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Depression, OCD, and whatever else ails you between the ears


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I am sitting on the beach this morning and reflecting on life and how I’ve wound up where I am at. I think about the travels around the country I have had over the last 10 plus years and how I have changed and how much more I have yet to learn in the years ahead where I will leave the US behind for pastures that are not greener, yet are places I know I belong at. There have been moments that I felt lower than low and thought it could not possibly be any worse. I put my own happiness in the hands of others instead of finding contentment with myself and that it was okay if a relationship did not work out. It was okay if I failed at that part of the life experience.

I read what y’all post about the traumatic events from your own lives and part of me wants to think how could this happen to a person that doesn’t deserve to feel this broken? Another part of me feels that y’all are being given a similar opportunity to the one I had when I felt nothing but despair and hopelessness. You have the opportunity to get up for another day and make yourself into a better version of yourself. It’s a gift we get each day. You don’t have to be religious to think of it like that. We have this infinitesimally small time to be here. I went to see Neil deGrasse Tyson back in February at the AMNH when he brought in five of the world’s leading astrophysicists. One of them currently works for UT. They talked about their disagreement over the age of the universe being either 13.6 or 13.7 billion years old. These absolutely brilliant people quibbled over a 100 million years or so. It was beautiful to watch. 
 

The point in mentioning that is that we are here for such a brief time and then we are gone. Do something good for someone today. Make it a habit and be that person that people want around because of how kind you are. Do what you can, while you can before you can’t. I keep that thought with me all through the day. Find joy in the small moments. Find happiness in watching a child’s eyes light up when they see something that is new and exciting to them. Stop and talk to someone that looks like they need a friend. Doing those things will invariably help you get through the day. We all have so much stress upon us for varying reasons and sometimes we just need to take stock of the good things life has for us even in those dark moments some of you are currently experiencing. IMG_0982.thumb.jpeg.02214784014bcd45078d55296b75c6b8.jpeg

 

 

Edited by UpperWestside
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On 8/30/2024 at 12:22 PM, TwiceHorn said:

Personally, but your mileage may vary, but I often find it helpful to remember (or be reminded) that everyone goes through variants of the same shit, death, divorce, depression, etc.  Most of us survive it and prosper and you will. too. 

Damn, man, I know it is true but this is still some bullshit. She took part of me with her when she died and it’s not coming back. She left part of her here, too, which is going to be the only thing that might eventually get me past this. It’s dark AF but there may have been some times when “suicide doesn’t stop the pain, it only transfers it” might have kept it from getting even darker.

I went to her nephew’s birthday party over the weekend. Her brother introduces me as his brother-in-law even though I couldn’t marry her because of the circumstances. Her nephew made a speech thanking everyone and mentioned that this is his first birthday ever without his tía and the whole damned room looks at me.

Anyway, after a couple of beers my BIL tells me, “I just want to tell you something that stays between us. [Wife’s name] and I love each other a lot, but we don’t have what y’all had. I had never seen her as happy as she was with you. She didn’t even have to say anything. The vibe she had told me she was exactly where she wanted to be in life. If I had three wishes, they’d be that my sister was healthy, that y’all met when she was younger and could get married and have kids, and that [name] and I had what y’all had.”

Fuuuuuuuck. How can something make me feel so shitty and so lucky at the same time?

Anyway, her birthday is next month. I’m still struggling like a MF with this, but I’m trying to get out and do more. I’m even considering looking for an OU ticket. It would be my first time around a lot of people who aren’t family and watching those crimson fucks leave early would be a good step toward normality. 

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Sometimes, the "advice" from those who have not suffered similar tragedies can be a bit much to bear.

When my daughter was taken by anorexia, I dedicated whatever years I have left to improve a very fucked up mental health community and field. And yet still, there are the Militant Fat Activists/Social Justice Warriors who place their own angst and self-loathing over the needs of those suffering. So many feckless, so called leaders in the field keep letting in those toxic elements. It is maddening.

And then ... the line that shall never be crossed was crossed.  You never blame a parent for the medical care your child received or their death. And yet, finally... that happened and was directed at me. One of the lead Fat Activists had this up on her social media wall.

Instead of going immediately nuclear, I devised a plan. As in, contacting not just every organization in which she is involved, but their board of directors and investors advising them that this is the type of subhuman, wretched, dark soul with whom they collaborate. It will be done thoroughly and methodically.

This past weekend, I had to be around the SO's siblings.  One of her siblings said, "Steve, this seems like it is consuming you.  When you around toxic people, it rubs off on you."

A million snarky comments came immediately to mind. Instead, I just smiled and said, "Thank you for your advice. You will always be a trusted advisor."

Stupid fucking bitch.

And so gentlemen, on behalf of my daughter, on behalf of all those who have died from eating disorders, once more, burying charlatans and cretins is necessary. No mercy will be given.

And it kills me that this is still necessary. 

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On 9/16/2024 at 12:41 PM, Doc Daneeka said:

Damn, man, I know it is true but this is still some bullshit. She took part of me with her when she died and it’s not coming back. She left part of her here, too, which is going to be the only thing that might eventually get me past this. It’s dark AF but there may have been some times when “suicide doesn’t stop the pain, it only transfers it” might have kept it from getting even darker.

I went to her nephew’s birthday party over the weekend. Her brother introduces me as his brother-in-law even though I couldn’t marry her because of the circumstances. Her nephew made a speech thanking everyone and mentioned that this is his first birthday ever without his tía and the whole damned room looks at me.

Anyway, after a couple of beers my BIL tells me, “I just want to tell you something that stays between us. [Wife’s name] and I love each other a lot, but we don’t have what y’all had. I had never seen her as happy as she was with you. She didn’t even have to say anything. The vibe she had told me she was exactly where she wanted to be in life. If I had three wishes, they’d be that my sister was healthy, that y’all met when she was younger and could get married and have kids, and that [name] and I had what y’all had.”

Fuuuuuuuck. How can something make me feel so shitty and so lucky at the same time?

Anyway, her birthday is next month. I’m still struggling like a MF with this, but I’m trying to get out and do more. I’m even considering looking for an OU ticket. It would be my first time around a lot of people who aren’t family and watching those crimson fucks leave early would be a good step toward normality. 

I have a married couple I work with and the wife just lost her father. His illness was quick and he passed in less than a month. Her father was her best friend. The husband also lost a relative right around the same time. I mentioned to him that they are probably getting a lot of advice right now from people that is well meaning. He said they were getting a whole bunch of that. I told him I have no advice to offer because your situation is unique to you and your wife. Grieve for as long as YOU want to in whatever way you want to. If other people cannot understand that, well, that’s their own problem. 
 

The same goes for you. This is unique to you and you can grieve for whatever amount of time you want because this was a relationship  between only her and yourself. There is no one size fits all way to deal with death.

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Nasty migraine cranked up on me today around 1400.
Thankfully my customer was only around 12 minutes away from home, however I did have to pull over 3× to prevent a mess in the truck.
 
Felt like I was taking an ice pick to the L orbit
 
& Then, my Mom called me 2× to see how I was doing (I was gonna pick her up for a late lunch) & 1× to ask if the electricity was off (we are both on Pedernales Co-Op).


Dinner now, @ midnight, & then back to bed.  Eyeball pressure is maybe ⅓ of peak pain.

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I only recall 1× as a kid ever having a memorable birthday.

12 years old, went to "the largest McDonald's in the world" & as you recall back in the "Ripley's Believe it or Not" days, anything that was billed as the "most ever" was a big thing, especially. to a 12 year old.

It was a total of 4 kids - single Mom, broke, & we then went to see Star Wars (ep IV, A New Hope) in the theaternext door.  That's the ONE TIME I felt like a birthday was awesome & was the classic "your day" situation.

I still don't know how to accept birthdays because I haven't had any "over the top / you're special" events since that Star Wars" deal in '78.

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1 hour ago, Bozo_Casanova said:

Got a time machine? Otherwise no, but thank you for asking, seriously.  
I just don’t like my birthday.

As a middle-aged adult birthdays kind of suck.  Maybe use the day as an excuse to take a break from whatever your routine might be. 

Go watch a matinee like Don Draper or swim laps at Deep Eddy (I have NEVER not felt emotionally recharged after swimming laps there and then warming myself in the sun).  Eat a snow cone, look for something weird at the book store or go walk around campus, explore a nook that might have changed or spend a little time in the Blanton.  Make yourself smile and give a big "good afternoon" or "hi!" to everyone you see (most people will be a little puzzled but they'll return the greeting AND be a bit lighter for it). 

If you have work commitments call in sick, which is usually a good reminder that the world still turns even if we check out for a day. 

Of course, if all of that is in your routine already then do something else entirely 😉

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@LCHorn This is good advice thank you. Esp going to the movies. I already do a lot of the other stuff. 

Worth mentioning I’ve been to two conferences in two weeks and I’m burnt out, toxic from too many drinks and heavy meals and haven’t been able to lift weights. 

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So my brother is probably schizoaffective. He is an adult, recently (end of last year) moved in with my mom. But I needed to move her into assisted living (cognitive decline). She needed more care, and frankly she was tired of him being around. He rants, as such people do. Sometimes I had to threaten to call the cops, one time I actually did.

She has money, he has none. He would like to stay with her and be her caretaker. I wish that was possible but frankly it is not. Recently he said terrible things about my wife and child, such that I am tempted to say he's burned his last bridge. But I am also my mothers keeper, and I assume she has some compassion. She wanted to boot him from her house months ago, but always let him back in. 

When I kick him out of her house (I have power of attorney, eventually the house musy be sold), he will almost certainly end up homeless. Mom has money, but not an infinite amount.

My idea is to give him her car (2019 outback with 20k miles, back folds flat) and maybe $800 or $1000/mo for spending money. More generously I could buy him a cheap condo (San Antonio, El Paso, Houston) and keep a roof over his head. But I've been asking him about that for 8 months and he never acknowledges the option. 

What would you do? 

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20 minutes ago, CleverNickname said:

So my brother is probably schizoaffective. He is an adult, recently (end of last year) moved in with my mom. But I needed to move her into assisted living (cognitive decline). She needed more care, and frankly she was tired of him being around. He rants, as such people do. Sometimes I had to threaten to call the cops, one time I actually did.

She has money, he has none. He would like to stay with her and be her caretaker. I wish that was possible but frankly it is not. Recently he said terrible things about my wife and child, such that I am tempted to say he's burned his last bridge. But I am also my mothers keeper, and I assume she has some compassion. She wanted to boot him from her house months ago, but always let him back in. 

When I kick him out of her house (I have power of attorney, eventually the house musy be sold), he will almost certainly end up homeless. Mom has money, but not an infinite amount.

My idea is to give him her car (2019 outback with 20k miles, back folds flat) and maybe $800 or $1000/mo for spending money. More generously I could buy him a cheap condo (San Antonio, El Paso, Houston) and keep a roof over his head. But I've been asking him about that for 8 months and he never acknowledges the option. 

What would you do? 

Would he be stabilized by medication if he took it?

In that sense, he's a lot like an addict:  he chooses to maintain his condition, if that in fact applies.

It's incredibly difficult to do, but cutting him off and stopping enabling him may be the only real recourse.  Hook him up with homeless resources that can help him get stable on medication and find rudimentary or better housing, but only if he accepts "the deal" is a way to present him with a viable option for living safely.

If medication doesn't help, then what you propose seems rational.

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