Depression, OCD, and whatever else ails you between the ears

[UpperWestside 6139]

I am sitting on the beach this morning and reflecting on life and how I’ve wound up where I am at. I think about the travels around the country I have had over the last 10 plus years and how I have changed and how much more I have yet to learn in the years ahead where I will leave the US behind for pastures that are not greener, yet are places I know I belong at. There have been moments that I felt lower than low and thought it could not possibly be any worse. I put my own happiness in the hands of others instead of finding contentment with myself and that it was okay if a relationship did not work out. It was okay if I failed at that part of the life experience.

I read what y’all post about the traumatic events from your own lives and part of me wants to think how could this happen to a person that doesn’t deserve to feel this broken? Another part of me feels that y’all are being given a similar opportunity to the one I had when I felt nothing but despair and hopelessness. You have the opportunity to get up for another day and make yourself into a better version of yourself. It’s a gift we get each day. You don’t have to be religious to think of it like that. We have this infinitesimally small time to be here. I went to see Neil deGrasse Tyson back in February at the AMNH when he brought in five of the world’s leading astrophysicists. One of them currently works for UT. They talked about their disagreement over the age of the universe being either 13.6 or 13.7 billion years old. These absolutely brilliant people quibbled over a 100 million years or so. It was beautiful to watch. 
 

The point in mentioning that is that we are here for such a brief time and then we are gone. Do something good for someone today. Make it a habit and be that person that people want around because of how kind you are. Do what you can, while you can before you can’t. I keep that thought with me all through the day. Find joy in the small moments. Find happiness in watching a child’s eyes light up when they see something that is new and exciting to them. Stop and talk to someone that looks like they need a friend. Doing those things will invariably help you get through the day. We all have so much stress upon us for varying reasons and sometimes we just need to take stock of the good things life has for us even in those dark moments some of you are currently experiencing. 

 

 

Edited September 12 by UpperWestside

[Doc Daneeka 6769]

On 8/30/2024 at 12:22 PM, TwiceHorn said:

Personally, but your mileage may vary, but I often find it helpful to remember (or be reminded) that everyone goes through variants of the same shit, death, divorce, depression, etc.  Most of us survive it and prosper and you will. too. 

Damn, man, I know it is true but this is still some bullshit. She took part of me with her when she died and it’s not coming back. She left part of her here, too, which is going to be the only thing that might eventually get me past this. It’s dark AF but there may have been some times when “suicide doesn’t stop the pain, it only transfers it” might have kept it from getting even darker.

I went to her nephew’s birthday party over the weekend. Her brother introduces me as his brother-in-law even though I couldn’t marry her because of the circumstances. Her nephew made a speech thanking everyone and mentioned that this is his first birthday ever without his tía and the whole damned room looks at me.

Anyway, after a couple of beers my BIL tells me, “I just want to tell you something that stays between us. [Wife’s name] and I love each other a lot, but we don’t have what y’all had. I had never seen her as happy as she was with you. She didn’t even have to say anything. The vibe she had told me she was exactly where she wanted to be in life. If I had three wishes, they’d be that my sister was healthy, that y’all met when she was younger and could get married and have kids, and that [name] and I had what y’all had.”

Fuuuuuuuck. How can something make me feel so shitty and so lucky at the same time?

Anyway, her birthday is next month. I’m still struggling like a MF with this, but I’m trying to get out and do more. I’m even considering looking for an OU ticket. It would be my first time around a lot of people who aren’t family and watching those crimson fucks leave early would be a good step toward normality. 

[Lidig8r 1863]

Sometimes, the "advice" from those who have not suffered similar tragedies can be a bit much to bear.

When my daughter was taken by anorexia, I dedicated whatever years I have left to improve a very fucked up mental health community and field. And yet still, there are the Militant Fat Activists/Social Justice Warriors who place their own angst and self-loathing over the needs of those suffering. So many feckless, so called leaders in the field keep letting in those toxic elements. It is maddening.

And then ... the line that shall never be crossed was crossed.  You never blame a parent for the medical care your child received or their death. And yet, finally... that happened and was directed at me. One of the lead Fat Activists had this up on her social media wall.

Instead of going immediately nuclear, I devised a plan. As in, contacting not just every organization in which she is involved, but their board of directors and investors advising them that this is the type of subhuman, wretched, dark soul with whom they collaborate. It will be done thoroughly and methodically.

This past weekend, I had to be around the SO's siblings.  One of her siblings said, "Steve, this seems like it is consuming you.  When you around toxic people, it rubs off on you."

A million snarky comments came immediately to mind. Instead, I just smiled and said, "Thank you for your advice. You will always be a trusted advisor."

Stupid fucking bitch.

And so gentlemen, on behalf of my daughter, on behalf of all those who have died from eating disorders, once more, burying charlatans and cretins is necessary. No mercy will be given.

And it kills me that this is still necessary. 

[UpperWestside 6139]

On 9/16/2024 at 12:41 PM, Doc Daneeka said:

Damn, man, I know it is true but this is still some bullshit. She took part of me with her when she died and it’s not coming back. She left part of her here, too, which is going to be the only thing that might eventually get me past this. It’s dark AF but there may have been some times when “suicide doesn’t stop the pain, it only transfers it” might have kept it from getting even darker.

I went to her nephew’s birthday party over the weekend. Her brother introduces me as his brother-in-law even though I couldn’t marry her because of the circumstances. Her nephew made a speech thanking everyone and mentioned that this is his first birthday ever without his tía and the whole damned room looks at me.

Anyway, after a couple of beers my BIL tells me, “I just want to tell you something that stays between us. [Wife’s name] and I love each other a lot, but we don’t have what y’all had. I had never seen her as happy as she was with you. She didn’t even have to say anything. The vibe she had told me she was exactly where she wanted to be in life. If I had three wishes, they’d be that my sister was healthy, that y’all met when she was younger and could get married and have kids, and that [name] and I had what y’all had.”

Fuuuuuuuck. How can something make me feel so shitty and so lucky at the same time?

Anyway, her birthday is next month. I’m still struggling like a MF with this, but I’m trying to get out and do more. I’m even considering looking for an OU ticket. It would be my first time around a lot of people who aren’t family and watching those crimson fucks leave early would be a good step toward normality. 

I have a married couple I work with and the wife just lost her father. His illness was quick and he passed in less than a month. Her father was her best friend. The husband also lost a relative right around the same time. I mentioned to him that they are probably getting a lot of advice right now from people that is well meaning. He said they were getting a whole bunch of that. I told him I have no advice to offer because your situation is unique to you and your wife. Grieve for as long as YOU want to in whatever way you want to. If other people cannot understand that, well, that’s their own problem. 
 

The same goes for you. This is unique to you and you can grieve for whatever amount of time you want because this was a relationship  between only her and yourself. There is no one size fits all way to deal with death.

[Bozo_Casanova 26364]

Tomorrow is my 51st birthday and I am really sad, mainly for dumb reasons.

[ROFL BOX 6647]

Nasty migraine cranked up on me today around 1400.
Thankfully my customer was only around 12 minutes away from home, however I did have to pull over 3× to prevent a mess in the truck.
 
Felt like I was taking an ice pick to the L orbit
 
& Then, my Mom called me 2× to see how I was doing (I was gonna pick her up for a late lunch) & 1× to ask if the electricity was off (we are both on Pedernales Co-Op).


Dinner now, @ midnight, & then back to bed.  Eyeball pressure is maybe ⅓ of peak pain.

[Kennythetiger 9356]

10 hours ago, Bozo_Casanova said:

Tomorrow is my 51st birthday and I am really sad, mainly for dumb reasons.

Happy birthday, man. Is there anything we can do to help you?  

[Bozo_Casanova 26364]

2 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

Happy birthday, man. Is there anything we can do to help you?  

Got a time machine? Otherwise no, but thank you for asking, seriously.  
I just don’t like my birthday.

Edited September 19 by Bozo_Casanova

[ROFL BOX 6647]

I only recall 1× as a kid ever having a memorable birthday.

12 years old, went to "the largest McDonald's in the world" & as you recall back in the "Ripley's Believe it or Not" days, anything that was billed as the "most ever" was a big thing, especially. to a 12 year old.

It was a total of 4 kids - single Mom, broke, & we then went to see Star Wars (ep IV, A New Hope) in the theaternext door.  That's the ONE TIME I felt like a birthday was awesome & was the classic "your day" situation.

I still don't know how to accept birthdays because I haven't had any "over the top / you're special" events since that Star Wars" deal in '78.

[LCHorn 2589]

1 hour ago, Bozo_Casanova said:

Got a time machine? Otherwise no, but thank you for asking, seriously.  
I just don’t like my birthday.

As a middle-aged adult birthdays kind of suck.  Maybe use the day as an excuse to take a break from whatever your routine might be. 

Go watch a matinee like Don Draper or swim laps at Deep Eddy (I have NEVER not felt emotionally recharged after swimming laps there and then warming myself in the sun).  Eat a snow cone, look for something weird at the book store or go walk around campus, explore a nook that might have changed or spend a little time in the Blanton.  Make yourself smile and give a big "good afternoon" or "hi!" to everyone you see (most people will be a little puzzled but they'll return the greeting AND be a bit lighter for it). 

If you have work commitments call in sick, which is usually a good reminder that the world still turns even if we check out for a day. 

Of course, if all of that is in your routine already then do something else entirely 😉

[Bozo_Casanova 26364]

@LCHorn This is good advice thank you. Esp going to the movies. I already do a lot of the other stuff. 

Worth mentioning I’ve been to two conferences in two weeks and I’m burnt out, toxic from too many drinks and heavy meals and haven’t been able to lift weights. 

Edited September 19 by Bozo_Casanova

[CleverNickname 1297]

So my brother is probably schizoaffective. He is an adult, recently (end of last year) moved in with my mom. But I needed to move her into assisted living (cognitive decline). She needed more care, and frankly she was tired of him being around. He rants, as such people do. Sometimes I had to threaten to call the cops, one time I actually did.

She has money, he has none. He would like to stay with her and be her caretaker. I wish that was possible but frankly it is not. Recently he said terrible things about my wife and child, such that I am tempted to say he's burned his last bridge. But I am also my mothers keeper, and I assume she has some compassion. She wanted to boot him from her house months ago, but always let him back in. 

When I kick him out of her house (I have power of attorney, eventually the house musy be sold), he will almost certainly end up homeless. Mom has money, but not an infinite amount.

My idea is to give him her car (2019 outback with 20k miles, back folds flat) and maybe $800 or $1000/mo for spending money. More generously I could buy him a cheap condo (San Antonio, El Paso, Houston) and keep a roof over his head. But I've been asking him about that for 8 months and he never acknowledges the option. 

What would you do? 

[TwiceHorn 31349]

20 minutes ago, CleverNickname said:

So my brother is probably schizoaffective. He is an adult, recently (end of last year) moved in with my mom. But I needed to move her into assisted living (cognitive decline). She needed more care, and frankly she was tired of him being around. He rants, as such people do. Sometimes I had to threaten to call the cops, one time I actually did.

She has money, he has none. He would like to stay with her and be her caretaker. I wish that was possible but frankly it is not. Recently he said terrible things about my wife and child, such that I am tempted to say he's burned his last bridge. But I am also my mothers keeper, and I assume she has some compassion. She wanted to boot him from her house months ago, but always let him back in. 

When I kick him out of her house (I have power of attorney, eventually the house musy be sold), he will almost certainly end up homeless. Mom has money, but not an infinite amount.

My idea is to give him her car (2019 outback with 20k miles, back folds flat) and maybe $800 or $1000/mo for spending money. More generously I could buy him a cheap condo (San Antonio, El Paso, Houston) and keep a roof over his head. But I've been asking him about that for 8 months and he never acknowledges the option. 

What would you do? 

Would he be stabilized by medication if he took it?

In that sense, he's a lot like an addict:  he chooses to maintain his condition, if that in fact applies.

It's incredibly difficult to do, but cutting him off and stopping enabling him may be the only real recourse.  Hook him up with homeless resources that can help him get stable on medication and find rudimentary or better housing, but only if he accepts "the deal" is a way to present him with a viable option for living safely.

If medication doesn't help, then what you propose seems rational.

Edited September 19 by TwiceHorn

[CleverNickname 1297]

He denies he has any mental illness at all, and has never been diagnosed. I contact CFV, as I could sponsor his rent, but they want 3 years documented homelessness and technically he is not yet homeless. 

[Kennythetiger 9356]

19 hours ago, Bozo_Casanova said:

@LCHorn This is good advice thank you. Esp going to the movies. I already do a lot of the other stuff. 

Worth mentioning I’ve been to two conferences in two weeks and I’m burnt out, toxic from too many drinks and heavy meals and haven’t been able to lift weights. 

Man, I hear you. I travel a lot for work. Gas station meals are my kryptonite. That pizza looks so damn good, quick, and efficient. But then I feel like shit, and I end up craving even more grease. 

[ROFL BOX 6647]

[ROFL BOX 6647]

[Jiggy-Z 3432]

Need a good rec for testosterone check and gp.

I haven't been to the Dr. In years and the last couple I have been just a lump.

I stoll work out amd ride my bike, but I am reaping the consequences of sloth.

The wife is probably going to divorce me over cumulative marriage issues that I just didn't address.

Ive been to Total Mens, but not sure if that is any good.

Life is very stressful right now and I cant sleep and it is affecting my judgement, so any otc sleep stuff recommendations would be great too.

[Snake Diggity 4614]

4 hours ago, Jiggy-Z said:

Need a good rec for testosterone check and gp.

I haven't been to the Dr. In years and the last couple I have been just a lump.

I stoll work out amd ride my bike, but I am reaping the consequences of sloth.

The wife is probably going to divorce me over cumulative marriage issues that I just didn't address.

Ive been to Total Mens, but not sure if that is any good.

Life is very stressful right now and I cant sleep and it is affecting my judgement, so any otc sleep stuff recommendations would be great too.

Caveat: Purely anecdotal.  I’ve tried just about every prescription and supplement known to man, mostly in an effort to tame depression and sleep issues.  These are the only things I’ve tried that have consistently worked for me:

Tart cherry juice has helped me sleep.  Ambien fucked me up.  If I’m desperate for sleep I take one children’s Benadryl, but it’s only good very infrequently.

Fish oil has helped my overall health (take in the AM with food, it can cause regurgitation).

You’ve probably heard all this already, but just general advice for folks experiencing sleep loss and/or depression:

Above all, diet, outdoor exercise, and sleep routine have been the most influential things I’ve changed to help myself.

Exercise outside every single day (weather permitting), at least 30 minutes, early in the day if possible.

Avoid sugar and alcohol.  Eat more leafy greens, fish, and whole fruit.  Superfoods that I feel have improved my mental health: spinach, blueberries, flax seeds, salmon

Block out 10 (yes, 10) hours of time for sleep each night.  Spend those 10 hours in a cool, quiet, dark room in a comfortable bed with a comfortable pillow.  Don’t drink anything starting 2 hours before bedtime.  No caffeine after 3pm.

Spend time (even if it’s just a few seconds) every day mentally listing good things in your life.

Good luck.

[troph 24668]

The gut-mood connection cannot be overstated. Doesn’t mean some need extra help, but if you are struggling emotionally you have to get your gut microbiome right. It was fringe science 15 years ago, now it’s irrefutable truth. 

Exercise is a close second. 

sleep makes it all stick together but if sleep is the issue you gotta figure out a way through it - and I’m not speaking from a mountaintop here I’m trying to emerge from a fucking health shitstorm that has greatly impacted my sleep. 

 

[Anastasis 23404]

4 minutes ago, troph said:

The gut-mood connection cannot be overstated. Doesn’t mean some need extra help, but if you are struggling emotionally you have to get your gut microbiome right. It was fringe science 15 years ago, now it’s irrefutable truth. 

Exercise is a close second. 

sleep makes it all stick together but if sleep is the issue you gotta figure out a way through it - and I’m not speaking from a mountaintop here I’m trying to emerge from a fucking health shitstorm that has greatly impacted my sleep. 

 

100%, but I would put exercise at number one. 

[Snake Diggity 4614]

12 minutes ago, troph said:

The gut-mood connection cannot be overstated. Doesn’t mean some need extra help, but if you are struggling emotionally you have to get your gut microbiome right. It was fringe science 15 years ago, now it’s irrefutable truth. 

Exercise is a close second. 

sleep makes it all stick together but if sleep is the issue you gotta figure out a way through it - and I’m not speaking from a mountaintop here I’m trying to emerge from a fucking health shitstorm that has greatly impacted my sleep. 

 

 

6 minutes ago, Anastasis said:

100%, but I would put exercise at number one. 

My personal experience (and what little science I’ve read), there is no ranking.  You’ve got to have all 3 (diet, exercise, sleep).  If I have ever stopped prioritizing any one of them, they all 3 fall apart.  You can lose track of other very important things (gratitude, sunlight, human interaction, a sense of purpose) and still potentially be ok, but if you’re not eating right, exercising enough, or sleeping enough, you’re fucked no matter what.

[0xdeadbeef 1628]

6 hours ago, Jiggy-Z said:

Need a good rec for testosterone check and gp.

I haven't been to the Dr. In years and the last couple I have been just a lump.

I stoll work out amd ride my bike, but I am reaping the consequences of sloth.

The wife is probably going to divorce me over cumulative marriage issues that I just didn't address.

Ive been to Total Mens, but not sure if that is any good.

Life is very stressful right now and I cant sleep and it is affecting my judgement, so any otc sleep stuff recommendations would be great too.

Not sure how old you are, but I've been on TRT for about 4 years (I'm 58), and it was absolutely the right decision for me.      I would recommend going to a normal urologist not one of the modern 'mens clinics'. If you actually need testosterone, they'll prescribe it.  I use Urology Austin and have nothing but good feedback.  They have a bunch of offices in the area.   

Testosterone by itself isn't going to make you Jacked or lose weight, and it DOES NOT give you willpower of motivation.  But if if your T has actually fallen off from where it was in years past, taking T will help your energy levels, your recovery, your interest in sex, your sexual performance and if you do put work in, it will help in muscle growth. You can't exercise your way out of a bad diet, but in my case TRT was just the little extra boost I needed to get some momentum going to get back in shape. TRT helps, but you have to do the work. 

 

There really isn't a lot of good options for OTC sleep aids that you can use repeatedly. Benadryl is my go to for a one-off,  some people have luck with Melatonin, and there are a host of other OTC sleep aids.  None of them really work well.

Your best bet is google "how to sleep better" and follow some of the advice. i.e.  Lower your stress, get some exercise, eat healthy, stay away from screens before bedtime, stay on a regular schedule, etc.  

Prescription Sleep medication, on the other hand, is just bad news. Ambien and related drugs F#$% people up.  Google "Ambien memory loss stories"      to see how it screws people up.

 

 

Edited September 24 by 0xdeadbeef

[troph 24668]

1 hour ago, Snake Diggity said:

 

My personal experience (and what little science I’ve read), there is no ranking.  You’ve got to have all 3 (diet, exercise, sleep).  If I have ever stopped prioritizing any one of them, they all 3 fall apart.  You can lose track of other very important things (gratitude, sunlight, human interaction, a sense of purpose) and still potentially be ok, but if you’re not eating right, exercising enough, or sleeping enough, you’re fucked no matter what.

I agree. But I’d put diet a tad bit higher than exercise. As someone who has been on what’s probably the perfect nutrition plan the last almost 90 days by choice but for serious health care reasons, I can tell you proper nutrition on a cell by cell basis will save your life.  And to be clear I still was taking walks, riding the stationary bike and even hitting tennis balls when I could. 

Edited September 24 by troph

[troph 24668]

Btw on sleep aids I’ve tried them all the last 90 days with severe insomnia none are great for long term. Xanax was the best and fuck that shit long term.  Benadryl is ok, tolerance starts building within a few days. Hydroxyzine is also used (another H1 like Benadryl) and it has some mild anti-anxiety properties and at least I build tolerance to it. It’s meh and both it and Benadryl as H1s have a connection to dementia but not a causal link. So they are also not great. I’ve taken Sonata it’s just a little more drowsy inducing but it’s just ok imo.  That and ambien though are not long term options if you can avoid it. Trazodone will knock you out but it takes time to work and it’s a sledgehammer I hear.  High quality hemp oil (no THC) at 50mg or higher (I’ve taken 150 mg) can do the trick some too - I’ve found it the smoothest for me. But I’ve bounced around all of those I have at my disposal the last 90 days. Sleep problems are a really tough nut to crack.  

cool, low light place to read, drink hot herbal tea, listen to white noise or soft music even if it’s for an hour before you try to nod off is about the best way after a day of healthy eating, exercise and no alcohol. 

it sucks but we are getting to an age where our bodies just won’t let us mail it in, it takes a lot of work. 

Edited September 24 by troph

[Kennythetiger 9356]

8 hours ago, troph said:

Btw on sleep aids I’ve tried them all the last 90 days with severe insomnia none are great for long term. Xanax was the best and fuck that shit long term.  Benadryl is ok, tolerance starts building within a few days. Hydroxyzine is also used (another H1 like Benadryl) and it has some mild anti-anxiety properties and at least I build tolerance to it. It’s meh and both it and Benadryl as H1s have a connection to dementia but not a causal link. So they are also not great. I’ve taken Sonata it’s just a little more drowsy inducing but it’s just ok imo.  That and ambien though are not long term options if you can avoid it. Trazodone will knock you out but it takes time to work and it’s a sledgehammer I hear.  High quality hemp oil (no THC) at 50mg or higher (I’ve taken 150 mg) can do the trick some too - I’ve found it the smoothest for me. But I’ve bounced around all of those I have at my disposal the last 90 days. Sleep problems are a really tough nut to crack.  

cool, low light place to read, drink hot herbal tea, listen to white noise or soft music even if it’s for an hour before you try to nod off is about the best way after a day of healthy eating, exercise and no alcohol. 

it sucks but we are getting to an age where our bodies just won’t let us mail it in, it takes a lot of work. 

I went through some awful shit in early 2020 and was sleeping from midnight to about 3:00 a.m. every night. I ended up with a weighted blanket, and LOVED it. Heavy fucker- I think it was a 20 or 25 pounder. The insides broke open about the same time that I stopped needing it, but it definitely served a purpose. 
I also use an app on my phone called “Calm” and listen to sleep stories. 

[cactusflinthead 27596]

18 hours ago, Jiggy-Z said:

Need a good rec for testosterone check and gp.

I haven't been to the Dr. In years and the last couple I have been just a lump.

I stoll work out amd ride my bike, but I am reaping the consequences of sloth.

The wife is probably going to divorce me over cumulative marriage issues that I just didn't address.

Ive been to Total Mens, but not sure if that is any good.

Life is very stressful right now and I cant sleep and it is affecting my judgement, so any otc sleep stuff recommendations would be great too.

Some of the folks on this thread might not now about the other one. 

You're wound up thinking about nineteen bazillion things. Hard drugs will put you to sleep but they won't quiet the hollering in your head. 

Share as much as you want about the other thread or whatever you want to do. 

If you haven't seen a doctor in recent memory definitely go. That's one less worry on your plate. You're going to have to get down to doing the next step. Liable to be really fuzzy looking at the long term. Concentrate on doing the next right thing you know to do. 

Then let it go. You did what you had to do today. Let tomorrow worry about itself and deal with it then. Ruminating on stuff you can't do anything about will drill you right into the dirt. 

It's up to you. 

[Jiggy-Z 3432]

Seeing the Dr. Thursday for annual.

Still can't sleep and even when I can, I'm sure it's not great. It's been like this for a week now.

I am paralyzed with fear of the future and present, while still being able to recall every fuck up from the past that got me here.

There is so much unknown right now. Im in a pretty dark place.

I can usually sleep through anything and go to bed right away, but not now.

[Horn80 6109]

On 9/24/2024 at 3:05 PM, Jiggy-Z said:

Seeing the Dr. Thursday for annual.

Still can't sleep and even when I can, I'm sure it's not great. It's been like this for a week now.

I am paralyzed with fear of the future and present, while still being able to recall every fuck up from the past that got me here.

There is so much unknown right now. Im in a pretty dark place.

I can usually sleep through anything and go to bed right away, but not now.

Sounds trite but might try spending some quite (no phone, etc) time in nature and just watch and take it in.  It’s healing.

[troph 24668]

I’ve been on some absolute heavy weight drugs the last 2+ months and underlying symptoms and the medicines have wrecked my sleep (at one point I simply was not sleeping at all). I’m off most of the heavy stuff but to date only benzos have helped get me to pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I am trying to move back to an unaided sleep routine and my nutritionist recommended this:

 

 

I took this and 50mg of hemp oil (no THC) and it did the trick. Now I was absolutely exhausted from 2-3 nights on the sleep struggle bus trying to drop the benzos and conversely I felt as good physically as I have in a while (a better day in a trajectory of good days where I still have some bad days). So it was a prime night for easier sleep. But still a massive win. We will see about tomorrow.

one thing I will add is my circadian rhythm is way out of whack so the 2mg of melatonin (I’m taking only two capsules) is probably helpful to adjust my sleep rhythm by as much as 4 hours sooner (at one point 6 hours as I was falling asleep at 4am). I know in some cases melatonin is not the best thing to take. But in the case of trying to adjust my circadian rhythms it seems like a good thing.

i feel rested so we will see what today and tonight brings but this is only the second night since July 13th that I’ve gotten a full nights rest without a heavy med to assist.

Edited September 28 by troph

[Doc Daneeka 6769]

The luckiest day of my life was the day I met my GF. I guess that probably makes her birthday the second luckiest day of my life. Well, today is her birthday and even though I don’t feel especially lucky right this very moment, she’s still the best woman I’ve ever known or will ever know. 

Happy birthday, Fritter. Holy fuck I miss you. 

[Doc Daneeka 6769]

17 minutes ago, Doc Daneeka said:

The luckiest day of my life was the day I met my GF. I guess that probably makes her birthday the second luckiest day of my life. Well, today is her birthday and even though I don’t feel especially lucky right this very moment, she’s still the best woman I’ve ever known or will ever know. 

Happy birthday, Fritter. Holy fuck I miss you. 

Too late to save my edit. 
 

That woman loved sweet breads of all kinds. One morning about six weeks after we met, she was talking about some cinnamon bread someone had brought to her office and how she kept going back to the kitchen for more. I told her that I was eating an Apple fritter and couldn’t put it down. She said, “then you know how hard it is to resist.” I said I didn’t resist. “It’s like you: brown and sweet and impossible to resist.” So Fritter became her nickname and I honestly think that one random sentence is what hooked her enough to give me a real shot with her. 

[troph 24668]

I love that story. My mom made me pumpkin bread (more like cake) in the fall when I was a younger person and I would devour the whole loaf. Well I had just started dating my ex and we met at a park to do the whole lay on a blanket and talk to each other thing. I brought my pumpkin bread but I was down to my last slice. I gave her about 1/4 of a slice and she first took it the wrong way thinking I was super stingy. She only realized years later I don’t share my pumpkin bread, so she actually experienced generosity on a whole other level. Nowadays I’ve passed on my love for the bread to my sons, I can barely eat a slice or two without fucking up my gut from all the refined sugar. Getting old sucks. 

Edited October 1 by troph

[Doc Daneeka 6769]

19 minutes ago, troph said:

I love that story. My mom made me pumpkin bread (more like cake) in the fall when I was a younger person and I would devour the whole loaf. Well I had just started dating my ex and we met at a park to do the whole lay on a blanket and talk to each other thing. I brought my pumpkin bread but I was down to my last slice. I gave her about 1/4 of a slice and she first took it the wrong way thinking I was super stingy. She only realized years later I don’t share my pumpkin bread, so she actually experienced generosity on a whole other level. Nowadays I’ve passed on my love for the bread to my sons, I can barely eat a slice or two without fucking up my gut from all the refined sugar. Getting old sucks. 

Getting old does suck, but the alternative isn’t great, either. 

That’s an awesome story. We also had the stereotypical “girlfriend/french fries” scenario. From our first date, whenever I got something with fries, I turned my plate so that the fries were toward her, so she could get to them easily. It wasn’t a huge thing, but she mentioned several times that it made her feel connected to me that my first inclination was to include her and share with her, basically subconsciously. 

As has been made clear around here, I’m a borderline autistic jackass but being around her made me almost normal. She didn’t meet my family for six months. I told her that no one who knows me, literally no one, would believe her if she told them how much I talk to her or how affectionate I am with her or how much I compromise with her. And no one did until they saw it. Right after my daughters met her and we spent the evening together, my younger daughter sent me a Snapchat with a surprised look and a “Who are you?” caption. 

She was fucking magic. 

[troph 24668]

41 minutes ago, Doc Daneeka said:

Getting old does suck, but the alternative isn’t great, either. 

That’s an awesome story. We also had the stereotypical “girlfriend/french fries” scenario. From our first date, whenever I got something with fries, I turned my plate so that the fries were toward her, so she could get to them easily. It wasn’t a huge thing, but she mentioned several times that it made her feel connected to me that my first inclination was to include her and share with her, basically subconsciously. 

As has been made clear around here, I’m a borderline autistic jackass but being around her made me almost normal. She didn’t meet my family for six months. I told her that no one who knows me, literally no one, would believe her if she told them how much I talk to her or how affectionate I am with her or how much I compromise with her. And no one did until they saw it. Right after my daughters met her and we spent the evening together, my younger daughter sent me a Snapchat with a surprised look and a “Who are you?” caption. 

She was fucking magic. 

the right woman is magic, I agree. my current wife told me two things upfront. she's a mess (leaves clothes everywhere, can't pick up anything, leaves coffee cups growing mold if left to her own devices) and that she will take from my plate every time.  Almost ten years later, none of these are in the annoying category yet, they are still endearing... mind you I do not let the house get out of control from her messes and mold never grows in a coffee cup. Basically twice a day I pick up her sparkling water cans, coffee cup and I toss her clothes from the bathroom floor into the designated pile in the closet. Definition of a "hot mess" with emphasis on hot at least to me.

Speaking of fries, it was our first "date" which was honestly accidental where she told me this. We played hooky from work and went to top golf then to Bartlett's for dinner here in Austin then known as a fav spot for lesbians. As a newly minted lesbian I really loved her showing me the spots. Two things stood out, one I caught her looking at my tits and she blushed and I winked at her. Hell yeah troph has game! Second, she asked to have some of my fries. I turned the plate also, then she told me her two admissions. I realized she wanted to get in my pants and up my shirt. And bam, a new love was emerging. Such a sweet moment in my life, I almost forgave her for putting mayo on her burger. I'll never forget.

But to relate to your loss, I still miss my ex sometimes. We had a passionate love letter writing relationship and I dearly miss her long form prose. She was so eloquent in writing about how she felt about me. She wasn't the most affectionate though if I wanted touch I could easily give it and therefore receive it, and my current wife is spontaneously affectionate but not a writer or talker. I do miss somethings about my ex and I've come to simply hold those things in my heart in a vault where I've chosen never to forget and always remember fondly. Now I enjoy the memories (9 years later), but for a good number of years those memories haunted me.

Edited October 1 by troph

[Doc Daneeka 6769]

1 minute ago, troph said:

the right woman is magic, I agree. my current wife told me two things upfront. she's a mess (leaves clothes everywhere, can't pick up anything, leaves coffee cups growing mold if left to her own devices) and that she will take from my plate every time.  Almost ten years later, none of these are in the annoying category yet, they are still endearing... mind you I do not let the house get out of control from her messes and mold never grows in a coffee cup. Basically twice a day I pick up her sparkling water cans, coffee cup and I toss her clothes from the bathroom floor into the designated pile in the closet. Definition of a "hot mess" with emphasis on hot at least to me.

But to relate to your loss, I still miss my ex sometimes. We had a passionate love letter writing relationship and I dearly miss her long form prose. She was so eloquent in writing about how she felt about me. She wasn't the most affectionate though if I wanted touch I could easily give it and therefore receive it, and my current wife is spontaneously affectionate but not a writer or talker. I do miss somethings about my ex and I've come to simply hold those things in my heart in a vault where I've chosen never to forget and always remember fondly. Now I enjoy the memories (9 years later), but for a good number of years those memories haunted me.

One of the things I try to explain to people is that things that would have pissed me off if someone else did them just didn’t matter when she did them. She liked long nails and iPad games… tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap. Anyone else? Can you fucking not? Her? Have fun, beautiful.

Hell, I started wearing less burnt orange for her. 

We sent over 30,000 texts. I was retired and she had a ton of free time at work. I can read those things and be taken back to a particular date on a particular night and feel like I’m there again. The whole scenario is a pile of garbage, but we were in contact almost every waking moment and it still didn’t feel like enough, and now… zero. Fuck. 

I’m still in the “this is a living hell” stage, but some thoughts that used to make me utterly miserable now make me utterly miserable, but with a smile. 

I’d still burn down the world for five more minutes with her, but my memories are slowly, slowly, slowly tilting toward treasured remembrances and away from knife in the liver agony. 

I do want to thank you and everyone else who has responded or messaged me. It really does make things a little less awful. 

[ROFL BOX 6647]

[MissingInAction 24868]

Dt

Edited October 4 by MissingInAction
Deleo

[Sandman 3403]

It dawned on me today, as I looked at my calendar, that I had completely forgotten the anniversary of my mother's death. I'm going back and forth in my head as to whether I have sort of gotten over it (it was 17 years ago last month), or if I'm just a shitty son. In the beginning, I used to take that day off from work and try to cheer myself up. Then my dad would call and I hate to say this, but it would piss me off. "You know what today is?". Yeah, no shit I know what today is. Why the fuck are you asking me this, like I'm 12? (I never said anything like that to him, but dammit I said it internally). Later, I just tried to ignore it. Go to work and grind, as both my parents taught me browbeat into me. You go to work every fucking day and you don't be a slacker. I guess I learned too well, because I got so caught up in work and my own kids and grandkids, that I straight up forgot about that date. Or maybe I'm just overthinking the whole thing, as my dad doesn't call on that date anymore either. Maybe this is what healing feels like?

[Lidig8r 1863]

22 hours ago, Sandman said:

It dawned on me today, as I looked at my calendar, that I had completely forgotten the anniversary of my mother's death. I'm going back and forth in my head as to whether I have sort of gotten over it (it was 17 years ago last month), or if I'm just a shitty son. In the beginning, I used to take that day off from work and try to cheer myself up. Then my dad would call and I hate to say this, but it would piss me off. "You know what today is?". Yeah, no shit I know what today is. Why the fuck are you asking me this, like I'm 12? (I never said anything like that to him, but dammit I said it internally). Later, I just tried to ignore it. Go to work and grind, as both my parents taught me browbeat into me. You go to work every fucking day and you don't be a slacker. I guess I learned too well, because I got so caught up in work and my own kids and grandkids, that I straight up forgot about that date. Or maybe I'm just overthinking the whole thing, as my dad doesn't call on that date anymore either. Maybe this is what healing feels like?

For me, death was a frequent visitor of close family members in a very short period of time. Dad ... Oct. 24, 2019, Mom ... Sept. 19, 2020, Older Brother ... Nov. 13, 2020... Throw in my daughter on Oct. 30, 2017 and well ... this time of the year pretty well sucks. And yet ...

A few weeks ago, I forgot the date of my mom's death.  and like you Sandman, I wondered if that made me a shitty son? But... the reality then hit.

I try to honor my mom, my dad, my older brother and especially my daughter, by living a life that they would be proud of. I remember the lessons I learned from all of them. Over the course of their lifetime. And I strive to grow every day. Since I embraced that outlook and it became my reality, the day of their transition to their next existence does not hurt as much and in fact, I can use grief or sadness on that day to try to help others that much more. And if their day of transition does not come across my consciousness on that exact date ... that cannot take away the piece of my heart and soul reserved for the love we had when we were all here.

Maybe ... we all need to give ourselves some latitude. The many days of joy, happiness and love greatly exceed the day they left this existence.

[irishtexan 11455]

Does anyone have a good volunteering resource? 

I've had an absolute shit year. One year ago I did some stupid shit and got drunk and said some jealous petty bullshit to my life-long best friend, and now we no longer speak to each other. Totally my fault. I don't blame him for not speaking to me, but I am very sad that he won't accept my apology. The end of that friendship feels like a mini-death.

Last April I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and that was a fairly significant disruption of my lifestyle. I've had to change how I eat, exercise, and generally live my life. It's actually required me to eat and live healthier, but it's still a degenerative disease that I will have to manage for the rest of my life.

Then a month ago, after 13 years with the company, I got laid off. The company was purchased two years ago and after a constant reorg, they eliminated my position (along with another co-worker in our department). I worked in a very niche and highly-specialized industry, so there aren't a lot of jobs for which I'm readily-qualified. I'm probably looking at some sort of career change at 46, which is terrifying. Looking for a new job has been a soul crushing kick to the dick.

I'm drinking too much. I need to reconcile the reasons that I drink too much and better understand the "why". My drinking has negatively impacted my life a few times (see best-friend above) and that cannot continue to happen. I am going to read the book cited above "this naked mind" and intentionally address my relationship with alcohol. It's time.

This has all taken a heavy toll on my mental health, and subsequently my interpersonal relationships. My mother pulled me aside this weekend and said "what's going on with you? you're not well. I've never seen you this sad and angry." My wife has been distant. While all of this stuff has "happened" to me, it's also impacted her, and I need to be more empathetic of that, but it's difficult to do so when I've constantly been "woe is me"-ing for the last year. 

I go to a therapist but I'm finding that it's not particularly productive. I'm not one to go into therapy and fully unload in a way that's honest, transparent, and forthright. She's not picking up on the context clues I'm giving her, the conversation isn't organic, so we just kind of go in circles. I know I need to find a new therapist, but I keep going to this one for now because I know that I need accountability of self-reflection every other week. But my insurance runs out at the end of the month and with the money well drying up here shortly, I likely won't be able to afford a good one out-of-pocket. 

So anyway, with all this time I have, I think it's a good idea to do some volunteer work with people who are in need. My hope is that it will provide some perspective and allow me to focus more on the things in my life for which I should be grateful rather than obsessing on the negative things that have happened to me over the last year. So if anyone has a specific place they volunteer and recommend, please PM me. Or if you have a general resource that can provide a few options, let me know.

 

[Snake Diggity 4614]

12 hours ago, irishtexan said:

Does anyone have a good volunteering resource? 

I've had an absolute shit year. One year ago I did some stupid shit and got drunk and said some jealous petty bullshit to my life-long best friend, and now we no longer speak to each other. Totally my fault. I don't blame him for not speaking to me, but I am very sad that he won't accept my apology. The end of that friendship feels like a mini-death.

Last April I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and that was a fairly significant disruption of my lifestyle. I've had to change how I eat, exercise, and generally live my life. It's actually required me to eat and live healthier, but it's still a degenerative disease that I will have to manage for the rest of my life.

Then a month ago, after 13 years with the company, I got laid off. The company was purchased two years ago and after a constant reorg, they eliminated my position (along with another co-worker in our department). I worked in a very niche and highly-specialized industry, so there aren't a lot of jobs for which I'm readily-qualified. I'm probably looking at some sort of career change at 46, which is terrifying. Looking for a new job has been a soul crushing kick to the dick.

I'm drinking too much. I need to reconcile the reasons that I drink too much and better understand the "why". My drinking has negatively impacted my life a few times (see best-friend above) and that cannot continue to happen. I am going to read the book cited above "this naked mind" and intentionally address my relationship with alcohol. It's time.

This has all taken a heavy toll on my mental health, and subsequently my interpersonal relationships. My mother pulled me aside this weekend and said "what's going on with you? you're not well. I've never seen you this sad and angry." My wife has been distant. While all of this stuff has "happened" to me, it's also impacted her, and I need to be more empathetic of that, but it's difficult to do so when I've constantly been "woe is me"-ing for the last year. 

I go to a therapist but I'm finding that it's not particularly productive. I'm not one to go into therapy and fully unload in a way that's honest, transparent, and forthright. She's not picking up on the context clues I'm giving her, the conversation isn't organic, so we just kind of go in circles. I know I need to find a new therapist, but I keep going to this one for now because I know that I need accountability of self-reflection every other week. But my insurance runs out at the end of the month and with the money well drying up here shortly, I likely won't be able to afford a good one out-of-pocket. 

So anyway, with all this time I have, I think it's a good idea to do some volunteer work with people who are in need. My hope is that it will provide some perspective and allow me to focus more on the things in my life for which I should be grateful rather than obsessing on the negative things that have happened to me over the last year. So if anyone has a specific place they volunteer and recommend, please PM me. Or if you have a general resource that can provide a few options, let me know.

 

If you’re good with kids, Big Brothers Big Sisters is very rewarding.  The kids in that program are awesome kids but have a life that will make you grateful.  Being a CASA advocate is also very important, rewarding work (but I’ve heard it can be depressing).  Any elementary school will have programs that will let you volunteer to help tutor kids, help teachers with administrative work, and any number of things, just call the school closest to your house.

If you can cook, sign up to cook a meal at the Ronald McDonald House once a month.  
 

If you’re an animal person, call your local animal shelter.  They could definitely use your help walking/training dogs and cleaning up after them, among other things.

If you’re handy, Habitat for Humanity.

If you’re into the outdoors, call your local Parks dept and I’m sure they’ll have something you can help with.

I would also caution to temper expectations.  If you’re depressed, volunteering can be a really good thing but it also might not help at all if the real problems are internal.  But volunteering can definitely help you have a sense of purpose and gratitude, and those are really important for treating depression.

My big 7 to pay attention to: sleep, diet, exercise, gratitude, purpose, companionship, joy, sunlight.

Edited October 11 by Snake Diggity

[troph 24668]

28 minutes ago, Snake Diggity said:

 

My big 7 to pay attention to: sleep, diet, exercise, gratitude, purpose, companionship, joy, sunlight.

Man I haven’t expressed it exactly the same way but damn if we don’t think almost exactly alike. 

[troph 24668]

the last 3 weeks have not really been post covid but have been prednisone withdrawal and now xanax withdrawal.** not a big drug person so addiction vs. dependency has not been a distinction I understood well until now. HOLY FUCK. I want off xanax but right now about the only thing that would give me stable, consistent sleep during these withdrawals? xanax. dependency. and I'm not addicted because Monday night I sat there staring into the darkness counting the minutes as they went by. no way in hell I'm taking another one. today is day 5 off xanax.

Monday night? I did not sleep one minute. I never even got close to sleep. up 24 hours. and what about anxiety? HOLY FUCK AGAIN. feels like its origins are physical not mental and it's intense. I'm used to cerebral, thought based anxiety not organic, chemical, physical based anxiety. based on the literature I probably have a week or less of intense symptoms to go. But this is whoa intense. doesn't help that the chest tightness, anxiety, which then produces a sensation of difficulty breathing and the insomnia that goes with it all is pretty much what my post covid experience was like for 10-12 weeks. I'm very thankful that my post covid treatment was highly successful given I got a SEVERE case of it, but damn these withdrawals are no joke.

 

** for context, I'm not using xanax recreationally - my post covid experience which I went into depth in one of the covid threads has been something. the core of my medical treatment was inhalers (didn't work), prednisone for about 30 days (it worked), xanax low dose (for anxiety, insomnia and sleep - only med that did work), and a procedure involving a shot of anesthesia into my neck to rest my autonomic nervous system (miracle treatment). right now, it seems all that remains is the physical dependency on xanax which was the last med I quit.

Edited October 16 by troph

[TwiceHorn 31349]

1 hour ago, troph said:

the last 3 weeks have not really been post covid but have been prednisone withdrawal and now xanax withdrawal.** not a big drug person so addiction vs. dependency has not been a distinction I understood well until now. HOLY FUCK. I want off xanax but right now about the only thing that would give me stable, consistent sleep during these withdrawals? xanax. dependency. and I'm not addicted because Monday night I sat there staring into the darkness counting the minutes as they went by. no way in hell I'm taking another one. today is day 5 off xanax.

Monday night? I did not sleep one minute. I never even got close to sleep. up 24 hours. and what about anxiety? HOLY FUCK AGAIN. feels like its origins are physical not mental and it's intense. I'm used to cerebral, thought based anxiety not organic, chemical, physical based anxiety. based on the literature I probably have a week or less of intense symptoms to go. But this is whoa intense. doesn't help that the chest tightness, anxiety, which then produces a sensation of difficulty breathing and the insomnia that goes with it all is pretty much what my post covid experience was like for 10-12 weeks. I'm very thankful that my post covid treatment was highly successful given I got a SEVERE case of it, but damn these withdrawals are no joke.

 

** for context, I'm not using xanax recreationally - my post covid experience which I went into depth in one of the covid threads has been something. the core of my medical treatment was inhalers (didn't work), prednisone for about 30 days (it worked), xanax low dose (for anxiety, insomnia and sleep - only med that did work), and a procedure involving a shot of anesthesia into my neck to rest my autonomic nervous system (miracle treatment). right now, it seems all that remains is the physical dependency on xanax which was the last med I quit.

Yeah, benzos create high-tolerance quickly and so there's a definite withdrawal.  You might have done well to have "tapered" or "titrated" from it.

The good news would seem to be that the "rebound anxiety" and insomnia are withdrawal symptoms that will go away eventually.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benzodiazepine_withdrawal_syndrome  You seem to know that already, but a reminder is always helpful.

[troph 24668]

54 minutes ago, TwiceHorn said:

Yeah, benzos create high-tolerance quickly and so there's a definite withdrawal.  You might have done well to have "tapered" or "titrated" from it.

The good news would seem to be that the "rebound anxiety" and insomnia are withdrawal symptoms that will go away eventually.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benzodiazepine_withdrawal_syndrome  You seem to know that already, but a reminder is always helpful.

I do appreciate the reminder - mostly because anxiety and insomnia were either part of the primary post-covid symptoms or at least secondary for a while (meaning the primary symptom of difficulty breathing lead to insomnia and anxiety). so to be over covid but to be suffering the same symptoms albeit from difference sources is very distressing.

As for taper, I was never above .25mg once per day (only at night) and that even involves breaking the pill in half. so there's not really a dosage to taper down to.  The biggest issue is this has played out since mid-July, way to long to be in this kind of health crisis.

also withdrawal syndrome is not the same as basic withdrawal. given the low dose I should expect to come out of this in less than 10 days from now (I'm 5 into it) with peak symptoms from day 3-6 it seems (day 3-4 were terrible).

btw I think prednisone withdrawal was harder and I think if hell exists it's a prednisone withdrawal. even taking xanax prednisone withdrawal was brutal.

Edited October 16 by troph

[Hook1997 5331]

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/EV946MfLZUmZn5GN/?mibextid=UalRPS

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/xH651yJYhpvh1WwH/?mibextid=UalRPS

I love Theo he’s like a southern Louisiana Gandhi. lol.  Sorry Facebook links but both are worth watching.  

Edited October 22 by Hook1997

[Lidig8r 1863]

Gents... embrace every day that you wake up on the right side of the dirt.

For many reasons, I am out of the eating disorders/mental health communities.  Too much vice. Too much corruption.  When a patient in an eating disorder treatment center is raped, and that treatment center is trying to cover it up and no other corporate owned treatment center (which absolutely knows about the incident) ... does nothing... NOTHING.. well... that is too much.

http://adadsjourneywitheatingdisorders.home.blog/2024/10/30/life-and-death/

 

[Snake Diggity 4614]

19 minutes ago, Lidig8r said:

Gents... embrace every day that you wake up on the right side of the dirt.

For many reasons, I am out of the eating disorders/mental health communities.  Too much vice. Too much corruption.  When a patient in an eating disorder treatment center is raped, and that treatment center is trying to cover it up and no other corporate owned treatment center (which absolutely knows about the incident) ... does nothing... NOTHING.. well... that is too much.

http://adadsjourneywitheatingdisorders.home.blog/2024/10/30/life-and-death/

 

If I’d gone through what you’ve gone through, I would not have handled it as well.  Good luck to you.  I’m so sorry you lost your daughter.  

[Kennythetiger 9356]

On 10/30/2024 at 12:28 PM, Lidig8r said:

Gents... embrace every day that you wake up on the right side of the dirt.

For many reasons, I am out of the eating disorders/mental health communities.  Too much vice. Too much corruption.  When a patient in an eating disorder treatment center is raped, and that treatment center is trying to cover it up and no other corporate owned treatment center (which absolutely knows about the incident) ... does nothing... NOTHING.. well... that is too much.

http://adadsjourneywitheatingdisorders.home.blog/2024/10/30/life-and-death/

 

I remember the Christmas that you had all of us light a candle for her.