you.

my best friend swears by it.  I've found a therapist.  first appointment is a week from this coming Tuesday, then the following Tuesday we do the first light therapy session.  fingers crossed.

[TwiceHorn 31529]

Stasi Lights!/The Institute

I jest.  Let us know if it works.  There's something called Eye Movement Desensitizing and Reprocessing (EMDR) that seems promising.  I have known of some that report good results with PTSD.  However, it is usually along with other therapy, so who knows.

[troph 24905]

1 hour ago, TwiceHorn said:

Stasi Lights!/The Institute

I jest.  Let us know if it works.  There's something called Eye Movement Desensitizing and Reprocessing (EMDR) that seems promising.  I have known of some that report good results with PTSD.  However, it is usually along with other therapy, so who knows.

It's in that same kind of category.  I've thought about doing EMDR but my bestie (who's husband does EMDR) swears by ETT.

God knows I've had enough talk therapy to last a lifetime.  I don't want to dredge up old PTSD issues without a quicker resolution, I even told her that.  I said if we are talking months of talking then I need to get through COVID first then we can open that box, but if the light therapy can work quickly, I need relief.  We were so helpless, living on credit cards with no income for months and months.  It took 18 months to go from making no money after the crash to making enough just to pay the bills.  paying for everything for months on end with credit cards and racking up six figures in CC debt while losing our nest egg, two businesses and the real estate we owned at that time was the worst thing I have ever gone through.  I'm no where near that now, arguably even seeing things go the right direction - though not without 5x the amount of work and force to make it happen, but here I sit feeling like it's the same thing as the crisis.

I remember my one splurge every week in the crisis was a whataburger double cheeseburger with bacon and jalepenos, large fry and large iced tea on my drive home from Dallas to Austin every Wednesday night.  Kids love whataburger.  man it freaks me out to go through the drive through these days for them, brings back a flood of emotion to the surface.  That's just one tiny example of PTSD flashbacks.  That trauma/PTSD is waiting to just come pouring out and I ain't talking through that crap.  if some biochemistry thing can work with neural pathways then bring it.  the amount of fear, stress, anxiety and emotion around that trauma is waaaay to much to be talking about.

Edited October 18, 2020 by troph

[Sandman 3411]

I spent a week in the hospital, got out a week ago (not covid). I'm dreading the hospital bills. I have insurance but I know I'll get hammered anyway. I keep telling myself that it'll be ok and I'll just make payment arrangements like I've done in the past but I feel like I'm letting my wife down by incurring these bills. Stupid, I know. She loves me and doesn't give a shit about the bills, she cares more about my health. I wish I had her outlook, she's the best.

Add to that, my birthday was yesterday. I was kind of depressed as I had nothing to do, nowhere to go and there just aren't many options of shit to do these days. Not that I had big plans in mind but it sucks when you KNOW you aren't doing shit. It made it seem like any other boring-ass saturday, which bummed me out. I had a good day, so it wasn't all doom and gloom. I just want things to go back to how they were 8 months ago. 

[You don't know me 1161]

Sandman, happy belated birthday.  We share birthdays.

Unfortunately, my mom passed way last Sunday.  She lived in Webster and one of my sisters lives in League City.  I tried to call her on Sunday around noon.  I figured that she didn't answer because she was wrapping things up at church and would call me later.  The call that I got later was from my other sister Sunday evening telling me that something was wrong.  My sister in League City was at my mom's place and couldn't get in.  The called the police and they busted the door down and found my mom, still in her pajamas passed away.

It has been a horrible week.  I have never felt that level of pain.  When my dad passed away about 6 years ago, it hurt, but this was a completely different level of loss.  I thought that I had another 10 years with her.  I called my mom at least twice a week for most of my adult life.  She was the sweetest, kindest woman I ever knew.  I seriously never heard say anything bad about anyone.  She forgave people that did her wrong, some who did horrible things to her. 

We drove down from Missouri to Houston and spent the week taking care of everything.  It was a long week.

I am a mama's boy and wear it proudly.

[cactusflinthead 27601]

Sending virtual casserole over.

Sorry to hear it.

[TwiceHorn 31529]

22 hours ago, troph said:

It's in that same kind of category.  I've thought about doing EMDR but my bestie (who's husband does EMDR) swears by ETT.

God knows I've had enough talk therapy to last a lifetime.  I don't want to dredge up old PTSD issues without a quicker resolution, I even told her that.  I said if we are talking months of talking then I need to get through COVID first then we can open that box, but if the light therapy can work quickly, I need relief.  We were so helpless, living on credit cards with no income for months and months.  It took 18 months to go from making no money after the crash to making enough just to pay the bills.  paying for everything for months on end with credit cards and racking up six figures in CC debt while losing our nest egg, two businesses and the real estate we owned at that time was the worst thing I have ever gone through.  I'm no where near that now, arguably even seeing things go the right direction - though not without 5x the amount of work and force to make it happen, but here I sit feeling like it's the same thing as the crisis.

I remember my one splurge every week in the crisis was a whataburger double cheeseburger with bacon and jalepenos, large fry and large iced tea on my drive home from Dallas to Austin every Wednesday night.  Kids love whataburger.  man it freaks me out to go through the drive through these days for them, brings back a flood of emotion to the surface.  That's just one tiny example of PTSD flashbacks.  That trauma/PTSD is waiting to just come pouring out and I ain't talking through that crap.  if some biochemistry thing can work with neural pathways then bring it.  the amount of fear, stress, anxiety and emotion around that trauma is waaaay to much to be talking about.

Were you not "practicing the law" at that point in time?  Or did your other things just kind of swallow it up.

[Sandman 3411]

1 hour ago, You don't know me said:

Sandman, happy belated birthday.  We share birthdays.

Unfortunately, my mom passed way last Sunday.  She lived in Webster and one of my sisters lives in League City.  I tried to call her on Sunday around noon.  I figured that she didn't answer because she was wrapping things up at church and would call me later.  The call that I got later was from my other sister Sunday evening telling me that something was wrong.  My sister in League City was at my mom's place and couldn't get in.  The called the police and they busted the door down and found my mom, still in her pajamas passed away.

It has been a horrible week.  I have never felt that level of pain.  When my dad passed away about 6 years ago, it hurt, but this was a completely different level of loss.  I thought that I had another 10 years with her.  I called my mom at least twice a week for most of my adult life.  She was the sweetest, kindest woman I ever knew.  I seriously never heard say anything bad about anyone.  She forgave people that did her wrong, some who did horrible things to her. 

We drove down from Missouri to Houston and spent the week taking care of everything.  It was a long week.

I am a mama's boy and wear it proudly.

Happy birthday to you as well. I lost my mom 13 years ago, very unexpectedly. Her heart gave out, no indications that she was having trouble. The pain and shock were almost unreal. My biggest regret is that I didn't let myself grieve, please don't make that mistake. Give yourself the time and space to let it out. I'm pulling for you.

[cactusflinthead 27601]

On 9/10/2020 at 11:36 AM, BearSchlong said:

thanks, like I said, I debated even saying anything in this thread, but on the offhand chance anyone else faces similar things I wanted to be helpful, and it felt good to get it off my chest.

I'm glad you did. You don't know how many people you might have helped. None of us do. We got a lot of lurkers round here. Every time someone gets desperate, brave, or burdened enough to say something it's going to have an impact. 

On 9/13/2020 at 1:40 PM, chikin23 said:

This is my first time posting in this thread and I don't know if it's even the right place to post.

I have always worried about small things and made mountains out of mole hills. Recently I find myself constantly thinking about "what ifs" at my job to the point where I build up a huge amount of stress. I'm a teacher and deal with a lot of parents and issues. I'm notoriously bad for visualizing a scenario in my head, gradually making it much bigger than it needs to be, and eventually letting it consume me. I'll completely zone out at home, can't take my mind off of what may happen the next day, and end up stressing out. I know that I need to learn to grow thicker skin and stop sweating the small stuff but over the last year or so I've noticed that it's gotten worse.

You're gonna get some good advice. The best I can offer is to reiterate that you gotta leave work at work at some point in the day. The sun is going to come up tomorrow. 

On 9/16/2020 at 7:46 PM, nineliveslost said:

....

If you have to delete it 99 times or 999 times, we're going to be here.

[nineliveslost 2794]

17 minutes ago, cactusflinthead said:

I'm glad you did. You don't know how many people you might have helped. None of us do. We got a lot of lurkers round here. Every time someone gets desperate, brave, or burdened enough to say something it's going to have an impact. 

You're gonna get some good advice. The best I can offer is to reiterate that you gotta leave work at work at some point in the day. The sun is going to come up tomorrow. 

If you have to delete it 99 times or 999 times, we're going to be here.

Thanks man.... Thinks were pretty dark. I mean real dark. This world can get the best out of you. Doing better traveling again. Don't know how I will be in 3 weeks though 

[cactusflinthead 27601]

6 minutes ago, nineliveslost said:

Thanks man.... Thinks were pretty dark. I mean real dark. This world can get the best out of you. Doing better traveling again. Don't know how I will be in 3 weeks though 

We're gonna be here. 

[troph 24905]

Were you not "practicing the law" at that point in time?  Or did your other things just kind of swallow it up.

I left big law to buy a business. Took our nest egg and bet it on a company and leveraged up seven figures. Lehman went down and we lost half our customer base, half our revenue and couldn’t hold on. Lost everything. Had acquired a strategic supplier / manufacturing company too that was going under and couldn’t save it, drug us and our other business under. Vicious financial riptide in 2008-2010. Started practicing law during that time again on my own and that certainly was what got us out of that hole but not before we destroyed our balance sheet and had to start all over. Ended up short selling both businesses and paying on guarantees for 5 years. I wasn’t done with paying off guarantees and the hangover of the crisis until 2016. Thought about bankruptcy but I took an equity flyer on a deal in 2009 that prevented bankruptcy as an option - either / or and we picked the equity. Was the right decision in retrospect thankfully but it still took 7 years from start to finish.

[TwiceHorn 31529]

20 minutes ago, troph said:

I left big law to buy a business. Took our nest egg and bet it on a company and leveraged up seven figures. Lehman went down and we lost half our customer base, half our revenue and couldn’t hold on. Lost everything. Had acquired a strategic supplier / manufacturing company too that was going under and couldn’t save it, drug us and our other business under. Vicious financial riptide in 2008-2010. Started practicing law during that time again on my own and that certainly was what got us out of that hole but not before we destroyed our balance sheet and had to start all over. Ended up short selling both businesses and paying on guarantees for 5 years. I wasn’t done with paying off guarantees and the hangover of the crisis until 2016. Thought about bankruptcy but I took an equity flyer on a deal in 2009 that prevented bankruptcy as an option - either / or and we picked the equity. Was the right decision in retrospect thankfully but it still took 7 years from start to finish.

Yikes.  I had gathered that practicing the law was sort of secondary to your business ventures, but didn't realize you had left it entirely for a while.

Good on you for not filing bankruptcy.  That takes some fortitude.

My cousin, who although extremely privileged is an unaffected guy, accelerated his inheritance of my uncle's drilling operations in the early 80s.  Oops.  He found himself massively overextended, but "worked it out" over a period of years, like you.  I have immense respect for both of you for doing that.  Not that bankruptcy is wrong, per se, but it can be an easy out if it's not the only out.

[chikin23 384]

So I've been trying to focus on the good and giving myself "pep talks" when I start to feel overloaded, I've made a point to take my wife out on dates once a week, just the two of us, and I've put my phone down a lot more when I get home.

 

Not to bring religion into it, but I was driving to work the other day and stopped on KLove for some reason. The caller was talking about some of the same issues I've had and brought up Philippians 4:8. One of those moments that just stuck with me.

[cactusflinthead 27601]

37 minutes ago, chikin23 said:

So I've been trying to focus on the good and giving myself "pep talks" when I start to feel overloaded, I've made a point to take my wife out on dates once a week, just the two of us, and I've put my phone down a lot more when I get home.

 

Not to bring religion into it, but I was driving to work the other day and stopped on KLove for some reason. The caller was talking about some of the same issues I've had and brought up Philippians 4:8. One of those moments that just stuck with me.

I brought religion into it a long while back. Personally I'm willing to hear about how someone deals with their lives in whatever way works for them. Maybe I'll learn something. Maybe they had an experience that I had too. Might not apply to me at all, but I still want to hear about it. 

If you have a life lesson from the flying spaghetti monster and his noodly appendages have touched you, I'll listen to you too. I might laugh, but it might make me think about it later. 

I can learn from Fr. Jim, the Pope, and Rabbis. Gold is where you find it. 

If your imponderable power outside you is the relentless river, or the spin of an atom, and it gets you through your day who am I to dismiss it?

 

 

[TwiceHorn 31529]

Religion or spirituality can be really helpful in mental struggles, in my observation.

One thing pretty common to a lot of the struggles is what I call "inward-dwellingness."  You get lost in your own head and start to lose perspective on life and other people and where exactly you fit in.

One thing that helps with that, that is "action-oriented," is working with others or for others. Not for pay, but volunteering, etc.  It just gets you out of your own head in a way that work and domesticity just don't.

A lot of the time, a religious or spiritual "lifestyle" can help with that too.  It provides opportunities to be of service and the "thinking" that it promotes, higher power, place in the scheme, service to others, often helps achieve some perspective on your own travails.

It's probably not a substitute for therapy or medication, but can be a useful adjunct.

Edited October 21, 2020 by TwiceHorn

[cactusflinthead 27601]

I've called it navel gazing. Also heard it called rumination. Horking up a cud and chewing on it again. And again. And again. You eventually get stuck if you stay there too long. 

@TwiceHorn nailed it on how to break the loop. Go do unto some others. Volunteer opportunities abound. Seems like I recall somebody that went to walk dogs at the shelter. All it takes is looking up from staring at yourself and using what you have to give. 

Ain't got anything to give you say?

Bullshit. You are on the right side of the dirt. You can contribute something. 

[Reagan1k 3024]

@cactusflinthead and @TwiceHorn give good advice.  Getting out of one's self is a sure-fire way to reset some of those emotions.

Anything to take my focus off me seems to dissolve most of my problems - they die of neglect instead of me solving them.

In a 12-step setting I had a sponsor who had me go to a couple of grocery stores on weekends......Stores where people constantly left shopping carts scattered around.  He had me walk the parking lot and collect shopping carts and put them back where they were supposed to be (with a smile on my face, forced or not).  If someone asked why I was doing it, I was told to say I enjoyed it whether I did or not.

Back a few years ago in another state, I came across a little old lady who regularly drove around with a broom and dust pan and stopped at convenience stores.  She'd sweep the parking lots and then drive off.  At first I assumed she was crazy and had some OCD compulsion, but after I sobered up, I came to believe she knew a secret to serenity. She wasn't crazy.  I'm sure she's long since passed or is physically incapable now, but I regret not having spoken to her as I'm sure I could have learned a lot.

[TwiceHorn 31529]

Good stuff.

I want to elaborate a little on the religion/spirituality thing.  I'm "religious," but in what amounts to a sort of "cafeteria" way.  I take what I can use and leave the rest.  Thankfully, the denomination I was raised in doesn't have a whole lot of objectionable doctrines, so I don't have to "leave" much.  Nor do I have to overly concern myself with "if God is so powerful can He make a rock so big He can't lift it," or 'free will" or other theosophical debates that have about zero to do with whether TwiceHorn is going to lose his shit today.

I realize that a lot of people have had very negative experiences with religion, and some just drifted away without having especially negative experiences (that's me).

But, for me anyway, achieving a "spirituality" out of whole cloth would be difficult.  It's not so for others.  I had to retreat to what I knew, but with a new understanding of acceptance.  Both of my own flaws and foibles and that those flaws were also acceptable to my higher power and to my church/religion.

To me, spirituality starts with an acknowledgement basically that "I don't run this shit."  Some something else does. Therefore, my twisted thoughts about everything are highly secondary or tertiary in the grand scheme of things.  So, I can start to ignore some of those thoughts and feelings, or at least not act on them, after I make the realization that my thoughts and feelings are not the be-all, end-all of existence.  In fact, a whole lot of the time, they're just flat wrong, inaccurate, lies that I am telling myself for some unfathomable reason.

"Religion" is my framework for dealing with the acknowledgement that "I don't run this."  For others it can be something else.  It's all good by me.

I don't want to turn someone off by invoking "religion."

[ROFL BOX 6649]

[Bogeywon 2519]

I’m having a hard time with depression right now. Hard to breath today. Crying uncomfortable and feel undeserving of good things or love. Not sure how else to explain it....

[Helobious 9464]

8 minutes ago, Bogeywon said:

I’m having a hard time with depression right now. Hard to breath today. Crying uncomfortable and feel undeserving of good things or love. Not sure how else to explain it....

breathe*
 

maybe some of this stuff applies to you

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201901/when-you-feel-you-dont-deserve-be-happy%3famp

[UpperWestside 6186]

There’s a book that has been around for many years now called “Healing the Shame That Binds You” by John Bradshaw. I would highly recommend this book to everyone who has not read it that has posted in this thread or lurks and does not feel comfortable posting. It will change your life in a very positive way. 

[cactusflinthead 27601]

On 11/1/2020 at 1:54 PM, Bogeywon said:

I’m having a hard time with depression right now. Hard to breath today. Crying uncomfortable and feel undeserving of good things or love. Not sure how else to explain it....

That took some guts to hit post. Congratulations, that's step one.

The deserving part deserves some further discussion. 

Seems like @BearSchlong or was it @Reagan1k had a good handle on this phenomenon.

I'll mark a spot to remind myself to get back here at the house.

 @cactusflinthead 

[troph 24905]

I’m having a hard time with depression right now. Hard to breath today. Crying uncomfortable and feel undeserving of good things or love. Not sure how else to explain it....

I see you. There’s nothing wrong with you. I don’t know you well but I know you are valuable, and your pain is real and ok.

[Reagan1k 3024]

On 11/1/2020 at 1:54 PM, Bogeywon said:

I’m having a hard time with depression right now. Hard to breath today. Crying uncomfortable and feel undeserving of good things or love. Not sure how else to explain it....

You are deserving of good things and love.  Feelings aren’t facts, although at times they can feel as such.

You’ve done the right thing by speaking up and realizing that you “feel” like that, even though that’s not reality.  Just because our mind thinks somethings, that doesn’t make it so-  again- feelings aren’t facts.

There are numerous things that could be firing in your head, life circumstances or imbalances in your body  that might lead to those feelings.

What’s important now is to acknowledge them, understand that it’s not the reality, and seek help to identify what’s causing those feelings.  It could be physiological or psychological causes, but it’s not true that you are undeserving.

A trusted, closed mouth friend at least, and a professional at best would be the important confidants at this point to help deconstruct those feelings and determine the root cause.  From there, you’ll have a pathway forward.

God speed, and I pray you find some comfort soon, along with the necessary assistance to get some relief from the thoughts that are lying to your heart.

Your posting here is proof that your heart knows what your head is doing isn’t factual or the truth. 

[cactusflinthead 27601]

More on it. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201901/when-you-feel-you-dont-deserve-be-happy

Here are some of the common sources of this self-sabotage:

Past sin(s)

Here folks look back on their lives and only see what they've done wrong, the people they've hurt. Their lives are a chronicle of destruction and sadness; guilt and regret are their primary emotions. Their unhappiness is a penance they forever pay.

 

There's more. Lots more. Johnny Cash and Elvis had survivor's guilt.

 

How many of us wanted to do more? Sometimes you have to accept that you did the best you could.

Make amends. Now there's the rubber hitting the road. That's you taking ownership of it and doing what you can. 

We're a good starting point. But, don't stop here. It might take a few tries to find a counselor that meshes well with you. Don't let that deter you. 

Again, what @Reagan1k said about feelings not being facts is crucial. To others on the outside looking in those feelings are anomalous. They can quite often point to some hard facts about us we are actively dismissing. An outside voice you can trust is a valuable resource.

I heard someone preach on it using Elijah at his down point. He was on the run. Everything looked mighty bleak. He was ready to die and said so. God told him chill out bro, we got lots of backup. I've got some thousands ready to kick some ass. You think we're done? 

It's a thousand times better than you think it is.

 

[HRSchenker 2273]

How many of you have struggled with discovering your purpose in life? What did you do to figure it all out? 

[XYZ 2154]

3 hours ago, HRSchenker said:

How many of you have struggled with discovering your purpose in life?

My best guess is: all of us

3 hours ago, HRSchenker said:

What did you do to figure it all out? 

I haven’t figured anything out, but I’ve been exploring buddhism and find that it fits me better than christianity did. Everything is impermanent. And that’s OK. 

[TwiceHorn 31529]

I heard a thing on This American Life about this therapy for PTSD called CPT, Cognitive Processing Therapy.

https://www.thisamericanlife.org/682/ten-sessions

This gal described going through it and it seemed eminently practical and effective, with a claimed result of your becoming your own therapist.

This particular "author" did it for past sexual abuse, which is not something entirely relatable for me.  But her description of the therapy -- dealing with thought or processing errors -- seemed almost universally applicable.