Depression, OCD, and whatever else ails you between the ears

[troph 24791]

8 hours ago, Patricio Swayze said:

I find myself stuck. Recently employed after 1.25 year lay off due to covid. Two kids and and a mortgage, but mentally, not much has change. Anxiety about how long my job will last, if I am competent to do the job, am I good parent blah blah blah. I find myself thinking more and more about friends who have passed away. Listening to music that triggers those feelings. I don’t even k is what I am trying to say. Fuck. I hate this feeling.

Bozo’s right.  And time to be thankful, kids, wife, job, summer is waning and while it’s hot it’s been amazing weather wise, crack open a beer and talk yourself into the high life a little.  That’s NOT minimizing it, it’s working though it. It’s ok to feel those things, but you need a self advocate that says “yeah ok, but look over here this is great.”  Find a way to enjoy a moment.  Put your feet up, breathe deeply (box breathe), enjoy a tasty beverage (tea, beer whatever). Grill some meat this weekend, find some water to jump into. Find reason to celebrate what you have. Hug your peeps a tad longer, whisper you love them in their ear, dwell on these things, yeah anxiety fuck man I get it, and you have a lot around you that’s stable and good. Lean into that and don’t let anxiety in the moment rob you. It’s not denial of the anxiety it’s acceptance of it and then self care and self treatment you gotta do to help yourself. 

Edited August 13, 2021 by troph

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

7 hours ago, Bozo_Casanova said:

Man that’a your version of imposter syndrome. We all have it.

100%. 

And as "the boss", I can tell you that if you show up and don't cause shit, you are 99% ahead of the game. Working is 95% soft skills and 5% talent. You've got this @Patricio Swayze

[Parliament 14258]

7 hours ago, Bozo_Casanova said:

...imposter syndrome.

I hadta Google that, and wow.  Feels familiar.  I got a respectable raise* 2 months ago, and was happy about it for like 2 days.  Don't even get a buzz when I see my paycheck every week.

*nothing that makes me Surly 1% or anything.  Still though.

[TwiceHorn 31465]

8 hours ago, Bozo_Casanova said:

self-talk actually helps

I didn't used to believe this, and it's so Stuart Smalley.  But the internal dialog is important.  Mine used to be not exactly negative, but self-deprecating.  And that's no good.  If you observe chronically depressed people, you usually can see that their internal dialog is terrible.

You don't have to go full-on Stuart Smalley, baby steps.  "You're OK" is a pretty good start.

Also, common among alkies, but also among the civilian population is "terminal uniqueness."  You tend to think that whatever's happening to you is extra bad, and probably your fault because you are an extra dumbass, or extra something.

I find it oddly comforting to remind myself that whatever I'm going through is pretty common, and, if there's a mistake or error involved, it's common too.  Whatever it is happens to smart, capable people that aren't mentally defective.  I'm OK.  Everything is OK.  And gratitude for what's right in life helps take the focus away from what's wrong.

Edited August 13, 2021 by TwiceHorn

[Patricio Swayze 17058]

Thanks y’all. Just kind of hit me hard last night. Focusing on work today then the weekend.

[XYZ 2154]

Swayze:

Congrats on getting a job. I remember that you had been without a job for a long ass time. I experienced that a couple of times and it sucked. Anyhow, congrats. You and I met once, when we went into the astrodome and you took some cool photos and some annoying guy kept pestering me about why we were there until we had to leave. I really dig visiting abandoned sites. Missile silos, mental asylums, amusement parks, mines, etc. Are you still doing photogtaphy?

[Patricio Swayze 17058]

Swayze:
Congrats on getting a job. I remember that you had been without a job for a long ass time. I experienced that a couple of times and it sucked. Anyhow, congrats. You and I met once, when we went into the astrodome and you took some cool photos and some annoying guy kept pestering me about why we were there until we had to leave. I really dig visiting abandoned sites. Missile silos, mental asylums, amusement parks, mines, etc. Are you still doing photogtaphy?

Thanks. Ans I didn’t know this was you. Changed your username!

That was awesome when we went. I got several photos that I like. More time would have been cool but just getting in for that short time was great.

Yep, still doing photography. Check the photo thread out in the Hobbies forum.
Also, I think you were asking about BJJ in Austin. I just saw it in that thread. If still interested I can give suggestions.

[mchookem 16334]

On 8/13/2021 at 8:41 AM, TwiceHorn said:

 

Also, common among alkies, but also among the civilian population is "terminal uniqueness."  You tend to think that whatever's happening to you is extra bad, and probably your fault because you are an extra dumbass, or extra something.

I find it oddly comforting to remind myself that whatever I'm going through is pretty common, and, if there's a mistake or error involved, it's common too.  Whatever it is happens to smart, capable people that aren't mentally defective.  I'm OK.  Everything is OK.  And gratitude for what's right in life helps take the focus away from what's wrong.

man...i do the exact opposite of this... whatever is ailing me, especially emotional/mental troubles, i spend so much time telling myself 'you are nothing special, everybody has to deal with this, and so much worse, get over yourself!' and just generally beating myself up and downplaying it as so common, basically feeling guilty for feeling bad, what right do i have to get worked up over it (whatever 'it' is). 

i go to therapy...and spend a good amount of time trashing myself for even being there lol. 

[ROFL BOX 6649]

I had one of those dreams where you sorta actively know you're in a dream but still can't do anything about it.

Anyhow, a small bit of background; I was briefly in the USAF & as some of y'all know, my Dad retired 30 years, O4 (Major, Security Police is what they called it when he was in, now "Security Forces") & that rank is about as high up the food chain as one can get in the AF if you don't fly planes.  Anyhow, Dad's now in Section 71, Arlington.

In the dream, I somehow had an ROTC uniform & apparently had some Captains bars on the uniform.  I was wearing the C-cap (pointy one for you civilians), had no fruit salad, was afraid I'd be spotted in the uniform doing the whole "stolen valor" thing... & was trying to walk into DKR on the 1st home game, unchallenged, simply because I was in uniform.  I also still had the current beard business that I now have, so yeah - that wasn't gonna set off any alarms, nope.  In the dream I was nervous as fuck, afraid I'd get spotted & was trying to remember what the various ribbons would be for someone of my apparent age... & in the dream, a couple of different things instantly popped onto my rack; AFOUA, GWOT-S, AFOEA, etc. (no clusters).  It was a 3 row rack.

Anyhow, somehow I was instantly inside the gates & wandering around, looking for a good spot to sit but not be noticed.  No "all access" pass or anything like that.  But in the dream, I was still stressing because here I am, a dude in my 50's with only an O3 rank & it was obvious I didn't look like I was in my early 40's.

...& Then I had to take a piss, so I woke up.

[OWLVIS 557]

I feel myself in a bad place its  a year and a half since the stroke and while I am getting better it's going way too slow first the late start on therapy because of pandemic now stress because I'm running out of money I'm just not doing well I feel like I've been in isolation for a year and a half and even though I do have friends that want to help I never see any of them  the isolation is just getting to me.

[Reagan1k 3024]

On 8/15/2021 at 11:25 PM, mchookem said:

man...i do the exact opposite of this... whatever is ailing me, especially emotional/mental troubles, i spend so much time telling myself 'you are nothing special, everybody has to deal with this, and so much worse, get over yourself!' and just generally beating myself up and downplaying it as so common, basically feeling guilty for feeling bad, what right do i have to get worked up over it (whatever 'it' is). 

i go to therapy...and spend a good amount of time trashing myself for even being there lol. 

In my experience a feeling of terminal uniqueness as @TwiceHorn described is really any sense that we are unique among our peers.....that our case is different.  Whether that be that no one understands MY situation, no one feels like this, or even that I have it better than the average soul and have no right to complain.  It carves us out of the herd, mentally.

Anything that frames our emotions as unique, unwarranted, or not periodically and commonly shared by others makes us question ourselves.

Just something to consider....

Edited August 27, 2021 by Reagan1k

[Reagan1k 3024]

22 hours ago, OWLVIS said:

I feel myself in a bad place its  a year and a half since the stroke and while I am getting better it's going way too slow first the late start on therapy because of pandemic now stress because I'm running out of money I'm just not doing well I feel like I've been in isolation for a year and a half and even though I do have friends that want to help I never see any of them  the isolation is just getting to me.

@OWLVIS  That isolation sucks.  The last 18 months have felt like 18 years.  Hang in there.   You have a great story of perseverance to tell and the time will soon come that you are able to reconnect and reengage as you continue to recover.  God speed to you.

[TwiceHorn 31465]

On 8/15/2021 at 11:25 PM, mchookem said:

man...i do the exact opposite of this... whatever is ailing me, especially emotional/mental troubles, i spend so much time telling myself 'you are nothing special, everybody has to deal with this, and so much worse, get over yourself!' and just generally beating myself up and downplaying it as so common, basically feeling guilty for feeling bad, what right do i have to get worked up over it (whatever 'it' is). 

i go to therapy...and spend a good amount of time trashing myself for even being there lol. 

Well, part of it is a particular revelation that I had with the assistance of a psych who was a pretty good therapist, for me, anyway.

I never really get down around the holidays, but nor do I get super-pumped either.  When I was a kid, we'd go to my grandparents and have big family celebrations and Santa and presents and all that.  Well, my parents and grandparents were older, so by the time I was about 10, they were gone or living with us and the holidays went pretty rapidly from really cool kid shit to just another day with Mom and Dad.  Definitely took some of the fun out of it and a little earlier, perhaps, than many kids come to grips with less-than-big Christmases.

Well, I got sober for the last time on December 7, so around the holidays.  My doc asked me if I struggled during the holidays.  And I said, no, not really, but I do sort of feel like other people have such a good time, and I really don't.  Not a bad time, but I don't share the joy other than trying to bear in mind the religious significance and such.

And he gave me the blinding glimpse of the obvious that I really have no idea what other people go through during the holidays.  A lot of the "joy" is fake and often chemically enhanced.  That other people were having great holidays and I was just meh was just a giant and likely erroneous ASSumption on my part.  That somehow struck a real chord with me.

So, like Reagan said, it is important for me to maintain balance in the world by reminding myself that I am not much different from my fellow man.  Not a lot better and not a lot worse, on average.  That way I don't over dramatize or "catastrophize" my troubles nor do I beat myself up over mistakes that may cause or contribute to them.  Gratitude and acceptance figure into that a lot too.  

[troph 24791]

If the holidays are enjoyable for some they are likely maddening for them too.  Family is usually super complicated.  Also lots of dopamine chasing going on even if alcohol isn’t included (raises her hand) which leads to a January depression.  If you don’t have the super high you don’t have the super low. A friend of mine is insane about the holidays and she is always on suicide watch in January.  Just another angle to consider.  

[Reagan1k 3024]

8 hours ago, TwiceHorn said:

I really have no idea what other people go through.....

And I'll add - what other people are feeling........ despite how they look or act from my perspective.

HUGE point there by Twice.  It was pointed out to me that one of the most damaging mental activities in which we engage is the act of comparison.  Most of the time we are comparing our internal feelings with others' outward appearance.   We become self-deprecating, have a sense of isolation, or feel guilty for having certain emotions in light of our circumstances vs. theirs.  All this is based on a perception and not the truth.

I feel sad but they look or act happy.  I feel scared but they look or act fearless.  I feel awkward in this social setting but they look or act natural and at ease.  

What Twice illustrated through his own experience is one of the major benefits of good work with a professional, or for those of us with an 'ism, the benefits of a thorough walk through a 12-step program.  It forces you to get those emotions past your teeth and in discussion you find out that your feelings aren't unique and others struggle with the same deals.

It's the SWAN analogy - gliding gracefully across the water.  What you don't see is that bird is paddling like a sumbitch under the surface.  Each swan knows it is, but it's outward appearance doesn't portray that.  The other swans just see the grace on the surface and all think they must be the only ones struggling to keep up.

This thread provides some benefit in this manner because it's a method to spit out those emotions in a non-threatening venue, and hear back that others relate.

Working with a professional to wade through those emotions (if you are honest about it) helps people realize that feelings aren't facts, and that while we can't control our initial emotions, we can control what we do with them.  What CBT helps us do is to take those natural emotions and process through them using specific tools and a different perspective.

 

 

[ROFL BOX 6649]

55 on Sunday. I'm not enthused. It's almost like Christmas - you're supposed to burst out with glitter or some shit when it is really just another revolution around our sun.

Going to see Shane Smith & the Saints tonight @ ACL Live, so that should be good.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

[XYZ 2154]

Get this. I turned 50 a month ago. On my birthday I get a call from the HEB pharmacy and they leave me a message saying “hey, you turned 50, you should get the shingles vaccine”. So I’m like yeah, OK, I’ll do that eventually. Three days later I got the fucking shingles.

[Lidig8r 1873]

Sorry, real post to shortly follow. Author's foul up.

 

Edited August 27, 2021 by Lidig8r

[Bogeywon 2519]

Today I learned my best friends dad took his own life due to mental health issues. He sent me a text to let me know. He later called me and he told me he was sad about his dad but her started crying and told me to promise him I wouldn’t let it get that bad. I’m at a loss. I feel my heart stop every now and then. Man what did I do to deserve this friend. I’m in a good place but today’s a sad day….

[UpperWestside 6163]

I got in touch last night with my 4th grade teacher that I haven’t talked to since I was in her class. I really enjoyed her teaching style and since this will be my first year to teach I wanted to get some advice from her. It wound up being a great conversation and we talked for about two hours about a variety of subjects. It was great to reconnect with a part of my childhood that was really good. She gave some sound advice on teaching (I will be a 4th grade special education teacher here in Washington Heights) and to remember to meet the students where they are at in every aspect, whether it be where they are at academically or emotionally. For me it was really cool to get the support of a teacher who made such a positive impact upon my young life. 

[Guest]

On 8/16/2021 at 1:56 AM, ROFL BOX said:

I had one of those dreams where you sorta actively know you're in a dream but still can't do anything about it.

Anyhow, a small bit of background; I was briefly in the USAF & as some of y'all know, my Dad retired 30 years, O4 (Major, Security Police is what they called it when he was in, now "Security Forces") & that rank is about as high up the food chain as one can get in the AF if you don't fly planes.  Anyhow, Dad's now in Section 71, Arlington.

In the dream, I somehow had an ROTC uniform & apparently had some Captains bars on the uniform.  I was wearing the C-cap (pointy one for you civilians), had no fruit salad, was afraid I'd be spotted in the uniform doing the whole "stolen valor" thing... & was trying to walk into DKR on the 1st home game, unchallenged, simply because I was in uniform.  I also still had the current beard business that I now have, so yeah - that wasn't gonna set off any alarms, nope.  In the dream I was nervous as fuck, afraid I'd get spotted & was trying to remember what the various ribbons would be for someone of my apparent age... & in the dream, a couple of different things instantly popped onto my rack; AFOUA, GWOT-S, AFOEA, etc. (no clusters).  It was a 3 row rack.

Anyhow, somehow I was instantly inside the gates & wandering around, looking for a good spot to sit but not be noticed.  No "all access" pass or anything like that.  But in the dream, I was still stressing because here I am, a dude in my 50's with only an O3 rank & it was obvious I didn't look like I was in my early 40's.

...& Then I had to take a piss, so I woke up.

One of my most frequent dreams like that is like the crucible in Marine Corps basic training, which I predated in 1989 when I went through; but the twist is that it in Beast for West Point. We are finishing up the week and I go to formation in my skivvies.  I have lost all of my gear and uniforms... In the dream, my oldest son is one of the inspecting officers and is embarrassed/ pissed off.  Another one  is the Army-Navy game and I am going to suit up for the Cadets, but I forget all of the plays.

Sometimes I think I am worried I am not good enough as a dad or husband.  Maybe I'm just full of shit, but I've had that 1st dream at least 3-4 times where I woke up and just felt terrible, until I realized it hadn't really happened.

[troph 24791]

Had one too many drinks Saturday night and ate too many carbs, now I feel like shit. Complete mental health nose dive. Probs is mental health nose dive wants to blame it on something else, that’s the real screwed up part.  Can’t just say I ate poorly it’ll get better in a few days. Middle age is a bitch.  Cross post to getting old sucks and body transformation threads too (not really posting). We are what we eat I guess isn’t untrue. I ate crap now I feel like it too. I’m pretty mad at myself I was on at least a one month good health roll.  Starting over today. 

[Bozo_Casanova 26455]

My older girl leaves for college in Scotland tomorrow. I’m proud and happy for her.
 

I’m devastated and heartbroken. To cope I created a bunch of self-inflicted hassles like a remodel and a potential job change. Also my in-laws are moving into a home and my MIL is in hospice for Alzheimer’s. Also, there a bunch of father stuff I meant to do that I guess I never got to, and there’s a real risk I’m going to smother my other daughter with it and drive her away. 

Basically I need a ton of money, a time machine, and a zero calorie alternative to alcohol. Is that drugs?

[Bozo_Casanova 26455]

13 hours ago, troph said:

Had one too many drinks Saturday night and ate too many carbs, now I feel like shit. Complete mental health nose dive. Probs is mental health nose dive wants to blame it on something else, that’s the real screwed up part.  Can’t just say I ate poorly it’ll get better in a few days. Middle age is a bitch.  Cross post to getting old sucks and body transformation threads too (not really posting). We are what we eat I guess isn’t untrue. I ate crap now I feel like it too. I’m pretty mad at myself I was on at least a one month good health roll.  Starting over today. 

Oh and I’ve been eating like shit and put on 9 pounds in the last 30 days. GREAT SUCCESS!

[Parliament 14258]

1 hour ago, Bozo_Casanova said:

My older girl leaves for college in Scotland tomorrow. I’m proud and happy for her.
 

I’m devastated and heartbroken. To cope I created a bunch of self-inflicted hassles like a remodel and a potential job change. Also my in-laws are moving into a home and my MIL is in hospice for Alzheimer’s. Also, there a bunch of father stuff I meant to do that I guess I never got to, and there’s a real risk I’m going to smother my other daughter with it and drive her away. 

Basically I need a ton of money, a time machine, and a zero calorie alternative to alcohol. Is that drugs?

Get you one of those sugarbabies.

[Bozo_Casanova 26455]

1 hour ago, Parliament said:

Get you one of those sugarbabies.

Sheeeeeit. I’m already paying for somebody’s college and housing.

[ROFL BOX 6649]

2 hours ago, Bozo_Casanova said:

...like a remodel...

Do tell.

[Bogeywon 2519]

On 8/29/2021 at 12:16 PM, Bogeywon said:

Today I learned my best friends dad took his own life due to mental health issues. He sent me a text to let me know. He later called me and he told me he was sad about his dad but her started crying and told me to promise him I wouldn’t let it get that bad. I’m at a loss. I feel my heart stop every now and then. Man what did I do to deserve this friend. I’m in a good place but today’s a sad day….

https://secure.givelively.org/donate/six-feet-over/in-memory-of-thomas-michael-capizzo
 

you don’t have to donate that’s not the point of this post. Just wanted some of you to read about my friends dad. He was a great guy. Saw my friend yesterday for the first time since it happened. Good to see him. Funeral isn’t till Tuesday and Wednesday. Dang this one hurts 

[troph 24791]

2 hours ago, Bogeywon said:

https://secure.givelively.org/donate/six-feet-over/in-memory-of-thomas-michael-capizzo
 

you don’t have to donate that’s not the point of this post. Just wanted some of you to read about my friends dad. He was a great guy. Saw my friend yesterday for the first time since it happened. Good to see him. Funeral isn’t till Tuesday and Wednesday. Dang this one hurts 

Thank you for sharing. He sounds like he was a gem of a human. Reading about him and re-reading your post … you just never know. Some of us are fun times people, generous and kind out of abundance. Others of us chase fun as medication, we give out of pain.  My one wish for those of us in the latter group, may we never stop chasing the cure and may we find peace in the turmoil through those acts of kindness and fun times. Peace to everyone here, you are not alone, and today is Saturday, we are alive, the earth’s turning is evident as another season starts today. Let’s give thanks, breath deep and chase the fun times. Go horns! 

Edited September 4, 2021 by troph

[Lidig8r 1873]

Gentlemen, some on here may recall that eating disorders took my daughter in October 2016. My mental make up is such that the crushing grief manifested itself in a certain way. I have become a bit of a loose cannon, madman (so to speak) in the eating disorder community. Helping kids get into treatment. Fighting insurance companies. Writing frequent articles on the industry. Suing the National Eating Disorder Association for fraud. Along the way, I have collaborated with quite a few and have made some wonderful connections.

So, these connections and collaborations are coming together this upcoming Saturday, Sept. 11. On the 20th commemoration of 9/11, we are hosting a mental health resource fair in Addison. But, the event will have more of a "Morning in Central Park" vibe to it. The Revelers Hall Band is giving a free concert (N'awlins type jazz band), power yoga, fishing in Prestonwood Pond, games and oh yes... about 40 mental health resource tables. The idea is to get people to come out, have some fun and oh by the way, if anyone is curious, there will be many resources and people who can help right there.

So, come one come all.

And, if we can even help one person, one person in need ... then, is there anything better in life than that?

ANNOUNCE-INFO-NEW2.pdf

[troph 24791]

That’s revolutionary my man, to celebrate, have a good time, all in the name of seeking help for mental health.  Talk about iconoclastic. I love it. 

[Bozo_Casanova 26455]

One of my junior reps lives in New Orleans, and is currently staying with friends in another state because of the hurricane. He and his live-in, long term GF were in the process of breaking up, and are now stuck together. Maybe they are working it out and maybe not. It’s a very tough time for them both. 
 

At any rate, he’s doing a great job and we’ve decided not to hire a more senior rep, and instead to promote him into the job. We also (after  some hard conversations with HR) decided to pay him at the market rate like we had hired him externally instead of punishing him for developing too fast. 
 

so I got to call him today and tell him that his variable pay is increasing by 25% and his base pay is increasing by 50%. Effective today. 

He started crying. Feels good, man. I’m fucked up in a lot of ways but I’m a good boss, a good father and a good friend, and I need to create more opportunities to create joy and growth for others. 
 

Edited September 6, 2021 by Bozo_Casanova

[YChang 3444]

He started crying. Feels good, man. I’m fucked up in a lot of ways but I’m a good boss, a good father and a good friend, and I need to create more opportunities to create joy and growth for others. 

That’s fantastic! What an awesome feeling that must have been. But what about doing the same for yourself?

[ROFL BOX 6649]

On 9/6/2021 at 5:54 PM, Bozo_Casanova said:

I need to create more opportunities to create joy and growth for others. 

 

Hi.  Again.

[Bozo_Casanova 26455]

13 hours ago, YChang said:

 

That’s fantastic! What an awesome feeling that must have been. But what about doing the same for yourself?

 

I just need to get through the next 2-3 weeks. Hopefully that will enable some good things.

 

 

Edited September 10, 2021 by Bozo_Casanova

[YChang 3444]

8 minutes ago, Bozo_Casanova said:

I just need to get through the next 2-3 weeks. Hopefully that will enable some good things.

 

 

Maybe a throwback to your avatar pic and get some bbq in pink and plaid. 😄

[Guest]

This seems trivial AF to me and if it is, please just have admins delete the post, and it's totally cool.  Don't want to disrupt the flow of this thread, but I think this applies. I want to talk about something that I have been dealing with.

First off, I grew up extremely poor. Suddenly single mom in the 80's, with 3 kids, of whom I was the youngest. We seemingly always had enough to eat, but a lot of it was literally gov't cheese and the commodities they gave out at the time. There were many, many times where the end of the month was rice...or beans, but not both. We rationed that shit out just to make it.  My clothes were mostly hand me-downs or donations. Caught a lot of shit at school because of it.  I always hated it, even though I had friends because of sports and at church-  I felt like I didn't have a chance with some people because of it, which I learned later in life was actually a benefit.

Joined the Marine Corps because I knew I couldn't afford college, even back then.  Came back, went to school, got a job with a great company.  Started putting in work and growing my career.  30 years later, we have no unreasonable financial risk.  Much in the way Bodhi was never going back to prison, I have vowed to never face financial hardship remotely approaching what I lived as a child.  So far, mission accomplished. We have a sound financial plan and I have worked my ass off to make sure we are there.

Howevah... the enticement of big, fuck you money has always appealed to me, and maybe it was in the past 5-6 years or so that I realized, yeah, I'm never going to earn "fuck you' money straight up.  Hey, what if I won $1,000,000 on this lottery ticket?  On the $50 tickets, it can be $10million.   It could happen to me!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I know you're on the edge of your seat; but let me just say it didn't happen.  I was buying up to $1000/month in the worst times of something even I called "The idiot tax." There were literally no current scratchoffs in any denomination that I had not played.  $10-$20-$50 a pop- didn't matter.   I knew it was stupid.  I knew it wasn't going to work, but hey, lightning can strike, right? So, $250 a week isn't that hard to hide, especially with travel for work/ meals/ transportation. I know how to build a 'run-rate' from work.  I'm not a drugs/ whores kind of guy, so the wife wasn't worried about that front.  The thing that stood out to her was anytime we rode somewhere in my truck, she'd comment about all of the dust, or little shavings from the scratchers that would go in the cracks and crevasses.  She didn't ride my ass, but it was more like, WTF are you doing still buying scratch-offs?

September 1, I stopped and I haven't told anyone. Keep in mind, I work in the food/grocery industry, so I am constantly around the machines and customers who buy them.  It's like an alcoholic who works in nothing but clubs and bars. I have felt shame.  I have felt disappointment.  I just finally decided enough is enough.  Fuck this stupid shit. Yesterday morning, I was gassing up to go out of town.  I go in and buy a soda for the road and see a new $10 and new $20 ticket in the case.  I was waiting for this day...to see new releases, that before my decision would drive my buying.  New games were fun and exciting,  but seeing these made me say say, "Fuck yeah, there are 2 games I haven't bought in that whole damned case."  It was like seeing progress.  I felt good about it.

The other thing is that I am letting that money that I was blowing filter back into our accounts. Wife is going to eventually ask, "Where's this extra money coming from?"  I am so fucking blessed with regard to my job/ income.  Something in my head kept trying to convince me it wasn't enough.  Maybe I wasn't enough...   The lottery is the solution.  LOFL.  Holy fuck, it still seems dumb as hell, but hey, let's talk about it on a message board.  It's the weirdly cathartic surly experience.  Anyhoo, thanks for letting me share this.   I'm probably handling it all wrong too.  Maximum vulnerability on this thread.

 

Edited September 12, 2021 by slorch

[TwiceHorn 31465]

24 minutes ago, slorch said:

This seems trivial AF to me and if it is, please just have admins delete the post, and it's totally cool.  Don't want to disrupt the flow of this thread, but I think this applies. I want to talk about something that I have been dealing with.

First off, I grew up extremely poor. Suddenly single mom in the 80's, with 3 kids, of whom I was the youngest. We seemingly always had enough to eat, but a lot of it was literally gov't cheese and the commodities they gave out at the time. There were many, many times where the end of the month was rice...or beans, but not both. We rationed that shit out just to make it.  My clothes were mostly hand me-downs or donations. Caught a lot of shit at school because of it.  I always hated it, even though I had friends because of sports and at church-  I felt like I didn't have a chance with some people because of it, which I learned later in life was actually a benefit.

Joined the Marine Corps because I knew I couldn't afford college, even back then.  Came back, went to school, got a job with a great company.  Started putting in work and growing my career.  30 years later, we have no unreasonable financial risk.  Much in the way Bodhi was never going back to prison, I have vowed to never face financial hardship remotely approaching what I lived as a child.  So far, mission accomplished. We have a sound financial plan and I have worked my ass off to make sure we are there.

Howevah... the enticement of big, fuck you money has always appealed to me, and maybe it was in the past 5-6 years or so that I realized, yeah, I'm never going to earn "fuck you' money straight up.  Hey, what if I won $1,000,000 on this lottery ticket?  On the $50 tickets, it can be $10million.   It could happen to me!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I know you're on the edge of your seat; but let me just say it didn't happen.  I was buying up to $1000/month in the worst times of something even I called "The idiot tax." There were literally no current scratchoffs in any denomination that I had not played.  $10-$20-$50 a pop- didn't matter.   I knew it was stupid.  I knew it wasn't going to work, but hey, lightning can strike, right? So, $250 a week isn't that hard to hide, especially with travel for work/ meals/ transportation. I know how to build a 'run-rate' from work.  I'm not a drugs/ whores kind of guy, so the wife wasn't worried about that front.  The thing that stood out to her was anytime we rode somewhere in my truck, she'd comment about all of the dust, or little shavings from the scratchers that would go in the cracks and crevasses.  She didn't ride my ass, but it was more like, WTF are you doing still buying scratch-offs?

September 1, I stopped and I haven't told anyone. Keep in mind, I work in the food/grocery industry, so I am constantly around the machines and customers who buy them.  It's like an alcoholic who works in nothing but clubs and bars. I have felt shame.  I have felt disappointment.  I just finally decided enough is enough.  Fuck this stupid shit. Yesterday morning, I was gassing up to go out of town.  I go in and buy a soda for the road and see a new $10 and new $20 ticket in the case.  I was waiting for this day...to see new releases, that before my decision would drive my buying.  New games were fun and exciting,  but seeing these made me say say, "Fuck yeah, there are 2 games I haven't bought in that whole damned case."  It was like seeing progress.  I felt good about it.

The other thing is that I am letting that money that I was blowing filter back into our accounts. Wife is going to eventually ask, "Where's this extra money coming from?"  I am so fucking blessed with regard to my job/ income.  Something in my head kept trying to convince me it wasn't enough.  Maybe I wasn't enough...   The lottery is the solution.  LOFL.  Holy fuck, it still seems dumb as hell, but hey, let's talk about it on a message board.  It's the weirdly cathartic surly experience.  Anyhoo, thanks for letting me share this.   I'm probably handling it all wrong too.  Maximum vulnerability on this thread.

 

Not trivial.  People can engage in compulsive behavior without being full-blown addicts.  Certain things give certain people a little buzz of endorphins.  Commonly something as simple and at least superficially harmless as posting on a message board.  Sometimes booze, sometimes drugs, sometimes gambling, sometimes sexual behavior.

If you can recognize it on your own and deal with it, that is, stop it or moderate it; then it's all good.  Some people's brains seem to be wired such that they have real trouble doing that and are going to need to make a really concerted effort to change things in order to stop.  For those people, it's not just that the compulsion is really strong, the brain actively attempts to minimize the problem so that you become really susceptible to resuming the behavior, no matter how clearly at some points you see that it is a problem and you must stop.

Edited September 12, 2021 by TwiceHorn

[YChang 3444]

3 hours ago, slorch said:

This seems trivial AF to me and if it is, please just have admins delete the post, and it's totally cool. 

September 1, I stopped and I haven't told anyone. Keep in mind, I work in the food/grocery industry, so I am constantly around the machines and customers who buy them.  It's like an alcoholic who works in nothing but clubs and bars. I have felt shame.  I have felt disappointment.  I just finally decided enough is enough.  Fuck this stupid shit. Yesterday morning, I was gassing up to go out of town.  I go in and buy a soda for the road and see a new $10 and new $20 ticket in the case.  I was waiting for this day...to see new releases, that before my decision would drive my buying.  New games were fun and exciting,  but seeing these made me say say, "Fuck yeah, there are 2 games I haven't bought in that whole damned case."  It was like seeing progress.  I felt good about it.

First off, nothing trivial about it and kudos for being self-aware enough to realize that this was a maladaptive behavior to the impact/trauma of your experience growing up.  You should feel proud and happy about this. Definitely celebrate, even if it’s an internal self thought of “kudos,” each time you resist the temptation to buy a scratch-off.

[Bogeywon 2519]

3 hours ago, slorch said:

This seems trivial AF to me and if it is, please just have admins delete the post, and it's totally cool.  Don't want to disrupt the flow of this thread, but I think this applies. I want to talk about something that I have been dealing with.

First off, I grew up extremely poor. Suddenly single mom in the 80's, with 3 kids, of whom I was the youngest. We seemingly always had enough to eat, but a lot of it was literally gov't cheese and the commodities they gave out at the time. There were many, many times where the end of the month was rice...or beans, but not both. We rationed that shit out just to make it.  My clothes were mostly hand me-downs or donations. Caught a lot of shit at school because of it.  I always hated it, even though I had friends because of sports and at church-  I felt like I didn't have a chance with some people because of it, which I learned later in life was actually a benefit.

Joined the Marine Corps because I knew I couldn't afford college, even back then.  Came back, went to school, got a job with a great company.  Started putting in work and growing my career.  30 years later, we have no unreasonable financial risk.  Much in the way Bodhi was never going back to prison, I have vowed to never face financial hardship remotely approaching what I lived as a child.  So far, mission accomplished. We have a sound financial plan and I have worked my ass off to make sure we are there.

Howevah... the enticement of big, fuck you money has always appealed to me, and maybe it was in the past 5-6 years or so that I realized, yeah, I'm never going to earn "fuck you' money straight up.  Hey, what if I won $1,000,000 on this lottery ticket?  On the $50 tickets, it can be $10million.   It could happen to me!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I know you're on the edge of your seat; but let me just say it didn't happen.  I was buying up to $1000/month in the worst times of something even I called "The idiot tax." There were literally no current scratchoffs in any denomination that I had not played.  $10-$20-$50 a pop- didn't matter.   I knew it was stupid.  I knew it wasn't going to work, but hey, lightning can strike, right? So, $250 a week isn't that hard to hide, especially with travel for work/ meals/ transportation. I know how to build a 'run-rate' from work.  I'm not a drugs/ whores kind of guy, so the wife wasn't worried about that front.  The thing that stood out to her was anytime we rode somewhere in my truck, she'd comment about all of the dust, or little shavings from the scratchers that would go in the cracks and crevasses.  She didn't ride my ass, but it was more like, WTF are you doing still buying scratch-offs?

September 1, I stopped and I haven't told anyone. Keep in mind, I work in the food/grocery industry, so I am constantly around the machines and customers who buy them.  It's like an alcoholic who works in nothing but clubs and bars. I have felt shame.  I have felt disappointment.  I just finally decided enough is enough.  Fuck this stupid shit. Yesterday morning, I was gassing up to go out of town.  I go in and buy a soda for the road and see a new $10 and new $20 ticket in the case.  I was waiting for this day...to see new releases, that before my decision would drive my buying.  New games were fun and exciting,  but seeing these made me say say, "Fuck yeah, there are 2 games I haven't bought in that whole damned case."  It was like seeing progress.  I felt good about it.

The other thing is that I am letting that money that I was blowing filter back into our accounts. Wife is going to eventually ask, "Where's this extra money coming from?"  I am so fucking blessed with regard to my job/ income.  Something in my head kept trying to convince me it wasn't enough.  Maybe I wasn't enough...   The lottery is the solution.  LOFL.  Holy fuck, it still seems dumb as hell, but hey, let's talk about it on a message board.  It's the weirdly cathartic surly experience.  Anyhoo, thanks for letting me share this.   I'm probably handling it all wrong too.  Maximum vulnerability on this thread.

 

Thank you for sharing 

[UpperWestside 6163]

Thursday was the first day of school and it was my first as a teacher. I have a class of 25 students. It’s 4th grade and I am the special education teacher for the class. I have a really good general education teacher to work with that is helping me learn everything I need to know along the way. I also found that teacher voice fairly quickly which was cool.

I never would have thought I would ever enter the teaching profession after I decided to stop pursuing it years ago due to a family illness. I feel at home teaching ELA and attempting to impart a love of reading onto these students in Washington Heights. I think I have a really good support system of teachers I had that are giving me advice as well as some advisors I have. When you find the thing that fulfills you it makes life feel so much different. Having a clear purpose in life is a blessing and I can only hope everyone else in this thread will find their own if you have not already done so.

Edited September 12, 2021 by UpperWestside

[UpperWestside 6163]

On 9/6/2021 at 6:54 PM, Bozo_Casanova said:

One of my junior reps lives in New Orleans, and is currently staying with friends in another state because of the hurricane. He and his live-in, long term GF were in the process of breaking up, and are now stuck together. Maybe they are working it out and maybe not. It’s a very tough time for them both. 
 

At any rate, he’s doing a great job and we’ve decided not to hire a more senior rep, and instead to promote him into the job. We also (after  some hard conversations with HR) decided to pay him at the market rate like we had hired him externally instead of punishing him for developing too fast. 
 

so I got to call him today and tell him that his variable pay is increasing by 25% and his base pay is increasing by 50%. Effective today. 

He started crying. Feels good, man. I’m fucked up in a lot of ways but I’m a good boss, a good father and a good friend, and I need to create more opportunities to create joy and growth for others. 
 

This is such a cool thing to read today!  We need more bosses like yourself out there. You did real good here man. 

[YChang 3444]

1 hour ago, UpperWestside said:

I never would have thought I would ever enter the teaching profession after I decided to stop pursuing it years ago due to a family illness. I feel at home teaching ELA and attempting to impart a love of reading onto these students in Washington Heights. 

Please tell me you break into hip-hop and song with well choreographed dances while you’re teaching throughout the day. 

[BearSchlong 8093]

This seems trivial AF to me and if it is, please just have admins delete the post, and it's totally cool.  Don't want to disrupt the flow of this thread, but I think this applies. I want to talk about something that I have been dealing with.
First off, I grew up extremely poor. Suddenly single mom in the 80's, with 3 kids, of whom I was the youngest. We seemingly always had enough to eat, but a lot of it was literally gov't cheese and the commodities they gave out at the time. There were many, many times where the end of the month was rice...or beans, but not both. We rationed that shit out just to make it.  My clothes were mostly hand me-downs or donations. Caught a lot of shit at school because of it.  I always hated it, even though I had friends because of sports and at church-  I felt like I didn't have a chance with some people because of it, which I learned later in life was actually a benefit.
Joined the Marine Corps because I knew I couldn't afford college, even back then.  Came back, went to school, got a job with a great company.  Started putting in work and growing my career.  30 years later, we have no unreasonable financial risk.  Much in the way Bodhi was never going back to prison, I have vowed to never face financial hardship remotely approaching what I lived as a child.  So far, mission accomplished. We have a sound financial plan and I have worked my ass off to make sure we are there.
Howevah... the enticement of big, fuck you money has always appealed to me, and maybe it was in the past 5-6 years or so that I realized, yeah, I'm never going to earn "fuck you' money straight up.  Hey, what if I won $1,000,000 on this lottery ticket?  On the $50 tickets, it can be $10million.   It could happen to me!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, I know you're on the edge of your seat; but let me just say it didn't happen.  I was buying up to $1000/month in the worst times of something even I called "The idiot tax." There were literally no current scratchoffs in any denomination that I had not played.  $10-$20-$50 a pop- didn't matter.   I knew it was stupid.  I knew it wasn't going to work, but hey, lightning can strike, right? So, $250 a week isn't that hard to hide, especially with travel for work/ meals/ transportation. I know how to build a 'run-rate' from work.  I'm not a drugs/ whores kind of guy, so the wife wasn't worried about that front.  The thing that stood out to her was anytime we rode somewhere in my truck, she'd comment about all of the dust, or little shavings from the scratchers that would go in the cracks and crevasses.  She didn't ride my ass, but it was more like, WTF are you doing still buying scratch-offs?
September 1, I stopped and I haven't told anyone. Keep in mind, I work in the food/grocery industry, so I am constantly around the machines and customers who buy them.  It's like an alcoholic who works in nothing but clubs and bars. I have felt shame.  I have felt disappointment.  I just finally decided enough is enough.  Fuck this stupid shit. Yesterday morning, I was gassing up to go out of town.  I go in and buy a soda for the road and see a new $10 and new $20 ticket in the case.  I was waiting for this day...to see new releases, that before my decision would drive my buying.  New games were fun and exciting,  but seeing these made me say say, "Fuck yeah, there are 2 games I haven't bought in that whole damned case."  It was like seeing progress.  I felt good about it.
The other thing is that I am letting that money that I was blowing filter back into our accounts. Wife is going to eventually ask, "Where's this extra money coming from?"  I am so fucking blessed with regard to my job/ income.  Something in my head kept trying to convince me it wasn't enough.  Maybe I wasn't enough...   The lottery is the solution.  LOFL.  Holy fuck, it still seems dumb as hell, but hey, let's talk about it on a message board.  It's the weirdly cathartic surly experience.  Anyhoo, thanks for letting me share this.   I'm probably handling it all wrong too.  Maximum vulnerability on this thread.
 

Much respect. Not trivial at all.

[UpperWestside 6163]

2 hours ago, YChang said:

Please tell me you break into hip-hop and song with well choreographed dances while you’re teaching throughout the day. 

Honest to God I am trying to figure out something to do along those lines as far as dancing. It’ll probably be sometime in November before I attempt it. 

[UpperWestside 6163]

9 hours ago, slorch said:

This seems trivial AF to me and if it is, please just have admins delete the post, and it's totally cool.  Don't want to disrupt the flow of this thread, but I think this applies. I want to talk about something that I have been dealing with.

First off, I grew up extremely poor. Suddenly single mom in the 80's, with 3 kids, of whom I was the youngest. We seemingly always had enough to eat, but a lot of it was literally gov't cheese and the commodities they gave out at the time. There were many, many times where the end of the month was rice...or beans, but not both. We rationed that shit out just to make it.  My clothes were mostly hand me-downs or donations. Caught a lot of shit at school because of it.  I always hated it, even though I had friends because of sports and at church-  I felt like I didn't have a chance with some people because of it, which I learned later in life was actually a benefit.

Joined the Marine Corps because I knew I couldn't afford college, even back then.  Came back, went to school, got a job with a great company.  Started putting in work and growing my career.  30 years later, we have no unreasonable financial risk.  Much in the way Bodhi was never going back to prison, I have vowed to never face financial hardship remotely approaching what I lived as a child.  So far, mission accomplished. We have a sound financial plan and I have worked my ass off to make sure we are there.

Howevah... the enticement of big, fuck you money has always appealed to me, and maybe it was in the past 5-6 years or so that I realized, yeah, I'm never going to earn "fuck you' money straight up.  Hey, what if I won $1,000,000 on this lottery ticket?  On the $50 tickets, it can be $10million.   It could happen to me!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I know you're on the edge of your seat; but let me just say it didn't happen.  I was buying up to $1000/month in the worst times of something even I called "The idiot tax." There were literally no current scratchoffs in any denomination that I had not played.  $10-$20-$50 a pop- didn't matter.   I knew it was stupid.  I knew it wasn't going to work, but hey, lightning can strike, right? So, $250 a week isn't that hard to hide, especially with travel for work/ meals/ transportation. I know how to build a 'run-rate' from work.  I'm not a drugs/ whores kind of guy, so the wife wasn't worried about that front.  The thing that stood out to her was anytime we rode somewhere in my truck, she'd comment about all of the dust, or little shavings from the scratchers that would go in the cracks and crevasses.  She didn't ride my ass, but it was more like, WTF are you doing still buying scratch-offs?

September 1, I stopped and I haven't told anyone. Keep in mind, I work in the food/grocery industry, so I am constantly around the machines and customers who buy them.  It's like an alcoholic who works in nothing but clubs and bars. I have felt shame.  I have felt disappointment.  I just finally decided enough is enough.  Fuck this stupid shit. Yesterday morning, I was gassing up to go out of town.  I go in and buy a soda for the road and see a new $10 and new $20 ticket in the case.  I was waiting for this day...to see new releases, that before my decision would drive my buying.  New games were fun and exciting,  but seeing these made me say say, "Fuck yeah, there are 2 games I haven't bought in that whole damned case."  It was like seeing progress.  I felt good about it.

The other thing is that I am letting that money that I was blowing filter back into our accounts. Wife is going to eventually ask, "Where's this extra money coming from?"  I am so fucking blessed with regard to my job/ income.  Something in my head kept trying to convince me it wasn't enough.  Maybe I wasn't enough...   The lottery is the solution.  LOFL.  Holy fuck, it still seems dumb as hell, but hey, let's talk about it on a message board.  It's the weirdly cathartic surly experience.  Anyhoo, thanks for letting me share this.   I'm probably handling it all wrong too.  Maximum vulnerability on this thread.

 

As others have said there is zero that is trivial about this. This is what this thread is for. You open yourself up and share things like this. You ought to be proud of yourself for saying enough is enough. The people who read this thread are here to listen and help. We all share our setbacks as well as successes because as you said this is cathartic. 
 

Please keep sharing things here. No one is going to shame you or make fun of you. We all have demons and you are confronting yours head on. That is pretty freaking cool man. 

[HRSchenker 2268]

11 hours ago, slorch said:

This seems trivial AF to me and if it is, please just have admins delete the post, and it's totally cool.  Don't want to disrupt the flow of this thread, but I think this applies. I want to talk about something that I have been dealing with.

First off, I grew up extremely poor. Suddenly single mom in the 80's, with 3 kids, of whom I was the youngest. We seemingly always had enough to eat, but a lot of it was literally gov't cheese and the commodities they gave out at the time. There were many, many times where the end of the month was rice...or beans, but not both. We rationed that shit out just to make it.  My clothes were mostly hand me-downs or donations. Caught a lot of shit at school because of it.  I always hated it, even though I had friends because of sports and at church-  I felt like I didn't have a chance with some people because of it, which I learned later in life was actually a benefit.

Joined the Marine Corps because I knew I couldn't afford college, even back then.  Came back, went to school, got a job with a great company.  Started putting in work and growing my career.  30 years later, we have no unreasonable financial risk.  Much in the way Bodhi was never going back to prison, I have vowed to never face financial hardship remotely approaching what I lived as a child.  So far, mission accomplished. We have a sound financial plan and I have worked my ass off to make sure we are there.

Howevah... the enticement of big, fuck you money has always appealed to me, and maybe it was in the past 5-6 years or so that I realized, yeah, I'm never going to earn "fuck you' money straight up.  Hey, what if I won $1,000,000 on this lottery ticket?  On the $50 tickets, it can be $10million.   It could happen to me!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I know you're on the edge of your seat; but let me just say it didn't happen.  I was buying up to $1000/month in the worst times of something even I called "The idiot tax." There were literally no current scratchoffs in any denomination that I had not played.  $10-$20-$50 a pop- didn't matter.   I knew it was stupid.  I knew it wasn't going to work, but hey, lightning can strike, right? So, $250 a week isn't that hard to hide, especially with travel for work/ meals/ transportation. I know how to build a 'run-rate' from work.  I'm not a drugs/ whores kind of guy, so the wife wasn't worried about that front.  The thing that stood out to her was anytime we rode somewhere in my truck, she'd comment about all of the dust, or little shavings from the scratchers that would go in the cracks and crevasses.  She didn't ride my ass, but it was more like, WTF are you doing still buying scratch-offs?

September 1, I stopped and I haven't told anyone. Keep in mind, I work in the food/grocery industry, so I am constantly around the machines and customers who buy them.  It's like an alcoholic who works in nothing but clubs and bars. I have felt shame.  I have felt disappointment.  I just finally decided enough is enough.  Fuck this stupid shit. Yesterday morning, I was gassing up to go out of town.  I go in and buy a soda for the road and see a new $10 and new $20 ticket in the case.  I was waiting for this day...to see new releases, that before my decision would drive my buying.  New games were fun and exciting,  but seeing these made me say say, "Fuck yeah, there are 2 games I haven't bought in that whole damned case."  It was like seeing progress.  I felt good about it.

The other thing is that I am letting that money that I was blowing filter back into our accounts. Wife is going to eventually ask, "Where's this extra money coming from?"  I am so fucking blessed with regard to my job/ income.  Something in my head kept trying to convince me it wasn't enough.  Maybe I wasn't enough...   The lottery is the solution.  LOFL.  Holy fuck, it still seems dumb as hell, but hey, let's talk about it on a message board.  It's the weirdly cathartic surly experience.  Anyhoo, thanks for letting me share this.   I'm probably handling it all wrong too.  Maximum vulnerability on this thread.

 

Considering how many of these stories usually end with someone deep throating a shotgun, I don't think there's anything trivial about your story.

[ROFL BOX 6649]

I spend around $ 20.00 / week on the lottery; Mega Millions, Lotto Texas, etc.  & Like you, the thought of "well, SOMEONE is gonna win it, right?  Can't win if you don't play" stuff.  My rationale is that if I drank coffee, I'd be spending more per week on that than I do on the tickets.  I use it as mental health, however.  I call it my "License to Dream" & very often calm myself or put myself to sleep @ night building things or spending that lottery loot without regard for looking @ the bank acct.

Then I also re-prioritize & recognize that even if I had $Billionaire$ type money, you only have so much time.  As much as I'd like to own a boat (example), I would only have so much time to actually USE the boat... so it is smarter in my situation to simply rent one for the 3 or 4 times a year (max) that I would have the time to go out & use it.  I drift off into functional financial planning... like "Yeah, I'd love to spend my summers in West Glacier & winters around Mile Marker 10 down in the Keys..." but instead of owning & letting sit there unused around 6 months of the year, I'd do the BnB thing or lease it or... whatever... & then I start designing the exterior look, move rooms around, think of paint schemes (a mint green trim with flat white roof & the majority of the outside walls for the Florida house, different boulder & wood styles for the mountain house, etc) & before you know it, whatever was stressing me out is gone or I have finally drifted off to sleep.

So, yeah... I play the lottery partially for some mental escapism.

[UpperWestside 6163]

This is something that made my week and it was pretty cool to watch. The school I teach at has six students that are confirmed as being autistic. Two of them are in my class. It was my birthday this week and one of them gets up while we are doing some class work and comes over to my desk. Before I can say anything he sings Happy Birthday to me. He also made me a birthday card as well. Those little things like that just make life so much better.

He also wished me a Happy Taco Tuesday as well. How do you not have a great day when a 9 year old says that to you?!?!

[Funk Doctor Spock 12196]

I decided to venture past the sports part and saw this. I actually suffer from OCD (legit OCD) and I was wondering if anyone else suffers the same? Mine is numbers and having to turn shit on and off repeatedly until it "feels right". I've suffered since my childhood and nothing works. No medication, etc. It causes me to have chronic insomnia, worrying constantly, obsessing over death, and really just a myriad of other shit that's too much to type. My BIL just passed away on Tues from COVID at the age of 40, and I feel like I'm falling apart mentally. Sorry for laying this shit on you guys.