Depression, OCD, and whatever else ails you between the ears

[MissingInAction 25168]

On 7/23/2018 at 12:09 PM, Sandman said:

Here's a surprisingly great update: I have had issues with my job for years, specifically that my pay is too low. I argued with more than one supervisor (not in a rude way) but never got anywhere. I work for the state and getting a raise is near impossible. After going to therapy for my anger issues (and talking with you fine fuckers), I realized it's all just bullshit and I need to quit wasting my time dwelling on it. I can't control that, I can only control my own feelings. So I moved on, let go of the frustration and just did my job. I even started to like it. Well, today I got called into the office. Our office did a market adjustment, in comparison to the private sector, and I got a fat bump (not near Surly 1% but good for a state flunky). More than I could've ever thought was possible. I almost cried when my boss told me that I earned it, due to my performance. Fucking A. 

I too work for the state and getting a raise is like spotting a black unicorn. Congrats man! 

Anyone ever meet someone who was just a genuinely positive and kind person who made you realize most your friends and family are total assholes? Been hanging out with this person for a few months and she has been the best thing for my self esteem in a long time. 

[ImGolfn 77]

10 hours ago, cactusflinthead said:

I would appreciate it if you would check in today. 

 

 

8 hours ago, troph said:

Make that two of us, scratch that, make that all of us...

 

Checking in as requested.   

Spent the day at the cemetary.   

Still feel like shit.

[relapse98 634]

Man, I don't known what to tell you. I've never been through it, but know we are rooting for you.

[cactusflinthead 27601]

3 hours ago, ImGolfn said:

 

Checking in as requested.   

Spent the day at the cemetary.   

Still feel like shit.

Thank you. I had rather have that honest assessment than a fake smile.

 

[tx 3 putt 77315]

hang in there ImGolfn

[Tall Dark And Texan 29]

Hang in there ImGolfn. We're all thinking about you.

I also want to apologize for my lapse in updates. I still hate my job, but it pays my bills and allows me to treat Ms. ATX to a nice dinner on a somewhat regular basis, and allows me to go on my solo barbecue adventures as well. I just have to tough it out until something better is offered to me. Most people hate their jobs, and most people have been passed up for promotions, so I'm happy to know I'm not alone in that boat. Since I got the bad news, my boss AND team leads have all noticed a dramatic improvement in my attitude at work despite being passed up for the promotions; I guess they all thought I'd go the opposite direction. One team lead even went as far to say that she was surprised that I didn't give up and start half-assing all my work. Even at my lowest, I wasn't about to give them even more power over me. So, painting on a smile, working on my tone of voice, and my body language, have all helped. Hopefully they'll give me a good reference if a better job knocks on my door. I've been taking more time off work lately (I had some leave set to expire, so I've made use of that, even rewrote my resume while watching the World Cup), and that seems to have helped.

I'm still going to therapy, and that is still going well. It helps to have a stranger put things into perspective for you, and remind you that things like feeling guilty simply because you are a straight white male, is bullshit. I also need to stop thinking self-destructive thoughts. I'm still trying to find the right antidepressant, and the right doseage, and I'm not about to give up on that either. I also have some FMLA paperwork going through the appropriate channels right now. I will admit that the money and effort I'm spending on mental health treatment is discouraging, and I often wonder if I was better off with the fifth of cheap whiskey once a week. I guess it is easy to contemplate giving up when it seems like you're facing too steep an uphill battle just to live a more normalized life.

Today I am 38 weeks sober, but damn, the temptation to drink has been stronger lately than ever before. I'm also in the best shape of my life; (under 185 lbs), and I have a healthy nest egg (not Shaggy 1% healthy, but I could weather an unexpected emergency if one came up). I just gotta fix the mental part, then who knows where I could go. If I can fight the physical and financial battles, I think I can handle the mental ones as well. I don't really have a choice though, do I?

I'm on vacation now, but it is raining today. So instead, I've paid all my bills for the month, and set up my budget for the upcoming month. My student loans are slowly (but surely) disappearing, and oh man is that encouraging. Once I hit submit on this, I'll start sorting out some other shit that happened before I left, but ran out of time to handle before I had to hit to hit the road. 

Stay strong everyone.

[relapse98 634]

Bah. Had myself a good spiral this weekend. I thought I was doing good and then discovered something new to OCD and ruminate on.

Went out with the wife Friday night, had a good time drinking and hanging out with friends and listening to music. Saturday was a little more ruminating. Sunday - oh boy! I went to the pool after lunch and got myself wasted. I had my therapist appointment yesterday and I told her that I don't really think I intended to drink to numb my mind, but here we are. Then leaving the pool, I somehow fell down and scratched the shit out of my prescription sunglasses and gave myself a pretty good shiner and cut myself with the large lense on the right side. To say the wife was disappointed is an understatement. When you open your email and see there is an amazon order for a breathalyzer, that's kind of a gut punch. So after getting back from the pool I went upstairs to sleep it off and hurl a little and piss her off. And then I've slept for shit Sunday Monday and Tuesday nights. I took a PTO day yesterday as I wasn't going to be any good at the office. My mind wasn't overfocused on anything, I just couldn't shut it down to sleep. Fitbit thinks I slept almost the entire time, but I think that's because I was just being still and breathing calmly.

I really think the binge drinking sets my OCD off to new spiral levels. I might can handle a cider or 2, but getting wasted means I really spend the next few days ruminating, way worse than it would have been without alcohol. So that's fun. Therapist was happy that I was finally able to really open up and be emotional. I walked in and told her it was going to be a venting day, and it was. I brought up medication and she thinks that it would be a good idea to see if that could help me while I figure out some coping skills. Gave me the names of some people that prescribe and I also msged my GP to see if he wouldn't mind, because really that would be the easiest.

All I can do is try and make myself better. It just kills me that I started seeing her, thought I was doing better, and then bam, backwards we go. And I feel like complete and utter shit for feeling like I can't hold it together for my family. And disappointing the wife is always a great one, that's a real moral booster.

[relapse98 634]

So, my friend the GP says he has no problem prescribing SSRIs. I've heard there are sometimes issues with generic SSRIs where they don't work as well as the brand name. In the interest of being nuts not also costing me a fortune, does anyone have experience with OCD and SSRIs and recommendations towards formulation, and if you found you did better on generic or name brand. I'll of course be asking him all of this, too.

[XYZ 2154]

Stay away from alcohol.

[MissingInAction 25168]

Watched the Robin Williams do, Come Inside MY Mind. It was sad but also joyful in a way. I took a lot of positives from it in regards to making the most of our time.

[Tall Dark And Texan 29]

19 hours ago, relapse98 said:

So, my friend the GP says he has no problem prescribing SSRIs. I've heard there are sometimes issues with generic SSRIs where they don't work as well as the brand name. In the interest of being nuts not also costing me a fortune, does anyone have experience with OCD and SSRIs and recommendations towards formulation, and if you found you did better on generic or name brand. I'll of course be asking him all of this, too.

Get ready for a long-winded reply.

I can't comfortably say that my experience involves OCD (only because I've never told my doctor or therapist about my compulsions, but I do check my locks several times before I leave my house and/or car), but I will agree with XYZ's suggestion to stay away from alcohol while on any of those type of meds.

What my doctor has told me is that this is often a long process; to not only find the correct medication, but the correct doseage. I started this process almost nine months ago, and in that time I went from 20mg of SSRI X, which was bumped up to 40mg a few months later, then my admission of increased suicidal thoughts resulted in my doctor putting me on a different SSRI, I'll call it SSRI Y, at 10 mg, with the likelihood that doseage would be bumped up as well.

And my therapist told me that you just gotta hang in there and fight for what you hope are better days ahead, and live off any good news you can, even if it is bread crumbs here and there. For me a portion of that is invested in sports; like the fact that Urban Meyer might be forced out of Ohio State, that Texas has a good shot at 8 or more wins this season, and might even steal some of Urban's 'croots if he does get canned. Also, Liverpool looks really good heading into this season, Real Madrid might continue their fire sale, and the young Americans that invaded the Bundesliga are primed to have good seasons...those are some of the things that work for me. Another thing that helped was realizing how lucky I am to be alive where and when I am currently living; I can easily watch sports events happening all over the world, in real time, with a clear picture, with minimal effort on my part. I'm not having to swing a sword against The Mountain for Cersi Lannister's amusement or some bullshit like that. You probably have a family, or hobbies, or both, or something that can at least temporarily distract you from the things going on in your mind, and your attempt to rewire your mind.

As far as the medical bills go, look deeply into your work's health insurance program before doing anything; I found out I had FIVE free therapy sessions to use before each one would begin costing $25. Also, make sure your PCP is identified on your health insurance card BEFORE going to the doctor (I learned that one the hard way a few weeks ago with a bill that didn't have to be if I just made that call BEFORE my visit identifying my PCP, and not a few days after). Your PCP is gonna be the one putting you on these medications, and probably wanting to check in with you after they've had time to start taking effect (usually about a month). With good health insurance, my SSRIs have cost at most $4 for a month-long supply. Also, my therapist asked me to keep track of how I react to the changes in medication, which sounds like a recommendation worth passing along to you as well. Also, don't be afraid to look into FMLA program at work, and get that set into motion. Any time you can get away from work, without losing money, or your JOB, is a good thing. Just like when the Ol' Dirty Bastard said when he had to defend his status on Government Assistance while he had the top selling album in the country, "It's FREE MONEY; why wouldn't you want FREE MONEY?!?!" (I miss that man, RIP Russell Tyrone Jones).

Also, most importantly, don't be afraid to open up to people about how you've been feeling lately. Talking here is a good start. If you have a good group of friends in your life away from the internet, use them; you'd be surprised at how many people are going to step up and listen to you, and even check in on you unannounced. I was ready to lose a lot of my friends when I quit drinking, and I was floored that they ALL stuck around.

 

TLDR: Keep fighting: We're here for you, and we'll give advice the best we can. Also, fuck Aggy and Boomer.

[relapse98 634]

21 minutes ago, Tall Dark And Texan said:

(only because I've never told my doctor or therapist about my compulsions, but I do check my locks several times before I leave my house and/or car)

I'm staying away from alcohol, even without meds, for now. It doesn't seem to lead to anything good with my OCDs and spiraling.

Why would you not tell a therapist about your compulsions? Isn't that what they are there for? There are a couple of things I've not told mine, but we are talking much deeper secrets than checking some locks repeatedly. Hell, my obsessions are what got me to a therapist in the first place.

[MissingInAction 25168]

Seconded and thirds on the dangers of mixing booze and any psych meds. Used to have a friend with a clonopin or Prozac, can't remember which, scrip who would go completely schizophrenic whenever he drank on that shit.

Walls of text messages, 5 page emails, showing up at my door accusing me of all kinds of paranoid shit. I broke all contact with him but get updates from people who still tolerate his insanity. 

Edited August 2, 2018 by MissingInAction

[Reagan1k 3024]

Relapse-   Not attempting to keyboard psychoanalyze,  but there is an old saying that we are only as sick as our secrets.  

Leave them in the dark and they eat at us under the guise of all kinds of other seemingly unrelated symptoms......expose them to the light of day and they wither up and lose their power.  

Just a thought to consider or trash as you see fit.  I know it probably saved my life to tell another person all my go to the grave stuff.

[Tall Dark And Texan 29]

2 hours ago, relapse98 said:

I'm staying away from alcohol, even without meds, for now. It doesn't seem to lead to anything good with my OCDs and spiraling.

Why would you not tell a therapist about your compulsions? Isn't that what they are there for? There are a couple of things I've not told mine, but we are talking much deeper secrets than checking some locks repeatedly. Hell, my obsessions are what got me to a therapist in the first place.

That hasn't come up yet; the majority of my visits so far have been about finding another job, getting through my current one, and adjusting my thinking. I'm certain it will at some point though. 

[troph 24905]

That hasn't come up yet; the majority of my visits so far have been about finding another job, getting through my current one, and adjusting my thinking. I'm certain it will at some point though. 

Saw your post up above about not feeling guilty for being straight white male - totally agree - and find some happy cool queer folk to hang out with and have a kick ass time while you work it all out.

[relapse98 634]

Its amazing how the thing that makes me so good at my job and most things - problem solving - is something that can really send me into a downward OCD spiral. If I can't fix a problem, real or perceived, then boy oh boy, annie bar the door because its gonna be a fun ride.

 

I can't imagine what my wife is going through right now with me like this. She says she's here for the long haul - we'll see. Because if it wasn't for her and the kids and wanting them to have a roof etc. I'd be a fucking bum on the street that only had to worry about my next meal and not the bazillion other things in my messed up mind.

Edited August 2, 2018 by relapse98

[BearSchlong 8109]

Well today it became apparent that everyone close to my ex wife suspects that she has borderline personality disorder. Explains a lot of psychotic behavior.

Unfortunately she is an LPC, and is completely convinced that everyone else in the world are the problem, not her.

I feel so vindicated, and now I can begin to think of her as a sick person who can't see or control her own behavior.

[XYZ 2154]

What does “LPC” mean?

[DanRydell 799]

What does “LPC” mean?

Licensed Professional Counselor

[BearSchlong 8109]

As I was at the hotel saying goodbye to my daughter just now, my ex wife somehow tracked me down and was waiting in the parking lot where she proceeded to have a paranoid psychotic breakdown. I was actually scared she was going to run me over with her SUV. My fiance, my daughter, and my daughters boyfriend watched for 15 minutes while she accused everyone of lying and plotting her demise. She kept telling me "you've won." As if having a healthy relationship with my daughter is somehow a competition.

I feel like I've been given a painful glimpse into an alternate reality, one that I personally thought I escaped when I left her in Oct '09.

She needs inpatient psychiatric care so desperately, but she has the community convinced she's actually the resident expert on mental health.

It's been a long time since I've feared for my safety.

[El Diablo 4232]

Does her current spouse know?

[ImGolfn 77]

58 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

As I was at the hotel saying goodbye to my daughter just now, my ex wife somehow tracked me down and was waiting in the parking lot where she proceeded to have a paranoid psychotic breakdown. I was actually scared she was going to run me over with her SUV. My fiance, my daughter, and my daughters boyfriend watched for 15 minutes while she accused everyone of lying and plotting her demise. She kept telling me "you've won." As if having a healthy relationship with my daughter is somehow a competition.

I feel like I've been given a painful glimpse into an alternate reality, one that I personally thought I escaped when I left her in Oct '09.

She needs inpatient psychiatric care so desperately, but she has the community convinced she's actually the resident expert on mental health.

It's been a long time since I've feared for my safety.

Its like Sammie's mother.  Convinced the world that she's super mom but yet read Sammie's last words and its very obvious who she closest to and it wasnt her.  But yet she's told everyone im to blame and basically accused me of killing her.

[BearSchlong 8109]

That's eerie. Wow.

Yes her spouse knows. He is a PhD neuropsychologist, but I'm afraid he has Stockholm syndrome.

[El Diablo 4232]

Sounds like since the kids are getting grown and you're getting married again that's it's starting to sink in on her that it's over between you two. Seriously. 

[Parliament 14283]

Sounds like bitches be crazy.

[BearSchlong 8109]

Indeed.

After driving home from Waco yesterday I went to my parents house and discussed the situation with them, and then went to an AA meeting and discussed the principle of powerlessness, and then this morning I had a conversation with my AA "sponsor" (spiritual guide) about the whole mess.  I'm sure when I see my psychiatrist I'll let her know about it as well.  I'm incredibly grateful that I can turn this over to my higher power and accept my powerlessness over this situation.  That's a glimpse of what I normally share on the Alcoholic thread.

For the last 23 years I knew she was the most difficult human being that I have ever encountered, but Saturday was the first time that I looked at her as mentally ill, which of course was reinforced yesterday in the hotel parking lot.

She's simply a terrorist though.  An emotional terrorist.  It's been a very long time since I've sat in my office and just stared numbly at the wall.

I was perusing amazon yesterday looking for some books on Borderline PD and chuckled when I read the title of one - "I hate you! Don't leave me" because that is so true.

Another thing I'm grateful for is that I can ask for help because I know I can't do this alone.  For about the last 7 years I've been the helpful one with all his shit wired tight helping others, and now my family is in the position where we need help which is a little uncomfortable.  

[XYZ 2154]

I’m tired of being a parent. I have three teenage daughters. This past Saturday my youngest one was upset about something (refuses to say what it is) and decided to take three cough medicine pills along with a few of the SSRI pills and a Wellbutrin that had been prescribed to me. The goal was, allegedly, not to kill herself but to pass out so that she wouldn’t have to think about whatever was bothering her. So we took her to the ER, and some hours later they sent her to Dell Children’s Medical Center, where she spent 24 hours being observed. This type of shit leaves me numb inside, like the emotional fuel has been spent and there’s nothing left other than the autonomous functions (breathe, eat, shit, etc). I’m tired of this, and I still have three years until the youngest one is emancipated.

[SHOOTER12 8819]

On 6/30/2018 at 9:43 AM, Walden Ponderer said:

Saw an interesting article the other day about sleep aids. Turns out melatonin supplements have no statistically significant impact on most folk; the chief exception seems to be people with ADHD or anxiety (of course, those are the people who most need it, as luck would have it), but that the precursor, L-tryptophan, works like a charm on practically everybody.  Kind of makes sense, I suppose, as anything that metabolizes naturally in your body ought to be preferable to stuff you add willy-nilly.

Anyway, I gave it a shot a couple of nights ago, and sure enough, I slept like a baby. Anecdotal, but it is confirmation, of sorts.

 

On 6/30/2018 at 1:12 PM, BearSchlong said:

Melatonin gives me a hangover. But Valerian Root does the trick nicely plus it causes vivid dreams.

 

On 6/30/2018 at 1:21 PM, SDG said:

I use melatonin most work nights and it seems to work fine for me. I have no ill effects from it, but the  L-tryptophan thing seems interesting.  Any more details?  

Edit: I was diagnosed with ADHD but opted out of medication. 

 

On 6/30/2018 at 5:10 PM, troph said:

 

I get the groggs from melatonin too.

 

 

On 6/30/2018 at 6:04 PM, Reagan1k said:

Works for me pretty well. Not groggy. 

What mg doses do you guys use per day?  Some times I have luck with melatonin, sometimes I don't.  I have to admit though when it works it's like heaven.

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

8 minutes ago, SHOOTER12 said:

What mg doses do you guys use per day?  Some times I have luck with melatonin, sometimes I don't.  I have to admit though when it works it's like heaven.

10 mg does okay for me most nights.

[SHOOTER12 8819]

8 minutes ago, Walden Ponderer said:

10 mg does okay for me most nights.

That's what I've been taking, although the results have been inconsistent.  Some nights great, some nights not, with a few groggy mornings that take me longer to wake up than usual.

I've seen on a lot of different melatonin packaging not to take more than 5mgs, but that does absolutely nothing for me.

Edited August 6, 2018 by SHOOTER12

[SDG 3319]

I use 5mg work nights.  10 would probably give me the hangover mentioned above.  

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

Sour Cherry Juice (available at your local health nuts/granola chomper/birkenstock stomper store) has high levels of natural melatonin, and it's pretty easily assimilable, too. A glass of that stuff when I wake up in the middle of the night helps me get right back down.

[ImGolfn 77]

1 hour ago, XYZ said:

I’m tired of being a parent. I have three teenage daughters. This past Saturday my youngest one was upset about something (refuses to say what it is) and decided to take three cough medicine pills along with a few of the SSRI pills and a Wellbutrin that had been prescribed to me. The goal was, allegedly, not to kill herself but to pass out so that she wouldn’t have to think about whatever was bothering her. So we took her to the ER, and some hours later they sent her to Dell Children’s Medical Center, where she spent 24 hours being observed. This type of shit leaves me numb inside, like the emotional fuel has been spent and there’s nothing left other than the autonomous functions (breathe, eat, shit, etc). I’m tired of this, and I still have three years until the youngest one is emancipated.

Keep fighting.  I know the pain after my daughters suicide.  Surly rules, if i have to keep fighting so do you guys

[Scooter 5]

I used the transfer to Surly to take a break.  Since March I realized I was depressed (despair, anxiety, brain fog) and got on 75mg Effexor and 150mg Wellbutrin.  I feel so much better.  I'm already cutting down on the Effexor and plan to be off both by early next year.

 

My depression is something I've managed for years and years, not knowing what it was.  I thought it was allergies and then a sleep disorder.  Undiagnosed depression is the worst.  Despite getting in shape, my mother's death, job turmoil and a dead bedroom finally caught up with me.  But these drugs have helped a ton but I hope I don't have too much trouble getting off Effexor. 

 

So add one more empathetic ear to this thread.  We're all in this together. 

[cactusflinthead 27601]

1 hour ago, ImGolfn said:

Keep fighting.  I know the pain after my daughters suicide.  Surly rules, if i have to keep fighting so do you guys

Got that right

[troph 24905]

I use 5mg work nights.  10 would probably give me the hangover mentioned above.  

I used 5 mg and it left me groggy. I’m sleeping ok now. Exercise and divorce behind me.

[That Guy 959]

Welcome back scooter! Your presence on the board was certainly missed. 

[destroya 380]

Good luck to everyone on this thread.  I went through a funk around the holidays.  One contributing factor was getting sick and being unable to exercise. Not being active showed me that exercise really is a natural mood enhancer.  

I can't recommend strenuous exercise enough. The endorphin release and being left completely spent are so good for my mental wellbeing, plus it makes sleeping easier. 

All the best to everyone on this thread. 

eta: exercise also gives me a sense of accomplishment, which is always a plus for my wellbeing 

Edited August 7, 2018 by destroya

[XYZ 2154]

For anybody on SSRIs, when it’s time to quit them, do it very gradually, more gradually than what the doctor says. When I quit, I followed the doctor’s orders for weaning off, and after I went from the smallest dose to nothing, I was super angry/bitchy for several days. I’m sure your mileage would vary, but just don’t underestimate the bitch that is quitting SSRIs.

[relapse98 634]

Had my weekly visit with my therapist yesterday. I was a little hesitant to opening up when I first started seeing her, but man does she get to hear all (well most) of it now.

I thought I had an ok week. It was definitely better than the week before where I just fell apart but not near 100%. After seeing me for ~2 months now, she talked my case over with her supervisor and they think what I'm lacking is some maternal caring in my relationships with either my mother or wife. My mom.. yeah, she's my mom. She's a nitpicker, never been the lovey dovey kind. My wife.. her parents got divorced when she was like 6. She saw her dad off and on until she was about 10 or 11 and then that was it. No more child support, no more visits, no cards, no calls, no nothing. Her maternal grandfather was the only close male relative she had growing up. He could be a hard man - loved you but quite demanding.  They've joked over the years that she married her grandfather. I don't see myself as hard as him (100% honest, I'm just not) but I can see some of his traits. Therapist and I have decided that I have this hyperfocus thing going on. I'll move on from a problem and then start scanning closely for another one. And then hyperfocus on it until something happens, still not sure what. I think eventually I say f it, its not really a problem, it might be a slight issue but nothing major - or I could just find something else that takes its top spot. So she thinks a lot of it is because I do most of everything in our family - I'm the breadwinner, cook, clean, whatever. And the wife, she's the wife. We had some good chats last weekend between the 2 of us. The wife had already sort of noticed this and is doing much better in taking stuff on. So maybe less stress from that will help me not be so GD hyperfocused and anxiety ridden.

[Lidig8r 1874]

Today would have been the 25th birthday of my beloved daughter, Morgan. It does not get easier.

She was taken by eating disorders in October 2016.

Fortunately... I have villains that I can go after with all of the experience and knowledge and strength and resolve at my command ... And I will never stop.

 

[troph 24905]

I read this during my morning coffee and took a little bit of an inventory of my various important relationships - what I’ve gained the last few years, what I’ve lost, and what gives us meaning. Research proves quality relationships are a major component to happiness, meaning and purpose - and therefore our mental health - the subject of our thread.

 

Probably one of the better definitions of intimacy I’ve ever read:

 

 

An honorable human relationship — that is, one in which two people have the right to use the word “love” — is a process, delicate, violent, often terrifying to both persons involved, a process of refining the truths they can tell each other.

 

It is important to do this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation.

 

It is important to do this because in doing so we do justice to our own complexity.

 

It is important to do this because we can count on so few people to go that hard way with us.

 

https://www.brainpickings.org/2013/07/02/adrienne-rich-honorable-human-relationship/

[Tall Dark And Texan 29]

Anyone else get anxious as all hell before going to a social gathering? My friend had a going away party on Saturday, and it started about two hours after I got off work, and oh man, I was a total wreck for those two hours. Being one of the people who isn't drinking at a party full of people who are always feels like a test to me. 

Then, I got to the party and realized I was worrying about nothing. No one gave a shit that I wasn't drinking, no one pressured me into drinking, and my weight loss was noticed by a few people. Hell, even one of the people I SWORE hated me, gave me a hug as soon as she saw me.

A lot of this shit's in my head. I just gotta figure out how to stop it.

Oh and I'm still looking for another job, but things are improving at my current job too. Take the good anywhere I can find it.

Stay strong, everyone.

[BearSchlong 8109]

Anxiety = disease of perception, for me. My lenses are blurry. There was a time when I couldn't be around people unless I was loaded. Glad I know the truth about myself today, and grateful for being able to live in the moment.

[troph 24905]

I take comfort knowing either I’m the only one overthinking a situation or the others who are overthinking it too are worried about their own moments, not mine. Either way, the only one obsessed with my perceived missteps is me.

[MissingInAction 25168]

I'm at the opposite end of that spectrum. I am truly incapable of giving a fuck what someone else thinks of me. Doesn't matter who they are. Lost more than a few jobs,friendships, and girlfriends because of it.  

I have to make an honest effort and truly think about shit before I say or do it.  Otherwise someone cries or I am fired  

[XYZ 2154]

MIA:

You being impervious to other people’s opinions of you seems kind of cool.

[destroya 380]

On 8/13/2018 at 6:53 PM, Tall Dark And Texan said:

 

...A lot of this shit's in my head. I just gotta figure out how to stop it....

Stay strong, everyone.

Water is a good analogy for stuff like this. It's not about stopping it; it's about letting it float on down the river. 

[Tall Dark And Texan 29]

On 8/15/2018 at 8:16 PM, destroya said:

Water is a good analogy for stuff like this. It's not about stopping it; it's about letting it float on down the river. 

That river is starting to pick up and trying to sweep me away.

I just celebrated three years with Ms. Texan earlier this week, and then she dumped me last night. I couldn't really sleep, because of that, but also because work has been making me come in early this week. Now I'm just set on hour-early mode, since I'll have to go in early a few more times next week as well. I'm waiting for my parents to wake up so I can ask to move back in with them after another failed relationship. I'll grab a few boxes from work to begin packing with, and some packaging tape on my way home.

Don't worry about me relapsing, OR hurting myself; if anything there will be a lot of good that comes from this. I'll be able to put more effort into my weight loss efforts (specifically having the time AND drive to exercise now, instead of simply dieting to lose weight), and I'll be saving a lot more money by living at home. Maybe I can pay off my student loans faster than I expected, or at least put a serious dent in what's left of them.

That is the stuff I'm choosing to focus on at the moment; not the fact that I asked her dad for permission to marry her two weeks ago, or that I bought the ring. Or that I'm moving back in with my parents at 31. I'll set up another appointment with my therapist once this all settles down. An increased doseage of my medication also sounds like a good idea at the moment as well.

I'll find a branch to cling to and use to pull myself out of this raging river, take some time to catch my breath, get my shit together, and jump back in.

Again, stay strong everyone.