Depression, OCD, and whatever else ails you between the ears

[UpperWestside 6160]

Last night while I was at work one of the people I work with received a call. He immediately looked crushed. I asked him what happened and he said that the woman who helped raised him, his grandmother, passed away. It seemed like this was completely unexpected. All I knew to do was give him a hug and let him cry for awhile. I am not much on hugs and physical contact with people, but I can recognize when someone really needs that. I got his number and told him to just text or call to talk. His mom and dad had no part in his upbringing and it was an aunt and uncle and grandmother who raised him.
 

I worry about him because I do not want him to go overboard and drink heavily. I know he had one last night before he left. I just told him to try and gather his thoughts and grieve for as long as he wants in whatever way he wants. He’s a really good guy, but this just hit him like a rock. 

[cactusflinthead 27598]

On 2/26/2024 at 10:02 PM, Parliament said:

Please don’t ever go thinking there aren’t lurkers learning.

I watch the view count. I know someone is reading along. If I don't do much else in this lifetime starting this thread is one of my better efforts. All I did was get the ball rolling. I'll rant some, cry some, and cheer on anyone that wanders by. But, I think it's all of everyone that makes it work; lurkers that speak up, regs checking in, and the occasional uplifting story.

First baseball year without my old man. For all of his faults that's one thing that I can and will hang onto in the positive column. I'll try to remember that when we go clear out his house this weekend.

 

Edit: at present 1.7k replies, 93.1k views

55 to 1. All y'all reading along hang in there and keep going.

Edited March 6 by cactusflinthead

[PRONG HORN 3131]

 

 

 

 

[UpperWestside 6160]

I have a friend that I used to work with here that joined the Air Force and has been stationed in Okinawa for most of the last two years. He called today and we always have great conversations. Today when he called he told me that a member of his unit committed suicide last week. He was 28 years old, a loner and an alcoholic. He said that his commanding officer found him in his room after they got the door unlocked. He told me on Friday they had a ceremony as they boarded his remains back to the states.
 

He said it was like what you see in the movies and guys were crying as they saluted him. My friend is a little older than many of them as he is 30 and married. He can talk about this easier than they can. He said you could see signs he was unhappy. They try to talk peer-to-peer as much as they can to help folks through things, but him being such a loner made it hard. He said he looked at this young man’s social media and saw someone who was really close to his family. That probably weighed heavily on his mind being so far away in Okinawa. I guess the thing to take from a tragedy like this is to just remember to check on your friends and family more often and see how they are really doing before it gets to this point. Just so sad to know this young man felt this sad on the inside and left this world way too early.

[UpperWestside 6160]

My other friend from work was there today. I asked him how he’s doing and if the funeral plans had been finalized for his grandmother. He said he was okay (he was lying) and that things are a mess for his family. I told him it’s okay to say he’s not okay. It’s a normal human emotion to be greatly saddened at the passing of someone he loved and cared about.

I told him to just let out his feelings and if he has to just text me his thoughts to do so because he’ll feel better just getting it out. He couldn’t understand why I told him to do this because very few people have asked how he is doing and I have only known him a few months. I said that I know pain like his and that when you see that kind of pain you do what you can to help. I hope he will reach out when he is ready. At least he knows there is someone willing to listen at any time of day or night. 

[Parliament 14231]

Saying this out loud just so I can remind myself.  We need to work on our friendships and get to the point where we can pick on the phone, any time, say, "How are you doing?  I'm worried about you," and get a candid, "I'm SO glad you called.  Yeah I'm not doing well at all."  

Coworkers too.  The fact is we have coworkers who spend almost as many waking hours with us than they do with any family.  We need to try to get in well enough with coworkers they're comfortable enough to call us when they see it's necessary.

[Snake Diggity 4619]

21 hours ago, Parliament said:

Saying this out loud just so I can remind myself.  We need to work on our friendships and get to the point where we can pick on the phone, any time, say, "How are you doing?  I'm worried about you," and get a candid, "I'm SO glad you called.  Yeah I'm not doing well at all."  

Coworkers too.  The fact is we have coworkers who spend almost as many waking hours with us than they do with any family.  We need to try to get in well enough with coworkers they're comfortable enough to call us when they see it's necessary.

I struggle with this topic.  On the one hand, of course we should all be more supportive of each other and people going through mental health problems should have people close to them that they always feel comfortable reaching out to in order to get thru their tough moments.  But on the other hand, people with serious mental health issues can be exhausting.  I have had friends going through problems that seem like they need neverending support.  It has made me very skittish about reaching out to people I’m worried about, because I feel like I’m just asking to get used up.  I have suffered from depression and suicidal ideation off and on (mostly on) for decades.  When I was young I didn’t feel badly about reaching out to friends or my brothers or my mom for someone to talk to.  But in middle age I realize how busy every one is and how burdened everyone is with their own problems, and so there’s a lot of guilt about using up other people’s time and energy.

[crash_davis 23096]

Yesterday on Reddit Austin I came across a thread about Mopac and the 183 bridge being shut down. Redditors said it was a jumper from the 183 overpass down to Mopac. Then I see this thread this morning. The whole read was sad, but the part about the ringing phone got to me. Holy fuck, someone on the other end of that line is going to have a very bad year. I'm not a religious person but I'll think positive thoughts (I guess my way of saying prayers) to anyone who needs help. If you need help, please reach out to someone, anyone.

 

 

183/Mopac death

I was driving home from work and the car in front of me stops on the overpass and puts their hazards on… I’m thinking they’re out of gas. But then they drive up another 40 feet and stop again. He opens his door and with no hesitation, he jumps off the overpass and lands on the median on mopac. I’ve never even dreamt of witnessing something so terrifying in my life. I of course stopped and called 911 and they asked me if he was still breathing so I kept having to look at his body from up top and I can’t get the imagine out of my head. I was stuck on the overpass for a few hours as detectives wanted to know what I’d seen. Meanwhile, he left the door open and his phone was in the seat and someone was calling over and over. I couldn’t help but think of a mom/dad/friend or relative not knowing what had just happened. This has rocked me to my core. Life is fragile, spend it with your loved ones. Love to all

[OWLVIS 557]

On 3/6/2024 at 10:04 PM, PRONG HORN said:

 

 

 

 

so  very true... Ive had nothing but time to reflect on my life these 4 years and Ive had a lot of arguments with, but most of the hurt was a reselt God haven't managed to win one of them

 

its humbling but its allowing me to let go of so many things recognizing that  I  did a lot of damage to ,y own happiness,, yes I did have some tough situations but much of the hurt was a result of my choices my vanity, arrogance hubris

 

and I lost so many times I  don't know why I tried to live beyond my talents or abilities in a meaningless endeavor

I was so stupid, but at least Im realizing that 

[OWLVIS 557]

35 minutes ago, OWLVIS said:

so  very true... Ive had nothing but time to reflect on my life these 4 years and Ive had a lot of arguments with, but most of the hurt was a reselt God haven't managed to win one of them

 

its humbling but its allowing me to let go of so many things recognizing that  I  did a lot of damage to ,y own happiness,, yes I did have some tough situations but much of the hurt was a result of my choices my vanity, arrogance hubris

 

and I lost so many times I  don't know why I tried to live beyond my talents or abilities in a meaningless endeavor

I was so stupid, but at least Im realizing that 

my apologies for the typing mess I  have brain damage,,, and I may have Alzheimers now  my brain no work good

[Al Bundy's Napoleon Hand 13570]

Anyone have any successful intervention strategies, tips or referrals dealing with a belligerent, alcoholic and (more than likely) bipolar sibling? I'm all ears. 

[UpperWestside 6160]

Sometimes we meet people in passing that we were not really expecting and Saturday night at work counts as one of those moments. If I took an inventory of all the chance meetings I have had I could probably write a book about it. 
 

Tonght I thought my night would end a little early, but I wound up having three more tables and one in particular stood out. I wear a name badge around my neck at work to help folks to see my name and make them feel more comfortable. I have a typical German name that was passed down from my dad to me. Well this table of three was from Cologne. The husband and wife just returned from a motorcycle ride from LA to San Francisco. It was delayed a year because of the snowstorm last year. Anyhow they had their teenage daughter fly over to meet them once her school break started. I tell them my dad was from a small town called Eschwege. To the astonishment of the man he tells me he lived in Eschwege in his childhood and has never met someone in his travels that had ever mentioned it or knew where it was. He invited me to make a trip to Germany to see Eschwege. 
 

I have never been, but this man has not been back to Eschwege since he left in 1974 and this year marks since 60 years I believe since my dad left with his stepfather (US Army) and mother for America. He never returned to Germany. I don’t believe in chance meetings. This man gave me his contact information as he was leaving and I am going to take him up on this. I want to see my father’s hometown and where he grew up starting in January of 1946. Time to do a little research and find out what I can about where he may have resided and anything else about his family history during his 18 years there. Man meeting that man tonight was such a cool experience. I had another awesome chance meeting earlier in the night where I made some new friends as well.’ Sometimes you get completely blindsided with a wonderful surprise like this when you aren’t expecting it.

I mention this because sometimes when you are really going through it you just have to look for and hope for the positives to come your way. I always tell folks that no matter how rough things seem there will be an end point and things will get better. Just always keep pushing forward bit by bit and sometimes you’ll have a cool day like this one.

Edited March 24 by UpperWestside

[UpperWestside 6160]

On 3/23/2024 at 12:35 AM, OWLVIS said:

so  very true... Ive had nothing but time to reflect on my life these 4 years and Ive had a lot of arguments with, but most of the hurt was a reselt God haven't managed to win one of them

 

its humbling but its allowing me to let go of so many things recognizing that  I  did a lot of damage to ,y own happiness,, yes I did have some tough situations but much of the hurt was a result of my choices my vanity, arrogance hubris

 

and I lost so many times I  don't know why I tried to live beyond my talents or abilities in a meaningless endeavor

I was so stupid, but at least Im realizing that 

This is one of the best introspective things I have ever read someone say here or anywhere else. Thank you so very much for opening up to us like this man. Just awesome to read your honesty. 

[Neonmoon 38129]

On 3/15/2024 at 9:39 AM, Snake Diggity said:

But on the other hand, people with serious mental health issues can be exhausting

People can be exhausting. It’s one thing to offer your help and support, it’s another thing to try and be a substitute for counseling, therapy, or psychiatry. It’s good to be there for others, but you have to allow the experts to help as well. Knowing where that line is important, and it’s healthy to have boundaries so people don’t abuse your good will.

Edited March 29 by Neonmoon

[Doc Daneeka 6769]

Two months ago tomorrow was the last morning I didn’t wake up absolutely miserable. Two months ago tomorrow was my GF’s last night alive. I won’t be in any condition to write this tomorrow.

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks accepting that the world has gone pretty much back to normal even for the people who were at her memorial, except for her mother, me, and possibly my younger daughter. I have no one feasible to whom I can whine except y’all. so, yeah.

I’ve taken my five year old “niece” to breakfast at her favorite restaurant alone for the first time. She misses her aunt, at some level, but she had fun. I’ve gotten my first tattoo and, though I am a bit unhappy with the color saturation right now, I’m glad I got it. My younger daughter got her first color tattoo. The same one I got. 

I went to my “brother-in-law’s” house for his birthday and spent some time talking about movies and shows we’ve seen, because that’s what he used to talk about with her. I spent a couple of hours on the floor — which is much, much farther down than it used to be — playing Barbie with a five year old, as usual. After I left, I pulled into a parking lot and sobbed into my steering wheel for about 20 minutes, which isn’t usual at all. 

I accidentally snuck up on one of my dogs and found out that he’s been sleeping in her spot on the bed. So maybe things aren’t back to normal for him, either. 

I got yelled at for saying I was fine with dying. I tried to clarify that I just meant it was like property taxes or something. I’m not going to seek them out, but when it comes time to pay them, it won’t be a big deal to me. She wasn’t having it and I guess I can understand why. 

And I’ve read this, from her cousin at the memorial service, probably 1000 times. (Spelling, punctuation, capitalization, etc. as in the original):

Quote

And (Doc)… i knew about you since yalls first dinner date. It was the first time i had seen (GF) happy again, and excited about someone in her life even though i know she played hard to get in the beginning. But (Doc), you were and will always be her great love. She would cringe if she heard me say that now but it’s the truth.  She talked about you always. She even came to love the dogs even though she could not stand them, but she knew how much you loved them. I want to thank you for loving her unconditionally in these last years. You accompanied her to every appointment, you spent countless hours in the emergency department and even more hours in a hospital room. You were patient with her and kind because Lord knows (GF) was not a patient woman. 

God. Fucking. Damn. This. Is. Bullshit. 

Edited March 29 by Doc Daneeka

[troph 24781]

I’ll be your witness. I see you, I’m listening. This bitch of a life is not fair I agree 100. Fuck all. Keep playing Barbie, keep talking about movies. Love your dogs, let them love you. Be with your family, sounds rich. I hope it helps, I know it doesn’t feel like it. I’m sorry. 

Edited March 29 by troph

[MissingInAction 25004]

About to hit 6 months of treatment for PTSD/Depression, and I'm feeling better than I have in quite a while. 

It's helped me identify the issues so I know what they are. This gives me the tools to cope and more importantly accept them for what they are. 

With that I take control of my own well being.

 

Edited April 2 by MissingInAction

[Shoxthemonkey 1976]

2 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

About to hit 6 months of treatment for PTSD/Depression, and I'm feeling better than I have in quite a while. 

It's helped me identify the issues so I know what they are. This gives me the tools to cope and more importantly accept them for what they are. 

With that I take control of my own well being.

 

Very glad to hear this. I did treatments for depression way back before the beginning of this thread, hence my participation. I took medication for less than a year and learned some coping techniques that have kept me relatively trouble free and pharma free since. It still rears it's head once in awhile but I have been able to stare it down for the most part. Hang in there. It sounds like you have a good handle on it.

[MissingInAction 25004]

1 hour ago, Shoxthemonkey said:

Very glad to hear this. I did treatments for depression way back before the beginning of this thread, hence my participation. I took medication for less than a year and learned some coping techniques that have kept me relatively trouble free and pharma free since. It still rears it's head once in awhile but I have been able to stare it down for the most part. Hang in there. It sounds like you have a good handle on it.

Thank you.

Just had the 6 month follow up today, and things are looking good. 

Doc seemed happy with my progress.

It's a lovely day.

Edited April 2 by MissingInAction
Grammar hates us all

[UpperWestside 6160]

On 4/2/2024 at 2:24 PM, MissingInAction said:

About to hit 6 months of treatment for PTSD/Depression, and I'm feeling better than I have in quite a while. 

It's helped me identify the issues so I know what they are. This gives me the tools to cope and more importantly accept them for what they are. 

With that I take control of my own well being.

 

This is really cool to read. Good on you for tackling this and getting the help you needed to change your life for the better. It takes courage to do what you did. Congratulations to you and I hope you have many more milestones ahead to celebrate.

[freyguy 4261]

Really sad news hit us Thursday morning.  Husband of one of my wife's closest co-workers/friends shot himself the night before.  Just crushes my heart.  He was about in his mid-fifties, his wife had already retired with full state pension, they have two grown sons (oldest getting married this year, youngest about to graduate with a EE degree), he had planned to work at least until the youngest was going to graduate.  They traveled when they wanted, had a family ranch outside of town, hunted, had fun, etc.  And just an overall great guy too, not a snarky or cynical bone in his body.  From the outside, that family was checking every single box we are all striving for.  My wife and I didn't know he was struggling with depression.  Was told that same day that he had been going to therapy.  I completely respect that I'll never be able to understand what he was going through, and the ultimate conclusion he came up with.  But those thoughts just seem so foreign and far away to me, no matter how down I've been.  It does make me wonder if I will ever realize it if it starts to happen to me....(sigh)...

Edited April 14 by freyguy

[BearSchlong 8083]

“From the outside” - if I’ve learned anything from the 3 suicides from people very close to me that have died by suicide in the last 10 months, it’s that things are not always what they seem.

One of my closest friends died 3 Tuesdays ago. We had talked on Sunday and he seemed in such a great mood. He took his 4 kids fishing the day before and they had posted pics all over social media of what was seemingly the most perfect, idyllic Saturday spent at the family farm/private lake.

Then somehow Monday night/Tuesday morning he went to a house that he was flipping and ended his life.

I was out on my boat yesterday and was remembering all our fishing trips just wishing we could have had one more where I had the courage and foreshadowing to say “what’s really going on with you, my friend.” But I couldn’t have seen it coming.

[Snake Diggity 4619]

Suicide really has very little to do with how objectively well or poorly a person’s life is going.  It just has to do with how much they want to kill themselves.

[BearSchlong 8083]

You're exactly right. It's an act of insanity. I know guys at the halfway house fresh outta the pen who aren't on a winning streak that hit their knees in gratitude every morning. One of the 3 aforementioned suicides I mentioned was a billionaire’s daughter who could have taken daddy’s jet anywhere in the world to get away.

Those of us who remain are the ones who have to deal.

[Doc Daneeka 6769]

The first time my GF and I ever talked on the phone, one of the things we talked about was underrated movies… stuff we loved but that didn’t get the love we thought it deserved.

Her: What movie do you like that doesn’t get enough credit?

Me: Well, a few years ago I’d probably have said The Warriors, but it seems to have a cult thing going on now, so I guess mine would be Eddie and the…

Her: Cruisers! Yes! 

Both: Tender Years!

So, grinning like an idiot, I play Tender Years and we just listen to it. 

Me: What about…

Her: On the Dark Side? I love it.

Me: … On the Dark Side?

And then we both just laughed. I felt like maybe I’d found something I didn’t even know was there to look for.

Fast forward a few days and I’ve made an MP4 of the drum and sax intro and made it her text tone. For six and a half years, every time she texted me, I heard the intro to Tender Years. Sometimes she’d be in the same room and text me and say, “I just want to hear my text come in.” 

Fast forward a few years and Tender Years was going to be our first dance at our wedding. Even if we couldn’t ever have an official one. 

Fast forward to last Saturday and it was raining like a bitch here. She didn’t like driving in the rain. In a fair world, I’d have driven her to her office and to any showings she would’ve had that day. And then we’d have gone to have pho or Tex-Mex. And we”d have been delusionally happy and not even really noticed, because that was our default state. 

Instead, I was driving back, alone, in the rain from a friend’s house and Tender Years comes on the radio. I had to pull over. It was the worst moment I’ve had since I walked away from her for the last time at her memorial.

Tonight, I’m on her iPad looking for any straggling emails or texts from her clients. Like a fuckwit, I open her Apple Music. What’s on under “heavy rotation?” Tender Years. And she had a Wedding playlist. Yeah. It was on there, of course. Fuck me. 

She’s fucking gone and she took part of me with her and none of that is ever coming back. In a few days, it will be three months since she died. I think its hitting even harder now than then because some of the numbness and disbelief is gone. 

I feel this image. I am this image. Except I’d add “dogs” to the list. 
 

 

[UpperWestside 6160]

Today is always a somber day because it’s the day my dad died 13 years ago, but this year I decided to change things up a bit. I got my surfboard and headed for the beach. It was 83 in the city, but only maybe 70 at the beach. As much as I wanted to get in the water I know my limits and am not a fan of water that feels too cold even if I do have a wetsuit on. Far Rockaway’s cold water can wait until it warms up.

Instead I just laid out in the sun and called my mom and talked to my five year old niece on FaceTime. Seeing her enthusiasm for life at her young age made today feel good. I was never particularly close to my dad, but as the years roll on by I see him in a different light than I did when he was here. I wonder what he would think of having two grandkids from my younger brother or all the stories I could now share with him from the decade of travel I have put in and the places I have seen and lived. I wonder how life would have been different for him had he been given a better childhood than being raised in postwar Germany. His Opa raised him because his mother turned 19 the day before he was born. His mother, and my Oma, was awesome, but she was young and having fun when he came along. 
 

I kinda think he would understand why I never have married or have kids and why that brings me happiness. Mostly it would have been cool to have asked him a few more things about life instead but of being so distant from him while he was here. I do think he might laugh that I now use his name instead of being called JR or Junior anymore. I will never forget the empty feeling on the final call I got saying he was gone or seeing his lifeless body in the hospital bed when I finally got there from Dallas. 
 

I hope that those of you who still have a parent or parents still here that you make better use of that time than I did with my dad. When they are gone that’s it and you do not get another chance with them. My mom is still here and we talk almost every single day even if it’s really late at night. I just felt like sharing this in case there is someone in a difficult spot with a parent.

[BearSchlong 8083]

You’re a good egg.

My dad’s younger brother died last night, and my wife’s mom, who is suffering from brain cancer, can’t remember her name.

Such is life’s fleeting. Find joy where you can.

[YGIFS 19449]

Thanks for sharing UpperWestside.  We just marked the 19th anniversary of my father's passing not that long ago.  And I was in a pretty bad rut last month (related to another forum thread), not really about my father's death.  I mean you have days where you focus on that kinda thing-we're all human.  This was about some other shit.  And our relationship, or lack thereof, was quite similar to what you poignantly described in your post.  

To your point about parenting---and this will be a ramble as Lobo is wont to do.  His parents couldn't make the trip to the funeral because it would have killed them to see their son's corpse at almost 90 after a 10 hour trip.  His brother gave some remarks and it fell to me to give the eulogy.  And I began with "I'm sure you all know my father's gift for the spoken word (like me, he did not speak much in public---but when he did it was commanding), and I'd like to think that I inherited part of that talent.  And I assure you that talent will fail me today.  And the line landed well.  And then I just became a blubbering mess.  I don't even remember what the fuck I said.  Something about keep his parents in your prayers, go with god, cry, cry, cry, tissue, tissue, tissue.  But for some reason, and I never knew why...at the end...despite only having gotten engaged that year...and children not even a sparkle in my eye......I said, "His final lesson to me is 'be a good father, be a good father.'  And people, even his sister, looked at me confused.  And I was sure as shit confused.  My now wife was confused.  And I said thank you and we prayed and yada yada yada.  I didn't think about the eulogy for over a decade after that.  And for some reason last month, to your points, during a really tough rut...I remembered not remembering, if that makes sense, the words I randomly spoke to take the edge off my blubbering.  and that meme above your post confirms it........get out of this pit and be a good father.  At worst, don't let your children find a dead body in their house.  At best, live a full life and be a good father.  Maybe even get to put the 'fun' back in 'funeral' 

[Deej 76751]

I was diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder. I've lived my whole life in a constant, low-grade funk that occasionally turns in to a pretty major one with the right triggers. My old housemate from 20 years ago is going through a bad divorce and was really needing a friend, so I flew her to town to stay with me for a few weeks. I didn't realize how bad of a state she was in until I got to see her in person. Completely bi-polar and rapid cycling when she got here. My ex-wife was the exact same way and it brought back a lot of fucked up shit. Anyway, I think it was bad for both of us, mentally. I've feel like I broke my brain dealing with her and trying to keep her lifted up. I kept it together while she was here, but as soon as I put her back on a plane, the fucking dam broke for me. 

Anyway, after years of ignoring my problems, I'm having a hard time. I never really mind the low grade funk, because it feeds my fucked up sense of humor, even though it keeps me from really being able to keep normal relationships and being happy and interested in things. Anyone have any recs for a therapist in Austin? Tried to look my old one up only to find out they had passed. 

Edited May 4 by Deej

[fattyflattie 4639]

3 hours ago, Deej said:

I was diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder. I've lived my whole life in a constant, low-grade funk that occasionally turns in to a pretty major one with the right triggers.

Damn. Didn’t know this was a thing.  I don’t ever get into major funks, but can keep a low grade consistent level for years at a time.  How would diagnose something like that? 

[Deej 76751]

Well, low-level depression daily for two or more years at a time is one indicator. 

Edited May 4 by Deej

[cactusflinthead 27598]

15 hours ago, Deej said:

Anyone have any recs for a therapist in Austin?

The go to response has been to check Psychology Today for your area. Unless you have gotten a PM from someone.

[Deej 76751]

Thanks

[Stunns38 3460]

Today is always a somber day because it’s the day my dad died 13 years ago, but this year I decided to change things up a bit. I got my surfboard and headed for the beach. It was 83 in the city, but only maybe 70 at the beach. As much as I wanted to get in the water I know my limits and am not a fan of water that feels too cold even if I do have a wetsuit on. Far Rockaway’s cold water can wait until it warms up.
Instead I just laid out in the sun and called my mom and talked to my five year old niece on FaceTime. Seeing her enthusiasm for life at her young age made today feel good. I was never particularly close to my dad, but as the years roll on by I see him in a different light than I did when he was here. I wonder what he would think of having two grandkids from my younger brother or all the stories I could now share with him from the decade of travel I have put in and the places I have seen and lived. I wonder how life would have been different for him had he been given a better childhood than being raised in postwar Germany. His Opa raised him because his mother turned 19 the day before he was born. His mother, and my Oma, was awesome, but she was young and having fun when he came along. 
 
I kinda think he would understand why I never have married or have kids and why that brings me happiness. Mostly it would have been cool to have asked him a few more things about life instead but of being so distant from him while he was here. I do think he might laugh that I now use his name instead of being called JR or Junior anymore. I will never forget the empty feeling on the final call I got saying he was gone or seeing his lifeless body in the hospital bed when I finally got there from Dallas. 
 
I hope that those of you who still have a parent or parents still here that you make better use of that time than I did with my dad. When they are gone that’s it and you do not get another chance with them. My mom is still here and we talk almost every single day even if it’s really late at night. I just felt like sharing this in case there is someone in a difficult spot with a parent.

I agree. Lost my dad in 2019 and really didn’t spend a lot of time with my mom since we lived far apart. She just passed this March and I really regret not making a better effort to spend more time with her.

[Doc Daneeka 6769]

For those joining the story mid-season: the absolute love of my life who also felt the same way about me — to the point it stretches the bounds of mere luck and circumstance almost enough to make this atheist believe in something more — died in January.

Now, as much as I fight against it, I feel like I’m being pulled into the event horizon of this kind of bullshit. 

I don’t want that. Holy fuck, I don’t want that. She was the best woman who ever came into my life. There’s only a second place position because I have a couple of kids, otherwise she would basically be the list. It would be disrespectful to get to that point. It would be a chickenshit cop out to get to that point. Yet, here I fucking am. 

During my increasingly too long a time on this planet, I’ve been described — and not always charitably, I might add  — as cold. Inhuman. Callous. Unfeeling. Emotionless. Robotic. Cyborg. Cold-blooded. Too logical. Too analytic. Heartless. Cruel. You get the gist. I’ve shed a combined zero (0) tears for six dead grandparents, an uncle, and a murdered stepmother. And a divorce after 22 years.

Losing my GF is taking my soul. I have cried more (literally every fucking day since she died) in these almost four months than the last fifty years combined. At first, the grief outweighed the denial and things were bad. Of course. Then things leveled off for a while. It sucked, but more in a chronic, steady-state mode of hell, with only a few acute episodes, usually spurred by music or coming across something of hers in the house. Now, I think the denial is fading and what’s been going on for the last couple of weeks is just unrelenting waves of fucking misery. High level, hard to get a breath between sobs, “where’s the damned pancreatic cancer when you need it,” “I should’ve just lay down and bled out when I got stabbed” agony.

Long story still long, how do I find a counselor/therapist/whatever with whom I can mesh at least a little? It feels like it’s going to be a combination of trial and error combined with geographic convenience (or virtual sessions). Is that all there is to it? Are they all pretty much working from the same manual? Are there any questions beyond “You any good with handling loss of a spouse?” that I should be asking?

It also turns out, apparently, that thoughts such as some of the above are passive ideation of suicide and it also turns out that loved ones kind of panic when they hear such things. I don’t consider them as such, or at least not in any way they would transition to active, but I don’t make the definitions. So maybe this will also have the side benefit of getting some people off my ass because I do not need nagging added to this dogpile. 

[troph 24781]

Wanting to be dead is normal. There I said it. 

There are times life is that hard. I probably want to be dead 2-3 times a year. No really, I wish I was gone. Can be for a number of reasons, I feel so intensely and it hurts so much I want to be free from it and truthfully in that moment the reality is only death would logically suffice. It freaks everyone out. I rarely talk about it.

Where it turns to a point where you need help is when you start thinking about how you would do it. That is NOT a good place to be. That’s when you need to talk to someone. I have a best friend who gets it and that’s our deal. She or I start planning, we pick up the phone and call. I’ve never gone that far.

I wanted to be dead most days of my divorce. It sucked so bad. I’m ok now but it was 2-3 years of feeling like that. I’m pretty sure she wishes I was dead too, mostly because of love and loss. 

I don’t know much but I’m just trying to say wanting to be gone is a natural response to the amount of grief you are dealing with. It’s unimaginable. I can’t try to understand because hell you probably can’t fully understand, it’s indescribable. 

all I can say is I’m your witness. I see you. I hear you, most of who you are is fucking gone. You can rebuild, you can heal, that sounds like total bullshit I get it. It is true. Second or third loves are still special. My first love can never be replaced, but my life is good. It’s worth being happy about. You can have that but honestly not now, you’ve got a lot of loving and grieving left to do. That’s ok. 

therapists man, dime a dozen. The good ones are great. Probably trial and error. Maybe a group? Definitely a therapist that has grief and loss of a spouse or kid experience.

dont be afraid of new treatments, don’t settle.

keep crying. Love your dog, god we don’t deserve them. Love your kids, they deserve you. 

stick around. You’re loved by a pup, kids, family and definitely the least of everyone - some awkward assholes on the internet. 

[Lidig8r 1870]

On 5/20/2024 at 12:33 PM, Doc Daneeka said:

For those joining the story mid-season: the absolute love of my life who also felt the same way about me — to the point it stretches the bounds of mere luck and circumstance almost enough to make this atheist believe in something more — died in January.

Now, as much as I fight against it, I feel like I’m being pulled into the event horizon of this kind of bullshit. 

I

Long story still long, how do I find a counselor/therapist/whatever with whom I can mesh at least a little? It feels like it’s going to be a combination of trial and error combined with geographic convenience (or virtual sessions). Is that all there is to it? Are they all pretty much working from the same manual? Are there any questions beyond “You any good with handling loss of a spouse?” that I should be asking?

 

Doc, when you are first introduced to a therapist, look upon it as their audition to you. Why should you automatically trust them? Why should you be expected to immediately open up to a stranger? That is crap.

Ask any question you want.  The therapist should be willing to answer anything. You are trusting your heart, your soul, your anguish to this person. And like any relationship, it will take time. Take a look at this website for possible questions to ask.

https://mindwellnyc.com/questions-to-ask-a-therapist/

Trust is a 2 way street. THEY have to establish credibility with you.

[Doc Daneeka 6769]

4 hours ago, Lidig8r said:

Doc, when you are first introduced to a therapist, look upon it as their audition to you. Why should you automatically trust them? Why should you be expected to immediately open up to a stranger? That is crap.

Ask any question you want.  The therapist should be willing to answer anything. You are trusting your heart, your soul, your anguish to this person. And like any relationship, it will take time. Take a look at this website for possible questions to ask.

https://mindwellnyc.com/questions-to-ask-a-therapist/

Trust is a 2 way street. THEY have to establish credibility with you.

Awesome. Thanks.

I had a brief consultation yesterday and asked a lot of those questions. I have an actual session scheduled for next week. I’ll make note of any additional ones to ask as part of deciding whether to continue with this therapist  

My preferred method of “therapy” for the duration of my life has been to swallow shit or vent shit and move on. It’s worked reasonably well. It’s not working now. I’m not thrilled with the prospect of therapy and, frankly, think it’s likely to be futile.I’m of the opinion that nothing other than time is going to make any real difference in this agony and that nothing other than death is going to stop it. 

Fuck, though, if it can keep me from weaponizing my grief to attack my memories of her or feelings about her as a way of lessening this crushing bullshit, it would be worth it so I have to try. That’s my only real fear in this. If I have to be sad forever in exchange for my time with her, then I’ll be sad forever. I’ll take that hit and I’ll make that trade and I’d do it again, eyes wide open. But I am not willing to diminish who she was and who she was to me as some sad sack, chickenshit way of trying to make tolerable my remaining time on this rock. 

[Lidig8r 1870]

12 hours ago, Doc Daneeka said:

 

Fuck, though, if it can keep me from weaponizing my grief to attack my memories of her or feelings about her as a way of lessening this crushing bullshit, it would be worth it so I have to try. That’s my only real fear in this. If I have to be sad forever in exchange for my time with her, then I’ll be sad forever. I’ll take that hit and I’ll make that trade and I’d do it again, eyes wide open. But I am not willing to diminish who she was and who she was to me as some sad sack, chickenshit way of trying to make tolerable my remaining time on this rock. 

Fuckin A. You are a man. You are a great, big man.

And maybe you tell the therapist you want to focus on those issues. When you find a rock, solid place to keep her in your heart, when you find that place where you have the freedom and joy of honoring her... I believe you will find that everything else will fall into place.

Be strong! Be resilient! And I hope you find that one person, that therapist with whom you can give yourself the grace and courage to be vulnerable.

[YGIFS 19449]

IRL-I spend so much time avoiding people and being silent.  Last week, was having a really tough time and my wife reminded me that my oldest girl has some of my mental health traits.  And I just had to get my shit together but just couldn't.  And I met an old neighbor/friend for lunch and I didn't say much about what was going on, but he's a perceptive cat.  So we talk some shop and sports and in the parking lot afterwards, he just bear-hugged me, smiled, and walked to his car.  Few hours later, I'm at our school board committee meeting and I was paying attention and talking but not really "there."  I mean, who the hell is at those things?  And this woman whom I don't know terribly well but we go back about 6 years and she has a special needs son (we bonded over that fact because i have a special needs sister).  And I'm walking out to my truck as fast as possible when we finished.  And I hear her sweet voice, and she discretely stops me (some pretend question about a school issue so nobody would think anything of our side-chat) and just politely asks what's going on with me, she could see it all over my face which nobody else could.  And we talked for awhile and I felt so much better.  And I expressed my worry that my daughter will develop some of the shit I have.  I've told my wife that I've long since chalked up my mental issues as a cost of having so many other cognitive skills.  But in the end, who cares if you're not alive nor happy.  

I serve and volunteer and worship and give and care more than most (humblebrag).  And I suppose I do it for the same reason I abused liquid time machines.  To get out of my own head.  But last Thursday, I remembered for all that I do for others, and I do a lot.  I forgot to remember, that there are people that want to do for me.  And I need to set my motherfucker to receive every now and again.  

Tell the people you love that you love them, tell the truth whenever you can, and be kind to everyone you meet because you never know what they're going through but you can bet it's not great.  Jesus or John Lennon.  Or somebody.  

[UpperWestside 6160]

My brother had a really serious work accident about a month ago and he could’ve died had he not finally gone to the ER. We don’t talk a great deal and it is because of me being a terrible older brother when we were kids. All of it looks different now in the context of having had autism and no one knowing, but you can’t change the most past.

I sent him a text and he responded a few days later once he came around. He told me to come visit this summer since I haven’t been home in three years. He has some severe anxiety that contributes to his health issues, but hopefully he heals up and everything that happened does not hinder his long-term health.

Sometimes I think family issues are the most difficult to overcome and this one has been a life-long hindrance to us being much more than acquaintances. I just give him his space to hopefully eventually sort through the past and make peace with it. I apologized five years ago for not being a better brother, but time has not yet healed these wounds.

[YGIFS 19449]

I hope you and your brother continue to improve.  It's usually tougher with family not just because of the history and drama, but because of just the gradual burns of small changes.  You can probably spot somebody at your restaurant with a mental health or addiction issue before they've gotten the appetizer, but with family-we have blinders sometimes and again, just that issue of years of little tiny shifts here and there that we cannot really track in real time.  And if we could, how the hell do we approach them?  

If you have a chance, watch a kinda half-documentary/half-standup special that a friend of mine did called "The Great Depresh." (Netflix IIRC).   In it he talks about how after all these years, his mother never has come to terms with his mental health issues.  One of his working theories/jokes is that she was just around him all the time, smothered him and just didn't see the slow changes.  Because "Well, he was such a happy and bright young boy growing up."  

I think of how kind and jovial my paternal grandfather was.  But all of his children were mean and disturbed.  And my brother got the jovial and content piece, while I obviously got something else.  And they likely went generations just burying this shit out of shame or ignorance or denial.  And my oldest has a streak of it in her already and I have to be the one to break this cycle.  And to make things super fun, I got my mother's family thinking everything is peachy keen despite a dozen of 'em having died from addiction (food, alcohol, etc.).  And my Catholic  in-laws thinking that marriage counseling, talk therapy, AA, etc. are for weak protestants that don't have enough Holy Spirit.  Hallelujah, holy shit, where's the tylenol?  

[Al Bundy's Napoleon Hand 13570]

On 3/23/2024 at 7:59 PM, Al Bundy's Napoleon Hand said:

Anyone have any successful intervention strategies, tips or referrals dealing with a belligerent, alcoholic and (more than likely) bipolar sibling? I'm all ears. 

Well, unfortunately she didn't make it. Ex-boyfriend found her in her car Thursday morning. Likely alcohol poisoning. 

[BearSchlong 8083]

I sure hate to hear that. Awful. I’m so sorry for your loss.

[Lidig8r 1870]

In the past two years, physician assisted suicide has become a talking point for persons afflicted with Anorexia nervosa. And I have been fighting those palliative care doctors every step of the way.

Filing medical board complaints against some, changing the narrative. Was featured in a Washington Post article in November 2023. Working with about 20 doctors and advocates on a white paper to be submitted to NIH, HHS and Congress.

Recently, news reports of a 19 year old dying from anorexia in the UK when she could not get treatment. A 29 year old and 34 year old in the Netherlands being able to utilize physician assisted suicide for their eating disorders.

There are no generally accepted standards of care for the treatment of eating disorders. PE firms running treatment centers into the ground. No collaboration with the medical community. Militant Fat Activists being allowed to have a voice. And now... "oh... we don't really understand eating disorders, but what the fuck, we can't cure you so let us help kill you."

Fucking ball washing bastards.

And so, the struggle is real and it continues.

https://adadsjourneywitheatingdisorders.home.blog/2024/06/20/palliative-cares-ultimate-loss/

[Ojo Rojo 1946]

Having some fucked up anxiety mixed with OCD runaway thoughts.  Sucks.  Need someone to tell me I'm not going fucking crazy.

[Vegas64 673]

1 hour ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Having some fucked up anxiety mixed with OCD runaway thoughts.  Sucks.  Need someone to tell me I'm not going fucking crazy.

You are not going crazy. This happened to me a few weeks ago.

Did you by chance have or just get over having the latest strain of covid? Lots of people I've talked to (and I experienced it first hand) had this mental issue with the latest strand. Just saying there could be a physical component to it.

[troph 24781]

i'm about to start zoloft for the first time in my life taking an SSRI for anxiety.  I've taken Xanax too the last month for the first time in my life. I've had panic attacks and PTSD/trauma over this last bout of Covid. It's NOT good.  And, there is evidence covid can mess with the CNS so mood impacts can not only be a secondary symptom (for me a feedback loop between post-covid physical symptoms and anxiety that also produces similar physical symptoms), but covid can produce primary symptoms impacting your mood.

After DECADES of talk therapy, exercise and breathing exercises as my top treatments I said fuck it, give me something.  We will see, but fuck anxiety and the cluster of mood issues it is related to in the peckerhole.

don't have anything else to add other than take control of your situation and if that means get on the med train, well, I'm all for it.

[UpperWestside 6160]

1 hour ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Having some fucked up anxiety mixed with OCD runaway thoughts.  Sucks.  Need someone to tell me I'm not going fucking crazy.

You absolutely are not. Just attempt to clear your mind if you can do so and stop whatever you are doing. I can recall moments when I felt anxiety pushing me to a point where what helped was getting a hug. I am not much of a touchy feely person, but that seemed to disappate the feelings of anxiety run amok.

[Ojo Rojo 1946]

1 hour ago, Vegas64 said:

 

Unfortunately, this was self-induced. Smoked some pot after years and years of not.  Didn't know how strong it was or anything.  So dumb.  Basically initiated my worst living nightmare. It was very hard to get a hold of myself.  I'm still sort of quivering about it. In my nightmare, talking about it is some sort of damning admission, which made the whole thing worse because I felt I couldn't talk to anyone about it.