Depression, OCD, and whatever else ails you between the ears

[Vegas64 673]

1 hour ago, troph said:

i'm about to start zoloft for the first time in my life taking an SSRI for anxiety.  I've taken Xanax too the last month for the first time in my life. I've had panic attacks and PTSD/trauma over this last bout of Covid. It's NOT good.  And, there is evidence covid can mess with the CNS so mood impacts can not only be a secondary symptom (for me a feedback loop between post-covid physical symptoms and anxiety that also produces similar physical symptoms), but covid can produce primary symptoms impacting your mood.

After DECADES of talk therapy, exercise and breathing exercises as my top treatments I said fuck it, give me something.  We will see, but fuck anxiety and the cluster of mood issues it is related to in the peckerhole.

don't have anything else to add other than take control of your situation and if that means get on the med train, well, I'm all for it.

Yep all this. Post-covid + mental anxiety = physical manifestations. Been taking some Busiprone lately to medicate.

[troph 24781]

6 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Unfortunately, this was self-induced. Smoked some pot after years and years of not.  Didn't know how strong it was or anything.  So dumb.  Basically initiated my worst living nightmare. It was very hard to get a hold of myself.  I'm still sort of quivering about it. In my nightmare, talking about it is some sort of damning admission, which made the whole thing worse because I felt I couldn't talk to anyone about it.

I’m not a fan of pot for that very reason. It’s a wildcard whether it helps or makes it worse and even strains said to make it better will flip on you mid high. Fuck that. I’ll lean on exercise, breathing, self talk and non thc cbd oils but nothing else (of course now I’m talking Xanax and Zoloft but to be quite honest I want a reset then I want off them completely).

I’m sorry you went through that, but it’s over so get back to the things you know can work for you. 

Edited August 13 by troph

[Anastasis 23454]

8 hours ago, troph said:

i'm about to start zoloft for the first time in my life taking an SSRI for anxiety.  I've taken Xanax too the last month for the first time in my life. I've had panic attacks and PTSD/trauma over this last bout of Covid. It's NOT good.  And, there is evidence covid can mess with the CNS so mood impacts can not only be a secondary symptom (for me a feedback loop between post-covid physical symptoms and anxiety that also produces similar physical symptoms), but covid can produce primary symptoms impacting your mood.

After DECADES of talk therapy, exercise and breathing exercises as my top treatments I said fuck it, give me something.  We will see, but fuck anxiety and the cluster of mood issues it is related to in the peckerhole.

don't have anything else to add other than take control of your situation and if that means get on the med train, well, I'm all for it.

Troph, be aware that SSRIs can transiently increase anxiety initially. It makes a lot of sense to bridge during initiation of an SSRI with a benzo. Also the initial activation can be associated with suicidal thoughts or potentially increased impulsivity. You sound pretty tuned in to your headspace, but given some of your comments, just be mindful...those first few weeks can be a ride while the neurochemistry is sorting out. 

[troph 24781]

re-thinking zoloft. took hydroxyzine last night and it worked great. If my asthma is short term I really don't want even a 4-6 month run on an SSRI when the symptom is shortness of breath induced anxiety. This weekend will be my next real test as I try to switch to inhaler meds only (dropping steroids), if hydroxyzine works for sleep and situational anxiety then that may bridge me over.  fuck covid, fuck anxiety.

good compare to xanax.

https://www.talkiatry.com/blog/hydroxyzine-vs-xanax

the association with memory related illness should not be footnoted on these meds though. 

Edited August 13 by troph

[Ojo Rojo 1946]

14 hours ago, troph said:

I’m not a fan of pot for that very reason. It’s a wildcard whether it helps or makes it worse and even strains said to make it better will flip on you mid high. Fuck that. I’ll lean on exercise, breathing, self talk and non thc cbd oils but nothing else (of course now I’m talking Xanax and Zoloft but to be quite honest I want a reset then I want off them completely).

I’m sorry you went through that, but it’s over so get back to the things you know can work for you. 

It used to be fun, but the last couple of times have been...really not fun. Sucks that it's something I can't enjoy. But I think I've learned my lesson and I'm pretty much where you've landed.

[troph 24781]

1 hour ago, Ojo Rojo said:

It used to be fun, but the last couple of times have been...really not fun. Sucks that it's something I can't enjoy. But I think I've learned my lesson and I'm pretty much where you've landed.

I still take a 25mg:5mg cbd/thc (5:1) gummy if I'm in a great place with an extra day to recover so often on a holiday weekend, friday or saturday night. but I'm pretty restrictive about it making sure my current mood is good. I find the most reliable impact of thc regardless of the strain is to accentuate my current mood up or down.  If I'm in a great place, man a saturday night at home with dinner and movie can be so much better, but again super super careful.

I'm sorry it hit you so bad, that's no fun at all.

[Doc Daneeka 6769]

I’ll spare y’all the usual windy-ass post this time.

Seven years ago today, I met the woman who helped me understand what “love” and “happiness” really mean. What they really feel like. She was so far beyond anything I could’ve hoped for that it almost doesn’t seem real. I couldn’t have asked for a better woman because she was more than I would’ve been able to put on a list. 

That she felt the same way about me is way past miraculous. 

As I’ve said before, “Tender Years” was our song. It would’ve been our first dance at our wedding. And the sax intro was her text tone. Today, I’m going to listen to it a lot. I’m going to go back to where we had our first date. I’m going to sit at the same table. I’m going to try to focus on good memories and not her absence. We’ll see how it goes. Just as she taught me what “love” and “happiness” really mean, unfortunately she also taught me what “sadness” really means. So, this won’t be easy. On the upside, I’m one day closer to not being without her. 

Edited August 20 by Doc Daneeka

[Bozo_Casanova 26432]

I’m so mad at myself. I’m am a listless, distracted mess right now and it’s costing me productivity at a crucial time. I’m not just slower than the bear right now, I’m slower than everyone else. Fuck this and fuck everything and fuck me too. 
Thank you for listening to my TED talk. 

[UpperWestside 6159]

19 hours ago, Bozo_Casanova said:

I’m so mad at myself. I’m am a listless, distracted mess right now and it’s costing me productivity at a crucial time. I’m not just slower than the bear right now, I’m slower than everyone else. Fuck this and fuck everything and fuck me too. 
Thank you for listening to my TED talk. 

Years from now you won’t remember your productivity or lack thereof at this particular moment. You’ll remember the people in your life and the memories you are making with them. Brush aside the frustration you feel right now and just remember what a good life you currently have and will have going forward. The only thing that matters in the end is the people around you. Work and everything else will take care of itself.

[Bozo_Casanova 26432]

1 minute ago, UpperWestside said:

Years from now you won’t remember your productivity or lack thereof at this particular moment. You’ll remember the people in your life and the memories you are making with them. Brush aside the frustration you feel right now and just remember what a good life you currently have and will have going forward. The only thing that matters in the end is the people around you. Work and everything else will take care of itself.

Yeah, you’re right of course. But when I don’t feel productive or focused professionally I feel like I’m failing my family and putting everything at risk. 

[troph 24781]

10 minutes ago, Bozo_Casanova said:

Yeah, you’re right of course. But when I don’t feel productive or focused professionally I feel like I’m failing my family and putting everything at risk. 

I sometimes feel the same. I've come to trust myself. we are about the same age, we are mid career, you have been reliable your entire adult life. there's a part of you that just won't let it fall off the cliff. trust that part of you that just gets it done. it will make it easier to manage when you feel like your in the doldrums. my experience, ymmv.

[Bozo_Casanova 26432]

45 minutes ago, troph said:

I sometimes feel the same. I've come to trust myself. we are about the same age, we are mid career, you have been reliable your entire adult life. there's a part of you that just won't let it fall off the cliff. trust that part of you that just gets it done. it will make it easier to manage when you feel like your in the doldrums. my experience, ymmv.

Thank you. I know you feel it too. It’s not the pressure to succeed, that part is fine. It’s the fear of what happens if I don’t. It’s the self-loathing when I don’t do my best work and the inability to enjoy the results when I do. It’s that empty relief of crisis averted that has become a substitute for joy and celebration. 

[troph 24781]

1 minute ago, Bozo_Casanova said:

Thank you. I know you feel it too. It’s not the pressure to succeed, that part is fine. It’s the fear of what happens if I don’t. It’s the self-loathing when I don’t do my best work and the inability to enjoy the results when I do. It’s that empty relief of crisis averted that has become a substitute for joy and celebration. 

bolded part 100%

[ROFL BOX 6647]

Always fun when you're counting on a medium to large sized project to get you to the other side of some unforseen expenses & the customer just backs out / goes with a different contractor with no reasons provided.

¿Yay me?

[Lidig8r 1870]

Sometimes... in our darkest moments and on the most solemn of days... we still must remember, stay strong, embrace resiliency, and remain on the path.

https://adadsjourneywitheatingdisorders.home.blog/2024/08/27/her-place-of-serenity/

[UpperWestside 6159]

On 8/21/2024 at 4:17 PM, Bozo_Casanova said:

Yeah, you’re right of course. But when I don’t feel productive or focused professionally I feel like I’m failing my family and putting everything at risk. 

I am not in your position of having to monetarily be the backbone of a family. The question I would pose to you is this. If your occupation ceased to exist tomorrow would your family love and value you still? I think you know the answer to the question, but sometimes reminding yourself of that can bring at least some momentary peace in the hectic moments in life.

[Funk Doctor Spock 12175]

Hey guys. I have a lot going on. So let me start-

My wife just told me she's having an affair with a guy she works with (who's a member of a cult) like you tell someone you need to mow the grass. Just casually. Then she started the divorce yesterday. She is my soul mate, and I'm fucking hurting from a couple of other things. My depression has been going on since my dad passed away 4 years ago on Aug 5th. 

My best friend zoom called me to let me know he came back positive for HIV, which he got from his gf who cheated on him. I'm broken. 

I find out not too long back my female cousin has something called Huntington's, which apparently has no cure. 

I just lost 2 of my best friends/fur babies in back to back years. 

I feel alone. I don't show emotion other than hunor, which is how I cope. The pain I'm experiencing is beyond measure, and I already suffer from OCD, and severe depression. I have so much shit on my plate and I've been having thoughts of just ending it all. I literally cannot take anymore of life. I miss my fur babies so much. We went everywhere together and I had them for 15 and 16 years. They got me through my dad's death. My mother is a narcissist who wouldn't even let me or my sisters say goodbye. He and my fur babies were the greatest things in my life, far beyond material success. 

Guys, I'm beyond broken. I don't know what to do. I already see a psychiatrist. I hate that I have no one to vent to. This is the most I have ever shown emotionally in my entire life except when I lost the aforementioned to my soon to be ex-wife. I don't know how to accept that they're gone. I can't just pack up their stuff and put it away. I hurt every single day of my life. I an man enough to admit I go to our guest bedroom to cry. 

I'm sorry for laying this out to y'all, but a fellow member directed me here. 

[HRSchenker 2268]

2 hours ago, Funk Doctor Spock said:

Hey guys. I have a lot going on. So let me start-

My wife just told me she's having an affair with a guy she works with (who's a member of a cult) like you tell someone you need to mow the grass. Just casually. Then she started the divorce yesterday. She is my soul mate, and I'm fucking hurting from a couple of other things. My depression has been going on since my dad passed away 4 years ago on Aug 5th. 

My best friend zoom called me to let me know he came back positive for HIV, which he got from his gf who cheated on him. I'm broken. 

I find out not too long back my female cousin has something called Huntington's, which apparently has no cure. 

I just lost 2 of my best friends/fur babies in back to back years. 

I feel alone. I don't show emotion other than hunor, which is how I cope. The pain I'm experiencing is beyond measure, and I already suffer from OCD, and severe depression. I have so much shit on my plate and I've been having thoughts of just ending it all. I literally cannot take anymore of life. I miss my fur babies so much. We went everywhere together and I had them for 15 and 16 years. They got me through my dad's death. My mother is a narcissist who wouldn't even let me or my sisters say goodbye. He and my fur babies were the greatest things in my life, far beyond material success. 

Guys, I'm beyond broken. I don't know what to do. I already see a psychiatrist. I hate that I have no one to vent to. This is the most I have ever shown emotionally in my entire life except when I lost the aforementioned to my soon to be ex-wife. I don't know how to accept that they're gone. I can't just pack up their stuff and put it away. I hurt every single day of my life. I an man enough to admit I go to our guest bedroom to cry. 

I'm sorry for laying this out to y'all, but a fellow member directed me here. 

You got a lot of people here who care about you and are glad you're still here with us. Man you're going through some shit right now, no doubt about it. We're on this journey together and we're gonna plant our victory flag, no doubt about it.

[Matuka 1309]

I’m sorry that you are going through hard times.  I’m not a psychologist or psychiatrist and know nothing about you except from your post above and I know you love Longhorn football.

Your life has worth, sometimes it may not feel that way, but it does.

You can survive a divorce, hell it could be the best thing to happen to you, I don’t know.

Sounds like you need to get more people involved in your life that you care about and vice versa; another mate, some additional friends and a new pet.  Maybe get away, go somewhere, get some fresh air, clear your mind.

Good luck, you’ll make it through this.

[Funk Doctor Spock 12175]

7 minutes ago, HRSchenker said:

You got a lot of people here who care about you and are glad you're still here with us. Man you're going through some shit right now, no doubt about it. We're on this journey together and we're gonna plant our victory flag, no doubt about it.

Man, thank you for those words. My mind needed to hear them. I'm broken. 

I know people see my posts and think "spaz" and all that shit, but that's not the real me. I don't know how to cope so I just start writing and some of it is stupid and I know that. I'm just hurting and have been for a long time. 

Edited August 29 by Funk Doctor Spock

[Funk Doctor Spock 12175]

2 minutes ago, Matuka said:

I’m sorry that you are going through hard times.  I’m not a psychologist or psychiatrist and know nothing about you except from your post above and I know you love Longhorn football.

Your life has worth, sometimes it may not feel that way, but it does.

You can survive a divorce, hell it could be the best thing to happen to you, I don’t know.

Sounds like you need to get more people involved in your life that you care about and vice versa; another mate, some additional friends and a new pet.  Maybe get away, go somewhere, get some fresh air, clear your mind.

Good luck, you’ll make it through this.

Thank you, man. I appreciate those words. I just don't know how to deal with this tidal wave of depression and being beat down on top of dealing with OCD. 

[troph 24781]

There’s a lot there, but foremost in it all of it is you. You gotta take care of you.

and I gotta say, fuck man, life’s come at you hard and that blows donkey ass. I’m sorry, I hate this for you. 

god knows I’ve done about as much soul searching as someone can do and in the end we have to be our own gardner. Divorce is a shit ton of heavy, BUT it does get better.  Mental health can be really heavy, but you can do things to make it better. 

most folks on this thread have seen some shit. And you have too, and so there are some tried and true things you gotta do. No short cuts. 

not all of these may apply to you but I’ve kept kind of a log of what worked for me in divorce and in high stress or high difficulty life situations and so here goes…

assuming you are of a certain age, what you eat and drink really, really matter. Alcohol is your enemy. Like fuck drinking when you’re down and out all to hell, it will only try to harm you. When shit hits the fan for me I stop all alcohol consumption. To me it’s a luxury when I have the time and my head space is good.

Shit food will wreck your mental health and physical health as fast as anything, even if you will continue to have mental concerns on a perfect a diet you’ll have it much worse eating like you’re still 20. Cut out as much added sugar and processed foods as you can. Your body and mind will thank you for it.

sleep, gotta figure that out if you don’t get good sleep. It’s a must. 

exercise is an inescapable requirement of being a thriving human. if you don’t already, find something, hiking (look up the mental health benefits of walking in nature, they are astounding), a sport, something. But you have to work out.

lose some weight as best you can, even 10 lbs can make a huge difference.

get out in the sun, humans need the sun on our skin. Be in nature we are designed to be connected to the outdoor world.

For the love of god put away social media, read more books, garden, find new hobbies, fish or do bonsai trees, volunteer, anything. 

Buy some new clothes and get a nice haircut and keep getting it done. 

keep talking to your therapists and if you feel it’s stale fix it or find a new one. Find a few guys and open up to them. Find a way to build a little community around being real.

adopt or get a new couple of pups if you haven’t already, do it in memory of your life pals. Some people have to have animal companions, you sound like that kind of guy, if you haven’t done this don’t ignore it.

at some point get laid by someone other than your soon to be ex but you aren’t there yet and when you do all of the above the women will be there and you will be ready. 

look depression and OCD are not easy (I have family with them), anxiety and ADHD (raises her hand) aren’t easy either. Go easy on yourself, when you need to melt into the earth and wish you were gone do it - but do it as a tool to get back up. Tomorrow will always be a little better in these situations. 

there are no short cuts but if you tend to you, if you cultivate your own health then you will prosper even if you still have the burden of depression you will be better for your care for yourself.

for now if you need to be sad and lonely and sink it’s ok. Remember tomorrow will be a little bit better, next week too, and don’t leave us, that’s not cool. And it’s way not cool to those that know you. And it’s super unfair to your future self that could be thriving soon enough.

but after that low down feeling starts to get old, come back to this list. It’s tried and true. It works. No short cuts.

hang in there. Be kind to yourself.

Edited August 29 by troph

[Funk Doctor Spock 12175]

47 minutes ago, troph said:

There’s a lot there, but foremost in it all of it is you. You gotta take care of you.

and I gotta say, fuck man, life’s come at you hard and that blows donkey ass. I’m sorry, I hate this for you. 

god knows I’ve done about as much soul searching as someone can do and in the end we have to be our own gardner. Divorce is a shit ton of heavy, BUT it does get better.  Mental health can be really heavy, but you can do things to make it better. 

most folks on this thread have seen some shit. And you have too, and so there are some tried and true things you gotta do. No short cuts. 

not all of these may apply to you but I’ve kept kind of a log of what worked for me in divorce and in high stress or high difficulty life situations and so here goes…

assuming you are of a certain age, what you eat and drink really, really matter. Alcohol is your enemy. Like fuck drinking when you’re down and out all to hell, it will only try to harm you. When shit hits the fan for me I stop all alcohol consumption. To me it’s a luxury when I have the time and my head space is good.

Shit food will wreck your mental health and physical health as fast as anything, even if you will continue to have mental concerns on a perfect a diet you’ll have it much worse eating like you’re still 20. Cut out as much added sugar and processed foods as you can. Your body and mind will thank you for it.

sleep, gotta figure that out if you don’t get good sleep. It’s a must. 

exercise is an inescapable requirement of being a thriving human. if you don’t already, find something, hiking (look up the mental health benefits of walking in nature, they are astounding), a sport, something. But you have to work out.

lose some weight as best you can, even 10 lbs can make a huge difference.

get out in the sun, humans need the sun on our skin. Be in nature we are designed to be connected to the outdoor world.

For the love of god put away social media, read more books, garden, find new hobbies, fish or do bonsai trees, volunteer, anything. 

Buy some new clothes and get a nice haircut and keep getting it done. 

keep talking to your therapists and if you feel it’s stale fix it or find a new one. Find a few guys and open up to them. Find a way to build a little community around being real.

adopt or get a new couple of pups if you haven’t already, do it in memory of your life pals. Some people have to have animal companions, you sound like that kind of guy, if you haven’t done this don’t ignore it.

at some point get laid by someone other than your soon to be ex but you aren’t there yet and when you do all of the above the women will be there and you will be ready. 

look depression and OCD are not easy (I have family with them), anxiety and ADHD (raises her hand) aren’t easy either. Go easy on yourself, when you need to melt into the earth and wish you were gone do it - but do it as a tool to get back up. Tomorrow will always be a little better in these situations. 

there are no short cuts but if you tend to you, if you cultivate your own health then you will prosper even if you still have the burden of depression you will be better for your care for yourself.

for now if you need to be sad and lonely and sink it’s ok. Remember tomorrow will be a little bit better, next week too, and don’t leave us, that’s not cool. And it’s way not cool to those that know you. And it’s super unfair to your future self that could be thriving soon enough.

but after that low down feeling starts to get old, come back to this list. It’s tried and true. It works. No short cuts.

hang in there. Be kind to yourself.

This is some of the best advice that I needed to hear. 

I have insomnia, so sleeping is a huge issue, but I take medicine for it, but it  hit or miss. 

Today I opened a book to start reading to kind of take my mind elsewhere (The Dark Tower series, FWIW). 

I want to work out again, but finding the motivation is beyond hard at the moment. I know i can do it, but all I can think about is my wife with some cult member. It's tearing me up inside. It's consuming my every thought. 

I would love to adopt a new pup, but ours will not accept them at their stage in life. Our Pom, Ella, turns 15 in December, and she's very, very bossy, and in our circle of trust she doesn't like other pups. It took her literally 9 years to accept Nico. 

Nico, being a Labrabull, turns 12 in January, and is extremely needy. She's very sweet, but if attention is taken off of her she can get aggressive. 

Our babies that passed were Prince, a Pomchi, Tink, who was a Chihuahua, and Dominoe, who was a Labrabull and Nico's bear friend. Prince was the leader of the pack, so when he passed they were all depressed as much as me. He kept order. He was my first. My baby. My soul mate. 

I want to adopt a Chihuahua puppy, but I worry about Ella and her health. Prince passed from heart disease at 15, and Tink from kidney disease at 16. They were my true soul mate companions and we did everything together. They loved car rides and exploring. Ella is the last of our small babies, but she doesn't enjoy care rides. What I miss the most is coming home and being greeted and them talking to me telling me how much they missed me and got ready for their ride, and then we would come home and go on walks, with Prince leading the pack. It's like I cannot accept their passing. My mind won't allow it, so I cry. I need grief counseling, but I'm not even sure it would help. 

I am now watching what I eat and drink, and I stopped drinking alcohol 7 years ago. I gotta quit energy drinks now, and that's hard. 

[troph 24781]

Man that’s a lot of dogs! You need a dog ranch! 

I’m dealing with insomnia of sorts the last 7 weeks from Covid and oral steroids so I get it to a degree, insomnia is a bitch. My wife has it too, her bad nights turn into overwhelming days. I’m so sorry about that. 

I know that list is a lot in all of it is kindness, we all deserve kindness but often times we are the only ones we can rely on for that.

what your wife did was a kick to the something something. I’m sorry. Going through a betrayal is terrible. 

breathe man, one day at a time. Today may be shitty the shittiest day even but tomorrow it can be a little better and then a little better after that. Hang in there.

[cactusflinthead 27598]

8 hours ago, Funk Doctor Spock said:

how to cope so I just start writing

Keep doing it. It doesn't matter how shitty you think it is. Garbled nonsense is sometimes all that comes out because it's a fucked up mess in your head.

Write it down. Cry on the page if that's what is coming out. Holler, bitch, moan, and if hope shines a little on you put that in there too. 

Fucking refuse to allow yourself to think you know it all. Embrace the hope of maybe. 

One area that might help you with moving forward with life is to give something to someone else. I know I have cited MIA walking dogs for the shelter.  lid up there is on a mission after his misery. You can find a bazillion ways to get up out of your funk and go do something for someone else. Picking up trash will get you out of the house. 

I don't know how much of the thread you have read. But, you aren't alone. 

Feel free to rant any time you want to come by. That's what it's for. Sometimes we actually have something worth listening to. But, the door is open and there's room for more. 

 

[cactusflinthead 27598]

On 3/6/2024 at 8:42 AM, cactusflinthead said:

I watch the view count. I know someone is reading along. If I don't do much else in this lifetime starting this thread is one of my better efforts. All I did was get the ball rolling. I'll rant some, cry some, and cheer on anyone that wanders by. But, I think it's all of everyone that makes it work; lurkers that speak up, regs checking in, and the occasional uplifting story.

First baseball year without my old man. For all of his faults that's one thing that I can and will hang onto in the positive column. I'll try to remember that when we go clear out his house this weekend.

 

Edit: at present 1.7k replies, 93.1k views

55 to 1. All y'all reading along hang in there and keep going.

107.6 views at present. 

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS HAPPENING?

FOOTBALL IS BACK.

 

[troph 24781]

I missed the writing part, I was going to add writing / keeping a journal, a lot of people that's super helpful and yeah volunteer - first it takes your mind of you and second you meet people. we are a social creature, when shit gets old, stale, broken, you gotta get out there. 

in the end you are worthy of being taken care of, and the best place to start when shit is hard is yourself. keep doing what you are doing that works and find more that does and do that.

[destroya 374]

18 hours ago, Funk Doctor Spock said:

Hey guys. I have a lot going on. So let me start-

My wife just told me she's having an affair with a guy she works with (who's a member of a cult) like you tell someone you need to mow the grass. Just casually. Then she started the divorce yesterday. She is my soul mate, and I'm fucking hurting from a couple of other things. My depression has been going on since my dad passed away 4 years ago on Aug 5th. 

My best friend zoom called me to let me know he came back positive for HIV, which he got from his gf who cheated on him. I'm broken. 

I find out not too long back my female cousin has something called Huntington's, which apparently has no cure. 

I just lost 2 of my best friends/fur babies in back to back years. 

I feel alone. I don't show emotion other than hunor, which is how I cope. The pain I'm experiencing is beyond measure, and I already suffer from OCD, and severe depression. I have so much shit on my plate and I've been having thoughts of just ending it all. I literally cannot take anymore of life. I miss my fur babies so much. We went everywhere together and I had them for 15 and 16 years. They got me through my dad's death. My mother is a narcissist who wouldn't even let me or my sisters say goodbye. He and my fur babies were the greatest things in my life, far beyond material success. 

Guys, I'm beyond broken. I don't know what to do. I already see a psychiatrist. I hate that I have no one to vent to. This is the most I have ever shown emotionally in my entire life except when I lost the aforementioned to my soon to be ex-wife. I don't know how to accept that they're gone. I can't just pack up their stuff and put it away. I hurt every single day of my life. I an man enough to admit I go to our guest bedroom to cry. 

I'm sorry for laying this out to y'all, but a fellow member directed me here. 

That's a hell of a lot to go through.  Lot's of good advice.  Not sure if you do, but keeping a clean house is key.  You get a sense of accomplishment and, for me, being in a clean environment is much more relaxing than a messy one.  Also, house work is a low grade mediation for me.

[troph 24781]

7 minutes ago, destroya said:

That's a hell of a lot to go through.  Lot's of good advice.  Not sure if you do, but keeping a clean house is key.  You get a sense of accomplishment and, for me, being in a clean environment is much more relaxing than a messy one.  Also, house work is a low grade mediation for me.

We see eye to eye on this. I love washing the dishes for all of the above reasons. 

[Sandman 3403]

15 hours ago, Matuka said:

You can survive a divorce, hell it could be the best thing to happen to you, I don’t know.

Man, this is the TRUTH. When I got divorced, I thought that was it for me, that no one would ever find me desirable or want to share a life with me. WRONG. 18 months after my divorce, I married the love of my life. 15 years of wedded bliss so far. I never knew life could be this good. Sure, my life has had its issues (family health, moody teenagers) but for the most part, I can't believe my luck. I never could've lived this life I'm having now if I had stayed in my first marriage. That's not to say that everyone should cut and run when things get bad, just that you need to know that divorce doesn't mean your life will end. The sun will rise.

[Funk Doctor Spock 12175]

3 hours ago, destroya said:

That's a hell of a lot to go through.  Lot's of good advice.  Not sure if you do, but keeping a clean house is key.  You get a sense of accomplishment and, for me, being in a clean environment is much more relaxing than a messy one.  Also, house work is a low grade mediation for me.

My house is really clean, it's part of my OCD. And not that "oh, I'm a clean freak I have OCD!! HAHAHA!"  No, it's literally part of my brain. It's a blessing and a curse. I don't want to be a hoarder, but I don't want to have to go around and make sure everything is spotless, either. 

[Funk Doctor Spock 12175]

9 hours ago, cactusflinthead said:

Keep doing it. It doesn't matter how shitty you think it is. Garbled nonsense is sometimes all that comes out because it's a fucked up mess in your head.

Write it down. Cry on the page if that's what is coming out. Holler, bitch, moan, and if hope shines a little on you put that in there too. 

Fucking refuse to allow yourself to think you know it all. Embrace the hope of maybe. 

One area that might help you with moving forward with life is to give something to someone else. I know I have cited MIA walking dogs for the shelter.  lid up there is on a mission after his misery. You can find a bazillion ways to get up out of your funk and go do something for someone else. Picking up trash will get you out of the house. 

I don't know how much of the thread you have read. But, you aren't alone. 

Feel free to rant any time you want to come by. That's what it's for. Sometimes we actually have something worth listening to. But, the door is open and there's room for more. 

 

Thank you, man. Sincerely, thank you. I've been writing everything that I feel in hopes that it helps, but so far it doesn't. Only on this board has it helped because all of you. When I signed up here I never thought I would get to converse with so many great people who have given me hope. I will continue to write, and giving something away is a great idea. I already donate stuff I don't need to a lovely place that's owned by two wonderful folks. It makes me feel good. I don't do it to pat myself on the back, I do it because I hope someone enjoys it, or can wear it, or whatever. 

[Funk Doctor Spock 12175]

12 hours ago, troph said:

Man that’s a lot of dogs! You need a dog ranch! 

I’m dealing with insomnia of sorts the last 7 weeks from Covid and oral steroids so I get it to a degree, insomnia is a bitch. My wife has it too, her bad nights turn into overwhelming days. I’m so sorry about that. 

I know that list is a lot in all of it is kindness, we all deserve kindness but often times we are the only ones we can rely on for that.

what your wife did was a kick to the something something. I’m sorry. Going through a betrayal is terrible. 

breathe man, one day at a time. Today may be shitty the shittiest day even but tomorrow it can be a little better and then a little better after that. Hang in there.

I swear, I told this to my wife that if I ever won the lottery it's not going to material stuff, it's to have a ranch for animals in need. I love dogs so much. Like, I hurt when others lose theirs. They're truly the best companions. I donate food to our local shelter monthly for both cats and dogs. If I could have 100+, I wouldn't hesitate. 

I saw this cute video of this guy who has something like 25 Chihuahuas, and it's the most beautiful thing. He obviously has a lot of money. He has some that are missing their front legs, some that have brain injuries, etc. You can tell he cares so deeply for them and they love him unconditionally, too. Seeing him pull back the covers on his bed and them all jump up talking to him made my heart melt. That's what I want. 

[troph 24781]

If you can’t adopt more dogs right now but you love them that much find a way to get involved in dog related programs. Basically you have a chance to double down on you and reinvent yourself, invest in yourself. 

[Funk Doctor Spock 12175]

26 minutes ago, troph said:

If you can’t adopt more dogs right now but you love them that much find a way to get involved in dog related programs. Basically you have a chance to double down on you and reinvent yourself, invest in yourself. 

That's a great idea. Any idea on where to stsrt? I would love that very much 

[cactusflinthead 27598]

2 hours ago, Funk Doctor Spock said:

giving something away

The gift I was talking about is more like sweat equity. Go help someone else. MIA went in to an animal shelter and offered to help with walking the dogs. 

I'm going to say it again, I get as much out of this thread as anyone else. It's a tiny thing in my eyes that I stood up and started a thread. All y'all are the ones that make it work. But, I won't despise my own efforts. I don't know who all is reading along. I don't know who benefits from it. I just saw a need and was willing to go first. 

There are so many ways to go do something as a volunteer. It gets you out of the focus on yourself for a bit. And just like any other gift, the giver can get more than the receiver. 

Edited August 30 by cactusflinthead

[Funk Doctor Spock 12175]

50 minutes ago, cactusflinthead said:

The gift I was talking about is more like sweat equity. Go help someone else. MIA went in to an animal shelter and offered to help with walking the dogs. 

I'm going to say it again, I get as much out of this thread as anyone else. It's a tiny thing in my eyes that I stood up and started a thread. All y'all are the ones that make it work. But, I won't despise my own efforts. I don't know who all is reading along. I don't know who benefits from it. I just saw a need and was willing to go first. 

There are so many ways to go do something as a volunteer. It gets you out of the focus on yourself for a bit. And just like any other gift, the giver can get more than the receiver. 

What you're doing is absolutely amazing. To everyone who is able to open up to those we don't know personally is a big thing. It takes trust. A lot of it. But it also shows how others like yourself are able to show compassion to those of us who are down. And yeah, I feel you about giving. I think on Monday I will go to my local shelter and ask if I can walk and play with their pups. Fur babies, no matter how I'm feeling, make me feel like there is hope. Hope is what I need, and love is what they need. We both do. 

[tigol 2395]

Hi-I'm sharing something that has helped me a great deal.

I read this book while still drinking.  I was able to stop over a year ago and have no desire to go back.  Just throwing it out there if you're thinking about it and need a little guidance.

https://www.amazon.com/This-Naked-Mind-Discover-Happiness-ebook/dp/B077VTJC8P

[TwiceHorn 31435]

Good advice here all around.

As pointed out, getting out and making yourself of service to others can be a big help to your mental well-being.

Also, you are indeed going through a very rough period with which we can all sympathize and empathize.

Personally, but your mileage may vary, but I often find it helpful to remember (or be reminded) that everyone goes through variants of the same shit, death, divorce, depression, etc.  Most of us survive it and prosper and you will. too.  As much as I like to think I'm special, my problems tend not to be worse than anyone else's, and I am no more especially capable of dealing with them than anyone else.  This too, shall pass.

Please do not take this as minimizing your pain.  I get it.  Just offering a bit of perspective.

[cactusflinthead 27598]

I don't think it's minimizing it at all. It's the shared trauma of existence. Yeah, my tears are my own but I bet yours taste about the same. That's why y'all over at AA often send new folks right to the testaments of survivors. We might be going through the shit, but we're not alone in it.

[BearSchlong 8083]

Had lunch at Luby’s today with a guy who got clean 9 years and 2 days ago. He credits me with an intervention that saved his life - and all I did was stop by his house to check on him. I’ll never forget it - he was hiding from me and I saw this pair of crazed tweaked out eyes peer at me from the back corner of his house.

Zero heroic effort on my part. He was ready, and I happened to be the guy who showed up.

Today, he is married, beautiful wife, flourishing small business, and is father to a daughter who was born 3 weeks before he got clean. Sadly, the baby momma died about 5 years ago from addiction. But this guy has helped hundreds of men.

People have unlimited potential, and I love witnessing miracles.

[TwiceHorn 31435]

7 hours ago, cactusflinthead said:

I don't think it's minimizing it at all. It's the shared trauma of existence. Yeah, my tears are my own but I bet yours taste about the same. That's why y'all over at AA often send new folks right to the testaments of survivors. We might be going through the shit, but we're not alone in it.

Exactly what I was driving at with the third sentence.  There's something strangely comforting in knowing you're not alone in your struggles.

[TwiceHorn 31435]

Another thing I might add, all you can do is the next right thing, whatever that is.  So, all this grief and everything else threatens to overwhelm.

Just do the next thing you gotta do, whatever it is.  Don't look past it, just do it.  Then do the next one.  Take a break in between.  Rinse and repeat.

[tigol 2395]

I'll piggy back on that thought with something that helps me get through rough patches.

I tend to beat myself up over what I consider to be bad decisions made in my past.  I try to shift my thinking to, "I made the best decision I could with the information that I had at the time."  Then, put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

[TwiceHorn 31435]

29 minutes ago, tigol said:

I'll piggy back on that thought with something that helps me get through rough patches.

I tend to beat myself up over what I consider to be bad decisions made in my past.  I try to shift my thinking to, "I made the best decision I could with the information that I had at the time."  Then, put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

That, and to employ Stephen King, done bun can't be undone.

This is an adaptation of the AA old saw, "one day at a time," which can be divided into sub-units of hour, minute, second, as needed.  Whatever unit of time you need to survive without being overwhelmed with negativity.

I have also learned that it is a principle of the somewhat Buddhist mindfulness.  Be in the present, doing what is immediately in front of you, do not dwell on the past, that you cannot change, or obsess on the future, over which you have no control.

Edited September 1 by TwiceHorn

[troph 24781]

29 minutes ago, tigol said:

I'll piggy back on that thought with something that helps me get through rough patches.

I tend to beat myself up over what I consider to be bad decisions made in my past.  I try to shift my thinking to, "I made the best decision I could with the information that I had at the time."  Then, put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

Variation on a theme:  be kind to yourself.

[troph 24781]

2 minutes ago, TwiceHorn said:

That, and to employ Stephen King, done bun can't be undone.

This is an adaptation of the AA old saw, "one day at a time," which can be divided into sub-units of hour, minute, second, as needed.

I have also learned that it is a principle of the somewhat Buddhist mindfulness.  Be in the present, doing what is immediately in front of you, do not dwell on the past, that you cannot change, or obsess on the future, over which you have no control.

Immortality can only be found in the present moment. Peace can only be found in the moment. All of our dread, anxiety, worry, etc resides in the past or future. 

[Degenerate Gardner 4085]

On 8/28/2024 at 5:21 PM, Funk Doctor Spock said:

Hey guys. I have a lot going on. So let me start-

My wife just told me she's having an affair with a guy she works with (who's a member of a cult) like you tell someone you need to mow the grass. Just casually. Then she started the divorce yesterday. She is my soul mate, and I'm fucking hurting from a couple of other things. My depression has been going on since my dad passed away 4 years ago on Aug 5th. 

My best friend zoom called me to let me know he came back positive for HIV, which he got from his gf who cheated on him. I'm broken. 

I find out not too long back my female cousin has something called Huntington's, which apparently has no cure. 

I just lost 2 of my best friends/fur babies in back to back years. 

I feel alone. I don't show emotion other than hunor, which is how I cope. The pain I'm experiencing is beyond measure, and I already suffer from OCD, and severe depression. I have so much shit on my plate and I've been having thoughts of just ending it all. I literally cannot take anymore of life. I miss my fur babies so much. We went everywhere together and I had them for 15 and 16 years. They got me through my dad's death. My mother is a narcissist who wouldn't even let me or my sisters say goodbye. He and my fur babies were the greatest things in my life, far beyond material success. 

Guys, I'm beyond broken. I don't know what to do. I already see a psychiatrist. I hate that I have no one to vent to. This is the most I have ever shown emotionally in my entire life except when I lost the aforementioned to my soon to be ex-wife. I don't know how to accept that they're gone. I can't just pack up their stuff and put it away. I hurt every single day of my life. I an man enough to admit I go to our guest bedroom to cry. 

I'm sorry for laying this out to y'all, but a fellow member directed me here. 

I’m grateful for you honoring us by laying it out. Reaching out can be extremely hard, especially when all you think you have to share is despair, pain, and the comforting visions of your own demise.

I’ve known periods of great loss that took me to dark places too and was fortunate to survive them despite my own best efforts. Know that you actually have an infinite supply of people to talk to here rather than none. I for one will do whatever I can to help you, friend. Keep reaching out.

[Funk Doctor Spock 12175]

20 minutes ago, Degenerate Gardner said:

I’m grateful for you honoring us by laying it out. Reaching out can be extremely hard, especially when all you think you have to share is despair, pain, and the comforting visions of your own demise.

I’ve known periods of great loss that took me to dark places too and was fortunate to survive them despite my own best efforts. Know that you actually have an infinite supply of people to talk to here rather than none. I for one will do whatever I can to help you, friend. Keep reaching out.

Thank you so much for the kind words. This is why I love this place. It's more than sports. It's almost like a family, truly. Football took my mind off despair for a little bit, but I still have all this stuff lingering in the back of my head. My wife just casually walks around like she didn't just ruin my life. This isn't her. This isn't my wife I've known for almost 20 years before we were dating and married. She was sweet, humble, amazing. Now she's cold and I feel like a leper. Losing everything in 4 years has just taken its toll on me. I'm so grateful that I can spill my guts to all of you and I get words of encouragement. 

[ROFL BOX 6647]