Depression, OCD, and whatever else ails you between the ears

[Lidig8r 1870]

For those of us suffering from mental health issues, or who have had beloved family members taken, holidays can be so mentally and emotionally exhausting. Sometimes, small snippets of relief are found in the most unusual places. Stay strong Mental Health Warriors. Give your children a big hug and tell them you love them... every day.

https://adadsjourneywitheatingdisorders.home.blog/2023/12/18/the-best-of-trees-the-worst-of/

[cactusflinthead 27598]

My turn again.

One of my classmates from Cistercian is about to go. Diabetes has taken him to the brink. He had been in the hospital for a couple of weeks before we found out. 

I smuggled in a pizza, but the nurse cleared the way, because really who gives a fuck if a dying man wants a pizza.

He gave me his last 3 requests for the funeral. We all get a shot of Diet Coke, those who can tell a funny memory of him, and family, of which he wants to include me and others, we are to throw a handful of dirt.

I didn't give a shit about bad traffic, don't you think about paying for the pizza, no you're not buying me anything, but I gotta go before I crater at the thought of the palliative care team coming in later.

We don't know how long we get. Make the most of the days. 

Sometimes that's going to see a dying brother friend and getting him a pizza.

 

Edit:: 

I talked to another of our class when I got back to the truck.

"We're dying of old man shit."

Laugh. Yeah Jon, we are.

Edited December 20, 2023 by cactusflinthead

[ROFL BOX 6647]

[BBQ2Bayou 807]

Just went to my first therapy session ever at the age of 46. I don't even know what I'm trying to work out, just that I've got a lot of emotional crap that I want to figure out.

Childhood to today stuff, so I hope it helps. I have no idea what else to expect, but I felt like I clicked some with her, so I guess that's the first positive. It was just an intake appointment though. 

[cactusflinthead 27598]

I get a double shot. My dad is fading out. Awaiting the phone call to go sign for hospice. Already did the DNR paperwork. 

Just give him all the drugs doc. It's his birthday today. 

 

[troph 24781]

I had a great weekend… no drinking, a round of golf with a friend and I played great (I play 2-3 times a year), and I went fishing and took our dog to the river on Sunday.  Even got laid Saturday morning before golf. Now I have near debilitating anxiety trying to get the work week going, it’s like I punish myself for having a good time. I’ll get there but fuck I’m tired of being me some days.

Edited January 8 by troph

[tigol 2395]

In the rare case that there is a woman other than myself and troph posting on the internet, this is for you.

If you are over 40 and experiencing severe depression and anxiety symptoms that are at times debilitating, please consider talking to your OB/GYN about peri menopause.

It might not be the issue, but it was something that did not occur to me as a potential cause for almost a year now.

[cactusflinthead 27598]

The old Longhorn passed at 1140 this morning.

It's a strange mixture of relief that the suffering is done and missing him already. Work said I should take off for the rest of the week, but all I would do is sit around in a funk. In between calls making arrangements for the next things I get hit with the wall of emotions and I break down a little. When the dust settles some I'll find a place to grieve it out some more. Right now all I want to do is focus on the tasks at hand.

 

[troph 24781]

3 hours ago, tigol said:

In the rare case that there is a woman other than myself and troph posting on the internet, this is for you.

If you are over 40 and experiencing severe depression and anxiety symptoms that are at times debilitating, please consider talking to your OB/GYN about peri menopause.

It might not be the issue, but it was something that did not occur to me as a potential cause for almost a year now.

I don't suffer traditional menopause or perimenopause for obvious reasons but I'm effectively on post menopausal HRT. and my hormones fluctuate and can be a problem. I basically traded unrelenting and unending depression with periodic anger for mood swings and periodic/situational (but sometimes nonsensical) anxiety. It's also hard to talk about with doctors, they hear things you don't actually say. Anyway, it's a drastic improvement, but got damn sometimes. o_O

Edited January 8 by troph

[troph 24781]

Much better morning, nothing changed other than it’s Tuesday not Monday, I posted here, and I confided in a colleague friend who said the exact same thing happens to them (same profession). 
 

to me there are three takeaways … (1) we are not the only ones with sensitivities and uncomfortable even excruciating moments, (2) it’s almost always transitory, and (3) sharing is beneficial to coping. 

[Mrs Whiggins 13050]

I'm rather fond of the phrase Mr. Rogers used to use (it was even in the movie about him where Tom Hanks was in the titular role): anything mentionable is manageable. It may not fit every single situation (i.e. under the not every thought has to be uttered because sometimes it's mean or rude) but when it comes to feelings, emotions, perspectives, experiences I think he was very very good at helping us understand how to cope with ourselves in positive ways. Coping, that's what we do even when we don't realize it, we cope with ourselves and the world around us. We have good habits and bad habits and flaws and foibles and experiences and ways of being and all the things that makes us who we are. Coping has a slightly negative connotation perhaps coming from its definition (to deal with and attempt to overcome problems and difficulties) or even from its ancient and obsolete meaning (to strike/to fight) but IMO, it doesn't have to be: coping is living and that is what living beings do, deal with and overcome the problems related to life on this planet. We don't have to fight (with ourselves), we can be allies and finding peace within ourselves and with others allows us to flourish. I'm glad you're feeling better today.

[troph 24781]

5 minutes ago, Mrs Whiggins said:

I'm rather fond of the phrase Mr. Rogers used to use (it was even in the movie about him where Tom Hanks was in the titular role): anything mentionable is manageable. It may not fit every single situation (i.e. under the not every thought has to be uttered because sometimes it's mean or rude) but when it comes to feelings, emotions, perspectives, experiences I think he was very very good at helping us understand how to cope with ourselves in positive ways. Coping, that's what we do even when we don't realize it, we cope with ourselves and the world around us. We have good habits and bad habits and flaws and foibles and experiences and ways of being and all the things that makes us who we are. Coping has a slightly negative connotation perhaps coming from its definition (to deal with and attempt to overcome problems and difficulties) or even from its ancient and obsolete meaning (to strike/to fight) but IMO, it doesn't have to be: coping is living and that is what living beings do, deal with and overcome the problems related to life on this planet. We don't have to fight (with ourselves), we can be allies and finding peace within ourselves and with others allows us to flourish. I'm glad you're feeling better today.

good shit. I think about the animals, they have to cope with all kinds of natural hells. their bodies and systems are often designed to do that. no one thinks they are crazy because they can cope with extreme cold or a lack of food. yet when we cope with extreme feelings or situations (real or imaginary) we get slapped with the label. done with that.

[hookemATL 11701]

20 hours ago, cactusflinthead said:

The old Longhorn passed at 1140 this morning.

It's a strange mixture of relief that the suffering is done and missing him already. Work said I should take off for the rest of the week, but all I would do is sit around in a funk. In between calls making arrangements for the next things I get hit with the wall of emotions and I break down a little. When the dust settles some I'll find a place to grieve it out some more. Right now all I want to do is focus on the tasks at hand.

 

Peace and love to you and yours❤️ 

My dad is getting older (still works his ass off and is stubborn as a mule) and I am really realizing how unprepared I am for his passing.

Thank you for sharing.  Let yourself feel all the feels, and horns up to your pops.🤘

[UpperWestside 6159]

On 1/8/2024 at 3:11 PM, cactusflinthead said:

The old Longhorn passed at 1140 this morning.

It's a strange mixture of relief that the suffering is done and missing him already. Work said I should take off for the rest of the week, but all I would do is sit around in a funk. In between calls making arrangements for the next things I get hit with the wall of emotions and I break down a little. When the dust settles some I'll find a place to grieve it out some more. Right now all I want to do is focus on the tasks at hand.

 

I’m sorry that your father has passed on. There is never a good time for it to happen and you will deal with it in your own way. I have always stuck with the thought that words that we offer in the way of comfort are inadequate. Just deal with your dad’s passing in the exact way you want to. Your situation is unique to you and your family. You have a lifetime of memories with him that I am sure you cherish and come to your mind more often right now.

We’re here for you. Get whatever emotions out that you need to and just grieve in whatever way you for however long you want.

[cactusflinthead 27598]

On 12/19/2023 at 8:26 PM, cactusflinthead said:

smuggled in a pizza,

I didn't know that it was going to be his last meal. He looked pretty good in the casket.

I suppose it's my gallows humor to think about making a good looking corpse and then thinking about Sonny Corleone and an aunt that had a deadly encounter with an oak tree.

I didn't know that when I was talking to my dad about the Rangers that was going to be the last of it. 

After 30 years or so of being old enough to go visit dying people on my own the one thing that I can hang onto regardless of circumstances is if you have it in your power to be kind and merciful, do it. Stay a little bit longer. Go walk around and come back. Go get a pizza. Go say bye. I've regretted leaving too soon. I haven't regretted staying. Because you don't know if this is it. The last game. The last out. The last cup of cheer.

That's why they tell us to Carpe Diem every time you can. Because there's no guarantee that you get another.

 

[troph 24781]

I mean that’s pretty amazing, the pizza story and what you wrote. A lot of broken in this world, I’m glad you were there. There’s hope in that. 

[Doc Daneeka 6769]

Well, the shit keeps flowing. 

My SO of almost seven years, to whom I’d have been married if not for the somewhat arcane web of organ-transplant financing/insurance, died at 52 of cardiac arrest last night.

The bedroom is a disaster area that looks like it was invaded by EMTs. Which it was. The hallway is strewn with bottles of all manner of anti-rejection drugs, along with makeup, a chair, and whatever else had to be tossed aside to make room. The kitchen is full of her collection of mugs and myriad things that remind me of her. I have no haven from this assault anywhere in my own home. I have zero inclination to touch any of it right now  

My mind can’t get rid of the image of the person I love most in the world, after my daughters, flopped on the floor with eyes wide open and not breathing, while I’m futilely trying CPR as a drone on the phone reads from a script telling me what a good job I’m doing and to keep going.

Because that’s not yet enough of a nightmare, I also can’t stop hearing the ululating wail of her mother upon entering the trauma room and seeing her daughter. “Mija, mijaaaaa, por qué dios, por queeeee. ¿Por qué no yooooo?“

I’m caught between having an introvert’s completely drained social battery and dreading being alone. I can’t not be with her family but I don’t know how to deal with one more “she loved you so much” without going to pieces. And now more of her family is flying in and I get to be the adult in front the the five year old niece who worshipped the ground she walked and who still cries every time we leave. 

Carloads of people are on their way from Love Field and I need to be there when they get to her mother’s house. This definitely ails me between the ears. I’m starting to question whether this mortal coil is all it’s cracked up to be. Two daughters, a mother, and two doggos will keep me here, but I’m not super excited about the prospect at the moment. No, I don’t need a wellness check, but fuuuuuuuuuuck.

Edited January 30 by Doc Daneeka

[troph 24781]

Fuck man. Fuck. I wish we were IRL friends I’d say let’s go be angry sad and lost introverts together and say nothing to each other but you wouldn’t have to be alone. Like sit in the dark and say nothing for hours. Or say shit I don’t know. FUCK. 

[Doc Daneeka 6769]

40 minutes ago, troph said:

Fuck man. Fuck. I wish we were IRL friends I’d say let’s go be angry sad and lost introverts together and say nothing to each other but you wouldn’t have to be alone. Like sit in the dark and say nothing for hours. Or say shit I don’t know. FUCK. 

That, and some Patron or Tito’s, would be the formula. Thanks for the thought. 

[cactusflinthead 27598]

Man that's rough.

If you ever get to a HH or something. Well, first round is on me.

Even if it's Topo. 

Hang in there. You still have some living to do.

[Knoxtnhorn 5971]

I'll try to make this short as it's my first foray into this thread.  I feel for those on this thread that are dealing with death and more serious issues.  My thoughts and prayers, though I'm not particularly religious, go out to y'all.

My anxiety lately has been through the roof, and I cannot explain it.  I read somewhere that one is basically set, personality-wise, by the time they're 25.  Until about 5 years ago, absolutely nothing would have caused me any stress or lose sleep.  Hell, I went through a 5 year custody battle over my daughter and rarely lost a minute of sleep.  It kind of motivated me.  I'm very, VERY lucky in that I never get depressed.  I have extreme empathy for those that do get depressed when things go south.  Thankfully, that's not me.  

When I moved back to the Dallas area 7 years ago, I had an incident which seems to have triggered some sort of non-stop anxiety train.  I'm a teacher.  Long story short, I had a principal that had given me nothing but high marks for 2 years.  In the spring of my 2nd year, my writing students took a "mock STAAR" test to prepare for the real one.  In a low income school, our results were 1 percentage point below the district average (suburban DFW).  (Side note: both math and reading scores in my departmentalized grade were lower than this.)  All of the sudden, I'm considered the worst teacher on the planet.  Principal chewed me out.  I had a nonstop line of school and district folks in my room to teach me how to teach.  Since then, I just cannot handle any sort of criticism.  I have extremely good relationships with my students and their families.  My test scores are always fantastic. In all honesty, I cannot think of anything that would be a negative mark against me.  But, I just can't handle anything that I perceive as criticism.

Earlier today I took care of all 3 of the classes in my grade due to illness.  I busted my ass and went FAR above and beyond what most would do.  I get an email from my principal that has the tiniest hint of criticism, and here I am, up later than normal, drinking bourbon, and typing out personal stuff.  Essentially, I sent my class to the computer lab with login codes that didn't work. I didn't need a page-long, fucking email about it. But, JC, how about just mentioning it in passing tomorrow and/or thanking me for taking care of all the extra shit today.  According to my new Amazfit watch, my resting heart rate is 53.  After receiving the email, it sat at 111 for over an hour.   I love teaching, my students, and my families, but this crap is about to make me turn to driving a truck or somesuch.  I'll stop the tl;dr now.  Thanks for letting me vent.

p.s. My doc put me on something 2 years ago for anxiety.  it just made me nauseous for 2 months before I finally gave up on it.  I'm not sure pharma is the right path for me.

[Lidig8r 1870]

On 1/30/2024 at 5:26 PM, Doc Daneeka said:

Well, the shit keeps flowing. 

My SO of almost seven years, to whom I’d have been married if not for the somewhat arcane web of organ-transplant financing/insurance, died at 52 of cardiac arrest last night.

The bedroom is a disaster area that looks like it was invaded by EMTs. Which it was. The hallway is strewn with bottles of all manner of anti-rejection drugs, along with makeup, a chair, and whatever else had to be tossed aside to make room. The kitchen is full of her collection of mugs and myriad things that remind me of her. I have no haven from this assault anywhere in my own home. I have zero inclination to touch any of it right now  

My mind can’t get rid of the image of the person I love most in the world, after my daughters, flopped on the floor with eyes wide open and not breathing, while I’m futilely trying CPR as a drone on the phone reads from a script telling me what a good job I’m doing and to keep going.

Because that’s not yet enough of a nightmare, I also can’t stop hearing the ululating wail of her mother upon entering the trauma room and seeing her daughter. “Mija, mijaaaaa, por qué dios, por queeeee. ¿Por qué no yooooo?“

I’m caught between having an introvert’s completely drained social battery and dreading being alone. I can’t not be with her family but I don’t know how to deal with one more “she loved you so much” without going to pieces. And now more of her family is flying in and I get to be the adult in front the the five year old niece who worshipped the ground she walked and who still cries every time we leave. 

Carloads of people are on their way from Love Field and I need to be there when they get to her mother’s house. This definitely ails me between the ears. I’m starting to question whether this mortal coil is all it’s cracked up to be. Two daughters, a mother, and two doggos will keep me here, but I’m not super excited about the prospect at the moment. No, I don’t need a wellness check, but fuuuuuuuuuuck.

Doc, I am in North Dallas.  I have been through hell and gone in terms of death in the last 4 years or so.  If you need a fellow Longhorn to escape with if just for a few hours, get in touch with me.  I won't have any words of wisdom. I am not in your place or living your emotions.  But just know .... you are not alone.

I would simply say ... allow yourself to feel your full range of emotions. Don't hold back. At this time, don't listen to therapists.  Give yourself the grace to simply ... feel, to mourn, to grieve. The manner in which we grieve is as unique as our fingerprints. You don't need to be strong for anyone, let alone yourself.

All the best,

Steven

steven@dunnlawfirm.net

[Snake Diggity 4619]

8 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

I'll try to make this short as it's my first foray into this thread.  I feel for those on this thread that are dealing with death and more serious issues.  My thoughts and prayers, though I'm not particularly religious, go out to y'all.

My anxiety lately has been through the roof, and I cannot explain it.  I read somewhere that one is basically set, personality-wise, by the time they're 25.  Until about 5 years ago, absolutely nothing would have caused me any stress or lose sleep.  Hell, I went through a 5 year custody battle over my daughter and rarely lost a minute of sleep.  It kind of motivated me.  I'm very, VERY lucky in that I never get depressed.  I have extreme empathy for those that do get depressed when things go south.  Thankfully, that's not me.  

When I moved back to the Dallas area 7 years ago, I had an incident which seems to have triggered some sort of non-stop anxiety train.  I'm a teacher.  Long story short, I had a principal that had given me nothing but high marks for 2 years.  In the spring of my 2nd year, my writing students took a "mock STAAR" test to prepare for the real one.  In a low income school, our results were 1 percentage point below the district average (suburban DFW).  (Side note: both math and reading scores in my departmentalized grade were lower than this.)  All of the sudden, I'm considered the worst teacher on the planet.  Principal chewed me out.  I had a nonstop line of school and district folks in my room to teach me how to teach.  Since then, I just cannot handle any sort of criticism.  I have extremely good relationships with my students and their families.  My test scores are always fantastic. In all honesty, I cannot think of anything that would be a negative mark against me.  But, I just can't handle anything that I perceive as criticism.

Earlier today I took care of all 3 of the classes in my grade due to illness.  I busted my ass and went FAR above and beyond what most would do.  I get an email from my principal that has the tiniest hint of criticism, and here I am, up later than normal, drinking bourbon, and typing out personal stuff.  Essentially, I sent my class to the computer lab with login codes that didn't work. I didn't need a page-long, fucking email about it. But, JC, how about just mentioning it in passing tomorrow and/or thanking me for taking care of all the extra shit today.  According to my new Amazfit watch, my resting heart rate is 53.  After receiving the email, it sat at 111 for over an hour.   I love teaching, my students, and my families, but this crap is about to make me turn to driving a truck or somesuch.  I'll stop the tl;dr now.  Thanks for letting me vent.

p.s. My doc put me on something 2 years ago for anxiety.  it just made me nauseous for 2 months before I finally gave up on it.  I'm not sure pharma is the right path for me.

If you feel like your boss/principal is the source of your anxiety, change schools.  A fresh start might do the trick.  If you’re getting anxiety from criticism anywhere (including outside of work), then maybe a visit to a therapist and doc will help.  There are meds that you can take only when you are feeling acutely anxious rather than taking every day.  Xanax is the most popular but Clonazepam worked better for me; if you have an addictive personality then those might not be a good idea but they were moderately helpful for me.

[Mrs Whiggins 13050]

I feel so much for the pain many of you have experienced recently. It's difficult to know what to write to express that you are seen and heard in your sorrow and that we're here if you need to share.

[Knoxtnhorn 5971]

On 2/1/2024 at 6:27 AM, Snake Diggity said:

If you feel like your boss/principal is the source of your anxiety, change schools.  A fresh start might do the trick.  If you’re getting anxiety from criticism anywhere (including outside of work), then maybe a visit to a therapist and doc will help.  There are meds that you can take only when you are feeling acutely anxious rather than taking every day.  Xanax is the most popular but Clonazepam worked better for me; if you have an addictive personality then those might not be a good idea but they were moderately helpful for me.

Thanks for the advice.  I have such weird physical reactions to medicine, that I'm incredibly averse to taking anything.  My doc put me on something about a year and a half ago.  It may have been Clonazepam as that sounds familiar.  I ended up losing about 10 lbs due to severe nausea that lasted the entire 2 months I took it. 

As I mentioned, I do consider myself very lucky.  Especially after reading some of the other posts.  My family life is great.  I'm financially secure.  Hell, despite my admissions, even my job isn't too bad.  I'm just at a crossroads as a teacher, and am worried about being burnt out in a field in which I'm stuck.

[UpperWestside 6159]

18 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Thanks for the advice.  I have such weird physical reactions to medicine, that I'm incredibly averse to taking anything.  My doc put me on something about a year and a half ago.  It may have been Clonazepam as that sounds familiar.  I ended up losing about 10 lbs due to severe nausea that lasted the entire 2 months I took it. 

As I mentioned, I do consider myself very lucky.  Especially after reading some of the other posts.  My family life is great.  I'm financially secure.  Hell, despite my admissions, even my job isn't too bad.  I'm just at a crossroads as a teacher, and am worried about being burnt out in a field in which I'm stuck.

Visit more than one doctor if you have the means to do that and see if it perhaps another doctor sees what ails you from a fresh perspective. 
 

What causes you issues can be as hard to deal with for you personally as someone who is going through something that is seemingly far more difficult to navigate. You get one life so while you’re here do the best you can to make sure you feel as good as you possibly can. And thank you for teaching. It is a profession that just increases in difficulty more each year so I appreciate you educating the next generation.

[Doc Daneeka 6769]

We had her memorial service today. Well, yesterday. 

I know I’m not some unicorn who’s the only one to lose a partner, but holy fuck this is bad. 

I don’t have anyone else I’m willing to drag into this whine at three in the morning, so y’all are it. My dogs have already heard more than they bargained for and my crying in the dark in a half empty bed for however many hours is freaking them out. At least typing this has made that stop for a little while. It’s an easy “scroll on by” for you, so I don’t feel too bad about it.

**OK, lucky for y’all, typing out about 5,000 words has sated my desire to express them without having to expose y’all to them, so I’ve deleted most of what would have been this post. Pretty much my approach to business emails back in the day.**

Long story fairly short, I’d been waiting 50 fucking years for this woman without really knowing it. According to her friends and family, she’d been waiting about 45 years for me. We got a little less than seven years together, but it was the best seven years of our lives. Right now, that just makes this gaping hole in my being hurt even more. Maybe in the future that will be what allows me to cope with that hole. 

Also, I have a much more vivid understanding of some of the reasons why people came up with the idea of an afterlife. I want to see her again so badly. The belief that I could do so would be an amazingly calming lifeline right now. Wish in one hand…

Carry on.

[troph 24781]

4 hours ago, Doc Daneeka said:

We had her memorial service today. Well, yesterday. 

I know I’m not some unicorn who’s the only one to lose a partner, but holy fuck this is bad. 

I don’t have anyone else I’m willing to drag into this whine at three in the morning, so y’all are it. My dogs have already heard more than they bargained for and my crying in the dark in a half empty bed for however many hours is freaking them out. At least typing this has made that stop for a little while. It’s an easy “scroll on by” for you, so I don’t feel too bad about it.

**OK, lucky for y’all, typing out about 5,000 words has sated my desire to express them without having to expose y’all to them, so I’ve deleted most of what would have been this post. Pretty much my approach to business emails back in the day.**

Long story fairly short, I’d been waiting 50 fucking years for this woman without really knowing it. According to her friends and family, she’d been waiting about 45 years for me. We got a little less than seven years together, but it was the best seven years of our lives. Right now, that just makes this gaping hole in my being hurt even more. Maybe in the future that will be what allows me to cope with that hole. 

Also, I have a much more vivid understanding of some of the reasons why people came up with the idea of an afterlife. I want to see her again so badly. The belief that I could do so would be an amazingly calming lifeline right now. Wish in one hand…

Carry on.

Share as much as you want. Just wake up and breathe please. The rest seems pretty optional right now. I’m so sorry for your loss I wish I could do something. 

[Doc Daneeka 6769]

1 minute ago, troph said:

Share as much as you want. Just wake up and breathe please. The rest seems pretty optional right now. I’m so sorry for your loss I wish I could do something. 

Nah, man, having a place where I can type this stuff out and I know people are at least reading it definitely helps. Responding is doing something. 

I didn’t mention it specifically, though saying “Del Rio” kind of hinted at it, but she’s from a Hispanic family with the stereotypical dozens of cousins. They all said that I, and her five year old niece, were all she ever talked about. They talked about how sarcastic she was and how she hated being hugged and how she often kept her distance from things but when she talked about me it was like she was a different person than the one they knew. They said she was “giddy” and that she’d just never done “giddy,” before. 

Thanks for helping me get through this crap. 

[troph 24781]

8 minutes ago, Doc Daneeka said:

Nah, man, having a place where I can type this stuff out and I know people are at least reading it definitely helps. Responding is doing something. 

I didn’t mention it specifically, though saying “Del Rio” kind of hinted at it, but she’s from a Hispanic family with the stereotypical dozens of cousins. They all said that I, and her five year old niece, were all she ever talked about. They talked about how sarcastic she was and how she hated being hugged and how she often kept her distance from things but when she talked about me it was like she was a different person than the one they knew. They said she was “giddy” and that she’d just never done “giddy,” before. 

Thanks for helping me get through this crap. 

I had that kind of love long ago, I once had a soulmate, it wasn’t meant to last a lifetime. Reconciling that perfection with the loss of it has been one of the greatest challenges of my life. I’m not sure it’s always ok with me but it just is. Well at the risk of telling a story that isn’t a fairy tale I’ll say this, I’ll walk with an emotional void and a limp the rest of my life. I really have no choice. But I’m ok, and you’ll be okay. And sometimes okay can really be spectacular. Definitely not now, but it can be in the future. But I know you are far from okay now.
 

I guess I just want to witness feeling dead inside or even worse while breathing in and out is a thing. And it’s okay. In the divorce thread I’ll occasionally talk about how to rise above and all the habits needed to make it through. Shit if that is the thing here - I seriously doubt it. I think just breathing is the only thing to focus on.
 

And not sure if wanting to be dead is a thing here for you, occasionally it is for me. I’ve learned for me it’s not really a desire but a thought escape. But just in case it is a thing for you in this time, the moment you think about how to do it like idle fantasizing about how to, when and where - that’s the time call someone. That’s the boundary line. Hurting so much you want to be gone is ok, thinking about doing it not so much. So you get there please call someone. If you want it to be me send me a DM and I’ll give you my number. 
 

if that thought life isn’t a risk for you then you have the first thing you can be grateful for.
 

hang in there brother. We see you. And we will read every post and at the risk of being an obnoxious poster I’ll reply to every god damn one of them.  

[Doc Daneeka 6769]

47 minutes ago, troph said:

I had that kind of love long ago, I once had a soulmate, it wasn’t meant to last a lifetime. Reconciling that perfection with the loss of it has been one of the greatest challenges of my life. I’m not sure it’s always ok with me but it just is. Well at the risk of telling a story that isn’t a fairy tale I’ll say this, I’ll walk with an emotional void and a limp the rest of my life. I really have no choice. But I’m ok, and you’ll be okay. And sometimes okay can really be spectacular. Definitely not now, but it can be in the future. But I know you are far from okay now.
 

I guess I just want to witness feeling dead inside or even worse while breathing in and out is a thing. And it’s okay. In the divorce thread I’ll occasionally talk about how to rise above and all the habits needed to make it through. Shit if that is the thing here - I seriously doubt it. I think just breathing is the only thing to focus on.
 

And not sure if wanting to be dead is a thing here for you, occasionally it is for me. I’ve learned for me it’s not really a desire but a thought escape. But just in case it is a thing for you in this time, the moment you think about how to do it like idle fantasizing about how to, when and where - that’s the time call someone. That’s the boundary line. Hurting so much you want to be gone is ok, thinking about doing it not so much. So you get there please call someone. If you want it to be me send me a DM and I’ll give you my number. 
 

if that thought life isn’t a risk for you then you have the first thing you can be grateful for.
 

hang in there brother. We see you. And we will read every post and at the risk of being an obnoxious poster I’ll reply to every god damn one of them.  

I had the “first love” thing just out of high school and we saw each other on and off for 15 years or so and then again for a while after I got divorced. At some point I think it was more about reliving being young than living today, though  

I was married for 20+ years. It wasn’t the greatest fit ever, but I had stood up in front of everyone and said “I do” regarding “until death do us part” so I was resigned to doing what I had said I would do. I got two amazing daughters out of the deal, so it was far from a total loss. By the time the ex wanted out, my only concern was how it was going to screw up holidays. There were some regrets, but nothing soul crushing.

This woman was different. I mean, about an hour in to our first in-person meeting, I knew this was what I’d never had before in my life. It was a slog to get her onboard because of her health situation — she wanted to protect herself from abandonment and me from this whole process — but I eventually wore her down. But this is absolutely soul crushing.

Not gonna lie, I’ve considered looking into helium and balloon tanks and whether that approach would be feasible. But I have a mother and two dogs to outlive. Plus, as I said above, I wore her down. And I wore her down by convincing her that I was a grown-ass man who can make his own decisions and live with the consequences. One of the consequences of being with her is that her life expectancy was shorter and that we might not have as much time as we expected, let alone wanted. I told her that I could handle that and she trusted me. I’m sure as hell not going to let her down and betray that trust. I will do what I said I would do.

Edited February 4 by Doc Daneeka

[cactusflinthead 27598]

49 minutes ago, Doc Daneeka said:

convincing her that I was a grown-ass man who can make his own decisions

Hang onto this. She was right. 

[troph 24781]

2 hours ago, Doc Daneeka said:

This woman was different. I mean, about an hour in to our first in-person meeting, I knew this was what I’d never had before in my life.

 

 

you had what most never get.

 

Quote

Not gonna lie, I’ve considered looking into helium and balloon tanks and whether that approach would be feasible. But I have a mother and two dogs to outlive.

 

and get another puppy if you need to.

 

hang in there. we are here.

[Knoxtnhorn 5971]

13 hours ago, Doc Daneeka said:

We had her memorial service today. Well, yesterday. 

I know I’m not some unicorn who’s the only one to lose a partner, but holy fuck this is bad. 

I don’t have anyone else I’m willing to drag into this whine at three in the morning, so y’all are it. My dogs have already heard more than they bargained for and my crying in the dark in a half empty bed for however many hours is freaking them out. At least typing this has made that stop for a little while. It’s an easy “scroll on by” for you, so I don’t feel too bad about it.

**OK, lucky for y’all, typing out about 5,000 words has sated my desire to express them without having to expose y’all to them, so I’ve deleted most of what would have been this post. Pretty much my approach to business emails back in the day.**

Long story fairly short, I’d been waiting 50 fucking years for this woman without really knowing it. According to her friends and family, she’d been waiting about 45 years for me. We got a little less than seven years together, but it was the best seven years of our lives. Right now, that just makes this gaping hole in my being hurt even more. Maybe in the future that will be what allows me to cope with that hole. 

Also, I have a much more vivid understanding of some of the reasons why people came up with the idea of an afterlife. I want to see her again so badly. The belief that I could do so would be an amazingly calming lifeline right now. Wish in one hand…

Carry on.

I'm sorry to hear that brother.  I damn near teared up reading it.  I hope the best for you.

  

[Sandman 3403]

I'm not normally one to stress out but when there are things that are beyond my control and I just have to take a bite from a big ol' shit sandwich, I get stressed. The last 2 weeks, my daughter's car has been acting up. Long story short, I'm in for $3000 already and after we picked it up yesterday, it's still fucked up. Dealership is doing and saying all the right things (you won't have to pay any more money; here's a free loaner car) but I'm frustrated and worried about her getting to work. She seems to be taking it ok but who knows. 

I've never really taken a "mental health day" but I feel a strong urge to do that tomorrow. Honestly, I really want to go to Top Golf and just mash the fuck out of my driver for an hour or two. Just burn off some negative energy, maybe. 

 

[Mrs Whiggins 13050]

10 hours ago, Sandman said:

I've never really taken a "mental health day" but I feel a strong urge to do that tomorrow.

Do it.

No CR here, but when people talk about toxic masculinity, they're not only referring to the treatment of females by society, but how men are seldom given 'permission' by that same society to feel and express emotions. Everything has to be 'productive' or a man is weak, effeminate, lazy, and on and on. My word, a man is not a machine any more than a woman is solely a birther of babies.

Mr. Rogers used to sing, "What do you do with the mad that you feel?" and talked about constructive ways to express our emotions of frustration or helplessness or grief that do not hurt ourselves or others.

Take that day for yourself. Own it. Enjoy it. Live it.

[troph 24781]

yeah fuck all that nonsense - be a human, go crush the ball. 

[troph 24781]

I sent a very direct email today explaining my displeasure with some invoicing that was revised after it was sent and after I paid and product was delivered, and the guy got his feeling hurt and called another guy that is on my team (this isn't a law firm thing, an outside endeavor) and anyway my guy agreed with the other guy. Then my guy sent an email telling me I was passive aggressive. I lost my shit. It's been hours and my system is still disregulated. I really hate it when people mistake aggressive for passive aggressive. He said "fine, you were extremely aggressive" to which hey - I can't disagree. I then said, still mad at the invoice situation, that I was aggressive and I'll work on my tone and do better. He then said "troph come on..." I also hate it when people assume I'm playing an emotional game when i'm mad and say, you know what, I'll do better but I'm still mad.  oh, and the other guy isn't changing shit.

in recap:

one guy made a pretty serious mistake at least customer relations mistake

I send a very direct email announcing my displeasure

vendor guy calls my guy to complain - doesn't call me - they talk for an hour apparently.

my guy agrees with the vendor guy

my guy sends a long email telling me I'm being passive aggressive and I need to understand business is built on relationships

I call my guy pissed.

I ultimately agree to work on my tone.

vendor doesn't change shit.

so in conclusion - vendor fucks up, vendor and troph's business partner agree troph needs to apologize. troph apologizes and we move on.

participants in this emotional menage a trois? an aggressive woman and two men.

 

I need a mental health afternoon motherfuckers.

Edited February 7 by troph

[Mrs Whiggins 13050]

22 hours ago, troph said:

...my guy sends a long email telling me I'm being passive aggressive and I need to understand business is built on relationships....

OMG, I love the mansplaining to you with regards to how business is run.

As if.

As if you just walked in straight from graduation with the ink on your degree still wet. I'd also like to know why your guy thinks a direct email to a vendor discussing a change in invoicing is passive aggressive vs what actually is passive aggressive or at the very least, avoidance when the vendor goes around you to talk man-to-man about getting his feelings hurt because YOU didn't behave the way he wanted ( most likely deferring to him and whatever he put on the invoice) when he fucked up.

Trying to put you in a box via the tag team.

I think you got the description slightly off though: an aggressive woman, a team-mate who threw you under the bus, and a snowflake.

 

 

[troph 24781]

1 hour ago, Mrs Whiggins said:

OMG, I love the mansplaining to you with regards to how business is run.

As if.

As if you just walked in straight from graduation with the ink on your degree still wet. I'd also like to know why your guy thinks a direct email to a vendor discussing a change in invoicing is passive aggressive vs what actually is passive aggressive or at the very least, avoidance when the vendor goes around you to talk man-to-man about getting his feelings hurt because YOU didn't behave the way he wanted ( most likely deferring to him and whatever he put on the invoice) when he fucked up.

Trying to put you in a box via the tag team.

I think you got the description slightly off though: an aggressive woman, a team-mate who threw you under the bus, and a snowflake.

 

 

Nailed it. Still pissed, though BP is lower and I’m working through it. But emotional after shocks for sure.  

[MissingInAction 25004]

There's a guy on my team, same title but he's got seniority so he feels entitled to be an ass. Your typical narcissist that makes EVERY FUCKING THING ABOUT THEM.

Luckily I work from home, and have become quite skilled at avoiding him over the past couple of years.

Were we in an office setting I would have done and/or said plenty to get my ass fired.

I've found that using single word answers are the best way to deal with shit birds like the this. 

"No" is the most powerful tool to use with insufferable chuckle fucks.

Edited February 9 by MissingInAction
Were

[Doc Daneeka 6769]

Since I feel certain y’all have been eagerly anticipating another episode of my venting my spleen, here you go. I’m considerate like that. 

I’d like to lead off with a big “fuck you” to the universe, in general, and to Facebook’s “memories on this date” for the last six years, in particular. So, fuck you both and fuck me for trying to get rid of the notification bubble when I should’ve known what was up. 

My quasi-mother-in-law called yesterday to ask me to take her to the funeral home to pick up urns, ashes, and jewelry because her son was at work and she hasn’t driven since her daughter died. That was pretty brutal. She still has the flowers all around the living room and she sits in a guest bedroom most of the day surrounded by my GF’s clothes that her brothers picked up from our house. Loosely translated from the Spanish, “My daughter was so tall and now she’s in these little urns.” Fuuuck. I’m worried about her, but everyone says she’s strong and will be ok. Not sure what to do there. 
 

I got one of the copies of the death certificate, for no reason in particular except I wanted one. “Acute renal failure,” as expected. Another “fuck you, universe” for my not being a compatible donor. 

I also had her cell phone line turned off, since it was on my account. So much of that phone is her and and having her move her service onto my account, though not momentous in the grand scheme of things, was a pretty big step toward “yeah, we’re actually going to do this.” I guess I’ll keep the phone while figuring out how to harvest anything I want to keep — fuck you, Android — while trying not to feel like too much of a creeper in the meantime as her friends use it as a way to stay in contact with me and, in a way, her, I suppose. 

I was waking 17 miles a day and now doing 3.5 feels like walking in tar. The only two reasons I even do that are because I don’t want my activity streaks to end in a way that brings me back to this time and the infinitesimal chance I might have to deal with her ire in the afterlife for being such a lil bitch after I promised her I could handle it.

One of our things about celebrating Valentine’s was just to do something at home and leave the going out on that day to others. “We have 364 other days like this; let them have this one.” So now, I’m here without that, but with a disconnected phone and a goddamned urn full of ashes.

Did I say “fuck you, universe”? Well, fuck you universe. Maybe this is the anger stage, who knows. 

Edited February 14 by Doc Daneeka

[troph 24781]

“Fuck you universe.” You’re god damn right about that one doc. 

3.7 miles in this set of circumstance? That’s impressive. The only 3.7 I would do is pours of scotch.   

vent all you want. Fuck Facebook memories. 

be kind to yourself. 

[fattyflattie 4639]

On 2/7/2024 at 12:05 PM, troph said:

I really hate it when people mistake aggressive for passive aggressive.

Qfmft. 

[UpperWestside 6159]

Yesterday I wanted to watch a movie because I had a day off so I thought about seeing the new movie about Bob Marley. While I’m scrolling through the movies that were showing I see a movie that was a foreign film called Perfect Days. It is from Japan and focuses on a man’s everyday life cleaning toilets in Tokyo. I know that probably doesn’t sound like something that anyone would rush out to see, but that wasn’t the point of the movie. The focus was on living in the now. A quote from a scene in it was “Now is now. Next time is next time.” I wasn’t expecting to be able to see such a beautiful movie yesterday, but this was so serene and peaceful.

I mention it here because I have read what @Doc Daneeka has shared about losing the love of his life. I cannot fathom that level of hurt and I am incredibly sorry your time was cut so short with such an amazing person. Seeing this movie was a beautiful two hours. When your mind is ready to let go for a bit I would suggest watching this just for the peace and calm it might at least temporarily bring you. I would suggest it to everyone else here as well. Films can be so powerful and great reminders of our own lives.

 

[Doc Daneeka 6769]

1 hour ago, UpperWestside said:

Yesterday I wanted to watch a movie because I had a day off so I thought about seeing the new movie about Bob Marley. While I’m scrolling through the movies that were showing I see a movie that was a foreign film called Perfect Days. It is from Japan and focuses on a man’s everyday life cleaning toilets in Tokyo. I know that probably doesn’t sound like something that anyone would rush out to see, but that wasn’t the point of the movie. The focus was on living in the now. A quote from a scene in it was “Now is now. Next time is next time.” I wasn’t expecting to be able to see such a beautiful movie yesterday, but this was so serene and peaceful.

I mention it here because I have read what @Doc Daneeka has shared about losing the love of his life. I cannot fathom that level of hurt and I am incredibly sorry your time was cut so short with such an amazing person. Seeing this movie was a beautiful two hours. When your mind is ready to let go for a bit I would suggest watching this just for the peace and calm it might at least temporarily bring you. I would suggest it to everyone else here as well. Films can be so powerful and great reminders of our own lives.

 

I will watch that. 

One of the strangest / most unexpected / whatever, things I’ve come across in life is that people who have a lot in common, or next to nothing in common, can be fans of a college football team and bond so much over that. 

I’ve made friends at tailgates with whom I stay in touch year round. I’ve made friends I saw six times a year — maybe more if they also went to the away games — but those six times were awesome. I’ve seen people in bars or wherever in Texas gear and, depending on their age, something as simple as “remember Steeler roll left,” or “remember 4th and 18 at KU,” or “did you see Richard Peavy make Marcus Dupree question all of his life choices, or at least the ones he could still remember” would lead to hours of football talk and family stories, then I’d never see the person again  

I’m not normally an emotional person — my ongoing self-pity party here notwithstanding — and, in fact, “robotic” has been used to describe me on more than one occasion and not always in the positive way you’d think it would be. But the fact that people here, very few of whom I’ve met, read my rants, respond to them, and even have them in mind enough to make a recommendation like this one almost gives me hope for humanity. Almost. I’ll be driving in traffic later so that hope won’t last much longer, but it’s here right now, anyway. 

Thanks. Seriously and profoundly. 

[UpperWestside 6159]

On 2/16/2024 at 2:11 PM, Doc Daneeka said:

I will watch that. 

One of the strangest / most unexpected / whatever, things I’ve come across in life is that people who have a lot in common, or next to nothing in common, can be fans of a college football team and bond so much over that. 

I’ve made friends at tailgates with whom I stay in touch year round. I’ve made friends I saw six times a year — maybe more if they also went to the away games — but those six times were awesome. I’ve seen people in bars or wherever in Texas gear and, depending on their age, something as simple as “remember Steeler roll left,” or “remember 4th and 18 at KU,” or “did you see Richard Peavy make Marcus Dupree question all of his life choices, or at least the ones he could still remember” would lead to hours of football talk and family stories, then I’d never see the person again  

I’m not normally an emotional person — my ongoing self-pity party here notwithstanding — and, in fact, “robotic” has been used to describe me on more than one occasion and not always in the positive way you’d think it would be. But the fact that people here, very few of whom I’ve met, read my rants, respond to them, and even have them in mind enough to make a recommendation like this one almost gives me hope for humanity. Almost. I’ll be driving in traffic later so that hope won’t last much longer, but it’s here right now, anyway. 

Thanks. Seriously and profoundly. 

I completely agree with relating to complete strangers through a sporting event, perhaps a music festival or even ComicCon or something of that nature. You have an opportunity to open up about your life to someone you did not know prior to that moment because you each have a common interest. The common interest here is everyone listening to each other as we share in our hardships and some of the joys in life as well.

Please continue to vent and share all that you want to. We may not all respond with a text here because sometimes words will not suffice. We’re here for you and if you want to chat off of here I believe that many of us will gladly do that.

Hope the traffic was better today for you.

Edited February 20 by UpperWestside

[Parliament 14231]

I haven’t posted here for awhile so I’m chiming in to remind y’uns of how much I appreciate this thread.  I’ve had some friends and family go through bad things.  Got a cousin who spent the last 26 years totally 100% committed to his wife and six kids.  Turns out his wife is nutso, and was carrying on an 2.5 year affair with their neighbor and friend.  I honestly believe if she hadn’t asked for a divorced he’d be trying to work it out.

He seems to he doing OK but as we know here, You.  Never. KNOW.  I worry about him taking up with another woman before he’s right in his head and finding one who’s very bad for him.  Was joking with his brother that any woman he does take up with is gonna get a full background check from us.  Like family interviews and such.  I was joking when I said it but if his brother calls and wants to do it, I’m in my pickup.  We’ll grill her kin.  And this thread will make me better at it.  That hussy is gonna get a full body cavity search.  When we’re done with her, if she hasn’t run off, she’s the one.

Anyway.  There’s entire pages in this thread that are all dark.  Please don’t ever go thinking there aren’t lurkers learning.  We’re all just learning and trying our darndest to become a better version of ourselves.

Have a great evening, guys.

Edited February 27 by Parliament

[YGIFS 19449]

I didn't really realize it until the last couple of years.  But I think about something my father once told me from a John Lennon interview/article (and he was no Beatles fan).  Tell the people you love that you love them.  Tell the truth whenever you can.  And be kind to everyone you meet.  Years later, he added something to it to perhaps impart on me something wise on his way out the door...almost 20 years ago.  "Many of the people you'll meet are utter and complete morons.  But all of the people you will meet are on a daily basis, are suffering through a complete and utter hell either in their own life or in the life of someone they love.  Act accordingly."  

I spent most of my life helping other people in myriad capacities.  But it wasn't until the last couple of years as my oldest started having some issues.  And when I really started having some issues myself, that I looked around and realized...there is also a universe of help from others if we can just open ourselves up to it.  This pale blue dot is full of assholes, misery, and cruelty.  But it's also beautiful and kind and filled with wonderment.  Take a day off from punishing ourselves every now and again and let love in.  Because for now, anyway...there ain't no rock but this one. 

 

[UpperWestside 6159]

On 2/26/2024 at 11:02 PM, Parliament said:

I haven’t posted here for awhile so I’m chiming in to remind y’uns of how much I appreciate this thread.  I’ve had some friends and family go through bad things.  Got a cousin who spent the last 26 years totally 100% committed to his wife and six kids.  Turns out his wife is nutso, and was carrying on an 2.5 year affair with their neighbor and friend.  I honestly believe if she hadn’t asked for a divorced he’d be trying to work it out.

He seems to he doing OK but as we know here, You.  Never. KNOW.  I worry about him taking up with another woman before he’s right in his head and finding one who’s very bad for him.  Was joking with his brother that any woman he does take up with is gonna get a full background check from us.  Like family interviews and such.  I was joking when I said it but if his brother calls and wants to do it, I’m in my pickup.  We’ll grill her kin.  And this thread will make me better at it.  That hussy is gonna get a full body cavity search.  When we’re done with her, if she hasn’t run off, she’s the one.

Anyway.  There’s entire pages in this thread that are all dark.  Please don’t ever go thinking there aren’t lurkers learning.  We’re all just learning and trying our darndest to become a better version of ourselves.

Have a great evening, guys.

I feel for your cousin as no one should ever be in that position. I hope that he gets some good guidance through what will be some rough sailing. Man that’s so hard to read and I really feel sad for him right now. Better days will eventually come, but right now that doesn’t help him much. Be there for him and call him regularly to give him an ear that’ll listen to him.